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Wow, so nobody wanted to take a stab at this one? Well, then... I admit I was I suppose I can get past the overwrought dialogue in New Moon. A great deal of it sounds like the sort of thing a loveless, younger version of me in middle school imagined romantic conversations should be like, with the guy delivering flowery one-liners designed to knock the girl off her feet. There's an even larger chunk of script dedicated to the delivery of ham-fisted teen angst, reminding me of the "One Tree Hill" parody Family Guy did. "These problems matter..." Forget the dialogue, and look past the sparkly bastardization of movie monster lore. This movie commits the cardinal sin of being utterly boring as all hell. It somehow paces itself even MORE poorly than the first. Professional reviewers have derided the lack of urgency in this movie and I can't agree more. There's no sense of pending danger here because there's no build-up to it. At least in the first movie some dude was trying to kill Edward or Belloc or something, and there was kind of sort of a climax and things got all tense during vampire baseball. It's tough to remember as I was also playing Final Fantasy 3 DS at the time. Here, it's...uh...I think the antagonists pop in maybe twice and with little warning. They're on screen for all of five minutes. Dakota Fanning's Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are seriously devoid of chemistry and absolutely do not click as leads whatsoever. As always, Stewart looks perpetually stoned, which is probably not what Stephanie Meyer was thinking as I'm pretty sure Bella is a self-insert. Pattinson looks like they made him shower daily, which I'm sure was fortunate for both cast and crew. They make google eyes at each other and exchange tepid dialogue. Pattinson sparkles in the sun. You've seen this before. A laughable imaginary scene shows both of them running through a field of flowers as vampires. Sparkling. I say "laughable" because the whole audience (mostly girls and moms) laughed, and it's not a scene that's really intended to evoke laughter. I liked Pattinson better when he was Cedric Diggory. Taylor Lautner's got a good career ahead of him. I think he's got a decent charisma and the potential to act well. However, this movie is destined to initiate some sort of tally where we see in how many scenes Lautner as Jacob ends up gratuitously shirtless. Actually, it pushes past gratuity and hits absurdity pretty quickly. I know it's intended to represent his transition to being more of an animal (as all the commercials and previews have blown to the audience) but it just made me want a personal trainer and 14 more free hours out of the week. I think all the shirtlessness would make more sense in Hawaii but apparently this movie takes place in Indiana or Seattle or something. Oh, I'm forgetting a spoiler-free plot synopsis. Here goes: Edward leaves Bella. Bella pines. Bella becomes closer to Jacob. Romeo and Juliet parallels. Things sort of happen. End of movie. Seriously. It's an hour and fifty-five minutes of teen angst and maybe five minutes of interesting. It's meandering and bases itself on the characters rather than any sort of central thesis or plot. I should write a review like that. Rating: 1/5
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Dec 1, 2009 08:02
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Slow, dragged, dragged, slow. Kristen Bell looks like she is perpetually about to kill herself, and the biggest disappointment is that she never actually does. A tired story rehashed for the swarming masses with novelty fantasy gimmicks. Really quiet pathetic. If i wasn't with someone seeing it, who had dragged me there, i would have walked out after the first 40 minutes. 0.5/5
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Dec 3, 2009 22:44
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I hadn't seen the first Twilight, and the only reason I saw this was because I was dragged. I'll admit that I made it a point to not like the movie before it even started, but I was not prepared for what kind of abomination this would be. The dialog was seriously a joke throughout the movie. It seemed like a first draft of a middle school girl writing a play. Actually, that's probably about right... anyway, special effects were decent, but then, when aren't day these days (for the most part). The story is also pretty stupid, based on characters making drastic decisions over events that aren't that major, or even clear. I found it very amusing that Bella was sitting in her chair, sobbing, and screaming and having nightmares EVERY night and day for what, almost a year? I didn't see the first one, so I don't know what exacly happened or how long they know each other, but a year of super-depression and screaming nightmares? Really? That sounds like a serious loving problem. Anyway, it was a almost comically terrible movie, I wouldn't even rent it to make fun of it, it isn't worth the braincells lost. The only reason it was so popular was because of the existing rabid fan base. 0/5
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Jan 16, 2010 04:46
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I'll start by getting the obvious out of the way: New Moon isn't a great movie by a long shot. The writing is flimsy, the pacing is too slow and the entire series presents a distorted perspective of romance (though, to be fair, most romance novels do). It's basically candy for its target audience: all sugar, no substance. But I expected all of that going into this movie. I saw the first one and I've read a basic synopsis of the series. I'd read all of the hate for the series in the forums. But as I sat with my wife and watched the thing, I found myself thinking: "You know ... this really isn't that bad." And it isn't. It's incredibly mediocre. It's dull. It's eye-rollingly silly in a lot of places. But it's definitely not the worst movie I've ever seen. The actors all do a decent enough job with the silly script they have to work with. The effects aren't great, but they're far better than those in the first film. And I don't really like Chris Weitz, but at least he managed to make this movie look a little better than Hardwicke did. All in all, it's a perfectly bland, forgettable, girl movie. Don't bother watching New Moon and expecting it a be a vampire movie, or even a decent movie. If you're looking for a good vampire movie, go watch Let the Right One In. Seriously. That's a movie worth your time. It's not worth the time or effort to hate Twilight. It's not for us. It's meant to be a film version of a romance novel for teen girls, and it succeeds at that. I can't imagine any way this movie could appeal to us without completely abandoning its lousy source material. Did I like it? Not really. Will its intended audience? I think that's already been made clear. 2/5
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Apr 5, 2010 23:40
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Constructive criticism of this movie is hard, as it invokes deep emotional reactions leaving little space for objectivity. I did not care for the characters, and the idea of an ongoing struggle between vampires and werewolves is plain stupid. Either this is The Wolfman with teen actors, or The Wolfman is - nevermind. As always, Robert Pattinson really shines (really) in his role as the dull and dramatic vampire Edward. The only fun scene in the movie is when we get to hear the tourists getting eaten by some renaissance commando vampires. I had no joy of seeing this movie. The pacing is boring at best. Stay away from girls for a while and let the hype calm down. 1/5
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Apr 12, 2010 02:51
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I'm going to review this movie with the rifftrax included; It is loving hilarious. Some of the really jokes and references to other fantasy movies was great. I was laughing pretty hard through the entire thing. Especially whenever they pointed out the really horrible wooden acting. The rifftrax is a 5/5, the movie itself is a 0/5.
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Apr 22, 2010 15:57
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