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Hadlock posted:I generally hate advice books, especially relationship advice once, but I encourage you to go read the cliff notes for "the five love languages", should be able to Google it. I think the actual book is about $20 This is a good post. I think the love languages are a thing, and it’s a conversation my wife and I had before we got married. Hers is of course acts of service, and mine is...yeah. It’s words of affirmation which is what I suspect your ex’s is. I believe the root of that one is a desire to know that people see you. They may be small things, I’m not totally sure it’s really all about getting the praise for doing things everyone can and should be doing like unloading the dishwasher. Like, recognition you fit in somewhere? I don’t loving know. It’s how I receive love, and I enjoy doing things for my wife because she appreciates the things I do and I get my needs fulfilled by fulfilling hers. It doesn’t solve Kirby’s problems to your point, but it’s a good thing to think about for future marital strife in anyone’s case.
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May 10, 2021 23:33
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Oh yes, we've read magazine explainers of the concept and did a few cosmopolitan quizzes and confirmed we speak different languages. Still need to actually pick up a copy of the book. We speak very different languages through class, culture, upbringing, region, ideals, and drat near everything under the sun. Today she is getting her hair did, tomorrow I will get mine. First grooming session since our son's birth so we look and feel like barbaric cave people. Makes us fight like barbaric cave people reaching for the biggest rock and going smash. Real petty feelings like "You get to scream at me, son gets to scream at you and me, ERGO I get to scream at you for BALANCE" Then wednesday we get on zoom therapy. We reunited the front by wordlessly knowing neither of us wanted to zoom call before our shallow spa and barber days.
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May 10, 2021 23:42
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nwin posted:And just like that-30 minutes of pushing-we’ve got another boy! 8 lb 9 oz which is a far cry from our first who was 5 lb 15 oz. Congrats!!! I'm glad it went relatively speedy. Sending lots of good thoughts to you and your family.
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May 11, 2021 00:50
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John Gottman has numerous books on marriage, and they're all great. He, and his institute, has studied marriage for decades. Our marriage counselor recommended Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work, and they were wonderful resources during some very rough points in our marriage. He had this concept of the four horsemen for relationships (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), and are what leads to a broken marriage, and how to avoid them. Also, he presents this idea that there are three common conflict styles for relationships (validating, volatile, and avoidant) that are all completely valid, and can lead to lasting happiness in a marriage. Conventional wisdom is that only a validating style works, and my wife and I ran in that assumption for the first couple years of our marriage, and struggled. We're very blunt and direct, and realizing that that was okay did wonders for us.
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May 11, 2021 02:23
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DaveSauce posted:Insurance companies are shitbags and are single-handedly loving up the American healthcare system. TBF it's not exactly "single-handedly" when the country has set up a whole system based upon their existence. The uniquely American concept of "the individual is responsible for getting health insurance, except cases where a state may deem them eligible for some charity" is your problem here, not the individual insurance companies. If you see the problem, vote for the solution in your next election. Joey Steel posted:Lol, I realized that my mom got "push presents" for each of us, but it was basically a gift of our bithstones plus a ring that we would give to our future spouses. Mine was a black and white pearl ring we used as an engagement ring. I'll probably be getting my wife some citrine/topaz jewelry at some point that our son can eventually give to a future spouse. Ouch. "Hey here's a gift that you can't use if you decide to stay single. No pressure!"
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May 11, 2021 12:05
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Wow speaking of insurance, came home to a $2000 bill for something back in October called a Fetal Chrmoml Aneuploidy. Luckily my insurance covers everything but I really could do with less things to deal with-not more.
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May 11, 2021 12:08
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Hippie Hedgehog posted:
Lol, never thought of it that way, thanks for that perspective. Might have to reconsider telling them until after we get a "Here's somebody I'd like you to meet" conversation, if we get one. Might've been awkward if either my brother or I ended up gay, since they were sized for women. 
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May 11, 2021 12:36
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So I ended up working late on a project and had the baby monitor on Was kind of weird watching my 6 month old wake up, roll around for 30-45 min. I ended up going in there, wife had left the lights at 4% and the window shades open, so I turned off the lights, lowered the shades, I gave her a feeding, she had about 1/4 a normal feeding, then sort of rolled over and away from me so I let her be as she wasn't making any noise Now, watching her on the camera, she just looks like a bored kid, playing with one of her toys briefly. After about half an hour she finally passed back out but it looks like it's pretty light sleep I guess... I guess this is normal? Better than her crying all night, I guess. I feel bad that she's just laying there in the dark.
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May 11, 2021 13:06
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As an adult I like chilling for 30 minutes until finally falling asleep, i dunno.
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May 11, 2021 15:24
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Daughter isn't old enough to doomscroll to sleep. Soon tho, one day
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May 11, 2021 16:42
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Our daughter turned a month old a few days ago and last night was a rough one. Wife and daughter went to get some sleep at 7:15 because she was drained both literally and figuratively. Kiddo's been eating like crazy lately, which probably stands to reason when her 1 month appointment said she was 93rd or higher percentile in length, height, and crown size. She's a big ol' kid. at 8:15 I get a text that simply reads "your turn". Kiddo wasn't screaming or anything, just was clearly not sleeping. I take her into the living room to walk her around a bit, give some cuddles. Not doing much. Give her some back and tummy time which helps for a bit, but she's clearly getting fussy. I snag one of those 2oz shots of formula and put a nipple on it. She's not having it. Pacifier? Gets spat right back at me a few times. I burp her for a bit, nothing. Check her diaper, she's fine. Try formula again, no dice. Now she's screaming and bopping her head against my chest. OK kid, I get it. I pull a bottle of pumped milk from the fridge and warm it up. Attach the nipple and weirdo straw/flow thing. Nothing doing. Now she's furious. I am doing my absolute damndest to give her any kind of comfort I can. I'm the idiot trying to reason with a 1 month-old that mom needs sleep and you're totally OK I promise, please. In that instance I am extremely glad I remember every one of those birth classes telling me that at some point the kid just needs to be put in a crib or something and to just walk away for a couple minutes and get a breath of air, because holy poo poo I am a patient guy and don't get pissed off too often but man it is wild how quickly that can get you ramped up. Eventually at 10PM we come back in the bedroom and I tell the wife I'm sorry but I have tried literally everything I can and there's exactly one thing she wants. Kid takes 10 minutes on each boob. She conks out. Mom conks out. I lay there feeling horrible then eventually conk out, worried that it's going to be a miserable night of her waking up like every hour or something. This morning I get up and turns out she slept great! First for 4 hours, then 3.  E: In the big picture, we've only had 2, maybe 3 brutal nights since she was born so all things considered, it could (and could yet still be) be far worse.
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May 11, 2021 19:26
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Aww I kind of miss that cute little head bopping thing tiny babies do.
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May 11, 2021 21:29
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remigious posted:Aww I kind of miss that cute little head bopping thing tiny babies do. I know right. My dude used to headbang on mom's shoulder like a lil chicken looking for boob. Now he just yells at her to lower him and squirms down, far less cute. Related:  So far lil dude has gone full face leach on mom twice.
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May 11, 2021 22:24
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Our 3wk old does all of that to me and gets mad whenever I’m not Mom. “Whenever” here means “I’m not ever Mom” and that infuriates her. Also she hates having her hands and arms put into long sleeves. She will be chill for an entire diaper change and flip the gently caress out if it’s long sleeve onesie time. But yeah it’s insane—she will eat 15 minutes on both of my wife’s boobs and my wife will ask if I wanna hold her, then I get her and I’m all happy and stuff because BABBY YAY! and then she is pecking at my chest and trying to eat my arm or anything near her mouth
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May 11, 2021 23:28
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my brain did help me forget how intensely draining breastfeeding was at the beginning and goddamn it’s hitting me like a truck with my 8wk old. Like, my supply is fine it’s just so constant and hey maybe it would be cool if this cute baby would want to spend time with someone other than mama.
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May 12, 2021 01:46
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My wife found a new baby hack this week. Super convenient. If we give the baby a pouch in the stroller on his walks he will feed it to himself as we walk. Unlike giving him a pouch inside where he will squirt it out and throw it all over the walls.
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May 12, 2021 02:14
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KirbyKhan posted:
This is amazing lmao
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May 12, 2021 02:22
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L0cke17 posted:My wife found a new baby hack this week. Super convenient. Our baby is the exact same. There's all kinds of poo poo she eats in the stroller that she won't touch at home. Stroller meals have definitely become a thing over the last month.
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May 12, 2021 02:30
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nachos posted:Our baby is the exact same. There's all kinds of poo poo she eats in the stroller that she won't touch at home. Stroller meals have definitely become a thing over the last month. Before the pandemic my kids usually only ate deli meat while riding around the grocery store.
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May 12, 2021 02:42
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Well our kids got officially diagnosed with the A, D, H and D last night. We kinda saw it coming though. So far it changes nothing, they start school next year, smaller class, each will get an individual assistant. Followup meeting to see how well that is working in autumn after they've been in school for a couple months. No talk of medication yet.
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May 12, 2021 12:50
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His Divine Shadow posted:Well our kids got officially diagnosed with the A, D, H and D last night. We kinda saw it coming though. So far it changes nothing, they start school next year, smaller class, each will get an individual assistant. I contacted my 8 year old's pediatrician about getting him screened for ADHD. My husband was diagnosed with it as a kid, but his parents never did anything with the diagnosis. My brother was also diagnosed with it as a kid and I admit my view is tainted by my interactions with him during my childhood. I don't think my mom dealt with the situation very well. My dad was also diagnosed with it as an adult. We've been sort of holding out to see if he would grow out of things, but he's not. He's already in therapy to help him with his emotions. Some other issues that he's not growing out of are starting to affect him in school and his personal life.
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May 12, 2021 13:27
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I was diagnosed with it as a kid. I didn’t have the “H” part though I think back then it was just ADD anyway, and it’s all the same now or something but I got put on meds, first Ritalin then Aderall. I feel fairly sure you don’t simply grow out of it because I’ve never felt like I did, and I remember hearing or reading somewhere it’s a neurodivergent thing? Which was news to me but anyway. I had trouble in school but only after my parents divorced, nothing held my attention after that. But I’m still fairly well-adjusted so ADHD can be challenging but not terrible
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May 12, 2021 13:47
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For us it was more "Maybe its not ADHD, maybe it's just his age." Now that he's 8 it starting to appear its not a maturity thing.
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May 12, 2021 13:51
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Alterian posted:For us it was more "Maybe its not ADHD, maybe it's just his age." Now that he's 8 it starting to appear its not a maturity thing. This was us too but he was 5 when we got serious about his behavior. It’s a process. After his diagnosis, we tried charts and rewards and all the stuff. It sorta worked for a bit. We’ve ended up, reluctantly, going the medication route. He’s on the mildest dosage possible and it really seems to help without changing his personality (though that came with some trial and error on what to prescribe).
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May 12, 2021 14:50
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5 was when #2 was born so it was a little of "maybe he just wants attention?" too. One of the other biggest things is seeing how different the behavior of #2 was in comparison of #1. I know every kid is different, but its a vast difference. I didn't realize that toddlers do actually like to look at books and can sit and quietly look at them by choice and not just hurl them around the room and rip them up.
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May 12, 2021 15:04
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life is killing me posted:God I hope I get a job at Lockheed because I’ve heard good things about the health insurance benefits offered there. UHC is poo poo. I’m a current LM employee and I have some bad news for you. The insurance is only good if you are in one of the major offices. Dallas and Orlando are probably ok, but satellite offices have fairly poo poo insurance. I’m on my partner’s insurance. Hospital network insurance is the way to go. Just had hernia surgery, $0 out of pocket. Paid nothing out of pocket of either kid.
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May 12, 2021 15:34
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Dobbs_Head posted:I’m a current LM employee and I have some bad news for you. The insurance is only good if you are in one of the major offices. Dallas and Orlando are probably ok, but satellite offices have fairly poo poo insurance. I’m in North Texas and with my skills I’d be working at or near the flight line or on the assembly floor. So the military base basically But I need an A&P first probably, or my potential income has a ceiling and so does any potential promotion opportunity
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May 12, 2021 15:44
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life is killing me posted:I was diagnosed with it as a kid. I didn’t have the “H” part though I think back then it was just ADD anyway, and it’s all the same now or something but I got put on meds, first Ritalin then Aderall. I feel fairly sure you don’t simply grow out of it because I’ve never felt like I did, and I remember hearing or reading somewhere it’s a neurodivergent thing? Which was news to me but anyway. Sup fellow ADD buddy. I was diagnosed with it as a kid as well and I can safely say that it's not something you grow out of. I've learned various coping mechanisms (my crippling addiction to coffee came about because i self-medicated with it) but it's like thinking someone will grow out of being autistic. The brain's just wired differently. On a mildly related note my wife's legit worried that our daughter might be picking up parts of her birth father's malignant narcicissm. She has her moments yeah but she's also like 5yo and I assume a goodly part of her attempts at manipulation and playing both sides are just normal for her age.
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May 12, 2021 16:36
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citybeatnik posted:Sup fellow ADD buddy. I was diagnosed with it as a kid as well and I can safely say that it's not something you grow out of. I've learned various coping mechanisms (my crippling addiction to coffee came about because i self-medicated with it) but it's like thinking someone will grow out of being autistic. The brain's just wired differently. Yeah I had no idea until the past couple of weeks that ADD was considered neurodivergent. I’m thinking back in the early 90s it wasn’t under that umbrella and now is, but yes I do believe we learn to cope and just live with it, especially when unmedicated as I have been for decades. I briefly went back on Aderall a couple years ago and it was just...too much. I thought about asking the doc if I could try XR but I didn’t feel like going through drug screens every loving year like I’m some criminal because it’s speed citybeatnik posted:On a mildly related note my wife's legit worried that our daughter might be picking up parts of her birth father's malignant narcicissm. She has her moments yeah but she's also like 5yo and I assume a goodly part of her attempts at manipulation and playing both sides are just normal for her age. I would say kids are just naturally narcissists in general due to their underdeveloped brains and lack of emotional intelligence; kids are selfish, it’s not their fault of course.
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May 12, 2021 17:32
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I'm on a relatively low dose of Adderall on top of my other stuff which has kind of helped. I know my oldest nephew was diagnosed with it and i kind of figure my toddler will have it as well. So it goes. And yeah that's what i figured with my stepdaughter. She's just developed a mean streak at times and is pushing more boundaries. We're under a lot of stress (same as every other parent) and are worried about rear end in a top hat taking the entire month of July again so my wife's especially anxious.
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May 12, 2021 17:36
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It's such a relief when a 1 month old baby is fed, has a clean diaper and is asleep for a while without grunting or fussing 
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May 12, 2021 18:34
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Ehud posted:It's such a relief when a 1 month old baby is fed, has a clean diaper and is asleep for a while without grunting or fussing Absolutely. I love my baby very much and love being with him but holy hell is it nice when he naps.
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May 12, 2021 19:05
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My favorite time of day is the thin strip of time after the baby is asleep but before we go to bed when my wife and I can pretend she doesn't exist. She thinks it's wrong to feel this way (she feels this way also), and I tell her that's bullshit.
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May 12, 2021 20:28
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Someone please reassure me it’s not going to set back out sleep training efforts before we ever begin them: 3.5wk old was extra fussy today, and when it was time to put our 3yr old to bed we got desperate and put her in her glider to rock so we could have some extra hands. Technically, I don’t think she’s old enough to even be sleep trained yet because she still eats every 3-4 hours but I’m irrationally worried we are already teaching her to expect rocking in order to go to sleep. She’s been in the glider like four times ever because we only put her in there when we are desperate for her to go to sleep (if she’s awake she’s hungry and mad and I don’t get to hold her because I can’t feed her yet).
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May 13, 2021 03:41
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You don't have to worry about creating sleep crutches in a newborn. Just do what you need to do to get everyone enough sleep for the first few months and then regroup after that.
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May 13, 2021 03:51
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life is killing me posted:Someone please reassure me it’s not going to set back out sleep training efforts before we ever begin them: 3.5wk old was extra fussy today, and when it was time to put our 3yr old to bed we got desperate and put her in her glider to rock so we could have some extra hands. Our baby co-slept until sleep training began at the 5 month mark. She had to be rocked and shushed for 30-60 minutes and literally slept on our chests day and night after the 4 month regression. As soon as I put her on the bed, she’d wake up crying. Not only was it unsafe from a SIDS perspective but it was loving miserable. We could get nothing done and I couldn’t even go to the bathroom at night because I didn’t want to wake her up. Basically we had the worst habits imaginable for the first 5 months of her life. On day 3 of sleep training she slept 12 hours uninterrupted at night. You’ll be fine. It’s all survival mode for the first few months.
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May 13, 2021 03:57
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Don’t worry about the glider. My daughter slept in a rock and play for the first few months (even though they’re banned now I still think it’s one of the best things ever and I will be using it for the new baby). We had no issues getting her into a crib. The most important thing for her to get to sleep was the boob, motion didn’t matter. Do what keeps you sane. In cheating husbands news, he’s flipping between being apologetic and being kind of rude and blaming me for the situation he’s in. He’s going to get therapy, so we will see if that makes any kind of difference. Tomorrow night I start my last stretch of work before I’m off for maternity leave. I have a few friend dates lined up for next week, and the support has continued to be amazing from friends this week. I haven’t been alone at all except for bed time. I’m so exhausted.
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May 13, 2021 04:01
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Thanks all. She just was constipated today and wouldn’t settle all day. nachos posted:Our baby co-slept until sleep training began at the 5 month mark. She had to be rocked and shushed for 30-60 minutes and literally slept on our chests day and night after the 4 month regression. As soon as I put her on the bed, she’d wake up crying. Not only was it unsafe from a SIDS perspective but it was loving miserable. We could get nothing done and I couldn’t even go to the bathroom at night because I didn’t want to wake her up. Basically we had the worst habits imaginable for the first 5 months of her life. On day 3 of sleep training she slept 12 hours uninterrupted at night. You’ll be fine. It’s all survival mode for the first few months. With our first it was like that. We didn’t co-sleep but we bounced and rocked him endlessly (seemingly). He’d wake up immediately when we put him in his crib and even at 2yo we couldn’t leave the room before he was asleep because he’d lose his poo poo. The 4mo regression was agonizing and it started the week my wife went back to work. We tiptoed around him during naptime and at night and he’s still a poo poo sleeper because we tried later on to sleep train him and he gave us the finger basically. We are determined to not repeat this with the second and I’m on edge about everything we do that could crutch her. My new dad brain did its biological job by making me forget a lot of the really bad stuff from our first, so now some of it has come back and the other parts haven’t. Koivunen posted:Don’t worry about the glider. My daughter slept in a rock and play for the first few months (even though they’re banned now I still think it’s one of the best things ever and I will be using it for the new baby). We had no issues getting her into a crib. The most important thing for her to get to sleep was the boob, motion didn’t matter. Do what keeps you sane. Our first had no issues in crib, but see above. It was a nightmare we don’t wanna repeat. As to cheating spouse: blaming you for his situation is extra lovely and I hope he feels all the guilt eating at him so he has a hard time enjoying this new relationship he so desperately wants. God that sucks, I’m sorry.
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May 13, 2021 04:21
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Day 1 at home: Man I forgot how much I loving hate cluster feeding. I’m trying to help my wife out as much as I can (which is nothing because I can just grab her stuff or take the kid for a bit), but then I’m also hoping my older son doesn’t wake up and then I think about how I’ll be keeping him busy all day while my wife tries to keep pumping and feeding the newborn. Earlier today I thought id go to the grocery store this weekend and cook pizzas. Lolololololol
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May 13, 2021 04:28
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The swing was the only way to get our baby to daytime nap for more than 10 minutes for a stretch between about 6wks-12wks, possibly longer. One of us would watch him like a hawk while the other tried to get a nap or just some mental downtime. It sucked, but the alternative of fighting for 30 minutes to get a 10 minute catnap was so much worse. It didn't seem to have any effect on nighttime sleep since he always went down very easy into his bassinet/crib with no rocking and slept just fine overnight, and once he got through the fourth trimester he was able to self sooth to the point that he was able to nap in the crib no problem. Once the sleep regression hit sleep training was easy peasy done in maybe three nights, none of which had us up doing progressive waiting for more than an hour or two. Bless that swing, I wanted to give it a Viking funeral but it was still in working order and someone on our neighborhood buy nothing group had a swing break and needed a replacement ASAP.
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May 13, 2021 04:30
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