Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

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Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Godholio posted:

That's jrotc. CAP actually does some cool poo poo (but does cross into the jrotc side of things at the same time).

Edit: Yeah very few ribbons actually cross over. Mostly only if they're earned in support of a unit that gets recognized with a ribbon, or some kind of lifesaving event.

My older brother got a 30K scholarship from CAP for hitting Cadet Colonel and running a half dozen search and rescue operations from the communications trailers. I got a blow job in the back of the JROTC room once and smoked about a bunch of weed at their air rifle range during highschool.

Really thats also the best summation of how different we really are

# ¿ Dec 4, 2012 14:51

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# ¿ Apr 29, 2024 15:35

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Dr. Tough posted:

I used to work for a county government in Arizona. One day the police dropped off a new report. The night before, some kids had been throwing water balloons at passing cars. Well somehow or another they managed to smash some poor family's car window with one and got arrested for criminal damage and assault. Well it turns out that they had both just graduated high school and one of them was going to go to the US Naval Academy in the fall. Not anymore!

Cochise County?

# ¿ Dec 14, 2012 19:28

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

calmasahinducow posted:

I am most confused about this part of the story. That's not how it works.

Its not unheard of. They popped 1LT on my brother on his last day at TBS

# ¿ Dec 25, 2012 00:12

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

I've posted this story here before but I figure it's funny enough to deserve a second go.

A few years ago a friend of mine who is a co-owner of a franchise for a tax preparation agency near Ft. Huachuca asked me to help him load some equipment in to the trailer that AAFEs was allowing him to set up in front of the PX as an office for tax season. We get his pick up and U-Haul trailer loaded with some PCs, printers and a desk and take it in.

The East gate shares a road with the AZ state bypass for 2 highways to link up, speed limit is a very reasonable 55 mph, it's a 5 lane road that had just been resurfaced on the far lanes only, nothing huge, just a noticeable difference in surfaces due to the somewhat loose gravel. As we're driving on the bypass to get in through the gate, we get behind some rear end in a top hat in a red Jeep Cherokee doing about 35mph while we're still atleast 3/4ths of a mile out from the gate itself.

My buddy literally says "gently caress this rear end in a top hat" and just slams on the gas and drives around this moron going 20 under the limit and pops back in front of him by about a single car length, throwing the looser gravel up behind us as an incidental.

This guy starts laying on his horn, waving out of his window, looks like he's trying to tailgate a bit, whatever, at least his sorry rear end is up to the speed limit now. We finally get past he last light and on to the bit of road right in front of the guardhouse by the gate and the guy pulls in to the shoulder, passes us, stops in front of us at the gate and demands the MPs arrest my buddy for "Endangerment." Turns out the guy is a loving general driving in to work.

The MPs try to tell him that they can't do poo poo to us for anything that happened outside of their jurisdiction (ie the post) but he's just screaming and getting super mad the whole time. Also demands they deny us entry. He marches, I mean like loving goose-stepping marches up to my buddy and starts saying he's gonna gently caress his career etc, before my friend tells him he's a civilian who doesn't even work for a contractor. He's hearing none of it, still very mad.

Then I look at this rear end in a top hat's name tape and a smile breaks out across my face that must have looked like that smile the Grinch got before he robbed those hippy goddam Who's blind. His name is Custer. He is in fact, General Custer. I'm a civilian now, not a Marine, not IRR, not even beholden to a government contractor. So I look this guy square in the goddamed eye and say these words that still feel me with a certain warmth when I remember them.

"You'd think the Army would have learned their lesson about promoting dude's named Custer after the last guy"

He lets out a primal yowl as he proceeds to try and drill a hole through me with telekinesis or some poo poo as he lunges toward me like a DI. He is then physically restrained by this poor bastard E-4 MP as they try to get him in the office to calm him down. The other MP just looking at me like he wants to either high five me or slap me. Once they got my man Custer away from us the MP says "You guys can drive through." then looks at me, smiles and says "Thanks"

# ¿ Dec 26, 2012 17:40

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

vacation in kabul posted:

and as he trots up to meet him and get dressed down the SGM notices he has pin-on E-5 rank (everything was supposed to sewed) that he had drawn a rocker under with a permanent marker. The asschewing was epic and hilarious.

That's not the real point of the story though. That guy got a perfect NCOER following all of this poo poo and was recently promoted to E-7. gently caress you Army.

I can't stop laughing like an idiot at this

# ¿ Dec 28, 2012 22:37

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Blackchamber posted:

Christ...

My brother (Marine pilot) said he could pick out an NFO out of any line up by finding the guy with the comforting smile and a blank stare. He might be on to something

# ¿ Jan 30, 2013 02:59

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Stultus Maximus posted:

I suspect they do it to gently caress with the Navy officers.

Yeah, we used to do it to gently caress with AF officers at Edwards.

# ¿ Feb 5, 2013 18:49

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

LEGIT WAR CRIMINAL posted:

HEY HIGHSPEED/SHIPMATE/DEBBADAWG!!!!

Does the air force even have anything?

"Warrior"

# ¿ Feb 6, 2013 01:33

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Gotta make air quotes for it to work

# ¿ Feb 6, 2013 01:33

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Josh I knew who was an MP would straight hit on dudes wives when he would pull them over ended up loving himself pretty hard when a Captain's wife bit and he gave her some undisclosed VD

# ¿ Feb 27, 2013 15:29

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Scratch Monkey posted:

What do they do to a guy who tries to blow off his CO and walk out?

Remove all traces of lube from the long hard member JAG is going to use to realign his colon

# ¿ Mar 7, 2013 14:59

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

LEGIT WAR CRIMINAL posted:

ask me how I know

Ok, how?

# ¿ Mar 7, 2013 17:54

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

HATE CURES TRANNYS posted:

Years ago when the military was still desperate for people anything besides honorable discharges were rare. I knew a guy who pissed hot like 3 times, then got caught selling in the barracks, and got an HONORABLE discharge.

I was hoping for a fun idiot story

# ¿ Mar 7, 2013 18:09

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Beria posted:

From American Military University! Or Excelsior!

Has anyone ever met anyone who earned a degree from a real school while active duty?

I know some officers who got their Masters from Georgetown and University of Pennsylvania while they were in

# ¿ Apr 1, 2013 00:04

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Frosted Flake posted:

I have a really good ANP story I heard from someone in my battery:

The ANP comes across a large truck parked on a road beside a bunch of trees, and suspect that it's an IED.
ANP requests American engineering assets but things are busy that day so the Americans say it will be about 8 hours.
A little while later, the ANP is panicky calling for MEDEVAC for a priority 1 and an 1A.

Turns out that the ANP commander got tired of waiting for EoD, so he got some private to shoot an RPG at the truck.
The first round bounces off the hood, arcs high and hits a tree, killing a suicide bomber who had been hiding up there.
The ANP commander is spooked now, so he insists on the private getting closer to get a better shot.
Private shoots at close range, hits the truck square on the IED and there's a massive explosion.
The private is obviously pretty hosed up but a fragment also caught the ANP commander right in the neck.

There was also the time the battery was doing a nighttime mortar range during a pretty quiet week.
Battery is doing their drills for night firing, and fire a few rounds before "stop stop stop" comes over the radio.
Turns out that a Taliban platoon minus was trying to attack through the range that night and got caught in the open.

It's like Afghanistan is being run by the spirit of Chuck Avery and I loving love it

# ¿ Apr 8, 2013 17:05

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

A Greek Letter posted:

Keeping up the poo poo story theme:
As prologue I don't know how common these are elsewhere, but the army issued winter-coat here is a kind of one-piece padded coverall (Like these). In order to take your pants off while wearing one, you have to unzip the front, remove your arms and then shimmy it down your legs and step out of the whole thing.

We were out on the field one winter night all wrapped up in those when one guy had to take a dump. He walked a few meters off and got to work. As he was coming back, we could see him zipping up, and by the time he got to us, all he had left was to put the hood back up... Which he did with a pretty satisfying squelch. It took us all a second or two to realize that hoods don't normally squelch, and he figured what happened the moment something dripped down to his face. He started flailing around trying to get his coat and gear off while everyone else were as close as I've ever seen to choking with laughter (This was less funny later when it dawned on us that he wouldn't be showering for a few hours, and that we're stuck with him and his coat). Apparently he only rolled the coat down to his ankles, and then failed to move the hood from behind him while making GBS threads.

In retrospect, it's a real shame that "shithead" isn't really a common swear here .

Holy poo poo I am busting up like an idiot at work trying to read this post aloud

# ¿ Apr 30, 2013 16:25

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

EVA BRAUN BLOWJOBS posted:

At $3-5 per round. Thanks, taxpayers!

If the Army is anything like the Marines, chances are the .50 ammo was old as gently caress and you were just saving some poor jackass from having to rely on it in about 10+ years

# ¿ May 2, 2013 18:08

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Baloogan posted:

oh woah he is almost normal height for a man in this photo

Almost. Also, when you have dark nipples, don;t wear a sheer white shirt without a loving undershirt you jackass

# ¿ May 3, 2013 03:34

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Mike-o posted:

What the hell is W&W and GLITBL?

Dunno bout the first. But the second is Gay & Lesbian In The Butt LOL

# ¿ May 3, 2013 03:46

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

HATE CURES TRANNYS posted:

Talking with some kool dudes last night reminded me of a fantastic story of idiocy.

My first time in Afghanistan our hooch was next to a really rowdy group of guys. Often times they would go out on missions and bring back souvenirs, old pistols, clothes, stuff like that. Well one day they brought back a monkey. They wanted to teach it to smoke and dip and be like movie monkey I guess. It was kind of mean but cool for a few days. Well some stuff comes up and they had to go out on a mission for a few days and we were busy sitting in our launchers farting and goofing off for about the same.

So everything quiets down and we get back to our hooches. They go into theirs and it's a god damned disaster. This monkey freaked the gently caress out since they locked the poor thing in the hooch. It poo poo on and in EVERYTHING! Pillows, beds, the floor, in the fridge, in bags, loving everything. It chewed up wires and smashed their TVs and game systems, tore up photos and ate all their snacks. It ripped open cases of water, gatorade, and protein powder making this impossible to clean up slurry. We think it also got into their go fast workout stuff (Noxplode, Jack3d and the like) with either set off it's rampage or gave it the motivation to keep on destroying.

They decide the monkey has to go and the next day take it and drop it off a few miles from the FOB. A couple days go back and Monkey found his way back to the FOB. Monkey was mad as a mother fucker and started attacking people. Where does the idiot part come in? One guy tried to kill the monkey, and I can't blame him since it was a violent little fucker and probably had rabies. He missed his first shot and blasted his buddy in the leg. The guys leg was so jacked up he had to get airlifted to Germany and lost his foot.

This is the single greatest thing I have ever read on the internet next to that Cash4Gold cease and desist letter

# ¿ May 4, 2013 00:34

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

FIDEL CASHFLOW posted:

They're not pyramid-shaped charts, they're triangle, there's a difference.

Yeah, a pyramid is way more stable

# ¿ May 13, 2013 15:00

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Your dad is peak-GiP, N4I. I hope you got him a penis book for father's day

# ¿ Jun 10, 2013 14:51

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Veins McGee posted:

You could make a DND drinking game out of any thread there.

Drink for every mention of:
privilege
imperialism
patriarchy
socialism
capital/ism

Posting as a ghost

5 posts in I was dead of alcohol poisoning and haunting tumblr

# ¿ Jun 29, 2013 21:29

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Veins McGee posted:

There's the answer to your question.

Yeah, Carrier on PBS was the closest to showing "Some people are just gently caress ups" and it still held shy of pointing it out in so many words

# ¿ Sep 16, 2013 04:21

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

The Flipperbaby posted:

Holy poo poo, I had dinner with that guy several times. He's kind of a family friend.

If he's still in tell him to learn his own MP's jurisdiction

# ¿ Sep 26, 2013 15:35

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Peace time Army sounds a lot like war time Marines

# ¿ Oct 22, 2013 20:24

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

All USAF O-6+'s should be forced in to homelessness and castrated to prevent them from spreading their terrible ways elsewhere. Society is usually a tremendous gently caress up but I think it knocked it out of the park on this one.

# ¿ Jan 9, 2014 16:10

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Wasabi the J posted:

Or maybe he's living the bachelor dream and just milking it for more donations. Like an O6 version of "Homeless Vet Pls Halp" sign, while he's getting a 40k pension which he uses on booze and cheap dates.

If thats the case I'll actually respect him

# ¿ Jan 9, 2014 19:30

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Mr. Nice! posted:

I don't know. I think the swastikat is hilarious.

Same. I just like that a human adult got so mad he felt his only recourse was drawing a 70 year old political symbol on another man's household pet

# ¿ Jan 29, 2014 19:55

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

My experience has been Chick Captains and Majors (regardless of gender/race/etc) who wear glasses are always the worse

# ¿ Feb 3, 2014 16:17

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Casimir Radon posted:

The DOD has posters of all kinds of nasty poo poo that can happen to your eyes with unclean contacts.

Yeah, modern safety poo poo sucks compared to the poo poo they had in the 70s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qW3AJ9xPSWE

# ¿ Feb 3, 2014 20:51

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

I figure I should share a story my dad told me about idiot contractors. Not sure If I've told it on here before, but since he just told it again the other night when we were talking to him, I'll go ahead and tell it again because it's a good story.

When my dad first made E-8 they moved him out of the Army Space Program Office and to a DISA project clearing the handing over of training assets like flight simulators and MILES gear to US allies. In all it was a pretty sweet gig because he'd get to fly all over the world and chill out for a few weeks in places like Belgium, Italy, and Australia while making sure what had been handed over by US contractors was satisfactory from both an operational and security standpoint. It's probably the main reason he was hired by a 3-letter within 48 hours of retiring from the Army.

He ended up making friends with a bunch of Australian helicopter pilots due to his frequent trips to their base when they were getting upgraded Kiowa simulators. The contractor for the sims was one my dad hated working with though, because they half-assed every thing they touched, meaning he'd spend months sending them notes CC'd to DISA's chief which always led to a poo poo storm that was worse for him than the people who weren't doing their jobs. The Kiowa sims started off really lovely though, because the company making them just directly imported the software for USMC Mid 80's AH-1 Cobra simulators and just made it work in a faux Kiowa cockpit. Which really didn't work for a lot of reasons. 1) Australia didn't really need to train pilots in 1994 on the proper way to close the Fulda Gap and 2) the Kiowa and the Cobra don't handle anywhere near the same

So they (contractors)go in and after months of arguing with both DISA and the Australian pilots that a simulator that doesn't simulate the right thing is worthless finally make some of the needed updates. They fixed the handling characteristics (by hiring two engineers from Bell who designed the sim the US Army uses) and changing Central Germany to Australia by making the ground brown instead of green and throwing Ayers Rock where some of the German Alps had been. And just to be cute, they replaced random Soviet soldiers that would flee when they spotted the helicopter to Kangaroos just as an added "gently caress you, here's some added realism" poo poo.

The Australian pilots are pretty happy with the changes and spend the first few minutes flying from one side of their base to the other, attempting loops and all other manner of loving around. Then the Aussie lead pilot decides to fly out to Ayers Rock since one of the contractors had mentioned it. As he's flying out to it, he see's some movement on the ground and changes course to check it out. His copilot confirms its a pack of kangaroos so dude figures "gently caress it, lets buzz some kangaroos"

He drops down to 10 feet above the ground and flies over them as fast as he can while the Kangaroos scatter. Then as he pulls up, he realizes he has lost control of his tail rotor and his panels are lighting up like a Christmas tree. Dude tries to put it down gentle, but then gets informed he's been hit by heavy machine gun fire and the sim freezes. Everyone is dumbfounded by this.

Then one of the sim techs has a revelation, they had been shot down by the Kangaroos. After they buzzed them, one of the kangaroos fled to cover, then fired a shoulder launched SAM at them, hitting the tail rotor, while he tried to recover, some other kangaroos set up a 13.7mm gun and shot him up. Because the coders had only changed the graphics of the Soviet soldiers to Kangaroos and nothing else, meaning they still had a full platoon's worth of Soviet anti-helicopter weapons.

So if anything, it proved that everything in the Australian outback is designed to gently caress poo poo up.

# ¿ Apr 29, 2014 16:23

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Smiling Jack posted:

I think I first heard that kangaroo story in a comp sci class back in the mid ' 90s, except it was beach balls, not actual weaponry the Roos fired at the helicopter.

Edit: yep. Must have heard it after university, memory is a funny thing.

http://www.snopes.com/humor/nonsense/kangaroo.asp

That's awesome, sending it to my dad now

# ¿ May 7, 2014 00:31

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Stultus Maximus posted:

House payments.

Saving up for kids' college is another one.

# ¿ Jun 5, 2014 03:53

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Derek Dominoe posted:

All of the above.

Mortgage, kids' college funds, etc. and that I don't care what I drive to work at 5am as long as it gets there and can haul my bike and camping gear when the opportunity arises.

I pulled into my last base's Security Forces office for an outprocessing item and the lot was full of Mustangs, Camaros, Chargers, Corvettes, etc. Drive back to the hospital and the physician-only spaces are just beaters with the odd Porsche or Mercedes that belong to old docs with grown kids who have paid off their giant houses.

Unless cars are your thing--i.e., restoring, fixing, racing, etc. is what consumes your free time and makes you happy--there is no reason to buy a high-end car.

When my brother was an officer he was the only pilot in Kingsville showing up in a lovely older car (84 Firebird he had in High School), everyone else had classic Jeeps and newer Mustangs. His reasoning was "I get to fly something cool, who cares what the gently caress I drive to get there"

Now he very rarely flies anything he's looking at buying a vintage Aston off some crazy old gently caress in Phoenix

# ¿ Jun 5, 2014 14:31

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

I know a two people who fixed their credit with sub-prime car loans. Apparently getting one and having the ability to pay it back on time is the fastest way to get from a low to mid 500 credit score to a high 600s. Though I'm sure that's never been why a single E-3 has ever gotten one

# ¿ Jun 6, 2014 15:40

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

ZappDash posted:

Every rollover in Iraq would like a word with you on that.

poo poo, I was fuckin POG-y bear and I know this poo poo isn't uncommon by any means stateside. Everytrip to Irwin almost always ends with the motor pool trying to piece a few back together after someone guns its through a trail and in to a ditch

# ¿ Jun 12, 2014 17:11

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

How were you too fat for the Air Force in wartime?

# ¿ Jun 12, 2014 19:47

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Otisburg posted:

It was peacetime. Point of fact I had my final outprocessing appointment Tuesday Sept 11, 2001.

(It ended up postponed.)

Oh, I getcha, dude.

# ¿ Jun 12, 2014 19:51

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# ¿ Apr 29, 2024 15:35

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Bolow posted:

I feel like all of 50FA stories are well told bullshit but there's a tiny part of me that knows it's still pretty feasible knowing how goddamn retarded the military is and the complete loving lunacy that was the cold war military

Plus dude's a pretty great story teller

# ¿ Jul 1, 2014 16:08

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

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