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SerCypher posted:These two never fail to brighten my day Holy poo poo that's wonderful, I'd never seen that one before.
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Mar 14, 2012 22:56
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Ovo posted:And my personal favourite onion article from this year, NBA Announces Supernatural Investigation Spin-Off ‘NBA Nights’ My favorite on the year: Knicks Doctors Continue Carefully Reinjuring Carmelo Anthony's Groin.
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Mar 18, 2012 04:08
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moller posted:Roof On Fire Claims Lives Of 43 Party People I absolutely adore the final line of that article - "The fire is New York's deadliest since 1978, when 117 party people burned, baby, burned to death in a South Bronx disco inferno."
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Jun 17, 2012 01:40
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Jerusalem posted:Oh my God I need to combine  ,  , and 
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Jun 22, 2012 05:32
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 Holy loving poo poo, Onion. That's... goddamn.
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Jun 22, 2012 21:18
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lasts years man posted:And on the dark turn things have taken: http://www.theonion.com/articles/you-will-die-someday-and-it-will-be-sad-all-man-th,28812/ I... I wanna go hug my mom and tell her I love her. 
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Jul 28, 2012 07:39
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ultrafilter posted:I love the idea of Literally Unbelievable, but I had to stop reading it. It's just too painful. If I ever feel faith in humanity, I pull up Literally Unbelievable. Kills that faith right quick.
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Jul 29, 2012 21:38
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ultrafilter posted:It Would Be An Honor To Serve My Country, Return With PTSD, Sit On A Mental Health Care Waitlist, Then Kill Myself Uhm...
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Aug 16, 2012 22:27
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AgentHaiTo posted:Whoa, this is some evil stuff. Jesus. This is it. This is the Onion article that is too hosed up for me to read.
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Aug 21, 2012 22:57
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Holy poo poo. Chicago Public Schools Celebrate Fifth Straight Day Without Any Violence. That's... one way to look at the teacher strike, I guess...
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Sep 20, 2012 20:30
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And up next in the holy poo poo file: Nick Jr. Suspends Production On 'The Almighty Muhammad's Porkalicious Toon Jihad'
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Sep 21, 2012 15:26
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U.S. Authorities Can't Really Fault Al-Qaeda For Deadly Bombing Of Carnival Cruise Ship
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Sep 24, 2012 15:42
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D.C. Residents Can Remember Exactly Who They Were Murdering When Nationals Clinched First Ever Playoff Berth
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Sep 28, 2012 19:15
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Mitt Romney Frantically Running Around Ohio Smiling And Wavingquote:CANTON, OH—As part of an effort to cut into President Obama’s lead in the crucial swing state of Ohio, Mitt Romney reportedly ran at full speed Monday around the entire state screaming “Hello!” at the top of his lungs while smiling and waving indiscriminately. “Hello, Ohio! How ya doing? Hi! How is everybody? I’m Mitt Romney!” the breathless, sweat-drenched candidate spat out randomly as he tore across the state without pause, furiously kissing babies and tossing them backwards over his shoulder in a mad dash that has now taken him through 30 of Ohio’s 88 counties. “The beautiful state of Ohio! Go Buckeyes! Jobs! Ohio! Hello! I’m Mitt Romney!” At press time, Romney had reportedly dived through the plate-glass front window of a North Canton bar, scrambled to his feet, wolfed down a large plate of pancakes, waved to restaurant patrons for five seconds, furiously stammered out a few words about the economy, stumbled out through the front door, and sprinted in the direction of Youngstown.
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Oct 3, 2012 19:44
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Jerusalem posted:Apparently Diamond Joe Biden is going to be "live-tweeting" during his debate with Paul Ryan This is me in real life right now:  Also, oh god: http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation-did-not-see-mark-wahlbergs-sex-change-comin,29857/ And an all-time favorite, which may come true at some point: http://www.theonion.com/articles/supreme-court-upholds-bill-of-rights-in-54-decisio,6453/ BrooklynBruiser has a new favorite as of 03:13 on Oct 10, 2012 |
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Oct 10, 2012 03:10
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So... Uh... Man Googles Matt Damon's Address Because, Well, He’s Crazy And Wants To Murder Him 
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Nov 8, 2012 17:38
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Oh my god I've never seen this before, and holy gently caress, I was 100% that kid.
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Nov 9, 2012 16:25
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That is loving beautiful. Another "funny then the last sentence owns" article: Busy Mom Wishes She Had Enough Spare Time To gently caress CIA Director posted:MEDIA, PA—Folding laundry Thursday morning as she watched television coverage of the latest revelations in the affair between Gen. David Petraeus and his biographer Paula Broadwell, local mother Dinah Cooley told reporters she wished she had enough time to gently caress the director of the CIA once in a while. “What I wouldn’t give to just drop everything, slip away for a little while, and gently caress a CIA director,” Cooley said with a huff, adding that she doesn’t understand why it’s always someone else who gets to have fun loving high-ranking military and intelligence officers. “Between cooking three meals a day, chauffeuring the kids around, and keeping this house in order, I barely have time to gently caress a low-level CIA operative, much less the director of the whole agency. And even if I did get an hour alone with him, I’d probably be too exhausted to really get anything out of it.” Sighing softly as she returned to her work, Cooley added that she would just have to settle with loving her neighbor for now.
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Nov 15, 2012 20:55
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New Al-Qaeda Recruit Sick Of Hearing Senior Terrorists Brag About 9/11 Attacks
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Nov 16, 2012 00:18
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Robert Denby posted:The Onion gets just a tad surreal: This is loving hilarious to me for some reason.
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Dec 10, 2012 18:57
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Kind Milkman posted:I find it oddly endearing. It makes Chris Christie seem more human. On the subject of The Boss: "It's Funny, I've Actually Only Been To New Jersey A Couple Of Times" by Bruce Springsteen
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Dec 10, 2012 20:00
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Everyone At Office Planning Shooting Spree For Same Day
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Jan 3, 2013 19:04
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This is actually the most depressing thing I've ever read. Afghanistan War Veteran Solemnly Recalls Seeing Entire Platoon Killed By Undiagnosed PTSD quote:DUNN, NC—After being asked to speak about his experience fighting in the war in Afghanistan on Tuesday, U.S. Army veteran Jackson Richards solemnly recalled an episode when, during a five-year period immediately following his return to the United States, his whole platoon was murdered by undiagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder. “Right from the beginning, you could tell things were looking bad; it was clear some of us weren’t going to make it out alive,” said the 26-year-old lieutenant, his voice trembling as he described how each of his friends was psychologically tortured, shot, or hanged during the 264-week-long ordeal. “The worst was the constant sense of fear and dread, not knowing when the enemy was going to creep up and strike while your kids were at school.” Richards added that he is always happy to answer questions about the war, since he is constantly reliving his experiences over and over in his head.
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Jan 16, 2013 22:18
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8th Grader Impregnated During Trip To 'March For Life' Event posted:WASHINGTON—Mallory Pickens, a 13-year-old pro-life extremist attending today’s March for Life event in the nation’s capital, was reportedly unaware that she had been impregnated the previous evening by a fellow member of her church’s anti-abortion organization. “Right to choose? That’s a lie! Babies do not choose to die!” chanted the sign-toting Lambs of Christ activist who is utterly ignorant of the fact that the semen of Kirk Tussle, a 13-year-old fellow church member and pro-life extremist, had completed the capacitation stage and resulted in a fertilized zygote following a fumbling sexual encounter at the Holiday Inn Express where their group had rented several adjoining rooms. “Life from conception! No exception!” At press time, sources close to Pickens predict that after discovering the pregnancy she will drop out of school, isolate herself from friends and family, and suffer crippling postpartum depression.
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Jan 25, 2013 22:37
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Jesus CHRIST.
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Jan 29, 2013 19:13
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God Freaks Self Out By Lying Awake Contemplating Own Immortality
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Jan 31, 2013 21:41
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8 RIDICULOUSLY HOT Photos Of Beyonce At The Super Bowl
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Feb 4, 2013 21:12
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Area Man's Knee Making Weird Soundquote:COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting that it began happening just a few days ago, local 31-year-old Anthony Forster told reporters Monday that his left knee has been making a really strange sound lately. “It’s like a little clicking noise—can you hear it?” said Forster, as he repeatedly flexed his knee back and forth in an effort to demonstrate the unusual sound. “You have to get really close and listen for it. It usually happens when I bend my knee all the way back and—there, did you hear that? It was doing it worse before, but you can still hear it.” At press time, sources confirmed a small blood clot just above Forster’s knee had broken loose and was traveling through his bloodstream to his brain, where it is expected to cause a massive stroke, killing him instantly. Spoiling the last line because it's THAT GOOD.
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Feb 11, 2013 22:00
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This is beautiful. Get Me To A Hospital, I Think I Just Swallowed Some Venom! by A Cobra
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Feb 21, 2013 18:47
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Jesus CHRIST: Sometimes I Wonder What Life Would Be Like If I Hadn’t Turned Down ‘Star Wars’ And Thrown Natalie Wood Off That Boat, by Christopher Walken
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Mar 14, 2013 15:00
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Analytic Engine posted:Was that like OJ where everyone knows he did it but the lawyer found a technicality? Everyone basically assumes it was Robert Wagner. There was never a trial or anything.
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Mar 14, 2013 18:57
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ekuNNN posted:This is genius: Isn't that Judd Apatow? Or does it just look a lot like him?
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Apr 8, 2013 14:52
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Font Too Small
BrooklynBruiser has a new favorite as of 19:37 on May 10, 2013 |
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May 10, 2013 19:30
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Bit of a blast from the past, but at least as -worthy as anything coming out today. "Area Man's Quirky Hobby Kills 27"
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May 24, 2013 14:56
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New, Improved Google Maps Lets User Launch Missile At Any Location On Globe I would make so much use of this.
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May 29, 2013 21:06
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Now this is a government message I can get behind!
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May 30, 2013 16:12
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Michele Bachmann Figures Why Not, Introduces Homosexual-Beheading Bill posted:WASHINGTON—Saying that she’ll be gone soon anyway so she might as well, Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann introduced H.R. 259: The Homosexual Decapitation Act, which would give the United States government legal authority to behead any gay U.S. Citizen. “I figured, eh, why not; I’m not running for reelection in 2014, I have nothing to lose, and I’ve been sitting on this bill for nearly five years, so what’s it going to hurt to finally throw it into the mix,” Bachmann said of the piece of legislation which, if passed, would create Homosexual Decapitation Centers throughout the country where handcuffed gay people would be taken to have their heads chopped off. “I’m also planning on introducing a Hang All The Muslims bill, the Abortion Doctor Castration Act, and H.R. 264, which would allow me to rip the throat out of any citizen who doesn’t believe in creationism. Rip it out with my teeth.” At press time, every new piece of legislation introduced by Bachmann had received more than 10 Republican cosponsors.
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May 31, 2013 18:41
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Taylor Swift Enters Alternate Universe To Date Body-Building George Harrison posted:LOS ANGELES—In just the latest in a series of whirlwind romances, sources confirmed today that singer-songwriter Taylor Swift entered an alternate universe parallel to our own earlier this week and stepped out with famed English powerlifter George Harrison. “Taylor was spotted hand-in-hand with the former Mr. Universe on Tuesday night as the two entered West Hollywood restaurant Lucques,” said US Weekly reporter Rebecca Kelly of the blossoming courtship between the 23-year-old recording artist and her new three-time Olympiad beau from a divergent plane of reality. “After dating guys like Harry Styles and Conor Kennedy, Taylor was probably looking for a more muscular hunk like George Harrison. Who can blame her for traveling outside the temporal and spatial dimensions of our world to be with him?” Swift’s relationship with Harrison comes just weeks after the pop star had been spotted in a separate alternate universe with Seattle Seahawks running back Mohandas Gandhi. So... Who spiked the water coolers at The Onion with LSD?
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Jun 5, 2013 17:33
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Hoooooooooooooooooly poo poo 13 Adorable Photos Of Baby Farm Animals, But With Each Click, Another Appendage Will Be Cut Off Our Finance Director’s Body. How Far Will You Go? When Will You Let It Stop?
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Jun 27, 2013 21:43
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