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Directed by: Uwe Boll Starring: Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen A couple friends and I got a craving to see a bad movie, and we knew we could count on Uwe Boll to produce one for us. Bloodrayne is based on the video game of the same name, which I have never played. It stars Kristanna Loken as a sexy half-human/ half vampire out for revenge against her vampire father. Michael Madsen also stars as the leader of the vampire hunting group, Brimstone. The movie features a plot that would barely flesh out an action game, let alone carry a movie. It involves the title character going from location to location, fighting some dudes with little reason for doing so. The script is a series of cliches slapped together (including such classics as "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer")read by actors who all sound like they wish they were doing anything but starring in this movie. The actions sequences are about par with the average episode of Xena, and are very forgettable. Overall the only thing that recommends this movie is the fact the star looks pretty good in her costume. Otherwise, avoid at all costs. RATING: 0 PROS: Kristanna Loken looks hot CONS: Terrible writing, non-existent plot, bored actors, and pretty much everything else in the movie ADDITIONAL INFORMATION:
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Jan 11, 2006 02:21
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 01:24 |
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Not as fun as House of the Dead but more fun than the drudgery of Alone in the Dark. Somehow the plot of Castlevania II made it into this movie. Bloodrayne has to find the eye, heart and rib of a famous dead vampire. Every one she collects gives her a new powerup. I am not lying. See sad, embarrassed Michael Madsen. See Michelle Rodriguez playing the only annoying bitchy character she ever plays. See Ben Kingsley completely humiliated. See Meat Loaf surrounded by naked whores. One of the funniest scenes only involves Billy Zane dictating a letter. That is Boll Power. Listen during horse riding scenes for one of the most baffling musical themes ever composed. These are only some of the wonders in "Bloodrayne" See it with friends and see it quick because it'll be out of theaters before you can blink. Also: anyone voting this movie 0 without actually seeing it is a toad.
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Jan 12, 2006 09:45
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Saw Bloodrayne tonight, it was a hot masterpiece of sorts. Made from the finest cheese, exploding off the screen with sheer ferocity. Michael Madsen gives us his best performance since Sin City, if you know what I mean. Kristanna Loken, the Terminatrix, is a wild beast of pure greatness. When she has sex on a prison cell, you'll say to yourself, "now that's hot". Billy Zane blows us away with lines such as "Stop throwing things at me!" Needless to say, this is a must see film. A return to form from the master of comedy/action/horror. 5.5
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Jan 13, 2006 12:11
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PsychoGoatee posted:Billy Zane blows us away with lines such as "Stop throwing things at me!" YES! What a steaming pile of poo poo, by the way I think it is important to note the Uwe Bole announced that his name is not pronounced "you" it's pronounced UVAH. I was going to give this a 1.5, but Uwe know what? 1
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Jan 17, 2006 20:11
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I came into this movie expecting Hitler and nazi's. The closest I got to either was Meatloaf, Billy Zane, and Michael Madsen all with glorious mullets. This is one of the worst movies I have ever seen, with a completely gratuitous and uncomfortable sex scene between characters with absolutely no chemistry. Upside: tits 0.5/5
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Mar 16, 2006 17:08
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Watched it with ultra low expectations, and found it not the worst movie I've ever seen. It you regard it as a school project of a special education film student with all-amateur cast, and imagine there are Tom Servo, Crow, and Mike or Joe watching it with you and cracking jokes at it, it's passable as in making you hesitate before pulling a trigger of a gun to your head kind of way. Hey, it has gore and tits, and good many hilarious properties. Like Michael Madsen having ONE, mashed-up-high, expression and the same monotonous voice throughout the whole film, and how he's simply not able to keep his cheap-rear end sword off his hand at any time. Ben Kingsley, the same thing. Or what the hell were Billy Zane's or Meat Loaf's characters all about?  So... it's kinda, sorta fun. 1.5 / 5
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Mar 21, 2006 12:49
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At least it's nice to know that Uwe Boll is still on a winning streak. I heard he is going to make a Farcry movie next and is also working on a Dungeon Siege movie.
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Mar 21, 2006 19:07
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Worse than Doom, and that's saying something. Pros: -Naked hookers (actual Romanian hookers) hanging all over meatloaf. -The director's commentary is hillarious on the DVD, but purely unintentional Cons: -Everything else about the movie -Kristanna Loken's floppy tits. How dissapointing. If I could rate this negative a million I would.
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Jun 14, 2006 01:17
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PsychoGoatee posted:When she has sex on a prison cell Then I got the movie off Netflix. Aha. I rate it 3 out of 5 stars - it doesn't suck any more than Doom did, and I purchased Doom, but the blood was a little too gratituous (come on, how much arterial spurting blood do you really need in a movie?). I wouldn't say Bloodrayne sucks, but if you watch it once and never again, you probably won't regret it. Maybe I'll ask for it for Christmas since I never have any idea of what else to ask for.
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Jun 21, 2006 06:37
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Welcome to a dark land of demons and men. A land where men are gifted with the sword, and the bloodthristy nightwalkers walk among us in the shadows. Welcome to Bloodrayne! (SPOILERS AHOY!) The first thing I noticed about this film was, well, the vampires don't really have any kind of special abilties. If anything, they only have weaknesses. I mean, ok, they can morph their faces into really ugly, fangy, screeching bogie-men type looking things, but is that really considered 'supernatural'? Who couldn't kick off a few face stretching humdingers in grade school when a particular cootie-infested female entered your field of vision? They aren't any stronger than the humans, nor faster, and they can be killed by cutting them a few times with a sword or a few well-placed shots with an arrow. They don't have shapeshifting abilities, masterful intellect, or night vision. On top of this, they die if they touch water, sunlight, or a crucifix. What is the draw? You are basically a human who avoids church picnics at the beach. Bloodrayne does what many films of its kind do: it simply advances the plot. Refusing to suffer any kind of plot twist, interesting dialogue exchange, or action sequence, Uwe has done everything in his power to get from point A to B in an hour and a half. He succeeded valiantly. Need Bloodrayne to take off her top? Have a sullen warrior tell her his parents were killed, and he is fighting for their memory. Need your main characters to escape from a prison cell? Call the guard over and tell him to come on in. He'll do it, because he wants, no, is DRIVEN, to advance the plot. Michael Madsen bellows out dialogue like a movie trailer announcer: "YOU...[dramtic pause] are a leader." "NO ONE...[thoughtful pause] expects anything more than that." "WHY...[condescending] am I in this film?" Basically, Rayne, an ex-circus freak with a taste for the salty red stuff, is pissed because a vampire named Kagen raped(and/or) killed her mom. Kagen finds out he might have to start paying child support, and comes back to try and kill the kid, but opts for mom instead (take that, family law!). I GUESS EVEN VAMPIRES FORGET PROTECTION! It is a dark profession indeed! Rayne meets up with a band of people fighting the vampire scourge, which turns out to be more of a vampire local revolt, and they train Rayne to fight (aka, move in obvious cheographed motions while trying to not swing too hard and break a prop sword). Rayne starts collecting the body parts of a long dead vampire and sticking them in her body. They do absolutely nothing noticable, but she can't get enough of them. She cuts up a lot of dumb vampires, gets molested by Meatloaf, hits an old, dying monk in the face with a club, and only changes her clothes once in the entire film, despite being constantly covered in grim and blood. (YUCK!) She goes to meet Kagen, who turns out to be a pretty reasonable guy. He offers to let her live with him, but he was going to need those body parts she had been collecting so he can control the world (this isn't explained). Rayne says no. His minions let Rayne and her friends easily escape and are quickly dispatched. Rayne and Kagen fight for a bit, and Kagen allows himself to die by catching a bottle of holy water and letting a dying warrior shoot it with an arrow. Life is hard when you are a vampire overlord. Oh, and Billy Zane is in this movie. I thought I would mention it since he hasn't been in anything good since 'Back to the Future, Part II'. Or even then. Rayne tries to convert her dying boyfriend to the world of vampirism, but he is smart enough to tell her his time was over and he needs to die. I think I can see the conversation on the movie set: Matthew: "Hey, Uwe, I think I could do a great death scene right here. I could ham it up, really make the audience cry." Uwe Boll: "This is the scene where you and Rayne meet for the first time." Matthew: "Yeah, great. Are we doing this death scene thing or not? I got a thing to go to at 2." Rayne decides it's not important to check on her other dying friend, and goes and has a nice sit. The end. Seriously, that's how it ends. Stop laughing. Pros: Doesn't hurt vampire mythology due to lack of vampire fans actually seeing this movie. Cons: Hurts everything else. Score: 0/5 ZenMaster fucked around with this message at 00:11 on Jun 29, 2006 |
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Jun 29, 2006 00:04
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 01:24 |
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Meatloaf, who plays some kind of blood sucking scumbag in this movie, didn't want a singing role in the Tenacious D movie, Pick of Destiny, because he says people won't take him seriously as an actor with his resume of singing roles. Meatloaf, this movie is why people won't take you seriously.
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Jan 9, 2008 01:19
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