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With permission given, I thought it might be nice to have a thread for people who want to adopt, have given up a kid or have adopted to chat about all the hoops they jumped through to give a kid a home (or get a kid into a home). Foster parents are totally welcome here too, since fostering and adopting tend to deal with some of the same civil service agencies, laws and red tape. I'm no know-it-all on this subject, but I've been studying for a while and I have family that foster. If you have a different opinion or different experience or have heard different terms for things, I'm happy to add your information to the OP too if you want it in there. I want to adopt a (white, perfectly healthy) baby! Then you want a private adoption or potentially an overseas adoption from another country. Wait lists for healthy, white infants from a lot of agencies take a while in a lot of instances. If you adopt a kid over x years old, it'll slit your throat in your sleep! So could a kid you birth, a kid you adopt as an infant or a kid sleeping over. Any kid can do something terrible. Is the likelihood greater with a kid from the foster system? Probably not. Most kids in foster care situations have a good documented history by their case worker as to what's happened to them. If you aren't up for dealing with it that's fine. But a case worker could lie to you! They could. Or they could do a poo poo job in taking care of the kid's history and general well-being and information. From my experience, most of them don't. It costs a lot of money. This depends on the state and what your job has to say about it. Specifically, since my husband's in the military, if we want to adopt a kid privately we'd get funding to help us along if we applied for it. If we want to adopt a kid via foster care, we'd probably have it paid for. There are other jobs that help people out with adoption costs, too. Private adoptions are, in general, the most expensive adoptions out there and the ones you hear in the five+ digits. That isn't to say every private adoption is expensive though. What about the kid's birth parents? Kids with parental rights terminated (aka "free for adoption") won't have any contact with their parents, though they might with other family members. You may or may not have information on the kid's birth parents. If you have a closed adoption, it's very unlikely the birth parents will ever be in the picture again and that most likely goes for the rest of their family. What's the difference between an open adoption and a closed adoption? This varies a little depending on states, but generally it's the difference between the birth parents (and their families) being involved in the kid's life, and all of them being cut completely out (usually due to legal reasons, but not always). With babies it's not as big of a deal until they're older, but with kids who are involved in closed adoptions out of foster care situations it can be a lot rougher and come with some abandonment feelings, or worse. I want to adopt 1 kid out of this sibling group! Talk to their case worker about it. In days long passed, sibling groups were frequently split up without a blink of an eye. These days, it's a lot harder to get one or two kids out of a larger sibling group. The general opinion is that the kids are better off together or split into clumps amongst foster care/homes instead of cut into ones and twos. They may or may not be willing to split families up. If they aren't, maybe it's not meant to be. I want a red haired kid with blue eyes and freckles that weighs 24 pounds and- You want a specific kind of kid? That's great that you know who you're looking for. You might be in for as long of a wait as the couple looking for a white, healthy newborn. That said, most agencies and departments have plenty of checkboxes for you to fill in and your home study will tell them a lot about you too. What the gently caress is a home study? https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_homstu.cfm puts it in better words than I ever could. Home studies are pretty intense for people who are intending to adopt. They're one of the biggest steps. I'm an atheist/hindu/buddhist/pagan/non-christian. Do I have a chance in hell of adopting a kid? Yep! Religion (or lack there of) is usually a part of your home study. Don't expect christian-based agencies to play nice with non-christians though. Some do, and that's wonderful. There's others that may not, and even more that won't adopt outside of their specific denomination of christianity. If they say no, take it gracefully and go look elsewhere. There's tons of kids out there that need a home. I'm gay and- Look into your state laws. Most likely, if your state allows gay marriage they probably allow gay adoption too, but I'm not an encyclopedia on it. There's forward motion in this area, but it's different everywhere. Okay, I've got my poo poo in order and I want to adopt a kid! And this is where the title comes from. There's plenty of US-based online databases of kids that are up for adoption in all 50 states, though you'd have to go to them. Some are free for adoption, some aren't. Some are perfectly fine, others will need care all their lives. http://adoptuskids.org/ is a pretty heavily used site, complete with contacts for the people caring for the kids listed if you're actually ready to adopt right now. Resources http://adoptuskids.org/ https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adoptive/ http://www.adoption.com/ http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/Adoption_Partners/Helpful_Resources/websites.asp (this one links from texas but it's good for all states)
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Oct 8, 2013 20:47
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Good idea for a thread. Lots of kids need good homes. Hopefully this stays alive and kicking.
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Oct 9, 2013 17:14
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I have a coworker who told me that after three years of struggling with infertility, he and his wife are trying to adopt a baby. They've done the home study and are waiting for a placement. It's been about six months since we discussed it. For anyone who's been through this: is there anything I can say or ask to show that I'm thinking about him and wish him luck? Or is it better not to bring it up and assume if there's any news he'll tell me?
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Oct 9, 2013 19:43
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What are the return policies like on these things?
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Oct 9, 2013 19:49
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Seven for a Secret posted:I have a coworker who told me that after three years of struggling with infertility, he and his wife are trying to adopt a baby. They've done the home study and are waiting for a placement. It's been about six months since we discussed it. For anyone who's been through this: is there anything I can say or ask to show that I'm thinking about him and wish him luck? Or is it better not to bring it up and assume if there's any news he'll tell me? I'd just ask the guy, but I'm pretty painfully blunt about things. "Hey, how's the adoption thing going" doesn't seem assholish or anything to me. Khanstant posted:What are the return policies like on these things? Depends on the state. Some of them will take'em back, some have a no return policy.
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Oct 13, 2013 23:45
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Khanstant posted:What are the return policies like on these things? From time to time I tell our daughter that I am going to take her back to the girl store. She has already figured out I am full of poo poo, and she tells me she wants a new dad. We adopted her at 3 months old through our county foster care system. It was completely free, but the qualification process took two years, placement another 9 months, and the finalization of the adoption process took another 6 months. She was drug exposed for the first 6 months of gestation, but was clean the last 3 because her birth mom ended up in jail. Our girl seems to have no lasting effects from exposure to herion and meth. Believe it or not, alchohol is the one that will really gently caress up a kid.
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Oct 17, 2013 22:21
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Khanstant posted:What are the return policies like on these things? There are popular secondhand outlets available.
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Oct 17, 2013 22:35
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Hoover Dam posted:There are popular secondhand outlets available. I'm so glad my country banned international adoptions a decade ago.
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Oct 18, 2013 10:30
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Can any adoptees comment on their experiences with finding their birth parents? I'm 25, was born in Korea, and was adopted as a baby (4 months old). Lately I have been considering finding my birth parents, but I'm not entirely sure why I want to. If anything I guess it's mostly curiosity, and that it would be nice to actually know some stuff about my family medical history and so on. I'd love to hear parents' (biological or adoptive) thoughts on this kind of stuff too.
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Oct 31, 2013 18:01
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Here's something I've wondered a long time: why is foreign adoption so popular in the US? Is domestic adoption astronomically more expensive or something? Maybe it's because I'm from the South but I know more than a handful of couples who felt "let by God" to adopt a baby from China or Africa or a former USSR state, and I'm left wondering what the hell is wrong with all of the kids who are up for adoption in the US. Is the process more difficult?
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Oct 31, 2013 18:21
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30 Goddamned Dicks posted:Here's something I've wondered a long time: why is foreign adoption so popular in the US? Is domestic adoption astronomically more expensive or something? Maybe it's because I'm from the South but I know more than a handful of couples who felt "let by God" to adopt a baby from China or Africa or a former USSR state, and I'm left wondering what the hell is wrong with all of the kids who are up for adoption in the US. Is the process more difficult? The wait time for infants pretty much. Birth control changed adoption a lot in North America/Western Europe.
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Oct 31, 2013 19:09
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Hoover Dam posted:There are popular secondhand outlets available. That's the saddest thing I've read all day. 
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Nov 1, 2013 04:59
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sbaldrick posted:The wait time for infants pretty much. Birth control changed adoption a lot in North America/Western Europe. There's also the bonus of not having to worry about the icky birth parents showing up at your house. I'm adopted and was part of a lot of adoption support groups growing up. I guess it also makes me the go-to guy for people to talk about adoption when they know nothing about it. So I've met a lot of strangers of different generational and value levels who have experienced the whole spectrum of adoption. The international adopters always strike me as somewhat insecure. Although not as much as older families who have experienced with closed adoption.
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Nov 1, 2013 10:01
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Myself and my wife have just started looking into adoption at this point. The only reason we are looking at international adoption at this point is because of the shorter wait times. We could deal with the birth parents.
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Nov 1, 2013 13:51
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30 Goddamned Dicks posted:Here's something I've wondered a long time: why is foreign adoption so popular in the US? Is domestic adoption astronomically more expensive or something? Maybe it's because I'm from the South but I know more than a handful of couples who felt "let by God" to adopt a baby from China or Africa or a former USSR state, and I'm left wondering what the hell is wrong with all of the kids who are up for adoption in the US. Is the process more difficult? Like sbladrick said. It's mostly because they want infants or really little kids. Older kids (4-5 and up) are a lot easier to find in the US than little ones. Unless a sibling group gets split up all over the place and adopted out one by one. In the cases of China and the USSR, white and asian kids make up 99% of those adoptees and those are the two groups that stand the best chance of being adopted. afterhours posted:There's also the bonus of not having to worry about the icky birth parents showing up at your house. I'd really like to know about your experience in the support groups if you're up for sharing it. Was it worthwhile or was it boring?
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Nov 1, 2013 14:05
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I was adopted at a very young age and would be happy to answer any questions. I have met my birth mother and her family and she and my parents are now good friends who keep in constant contact. When I was in the search for my birth parents we got extremely lucky with finding them, Michigan had some of the toughest adoption laws and make it extremely difficult to find out who they were. I don't want to hijack the thread but I would be happy to answer any questions.
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Nov 1, 2013 14:51
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astr0man posted:Can any adoptees comment on their experiences with finding their birth parents? My brother is adopted from South Korea and he is also 25. I'm sure every case is different, but my mom has said it will be pretty much impossible for him to find his birth parents if he wanted to (He's entirely apathetic). It has something to do with the closed nature of adoptions in South Korea. If you do decide to go down this path though, I hope I am wrong! Definitely do some research because this is entirely anecdotal. I'm adopted as well (from the US), and my birth mom was able to send me a letter through the agency about 3 years ago. I responded to her via e-mail, and we went back and forth a couple of times but at some point I realized I had nothing to say to this woman. I appreciate her giving me up for adoption, but after I went through my life story I just didn't have any reason to maintain contact, so I just let things slide and it's probably been a year since I've heard from her. I never knew that there were adoption support groups. If you don't mind me asking, did you have a poor relationship with your adoptive parents? I've never had any emotional issues related to being adopted, but I wonder if that's a product of being lucky enough to have amazing parents. Although now that I think of it, out of my 4 brothers/sisters and myself, 2 have expressed interest in reaching out to their birth parents. My younger brother managed to find his birth dad on Facebook, but the guy blocked him when he reached out. My sister always talks about wanting to meet her birth mom, but she's crazy and in high school so who knows.
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Nov 2, 2013 19:21
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ChadBroChill17 posted:I never knew that there were adoption support groups. If you don't mind me asking, did you have a poor relationship with your adoptive parents? I've never had any emotional issues related to being adopted, but I wonder if that's a product of being lucky enough to have amazing parents. Although now that I think of it, out of my 4 brothers/sisters and myself, 2 have expressed interest in reaching out to their birth parents. My younger brother managed to find his birth dad on Facebook, but the guy blocked him when he reached out. My sister always talks about wanting to meet her birth mom, but she's crazy and in high school so who knows. I haven't spoken to my adoptive parents in about 2 years, but I don't really get along with anyone in my family except for my older brother, who was not adopted. My nonexistent relationship with my parents is due to political/religious differences, and isn't related to my adoption (to put it in perspective, my mom is like the VP or some poo poo of the official Tea Party group in a fairly large city). This is also anecdotal, but I know a few other Korean adoptees who were able to find their birth parents through my adoption agency, so I guess it's just a hit or miss kind of thing. I've always been really apathetic to finding my birth parents, but recently I did a 23andme thing and it just sort of opened up my curiosity I guess.
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Nov 2, 2013 19:30
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Fluffy Bunnies posted:I'd really like to know about your experience in the support groups if you're up for sharing it. Was it worthwhile or was it boring? I personally found the support groups to be very boring. But I'm a person who relieves stress through humor rather than talking about my feelings. I think they're actually very useful, although it depends on the kid. The "support meetings" were always pretty structured: sit down, don't talk unless its your turn, follow the conversation the adult lays out. But the meet-ups were cool: BBQ, museum visits, sports day. I think its good for an adopted child to meet other children who are also adopted, especially if they're the only person in their family who has been adopted. But the experience has to be supervised. A lot of kids I met went through identity crisis concerning their adoption and having a bunch of kids in that sort of dramatic situation did cause them to feed off of each other and blow things up to an even larger problem than they could have been. My family was always very open to discussing my adoption with other people. My parents were in their late 40s when I was born and also they're white. So I grew up with people assuming that at best, I was with my grandparents, and at worse a complete stranger. So I had a lot of "this is my mom. I'm adopted." conversations with everyone from classmates to people standing in line at the grocery store: I can remember at least 5 separate experiences while shopping with my mother where this was an issue. I'd wander off and meet up with her when she was in the check out line. Since my mother is older, she has trouble concentrating on more than one task at a time. So I just shuffle up and stand next to her until she was done. Or I'd start putting her groceries back in the cart. Security was called once, because I guess I looked like I was robbing her? The other 4 times involved the cashier going, "Hi, can I help you?" or "is this person bothering you?" My family is super racist, so they're extremely dismissive about my experience as a non-white person. So as a teenager, being able to talk to the international adoption kids and the other mixed family kids was a great way to blow off some steam. In my experience, the type of adoption had some effect on the way a kid developed. Closed adoption kids seemed more likely to have adoption angst: who am I!? you aren't my real mother! I want to meet my real family! I bet they're billionaires! Open adoption kids had two-family angst: I called my biological mom 'mom' in front of my real mom and she's been crying for 3 days straight. Foster children who had been adopted had their own set of unique problems that depended on whether or not they suffered abuse or neglect before being adopted and any problems that they might still have with their biological family. The international adoptions sometimes had cultural crises; although often they felt 'white' and their crisis was being singled out by people of their ethnicity who were resentful of them being 'white.' The kinship adopted kids tended to have the most problems. I'm talking about the one where a grandparent adopts a grandchild because the parents are usually in some horrific situation. Orphaned kinship adoptions obviously had problems relating to their parents dying, but their relationship with the rest of their family was usually much more stable. Please, please, please understand I'm only talking about my experience and I'm not making broad generalizations about every type of adopted situation. I'm saying I noticed a little pattern with certain types of situations.
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Nov 3, 2013 04:16
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Flaggy posted:I was adopted at a very young age and would be happy to answer any questions. I have met my birth mother and her family and she and my parents are now good friends who keep in constant contact. When I was in the search for my birth parents we got extremely lucky with finding them, Michigan had some of the toughest adoption laws and make it extremely difficult to find out who they were. I don't want to hijack the thread but I would be happy to answer any questions. I don't mean to offend, but do you know why she put you up for adoption?
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Nov 3, 2013 08:18
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Fluffy Bunnies posted:
Is it just parents who usually specify that they want the same race child, or do agencies ever push for as many similarities as possible (though possibly not just with race)?
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Nov 3, 2013 18:40
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Farecoal posted:I don't mean to offend, but do you know why she put you up for adoption? She wouldn't have been able to take care of me. Broke, no job, bad family situation. Luckily over the years she changed her life. I am the only child she has ever had, she married about 20 years ago and now donates all of her time to a battered women's shelter in St Louis. Incidentally her husband doesn't ever want to meet me. vOv
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Nov 3, 2013 23:23
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Greyish Orange posted:Is it just parents who usually specify that they want the same race child, or do agencies ever push for as many similarities as possible (though possibly not just with race)? It can be either, or both. You see a lot of the latter with native american kids.
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Nov 4, 2013 00:01
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Greyish Orange posted:Is it just parents who usually specify that they want the same race child, or do agencies ever push for as many similarities as possible (though possibly not just with race)? It's funny--in the 60s & 70s, you'd see all kinds of media pushing for multiracial adoptions, especially of black kids. Nowadays that's considered bad, 'racial genocide', etc.  You'd think the most important thing would be to get the kids into a stable & loving home, but I guess not.
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Nov 4, 2013 06:00
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30 Goddamned Dicks posted:Here's something I've wondered a long time: why is foreign adoption so popular in the US? Is domestic adoption astronomically more expensive or something? Maybe it's because I'm from the South but I know more than a handful of couples who felt "let by God" to adopt a baby from China or Africa or a former USSR state, and I'm left wondering what the hell is wrong with all of the kids who are up for adoption in the US. Is the process more difficult? I can't answer for other people but I can answer for myself. I've been interested in the idea of potentially adopting from China in particular because of their waiting child program. Obviously not right now, but sometime after I've had children myself (assuming I even can). So this is 10 years down the road at least but I am considering it. Essentially, I want do adopt a child who has a significant physiological deficit which places the child on something called the waiting child list. Essentially there are children on the list who have either mental or physical disabilities. "The special needs that are typically seen are cleft lip/palate, heart defects, hearing or vision problems, hand/foot/limb deformities (on occasion, club foot), missing limbs, Hepatitis B, spine deformity, spina bifida, cerebral palsy, Down Syndrome, brain conditions, and developmental delays." In particular, I'd be interesting in adopting a child pre- or post- surgery who has a physical but not mental deficit. I'm especially interested in adopting a child who has not had surgery in China but could be helped through surgery within the United States. The wait time and cost are both a concern for me, and I would also like to eventually adopt a younger child if possible. These are the reasons I'm looking mainly at China and not at US agencies. JibbaJabberwocky fucked around with this message at 20:25 on Nov 4, 2013 |
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Nov 4, 2013 18:28
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JibbaJabberwocky posted:I can't answer for other people but I can answer for myself. I've been interested in the idea of potentially adopting from China in particular because of their waiting child program. Obviously not right now, but sometime after I've had children myself (assuming I even can). So this is 10 years down the road at least but I am considering it. Essentially, I want do adopt a child who has a significant physiological deficit which places the child on something called the waiting child list. Essentially there are children on the list who have either mental or physical disabilities. "The special needs that are typically seen are cleft lip/palate, heart defects, hearing or vision problems, hand/foot/limb deformities (on occasion, club foot), missing limbs, Hepatitis B, spine deformity, spina bifida, cerebral palsy, Down Syndrome, brain conditions, and developmental delays." I thought that kids with disabilities were generally unwanted and thus easier to adopt?
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Nov 5, 2013 07:48
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Khazar-khum posted:I thought that kids with disabilities were generally unwanted and thus easier to adopt? This is the case. I'm not sure where I said otherwise. I'm looking at children with physical disabilities in China because it would be a faster and less expensive process than doing so through the United States as far as I know.
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Nov 5, 2013 14:55
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I wasn't adopted but I did live in foster care from age 12 to 16. It was an interesting experience. I think the system in the US must be horrible compared to my part of the world because, while there were some not-so-good times there was nothing insane like the stories I've heard from the states. I lived in two foster homes, each for about two years, and in between my first and second homes I lived in a group home with a bunch of other girls for about three months. My second set of foster parents rented out an apartment below us and also rented a room to my foster mother's niece who was in her twenties at the time, we would often sit around and complain about my foster mom's craziness (she was never abusiveness, just pretty wacky). At one point my older brother rented a room with us and he also hated my foster mother but stayed a while because it was cheap, clean and on a bus route, basically. When I was 16 I had the option of moving out on my own and I did almost immediately, despite my foster mother trying to convince me to stay. I got my first place with my brother and have rented since then. My brother has his own place with roommates now and I live with my boyfriend. It's probably really unusual how normal I am. A lot of that probably has to do with the fact that I had therapy three times a week for almost my entire time in foster care and my therapist constantly told me what a good person I was, how optimistic, intelligent, etc., which helped me to feel more like "me" in a weird situation instead of morphing into some foster kid stuck in the system or something equally depressing.
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Nov 5, 2013 15:54
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I was also adopted, but not really at the same time. My biological parents are really good friends with my adoptive parents. My adoptive parents weren't able to have children of their own because of issues my adoptive mom has that resulted in her having a hysterectomy. My bio mom thought that my adoptive parents, more than anybody else, really deserved a child of their own. So she thought about it and talked to my bio dad about it and they decided that they would conceive me for my adoptive parents. No legal stuff to go through, nothing linking me to them besides a blood test and the story. I was delivered at home by a midwife and immediately handed to my adoptive parents. One thing my bio mom had to do though, which I completely understand, was disassociate herself from what it was she was doing. She doesn't view me as being her son in any way. I know my bio family very well, and have seen them over the years. I have 4 brothers and one sister who all view me as a brother as well. I don't know exactly if my bio dad views me as a son though, but I am assuming he had to do the same thing my bio mom did. What my bio parents did though, is something I view as one of the most selfless things you could possibly do for another person or family. My mom told all of her family what was happening, but my dad didn't tell his. He just showed up to a family get-together that night with me in tow and surprised everybody.
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Nov 6, 2013 05:03
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So I guess I'll bump this thread as my wife and I are adopting a baby boy (due June 15th). We're just feeling a wave of responsibility and hopefulness and reading this thread has helped assuage our anxieties.
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Jan 1, 2014 23:08
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Thwomp posted:So I guess I'll bump this thread as my wife and I are adopting a baby boy (due June 15th). How long where you on the list?
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Jan 2, 2014 18:28
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So I officially started the process to try and find my birth mom. According to the social worker I talked to the process is mostly just a lot of waiting, and I probably won't hear anything one way or another for at least 5 or 6 months or so.
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Jan 2, 2014 18:54
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sbaldrick posted:How long where you on the list? It's a private/independent adoption. The mother was put in contact with us via a mutual friend.
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Jan 2, 2014 19:40
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Out of curiosity, can anyone comment on single-parent adoptions in the States? I'm told it's technically legal but very arduous, and depending on local laws you may have no chance at all.
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Jan 3, 2014 06:53
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My cousin was adopted three years ago by my aunt and uncle. After a couple miscarriages and a long time on a airing list, they finally were given the blessing of a sweet little boy. In Canada there is a month long period where the mother could change her mind about giving the child for adoption (I'm not sure of the specifics here, second hand information) and at the end of that month- whoops! Biomom hadn't signed them and so there was ANOTHER month of waiting! My aunt and uncle didn't even set up his crib they were so scared to lose him. Thankfully the little guy is still in our family and happy as ever. Here's a question from me, are you less likely to get selected to adopt a child if you don't have fertility issues?
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Jan 3, 2014 13:22
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tirinal posted:Out of curiosity, can anyone comment on single-parent adoptions in the States? I'm told it's technically legal but very arduous, and depending on local laws you may have no chance at all. If you want a baby you're going to find it harder than if you want a kid from the foster system. There's even some kids who want a single parent mom/dad because of abuse situations in the past.
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Jan 3, 2014 14:55
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Toriori posted:Here's a question from me, are you less likely to get selected to adopt a child if you don't have fertility issues?
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Jan 3, 2014 16:57
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tirinal posted:Out of curiosity, can anyone comment on single-parent adoptions in the States? I'm told it's technically legal but very arduous, and depending on local laws you may have no chance at all. I think if you're living in a somewhat progressive state, you shouldn't have a problem.
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Jan 3, 2014 22:57
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When it comes to the home visit - is it reasonable to say "this level of the house will be the child's play area" and only do serious child proofing in that area? I've got a quad split and only the top two levels would really be kid area until it's older. I see most people set their houses up this way but i'm not sure how anal retentive the home visit is. I'm still sort of blown away by how detailed the adoption process is. Any rear end in a top hat can bang and make a kid but trying to be responsible and not pass on genetic crap means you have to jump through so many hoops and it isn't covered by insurance the way birth and maternity care are. It's all worth it in the end but it just seems so surprising to me.
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Jan 4, 2014 00:46
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My dad and his wife recently adopted a brother and sister who are 10 and 14. They came from a place where their bio dad would steal their food and they never really went to school, which has made the boy put hot sauce on all of his food and the girl only in the 6th grade. We had a family reunion over the summer and they didn't know how families were structured - they kept calling me and our grandma their aunts and grandpa was "dad". Because of legal reasons, they lived with my dad for about a year before they were officially adopted because I think the dad decided after they were placed, he wanted them back and they had to go to court. Despite all of this, they are doing great now. The girl was so happy to have an older sister since she had always been the oldest girl in her old house of like...8 kids? Adopting older kids can work out well! Good luck to all of y'all who are waiting/looking.
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Jan 4, 2014 16:13
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