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I had a midwife for both pregnancies, she worked at the hospital and midwives are part of the medical team. If it’s a low risk pregnancy the midwife can do everything from start to finish. My first labor got a little complicated so an OBGYN ended up assisting, but my midwife was running the show. I highly recommend midwife care, mostly because a vast majority worked at the bedside as OB nurses before going back to school, and that knowledge and experience is irreplaceable. And just know that NOBODY knows what they’re doing the first time around. Obviously it’s a good idea to do some research on what to expect, but the experience of having a newborn is vastly different from baby to baby. As long as you know how to safely care for a newborn (safe sleep practice, for example), everything else you figure out as you go. It’s also overwhelming to look at how many products are available for babies, but they really don’t require much for the first few months. A safe place to sleep, clothes, diapers, a car seat if necessary, and a way to feed them is all you need. Do you have any friends with little kids? Bouncing thoughts off them or hearing their experiences can be helpful.
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Mar 28, 2023 20:55
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One additional point that I don’t hear it expressed very often, probably because it’s the ‘default’ in the US: I had an OBGYN for both pregnancies/labors and deliveries. Both doctors were compassionate, competent, and were good listeners that were respectful of my questions and choices. I feel like a lot of OB stories are cast in a negative light, but I had a really good experience.
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Mar 28, 2023 21:36
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I really enjoyed Expecting Better by Emily Oster for information about the whole getting / being pregnant thing. She takes a critical eye to conventional wisdom that is often informed by old studies that are no longer valid or relevant. She isn't judgmental or dogmatic at all about "what you're supposed to do" which I appreciated a lot. She also has a followup called Cribsheet which takes a similar approach to early parenthood. I imagine these books have been discussed thoroughly previously in the thread. My wife read some articles from La Leche League that had her spiraling a bit and it was infuriating how much shame and fearmongering I was reading in a single paragraph about "the dangers of using formula". I absolutely have no room for that kind of thing.
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Mar 28, 2023 22:11
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Also just popping in to say I had a younger male OB who helped me to get pregnant and then followed me thru my pregnancy and then had a different male doctor who delivered at the hospital (you get whoever is on call). No negative experiences at all and they were all very compassionate and I always felt that they were on the ball as far as watching out for anything that could be a problem. I ended up induced at 38 weeks with pre-eclampsia and my OB caught it right away and took it super seriously. He also took my PPD/PPA super seriously at my 6 week visit and got me the meds I needed. Obviously not to say that it isn't right to prefer a woman (I think in a vacuum I probably would do) or a midwife, but like previous poster just wanted my boring experience out there as well.
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Mar 28, 2023 22:43
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1st kid: rotated through (most of) the providers in my practice, including 2 CNMs. Ended up with one of the midwives (not the one I really liked) for my delivery. She was... fine I guess, as far as getting baby out goes. But she did a real poo poo job sewing me up afterwards, and did a poo poo job on the revision when the stitches popped, to the point that sex ranged from impossible to just painful until baby no 2 ripped my junk open again. 2nd kid: different state, different practice, saw one OB throughout the pregnancy. He ended up changing practices like 2 months before my due date, and I didn't meet the other 2 practitioners before going into labor. Ended up with the APRN on call when I came in, she was amazing. I think I caught that she had been a midwife back in England before coming stateside. Fantastic job putting my junk back together, especially since I tore even harder that time. A land of contrasts, etc...
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Mar 28, 2023 22:59
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And since we’re saying nice things about OBs, I adores my male OB and cried real tears when he moved out of state and left the practice. He was always thoughtful and considerate and most importantly always believed me when I said something was weird and worked with me to find a solution - for both pregnancies. He was on call when my second was born and he believed me when I said uhhh I think I’m pushing after having only been there 30 minutes and only being at 8cm when last checked. Otherwise we would have definitely had another woopsie no doctor in the room like my first one during delivery!
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Mar 29, 2023 01:03
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Necronomicon posted:Not to get too E/N in here (and I can post this somewhere else), but I'm wondering if anybody else who had experiences of childhood trauma found it a little overwhelming to suddenly be in charge of a new outer child when your own inner child is still in pretty rough shape? I'm obviously still in survival mode at the moment since the little guy is only like six days old so far, but he looks *just like me* when I was an infant and it's really throwing me for a loop. FWIW I'm in therapy for the childhood trauma stuff and have been for a while and I'm not like, freaking out or desperate or anything. Just curious if anybody else has had a similar experience. Yes. I was in such a healthy and strong place before my kid came with respect to my past and when he showed up I felt all kinds of horrible emotions that I hadn’t felt since I was a kid. All of the rage and bad other bad emotions I had felt as a kid and which I had done hard work to process and remove from my life just popped up like mushrooms. Because I was in such a healthy place I recognized them immediately for what they were and have therapy booked
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Mar 29, 2023 01:31
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Necronomicon posted:La Leche League I am very skeptical of anything la leche league puts out, the vast majority of their stuff is not really backed up by any science and is a lot of scare mongering and mom shaming.
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Mar 29, 2023 01:40
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To be honest you should also be skeptical of Emily Oster too. She said later in an interview that her advocacy of pregnant people being able to drink small amounts of alcohol was influenced more by her craving for a glass of wine than any actual research (so much for the point of Expecting Better, which is that it's supposed to help us all make better decisions about risk that are informed by research). She's also been a bit of a pill about masking and covid in general. I also don't like her characterization of the patient-doctor relationship as an antagonistic one. Some good stuff in there, but I would take it with a grain of salt.
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Mar 29, 2023 03:42
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take me to the beaver posted:To be honest you should also be skeptical of Emily Oster too. She said later in an interview that her advocacy of pregnant people being able to drink small amounts of alcohol was influenced more by her craving for a glass of wine than any actual research (so much for the point of Expecting Better, which is that it's supposed to help us all make better decisions about risk that are informed by research). She's also been a bit of a pill about masking and covid in general. I also don't like her characterization of the patient-doctor relationship as an antagonistic one. Some good stuff in there, but I would take it with a grain of salt. Yeah. "economist reads and then communicates the science to you" is something I'm always incredible skeptical of and her covid stances were abysmal.
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Mar 29, 2023 05:19
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El Mero Mero posted:Yeah. "economist reads and then communicates the science to you" is something I'm always incredible skeptical of and her covid stances were abysmal.
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Mar 29, 2023 06:36
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I just wanted to pop back into this thread and express my gratitude to everyone who responded kindly when I was having a sex disppointment freakout many months ago. I felt too much shame over my own feelings to come back and reply then, but my baby is five months old now (how the gently caress does the time pass so slowly and quickly simultaneously!), and while I still feel a little daunted by the responsibility of raising a good human, it's all a lot easier when I see his little gummy smile. Thank you, goon parents!
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Apr 6, 2023 21:00
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Necronomicon posted:Not to get too E/N in here (and I can post this somewhere else), but I'm wondering if anybody else who had experiences of childhood trauma found it a little overwhelming to suddenly be in charge of a new outer child when your own inner child is still in pretty rough shape? I'm obviously still in survival mode at the moment since the little guy is only like six days old so far, but he looks *just like me* when I was an infant and it's really throwing me for a loop. FWIW I'm in therapy for the childhood trauma stuff and have been for a while and I'm not like, freaking out or desperate or anything. Just curious if anybody else has had a similar experience. Not quite the same, but if you check my post history here you can see me talking about how during my first trimester, a whole bunch of personal/trauma issues I had thought I had largely overcome or processed resurfaced and dialed itself up to the point it was crowding out literally anything else and I was an anxious mess. It might be worthwhile talking to your doc/midwife about this - some of it could level out in time, but it's good to touch base with them. In my case, I thought I could tough it out on my own + with the therapist I had already been seeing, but I ended up feeling so miserable and unlike myself I decided to try medication (antidepressants). I can't pinpoint where things started to turn around for me exactly, but these days I definitely don't ruminate or catastrophise as much as I did, even before I became pregnant. The little bean won't be arriving until July, so I have no idea how things will go after that point, but right now I feel more content/happy/at peace than I have in a long time. In other news, hormones don't gently caress around, and I'm nesting hardcore. I've finally decluttered the baby's room enough to have my friend over to help us put in gap filler in places and also set up the baby's cot. 
froglet fucked around with this message at 04:09 on Apr 10, 2023 |
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Apr 10, 2023 04:06
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midori-a-gogo posted:I just wanted to pop back into this thread and express my gratitude to everyone who responded kindly when I was having a sex disppointment freakout many months ago. I felt too much shame over my own feelings to come back and reply then, but my baby is five months old now (how the gently caress does the time pass so slowly and quickly simultaneously!), and while I still feel a little daunted by the responsibility of raising a good human, it's all a lot easier when I see his little gummy smile. Thank you, goon parents! Dude same. I had assigned-male-at-birth child number two a few months ago, and I was devastated, and still am pretty sad about probably never having a daughter, but both my boys are the best. I forgot how yummy babies are.
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Apr 10, 2023 08:45
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Insomnia is a loving vibe this time around. Woke up after 4 hours sleep to pee? Oops! That's all the sleep you get! I'm sure it's setting up some newborn routines in my brain but I had kinda hoped to preload some sleep before the main event.
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Apr 25, 2023 20:33
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For real. Also I hit 30 weeks on Sunday, yesterday I had a ton of lightning crotch, and today has been Braxton Hicks + overheating. It's like my body really wants me to be excited when baby gets evicted.
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Apr 26, 2023 01:40
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This is a super nuanced post but googling has been a bit difficult and I'm trying to wade through websites as best as possible for information. I'll post this here just cause I'm trying to get as much info for the missus as possible. So my wife just hit week 32 and she's starting to have serious back problems/sciatica that we think is related to a car accident she was in years ago. We were fearful this could become a thing in her pregnancy. We are fortunate to live in Washington State where we have access to their Paid Family Leave program (PFL). Since Washington and California (I believe) are fairly similar, does anyone have any experience with (or knowledge about) the possibility of taking disability leading into pregnancy without tapping into PFL? I know this might sound greedy but she would obviously prefer to use that time to bond with our newborn as opposed to depleting it before actually giving birth. She works an office job and sitting for 8 hours is causing her pain that is growing by the day. Sorry if this isn't the right place to post it, just trying to get as much info as I can to help her along.
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Apr 26, 2023 18:27
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Generally your doctor will bend over backwards to get your pregnant wife the time she needs to have a safe pregnancy and see it to fruition. I would at least schedule a phone consult with the doctor or NP to get the ball rolling on that. If short term disability is what's needed to ensure a safe and successful pregnancy I think you're gonna have a hard time finding a doctor that won't help you out Deffo call the doctor today so you can get the clock ticking about pregnancy related pain. The doctor will probably want to have in writing "patient called on day x, 4 days later on day y the problem was still there and/or got worse" do that they can cover their butt if there's any investigation or whatever. Document document document. Maybe also explicitly tell the doctor that the anxiety about the pain being a complication is exacerbating the situation I'm not a big fan of using short term disability but in the case of pregnancy it's probably justified. I'm not a doctor or a lawyer though Edit: my wife took 4 weeks ahead of the birth date as short term disability, I think, basically as a precautionary measure and we had a very healthy pregnancy with no complications. Apparently it's super common you just need to ask about it
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Apr 26, 2023 18:37
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Does her job offer STD? Or anything other than the state PFML program? Edit: basically, if she's taking std offered through her job, the terms of that policy will control, including whether she has to make a claim under the state PFML program. Similarly, although you probably would have said if this was the case, her job may have a more generous leave policy than what the state law requires. As an example, although my state doesn't have a PFML law, at my prior job the maternity leave was a mix of STD and parental bonding leave. There was a guaranteed minimum postpartum recovery disability benefit, so if I needed more than that prior to giving birth to my first it wouldn't have counted against me for postpartum. So I'd suggest she start with her work policies and go from there. Also even if they suck and all she has is the state PFML allowance, there may also be accommodations that could give her relief without requiring her to dip into that leave before birth. Not your lawyer, not legal advice, etc. Emily Spinach fucked around with this message at 20:45 on Apr 26, 2023 |
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Apr 26, 2023 18:37
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Hey thank you both very much for the advice, it at least gives perspective and can help us get the ball rolling. It's a tragedy because her previous owner was amazing and she sold to a religious fundamental group based out of Texas (core values are faith, hope, compassion- so of course they lack all 3) and the moment that she divulged her pregnancy they began stripping her of her responsibilities. She's certain they're out to get her, so she's terrified of making herself more of a target than she already is. The CEO, during a recent trip out, said to her "So some people are saying you're not planning on returning after your pregnancy. Where are you on that and do you plan on returning?" She immediately wrote this conversation down after the fact and emailed it to herself because of how uncomfortable it made her feel. Additionally, in a different meeting with one of her best friends at work (whom they don't know she's best friends with cause they keep it on the down low) he explicitly asked the coworker if she "thought (my wife) would come back after her pregnancy" which, I'm not a lawyer, but I was under the impression that pregnancy is a protected class/not supposed to be talking about it with other employees? In her letter to her supervisor notifying them she explicitly asked for discretion as she didn't want others at work knowing. Anywho, trying to be proactive and ahead of the curve, she put her note for leave in effective 6/15 last week, and with state law she should be getting 16 weeks of total PFL but they (not being familiar with state law) said she only gets 12 and they'd have to "look in" to her claim because "that's not what FMLA says." They just bought this company in Washington and I'm fairly certain they don't even know what Washington PFL is or that it exists. Long story short it's a poo poo show and she's terrified to ask for disability because she already feels like she is being pushed out. Add in the fact that her back is really starting to bug her and it's just a mess. I feel so powerless to help but will do all I can 
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Apr 27, 2023 08:28
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TheKevman posted:Hey thank you both very much for the advice, it at least gives perspective and can help us get the ball rolling.
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Apr 27, 2023 11:37
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TheKevman posted:
Not that those were great comments from the CEO, but it is pretty (extremely? Pretty sure it's north of 30% for my friend group) common for women to just not come back after pregnancy leave, or come back for a few months and then quit. So it's a legitimate concern as an employer They can't fire you when you're on maternity leave, yes, but pretty sure they can make plans in case she doesn't come back. I don't think asking about it is illegal. TL;DR I wouldn't worry about it, just let them know she plans on continuing working after taking leave, also not an HR person or a lawyer etc Edit: FMLA stuff is complicated, if they aren't a huge company they probably only do a handful of these a year. I would be mildly concerned but these all sound like pretty common conversations to have Hadlock fucked around with this message at 15:31 on Apr 27, 2023 |
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Apr 27, 2023 15:29
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Hadlock posted:Not that those were great comments from the CEO, but it is pretty (extremely? Pretty sure it's north of 30% for my friend group) common for women to just not come back after pregnancy leave, or come back for a few months and then quit. So it's a legitimate concern as an employer The employers concern isn't necessarily the problem for us, it's that between his question being phrased as "some people are saying..." and then hearing from her friend that he literally asked her straight up about what her opinion was regarding my wife's plan... That's personal medical information and shouldn't just be shopped around the clinic, especially after my wife had made it clear to her supervisor (who rightfully ran it up to the CEO) that she was looking for discretion as she had not told anyone else and didn't want anyone else to know. Put in a different manner: "hey boss, I have type 1 diabetes and will need to inject myself at certain times of the day I really don't want anyone else to know so please keep this confidential" "Hey so do you think since Kevman has type 1 diabetes he's gonna stay on with the company?" I'll 100% admit to the fact that I'm emotionally charged in all of this too, so maybe I'm reading too far into it but my gut says this (plus being leaned on) is a bit much. All the while she's hurt at work. Edit: for context, emphasis mine Her Lawyer posted:Can an Employer Talk About My Pregnancy in the Workplace? TheKevman fucked around with this message at 16:57 on Apr 27, 2023 |
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Apr 27, 2023 16:50
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I agree with all that but also my guess is that by week 32, it's gonna slip out of someone's mouth eventually. It's kind of hard to miss. You're technically right though
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Apr 27, 2023 17:13
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Hadlock posted:I agree with all that but also my guess is that by week 32, it's gonna slip out of someone's mouth eventually. It's kind of hard to miss. You're technically right though Yeah, I got in touch with a lawyer today and we're going to discuss it in greater detail later. I failed to give the timeline- when this happened was 3/14, roughly 6 weeks earlier. And it's not so much the fact that people 'know' it's more about how you shouldn't be gossiping about a protected class/status, which was clearly taking place. We've also compiled a timeline of events and I'll post it here if there's interest but I also don't want to derail this thread because it has been such a valuable resource for us both and I don't want to make it all about legal technicalities etc. It's just been a lovely experience for her to go from a boss who was stoked for her to be pregnant, was incredibly supportive (almost mom-like) and fully intended to allow her to work remote effectively essentially whenever she wanted + continue on after her PFL if she wanted to spend more time with our son. I encourage anyone in a state that has favorable laws to understand, read, and ask for help if/when you need them, especially if you're dealing with a 3rd party who doesn't know or understand what you're entitled to.
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Apr 27, 2023 20:23
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Hadlock posted:They can't fire you when you're on maternity leave, yes, but pretty sure they can make plans in case she doesn't come back. I don't think asking about it is illegal. Unfortunately, I don't think this is true, either. I believe that they can fire you, even while you're on maternity leave, provided they can prove that it's for non-pregnancy/protected class reasons. This was the mindset that we were operating under as well, but unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be the case.
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Apr 27, 2023 20:26
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Yeah you can 100 % be fired or laid off or basically whatever while pregnant or on leave if they pay lip service to performance reasons or justify it some other way. Even if you can prove it was for pregnancy related reasons, to do anything significant to your employer you’re looking at an expensive case where you have to prove financial damages to get compensated.
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Apr 27, 2023 22:12
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I don't have any advice on leave but definitely consider looking for a new job if the environment is as terrible as it sounds. The law should protect her in this situation theoretically but she's right to worry. Easier said than done, I definitely understand that, but employment law is complicated and if her employer is being lovely about maternity leave, they will also be lovely about a disability leave as well.
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Apr 27, 2023 22:31
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Yeah, echoing the above that it may be time to move on. Good that you're talking to a local lawyer though; even if there's nothing actionable, it can be worth the expense to have the peace of mind and to know for sure under local law what you need to be looking out for.
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Apr 28, 2023 02:27
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Luckily, I learned her good after having gone thru some stuff earlier in life and discovering the importance of documentation! I spoke with a lawyer earlier today and we will see how it goes. Thank you to all!
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Apr 28, 2023 08:15
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Look into the policy for short term disability specifically when it comes to pregnancy. I live in a liberal state and work for a company that has good maternity leave policies (for the US anyway), you would have needed to sign up and pay for short term disability a long time ago in order for it to be used for pregnancy. I don’t know details, but it’s not something that you can just “get,” you needed to have planned for it. Yes, it’s messed up and shouldn’t be like that.
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Apr 30, 2023 21:58
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So the little dude is now six weeks old. His weight is in the 7th percentile which is pretty concerning but he’s still gaining weight at the expected rate. It’s pretty hard not to feel anxious about it, especially since he had a tongue/lips/cheeks tie released a little over a week ago. One thing we have been doing is supplementing with a probiotic most days. Does that tend to reduce the frequency of pooping? He only pooped once today and I’m really trying to help my wife not freak out about it. Also, my parental leave is officially over and it’s a huge bummer. I get another six week period at the end of the summer to cover the time until daycare starts, but it’s hard to know that I can’t be helping out as much. I work from home which is great, but I’m basically chained to my computer while I’m working.
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May 2, 2023 04:45
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bamzilla posted:
this link seems dead -- any other good suggestions for baby registry item lists? Thanks!
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May 2, 2023 15:15
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Necronomicon posted:So the little dude is now six weeks old. His weight is in the 7th percentile which is pretty concerning but he’s still gaining weight at the expected rate. It’s pretty hard not to feel anxious about it, especially since he had a tongue/lips/cheeks tie released a little over a week ago. One thing we have been doing is supplementing with a probiotic most days. Does that tend to reduce the frequency of pooping? He only pooped once today and I’m really trying to help my wife not freak out about it. FWIW my now almost two year old was in the 6-8%ile for the first year of his life and he didn’t have any issues with ties or feeding, he’s just a small guy. The important part is that they follow the curve, not necessarily what percentile they are in. Do you have a reason for wanting to use a probiotic? Would you feel comfortable stopping for a few days to see? If they are formula fed they will poop less than breastfed. If the poop is soft it’s nothing to worry about, but if it’s coming out formed or hard, keep an eye on it, they may need something to help soften it up.
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May 2, 2023 23:47
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Necronomicon posted:So the little dude is now six weeks old. His weight is in the 7th percentile which is My 2.5 year old was in the 5% and is currently in the 10% and as I'm typing this she's climbing all over my wife screaming for a bottle of milk As long as they're roughly following "the curve" doesn't matter if their particular curve is above or below the average, it's fine. When it's concerning is when you have "failure to thrive" which is very obvious. Doesn't sound like you're anywhere near there
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May 3, 2023 04:42
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Necronomicon posted:So the little dude is now six weeks old. His weight is in the 7th percentile which is pretty concerning but he’s still gaining weight at the expected rate. It’s pretty hard not to feel anxious about it, especially since he had a tongue/lips/cheeks tie released a little over a week ago. One thing we have been doing is supplementing with a probiotic most days. Does that tend to reduce the frequency of pooping? He only pooped once today and I’m really trying to help my wife not freak out about it. Sup, my lil guy is 9 weeks and has been in the 5-7th percentile his whole short life. It's difficult not to freak out especially when his two weeks older cousin is way bigger, but he's gaining, just on his own curve. Babies poo schedule seems to be all over the place - this kid has gone from pooing twice a day to once every three days to once a day. What we were told is that all of that is normal, as long as he pees on the reg.
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May 3, 2023 13:00
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Around the six week mark, our baby's pooping schedule suddenly shifted from multiple per day to every 1-2 days. His weight percentile was low teens at birth, but he was born a few weeks early. By 2 months, he was 80th for weight and has been following that curve ever since (10 months old now), so he basically caught up to his height being 99th percentile. If you're feeding your baby when they're hungry, and they're peeing and pooping normally, they'll get to whatever weight they need to be.
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May 3, 2023 13:59
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Fwiw our 19 month old was around the tenth percentile basically until she completely weaned off formula at 12 months (we switched completely from breastmilk at like 7 months?). She spat up so much that even when she was on breastmilk we had to add formula to it to up the calorie count. Anyway, now she's like 40th percentile.
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May 3, 2023 17:05
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What do y'all wish you had known or thought to do or buy in advance before the first child arrived?
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May 3, 2023 17:13
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Hieronymous Alloy posted:What do y'all wish you had known or thought to do or buy in advance before the first child arrived? Hard to answer because at the end of the day little babies don't need that much stuff BUT Things I used a lot but didn't expect to: - a baby wearing apparatus of some sort - big muslin towels/blankets instead of standard burp cloths - a safe space to put them in the area you spend a lot of time (like a pack n play in the living room), especially if you have other kids or pets - waterproof changing pad liners that you can just throw down on a couch or whatever to change them - a bottle or two and a can of formula even if you plan to breast feed just as a safety net/back up (can also feed breast milk out of bottles too obviously and combo feeding is great too)
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May 3, 2023 19:13
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