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SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


I RETURN FROM BREAKFAST, HAVING SUPPED UPON THE COFFEE AND CONSUMED THE DANISH.


ENTRIES CLOSED.

somebody get an interprompt up before the peanut gallery arrives

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Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER



200 words, quadriplegics and buried treasure.

CommissarMega
Nov 18, 2008


Sorry, won't be able to submit; I've been sick as poo poo for the past few days (protip: roadside food ISN'T), and physical diarrhea isn't conducive to writing, sorry.

EDIT: Well, that'll learn me to keep a tab open for a while.

Cache Cab
Feb 21, 2014


Drat! Had some things come up this weekend. Still, better late than never.

Does this mean I can't lose, since I'm past the deadline? I'd still like some crits, if the judges are up to it.


Vector

Richard was watching his family sleep. The moon was high and pale over the hollywood hills. At night, you could almost pretend that all the mansions and celebrity compounds were still in tact, and maybe the power was just out.

Shannon moaned “Steve” in her sleep and Richard sneered to himself. Next to her, the children--Chase and Madison--slept peacefully in the little lean-to that Richard had constructed out of particleboard and the side of a broke down Toyota.

He noticed the Signs on Shannon somewhere around 5 A.M: a light crusting of the discharge around the nostrils...the slightly ragged breathing...the telltale blue tinge in her normally healthy, round cheeks. No one had ever heard of Jaagsiekte until it made the leap from sheep to their shepherds.

It all started in Scotland, though patient zero had never been conclusively identified. Jaagsiekte was the cancerous consequence of a retrovirus that was transmitted through herds of domestic sheep, particularly those kept in tight quarters. Usually it was transmitted through the air, and had never before been a threat to humans. But there was another method for the lung-destroying contagion...bodily fluids...and it was supposed by the scientific community and the C.D.C. that this was how the “Shepherd’s Cough” made the leap from sheep to human kind.

Richard shook his head. Goddamned sheep fuckers, he thought.

The epidemic had claimed just shy of one hundred lives before it was squelched out for good, or so the western world had thought. Maybe the Shepherd’s cough had thrived on in some remote community. Maybe a totally divergent strain had infected the humans of the third world. Whatever the cause, the Cough got a second chance at humanity and it didn’t waste it.

Last time Richard and his family had been near anything resembling civilization, the reports coming in from what was left of the pentagon said that a full third of the Earth’s population had been wiped out; livestock wasn’t spared either. Somehow the virus had gone from sheep to humans to cows and pigs and horses.

Richard shook his head again as though he were willing thoughts out of his mind. Goddamned animal fuckers, he thought.

“Yes Steve, right there,” Shannon moaned as she slept next to she and Richard’s children, blood of their blood, flesh of their flesh. Her sleeping breaths came weezily as the disease started its dirty work in her lungs.

The affair wouldn’t have ever ended, Richard knew, had the world not ended first. At least “Steve” was probably a bloated carcass somewhere.

Shannon sighed in her sleep, sighed and spewed out invisible bits of disease vector. The open air and the wind of the Hollywood Hills meant that the kids weren’t too much at risk, but suppose they found themselves in close quarters? Suppose one of the kids got too close to mom, maybe to give her a kiss on the cheek, or a reassuring hug? Before the epidemic, the whole family unit had been in danger of dissolving, due to Shannon’s unsubtle proclivities toward infidelity. The kids were old enough to be aware that something was amiss.

Ironically, the end of society as they knew it had brought the family closer together than they had been in years. Chase and Madison had been especially well behaved: going to get firewood without being asked, talking very little, never bickering with each other.

Richard wondered if Shannon had inherited the Cough from Steve’s semen.

He made a choice.

Softly, quietly, he made his way over to the side of the lean-to closest to where his children slept. Wordlessly, he prodded them awake, putting a shushing finger over his lips as they opened sleepy eyes and looked up at him.

“Come on guys, I’ve got to show you something,” Richard said.

The kids crawled out of the meager shelter, looking doubtfully back at their mother. The space between her upper lip and her nose was coated with tell-tale mucus now. Richard had to work to keep the disgust off his face.

“Come on, it’s just down the hill. Mom wouldn’t like it, so I’ve got to show you while she’s sleeping.”

With any luck, he and the kids could put ten or fifteen untraceable miles between them and Shannon.

Hours later, the sun rose. Richard and the kids were miles away.

Now you can be with Steve foreverI, Richard thought as he trudged onward and imagined two bloated and ungrateful corpses wrapped in each other’s arms, coughing and coughing and coughing.

Still, the kids would be better off. They cast him furtive looks as they walked, but said nothing. Maybe they’d known their mom was sick long before Richard did.

Yeah, he thought. The kids will be better off this wayI.

The sun rose on the Hollywoood Hills, and where there was not the stink of death, there was the coughing of the unwanted and the adulterous.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

It means you can't win. You can still lose.

Some Guy TT
Aug 30, 2011


All you pansies that failed better turn in potential losers. I've survived too long to die here because no one can read instructions.

Lucky Louie Finds Some Treasure
(128 words)

Crimson Taylor lounged lazily in his armchair, stringing his guitar. With a wrenching look of disgust his goons tossed the disgusting failure in front of the throne. Crimson Taylor pick up a candy from the bowl and tossed it at the failure's face.

"What the gently caress is this?"

"A...uh...brown M&M sir."

"And what did the loving contract say about brown M&M's?"

"I...don't know?"

"Read the loving contract you dipshit! People die if I go on concert with a stage that's managed by loving imbeciles!"

Crimson Taylor snapped his fingers and a huge itchy muscular goon appeared from the shadows. Crimson Taylor walked to the door.

"If Lucky Louie here finds any more treasure in that bowl...well, let's just say that it was in the contract."

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


A small note as I read these stories:

I'm furious that you're all so terrible actually really impressed with the quality of the word so far. Not there aren't stinkers, but overall this is a really good week and y'all should go back and check out everybody else's stories. There's a lot of cool stuff in there. I thought I was going to get a lot of bland boring knights in armour being grimdark and boring technobabble technobabble hard sci-fi but instead I got a really interesting mixed bag of distinctive, well-written stories.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


The downside of this is that you might've written the best thing you've ever written, but we're grading on a curve and somebody had to go and memorize the whole textbook.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


RESULTS



It's been an interesting week. I was expecting a stream of unrelenting crap inlaid with the occasional gem, but what I got was a stream of, well, not gems, but fairly clean water with only a little bit of piss in it. That said, there's gotta be winners and losers. By unanimous vote, the winner was Crabrock, who took a deliberately lovely prompt and wrote the weirdest loving thing I've ever seen in the 'Dome. It's beautiful, strange and heart wrenching. We were all taken aback by it and there was no real debate as to the winner. Congrats man, you really blew us away.

Honourable Mentions go to Kaishai, who wrote well but played it a tad too safe; Djeser, who pulled at our heart strings but could've used a stronger plot, and LOU BEGAS MOUSTACHE, who needs to go easy on the angst but nonetheless made excellent use of the genre and told a great story.

Alas dear dome, it cannot all be beautiful, and a few turds floated down our metaphorical judging river. Starr, who not only wrote the millionth "spaceship takes off or lands while people talk" story we had to read this week managed to have absolutely no suspense, nor characters worth caring for; Jitsu the Monk who wrote a terrible DnD campaign come to life and Some Guy TT, who doesn't understand how science works. The loser, surprising absolutely nobody, was Cache Cab. Horribly late, containing multiple errors in spelling, punctuation and grammar and not actually a piece of science fiction or fantasy (how hard was that?), it truly is the cream of the crap.

That's us. Crabrock, take it away.

The actual scores:

quote:

Crabrock 1.0
LOU BEGAS MOUSTACHE 3.0
Djeser 3.3
Kaishai 3.7
The Blunderbuss 7
Anomalous Blowout 7.7
Tyrannosaurus 8.7
Obliterati 9.3
Walamor 9.7
DocBeard 9.7
Grizzled Patriarch 10
ZeBourgeiose 10.3
Jagermonster 11.3
systran 12.7
Helsing 14.0
Entenzahn 16.0
Meeple 17.7
Anathema Device 18.3
December Octopodes 19.0
Fuschia Tude 20.7
Barracuda Bang! 21.7
Paladinus 22.0
Noah 22.3
Hammer Bro 24.0
kurona_bright 24.3
satsui no thankyou 24.7
starr 25.0
Jitzu the Monk 26.0
Some Guy TT 27.7
Cache Cab 28.7
I'll explain exactly how the numbers work below, if you want to use this system for your own judging.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


MUFFIN'S EASY-PEASY PATENTED INTERNET FICTION SCORING SYSTEM

When people started pouring in to sign up this week, I freaked out. "How the gently caress am I going to mark all these pieces in time without inciting a revolt in the 'dome? How am I going to get two other people to do the same thing?" Then I remembered a system I've used a couple of times in CC, mostly for the big monthly contests that have money or prizes on the line. People can get a bit lovely about "I just liked it more I guess" in those, and swiftness is always a plus. It works like this:

YOU WILL NEED

3 JUDGES
1 CALCULATOR
SOME STORIES

WHAT YOU DO

1) once all the entries are in, each judge goes away, reads them, then ranks them first to last.
2) first place is 1 point, second place is 2 points and so on and so forth. This week was out of 30: the best possible score was 1, the worst possible score was 30.
3) judges come back together, add up their totals for each entrant, then divide by 3.
4) head judge confers with other judges, then adds/subtracts bonus points for spelling/attitude/handjobs
5) the winner is the person with the least points, and the loser is the person with the most points.
6) there is no step 6.




party on, dudes

SurreptitiousMuffin fucked around with this message at Oct 6, 2014 around 10:22

Cache Cab
Feb 21, 2014


Well, I think I have to be the bigger man in this case and admit that I am disappointed in these results. I honestly don't think my story was the worst one out of the bunch, but like I said, I will man up and accept my fate. How do I go about picking a prompt? Are there guidelines or do I just pick whatever I want?

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Cache Cab posted:

How do I go about picking a prompt? Are there guidelines or do I just pick whatever I want?

You... don't.

Blade_of_tyshalle
Jul 12, 2009

If you think that, along the way, you're not going to fail... you're blind.

There's no one I've ever met, no matter how successful they are, who hasn't said they had their failures along the way.



You want to pick a prompt? Step one is win.

magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER


I failed. I'm getting laid off this Thursday, so, the weekend was a lot of OH gently caress, and very little writing.

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


Cache Cab posted:

Well, I think I have to be the bigger man in this case and admit that I am disappointed in these results. I honestly don't think my story was the worst one out of the bunch, but like I said, I will man up and accept my fate. How do I go about picking a prompt? Are there guidelines or do I just pick whatever I want?

lol

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


first hm \o/

also f u crabrock for beating me. i took this advice from you though and it worked out p well

crabrock posted:

of course, that is boring to read, but it's clear. Try using simple, short sentences that are either a simple clause, like above, or two simple clauses put together with a conjunction. "Her pants were green, and she loved the color green." Don't try to be too fancy with language, don't be vague, don't be pretty. That stuff comes AFTER you learn to say what you mean. When I first came to the dome, I tried to write too pretty. It was only after I stripped that all down and learned to write a simple declarative sentence that I could add a little back in. I still say I err on the side of "talking plainly" at the cost of "this is interesting to read," but usually people understand what I was saying.

it wasnt directed at me but i gave it a shot

anime was right fucked around with this message at Oct 6, 2014 around 14:21

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Cache Cab, once again your complete and total failure to possess any reading comprehension skills gets you into hot water.





Please read what people write. Don't just skim it: read it and process it. That way you won't keep making really dumb mistakes about timezones or prompts or the basic rules of this thread as they have been in play for over three years now and almost nobody else have ever messed up.

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


Hey on the bright side at least he gets a much better avatar for free

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

weirdest loving thing I've ever seen in the 'Dome

I'll take it.

TD CXIV: Missed Catnections



My wife invited a couple over for dinner, because that is a grown up thing and I am grown up as gently caress. Unfortunately, I was not done with my story by the time our guests arrived. "But I have internet things to do!" isn't a valid excuse for skipping ADULT things so I had to bribe my wife. I told her if she gave me 10 more minutes to finish up my story and post it, I'd let her choose the prompt on the off-chance I won. Then I told people in IRC about it, so now I have to stick to it.

Hope you guys like cats.

And dongs.

Cause this a two-parter prompt.

The first part of your sign up is to include a craigslist missed connection post from your local area. What are those? Oh man, you are in for an amazing treat. Missed Connections is where shy/creepy people go to post about how they totally saw a cute girl at safeway when she was buying batteries. They get home and think "I totally could have hosed that battery girl," and so they post on the internet about it. They are some of my favorite things to read.

When you signup, include a full copy-paste of your craigslist missed connection post, as well as the link. Because of their often creepy nature, they're sometimes deleted. For posterity, copy the entire text of your choice into the thread. Then link it as well so everybody can go see it in its natural habitat.

USE YOUR LOCAL CRAIGSLIST. If you don't have a local, choose the closest thing to you.

The second part is relatively easy, but will be hard to pull off in a competent, unique manner.

You must include a cute animal gif when you sign up. Then your story must encompass this gif AND THE MISSED CONNECTION somehow. It doesn't have to be literal, so if you have a bunch of baby tigers play fighting, your story could involve innocent sibling rivalry.

So sign up, and post your craigslist story and cute animal gif.

Because craigslist missed connections often don't tell the whole story, I'm not expecting an entire story this week. That's right, you vignette lovers can step right up. Just make me happy I read your submission, and we won't get caught up on resolution (most missed connections have no resolution. they exist in a vacuum.)

Signup Deadline: Friday, 11:59 PM EST
Submission Deadline: Monday, 8:00 AM EST
Wordcount: 750

Judges:
crabrock
Thalamas
Walamor

Missed Connections:
1. Anomalous Blowout - Toilet Sucker / Rapey Parrot
2. Entenzahn - Big Bus Ticket Seller / Comfort Cat
3. Jitzu_the_Monk - Johnson Lake Snake Hero / Bitey Snake
4. Quidnose - Help Me Find Melissa Pliano / Smoking Dog
5. Cache Cab - Cowboy Hiker / Cuddly Puppies
6. Your Sledgehammer - Penpal Inmate / Bitch Slap
7. thehomemaster - Red Kindle Falterer / Altruistic Cat
8. Chairchucker the disrespectful - Pleasant Lady / Toilet Paper Hedgehog
9. Mercedes - Guy I Jacked With / No Deal Llama
10. Fuschia tude -Holla Rib Back Girl / A Ball too Far
11. N. Senada - Security Guard / Sleepy Dog
12. Grizzled Patriarch - Lost Walmart Boy / Mommy and Baby Bird
13. Phobia - Some boring poo poo / Little Dog Big Dog Flash rule: character named wiggles who is not WINO (wiggles in name only)
14. LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE - Wish I Could See You / 'Coon Bandit
15. Broenheim - Causality Violator Device / Red Pandas
16. Some Guy TT - Big Hug / Pussy Lickin'
17. Djeser - Hoping to Know You / Hyenas
18. Tyrannosaurus - Peach Shorts Girl / Monkey Johnny Cash
19. Kaishai - God Spell / Deer Bus
20. Sitting Here - Fear of Limits / Toilet Cat



HORRIBLE FAILURES THAT SIGNED UP AND THEN WERE LIKE NEVERMIND I'M TOO BUSY:
Djeser. Ruined what would have been a perfect week. gently caress YOU DJESER.

crabrock fucked around with this message at Oct 13, 2014 around 14:27

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

There is no prize for signing up first. Take a while to read missed connections. Write down your fav, check back another day, etc. Don't rush into the first creep you run across. Find something INTERESTING

Paladinus
Jan 11, 2014



crabrock posted:

There is no prize for signing up first. Take a while to read missed connections. Write down your fav, check back another day, etc. Don't rush into the first creep you run across. Find something INTERESTING

There are literally no ads for me in 500 km radius. Can I just pick whatever European city has a substantial amount of missed connections instead? I feel like I'm not the only one with that problem.

Hammer Bro.
Jul 7, 2007

THUNDERDOME LOSER

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Hammer Bro. 24.0 / 30.0

Nnnghgh. Lucky you folks I wrote the majority of these up last night. Now I'm going to go yell at computers, which behave in a much more predictable fashion (out to thwart me 100% of the time).

December Octopodes - Common problems with style (commas and apostrophes where they shouldn't be). Copious amounts of telling, as opposed to showing, which flattens the affect of the piece. "The scenes that followed ran together" -- you read my mind. You might have potential if you can make all those Proper Nouns interesting or relevant, but right now they feel tacked on and more distracting than immersive. Perhaps you've got a penchant for world-building, but there's much work to be done on the storytelling. (Oof, just read your prompt. Stating the obvious does not make one perspicacious.)

Jitzu_the_Monk - Might want to brush up on the rules with regard to punctuation and capitalization around quotes. So you've just shown the protagonist not being humble (getting vexed, biting her lip) and had her say repeatedly that she is humble. There had better be some character growth here. Hmm, okay, failure instead. A bit preachy with a liberal sprinkling of minor technical errors. A bunch of descriptors that, for the most part, did not outright offend me, but did little to contribute anything meaningful. Reminds me of the kind of stories I'll pick up between attempts at reading Literature: goes down homogeneously and quickly and is almost completely forgotten by the time my brain has recovered. I suppose your on-prompt insight is that humility is good if you have magic powers?

Helsing - So I clicked on that link, but I'm not sure how it's going to be relevant. I now hope the story will be about the '80s; that dude's hair is totally boss. Was that the intent? Agh, you didn't post a word count, but you're dangerously close to breaking it. I'm not sure if `wc -w` counts hyphens or not so I'm letting you off the hook for now. Is that third sentence training for a marathon? Traditionally, when you introduce someone not-yet-named with "when he saw her", it's for a first impression. Took me a moment to buck that expectation. The last paragraph in the first section is the first thing that has interested me; I doubt the entire volume of words before it were necessary to engender that interest. I may be wrong, but I think one of the big hurdles in cryopreservation is the formation of ice crystals during the freezing/thawing process. If we could freeze/thaw people faster (not slower), there would be less cellular damage. I actually liked the overall idea, but I don't think anyone's lack of foresight was surprising. There's some fat to be trimmed, but the core idea of harvested convicts which are also sleeping murder-zombies is interesting.

satsui no thankyou - You got your virtue ever so slightly wrong and please give your stories proper titles. You don't want me thinking already that the author didn't care about the piece. You also left out the word count (a minor no-no) and edited your post (a rather more serious gaffe). The flow is almost reasonable, but you really need to learn what "it's" means (and what it doesn't). Augh, seriously. The ending doesn't mean to me what I think you meant it to. First, I'm only assuming by trope that the sanctum door was an airlock. But even if it were, you'd said earlier that it was "too late to stop the [black hole] engine". So I have no idea what the significance of the final act is since everybody's about to die anyway. On that note, who got defended? The people who are about to be swallowed up by gravity? Also I can't get over the "it's"es.

Hammer Bro. - So sleek, so bold! Turning a story in early without using the extra word count, surely you are some kind of letter-arranging prodigy! Your out-of-story prose needs some work, though. Also nobody knows what's going on most of the time. (Edit: nor do they like what they see.)

Jagermonster - Huh. That was actually mostly well written. You might've been a little hasty at the end (a few minor technical errors in quick succession), but it read smoothly and consistently overall. Most importantly, I can tell both that Gare had a jovial and easygoing affect and also that it was significant. I won't quite say virtuous, since he didn't get killed those bandits who hadn't yet irrevocably indicated that they'd kill him. Still, highly on-prompt and generally pleasant (although probably not memorable).

LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE - Starting off strong. Kami has been somewhere interesting and is moving somewhere purposefully. Ooh, nice chilly subtlety. (Okay, it has ceased being subtle.) Another good story with a novel mechanic. I don't have a whole lot to say about this one. I liked the perpetual decay of the King's teeth. I felt you repeated a few details a little too often for my taste. There are elements of this one that I will remember, though, so kudos on the creativity and execution.

starr - Likable, but rough. You could've gotten more pop out of more specific word choices ("It had been a long flight from the nearby star system." -> "It had been a long flight from Arcturus.") and fewer already-implied details ("The passenger starship Ion 4 reached the inner solar system of Solerus around 15:00 Galactic Time, and the destination planet Orius finally came into view in the cockpit of the ship." -> "Ion 4 reached inner Solerus at 15:00 Galactic Time, and Orius finally came into view of the cockpit."). Adequate use of the prompt. Not much in the story to make me care for the characters, though, so it's no big deal when they die.

ZeBourgeoisie - I was just wondering if this was SF/Fantasy when you got to the eyes. You have a few odd word choices that don't flow well to me, and what appear to be a few errors. I know it's goofy, but try reading your piece aloud: you'll catch them. You keep mixing "it" and "her". Not sure what the judges will say as to this virtue-used-as-vice. Interesting concept and well scoped, but very rough around the edges.

theblunderbuss - "She'd never been afraid of him. Thrakk respected that. Not now, not then." structurally implies that he not respected that now and not respected that then. You'd be better off swapping the last two sentences. Several orcs died. Excellent use of the prompt, at having few words convey relatively many events. I've got some empathy for the characters, but they'll soon be forgotten. This story didn't have anything particularly novel to pique my interests.

docbeard - "to interest herself in waking"? To motivate herself to wake? Heh, I can associate with having to use crappy equipment. Intermittent technical errors. You weren't kiddin' about that 1,000 words, although your word-counting software seems smarter around ellipses than mine. You've told me a few times that fear motivates the character, but I didn't feel it when you attempted to show me.

systran - I still grinned at the ball-kick, but a little more subtlety about the wording and I probably would've audibly laughed. Cute and simple, you've probably got decent chops if that's what you're rushing out. Not much to say other than smirkable and on-topic.

crabrock - Uh, hmm. The humor was hit or miss. Makes sense given the mood of the protagonist, who has a characteristically female given name. I'm honestly not seeing why all those people crushed him and, to some extent, themselves. Seems as on-prompt as that prompt gets.

Djeser - Decent setup. Leon? Mostly endearing. A little hard to immediately tell that Noah's gun was slag because it fired (as opposed to having been fired upon). The story does what it was tasked to do quite nicely, although a little on the trite side.

Kaishai - Oof. A good take on an old concept, and very well written despite the word limit. Worst I can say is that I would've enjoyed it more if it were longer -- some of the emotions you were going for felt a little hurried.

Paladinus - Single quotes, eh? I don't think I'll be giving your story a lot of attention, since it seems like you didn't either. Pretty heavy on the technical errors and rather melo on the drama. I hope you were pressed for time.

Obliterati - Spitting to clear fog -- nice specific. Refreshing prose, decent pacing, fixed typos. Knew the statue was of Grandfather as soon as you said it was humanoid. A little more into tricking me to think he was dead would've helped the end impactfully. Enjoyable, but not lingering. Magnificence doesn't strike me as significant thematically in this one.

Anathema Device - So the zombies in general are persistent. The main character is patient. There's a bit of tension in his situation. But I don't really feel this well exploring the prompt. Also the sentient zombies and [un?]undead offspring felt more tacked on than thought-provoking.

Entenzahn - Unusual prompt you've got. I can definitely see it in action. However, I don't feel much empathy for the king (he's a jerk), and little more for the daughter (she's secondary). So jerk king loses daughter I'm not attached to; only tragic in principle.

Tyrannosaurus - Sixteen generations of Robert Forte? Tell me more. Huh. Mildly amusing, but utterly expected. Pig doesn't work, pig doesn't work, pig... doesn't work. I suppose there's nothing more to see here.

Meeple - Well, you go somewhere with it. But you hadn't well enough made me feel Vassily's anguish to make me believe an action of that magnitude. Also, seems like something strong enough to kill everyone on the planet would not result in the immediate regrowth of plant life.

Anomalous Blowout - Good man: no ban. Nice opening imagery. The story goes down easily enough, but it's hard to make readers empathize with a bad-man protagonist. I get that he wasn't really a bad man initially, and there are interesting philosophical arguments one could possibly make around such alterations, but even before the second strike I felt like the wife was better off without him. So the second strike barely rated a smirk. Acceptable use of the prompt, although this one could've led to more interesting places. But sickness sucks, so it's good you got something in. Also, not SF/Fantasy?

Barracuda Bang! - Mildly spunky, but not a lot happens. There's some dialogue, a minor reveal, and success without a sense of danger. Well written for low stakes? Be more ambitious next time -- give me some reason to want to read more.

Noah - A tricky prompt leads to a tricky interpretation. The lingering ghosts are interesting, although mostly in that they remind me of a different story I read with a similar premise. I'm not really buying that Caitlin is angry enough to commit murder, though. And the violent coughing was a detail, but how was it important?

kurona_bright - I like how the Ence rune is flaunted then explained. But not explained well enough for the misunderstanding to pack its full punch. It's not obvious enough that Earl is angry about, he thinks, being mesmerized into friendship. And although you've told me more than once that Renault (strange name for a goblin) is powerful, you presumably could've shown it better. There's, hmm, a medium amount of compassion in this story.

Grizzled Patriarch - Nice start. Intriguing and twisted thing for the lieutenant to do. It seems like Emily hasn't yet earned wisdom, though. Good for a short piece, although I would've felt worse for her at the end if I'd felt worse for her in the beginning. The suicide was brushed aside, both to the reader and by the protagonist. Also seems fairly present-day.

Some Guy TT - Yep, rushed indeed. Hard to believe Mr. Monroe would even be able to convert one other planet with his poor abilities. And that he studied rhetoric in school? Ugh, agh. Lots of ick. I'm moving on.

Fuschia tude - Hah. A documented medical case of the uglies. I like it. Some decent descriptors, and acceptable use of transliterated garbled speech. That's a strange way for a man to take himself out, though I suppose I can believe his motivations.

Walamor - Got some technical mishaps there. Decent concept of elemental priests, and I suppose I believe the motivations of the characters, but the second half of the piece feels forced. Reading from some script as opposed to having emotional reactions.

Cache Cab - Disease that was wiped out and came back? Yes. Critical thinking? Nooooo. I mean, I guess he makes some angry deductions, but if you're already late then what's the harm in proofreading? Things feel a little too normal for an end-of-most-of-the-world scenario. The logical elements all fit together, at least, although writing a bitter, angry protagonist that readers care about is a tall order.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

Paladinus posted:

There are literally no ads for me in 500 km radius. Can I just pick whatever European city has a substantial amount of missed connections instead? I feel like I'm not the only one with that problem.

yeah, just pick something then. I realize non americans might have some trouble. they should use their judgement to decide which place is best. I'm not a complete butthole. pick something unique though! don't pick from where somebody else in the thread lives. I want flavors of weirdness from all over the globe!

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Cache Cab posted:

Well, I think I have to be the bigger man in this case and admit that I am disappointed in these results. I honestly don't think my story was the worst one out of the bunch, but like I said, I will man up and accept my fate. How do I go about picking a prompt? Are there guidelines or do I just pick whatever I want?

I am genuinely curious as to what sort of prompt we would get in this bizarro world you apparently live in

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

i'll post the rest of my war week crits before submissions close

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Hammer Bro. posted:

Nnnghgh. Lucky you folks I wrote the majority of these up last night. Now I'm going to go yell at computers, which behave in a much more predictable fashion (out to thwart me 100% of the time).

Thanks, Hammer Bro.--for my own crit and in general. You've dished up several sets of bonus crits now, and that is a supremely cool thing to do.

Rrarr blood eat your eyes kayfabe etc.

Anomalous Blowout
Feb 13, 2006

I crashed Thunderdome's 6th Birthday and all I got was this av!

Welp, I'm in. And this is literally the only missed connection ad on my entire island:

Ladies and gentlemen: Toilet Sucker.

toilet sucker posted:

hey im looking for the guy who sucked me off and swallowed my load in kyle park toilets and wanted me to gently caress you but I was too shy that was the best blowjob EVER!!! and im not shy now so if you wanna meet again im always here and ill stick it in this time

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why didn't you invest in
Thunderdome?


I am taking the only existing MC in my glorious home country Austria-Hungary.

Big Bus tour ticket seller

quote:

Big Bus tour ticket seller - handsome gentleman - m4m - 35 (Budapest)
I met you when I took the Big Bus tour and bought a ticket from you.
You wear sunglasses. Handsome gentleman. Dark brown complexion. Very friendly.
I asked you where you from, you said you came originally from outside of Europe and married a local girl.
I wish I could invite you for a few drinks when I come back to Budapest soon.
Please email me here.

Anomalous Blowout
Feb 13, 2006

I crashed Thunderdome's 6th Birthday and all I got was this av!

Anomalous Blowout posted:

By god, listen! It's the klaxon of failure!

Broenheim and Juniper Cake loserbrawl.

Broenheim submitted within the original deadline, but Juniper asked for clemency.

Anomalous Blowout posted:

Deadline extended, have your piece in by midnight PST on Thursday the 2nd.

I'm offering it because the point of loserbrawls is to try to improve as writers, so I'd rather not see someone win by default.

Apparently some people don't want to improve as writers.

Broenheim, you have bested your enemy by virtue of actually submitting something. Your piece The Smoking Gun is now elevated to the lofty status of DM. Juniper is the loser of week eleventyone.

I'll critique your brawl piece when I am no longer sick as balls.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


Anomalous Blowout posted:

Broenheim submitted within the original deadline, but Juniper asked for clemency.


Apparently some people don't want to improve as writers.

Broenheim, you have bested your enemy by virtue of actually submitting something. Your piece The Smoking Gun is now elevated to the lofty status of DM. Juniper is the loser of week eleventyone.

I'll critique your brawl piece when I am no longer sick as balls.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

Clarification: don't write a missed connection. Write a narrative inspired by your missed connection and animal gif. By "don't have to write a story" i mean you don't have to have a full story arc. This should still be narrative fiction, and it should still read like a story. You just can leave out parts in order to cram in tons of detail, if you wish. If you want to write a full story arc, go for it. But "nothing happens" is valid this week, as long as nothing happens interestingly.

Some Guy TT
Aug 30, 2011


So what's with the unusually late submission deadline? Trying to avoid a repeat of last week?

More on topic- is there a place where we can browse for cute animal gifs? I am possibly the only person here who doesn't find that stuff interesting so I don't know where to start with that.

Schneider Heim
Oct 17, 2012


Some Guy TT posted:

More on topic- is there a place where we can browse for cute animal gifs? I am possibly the only person here who doesn't find that stuff interesting so I don't know where to start with that.

Tumblr or those innumerable clickbait sites

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

Some Guy TT posted:

So what's with the unusually late submission deadline? Trying to avoid a repeat of last week?

More on topic- is there a place where we can browse for cute animal gifs? I am possibly the only person here who doesn't find that stuff interesting so I don't know where to start with that.

I'm not going to stay up on sunday night and start reading, so if everybody rushes to post right at the end it'll be right before I wake up so I can read them then.

I'm assuming most people will turn them in some time sunday night.

Armack
Jan 27, 2006

Corde pulsum tangite


I'm in.
Johnson Lake the poisonous snake and our Hero

quote:

Johnson Lake the poisonous snake and our Hero - w4m - 22 (raleigh)

3 of us were walking around the lake this afternoon and you were coming from the other direction. You stopped, held up your hand and yelled 'stop, copperhead in the road'. If it wasn't for you we probably would have stepped on it and it may have bitten us or my dog. I've never seen a poisonous snake before and we were all petrified. You told us just be still and that you would wait with us until it moved on. After, we couldn't stop talking about the handsome older gentleman with the jacked arms who obviously keeps himself in great shape. We want to buy our hero a drink I asked you a question about your tat and you said something adorable to my dog. Write what I asked and what you said in the subject line; you'll be the only one who knows the answer. We'll be waiting....Daddy



For the record, yes I do consider snakes to be cute.

Quidthulhu
Dec 17, 2003

Stand down, men! It's only smooching!


crabrock posted:

But "nothing happens" is valid this week, as long as nothing happens interestingly.

Hoorah!

In with a . I'm taking a red eye on Friday night and will be incommunicado through MOnday, so I will write and post my story before I leave.

Missed connection:

Please help me find Melissa Pliano

quote:

Please help me find Melissa Pliano - m4w - 40 (vallejo / benicia)
age : 40

Hello! I'm trying to find Melissa Pliano. She is Latin and is married to a gentleman who works for an airline. She also has a daughter and drives a BMW.

Please contact me if you know her and can provide me with her contact information

Cache Cab
Feb 21, 2014


Found a good gif if anyone wants to do a "pussy licking" joke...this one isn't mine but I'm about to post my sign-up once I find a good gif for myself

Cache Cab
Feb 21, 2014


I'm in and am submitting my story. I've thoroughly read the prompt post and made sure I've followed all of the pedantic rules this time so I won't lose to some bullshit technicality.

RULE 1: My GIF of animals which inspired part of my story


RULE 2: My craigslist missed connection from the city I reside in. I have saved it as an image as instructed!


MY STORY

Cassius 723 Words. Quite a few under the count in case you try to count differently and gently caress me over.

Had some grits all by himself. Always eating alone. Grits go best with real yellow cheese.

Set out for the trail. Sundays real good for hiking. Wyandotte in fall. A different yellow more like rust and tinged with red. Yeah. Red leaves like blushing girls from when he was young. Walking up a hill with good boots on. Kansas City still has hills. Dressed for the great plains though got a flannel shirt and them nice boots. Here just rolling hills and a dirt road and him with his boots. Crunch. Knarr. Snap. Brokenleaves on emerald grass.

Don’t look. Keep walking. No there’s a dog there he can look at the dog indeed it’s a good one. Got a nice shiny coat on it well-kept this one. Supple breasts under tight sweaters. Yoga pants but the asses. The thigh gaps. Tight sweaters hang so low they’re covered. He can use his imagination, oh, but the dog is a good one a black lab he reckons.

Not gonna text him back gently caress that. Let him stew she’s got the tits she’s got the power here. Leash keeps tugging couldn’t text if she wanted. Might drop her phone screen’s already cracked. Damon pissing on the leaves. Ew. Gross and wet and brown. Leaves are yellow but when the yellow dogpiss gets them they turn brown. Ew.

-This guy going to a rodeo? Her friend asks.

-Lol, she says. They say lol aloud it’s like an inside joke.

Young girls just like he likes but not too young. Never too young. No way, no way. One’s got a black shirt can’t see much but at least the tight pants are white as winter. Other one looks cold. He likes when they’re cold. He can see them. Too close now look at the dog. Dogs always have wet noses. Wet black thing pressing onto his hand its wet and cold. Thermal goggles in Kirkuk the ragheads always had black noses. Tongue slips out its pale pink but glistening and his fingers shimmer. He looks up real quick. One quick look. Amber eyes like brown with gold leaf moistened with dew. Peering through his PTSD and seeing what he was like when he volunteered to break himself. What if he could freeze that naive boy in time?

-What’s his name? He asks, looking down her sweater as she pulls the dog back. Frozen stasis boy would smile and she’d smile back.

-Damon, she says thinking she’d be embarrassed her dog’s named after a vampire but this guy is too old so it doesn’t matter.

-Good boy, he says.

Two times. No, three. Use one now. He turns around quick. Yeah it was a black lab for sure and the white pants girl’s sweater's too low. Why waste one on her. He knew the sweater was too low. Black pants don’t reflect much light. Can’t see much contour. Like raghead noses in the desert. It’s fall but the sun is shining. Which one had the amber eyes? Two. They say it’s where the sun don’t shine but today the sun is shining right where it’s good and he lingers on two, two’s real good. She looks turn around. No Three. Can’t risk three. Two should have lasted.

That show is definitely lame. Google smart people books where someone is named Damon. If she were immortal she’d do really cool poo poo like learn a lot and why the gently caress would she stay in high school.

-Did that guy seem creepy to you? Her friend asks.

-I don’t know. Who cares?

She looks back and he’s looking at her. Ew.

Amber. Amber. Amber in fall, Queen of Autumn, lift her sweater and see her thong. Wide nose but no pores. Fake smile with no teeth. No teeth is good for some stuff but not for smiles. He’s not gay but they blew each other in Kirkuk. Guys know. Amber wouldn’t know but it would be okay he’d treat her right and she’d help him get better and maybe they’d go on hikes with that dog and in winter they’d come back here in the snow and say here’s where we met and when it’s white all around those eyes are like two suns. The real winter sun just a pale white dot next to Amber’s eyes.

He should have talked to her.

Your Sledgehammer
May 10, 2010

by Nyc_Tattoo


I'm in with a

Here's my missed connection:

Penpal wanted inmate white woman wanted

quote:

I am a 32 your old white male in prison for a shooting i have a 45 year Sentence that i am appealing .i am looking for a white women not wanting to play games. JOHNATHAN DIEDRICH 480350 MACC POBOX 220 B NORTH 26
STRINGTOWN OK 74569

And my gif:

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Cache Cab posted:

I won't lose to some bullshit technicality.

Dude, you lost because your story was terrible. Instead of learning from your mistake, you smash your face upon your keyboard in frothy vitriol and post your story five days before the deadline. That's five full days you could have spent polishing your story so at least, AT LEAST you hand in hot poo poo in a champagne glass instead of this cold diarrhea in a dixie cup.

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