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  • Locked thread
Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007
Over two million words. Over 300 authors.

Thread v.1: First Blood
Thread v.2: Rentboy Boogaloo

@ThunderdomeSA on Twitter

:siren: CLICK HERE FOR CURRENT PROMPT :siren: (Please PM me if this is out of date ever)

The year is 2014, and two 18teen year old writers are entering an abonend bunker.

uh so what’s Thunderdome?

Thunderdome is more than just a weekly fiction contest.

Thunderdome is a crucible, the sides of which are coated with the remnants of the obliterated weak. Thunderdome is an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object. Thunderdome is glorious doom made briefly manifest, it is the percussive thunder of corpses hitting the floor.

Thunderdome is weakness leaving your body.

In Thunderdome, you write. You get your writing ripped apart. Then you come back for more. You become a better person for it. Maybe you even become a better writer.

but so okay that sounds cool, how do i participate

Each week, the previous week’s winner delivers a prompt, along with a word count, a deadline for signups, and a deadline for submissions. Your job is to read the prompt, sign up for the prompt, and then give your very best shot at writing a real nice story within the word limit and in time for the deadline.

It’s harder than it sounds.

Once the submission deadline passes, the winner/Boss Judge and their two chosen co-judges convene and decide the glorious victor, the pathetic failure, and any honorable/dishonorable mentions for the week. Generally, the judges will also give feedback in the form of short critiques.

The loser also gets this sweet losertar:

Then the cycle repeats.

It’s important to note that once you’ve posted your story, the time for edits is over. Use the preview button, for god’s sake. Stories that have been edited will be disqualified.

so can i join whenever i want?

No. Check the most recent prompt post for the sign-up deadine, typically a Friday but FFS this is a writing thread, read the prompt post. It’ll be angry and have lots of :siren:s.

what if i only want two judges? or FOUR?????


Three shalt be the number of judges, and the number of judges shall be three.
Four shalt not judge, nor either shall those judging number two, excepting that thou then include a third.
Five is right out.

can i judge even if i’m an unweaned unblooded soggy-spined babby

Probably not, unless the judges are desperate.

Absolutely do not step up to judge a brawl if you haven’t at least entered a few times and either won or received honorable mention.

You are always free to give critiques, but you should participate in a few rounds before you judge stories. You’ll give better feedback and have a better critical eye when it comes your time to take up the robe and gavel.


If you really feel like you need to carry on about the critique you get, take it to the Fiction Advice Thread or post your story in the Fiction Farm. for more extensive feedback.

This thread is for

*Postin’ stories
*Judgin’ stories
*Crittin’ stories

Because there is nothing worse when you’re waiting for judgment and there’s a bunch of new posts and NOPE it’s just 16teen new posts of empty-calorie blather.

i was gonna post a story but then i got high and played skyrim instead is that ok

People who sign up and then don't post a story are the worst kind of people.


do it twice in a row and you don't even gotta worry about ever showing your face in the 'dome again.

i heard this thread sucks

Well. In the more-than-a-year that Thunderdome has been around, we’ve seen lots of people improve their writing drastically, finally get around to working on ~Their Novel~, and even--in a few cases--get published.

If you want to do a poo poo-ton of writing and get quick feedback, this is the place to be every week. We even occasionally run mandatory magazine submissions weeks, so who knows, your lowly internet forums post could show up in a real-life publication!

:siren: BRAWLS :siren:

what if someone was sassin’ and i want to give them what-for?

Thunderdome has a wonderful institution called the brawl. Brawls are like cage matches where a roaring crowd watches two glistening combatants face off and take half-hearted, kitten-like swings at each other.


So okay, you’ve proven your mettle in the dome and even worked up a healthy grudge against someone.

To initiate a brawl, you simply call your intended out in the thread. If they accept (which, all people who don’t suck accept), then one of our Brawl Arbitration and Liability Limitation (BALLs) specialists will assign you a prompt, word count, and due date.

They will also judge your story, give results, and in most cases, give critiques.


I said it before, but it bears repeating. This isn’t to be exclusive, it’s to ensure that the brawl judge(s) don’t flake out, issue an awful prompt, or drop the ball on judgment. Generally one person is sufficient to judge a brawl, but there can be more if the judge so desires.

:siren: so what’s some other poo poo thunderdome really hates :siren:

Oh I’m so glad you asked.

*Responding to crits. Don’t do it in Thunderdome. Go to the Fiction Advice Thread or the Fiction Farm. NO WHINING.

*Participating without having read the OP. Because holy poo poo.

*Talking poo poo without backing it up with writing.

*Related to the above, not understanding kayfabe:


kayfabe /ˈkeɪfeɪb/ is the portrayal of staged events within the industry as "real" or "true," specifically the portrayal of competition, rivalries, and relationships between participants as being genuine and not of a staged or pre-determined nature. Kayfabe has also evolved to become a code word of sorts for maintaining this "reality" within the realm of the general public

*Skipping out on crits every single time you judge. People get busy, life happens, but this thread doesn’t work without the rear end in a top hat-disintegrating critiques. No one gets better, which means YOU have to keep reading lovely fiction.


*I reserve the right to add more to this section as you mouth-breathing satanists find creative ways to make me regret having been born.

Bossdad of Thunderdome

People who are good judges (this list is based on people who’ve judged the most times)
Bad Seafood
The Saddest Rhino
Erogenous Beef

Unlockable Bonus Characters
Nubile Hillock


Come talk poo poo with us. MAIN CHAT: SynIRC, #thunderdome

Sitting Here fucked around with this message at 03:49 on Dec 31, 2014


Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007
Now Open, the Thunderdome Archive!

Please use the link at the top left of the page to request an account.

Please take a moment to abase yourselves before crabrock and Kaishai, who took it upon themselves to put together something really cool for a bunch of ingrates on the internet.

We've got graphs!

We've got lists and rankings!

We've got madlibs!

(Please read The original Rural Rentboys for the background on the thread title)

And much, much more! Visit the Thunderdome Archive today!

(This space will be updated with more cool stuff as I get around to compiling it)

Sitting Here fucked around with this message at 18:19 on Jul 8, 2014

Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.
Past Weeks of Thunderdome
Week		Title								Winner		
I		Man Agonizes Over Potatoes					Sitting Here
II		Dystopian Chick-Lit						budgieinspector
III		Check Your Cis Privilege in Swaziland				sebmojo
IV		last man in the moon						toanoradian
V		Gary Numan, Fucksticks						Nyarai
VI		VI: Week Six: It Rhymes with Dicks				SurreptitiousMuffin 
VII		The goons who lose will pay the highest price			budgieinspector (II)
VIII		Martello's Girlfriend Said, "I'm late!"				Y Kant Ozma Post
IX		Old Sex/Lawn Sounds						sebmojo (II)
XI		Betrayal, by Zdzislaw Beksiñski					Jeza
XII		Hateful Protagonist						Fanky Malloons
XIII		Real Natural Horror, Bitches					Toaster Beef
XIV		You Shouldn't Be Here						Sitting Here (III)
XV		Sharp Vision Soothes Strong Reaction				LordVonEarlDuke
XVI		Oh the weave we web						Sitting Here (IV)
XVII		I Don't Know You						V for Vegas
XVIII		Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves
A		Round One							Res|ults
B		Round Two							sebmojo (III)
XIX		How Deep is my Fuckin' Love					Peel
XX		Face Your Destiny						The Saddest Rhino
XXI		Welcome to My Sensorium						Fanky Malloons (II)
XXII		Schroedinger’s Nihilarian					sebmojo (IV)
XXIII		DIE FOR YOUR POETRY						twinkle cave
XXIV		Keyboard Kings							Capntastic
XXV		What They Deserve						STONE OF MADNESS
XXVII   	There is only PAIN						EchoCian
XXVIII  	Show me the love!						Kaishai
XXIX		Written in the Stars						sebmojo (VI)
XXX		We're 30 / Time to get dirty / LET US gently caress			Oxxidation
XXXI		Russian Nesting Dolls						Some Strange Flea
XXXII		Playing Angry Birds on a Derailing Train			Fanky Malloons (III)
XXXIII		The Ides of Marx						Nubile Hillock
XXXIV		No dragonshirts at the club					systran
XXXV		Pictures and Books						Sitting Here (V)
XXXVI   	Polishing Turds							Dr. Kloctopussy
XXXVII  	Professional Excellence						systran (II)
XXXVIII 	Mandatory Thunderbrawls						Nikaer Drekin, Nubile Hillock (II), and Fumblemouse
XXXIX   	Lurid & Astounding Tales of Pulp Submissions			Kaishai (II)
XL		Poor Richard's Thundervision					Bad Seafood
XLI		Get Everybody and Stuff Together				Noah
XLII		Been Called Worse by Better					crabrock
XLIII		He's Dead, Horatio						Oxxidation (II)
XLIV		Old Testament Studies with Chairchucker				sebmojo (VII)
XLV		That Prisoners Call the Sky					Fumblemouse (II)
XLVI		A Child's Garden of WTF						Kaishai (III)    
XLVII		The Rule of Three						Sitting Here (VI)
XLVIII		Sitting Here is a Lazy Stoner					V for Vegas (II)
XLIX		You Have Chosen...Poorly 					Kaishai (IV)
L		Fifty Shades of Thunderdome					Anathema Device
LI		We Told You So							Umbilical Lotus
LII		Cyberblaxploitation Anniversary					Fumblemouse (III)
LIII		The Horrors of History						Noah (II)
LIV		Petty Politics							The Saddest Rhino (II)
LV		School of a Certain Trade					Sitting Here (VII)
LVI		Keyhole Views							Didja Redo
LVII		No Characters Allowed						Zack_Gochuck
LVIII		Seeing vs Seen							systran (III)
LIX		Write Where You Live						Kaishai (V)
LX		The Case of the Regrettable Entries				Erogenous Beef
LXI		Twisted Traditions						crabrock (II)
LXII		Thunderdome Against Humanity					Fumblemouse (IV)
LXIII		Who finds short shorts unbearably depressing?			Sitting Here (VIII)
LXIV		Dead or Alive							Echo Cian (II)
LXV		Songs We Were Singing						Kaishai (VI)
LXVI		Know When to Fold 'Em						Quidnose
LXVII		Lions and Tigers and Bears					Erogenous Beef (II)
LXVIII		Once Upon A Crime						Fumblemouse (V)
LXIX		Good, Giving and Game						Jeza (II)
LXX		"And what did you see, my darling young one?"			God Over Djinn
LXXI		A way with words						foutre
LXXII		big as poo poo							crabrock (III)
LXXIII		My God It's Full of Starfish					Roguelike
LXXIV		Y Tu Thunderdome!?						sentientcarbon
LXXV		He's Not Quite Dead						Peel (II)
LXXVI		The Mystery of the Finite					God Over Djinn (II)
LXXVII		Well gee, that's certainly something				Tyrannosaurus
LXXVIII		Past Glories							Kaishai (VII)
LXXIX		Periodic Stories of the Elements				God Over Djinn (III)
LXXX		"Why don't you ask your huge cock?"				Erogenous Beef (III)
LXXXI		Chairchucker's LEGO prompt about LEGO for people who like LEGO	systran (IV)
LXXXII		Captain Thunderdome						Oxxidation (III)
LXXXIII		Comma, Noun, Verb						Kaishai (VIII)
LXXXIV		Who You Gonna Call?						Bad Seafood (II)
LXXXV		Ground Control to Major Tom					WeLandedOnTheMoon!
LXXXVI		Have You Seen My Trophy?					HopperUK
LXXXVII		Touched by a Thunderdome					Fumblemouse (VI)
LXXXVIII	The Wise Fool							Nethilia
LXXXIX		We Don't Need No Water, Let The drat Roof Burn			curlingiron
XC		Down With the Sickness						theblunderbuss
XCI		OUR FINEST HOUR							Tyrannosaurus (II)
XCII		The Great White Elephant Gift Exchange!				Meeple
XCIII		The wind is rising, so we must try to live			Meinberg
XCIV		TRULY ALIEN							Sitting Here (IX)
XCV		Inhuman Centipede						Tyrannosaurus (III)
XCVI		Free to a good home!						docbeard
XCVII		Neither Tarnished Nor Afraid					Kaishai (IX)
XCVIII		Music of the Night						Anomalous Blowout
XCIX		COME TO YOUR SENSES!						crabrock (IV)
C		The Black Attache Case						Various
CI		WAR								Tyrannosaurus (V)
CII		B-I-N-G-O							Echo Cian (III)
CIII		Pacifist Run							Entenzahn
CV		Book One							SurreptitiousMuffin (II)
CVI		VH1 presents: Behind the Goon[sic]				Tyrannosaurus (VI)
CVIII		The Dewey Decimal System					Grizzled Patriarch
CIX		Attack of the Clones						sebmojo (VIII)
CX		cleaning up the streets						Fanky Malloons (IV)
CXI		FOLK ALL Y'ALL							Entenzahn (II)
CXII		Attack of the Graphophobes					SurreptitiousMuffin (III)
CXIV		Missed Catnections						Kaishai (XI)
CXV		The Eleventh Hour						Sitting Here (X)
CXVI		Today in Technicolor						crabrock (VI)
CXVII		Tired of your poo poo						Kaishai (XII)
CXVIII		If on a Winter's Night a Fire					Chairchucker
CXIX		Oh!  Calamity!							Tyrannosaurus (VII)
CXX		You Can't Jump a Fence Without Knowing Where the Sun Sets	Sitting Here (XI)
CXXI		Pet Words							Jonked
CXXII		Bar-back							Grizzled Patriarch (II)
CXXIII		C'est Nes Pas une Nouvelle					Tyrannosaurus (VIII)
CXXIV		god have mercy							Grizzled Patriarch (III)
CXXV		Thunderdome is Coming to Town					Kaishai (XIII)
CXXVI		Auld Lang Syne							Pending

Kaishai fucked around with this message at 04:55 on Jan 2, 2015

Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.
Thunderbrawl 1 by sebmojo: Martello vs. twinkle cave
Round 1			twinkle cave
Round 2			Martello
Round 3			Martello

Thunderbrawl 2 by sebmojo: Etherwind vs. Symptomless Coma
Prompt			Symptomless Coma

Thunderbrawl 3 by HiddenGecko: Noah vs. Benagain
Round 1			Noah
Round 2			Noah

Thunderbrawl 4 by Fanky Malloons: Iroel vs. HiddenGecko
Round 1			Draw
Round 2			HiddenGecko (by default)

Thunderbrawl 5 by sebmojo: SurreptitiousMuffin vs. budgieinspector
Round 1			budgieinspector
Round 2			budgieinspector

Thunderbrawl 6 by sebmojo: Bad Seafood vs. toanoradian
Prompt			Bad Seafood

Thunderbrawl 7 by Sitting Here & Nubile Hillock: Martello vs. hereticMIND
Prompt			Martello

Thunderbrawl 8 by Martello: Noah vs. EchoCian
Prompt			Noah

Thunderbrawl 9 by Noah: sebmojo vs Stuporstar
Prompt			sebmojo

Thunderbrawl 10 by Jeza: Noah vs. Nubile Hillock
Round 1			Noah

Thunderbrawl 11 by Erogenous Beef:  Sitting Here vs. Jeza
Round 1			Sitting Here

Thunderbrawl 12 by The Saddest Rhino:  Noah vs. Nubile Hillock vs. sebmojo
Round 1			sebmojo

Thunderbrawl 13 by twinkle cave:  Martello vs. Noah
Round 1			Noah

Thunderbrawl 14 by CancerCakes:  sebmojo vs. Fumblemouse
Round 1			sebmojo

Thunderbrawl 15 by Fanky Malloons:  Martello vs. Noah
Round 1			Noah

Thunderbrawl 16 by Martello:  sebmojo vs. Erik Shawn-Bohner
Round 1			sebmojo	

Thunderbrawl 17 by Black Griffon:  CancerCakes vs. Jagermonster
Round 1			CancerCakes

Thunderbrawl 18 by sebmojo:  Erik Shawn-Bohner vs. Martello
Round 1			Erik Shawn-Bohner (by default)

Thunderbrawl 19 by Martello:  SurreptitiousMuffin vs. Erik Shawn-Bohner
Round 1			Erik Shawn-Bohner

Thunderbrawl 20 by Erik Shawn-Bohner:  Martello vs. sebmojo
Round 1			Martello

Thunderbrawl 21 by Chairchucker:  Erogenous Beef vs. Kaishai
Round 1			Kaishai

Thunderbrawl 22 by Erogenous Beef:  The Saddest Rhino vs. SurreptitiousMuffin
Round 1			The Saddest Rhino

Thunderbrawl 23 by Symptomless Coma:  sebmojo vs. twinkle cave
Round 1			twinkle cave

Thunderbrawl 24 by Kaishai:  Nubile Hillock vs. JonasSalk
Round 1			Nubile Hillock

Thunderbrawl 25 by systran:  Mercedes vs. captain platypus vs. Bad Seafood
Round 1			captain platypus

Thunderbrawl 26 by Martello:  Nubile Hillock vs. Capntastic vs. Jagermonster
Round 1			Capntastic
Thunderbrawl 27 by Erogenous Beef:  sebmojo vs. Fumblemouse
Round 1			sebmojo

Thunderbrawl 28 by sebmojo:  crabrock vs. Chillmatic
Round 1			crabrock

Thunderbrawl 29 by Kaishai:  CancerCakes vs. sebmojo
Round 1			sebmojo

Thunderbrawl 30 by sebmojo:  Fumblemouse vs. crabrock vs. Nikaer Drekin
Round 1			crabrock

Thunderbrawl 31 by Dr. Kloctopussy, Bad Seafood, and Chairchucker:  Sitting Here vs. sebmojo
Round 1			sebmojo
Round 2			Sitting Here
Round 3			Sitting Here

Thunderbrawl 32 by sebmojo:  Jeza vs. Noah
Round 1			Noah

Thunderbrawl 33 by Nikaer Drekin:  Mercedes vs. Fumblemouse
Round 1			Fumblemouse

Thunderbrawl 34 by Jeza:  inthesto vs. CantDecideOnAName
Round 1			CantDecideOnAName
Thunderbrawl 35 by Kaishai:  Mercedes vs. Bad Seafood
Round 1			Bad Seafood

Thunderbrawl 36 by sebmojo:  Erogenous Beef vs. Sitting Here
Round 1			Erogenous Beef

Thunderbrawl 37 by Erogenous Beef:  Fraction vs. Mercedes
Round 1			Mercedes

Thunderbrawl 38 by Dr. Kloctopussy:  crabrock vs. SurreptitiousMuffin
Round 1			SurreptitiousMuffin

Thunderbrawl 39 by Bad Seafood:  Quidnose vs. sebmojo
Round 1			sebmojo

Thunderbrawl 40 by Bitchtits McGee:  sebmojo vs. Erogenous Beef
Round 1			sebmojo

Thunderbrawl 41 by Tyrannosaurus:  Mercedes vs. Purple Prince
Round 1			Mercedes

Thunderbrawl 42 by sebmojo:  Bitchtits McGee vs. Radioactive Bears

Thunderbrawl 43 by Kaishai:  DreamingofRoses vs. crabrock
Round 1			crabrock

Thunderbrawl 44 by Mercedes:  No Longer Flaky vs. The Leper Colon V
Round 1			No Longer Flaky

Thunderbrawl 45 by Fumblemouse:  No Longer Flaky vs. God Over Djinn
Round 1			No Longer Flaky

Thunderbrawl 46 by sebmojo:  Mercedes vs. The Leper Colon V
Round 1			The Leper Colon V

Thunderbrawl 47 by crabrock:  SurreptitiousMuffin vs. sebmojo
Round 1			Draw
Round 2			SurreptitiousMuffin

Thunderbrawl 48 by The Saddest Rhino:  magnificent7 vs. sebmojo vs. Mercedes vs. Meinberg
Round 1			sebmojo

Thunderbrawl 49 by sebmojo:  Quidnose vs. The Saddest Rhino
Round 1			Quidnose

Thunderbrawl 50 by Martello:  Echo Cian vs. Sitting Here
Round 1			Echo Cian

Thunderbrawl 51 by Mercedes:  ThirdEmperor vs. magnificent7
Round 1			ThirdEmperor

Thunderbrawl 52 by Kaishai:  Sitting Here vs. SurreptitiousMuffin
Round 1			SurreptitiousMuffin

Thunderbrawl 53 by sebmojo:  SurreptitiousMuffin vs. Erogenous Beef
Round 1			Erogenous Beef

Thunderbrawl 54 by Sitting Here:  God Over Djinn vs. No Longer Flaky
Round 1			God Over Djinn

Thunderbrawl 55 by Erogenous Beef:  Entenzahn vs. Mercedes
Round 1			Mercedes

Thunderbrawl 56 by sebmojo:  Crab Destroyer vs. Mister Morn
Round 1			Crab Destroyer

Thunderbrawl 57 by Dr. Kloctopussy:  SurreptitiousMuffin vs. Kaishai 
Round 1			SurreptitiousMuffin

Thunderbrawl 58 by Erogenous Beef:  sebmojo vs. God Over Djinn 
Round 1			sebmojo

Thunderbrawl 59 by Fumblemouse:  Lake Jucas vs. Starter Wiggin 
Round 1			Lake Jucas

Thunderbrawl 60 by sebmojo:  Djeser vs. Echo Cian
Round 1			Djeser

Thunderbrawl 61 by sebmojo:  RunningIntoWalls vs. Pseudoscorpion
Round 1			Pseudoscorpion

Thunderbrawl 62 by Bad Seafood:  Mercedes vs. Dr. Kloctopussy
Round 1			Dr. Kloctopussy

Thunderbrawl 63 by Tyrannosaurus:  crabrock vs. Sitting Here
Round 1			crabrock

Thunderbrawl 64 by sebmojo:  QuoProQuid vs. The News at 5
Round 1			The News at 5

Thunderbrawl 65 by sebmojo:  Sitting Here vs. God Over Djinn
Round 1			Sitting Here

Thunderbrawl 66 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  sebmojo vs. systran
Round 1			systran

Thunderbrawl 67 by God Over Djinn:  Gau vs. Thalamas
Round 1			Gau

Thunderbrawl 68 by ReptileChillock:  God Over Djinn vs. WeLandedOnTheMoon! vs. curlingiron
Round 1			God Over Djinn

Thunderbrawl 69 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  RichardGamingo vs. leekster
Round 1			leekster

Thunderbrawl 70 by sebmojo:  Sitting Here vs. Fumblemouse
Round 1			Sitting Here

Thunderbrawl 71 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  Phobia vs. Meinberg
Round 1			Meinberg

Thunderbrawl 72 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  Hocus Pocus vs. leekster
Round 1			Hocus Pocus

Thunderbrawl 73 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  dmboogie vs. Pseudoscorpion
Round 1			Pseudoscorpion

Thunderbrawl 74 by crabrock:  Starter Wiggin vs. Thalamas
Round 1			Starter Wiggin

Thunderbrawl 75 by sebmojo:  crabrock vs. Some Guy TT
Round 1			crabrock

Thunderbrawl 76 by sebmojo:  Entenzahn vs. Lake Jucas
Round 1			Lake Jucas

Thunderbrawl 77 by Erogenous Beef:  Martello vs. Sitting Here
Round 1			Martello

Thunderbrawl 78 by Erogenous Beef:  Tyrannosaurus vs. Thalamas
Round 1			Tyrannosaurus

Thunderbrawl 79 by Tyrannosaurus:  Jeza vs. Meeple
Round 1			Meeple (by default)

Thunderbrawl 80 by sebmojo:  Fanky Malloons vs. SurreptitiousMuffin
Round 1			SurreptitiousMuffin

Thunderbrawl 81 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  Meinberg vs. Hocus Pocus vs. Pseudoscorpion
Round 1			Meinberg

Thunderbrawl 82 by SurreptitiousMuffin:  Phobia vs. leekster vs. dmboogie
Round 1			dmboogie

Thunderbrawl 83 by Mercedes:  Entenzahn vs. Djeser
Round 1			Djeser

Thunderbrawl 84 by Erogenous Beef:  Entenzahn vs. God Over Djinn
Round 1			God Over Djinn

Thunderbrawl 85 by Sitting Here:  PootieTang vs. CommissarMega
Round 1			PootieTang

Thunderbrawl 86 by sebmojo:  Blade_of_tyshalle vs. Bad Seafood vs. dmboogie
Round 1			Bad Seafood

Thunderbrawl 87 by Bad Seafood:  Cache Cab vs. Gau
Round 1			Gau

Thunderbrawl 88 by Tyrannosaurus:  SurreptitiousMuffin vs. Bad Seafood
Round 1			SurreptitiousMuffin

Thunderbrawl 89 by God Over Djinn:  Entenzahn and Meeple vs. docbeard and SurreptitiousMuffin
Round 1			Entenzahn and Meeple

Thunderbrawl 90 by Gau:  WeLandedOnTheMoon! vs. Broenheim
Round 1			WeLandedOnTheMoon!

Thunderbrawl 91 by Mercedes:  sebmojo vs. Djeser
Round 1			sebmojo

Thunderbrawl 92 by Bad Seafood:  Mercedes vs. Nethilia
Round 1			Nethilia

Thunderbrawl 93 by Schneider Heim:  Djeser vs. Gau vs. Phobia
Round 1			Gau

Thunderbrawl 94 by WeLandedOnTheMoon!:  Gau vs. Sithsaber
Round 1			Gau

Thunderbrawl 95 by Entenzahn:  PootieTang vs. Fuschia tude
Round 1			PootieTang

Thunderbrawl 96 by sebmojo:  Mercedes vs. systran
Round 1			Mercedes (by default)

Thunderbrawl 97 by Entenzahn:  DuckyB vs. Phobia

Thunderbrawl 98 by crabrock:  Number 36 vs. Ironic Twist
Round 1			Ironic Twist (by default)

Thunderbrawl 99 by Entenzahn:  Phobia vs. Djeser
Round 1			Djeser (by default)

Thunderbrawl 100 by Mercedes:  Benny the Snake vs. sebmojo
Round 1			sebmojo

Thunderbrawl 101 by God Over Djinn:  Oxxidation vs. sebmojo
Round 1			Neither

Thunderbrawl 102 by Sitting Here:  SurreptitiousMuffin vs. sebmojo
Round 1			SurreptitiousMuffin

Thunderbrawl 103 by Martello:  Benny the Snake vs. Sitting Here
Round 1			Sitting Here

Thunderbrawl 104 by Mercedes:  Fuschia tude vs. Thalamas vs. PoshAlligator vs. Hammer Bro.
Round 1			Hammer Bro.

Thunderbrawl 105 by Mercedes:  Benny the Snake vs. Schneider Heim vs. Walamor
Round 1			Schneider Heim

Thunderbrawl 106 by Anomalous Blowout:  Broenheim vs. JuniperCake
Round 1			Broenheim (by default)

Thunderbrawl 107 by Bad Seafood:  PootieTang vs. God Over Djinn
Round 1			God Over Djinn

Thunderbrawl 108 by Fanky Malloons:  Benny the Snake vs. Benny the Snake
Round 1			Benny the Snake

Thunderbrawl 109 by sebmojo:  Entenzahn vs. Martello
Round 1			Entenzahn

Thunderbrawl 110 by Mercedes:  newtestleper vs. Phobia vs. docbeard
Round 1			docbeard

Thunderbrawl 111 by Mercedes:  Cache Cab vs. the wildest turkey
Round 1			Cache Cab

Thunderbrawl 112 by Mercedes:  Ironic Twist vs. thehomemaster vs. Grizzled Patriarch vs. Benny the Snake
Round 1			Ironic Twist

Thunderbrawl 113 by Mercedes:  Djeser vs. N. Senada vs. Tyrannosaurus vs. Entenzahn
Round 1			Djeser

Thunderbrawl 114 by Sitting Here:  Cache Cab vs. Broenheim vs. Entenzahn
Round 1			Broenheim

Thunderbrawl 115 by sebmojo:  Your Sledgehammer vs. Mercedes
Round 1			Mercedes

Thunderbrawl 116 by Tyrannosaurus:  Benny the Snake vs. Fumblemouse
Round 1			Fumblemouse (by default)

Thunderbrawl 117 by sebmojo:  SurreptitiousMuffin vs. Martello
Round 1			Martello

Thunderbrawl 118 by Entenzahn:  Gau vs. blue squares
Round 1			blue squares (by default)

Thunderbrawl 119 by Jitzu_the_Monk:  Phobia vs. Benny the Snake
Round 1			Phobia

Thunderbrawl 120 by Mercedes:  Sitting Here and sebmojo vs. N. Senada and Jitzu_the_Monk vs. Entenzahn and Obliterati
Round 1			Sitting Here and sebmojo

Thunderbrawl 121 by newtestleper:  Broenheim vs. blue squares
Round 1			blue squares

Thunderbrawl 122 by Bad Seafood:  Ironic Twist vs. SurreptitiousMuffin
Round 1			Pending

Thunderbrawl 123 by Phobia:  Your Sledgehammer vs. Jitzu_the_Monk
Round 1			Pending

Thunderbrawl 124 by crabrock:  Entenzahn vs. sebmojo
Round 1			Pending

Kaishai fucked around with this message at 20:54 on Dec 28, 2014

Jan 13, 2005

A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Hello old friend, it's been a while.

Aug 2, 2002




goal: 6 wins in dis thread

Year Progress: ├████┼████┼████┼████┼████┼████┼████┼████┼████┼████┼████┼████┤

Wins Progress: ├█████████┼█████████┼█████████┼─────────┼─────────┼─────────┤


crabrock fucked around with this message at 19:19 on Jan 1, 2015

Mar 21, 2010
:siren: I'M THROWING DOWN THE BOOT :siren:

Ko Interislander te waka. Ko Wither Hills te maunga. Ko Taylor te Moana te awa. Ko Ngai Tahu te iwi. Ko Muffin ahau.

Sebmojo, only one of us can be King of Wellington. By right of victory, I challenge you to Kiwibrawl. There will be buckets of blood, pretty good coffee, and apologising for things that other people do.

Come and fight me, you no good Syrio Forell-looking motherfucker.

SurreptitiousMuffin fucked around with this message at 08:15 on Dec 31, 2013

May 31, 2011

Come at me baby bitch
Ock ock!

Jul 29, 2006

Thunderdome LXXIV: Y Tu Thunderdome!?

It's a New Year. The sun shining, the snow is melting, and all around people are burying old feuds. Forgiveness is in the air.

But some feuds can never be forgiven.

This week, I want to read a story with roots as old as time. Once, they were the best of friends. Now, they are the worst of enemies. Ceaser and Brutus, Anakin and Obi Wan, Professor Xavier and Magneto.

:siren: Your story must include two characters who were/are/will someday go from being the staunchest of allies to the most the hated of rivals:siren:

There's plenty to work with here, this is some classic poo poo. Betrayal. Love. Mothers turning against sons and brothers against sisters. Any genre, any time period, the disagreement can be anything, so long as it matters to your characters more than the world itself. Make it sad, make it epic, make it a story that stands the test of time. Don't be boring.

You don't have to include the entire arc (in fact, you probably shouldn't), but by the time the story is finished, the reader should have a pretty good idea of where the characters have been, where they're going, and what has torn them apart.

Sitting Here
Fanky Malloons

Sign-up Deadline: 11:59 pm, Friday the 3rd, EST.
Submission Deadline: 11:59 pm, Sunday the 5th, EST.

Word Count: 1250 epic words (or less)

Epic Poet Contenders:
The Leper Colon V
Purple Prince
God Over Djinn
V for Vegas
Erogenous Beef
Nubile Hillock
No Longer Flaky
JuniperCake (DQ)
petrol blue
Black Griffon
ThirdEmperor (DQ)
Nikaer Drekin
Fanky Malloons (also a judge) (DQ)
Schneider Heim
Seldom Posts

Roguelike fucked around with this message at 06:22 on Jan 6, 2014

Aug 2, 2002




You drop your bag and chase after Gus. Behind you, Officer James trips over your books and faceplants on the floor. You burst from the school doors onto an empty lawn, and grab your bike from the rack. Officer James runs out of the school, but stops his chase as you ride down the street. You race toward town, occasionally glancing over your shoulder. Nobody follows you.

The chimes above the door to Don’s Donuts jingle as you walk in. Gus turns around and his eyes widen. He waves you over.

“Holy crap, I always figured you for a goody-goody.”

“The name’s Jake,” you say, shaking Gus’ hand.

“Hi Jake, nice to meet you. Sorry about knocking you over earlier.”

“It’s no big deal,” you say, but you’re kind of glad it happened.

“You like maple bars?”

You nod.

“Hey Pops, get Jake here a maple bar.”

The man behind the counter smiles and ducks into the donut counter.

“Wait, that’s your dad?” you ask.

Gus laughs. “Yup, has been for twelve years.”

“He doesn’t care that you’re ditching school?”

Gus shrugs. “Know he can’t stop it really, figures I might as well be here where at least he knows I’m not off doing something stupid.”

Don, Gus’ father, delivers a maple bar and a carton of whole milk to the table. “Nice to meet you Jake,” he says. “A friend of Gus’ is always welcome here. Gus don’t have many friends.”

“Shush dad! You’re gonna embarrass me!”

You struggle not to gasp. Gus, not having friends? He was the biggest, meanest kid in the whole school. He could have any friend he wanted. Not like you, the weakling that is picked last for kickball and left at the museum on field trips. You shove the maple bar into your mouth so you don’t have to say anything.

“My old man’s crazy. Doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Gus says. “I got plenty of friends.”

You finish your donut and Don tells you it’s on the house. You follow Gus around back and he takes a cigarette out of his pocket. It’s bent in the middle, but he straightens it out and rolls it between his fingers. He lights it, takes a long drag, and then coughs.

“This is a real strong one,” he says. “I know where to get the real cigarettes. The illegal stuff from Europe.” He coughs again. “Here,” he says, and holds out the cigarette.

Do you:

Take the cigarette from him.


Remember your grandma hooked up to tubes and breathing through a hole in her throat.

crabrock fucked around with this message at 06:46 on Aug 4, 2014

Oct 23, 2010

Legit Cyberpunk

Surreptitious Muffin, old buddy.

Kia ora, bro.

Now we both realise that your styles are weak and feeble. Also, that it is long past time that they be ended. You have suggested it be me that should do this; so let it be written.

Tl,dr: bring it bitch

sebmojo fucked around with this message at 04:05 on Dec 13, 2014

Oct 23, 2010

Legit Cyberpunk

Also: in.

Dec 3, 2007

I have trained in strange lands and my prose level is more powerful than ever, I will demonstrate this to you provincials in the year 2014 (but not this week I am still on holiday and gently caress that).

Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.
Coming soon: Me, wiping the floor with all of you

Aug 2, 2002




sebmojo posted:

Surreptitious Muffin, old buddy.

Kia ora, bro.

Now we both realise that your styles are weak, feeble, and it is long past time that they be ended. You have suggested it be me that should do this; so let it be written.

Tl,dr: bring it, bitch

I'll judge this one.

:siren: Muffin vs sebmojo: Almost Down-Under Brawl

Write a story where a character undergoes a complete transformation. Not just a change of heart at the end of the story, but a slow, irreversible, completely opposite person of who they were at the beginning of the story. Convince me that this person is different. I really need to believe their motivations and understand why they did what they did. The more extreme the switch, the more points you'll get.

Word count: 2,000

Don't feel obligated to use all of them, but I didn't want you to be limited by trying to cram what you need to write into a few words. Make me believe this poo poo.

Due: Saturday, Jan 11th, 12:00 noon NZDT

Purple Prince
Aug 20, 2011

In. The newborn light of the thread shall be forever blotted out by the smog of my prose.

May 12, 2010

Pro is an amazing name!
New year, lenient prompt, big word limit. I'd shame myself for the rest of time if I weren't in.

Have fun this week, future judges.

God Over Djinn
Jan 17, 2005

onwards and upwards

Jun 27, 2013
Nap Ghost
Awesome prompt.


V for Vegas
Aug 31, 2004


Apr 12, 2006
I'm in.

Erogenous Beef
Dec 20, 2006

i know the filthy secrets of your heart
New Year, new Dome, new IN.

Jun 18, 2013
New year (nearly) and new opportunities to challenge myself. I'm in for my first Thunderdrome challenge.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007
I will help judge this shitparade if that's ok

Mar 21, 2013

Grimey Drawer

girl dick energy
Sep 30, 2009

You think you have the wherewithal to figure out my puzzle vagina?
Sure, I might as well try to bitterly claw my way upward. In.

Apr 7, 2009


I'm in

Jun 18, 2013
Block 89 1249 words

I push the gun into her head. I feel her push back so I kick her hard in the bottom of her spine. The base of her neck was glistening with sweat, her ponytail was matted with blood. Joey didn't like her tone when we came into the house so he produced a full-stop to her sentence in the shape of a swift smack with the bottom of a 9mm pistol.

The house has no carpet. The walls have mould with more life than half the residents in the block and the dust has settled in all the areas it could.

Her daughter was motionless on the couch clutching a yellow bear with one eye. Behind her sat the orange skyline of Block 89. The huge skyscrapers bursting out of the ground almost like fingers reaching for something better.

The soles of her feet are black. I don't know why I am so upset by this. I tell her to get down and go and wait in her room. She jumps up and in a flash is gone. I see a fresh looking wound on her arm as she goes past. Looks like someone had carved “mine” into her.

“It's been four days Louis. We need to see some of the money”

Joey usually did all of the talking. I wanted to keep my mouth shut, literally at times with the squalor we have to do our work in.

“I have some.” She nods towards a Buddha statue place on the fireplace.

I pop the head off and immediately see a roll of money that was going to mean nobody is going home any time soon.

“It's all I could get, please. I'll get more by next Wednesday. I need to get Lexi working more”

Lexi - her 12-year-old daughter – was known to be working for Louis. I often saw Louis dragging her from door to door of the Block 89 offering her around. Most turned them away. Other times the door stayed open and the two eventually faded into the darkness of the house as the door closed behind them.

I hated these jobs; too much emotion and very little reward. Joey and I had been working together for about 3 years. He can hold his drink and a conversation so I didn't argue with the pairing.

We floated around freelance for a while; hearing jobs in the underground pubs off Block 12, posting cards in the immigrant offices whoring ourselves out whoever could pay. lovely jobs from lovely people. We are good at our jobs so eventually Tony invited us to work for him. Tony owned Block 89 and everyone in it.

The thing with Tony is he liked little girls. He liked to hurt them. I heard some poo poo about how he liked to write his name onto their bodies with a hot knife. I was about ready to shoot this gently caress in the face when I heard but Joey reminded me what was outside of the Block. He was right of course but I didn't like it.

Unfortunately a few days ago Lexi went to see Tony. This meeting didn't go to plan and a refund was requested. We are here now to get it.

“Please, I haven't anything more right now. Why don't you go into her room and have some fun for a while? She isn't very experienced but you can do anything you want to her. She doesn't make a sound.”

I feel the base of my throat become hot with bile. I want to be sick all over this woman. I want to go home and go to sleep and dream of a place away from here.


I mustn’t have put the safety on while searching the house. I haven't been sleeping lately I suppose. That must be it.

Louis' head burst open down the left side, some of her teeth protruded through the hole in her cheek and her tongue was twitching in her blood filled mouth. I kneel down and brush her wet hair away from her eyes.

“What the actual gently caress have you done? Jesus. She's loving dead.”

Louis' pulse collar started to beep, we knew we didn't have much time before the alarm sounded. We needed to get her out of here: an unwarranted death would lead to our bounty collector licenses being revoked and a nice 12 month stint up in Tower 2.

“Get the girl.”

poo poo, Lexi. I knew we had to take her with us; she was a witness and I didn't want her to be left alone either. I knocked on her door and beckoned her out. Her eyes didn't leave the floor as she came to me. She saw her Mum's corpse and I swear for a second I saw a flicker of a smirk.

I hear Joey's gun click behind me. I turn around and feel the wind of a bullet fly past me. A soft fleshy thud makes me turn back towards Lexi. Joey had shot her in the neck. I feel a warm shower of blood up my neck and onto my face. Her eyes meet mine and I catch her before she collapses.

“Joey. Man, what the gently caress are you doing? poo poo.”

Joey wipes the sweat from his forehead and picks Louis' body up.

“C'mon man, we have to get her out of here. They'll think it was robbery or some paedo poo poo or..i don't loving know man, let's go.”

Louis' pulse collar was beeping faster. Every resident over 16 in the Blocks had to have a pulse collar. The crime rate had dropped by 62% in the 3 years they were introduced. If a person's heart rate drops to zero and stays there for 5 minutes an alarm is sounded, the whole floor is shut down and the local block police are called.

I put my finger into the gaping hole in her pale neck. It stemmed the blood slightly but she needs a medic. Lexi's face was glistening with sweat, the orange hue of the dawn sky lit half of her face up. She looked beautiful.

“I'm not going.”

“Get up.” Joey said, switching our radio channel off at the same time. “Come on. Up”

“You shot a kid Joe. A loving child.”

Doors began to open down the corridor. The bleeping loudly fills the air.

“I can't leave without you. I need you to fix this. They'll send me back, I can't leave her here alive.”

“Then shoot me Joey, I can't leave her. It's not right.”

Lexi began to convulse, dark clumps of blood began to ooze from her mouth. She was already dead but I couldn't leave her. She grabs my hand and I pick her up and rest her body against the wall, I pull her legs over mine and scoot underneath to support her. Her nightie has ridden up over her bruised legs. I pull it down.

The beeping from Louis' collar begins to beep so fast it becomes a constant high-pitched screech. Joey pulls his gun up and aims it towards me. He drops Louis' body to my feet and smiles.

“You went crazy. I'd never seen you like this. You started shooting.”

Joey shoots himself in the leg. He drops to the floor.

“I tried to stop you. I didn't want to, man...but.”

He lifts his gun up towards me. I turn to Lexi. She has gone. Who was going to stay with me?




Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.
Critiques for Week LXXIII: Where'd I Put My Club?

One last set of crits from me before the New Year, a new start, and a welcome bottle of champagne. Many of your Stone Age sci-fi entries were remarkable, for better or worse. Several contained no sci-fi. (Reading dense SF may occasionally feel like chewing stones, but that still doesn't count, The Leper Colon V.) One or two stories effectively or actually had no cavemen. Oh, Thunderdome! You never cease to amaze me.

SurreptitiousMuffin, "The Spinning Blade of Doom"

Starting us off on the right foot, we've got caveman sci-fi comedy in the vein of the comic you posted. I abjectly loathed the two occasions on which you failed to capitalize the first word of dialogue (what the hell), and that maelstrom the lawn mower fell from was the anal vortex. But you know? I didn't mind all that much. You can get away with a lot when you're amusing me. Unfortunately, the blue flowers weren't clear at all--my best guess was that they were sparks despite my never having seen a lawn mower throw off sparks. 'Course, I've never seen one revved by a caveman either.

Despite the errors driving me insane ('Narry,' Muffin? Narry?), this was in contention for my winning vote until sebmojo's story came in and trumped it for humor. It remained in my top three. The questions I couldn't shake--the flowers; how Bok lost his hand by getting too close to the back of the mower rather than the front--bothered me every time I went back to them, but I'm glad the story was here and glad that I read it.

Edit it, though, for the love all that's holy.

******************** *************

inthesto, "Master of Nature"

For the prompt 'stone age science fiction' you wrote a story that had no Stone Age, no cavemen, and no science fiction. Brilliant. You had my initial losing vote, second only to someone we'll get to shortly, not because the story was that bad--it's quite readable and somewhat interesting--but because you failed the prompt in every way. You didn't meet the challenge Seafood and crabrock set up. You dodged it entirely. For me, that's nearly as close as it gets to insta-loss. Flaky hosing half the prompt himself spared you.

Aside from the technicality question, you have a decent piece with a few flaws. The clause 'the weather was as clear as Petro's cowardice' makes my brow quirk because I haven't seen any particular cowardice from Petro. Caution and nervousness, sure, but those aren't the same, so it's like I'm being told something the text doesn't back up. '“He's lying!” The vibrations in the ground must have been stronger than Ivan realized, the way they reverberated all the way up to Petro's voice.' This is more confusing than it needs to be regarding who's speaking. You keep that detail a mystery until the end of a long sentence. I do like the way you let us know Petro's voice is shaking here, so I'd suggest a restructuring of the line rather than a replacement. 'Less than a minute had lapsed when Petro and his bodyguards found their spines' -- again, I never saw them lose their spines. Until the next sentences when they pale and run. But that's ostensibly after finding their backbones. So the paling and running is brave? You need to show Petro's cowardice in some effective way or else stop talking about it.

******************** *************

Roguelike, "The Gods Must Be Lonely"

This one's my favorite of the serious entries. Your time gate reminds me of the portal from Julian May's Saga of the Pliocene Exile without being a carbon copy of the concept. I gave more of a drat about Urga than any other character this week, and her morality is plausible and somewhat sympathetic; she beats a woman and child to death, but for her, at least, this is a religious rite and duty. The story ends on a turn that follows logically from her character and your premise.

The only quibbles I have are that 'Talltree,' 'Dogbreath,' and 'Urga' aren't exactly a matching set as names go--what's the deal with hers?--and that the chanting crowd brought to mind a Roman circus rather than cavemen. Regardless, it's a good, solid bit of fiction in only 500 words. Nice job.

******************** *************

The Leper Colon V, "The Sharp Rock"

Take a look at this story and reflect for a moment on the fact that it is a better and more worthy entry than yours.

You had no ambition in writing this that I can see. If you were going for comedy you missed the boat by a mile; 'this story is pointless, lol!' isn't a good punchline.

In addition to that, your telling of the joke is long and labored and doesn't hang together. 'Colv was not a very bright caveman. Oh, he thought he was, as the dim often do, but he most certainly was not.' Why tell us these things? You're about to show that Colv is dumb enough to chew on rocks, and his self-esteem isn't relevant. It's a poor opening. Your premise is that Colv's teeth can chew rock, but then they can't break a thin, narrow piece that ought to be more brittle. He dies, and the reader has not the least cause to care.

The core of Thunderdome is telling stories. Good ones, bad ones, but stories that have a reason to exist. All the smacktalk and kayfabe would be meaningless without performance. Turning in stuff that neither shows your mettle, rises to a challenge, provides a moral, shares an idea, entertains, nor anything else only wastes your time as well as ours. Here's the bright side: your story for your brawl with Mercedes is a story, so there may be hope for you if you do more of that and less of whatever this was supposed to be.

******************** *************

Purple Prince, "Timê"

While 'garbage' may be strong, I can't make heads or tails of your story, so I'll still be setting it out on the metaphorical curb come trash day. As far as I can tell, your religious caveman discovers that the altar to Rhea has cracked in two--or is a machine that has split in two, one or the other--and it now leaks a black, acidic substance that leaves him paralyzed by pain from a fingertip contact. He meets a space Viking with laser eyes. It speaks some characters I don't recognize, though maybe they're supposed to be 'Timê,' and then shoots him with his laser fist.

It doesn't make a lot of sense.

You were probably caught by the problems in trying to show everything from the caveman's point of view. Of course the caveman doesn't understand what's going on--but the reader still needs to, so you need to find a way to let us in on the secret. What is the black acid? What are the wings on the bearded man's head? I assume he's a man and not a robot since he has a beard. He sounds mechanical otherwise, so maybe it's the facial hair that needs explaining. I don't know what you were after with the odd characters; I missed the meaning entirely.

I'm skeptical too of cavemen with organized religion, even though I like the choice of Rhea, the Titan mother of Zeus and a fitting goddess for pre-history. The whole doesn't work for me, although at least it's clearly caveman sci-fi and clearly an attempt to tell a tale.

******************** *************

Obliterati, "Here Set Big Precedent"

I think you were trying for comedy too. You didn't get there. The corporate-engineer caveman is a character that could be used for humor, but he's not inherently funny to me, and I say this as someone who's read and laughed at a lot of Dilbert. Worse, I was seriously distracted by the question of what Bright Hots were (fire on a stick) and what they had to do with the animal stampede (he set the trees on fire, right? But what happened to the fire? Shouldn't the cavemen either be running or burning to death?). It feels like this situation could be comical; as it's written, it isn't. So you end up with a dull entry that doesn't have much to offer.

The switching between 'Brother Ag' and 'Mad Ag' bemuses me slightly. It would make sense if the protagonist thought of him as Brother Ag and Big Man addressed him as Mad Ag, but then he shouldn't be Mad Ag in the final line.

******************** *************

No Longer Flaky, "Grug's Harvest"

Strike one: you went over the word count with your initial entry. Strike two: you edited your initial entry. I'm inclined to cut some slack for this since that rule isn't in the OP of the thread in which it was entered, but not a lot. Strike three: the story is bad. You went the Flintstones route in terms of cavemen living modern life with a Stone Age twist, but you didn't bother to make the cameras anything other than actual cameras. Candid Camera is not science fiction, furthermore. Much as I disliked inthesto dodging the prompt as he did, writing this crit changed my mind about whose sins were worse.

That tiger isn't even a sabre-tooth. The Stone Age trappings really are paper thin. The ending is almost as much of a pratfall as the death in The Leper Colon V's story.

The writing's clumsy too. Look at this: 'Lank, on the other side of the bushes, said “I don’t know, she just mentioned it last night when we were watching Real Cavewives of the Chieftains,” Lank said.' Ignoring for a moment the missing comma after the first 'said,' you've got 'Lank said' twice in the same sentence. In the first paragraph, 'dying ululations' suggests death howls rather than sounds that are fading away. 'Grugs eyes' needs an apostrophe. In '“Come on Lank, it’s time to get going.” Grug said,' the period after 'going' should be a comma. That is an ongoing problem with your dialogue. 'They were heading eastward' is a lot more passive than 'They headed eastward' and burns a precious word beside. In the sentence containing 'Grug asked and he,' there should likely be a comma after 'asked,' as the clause that follows is independent. Etc.; you may want to ask the Farm for grammar pointers if these errors aren't a result of a last-minute rush job.

Keep competing. Your loss is fully deserved, but there's honor in it: you tried.

******************** *************

Tyrannosaurus, "The Old Ways are the Best Ways"

I started liking yours once I got past the first paragraph and its rampant invocation of skybeetles. It would help to cut the 'gently caress Tenfingers' sentiment, since that callous aspect of Crooknose's character doesn't have anything to do with anything or come into play again. You'd lose one of the mentions of skybeetles with it! Bonus!

It's a decent read, but I don't buy your cavemen at all thanks to the vocabulary you gave them. "I think we should investigate the skybeetle." "Will you jump, O Sacrifice? [...] Or must you be assisted?" This dialogue is quite articulate for Stone Age humanity. A lighter humorous story could pull off that kind of disconnect, but yours is more a serious story with streaks of black comedy. It doesn't work. I hope you meant to write a serious-with-black-humor-streaks piece rather than a full-blown comedy. I like the ending in which everyone dies, but it's not very funny--if you're out for nothing but laughs, you may need to reconsider it.

******************** *************

Fumblemouse, "The Ethical Caveman"

Your writing's solid and your premise isn't half bad. A shame you cluttered it up with ExcessivePortmanteaus. Mileage is going to vary on this one, but I didn't like them at all, and your first paragraph is rife with the things. I got sick of them fast--and since BluntSpear changes his name to Bluntspear midway through, maybe you did too. You do get points for trying to get into a caveman mindset and differentiate it from a modern human viewpoint; a few of the other competitors could take a cue.

The word choices still jarred me out of the story here and there. It looks like you tried to keep to vocabulary a caveman would reasonably understand in the portmanteaus and outside of them, but then I'd see a phrase like 'His own deflected force' and wonder if BluntSpear was a Neanderthal Einstein or what. Other offenders: 'reciprocate,' 'sprained wrist,' and most egregiously, 'ethical.' In the latter case he could be repeating what he was told, but it's an odd word for him to remember if he doesn't understand it. It all didn't quite fit, though I appreciate your effort.

It's an okay piece, safely in the upper middle, but it got soundly licked by an entry with stronger characterization.

******************** *************

JuniperCake, "Saving Utopia"

Okay, never in all my life have I seen a skinny person who looked like a worm. You outright mention the juts of bone! That's bizarre. Your entry improved from there, but that's damning with faint praise. Still, I didn't mind this one. The message is about as subtle as a brick to the face and about as fresh and original as that simile, but I liked the direction you took your ending.

Where's the science fiction, though? 'Human flesh is tasty' fulfills the 'a caveman discovers something new' option, but 'write it like a scifi novel' was part of that option, and you fell down there. You also ran into the same problem as Tyrannosaurus, in my opinion: I'm not buying 'Then that’s your own fault for submitting. Submitting to nature' as caveman dialogue or sentiment, and your story's serious, so you don't get humor's get-out-of-plausibility-free card. These people are too modern for their setting. See again my comment re: morals, bricks.

******************** *************

Sitting Here, "The Garden of Ego"

Hey, it's an episode of The Twilight Zone! I think I've seen this one! I kid, but only just. There's a very TZ feel to this piece, and in this case that's not so much of a compliment, because what you've written is only a step removed in concept from those hokey 'Adam and Eve were from space!!' scripts. On the plus side, you've made the idea less cheesy than TZ ever managed. The writing is good; the use of two different names/titles of God for your protagonist and antagonist got my attention straight away.

I ranked this about even with Tyrannosaurus's piece despite the superior writing because your shot landed to the left of the prompt. Cavemen discover knowledge of good and evil here, but that's not what the story's about. The Stone Age people are objects, not characters, in the argument between El and Adonai. A good read; an iffier entry.

******************** *************

sebmojo, "Hunter-Gatherer's Delight"

Drug stories are not to my taste; pot is not insta-funny to me; you managed to make me like this thing anyway. You're a wily one, sebmojo. To be fair, it's the cussing, cantankerous caveman and his color-naming ways that amused me most, and character and tone are where your magic lies here--and I still laughed when Boz's stick became the proto-bong.

Your story most of all illustrates how words like 'prognathous' and dubiously accurate Neanderthal dialogue such as 'loving stupid idiot fuckhead' can be as great in comedy as they are crippling in anything else. The contrast between the typical caveman speech and Boz calling his nephew a Neanderthal numbnuts is funny. In a humorous story that serves your purpose, gives it appeal, so it works.

This was my second choice for the win, but I have one complaint: the 'Danknug' pun doesn't work unless the K in Dan-Knug isn't silent. What's an illiterate society doing with silent letters anyway? Now I'm over-thinking it, and that can only lead to sorrow.

Kaishai fucked around with this message at 04:40 on Jan 13, 2014

Mar 21, 2010
The flowers were literal blue flowers ya nob. He was looking for flowers for his ladyfriend and then he saw them coming out the back of the lawnmower, so he reached under to find the hidden flower-source. He didn't notice them in the first place because he's kinda dumb like that.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

The flowers were literal blue flowers ya nob. He was looking for flowers for his ladyfriend and then he saw them coming out the back of the lawnmower, so he reached under to find the hidden flower-source. He didn't notice them in the first place because he's kinda dumb like that.


what is this poo poo in my thread

you come back here muffin you are so getting your nose rubbed in it

Mar 21, 2010
yo wassup im comin for ya

autism ZX spectrum
Feb 7, 2007

by Lowtax
Fun Shoe
a dumb bully is making me sign up

No Longer Flaky
Nov 16, 2013

by Lowtax
I'm in.

Jan 26, 2013
Let's make this a great year for the dome.

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?
Hello new thread. I've been an absentee parent for much of 2013, so allow me to ring in 2014 by performing the noble sacrifice of offering to be judge #3.

I loving hate judging, so don't make me regret this :argh:

petrol blue
Feb 9, 2013

sugar and spice
ethanol slammers
Yeah, go on then, I'll inflict some word vomit on you all.

Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW
It's a new year, Father Janus looks both forward and back.

Role reversal - I'm in.

Dec 17, 2003

Stand down, men! It's only smooching!

I'm in with a :toxx: since I didn't submit the last time I wrote!


Black Griffon
Mar 12, 2005

Now, in the quantum moment before the closure, when all become one. One moment left. One point of space and time.

I know who you are. You are destiny.


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