|
swaziloo posted:Feedback is very much appreciated. I can see that my attempt to convey the perceptions of a mind severely altered for the first time (by something not unlike MDMA) was lost on, apparently, everyone. If that was what you were going for, and not some science fiction thing that made no sense, then read pretty much any one of surreptitiousmuffin's entries for the dome and take a lesson. I wouldn't call your story subtle, just disjointed in a fumbling, clumsy, uncompelling way. Also, Saddest Rhino, your story made me smile the most this round. Getting something actually funny this round was a christmas miracle.
|
#
?
Dec 24, 2012 20:19
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 27, 2024 10:13 |
|
|
swaziloo posted:Feedback is very much appreciated. I can see that my attempt to convey the perceptions of a mind severely altered for the first time (by something not unlike MDMA) was lost on, apparently, everyone. "This audience" includes avid fans of scifi and fantasy, high brow literary aficionados, low brow nothing aficionados, Chairchucker, and god knows what else. To which sort of audience were you directing your subtlety? The drug use wasn't lost on us, it was lost in translation. I see, at second glance, two lines in the story that reference some kind of intoxication/drugs: quote:He doubted she could see much clearly in their current state. and quote:..."Vann found the chemistry in one of the archives. We've done it a bunch of times." both of which come later in the story, after we've read all of these inexplicable descriptions of this girl moving, giggling, squirming, sweating, and etc. I mean you don't have to be obvious like "We join our intoxicated heroes in their under water dome..." but something in the first few lines that establishes a little more scene and situation would go a long way. Not to sound patronizing or whatever, but I like to think of writing as giving readers a blueprint with which they build their own version of whatever is in my head. How close they get to what I "see" is up to me as a writer. Sometimes I'll write a passage that is crystal clear in my head, but then someone reads it and has no idea what is going on because I chose the wrong handful of details from the much bigger picture that I visualized while writing. I don't mean to pick on you or anything, but "for this audience" is a hell of a caveat when you're ostensibly accepting critique.
|
|
#
?
Dec 24, 2012 20:23
|
|
|
Sitting Here posted:I don't mean to pick on you or anything, but "for this audience" is a hell of a caveat when you're ostensibly accepting critique. Criticism on my interpretation is additionally appreciated. My remark was intended to include my previous critiques as well, which, from where I'm sitting, seem to say "we missed the subtlety" just about every time. I'm not blaming "this audience" for not grasping said subtlety, I'm just understanding that it's not coming through. Now, this isn't the only audience with whom I have shared the short stories I've written here, but here at the 'dome is where I seem to have the hardest time connecting, which is (very much to your point, I believe) a compelling criticism in itself. I think that reading twenty-something short stories in a row probably modifies the experience any one piece of prose would have on its own. I know that for me, this is the case, and who would deny that knowing your audience is a part of success when writing?
|
|
#
?
Dec 24, 2012 20:49
|
|
|
Subtlety is a thing you can overdo - now you mention it, it's an interesting idea I'll keep in mind when reading your story again, but the fact that all the judges and some others seem to have missed it suggests you used too many layers of pastry. I'm dumb as a box of rocks and still here next week so bear that in mind when rolling out your delicate literary souffles. Also, and this is a limitation of format rather than 'pure literature' (whatever that is), when there's 20+ stories a week and a tight time restriction, the judges simply don't have time to do a close reading of every story.
|
|
#
?
Dec 24, 2012 20:53
|
|
|
Peel posted:Also, and this is a limitation of format rather than 'pure literature' (whatever that is), when there's 20+ stories a week and a tight time restriction, the judges simply don't have time to do a close reading of every story. Pretty much what you're up against when submitting anywhere, especially magazines that are popular enough to be flooded with subs every month.
|
|
#
?
Dec 24, 2012 21:27
|
|
|
Max Storm was meant to be an ironic take on 80's era action protagonists. A sort of nod to "John Matrix" from Commando. But yeah, since the fic threw the characters into the thick of it (which was awfully done anyway), I neglected the gently caress out of introductions. So what I was left with was a poo poo intro, a poo poo middle and a poo poo end. At least it fits with The Moon because it's all about deceit, illusions, mindfucks, bad drug trips and such things since it looks like I was under the influence of all of them at once whilst writing. E: I'll try and get my second-attempt up some when later, just to show I recognized the shite I had written but due to Christmas socializing and an impending Thunderdome deadline could do nothing about.
|
|
#
?
Dec 24, 2012 21:32
|
|
|
Congrats to Saddest Rhino, and to all the other contests. Grats to the losers as well- creating something is never a defeat! I thought this round was fantastic - must be all the holiday food. Because of a comment mentioned about my card here it comes.. TA DAH! The Newbie's Story Rant: the card's presence is imbued to every aspect of the story, which was Victory, or more importantly my interpretation Achievement. The tiny biography was about the first man to circumnavigate the universe. The Achievement is summarized by the thought "History is written by the winners" hence the school setting and being taught to the next^33 generation. The last joke "Shlorp" is something that I took entirely too much pride in, my eyes view it as a commentary on the meaningless of achievement in the context of a single mind controlling every aspect of how a story is presented, it is definitely comparable to playing God. But in review I can tell I really dropped the ball on trying to run this lesson as anything but "RANDOM!" so I have to accept that the joke is just a failed abstraction. Woe is me boohoo. P.S. I regret writing so many penis jokes, there are simply too many. (Two too many) P.P.S. Trial by fire feels great, this contest is so exhilarating. To the silent majority of you this can really be a great way to enhance ones perceptions. Start thinking like a writer and all the sudden words you nonchalantly monkeyed in psychology class take on new dimensions of life. Check out what the scientific American says about the Gorilla Effect but come at it from the perspective of creation. drat.
|
|
#
?
Dec 24, 2012 22:36
|
|
|
Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:Martello is a big gay baby for not posting a story. True. Fanky Malloons posted:Or those pictures from the French dick shop that he promised me        It was closed on Friday but we went back on Saturday. I bought one of the dick bottle openers for her, and the boob one for me. Peel posted:Martello were crushed utterly by their doom. If they manage to recover in time for next week, they will have to suffer under a special restriction on content, word count, or something else the judges find amusing. lol I'm the high father of this contest so I don't have to do anything.  But anyway here's a story. Promotion 1000 words  Sten ven Ambord sprawled on a campaign stool as his elders and betters argued over how best to cut off Kard Balen-Gror's army before reaching the Usurper's host encamped before Ambrigan Castle. Sten rode in his oldest brother Bron's retinue and rarely concerned himself with the things his mother and her captains discussed. Regardless, he would ride with Bron and kill his enemies. Did it matter where he rode or who he killed? "I'm convinced we must cross the Sawtooth Range to intercept Balen-Gror," Hilda said. "Going around on the Kingsroad past Eversham will take too long." "My lady." Silver Karal raised his withered hand. "It's true, marching through Eversham valley won't be fast enough to catch Balen-Gror, but we can slow him with skirmishing actions enough that Usubren can reach the Usurper's host from the East to harry his flank." "We don't want to merely harry him," Bron said. "Usubren has fewer than three thousand men. If the Usurper attacks him they'll be cut to pieces." "Indeed." Hilda tossed her long blonde braid over one shoulder. "Passage over the Sawtooths is our only choice." "But how are we to effect the passage?" Karal said. "The Sawtooths are full of bandits. They will harass and slow us." "True," Hilda said. "So we must bind these bandits to us. I'll go up seek their chiefs to parley." Mors Tessarind, Hilda's pet bishop, stood. He was styled Archbishop of Keloden, but the Usurper still held the capital and his lover still sat the marble throne in St. Braghan's Cathedral. Tessarind was a religious figurehead as far as Sten could see, a justification for Hilda's loyalist rebellion. Not a bad fellow, and Hilda's sons knew that she was sleeping with him despite their attempts at secrecy. "Hilda, I urge you not to go yourself," Mors said, hands spread wide. "You are too important to this war to hazard death in a bandit ambush." Hilda turned to him, ice-blue eyes burning, but her second son cut her off. "He's right, Mother," Conar said. "Send me up. My Highlanders are perfect for it. And I hear there's a 'Bandit Queen,' supposed to be lovely." He showed his big teeth. "I'll charm this Queen out of her boiled leathers." "Like you need more bastards," Hilda snapped. "No, you and your scouts are too valuable to risk. I need you to leave tonight and take the Kingsroad, follow Balen-Gror and keep us informed by pigeon." "Yes Mother," Conar said good-naturedly. He left the tent to ready his banner of long-haired savages. "Send Sten," Bron said, pointing to his brother. Sten looked up at Bron with a start. "He's fought fiercely and with skill, and I believe he's ready to take his own entourage." Hilda narrowed her eyes at her fifth son. "I believe you're right. Viklar's too busy talking to animals, and Taid is with Usubren in the East." Sten stood up, but still said nothing. "Pick twenty huskarls and fyrdmen from my banner," Bron said to him. "I suggest you give him some of Conar's Highlanders for this venture, Mother." "Make it happen." She put both hands on Sten's shoulders, her blue eyes level with his green ones. "You're 19 and ready for this responsibility. Go and represent us well, my darling. Turn these bandits to our cause, and guide us through the mountains to Ambrigan." "Thank you, lady Mother," Sten said. "I will execute this mission well and faithfully." The formality was for the benefit of the other captains. He bowed and then kissed Hilda's cheek. **** Sten rode at the head of his column beside Donal TanCruath, cousin to Conar's icy wife Catrona and an experienced scout. Donal wore his hair in a long ponytail in the Highlander style, a fur cape over chainmail. Conar had assiged six scouts to Sten's banner, bringing his men up to thirty-five along with those chosen from Bron's command. Two thegns from the southern shires of his mother's lands, fifteen huskarls, and the rest common fyrdmen but skillful and brave. The Sawtooths were true to their name, sharp peaks rising on either side of the narrow passes. Two miles into the mountains, Sten had seen no life save for a few vultures wheeling overhead. Donal's scouts went ahead at times, and reported small signs of men here and there. A few hours later, the bandits struck. Donal and two Highlanders had just returned to the column. "My lord," he said. "We've seen movement ahead. We must proceed with great care." Sten grinned fiercely, his bloodlust rising. "Let them come to us." He turned and ordered his men to be on guard. He unlimbered his axe and shrugged his kite-shaped shield onto his left arm. Donal grunted to Sten's left as an arrow hit his left arm just above the rim of his round leather buckler. "Shields up!" Sten barked, wheeling his horse to face the rocks on his left. Arrows rattled among his column, he heard grunts and cries as some found marks. Men in fur, leather, and rusted mail rushed from among the rocks, howling and waving weapons. Sten spurred his horse at a man with a boar-spear. He jerked his horse to the left, neatly avoided a thrust, split the bandit's head with a backhand swing. Another lunged with a rusted sword, tip ringing off Sten's shieldboss. Sten's mare rose up and smashed her hooves on the bandit's chest, dropping him. Sten spurred foreword, Donal at his side, plying his broadsword among the bandits heedless of his arrow-wound. The fight was over in minutes, only four of Sten's men dead. Most of the bandits were slain or fled, just a few left alive and captured. Sten dismounted and approached a fat, fur-clad bandit tied by one of his thegns. Sten smiled a wolf smile. "Tell me where to find this Bandit Queen." He lifted the bandit's chin with his axe. "We're here to parley, not fight. Unfortunate fool! These mountains will be my mother's by tomorrow."
|
|
#
?
Dec 24, 2012 23:59
|
|
|
Martello posted:
Your story is incredible. This part, however, is lacking in the same feeling as the rest of the piece. It's all action and no emotion. You could cut it entirely and hard transition to the next part for greater effect. In my humble opinion, of course. The story overall is incredible. Edited to not sound like a dick. I really do love it. Edit 2: Dick, I really do love it. Why can't I stop making penis jokes.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 00:24
|
|
|
If you didn't see the pipes!'s sticky, there's another SA charity drive going on. http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3521233
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 00:32
|
|
|
Tonsured posted:Your story is incredible. This part, however, is lacking in the same feeling as the rest of the piece. It's all action and no emotion. You could cut it entirely and hard transition to the next part for greater effect. In my humble opinion, of course. The story overall is incredible. Thanks dude. I'll see what I can do to mess around with the action scene and spice it up a bit. I was clipping words, had to get rid of 100 after I was done. I'll make a new thread for it tonight if I get the time. Oh and never feel bad about being a dick to me, I'm all about harsh criticism. If it's funny and mean all the better. Also I posted a bunch of photos of dicks so it's appropriate.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 02:07
|
|
|
Awwwww thanks you guys  For that you all deserve a Christmas present! The present is a prompt.   Thunderdome Week XXI: Welcome to My Sensorium quote:SYNAESTHESIA noun \ˌsi-nəs-ˈthē-zh(ē-)ə\ INTRO: One of the best stories I have ever read about the phenomenon of synaesthesia is The Empire of Ice Cream by Jeffrey Ford. You can read the full story in the link, but here’re the introductory lines if you do not have the time: quote:Are you familiar with the scent of extinguished birthday candles? For me, their aroma is superceded by a sound like the drawing of a bow across the bass string of a violin. This note carries all of the melancholic joy I have been told the scent engenders-the loss of another year, the promise of accrued wisdom. Likewise, the notes of an acoustic guitar appear before my eyes as a golden rain, falling from a height just above my head only to vanish at the level of my solar plexus. There is a certain imported Swiss cheese I am fond of that is all triangles, whereas the feel of silk against my fingers rests on my tongue with the flavor and consistency of lemon meringue. These perceptions are not merely thoughts, but concrete physical experiences. SCOPE OF TASK: FIRSTLY: Write, in one thousand (1,000) words or less, a story which revolves or involves a condition where the senses and stimulation operate in a way that is uncommon. You may choose to go with synaesthesia, or any other condition such as sensory deprivation, exaggeration or something you made up completely. SECONDLY: If you choose to explain how it came about, the sensory condition cannot arise from speculative means. No horror, fantasy or sci-fi allowed. This means (for illustration purposes) your character cannot be smelling farts when watching cartoons because the Gods of Intestinal Indigestion wanted to be mean to him. THIRDLY: NO JASON BOURNE PILLS/INJECTIONS/VIRAL. TIME BEING OF THE ESSENCE: I understand some holiday is involved so some leniency in deadlines will be made out whereby gently caress you, this is Thunderdome and you shall abide by the rules, wimp. Entries deadline is 00:00 GMT+8 (Kuala Lumpur/Beijing/Singapore) Friday 28 December 2012. Submission deadline is 00:00 GMT+8, Monday 31 December 2012. HINT: If you type “Time in Beijing” into Google or your address bar you will get the time in Singapore. GENERAL CONDITIONS: Any judge may impose a Flash Rule on part or all of the participants at its sole discretion, so long as such reason can be attributed to “for the judge's own amusement”. SPECIAL CONDITIONS (AS AND WHEN APPLICABLE): IF AND WHEN either of V for Vegas, Benagain, Velyoukai, BirdOfPrey or Martello signs up for WEEK XXI, one or more Flash Rules may be imposed by any judge to that participant at its sole discretion. In short: you are at the mercy of said judge. In brief: u r fukd lol. JUDGES: The Saddest Rhino, Peel, and Chairchucker  HAPPY HOLIDAYS PARTICIPANTS: toanoradian - SUBMITTED Martello [Gambling] [Bruce Willis] - SUBMITTED Beezle Bug - SUBMITTED Benagain [Beard Revolution] Bad Seafood - SUBMITTED Peel - SUBMITTED sebmojo [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXQViqx6GMY] - SUBMITTED Noah [No stupidity] - SUBMITTED twinkle cave - SUBMITTED SurreptitiousMuffin [Electric Six] - SUBMITTED Sitting Here [Kwanzaa] Fell Fire - SUBMITTED Fanky Malloons - SUBMITTED
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 03:42
|
|
|
The Saddest Rhino posted:THIRDLY: NO JASON BOURNE PILLS/INJECTIONS/VIRAL. I haven't watched any Bourne movies (assuming that's where Jason Bourne is from), what does this mean? quote:GMT+8. Yesss, more unique timezones! This is what Thunderdome needs. Man, typing "I'm in" feels like being slapped with a wooden dick.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 03:51
|
|
|
The Saddest Rhino posted:or Martello signs up for WEEK XXI, one or more Flash Rules may be imposed by any judge to that participant at its sole discretion. In short: you are at the mercy of said judge. In brief: u r fukd lol. sock it to me baby bitch
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 03:55
|
|
|
toanoradian posted:I haven't watched any Bourne movies (assuming that's where Jason Bourne is from), what does this mean? The latest Bourne movie explains that the dangerous CIA agents are given pills and chems to deprive them from feeling pain and emotions so they can be better dangerous CIA agents. In fact the Mcguffin of the fourth movie was all about Jeremy Renner needing his meds like a crazed TCC poster and ends with him unconsciously buying a yacht for Rachel Weisz in the Philippines. I wish I was exaggerating. E: Martello posted:sock it to me baby bitch FLASH RULE (MARTELLO-EXCLUSIVE) Your story most involve an element of gambling of your choosing (e.g. casino, blackjack, game theory, strip poker).
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 03:57
|
|
|
I can take a punch, signing up again
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 04:01
|
|
|
Good work, Rhino. I just placed a call to the roller of big cigars.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 04:07
|
|
|
The Saddest Rhino posted:
oh god please don't make me write about a gambling place or people gambling which is very noir and within my oeuvre
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 04:08
|
|
|
I'ma sign up again. Because I hosed up but goddamn if I won't keep climbing that mountain.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 04:50
|
|
|
Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:Who here would donate their stories to a TD anthology in good ole print (with possible e-book edition--but why bother)? Either it'd be sold at cost or at low profit to support something like a literary magazine, remove marks of shame from losers that do well, donate to a charity, or some other poo poo. As is? I'm leaning away from that. It's enough pressure trying deliberately to do something different for peers and judges, even though honestly nobody cares how well I do. Producing non-judged, non-critiqued, first-version flash fiction worth publication on the first try? That's intimidating. Okay, I'd put the bug story up for charity because a lot of people did great that round and helping someone is worth the slight embarrassment. I'd buy one copy and then hide it. [e: Martello posted:very noir and within my oeuvre
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 05:05
|
|
|
Rose Wreck posted:[e: what are you saying right now is it something about being gay idgi
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 08:15
|
|
|
Martello posted:what are you saying right now is it something about being gay idgi 'tis the season for gay merriment. That's why I'm knee deep in cumnog.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 08:19
|
|
|
To celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour, I will be giving the gift of, like, a billion flash rules. Starting with:Benagain posted:I'ma sign up again. Because I hosed up but goddamn if I won't keep climbing that mountain. Dear Benagain, According to this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvqcoLK-rHI Jesus had a beard. For Christmas Thunderdome this year, and to make up for your failure last week, you must have more bearded people in your story than beardless people. Love, Your pal Chairchucker. Merry Christmas.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 08:48
|
|
|
Dickshop, cumnog...man, this thread introduced me to a lot of penis-based entertainments. More please.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 08:48
|
|
|
So this is Christmas... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8Vfp48laS8&t=8s
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 09:00
|
|
|
'Twas the night before Thunderdome, when all through the thread Each contestant was stirring with thoughts filled with dread. The submissions were placed by the deadline with care In fear that Shawn-Bohner soon would be there. In it.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 10:00
|
|
|
Since I toxxed and I'm not heading the contest this week, I'll enter. Eligible to lose, but not to win.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 10:17
|
|
|
In it to win it, bitches. I think Chairchucker should give Martello like 19 interlocking mutually contradictory flash rules. That's what I think.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 10:24
|
|
|
sebmojo posted:In it to win it, bitches. What a jolly good idea. This flash rule is for Martello: Die Hard is inarguably the greatest Christmas Movie of all time. To commemorate John McClane's badassery while bereft of shoes, someone in Martello's story must be inconvenienced by the lack of an article of clothing. This flash rule is for Sebmojo: Mariah Carey, as well as being totally perfect in every way, is responsible for almost certainly the greatest Christmas album ever. Sebmojo's story must contain or reference Mariah Carey, and I had better like the way she is portrayed.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 10:30
|
|
|
In.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 11:02
|
|
|
sebmojo posted:In it to win it, bitches. Chairchucker posted:What a jolly good idea. This is the best Christmas EVER!
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 16:26
|
|
|
Beezle Bug posted:I can take a punch, signing up again Hey Beezle Bug, see this song? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9jbdgZidu8 Now, it's no Mariah Carey obviously, but it is still a lovely, heartwarming Christmas song. I'd like for you to capture some of the essence of the conversation in this song in your story. Can you do that for me, hmmm? Now I've asked very nicely because this is Christmas and because my mother done brought me up right, but this is nonetheless a Flash Rule.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 16:34
|
|
|
I'm actually really impressed by how precisely that strikes to the heart of the major reason my last story sucked. I'll strive to do it justice, Chairchucker! 
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 17:22
|
|
|
Tonsured posted:Your story is incredible. This part, however, is lacking in the same feeling as the rest of the piece. It's all action and no emotion. You could cut it entirely and hard transition to the next part for greater effect. In my humble opinion, of course. The story overall is incredible. I posted a revision in a new thread if you wanna take a look.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 19:31
|
|
|
Chairchucker posted:To celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour, I will be giving the gift of, like, a billion flash rules. Starting with: This is perhaps the greatest rule of all. Merry Christmas and God bless us, everyone.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 19:40
|
|
|
Peel posted:
My crits where based on pretty fast reads too. A lot of stories to cover.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 20:07
|
|
|
toanoradian posted:Flash Fiction Thunderdome - typing "I'm in" feels like being slapped with a wooden dick.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 20:27
|
|
|
congratulations to the rhino, new thunderdome legend keyboard smells like bacon. i'm in.
|
|
#
?
Dec 25, 2012 20:31
|
|
|
So I actually legit have synesthesia (can you tell?  ). Does that mean I have to write a normal story?
|
|
#
?
Dec 26, 2012 02:27
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 27, 2024 10:13 |
|
|
SurreptitiousMuffin posted:So I actually legit have synesthesia (can you tell? I will interpret this as meaning you are in. Hey SurreptitiousMuffin, here is a Christmas gift for you! If you go to: wwwdotelectricsixdotcom/grinchdotzip you will be able to download a Christmas song that some band appear to be offering on their site. Isn't that awfully good of them? It's a very nice song, too. As a flash rule, to make up for the fact that having synesthesia means this prompt (which you appear to have angled towards getting out of doing, cheeky!) might be easier for you, I would like you to capture the creatively insulting tone of the song. That is, someone must deeply criticise someone else, or something else, I dunno you figure it out, but without any unpleasant cussing.
|
|
#
?
Dec 26, 2012 02:45
|
|