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ChesterJT
Dec 28, 2003

Mounty Pumper's Flying Circus
:siren: :siren: Update on page 4 :siren: :siren:
:siren: :siren: 2nd Update on page 5 :siren: :siren:
:siren: :siren: Yet another update on page 9 :siren: :siren:


Well I mentioned my troubles in this thread and some people seemed interested in the long version so here goes. It's long, but it's worth it.

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1888960

Quick backstory: Wife and I dated for three years, during which time we had a child when we were 19, waited to get married until 1999 when we were 21 and our son was two (didn't want to rush a marriage that might fail and hurt our son). We've been married since then (seven years if counting), we're both 27 now, out first son is eight now and we have another son who is now three. They are the greatest kids ever. They're cute, well-behaved, and very good-natured.

Overall it's been a good marriage. We have the usual fights and stuff about money and things like that, but who doesn't. She works days (when she works) and I work nights. So we don't get a lot of time together during the week.

Jump to last August. I come home from work to find her practically jumping up to cover the computer screen. I get suspicious. I want to make something clear though, I HATE SPYING ON PEOPLE. I don't want to do it, but I did it because I could tell something was wrong and she wouldn't say anything. So the next day I looked in her email and find a set of sexually explicit emails they had been sending each other. Wife apologizes, says it's a mistake, and won't happen again. She says it was online only, no phone calls or in-person visits. She also claims she never masturbated or "manipulated herself" in any way, it was just for the attention. Still don't know if I believe that. So problem solved...

Jump to a month later. I hear voices, so I get up at 1am to find my wife out on the balcony of our apartment talking to someone who she's making it very clear to that she "misses him." Anger rising... So I confront her and she apologizes again, claiming this one is just a friend. Chatted online and talked on the phone, but still not in-person meetings. She also says this one is nothing sexual at all, just a friend. Right, a friend that she "misses." Made it clear it's not acceptable for a married woman to be doing this. Problems solved again

Now we come to Dave. I'm going to use his real name here because who gives a gently caress? Dave was in the military. 101st airborne or some poo poo like that. Served in the current gulf war (so he claims). He now works as some kind of service monkey for a national hotel chain, doing a lot of travelling (and probably a lot of hooking up too). So my wife starts chatting with Dave online. They chat in chatrooms, Yahoo messenger, and email each other. Then the phonecalls start. Im talking daily phonecalls. And after a couple of weeks, they are speaking almost all day constantly. She is literally calling him every 15-30 minutes to talk. This of couse stops when she comes home from work, but starts right back up after I leave for work. Thank god the guy has cingular or our bill would have been more than the $500 it was. More on that later.

So she decides after a nice extended weekend visiting her dad to sit me down and tell me that she's not happy in the marriage. This was about one month ago. She said she's been feeling this way for a long time, but didn't tell me. I can totally admit that I haven't always been there for her. I work opposite hours as her and we don't get a lot of time together. And on our weekends, I would go out with friends a lot and not make the time for her I should have. We still went out and did things together as a couple like going to the movies or dinner, just not enough as we should have. Sometimes I'd be on the computer instead of being with her. I just wanted to make it clear that I can admit my hand in her not being happy. It's not all her and other men causing issues.

After our talk I see the light so to speak. I realize I haven't been there for her like I should. I still think it was wrong of her to mess around with men from the internet, but I can't put all the blame on her. I vow to make things better, and do my best to be attentive to her and be the man she needs. But after a week she says things haven't changed (because you know a week is long enough to fix anything!) and she's leaving for a few days to stay with a friend. She says she needs her space. Time to think. And any other cliche I've missed. So she goes to her friend's place for a while. I tried to reach her Saturday night and she's not there. Her friend said she was going to hang out with a friend for a while. A friend named Dave. Now I want to point out that I knew nothing of this guy until now. So I immediately wonder who dave is. That's when I start snooping on the computer again. I find emails between them (thankfully not sexual but still) and try to learn as much about him as I can. I then find out that she is with this stranger from the internet, and is now going to stay the night in his hotel room. I am worried to death for her safety and at 2am am driving around every hotel in town and calling all of them trying to find them. I don't want to beat rear end or make a scene. I want to make sure she's safe. She isn't answering her phone and all her friends and family are worried about her too. Don't find them and have the worst night of my life. She comes home the next day and I grill her rear end for being so stupid and irresponsible. She is defenseive about the whole thing. She also SWEARS that nothing happened in the hotel room that night. Am I alone in finding that hard to believe?

She stays around the next week. We have a bunch of serious talks. Then the weekend is coming up again. My parents are taking the boys Saturday night like they've done every other weekend for a few years now. Gives us a chance to have alone time and give the grandparents time with the grandchildren. Great deal for all. So instead of spending that night with me, she decides she's going to her friends again for the night. WTF? I try to call her in the evening to see if she would at least go out to dinner with me, and she refuses then refuses to talk to me on the phone. So I stop by her friends house and she flips out on me. Yelling that she wants a divorce and refuses to speak to me about. Just keeps repeating "I'm done" and telling me to go home. So we talk some more and she says she's coming home to try and make things work. That's when I find out why she didn't want me at her friend's house. She had made plans to have Dave come up for another visit! He was there with her at her friend's house, and she admits they kissed but that's it. So I'm pissed off again and really hurt. Instead of using this time away to think about our situation she's hanging out with her boyfriend on the side.

I also find out that while she was at her Dad's she was calling yet another guy on the phone. This was Brian in Maryland or Maine I think. But she said she only talked to him a few times because he was "wierd." I try to ask her questions about everything that's happened and she won't be honest with me. So I get mad and delete her myspace account (yes she had one of those too) and her yahoo email that she had been using to chat with these guys. It may not have been right, but I look at it as a counselor taking the crack pipe from the addict. She can't control herself with it, so I needed to put a stop to it. She gets pissed and brags how she's made a new myspace and yahoo account that I'll never see or have access to. So what do I do, install a keylogger. I quickly find out her new passwords, AND find out she created two email accounts. Figuring even if I found the first one, she'd still have the secret second account that she was using to talk to Dave with. So I ask her point blank is she has been talking to Dave. I thought we were having a good week and had asked her to tell Dave to back off for a while so we had a chance to work things out. She looked me right in the eye and lied to me. I told her I had seen the emails. She had no excuse. Not to mention an email from Brian the wierd guy professing his love for her.

I should also mention that my wife is going to a counselor who thinks she's clinically depressed and has her on Lexapro.

So this last week, she's been here. We've had some good talks and I really felt like we were getting somewhere. We didn't fight or argue, just had a nice good weekend together. She even dislocated her knee and I took her to the doctor and took care of her all week. Her parents came into town and were taking the boys back with them to Iowa for two weeks like they've done the past few summers. The leave early Monday morning. Wife goes to work in the morning, calls me to say her phone is dead so she will put it on the charger when she gets home. No problem. I tried to call her all through the night at work. At 10p I'm starting to get worried. Worried that she's done something terribly stupid. The ride home from work was pure hell for me. I was praying to a god that I don't even know if I believe in that she would be there waiting for me. When I got upstairs I find a note taped to the door and my heart breaks all over again. She claims that this last week has just made her more sure it can't work out and that she felt she had to leave when I was gone or I'd try to talk her out of it. Well no poo poo I would! I look around and see she has taken EVERYTHING. She took furniture that was hers, all her clothes, all her personal items. She even took the pop(or soda for some of you) that she bought for herself the day before. She took pictures out of frames and left them laying face down strewn all over the place. She took an old rocking chair and threw everything that was on it on the floor. It looked like the place had been ransacked. Dave had come up to help her move out of course. What a guy! She has emailed me and said she's with him but they have a double room so not to worry that anything is going on. Sure, that's convincing! She claims she's coming back in a day or two, and I'm assuming it's because she's got her own apartment and plans on being back on the 1st to sign a lease.

I have no idea what to do right now. I love her with all my heart and have dedicated my life to her. I care for her more than anything, even if I haven't always showed it. But I can't help but be hurt by all the poo poo she's pulled over the last few months. It'd be so easy to focus on the bad and come to hate her, but I just can't bring myself to give up right now. I need SOME hope in my life.

Just looking for some general goon consensus on the situation here. Outside opinions are always helpful.

ChesterJT fucked around with this message at 20:42 on Jun 2, 2006

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pr0k
Jan 16, 2001

"Well if it's gonna be
that kind of party..."
1. Your wife is, without a doubt, cheating on you.
2. Document everything and keep copies where she can't get to them.
3. Call the cops and get your poo poo back.

Sorry dude, but that's just the way things are. You may reconcile in the future, but it ain't happening now.

leland
Feb 8, 2006

by Lowtax
Protect yourself. Save these emails, if she's divorcing you after engaging in adultry, don't get conned into paying a dime of alimony. Save emails, save phone records. Do these things so you're in a position to defend your livelihood.

After that, talk. If it's going to work out, it will work out through diplomacy, not through some single act. Perhaps arbitration is in order.

Also, protect yourself.

NeatoGrey
Aug 9, 2003

ChesterJT posted:

I have no idea what to do right now. I love her with all my heart and have dedicated my life to her. I care for her more than anything, even if I haven't always showed it.

Even though I guess it's going to be the typical answer, if you wife loved you with all her heart and was dedicated to you, she wouldn't be loving Dave, which you know she already has. You can't make her not gently caress around with crazy internet people or love you or anything else. If she's going to do that, gently caress it. It sucks, and it hurts, but she's loving around on you and trying to mind gently caress you and make you feel guilty for it, and it's working.

gently caress that. Leave her.

Tossed_Salad_Man
Feb 19, 2002

You Gon' Get Raped.
It was over at least a month ago. Actually over. She's not happy, so she's getting therapy to not be unhappy, basically rationalizing things.

Bottom line, she's not happy and she has said this and proven this. She did not SLEEP in that hotel room, I can tell you that. Well if she did it was after some serious dicking.

Yeah read that again. She hosed that dude long and hard, and probably did stuff she would never do with you or you never thought of doing to her.

It loving sucks.

It's over. Unless you can allow yourself to be comfortable in an open polyamorous relationship. That works both ways, but it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Sorry dude, but it's pretty much over.

Manos del Sino
Apr 12, 2004

Original Pony
Soiled Meat
Yes, take the suggestion tod ocument every instance of fuckwittery that she has put you through. Right now you might be more concerned with other things, but cover your own rear end. Once you get over the malaise of learning that your wife is leaving/cheating, you'll be thankful you had those backups to strenghthen your position in the impending divorce. Also, get your own lawyer. Contact one now, as a matter of fact, and file for sole custody of your child. It is highly unlikely you will get it (being the man) but it should at least send her a message.

Also, don't instigate or provoke her in anyway, especially in ways that can be saved to use against you in the same court proceedings. No messages on the answering machine, no emails that she can save.

Cthulusushi
Sep 18, 2005
The most ancient abominations taste better with soy...
I'd like to say that for someone who's trying to be devoted and caring as you are right now, there's something you can do. But there isn't. It sounds like your wife has made up her mind, for better or for worse, and as horrible as it will make you feel, you need to let her go on her path. You don't have to hate her, cuss her out, or spit on her, but just let her go. If things were meant to be they were meant to be, and nothing you can do and say would change that, no matter how hard you try. It also sounds like your wife probably got antsy because she didn't see enough guys or got married too young. You may have been content but she may have always been wondering what's beyond you, especially since of the both of you got married so young. You may not have payed a lot of attention to her recently, but many marriages are like that at some points; when a person says "it's not you, it's me", this is the kind of case where it's real, and your wife is completely at fault.

You're looking for hope... you have your children. They're your hope. Raise them to be good people who treat others right, smart, functioning members of society. That'd be something to be proud of.

disgraceful
Mar 30, 2006
Wiking.
WoW mate, I'm really sorry to hear this.

As tossed salad man says, it's over. At least now you can stop worrying about the relationship and "Is she cheating" part which I have gone through myself and start focusing on yourself, and what you are going to do, as well as what will happen with the kids.

Most of all, do not blame yourself for this. A relationship works BOTH ways. If you were not "there for her" she could have sat down before things started going downhill and said "We need to spend more time together."

Take care man

Fat-Lip-Sum-41.mp3
Nov 15, 2003

ChesterJT posted:

We have the usual fights and stuff about money and things like that, but who doesn't.
People who don't have money problems, don't knock up their girlfriends, don't have more children than they can comfortably support, don't marry the wrong woman, and generally don't suck at life.

You are going to have a divorce. Start talking to a good lawyer and do whatever he says.

uma
Jun 27, 2005

and this, this is my book collection...
As a woman, I'm ashamed on behalf of her. You've done everything you can, start thinking about damage control for you and your children. Seconding the documentation- you don't want your kids living with someone like that, and you're going to need a LOT of evidence to make a court choose father over mother.

Good luck kiddo.

Max Nitwit
Sep 11, 2001

I miss the 80s.
Save the evidence, call the police, begin divorce proceedings. Either she'll realize you're serious and try to get help in order to snap out of whatever's wrong with her (not loving likely), or she won't and it won't be your problem any more anyway.

EDIT FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST NOW READING THIS: He's staying with her, proving what a giant idiot he is.

Max Nitwit fucked around with this message at 12:18 on Jun 4, 2006

prom candy
Dec 16, 2005

Only I may dance
This really sucks man. I agree with everyone else who's saying to document everything. Save e-mails, phone records, take screenshots of her myspace, etc. etc.

Also, I don't know if this works in the real world, but on The Sopranos (Season 4 or 5 spoiler) Tony went and got consultations with a ton of the divorce laywers in the area so that it would be a conflict of interest for them to take on his wife as a client. It's kind of cold but you gotta do what you gotta do.

TheBizzness
Oct 5, 2004

Reign on me.
You have to stop with the "we had a good week, I thought everything was going ok"

Your wife stayed in a hotel with another man, whom she met on the internet. It's over. It was over as soon as you found those sexual emails. Everyone has given you great advice so far, I suggest you take it.

Tossed_Salad_Man
Feb 19, 2002

You Gon' Get Raped.
Also, don't allow this trainwreck of debauchery and general clownfuckery to get you "down on women". There are still some decent ones out there.....like maybe around the artic cirlce or in the core of the planet. Then again I could just be bitter. Don't be like me. Life goes on. It really does. Long after the thrill of living it is gone.

*clap* *clap*

Gonna let it rock
Let it roll
Let the Bible belt come down
And save my soul
Hold on to 16 as lang as you can
Changes comin round real soon
Make us women and men

but seriously there are still good ones out there, generally you find them when you aren't looking for them. But don't fall into the trap of "falling in love" with the next piece of rear end to come along. It's hard to do but sometimes the little brain fucks things up....a whole loving bunch. Take your time and don't be in such a rush.

este
Feb 17, 2004

Boing!
Dinosaur Gum
Pretty much at a consensus here. Even if tomorrow she broke it all off with Dave, stopped chatting online, stopped taking phone calls, all of it, you can never trust her again, and one you get to that point, the marriage is over. It's time for you to protect yourself, and your kids.

Manos del Sino
Apr 12, 2004

Original Pony
Soiled Meat
A question for military goons:

I believe adultery is still punishable in the military. If it is, does that apply to single soldiers who bugger married women, or only to married soldiers who mess around on their own spouses? Also, is it ever enforced?

eatingmeals
Jan 27, 2005

eating them.
the problem is you're in love.
I mean, think about it. You really love her, but she dates other people. This is not acceptable.
When two persons make a couple, there are certain responsabilities and she can't just do whatever she wants.
Also, i read she's depressed and stuff. It could be a normal reaction, but she's not gonna stop dating other men easily, and it could affect your kids later. (Arguing and stuff).
You have your kids, and that's all you need. No more bullshit. They'll make you forget about pain easily.

Cradly
Oct 29, 2002

I'll try to be as short and sweet about this as I can.

Some things before I give you a little bit of my e/n from my previous wife.

1) Sorry you have to go through this. It sucks for you, it sucks for your boys. I know, I've been there.

2) Don't be the nice guy. Look out for the best interest of you and your sons. That's it. Get an attorney, protect your assets if you have any. Don't try and be the nice guy..

3) She's sleeping with him. She'll deny it, but she is.

4) Change the locks on your apt.

5) Don't make yourself available to her on her terms.

6) Don't chase after her. If you want her, she's not going to want you.

I think it's great you see your part. It shows you're mature enough to look out for the best interest of your boys and yourself.

Backstory:

I was married at 19, first son at 20, wife cheated on me numerous times. At 23 I let a friend and his friend live with us in our 4 bedroom house while I went to work every day. His friend started nailing my wife. Wife denied it. When I found out I gave her a 6 month ultimatum to make up her mind. At the end of said 6 month ultimatum, I moved out, at the same time, my 2nd son was born.

I played the nice guy, I didn't get an attorney. I made big $$$ so I figured I'd be nice and give her a decent amount of child support and alimony. This came back to bite me in the rear end later.

Interestingly 3-6 months after I moved out, I got a girlfriend of whom she was instantly jealous, told me she'd leave her boyfriend and get back with me. She really didn't mean it. Eventually got pregnant with him, then got married to him.

Fast forward lots of drama, her moving out of state with my boys against a court order, some 60-80k in attorneys fees, and I'm now dealing with her making false claims with the District Attorney's office.

The nice thing there is she can make unsubstaniated claims, I have to prove, in court they're wrong. Her claims == wage attachment, leins on my home, etc until I have it resolved in court, again. I have proof, her claims are false, she's trying to extort me for $24k.

There's a lot of filler missing. No it wasn't all her fault, we were young, I didn't know how to be a good husband. Ultimately it allowed me to find the woman of my dreams, marry her, and have a great relationship and marriage.

Best of luck to you, if I can offer any advice that you'll listen to it's to watch out for yourself. In 10 years when you have another woman in your life, if you didn't, it will bite you in the rear end.

When she strayed, when she went outside the marriage for *emotional* support from another man, the chances of your marriage recovering dropped significantly.

If you try and play this game with her, you will just be on an e/n rollercoaster that will still, eventuall end in the same place.

Sorry man.

Bubble-T
Dec 26, 2004

You know, I've got a funny feeling I've seen this all before.
IANAL, but my gut feeling is you really, really need to find out NOW what you have to do to keep access to your children.

As others have said this probably includes documenting as much as possible, but it also means you want to avoid confrontation that isn't through legal processes. Don't do ANYTHING that could be used to put you in a bad light in family court.

I'm very sorry for you, just reading the story was painful.

This will take a while for you to see, but the positive side is that you are actually not that old yet and have a decent chance of finding a nice second wife, it that's what you want.

Bubble-T fucked around with this message at 18:12 on May 31, 2006

The Prong Song
Sep 7, 2002


WHITE
DRIVES
MATTER
It's going to suck for your boys to have to grow up without a mother. No chance that I'd let her have the kids, though. She's obviously too immature to keep herself in check. What happens if "Dave" leads her into coke, or convinces her that he'll love her more if she pushes her car into the river with both your sons in it? It's happened before. Grab your kids, put them somewhere where she can't get at them, such as YOUR parents, and go see a lawyer immediately.

Bandito
Jul 8, 2003

Drunk retard
1. Go now to get the kids. Period. If she gets them and decides that she and Dave should live somewhere else, you'll play hell trying to ever see them again.

Worry about the rest later. I've been through all of this - with slight variation but the similaritites are scary. I feel for you man. If you have any questions or want some first hand experience, let me know.

Tossed_Salad_Man
Feb 19, 2002

You Gon' Get Raped.

Max Nitwit posted:

Either she'll realize you're serious and try to get help in order to snap out of whatever's wrong with her

There is no repairing this relationship. This woman/girl is not ready for this type of commitment or relationship.

If anything she sounds polyamorous, or what they refer to themselves as "ethical sluts".

True, look it up.

FinkieMcGee
May 23, 2001

Look, I have to go identify our dead father's body. I'm sorry you're having a bad drug experience, but deal with it.
gently caress her. Document everything, maintain all the records, and don't give her a dime. Try to get full custody of your kids since your wife seems unstable.

Max Nitwit
Sep 11, 2001

I miss the 80s.

Tossed_Salad_Man posted:

There is no repairing this relationship. This woman/girl is not ready for this type of commitment or relationship.

If anything she sounds polyamorous, or what they refer to themselves as "ethical sluts".

True, look it up.

Probably (in fact almost certainly) true, but I just thought I'd include it on the off chance that somehow things got better because of aliens or some poo poo.

Echostorm
Apr 7, 2003

I've written a small monograph upon the subject...
Another chime in. Protect yourself, document everything and try to get out in the best shape you can. Just don't kid yourself that this is fixable. Good luck man.

Dietrich
Sep 11, 2001

+1 for documenting everything and filing for sole custody of the children. She wants to run off and start a new life? Sure. Let her go. Just not with your kids and on your dime.

deutsche nozzle
May 1, 2005

by Fragmaster

Manos del Sino posted:

A question for military goons:

I believe adultery is still punishable in the military. If it is, does that apply to single soldiers who bugger married women, or only to married soldiers who mess around on their own spouses? Also, is it ever enforced?



Military code of justice prohibits it on all grounds I believe.

Also:

DOCUMENT. Call the police if removing common property under the circumstances is illegal.

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Number-5
Mar 23, 2006

I am really Pissed Off!

Sigma X posted:

It's going to suck for your boys to have to grow up without a mother. No chance that I'd let her have the kids, though. She's obviously too immature to keep herself in check. What happens if "Dave" leads her into coke, or convinces her that he'll love her more if she pushes her car into the river with both your sons in it? It's happened before. Grab your kids, put them somewhere where she can't get at them, such as YOUR parents, and go see a lawyer immediately.


Agreed, also, what if this guy trys to convince her that she doesn't need to take her Lexapro anymore since he is there for her? As it has been said above. Change the locks, bring your kids to your parents' place, and work with an attorney.

XXX Dubber
May 21, 2004

by elpintogrande
This is the kind of thing that people kill eachother over. I feel for you m8.

GREEDY FUCKING PIG
Jul 5, 2004

In my own way, I *am* king.
Yeah, this is all pretty familiar to me. The only things I can suggest are what has already been mentioned... save a copy of everything you can and look out for yourself. It sucks rear end but when it comes right down to it, there is no way you would/should ever trust her again so just bite the bullet now before it gets even more drawn out.

I don't know why women (and men I guess) are dumb enough to do this poo poo. If you didn't, maybe I missed that you did, you should have recorded everything done on the computer:


(God reading that again reminds how retarded those two were)
Edit: This is a screenshot of my wife & one of her Internet men, not the OP's. It kind of sounded that way, sorry.

GREEDY FUCKING PIG fucked around with this message at 18:27 on May 31, 2006

DAT RAM
Dec 28, 2003

Laissez les bons temps rouler
Regarding the property in the house. Unless you can somehow show that Dave took the property and not your wife, the police can't do poo poo, because you're married and it's considered community property, and she can do whatever the gently caress she wants with it. So prove Dave took it.

Bandito posted:

1. Go now to get the kids. Period. If she gets them and decides that she and Dave should live somewhere else, you'll play hell trying to ever see them again.

Worry about the rest later. I've been through all of this - with slight variation but the similaritites are scary. I feel for you man. If you have any questions or want some first hand experience, let me know.

Do you have your "Guide to Divorce" handy? I remember that being full of great information that this guy could use.

Manos del Sino
Apr 12, 2004

Original Pony
Soiled Meat

Tossed_Salad_Man posted:

If anything she sounds polyamorous, or what they refer to themselves as "ethical sluts".

There's nothing wrong with polyamorous relationships, so long as they are discussed and agreed upon by both people involved, before any straying occurs. I have several friends involved in such relatioships and at least one of those pairings is actually pretty normal seeming and happy. They have a kid together, don't bring their other partners home and take a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with each other regarding their trysts.

Some people just aren't wired for monogamy.

Number-5
Mar 23, 2006

I am really Pissed Off!

WatchingRewind posted:

Yeah, this is all pretty familiar to me. The only things I can suggest are what has already been mentioned... save a copy of everything you can and look out for yourself. It sucks rear end but when it comes right down to it, there is no way you would/should ever trust her again so just bite the bullet now before it gets even more drawn out.

I don't know why women (and men I guess) are dumb enough to do this poo poo. If you didn't, maybe I missed that you did, you should have recorded everything done on the computer:


(God reading that again reminds how retarded those two were)


Well, if he still has the keylogger logs, then everything is recorded.
Plus he has phone records from Cingular. Even though the situation really sucks, everything is documented. All the evidence in there.

Mat Cauthon
Jan 2, 2006

The more tragic things get,
the more I feel like laughing.



I know this is just a repeat of what everyone else is going to say, but goddamn thats horrible. I feel for you man, sincerely. But you cant just let this drag you down and cause you to drink yourself stupid. Your life isnt over, even though it might feel like it is. You still have your kids, and they will love you no matter what their mother does. You're not even 30 yet, you got a nice long time ahead of you to get your head straight and enjoy life. So put down the bottle and take care of business now so that you dont have to worry about it later.

First off, lawyer up. Now. Find out if your state has laws about using emails, phone records, etc in divorce proceedings. Make sure you let your lawyer know about the adultery, that you have kids, etc. If you want full custody, be prepared to fight for that and prove that you can take care of your kids by yourself. The fact that you have evidence of her adultery will swing things in your favor a lot.

Second, change the locks on your apartment. She left, its no longer her home. Let her know this and inform your landlord so that she cant get in at all. Make a list of everything she took so that you have a record if it comes up in court. This will help you get your stuff back.

Third, get angry and stay angry. Dont forget that she betrayed you, lied about it, tried to cover it up, lied some more, and then just up and left, abandoning not only your marriage but your children and the life you had together. Dont be fooled if she comes crawling back pleading for forgiveness. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Your loyalties are to yourself and your kids at this point.

I wish you the best of luck.

AlbertGator
Nov 16, 2004

Alligator for Hire
Jesus Christ, your wife is being a terrible bitch to you. How could a married woman kiss another man and think anything could excuse that?

Tossed_Salad_Man
Feb 19, 2002

You Gon' Get Raped.

Manos del Sino posted:

There's nothing wrong with polyamorous relationships, so long as they are discussed and agreed upon by both people involved, before any straying occurs. I have several friends involved in such relatioships and at least one of those pairings is actually pretty normal seeming and happy. They have a kid together, don't bring their other partners home and take a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with each other regarding their trysts.

Some people just aren't wired for monogamy.

I didn't say there was nothing wrong with it, a monogomous person can not be with a poly person. It does not work. It ends in tears, and flames, and tears, and handcuffs, and crying babies, and judges.

But with her "seeing?" so many different men and feeling so strongly for them it seems she is polly to me. And many poly women do call themselves ethical sluts.

But we don't need to get in on how i know any of that and all that, this chick just sounds like she is NOT wired for monogamy.

Ricky Fightmaster
Feb 8, 2005
Two people said it already, but change your locks!

Cradly
Oct 29, 2002

Also a note about "documenting everything."

This is important when dealing with child custody issues. It is not useful in general divorce proceedings in most cases, depending on what state you live in. Generally they don't care about the e/n... *except* with regard to child custody.

razz
Dec 26, 2005

Queen of Maceration
Seriously, go get the kids. They should be your first priority. Don't let your wife's horrible decisions gently caress them up for life. You're a victim here but remember, so are the kids. She's obviously unfit to be a mother. Maybe she was at one time, but she isn't now. When she walked out on you, she essentially abandoned her kids also. What kind of mother is that?

Gather your evidence, and try and keep your cool. Don't talk poo poo on your wife in front of your kids. If she's already taken her furniture, she's gone. She doesn't love you anymore and doesn't love her kids anymore. You don't want her back in your life, I'm serious. It's hard and there's no way I can even begin to imagine what you're feeling, but you're doing a good job of staying cool, and you're doing the right thing.

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Tears for Fears
Aug 26, 2005

by Smythe

NeatoGrey posted:

Even though I guess it's going to be the typical answer, if you wife loved you with all her heart and was dedicated to you, she wouldn't be loving Dave,,,

It's not that simple. Anyone, no matter how loyal and committed, can be tempted to cheat. The internet offers up a massive amount of temptation, and is always there after a spat, or when your spouse is out of town, or etc. Thanks to this (Myspace), there's a lot more working against successful relationships these days, especially troubled ones that could have been worked out.

That's not to say that you shouldn't blame her. She's a whore, and you should take a trip to meet exotic and far more attractive women.