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This Tortoise Is 182 Years Old. So Why Hasn’t He Stopped History’s Greatest Atrocities? quote:Consider this: When the oldest living human—116-year-old Misao Okawa of Japan—was born, Jonathan was already nearly 70 years old. He’d already witnessed the tail end of American slavery, the height of British imperialism, and the brutal working conditions under early industrialization.
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Mar 9, 2017 17:38
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vape
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Mar 14, 2017 20:02
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an oldie but still one of my favourite headlines to date: Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snackistan
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Mar 17, 2017 07:58
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Inspiring! "Horseplay" "Sins I-V"
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Mar 18, 2017 20:17
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GOP Makes Good on 2009 Promise to Block President's Healthcare Bill
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Mar 27, 2017 21:08
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American Voices: Kentucky Temporarily Barred From Closing Only Abortion Clinic every one of them is great but I particularly love Leroy Diwald, Tuna Prepper posted:Seems like now’s a good opportunity for some enterprising individual to go open up Kentucky’s second abortion clinic. StandardVC10 posted:Man Who Skipped Airport’s Moving Walkway Immediately Realizes What An Arrogant Fool He’s Been “My pride—my accursed pride—has brought me to this! Like Icarus and Arachne before me, let my tale serve as a warning to all those who would surrender to the vile temptations of the ego.” lol
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Apr 7, 2017 02:33
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Apr 29, 2017 04:21
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a healthcare 2-for-1: Nation’s Back Alleys Working To Expand Available Services In Anticipation Of Trumpcare Bill Becoming Law quote:“We’re gonna have thousands of people coming through here soon, and right now we’re just not ready for them,” said Durham, NC man Curtis Hendershaw, who spoke from a narrow alleyway behind the Dragon Inn Chinese restaurant, adding that he had already begun making calls to all the unlicensed physicians and disgraced former medical professionals he knows. “We’re used to stitching a guy up here and there, but as soon as insurers can drop essential benefits and impose annual payment caps, we’ll be doing all sorts of major surgeries, pediatric services, mental health treatment, you name it.” 5 Healing Herbal Teas That Will Have To Do Some Heavy loving Lifting If The Affordable Care Act Is Repealed quote:3. Passion flower: Can a tea substitute for Xanax? It’s time to loving find out! The beautifully named passion flower brews into a delicious tea that doubles as an anxiety-easing sedative, and it’s gotta be a pretty goddamn strong one if it’s going to take your mind off the fact that refilling the pills that let you get any sleep at all just got hosed up to a hundred dollars a pop following whatever half-baked Band-Aid Congress slaps on the carcass of the ACA.
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May 5, 2017 01:43
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ouch.
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May 5, 2017 22:38
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Lord Hydronium posted:Jesus, that is (entirely deservedly) so much more vicious than their usual stuff. I was a fan of quote:If respect for human life doesn’t interest you, try to remember that sick and indigent people are, at this point, still legally allowed to vote.
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May 6, 2017 04:21
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drat they are running with this thing GOP Promises Americans Will be Able Keep Current Medical Conditions if Obamacare Repealed quote:Ryan added that under the new system, millions of Americans would also see a 100 percent reduction in their health insurance premiums, copays, and coverage.
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May 6, 2017 06:29
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Clearing The Air: Donald Trump Has Announced That He Fired James Comey For Taking Too Long To Uncover His Ties With The Russian Government
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May 10, 2017 22:26
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‘The Onion’ Invites Republican Candidate Greg Gianforte To Physically Assault Our Entire Editorial Staff The Onion is too good for this world. The Onion posted:To further clarify just how he may treat our journalists, we ask that Mr. Gianforte refer to the following list of attacks that we have approved for his use, either individually or in combination, against any member of The Onion staff:
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May 25, 2017 23:33
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I would legit read this
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Jun 9, 2017 23:17
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Evil Mastermind posted:
that's the greatest thing I ever saw
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Jul 13, 2017 07:19
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Vegan Unaware Pineapple He's Eating Once Used to Beat Cow to Death just a picture, but the headline is the first one that made me chuckle out loud in a while
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Jul 20, 2017 21:38
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Omnomnomnivore posted:Ominous Darkness Descending On Webpage Portends Grim Age Of Autoplaying Ad To Come I continue to be surprised by the genius that comes out of their offices every day. ‘You Deserve Better Than The Person You’re Dating,’ Reports Little Voice In Back Of Mind The Onion posted:At press time, the same little voice reported that you just threw away the best thing you ever had.
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Aug 2, 2017 18:55
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Longtime Residents Worry Roommate With Well-Paid Job Slowly Gentrifying Apartment
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Aug 6, 2017 18:35
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Evil Mastermind posted:Hey, another article about me! Man 20 Minutes Into Organizing Shelves Becomes Grimly Aware Of What Chaos He Has Wrought I think their posts about the everyday events in the lives of regular people as though they're newsworthy are my favourite
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Aug 9, 2017 17:57
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5 Of My Father’s Funerals Where He Turned Out To Be Alive And In Attendance, And 2 Funerals Where He Was Actually Dead
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Aug 9, 2017 23:43
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fits posted:Feminists Don’t Want To Admit It, But It’s Actually Biological Gender Differences That Keep Women From Succeeding In My Meticulously Engineered Mega-Labyrinth "Women’s and men’s brains are obviously not functionally interchangeable. If they were, why would so many more women than men be unwilling to slay the guards who block the false door at the end of Hallway 367? I doubt liberals have an answer to that question, and I would challenge them to let go of their precious identity politics and admit that men are simply more assertive than women, and they more often complete my set of Herculean tasks for that reason."
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Aug 11, 2017 21:23
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What is Trump's Relationship With White Nationalism?The Onion posted:Q: What is his position on monuments memorializing Civil War veterans?
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Aug 16, 2017 00:14
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Next-Level Gaming: The New ‘Call Of Duty’ Will Penalize Players For Shooting Nazis Who Are Actually Very Fine People "Instead of just blasting away at every enemy soldier, players will have to consider whether each individual Nazi might be an otherwise decent person who just happens to be fighting alongside some real bad apples." 
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Aug 18, 2017 01:25
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here's a game: try and guess the headline from the quote “This won’t be easy. If nothing else, I’m hoping it’ll be over with pretty quick.”
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Aug 25, 2017 21:40
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I didn't know I needed this but I do
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Oct 7, 2017 02:00
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CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years "I was once ordered to feed documents into a copying machine in order to make backups of some very important top-secret records, but it turned out to be some sort of device that cut the paper to shreds."
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Oct 15, 2017 17:01
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Alabama Forced to Release Thousands of Sex Offenders After Inmates Deny Chargesquote:“We sometimes ask these individuals not just once but multiple times if they’re guilty of sex crimes, and when they say no, often very emphatically, our hands are pretty much tied.” drat
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Dec 6, 2017 02:56
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still one of their best: Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan The Onion posted:Relations between the two countries grew stale in 1994, when Fritolaysian rufflelutionaries crossed zestablished borders and forced Snakistan to dispatch cheesekeeping forces.
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Dec 22, 2017 22:36
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"The Onion" posted:MYTH: The movement’s goal is for whites to live separately in an ethno-state. 
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Feb 7, 2018 03:58
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I never thought I'd see the word amanuensis outside of Cloud Atlas
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Feb 9, 2018 03:59
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ultrafilter posted:John Kelly Struggles To Maintain Believable Trump Impression During Phone Calls With Parkland Survivors for a second, I read this as John Kerry and I was hopeful that they had done another spy story
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Feb 24, 2018 02:26
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veni veni veni posted:Man, what happened to the onions video department? I was just watching some stuff from around 2012 and they were just killing it. Clickhole's bizarro poo poo can be funny sometimes, and the regular Onion barely does video anymore, but nothing comes close to stuff like Today: Now or Sex House. have you been watching the Film Standard? because those are all pretty much gold
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Mar 18, 2018 19:37
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ThingOne posted:Paul Ryan Will Not Seek Reelection
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Apr 13, 2018 00:23
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‘These Kids Should Be In School Instead Of Protesting,’ Say People So Tantalizingly Close To Getting The Point
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Apr 21, 2018 06:27
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they still do the Film Standard, which is pretty great
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May 16, 2018 17:21
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Woman Nervously Reaches for Cell Phone as Suspicious Black Man Tells Her Today's Soup is Minestrone The Onion has been downright vicious lately.
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May 21, 2018 04:39
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Diamond Joe is back!
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May 21, 2018 23:15
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Picture only but it's a good one
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Jun 26, 2018 01:07
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zoux posted:https://twitter.com/broderick/status/1016684369077993473 lmao. it's even better since they ran this story about people mistakenly believing The Onion a couple years ago
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Jul 10, 2018 17:58
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Dr. Arbitrary posted:Washington Post Offers Non-Subscribers 10 Free Articles To Fact Check Per Month
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Jul 11, 2018 03:00
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