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The classic of all classics: "I'll smoke anything" http://www.theonion.com/articles/ill-smoke-anything,10882/ This one absolutely killed me when I first read it http://www.theonion.com/articles/stop-anthropomorphizing-me,11459/
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Mar 15, 2012 04:36
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http://www.theonion.com/video/what-is-your-amateur-porn-telling-employers-about,29438/ No no, you need to show the eyes! That's where the innocence is!
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Sep 5, 2012 16:50
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I read this while Biden spoke (he's still speaking) http://www.theonion.com/articles/biden-says-life-better-than-it-was-4-years-ago-but,29477 I hear him talking about the auto industry, and I hope to hear a crack about a "sweet Trans Am"
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Sep 7, 2012 02:47
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utada posted:Biden Implores Obama To 'Rub One Out' Before Debate Came here to post this.
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Oct 4, 2012 03:14
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Man, I read that till the end hoping there would be an "...until I turn senile. Oh poo poo." at the end.
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Oct 12, 2012 00:28
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Misinformed Man Riding Out Storm In Bathtub Filled With Batteries Just came here to post this one. Fills me with a certain glee.
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Oct 29, 2012 23:58
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Slovenian 8th graders surprised they outperformed the US http://www.theonion.com/articles/slovenian-8thgraders-surprised-even-they-outperfor,30692/
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Dec 20, 2012 17:55
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Robert Denby posted:Ornithologist Forced To Participate In History Channel's 'What If Humans Suddenly Became Birds?' Program Just came here to post this. Hooooooly poo poo.
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Jan 6, 2013 21:36
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/wolf-blitzer-decks-boston-man-who-hasnt-been-heale,32169/
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Apr 24, 2013 03:25
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This one popped up on my office calendar: http://www.theonion.com/articles/no-reason-you-cant-be-chiropractor-like-your-cousi,17807/
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May 11, 2013 03:09
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/breakfast-in-bed-served-to-mom-who-just-got-eaten,32401/ Some of us like it when the onion crosses lines.
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May 12, 2013 18:04
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Oh god, it's me http://www.theonion.com/articles/weird-guy-from-2-jobs-ago-still-liking-womans-phot,32499/
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May 21, 2013 01:02
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/restaurants-extreme-burger-challenge-moved-down-to,32559/ This one reminds me of the old Simpsons gag, "This little number started off as a halloween costume, but made its way into my normal rotation."
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May 28, 2013 00:39
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This man's IQ is 58 and he’s unable to use the bathroom without assistance, but boy, does that big cone of ice cream look good!
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Jun 23, 2013 19:43
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Professor Wayne posted:George Zimmerman’s Attorney Opens Second Day Of Trial With Trayvon Martin Impression After I told my roommate about the opening statement joke, this article became Literally Unbelievable.
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Jun 26, 2013 04:48
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-proud-of-cockroaches,32984/
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Jun 27, 2013 20:12
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Yeah, take it off by summer http://www.theonion.com/articles/yeah-take-it-off,20916/
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Jun 29, 2013 16:18
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I'm Sure That Out-Of-Control Water-Skier Will Avoid Our Outdoor Wedding They went a totally different direction than I thought with the penultimate paragraph.
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Jun 30, 2013 00:38
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Kids Tired Of Hearing Boring Stories About How Father A Skilled, Generous Lover
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Jul 4, 2013 03:53
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Florida Betty posted:FBI Can’t Bring Themselves To Bust Guy Torrenting Every Season Of ‘Picket Fences’ I was coming here to post this one. quote:The man who downloaded the show could not be reached for comment, which sources confirmed is unfortunate, because talking to another human being is something he could probably use right about now
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Jul 13, 2013 01:50
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Vaginapocalypse posted:Stoner Uncle All The Kid's Favorite I'm sure I've seen this one before, but this is hall-of-fame poo poo here. I particularly love the line: "And he's the only one who is even remotely competitive with the kids at PlayStation 2."
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Aug 7, 2013 12:31
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/john-kerry-costs-us-defense-industry-400-billion,33815 Is Tough Season any good?
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Sep 10, 2013 20:08
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/12yearold-hispanic-boy-not-sure-if-hes-supposed-to,33889/ 12-year-old boy not sure if he should idolize Marco Rubio
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Sep 17, 2013 19:07
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Robert Denby posted:Bullied Eighth-Grader Incorrectly Thought Classmates Would Leave Him Alone During Field Trip To 9/11 Memorial I was actually pretty disappointed that they let up on the gas towards the end of this one and didn't go super-depressing like saying the kid committed suicide at 16 because of bullying or something. Has the onion turned me into a bad person?
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Sep 29, 2013 02:56
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 Redskins' kike owner refuses to change team's offensive name
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Oct 21, 2013 21:45
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zakharov posted:I think they may find themselves in hot water with this one. Yeah I mean I sort of get what they were going for here but the joke is really not funny enough to cover for the offensiveness. This is also one where I'm not quite sure how they will walk it back. I mean it's not as though it was just a twitter thing.
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Oct 21, 2013 22:23
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Soho Joe posted:The Onion using racial slurs as satire, you say? There is surely no such precedent! Uh, that was a true story. I think the guy got kicked off the plane.
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Oct 22, 2013 07:12
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-nhl-actually-has-had-hundreds-of-openly-gay,32639/
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Dec 30, 2013 18:55
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And just because http://www.theonion.com/articles/dick-vitale-enthusiastic-about-latest-alqaeda-plot,34146/
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Dec 31, 2013 04:01
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Local church full of brainwashed idiots feeds town's poor and homeless
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Jan 3, 2014 19:05
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Wait, What If We Try Giving People Home Loans They Can’t Actually Afford To Pay Off?
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Jan 13, 2014 20:13
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Blurred but still not safe for work Olympic Village Tour: See Where The Athletes Live, Train And gently caress Each Other Okay... one sneak peek, still NSFW http://i.imgur.com/8rnf4ii.png
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Feb 13, 2014 22:25
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I burst out laughing when the picture came across my facebook wall. http://www.theonion.com/articles/john-kerry-sits-in-shadows-of-kiev-cafe-awaiting-w,35436/
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Mar 4, 2014 22:31
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Report: The leading cause of death in the US is god needing another angel
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Mar 18, 2014 21:59
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Lord Hydronium posted:Hey everyone, call your grandma. Aw man 
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Mar 25, 2014 12:00
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New Facebook feature to reveal the exact moment your life went downhill
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Jun 3, 2014 20:23
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I suspect that there's a really sarcastic physics guy on the onion staff. First there was http://www.theonion.com/articles/top-theoretical-physicists-rb-singers-meet-to-deba,35882/ which I thought was hilarious, in part because it seemed to be saying something about people like Michio Kaku saying stuff like this http://scienceblogs.com/principles/2010/06/23/the-physics-of-the-imbecile/ and then today, we learned about Bill Simmons traveling through the vortex to see how LeBron James does in different eras http://www.theonion.com/articles/bill-simmons-ventures-into-interdimensional-vortex,36205/ which seems to be giving at least a little grief to the "Mathematical Multiverse" ideas of Max Tegmark.
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Jun 6, 2014 08:50
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Evil Mastermind posted:Oh god, I can't believe I forgot about Lake Dredge Appraisal. That was loving art. And Horrifying Planet. Oh, and this reductress is a little too close to home: http://reductress.com/post/how-to-stay-hidden-during-sex/
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Jun 17, 2014 15:43
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DoctorWhat posted:If You Grew Up With 'Calvin And Hobbes,' You Need To Watch This Right Now Just to say that link is pretty NWS. http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3142608
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Jun 17, 2014 19:39
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Oh man Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism?
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Jul 5, 2014 21:49
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