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Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

I'm in.

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Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

The Incident on the Chunky River
850 words

-see archives-

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at Dec 11, 2014 around 02:47

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

I'm in.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Thoughts on a Cold Winter's Day
198 words

-see archives-

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at Dec 11, 2014 around 02:47

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

You Always Remember Your First
100 words

Jake’s brother was grinning like an idiot. A big, goofy, fifteen-year-old idiot. Which he was. Adam’s hands were shaking as he got into the truck.

“Have a good time on your little date?” Jake asked while cranking the engine.

Adam nodded. He was giddy and giggly and Jake looked at him expectantly but Adam didn’t say a word. He couldn’t say a word. His mouth opened and closed and opened and closed.

“So, dude, what happened?” Jake asked.

“I touched her boobs!” Adam bellowed triumphantly, “Both of ‘em! Both hands! It was awesome!”

Jake pumped his fist. And the brothers hi-fived.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus, please. Help me, God, help me. Jesus.
71 words

He shouldn’t have eaten the second burrito. He knew that now. He knew that then, too, but the call of grilled steak, caramelized onions, pepperjack cheese, red hot jalapenos, and chipotle ranch was too great a siren’s song to resist. Now it was time to pay the piper and all he could do was grab his ankles and pray.

Because sometimes you take a poo poo and sometimes the poo poo takes you.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

I'm in.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

The Gator
400 words

-see archives-

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at Dec 11, 2014 around 02:48

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

I'm in.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Prompt: Sky Burial

It Means No Worries
715 words

-see archives-

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at Dec 11, 2014 around 02:49

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

THUNDERDOME WEEK LXXVIII: Past Glories

There is always conflict. In our stories. In our lives. However, I’m flush with victory right now and I’d like to ride that feeling for a while. So, this week I would like you to make sure you include the resolution of some conflict and I would like this resolution to be a triumph.

Perhaps its something quiet and personal. Maybe its something more grand. I don’t particularly care. You pick the triumph. You pick the genre. And, when you sign up, you also pick a decade.

20s. 30s. 40s. 70s. 90s. Etc. Etc. Etc. Take your pick. That’s your setting. You can share years with someone else as long as you beat them. Just know I’m not in the mood to suffer losers.

Make sure you include your choice of decade when you sign up.


Word Count: 1001
Signup Deadline: 10:00 PM on Friday the 31st, EST
Submission Deadline: 10:00 PM on Sunday the 2nd, EST


Co-Judges
Tyrannosaurus
ReptileChillock
Bad Seafood


Entrants
3140s: Chairchucker
2130S: WeLandedOnTheMoon!
2090s: monkeyboydc
2050s: Jagermonster
2040s: Martello
2020s: Opposing Farce
2000s: Mr_Wolf, The Leper Colon V (Flash rule: Daryoush Ayyoubi)
1990s: Meinberg, No Longer Flaky, crabrock
1980s: Jay O, Black Griffon, Kaishai
1970s: Nikaer Drekin (Flash rule: What happened to Eddie Akau?)
1960s: DreamingofRoses , Jonked
1940s: Quidnose
1930s: curlingiron
1920s: God Over Djinn
1910s: Baudolino, elfdude
1900s: Little Mac
1860s: Whalley (Flash rule: Dinosaurs!)
1890s: Nika
1810s: Noah (Flash rule: someone related to the protagonist must die)
1770s: Danger408
1470s: Lake Jucas
1420s: Etenzahn (Flash rule: third person, different time period, War on Drugs allegory)
1050s: Paladinus
0030s: Mercedes


Toxx yourselves next time or feel free to stay gone
Useless Sacks of poo poo
1950s: poopkitty
2010s: Djeser

(32)

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at Feb 2, 2014 around 19:39

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

ReptileChillock posted:

I volunteer to judge.

Glad to have ya

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Entenzahn posted:

Should I pick my decade now?


Tyrannosaurus posted:

Make sure you include your choice of decade when you sign up.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Nikaer Drekin posted:

I'm also in, but I'd also like a flash-rule as well as a judge-selected decade (preferably somewhere in the twentieth century!).

Wish granted. 1970s.

FLASH RULE
Eddie Aikau went missing in '78. Tell me what happened to him.



Whalley posted:

I haven't thunderdomed in a while and also haven't written anything I like in slightly less of a while; the two facts are probably connected.

I'm in, going for 1860s and gently caress it flash rule me someone

FLASH RULE
Dinosaurs still walk the earth. They're fairly common, too, so don't make your story about discovering that they still exist.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Entenzahn posted:

I think, I *think* I may have recently run my mouth in IRC about how I fear no man and preemptively invited every judge of this week to give me a flash rule if they so please.

I *think*

Well anyway, you still have to read that poo poo, so Please inform me regarding your decision re: flash rules ASAP so I can get to work. Should I pick my decade now?

Fine.

FLASH RULE

Your story is an allegory for the War on Drugs

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Sign ups are closed

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

That's because you didn't sign up

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Submissions done.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

THUNDERDOME LXXVII JUDGEMENT
We had a record number of folks drop out this week with promises to post in the redemption thread. I cordially invite those people to go gently caress themselves. Go on. Go gently caress yourselves. Nobody cares about the redemption thread. Can't commit to writing a few measly paragraphs in a week's time? Maybe something like the Thunderdome isn't for you. You know who you are. Please don't pull that poo poo again. Toxx yourselves if you need the extra encouragement.

With that being said, I don't have anything cute and demeaning to say about this week's entries. You guys didn't absolutely poo poo the bed. Fantastic. However, there was still an awful lot of mediocrity.

No dishonorable mentions this week. So average was the level of entries that we would have had to give out a dozen DMs if we gave out even one.

Paladinus. You're the Loser. You missed the prompt. You missed the setting. You missed basic formatting. You truly were the lowest of the low.

God Over Djinn. You get an Honorable Mention for a wonderful little period piece that just fell short.

Kaishai. You're the Winner. You were neck in neck with God Over Djinn and squeaked by merit of a slightly tighter piece. Good work. Good luck.

Crits to follow soon.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Crits, yo. Don't loving respond to them in the thread. If you really need to talk about your precious story you can PM me or catch me in #kyrena.


3140s: Chairchucker- Saving Daylight
You did a good job of creating an apocalyptic atmosphere (heh) without beating us over the head with it. I enjoyed reading it. I just wish the story hadn’t hinged on randomly stumbling upon some random laptop with some random program. Needs a little more meat on its bones to make a full meal.


2130s: WeLandedOnTheMoon!- Rich Boy
This very Into the Wild but set in the future and with the protagonist coming across as even more of a spoiled brat. I mean, for real. Dude has 200 Gs just chilling. But uh-oh! Failed my exam. Better run off into the woods! I get that there is this whole problem with personal space and privacy but right now the father seems reasonable and the son seems like he’s overreacting to loving up a test. Even the smoking of a cigarette comes across as childish rebellion.

If you let me see how bad this chip is then I’m with you. Let the father’s immediate knowledge of smoking or the exam or whatever be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. But you gotta build that up for me.

“The ax was heavier than I’d imagined. At first, each clumsy chop just splintered off to the side, flaking the wood. I soon found the rhythm and was splitting logs in two or three swings. In the silence of that cold afternoon…”
^--- Manual labor is tough. Your main character seems more like a naive city boy. Getting into the rhythm of hard living over the course of an afternoon with minimal effort is unrealistic, don’t you think? Gimme some sore muscles. Some blisters. Something. Let me see that this poo poo is difficult. Let me see the son grow in a way that was impossible under the overbearing eyes of his father.

“I could feel the blood running out my nose and soaking into the gag wedged in my mouth”
^--- Wasn’t he just talking? Where did this gag come from?

“I leaned back, appreciating the chair I made two months ago. I leaned forward, pressing my foot into the floorboard that had creaked up until a week ago. Silence. This was the world that I had built, and I did a fine job.”
^--- Nice ending. But you didn’t give me enough to appreciate the hard work he put in.


2090s: monkeyboydc- The Worst Story, According to Earl
You take too long to get going. You go on and on about Earl collecting change and its dull. He’s old. He’s been doing this a while. I get it. Get on with the story.

Is it nearly impossible or impossible impossible to tell if the technology is a hoax? Nearly impossible implies possibility of proof which isn’t what you seem to be going for at all.

I think you could cut this down to 600 words or so. Streamline everything and you could have an enjoyable little tale. I like the idea of this piece. The ambiguity of the end and his message’s effect is also quite nice.

Seriously, though, try and cut it this down. Just to see. Economy of words and all that.


2050s: Jagermonster- The Covenant
Dialogue is your weakness here. It doesn’t come across as realistic conversations. Its just a vehicle for you to push the “morale” of the story and its very preachy. I dislike it immensely.
Find another way of letting me know your characters’ feelings without blatantly telling me, “This is how I feel about _____.”

It also dragged pretty badly. Which is a shame because I did like your approach to the prompt. I thought it was a nice setting. You just mixed stuff up. You were short with heart and long on descriptors.


2040s: Martello- Severance
I read this once and thought, “This is loving terrible.”

But its not terrible. Its just incredibly dense. Convoluted even. You introduce a lot of characters and concepts with very little to describe or define them. Now, I can parse things together somewhat by reading the whole piece but your story definitely suffers by not more immediately drawing me into the world you have created. This reminds me of reading Heart of Darkness back in highschool. I had to force myself through it but grew to appreciate its eccentricities it with time.


2020s: Opposing Farce- Downsizing
Thank you for not opening with some self-deprecating bullshit. Next time, try not to end with some self-aware wink wink bullshit. Its not as clever as you think.

This story takes too long to get going. This is flash fiction. If you’ve written four or five paragraphs and all I have is the setting then you’ve already hosed up.

I’m not a huge fan of story within a story if its not used to emphasize some greater point. Think about Hamlet. There is a play within the play but its not a completely separate story. It advances the plot. Its a vehicle to explore motivations. To give me all this roomba poo poo and then hamfistedly ask if its a metaphor is stupid because its self referential. What is the bigger point? How does is it relate to the narrator?


2000s: The Leper Colon V- Aching
I’m disappointed but not surprised by your approach to your flash rule. You got a soccer player. You gave me a soccer player playing soccer. That's fine. Whatever. But you also gave me 385 words and, somehow, the majority of them were pointless. There was a lot of unnecessary, flowery fluff that contributed nothing. Give me a reason for why this is significant. Make me interested. This was overly descriptive without enough story.


1990s: Crabrock- I am the Phoenix
There is a strong disconnect between your protagonist’s voice and who he is as a character. Thats not to say that a mechanic can’t be intelligent but he seems excessively wordy to me. I feel like I got a lot of Crabrock the Writer here rather than Whoever the Character. Perhaps third person would have suited your story more? That would have allowed you to wax on and on and not have it feel quite so unnatural.

As for your story itself, I think it suffered from early submission and a lack of review. Everything should have been tighter. Slicker. More polished. There was some good writing but a lot of rambling.

Also- your ending felt like a bad punchline. Was the big joke that this was all for naught? Was it suppose to be an “A-ha!” moment for me to realize he was a travel agent? Whatever it was I didn’t like it.


1980s: Kaisha- Free Skate
They only thing I really disliked is that you told me that they were fey.


1970s: Nikaer Drekin- The Many Ends of Eddie Akau
I don’t know where this is supposed to be set but its definitely not Hawaii, braddah. Not that it has to be but that would at least give me an idea as to why they were talking about Eddie Akau. I have no idea how or why this conversation came up. Where are they? What the gently caress do they care about Eddie? Why are they all so stupid in their reasoning? You could have taken any one of your three lovely stories within a story and submitted a fleshed out version and it would have been more interesting than what you gave me. You could have given me character development. Hell, maybe even a real triumph. I don’t know what the point of this was. Its just words on a page. Bad words.


1960s: Jonked- Kenya 1963
The ambiguity as to what actually happened serves you poorly. I want to like what you’ve written but I don’t know enough of what you’re talking about to actually care.


1940s: Quidnose- Brass Tacks
I have a hard time finding something to critique here. Technically, everything is fine. You approached the prompt in a creative way. You didn’t fill your story with unnecessary descriptions. Your dialogue feels natural.

But its dull. Like a brown, paper bag. Nothing necessarily is wrong with it I just didn’t find it exciting.


1920s: God Over Djinn- The Farce
I was really on the fence about this story. I really liked your approach to the prompt. I thought you did an excellent job capturing the feeling of your time period with your writing. This is a well-written period piece. A decent little story. However, it seems almost unrelated to the protagonist.

What was the point of it? How was this incident significant to your main character? How did it affect your protagonist? How did it change his/her life?

“Honest men are rare enough as it is” is a nice line but I think you need to outline this more in your story. Perhaps by highlighting that the father is a dishonest man. I don’t know. It just needs something more.


1910s: Baudolino- The Parthian Shot
I didn’t like it this one as much as my fellow cold-blooded killas. I found the character switch to be much too abrupt. This might have worked better had you more interwoven the two men’s stories. As it is, you didn’t give me enough of either man to give a gently caress about what happened to them. I’m not upset that one died. I’m not happy that the other triumphed.

Also- you titled your story “the Parthian Shot” and then the shot itself was blind luck. I don’t understand that choice.


1900s: Little Mac- A Town Called Freedom
This was pretty close to being a contender. You had a nice story and a setting that has a special place in my heart. Unfortunately, there were just too many issues.

First of all-- lovely opening. I already know this is a story about the town of Freedom. That’s the name of the drat story.

Alouishis’s literacy felt tacked on. Its important to the story and the “It almost sounded like the name of our city, but it was more personal. It felt good to say” section is nice but just saying Pappy taught me was unsatisfying. Weave it in.

The whole travelling salesman thing was weird. Why did the families kill him? Did they know about his papers? Why were these papers conveniently talking about something that ended twenty years ago? You make this some sort of anniversary date and I’m with you. Same if the families catch the slaves reading those papers.

Are you from the South? I had some nitpicky stuff. PM me if you want to talk more about this story.


1860s: Whalley- The Son of Bloody Saunders
I love dinosaurs. You gave me a bunch of words and dinosaurs were in there. This was nice. I wish those words had come together and actually formed a coherent story. That would have been nice, too. You have a bunch of ideas but you weren’t clear on any of them. I got glimpses of a bunch of little things but didn’t end up caring about any of them.


1890s: Nika- Shooting Sharp
Just because your narrator is a female doesn’t mean she needs to be put into a rapey situation. This is a common crutch of writers who struggle with female characters.

Your voice falters between contemporary english and a faux-period style. I dislike this.

I don’t care about your characters. Annie’s success or failure is completely uninteresting to me. Why is being a sharpshooter important to her? What is she escaping from?


1810s: Noah- Love the Machine
Underappreciated. You do a bang up job crafting the setting just using vocabulary and voice. Even your sentence structures give me that old school feel. Really well done. Ending sentence is equally well done. Really like it a lot.

I think what hurt you, and this is sad and unfair, was your time period. One could argue this was competitive for first place if judged by the skill of your writing alone. Like I said, you nailed early nineteenth century English. But its not sexy. The transitional period in which laborers lost to looms lacks appeal. Or maybe you just failed to make it appealing. I don’t know. Tough break, I guess.


1470s: Lake Jucas- Je Suis Désolé
Thin. No meat. The ideas are there but poorly executed. Relationships don’t have depth. Motivations feel tacked on. Dialogue is stilted. Definitively average.


1420s: Etenzahn- Filth Queen
Well. You did it. You got some brutal flash rules and you made a story out of it. It wasn’t a particularly wonderful bit of prose but you accomplished all of your flash rules and all of the rules of the prompt.

A couple things:
Why did she disguise herself as “any other mercenary boy” and then reveal her identity at the first opportunity?

Why had she never killed before? She was a warrior after all. It seems like she would have had to have killed someone in order to piss off the Inquisition. Otherwise she’s just, what, playing dress up?

Why did she let the Earl go? Showing off the disparity between her previous piety and her new found bloodthirstiness could be nice here at the end. Or giving us some call back to that previous state. Its confusing why she’s just straight up murking bitches left and right and then lets her tormentor go free. Seems out of character.


1050s: Paladinus- Mervin the Organizer
Aight. First off, look at how everybody else is formatting their submissions. Now look at your submission. See the differences? Like, with the spaces between sentences? I’m not normally big on harping standardized formatting but yours just looks sloppy and it gives me, the reader, a bad impression before I’ve even processed a word.

You got cute and tried to cheat the time period. I have no loving clue why you would do this. You could have just picked the 2010s.

You do have some funny bits in there. The jubbly bit in particular. I hope you don’t run off. I think submitting every week will be good for you and you’ll come out a stronger writer for it. I can see that you have good ideas. You just need to learn how to express them. This comes with practice.


0030s: Mercedes- Good Sunday
I thoroughly enjoyed this. However, I think you got overly amused with yourself because the story gets a little out of control. You also lose pacing. The ending comes way fast. Let me savor the Savior. You gave me all these juicy bits in the beginning and then poof. Done. This would have been a frontrunner had it more consistency. For real.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

I'm in. Calcium.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Because He Was
Calcium. 567 words.

-see archives-

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at Dec 11, 2014 around 02:50

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Sparrow posted:

I think I need a flash rule also. Thanks in advance.

FLASH RULE

Ghengis Khan did amazing things. I'm sure you have, too. Compare yourself to the great Mongol leader.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Oh for gently caress's sake, newbloods, you're already writing about your lives! Don't introduce your entry with some bullshit. Its irritating.

In fact, don't introduce it all. We don't care.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

I'm in.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Crits, yo. There were a lot of you fuckers and a lot of bad entries and this is taking a lot of time. I'm not done yet so if you don't see your name don't panic like a little bitch.




Black Griffon - Bohemians
I found myself liking this in spite of myself. You ramble on in this way that should infuriate me but your writing here is just so drat wonderfully wistful and poetic. I found memories of my own echoing in your words. And I liked that. You did an excellent job encapsulating the experience in this lovely, reminiscent, dreamlike way. I liked it but, like a dream, I found in lacking substance. You jotted down, with great accuracy, this night but failed to link to anything greater. Failed to weave in the importance of it to you as something more significant that “something that happened.”

I hate you for making me miss night likes these.

**************************************************

Arkane - Kisscapades
Technically, you wrote a story. A boy picks up a girl and hey kiss. Congratulations. This is pretty much all that you did well.

Where to start on what you did poorly? Your dialogue sucks. Your formatting for your dialogue sucks. What made you decide to cram everything into the same paragraph? I know your enter key works. gently caress. Put it to better use. But, please, don’t think I’m knocking your dialogue just because you don’t know how to format. It was stilted and boring and most of it was unnecessary.

The entirety of your first paragraph is irrelevant. Are you the “funny guy” in your friends group? I get the feeling that you’re probably a funny dude in real life (or at least you think you are). Either way, your writing isn’t amusing or charming enough to pull off these constant zings. Your first paragraph is one long joke that simply isn’t amusing. Neither is the stuff about Casey’s name. Your “observations” aren’t hilarious, profound, or even poignant. They just make me groan and hope that you won’t dilute another sentence with one more hilarious monkeycheese random metaphor.

For real. Cut down on the stupid metaphors and descriptors. It doesn’t make you unique or interesting. In fact, your writing style is incredible common amongst young writers.

Your ending is abrupt and terrible.

(See what I did there?)

**************************************************

Palisader- The Move
I didn’t hate this one as much as my fellow judges. They found it criminally boring. I thought it was just boring. You don’t have to describe everything. You shouldn’t describe everything. Make it all meaningful. Make it all count. You might have something half way decent buried under all of the excess fat.

**************************************************

Elfdude- Highschool Justice
You put so much emphasis on the fight when the fight wasn’t really that important. It was being a good boy. That’s what is interesting! The relationship between the mother and the narrator and between the narrator and himself. You are okay at writing action scenes but I think you should try focusing elsewhere. For your next story, just as an experiment, try to avoid as much physical violence as possible. If it happens, find a way to have it occur offscreen. Work on character development. Keep at it!

**************************************************

Huntersoninski- It Could Have Been Worse
Your sentences are clumsy. Especially in your opening paragraph. I get what you are saying but its written in such an inelegant way that I don’t want to stop reading and move on to something else. Aim for simplicity. Get your point across and then stop. For instance, I don’t need to know that you’ve been living independently for a year. It doesn’t add anything. You’ve already told me that you’ve been living apart. I, the reader, will agree that it sucks to move home regardless of your time apart.

I don’t have much more to say other than that. Clean up your writing.

**************************************************

Xenocides- Slaying a Childhood Devil
You got a lot of grammar and tense issues to work out. It doesn’t matter what you write about if you can’t get a handle on basic skills then your work is unreadable.

**************************************************

Little Mac- Last Date
Your opening line only makes sense after reading the entire piece. This isn’t necessarily a terrible thing to do if you can do it well. Yours is too esoteric. If you confound me early on you then risk me not reading any more of your piece. .

You’re not a bad writer. You have a nice feel for language. I think with this piece you tried to “do too much” because it was a real experience. Treat it like a story. Cut what isn’t interesting or important. Expound upon what IS interesting or important.

Adding two characters right at the end was maybe a poor choice. Your story was already done! It felt tacked on and, again, confused me. Who are these people? Why are they important enough to be included but only right then at the end?

**************************************************

Quidnose- Go Home, You’re Drunk
If this is a story, and I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here, it isn’t a very good one. Which is a shame because you nailed being drunk. Absolutely nailed it. Really well-written. I just wish there was something more here than “I got drunk and drank some more and then went home.”

**************************************************

The Leper Colon V- Someone I Didn’t Deserve
Don’t write a summary of a story as a story! Write a story!

**************************************************

Anathema Device - Breathe
“Always have a good book handy; breathe at the periods; and don't worry too much if the paper gets wet, because it's the words that matter.”

I thought your story was cute but that’s all it was. Without more insight into the narrator’s world and the way these “life lessons” have changed him/her I’m left with a college application essay rather than a story.

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Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi- Feeling a Clot Better
This was very bland. Like a wafer or something. It wasn’t poorly written but nothing of note occurred. Sickness. Diagnosis. Recovery. Celebration. I’m sure it was a stressful situation but there is nothing panicked or upsetting in your writing. I was just kinda like “Huh, well, glad that worked out” and then I moved on.

Also- don’t edit. You should have been disqualified.

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Crabrock- My Life in Knots
Very charming, nicely written, and the only entry to make me laugh. The dialogue was fun to read and I got distinct voices from the different characters. I think you did a really nice job of tying in the scientist thing so that it was an actual story with growth and what have you rather than recitation of a real life occurrence. Well done.

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Ugly In The Morning- A Little Too Routine
You start up slow and kind of ramble from there. You describe settings accurately enough but you get pretty muddled when you start involving action. With that being said, your incorporation of the Choose Your Adventure stuff was pretty clever and a neat enough idea though that it made your piece bearable.

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Meinberg- When the Cold Wind Blows
There is probably a way of telling this story without it coming across like the bitch fit of bitter nerd who got friendzoned but you didn’t do it here.

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Comrade Black- Maternity Fingers
In what world is a twelve year with knowledge of penis and births considered “sheltered?” I get through one paragraph and I’m scratching my head. And it goes downhill from there. You need some serious work on your sentences. Structurally they’re all over the place. You use too many words. You include stupid poo poo.

Here’s an example:

“Apparently, you needed hot water in order to make the yeast rise. Or something. I can’t really remember why we needed hot water for pizza dough, but I didn’t care.”

Why did you make me read these words? Did you really need them all?

(No.)

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NewsGunkie- Away
You need a better intro. You need a more definite plot. I need something interesting to happen. This is supposed to be sad and it isn’t.

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Erogenous Beef- Sodom Has No Pause Button
You took me for a trip and I’m glad I went. You won so I’m not gonna sit here and jerk you off with praise. You know you’re good.

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Whalley - Dads Roll Out
This is impossible to critique because this isn’t a story. This is a journal entry or maybe an answer on a college application or something. You’re not illiterate. You’re not a lovely writer. However, you didn’t write a story. gently caress.

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Mister Morn - Empire State Heights
This reads like your english teacher made you write a reflection on your summer vacation to New York. I have to assume it was a pretty lovely trip if this was all you could come up. I mean, what happened here? How did the narrator grow or change because of this experience? I hope your teacher failed you but you probably got patted on the head and told what a good writer you are. Tell a drat story next time.

Also, I need to get this off my chest.

“It was the highlight of my trip, and it really made that weekend worthwhile.”

This is bad. Don’t ever do this again. If you did a good job of, oh I don’t know, writing a story then I already got this.

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Nikaer Drekin- For Your Consideration
I thought this was really quite insulting.

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Djesar - To Impress
Any other week this would have been a DM at best. I have no notes that you don’t already know. Give a poo poo or get out.

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Sebmojo - Backwash
This feels like a middle piece. Not in a good way. You didn’t drop me off in media res but rather in between the introduction and any sort of action. There are some characters and some relationships and right when things start happening its over. So, I end up knowing nothing. I end up feeling nothing. There is no story because there is nothing. Very uncharacteristic entry from a writer I enjoy.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Oh, goody

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Prompt: The Good Wizard
Flash rule: Johnny Thunder and Baby T


Black History
604 words

-see archives-

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at Dec 11, 2014 around 02:51

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

In.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

I'm in.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Djeser posted:

Meinberg. A certain sys-someone in IRC had trouble telling us apart. The only indignity worse than not being known is being mistaken for someone else, and I want retribution.

Brawl me, so that people can remember which one of us is which.

I like your style.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

After the Sinking of the Queen Anne
442 words

-see archives-

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at Dec 11, 2014 around 02:51

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

I'm in.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Night Lights in Louisiana
1,000 words

-see archives-

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at Dec 11, 2014 around 02:52

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Honey
199 words

Wizard School is a lot like prison. There’s a lot of rules. A lot of drugs. Folks split up into gangs. And, on your first day, you’re supposed to find the biggest, meanest fucker you can and take him out.

Wolfgang kicked opened the oak doors which made people stop and stare. Normal folks used their wands.

“I’m new,” he growled, “Wanna fight about it?”

“Hi,” a skinny kid in a bowtie said, “My name is Gary and-”

Wolfgang drove his fist into the kid’s face. Through his face. Out the back of the his skull.

Wolgang wiggled his fingers in surprise. He shouldn’t be elbow deep. He only meant to punch the guy. His arm felt tingly.

“Oh, Jesus, what the gently caress is this?” he said, “Why is-what the? Ow! Ow, gently caress! gently caress!

Wolfgang fell backwards and stared in horror at his arm as it slid out of the pulsating hole. His arm was red and swollen and it felt like it had been pierced a thousand times by red hot needles. There was a faint buzzing as Gary’s face reassembled itself and Gary grinned when he had a mouth again

“Welcome to Wizard School, bitch.”

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

In

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

WeLandedOnTheMoon! posted:

I really wasn't going to sign up this week, yet here I am doing it anyway.

Good on ya.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Theft
1087 words

-see archives-

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at Dec 11, 2014 around 02:52

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Mars
87 words

Juanita had two dresses she could wear to her cousin’s quinceañera but she didn’t know which one to pick.

“Hey Fatass, can you help me choose my vestido?” she called out to her sister. Fatass is a common nickname for overweight people.

“Wear the blue one,” Fatass said, “The pink one squashes your boobs weird.”

Gracias,” Juanita said as she returned it to the closest.

Two days later, the pink dress killed Juanita in cold blood. No one ever suspected the dress. It was the perfect crime.

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Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

In.

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