Combined Arms USMC/Cool USAF Thread FY2014

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Internet VFW > Combined Arms USMC/Cool USAF Thread FY2014

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

The true secret to success on the battlefield is not giving a gently caress and posting the loving Marine OP

quote:

Schneider
Block leave is the poo poo. Merry Christmas Marines, etc etc. Anyway.

Duty sucks, gently caress duty.

This thread is now about funny or hosed up duty stories.

Once upon a Saturday night, I was touring my post as any squared away DNCO should do when I heard a noise, a very particular
noise, coming from one of my grandboot's rooms. His door was ajar and the noise coming from within sounded suspiciously like a
female getting smashed out. A FEMALE, WHO WAS NOT PROPERLY CHECKED IN WITH THE DUTY NCO, IN MY BARRACKS? gently caress. NO. Why do I
even care about this, you ask? I guess I'm just a prick. I guess it pisses me off that some dumbass 18 year old PFC is bringing
his little teenage tramps back to the barracks to smash them out while I'm walking around the barracks with a loving logbook
under my arm yelling at idiots to pick up their cigarette butts. Additionally, I didn't like this particular Marine.. he was kind of a turd and sucked at life and whined a lot.

My mind raced, scrambling to find the most absurd and offensive insults I could muster as I prepared to kick the door open and deliver
rear end-chewing to end all rear end chewings. My corfram came up and I spartan-kicked the door open, face twisted in fury, spittle flying as my
mouth formed the first syllable of what was to be the magnum opus of my asschewings.

What I beheld was not PFC Fuckknuckles simply loving some skank, oh no.

On one of the racks were four of my Marines going family style on some chubby unattractive blonde girl with a tramp stamp. I'm pretty sure the balls touched.

I stopped in the doorway as my tiny TBI-ridden rifleman brain attempted to process the scene before me. They all stopped their frantic humping
for a moment and stared at me. I didn't know what to loving say at this point.. I mean, what can you say to that, really. I just asked if she
was of age and upon receiving a valid photo ID from the girl, muttered "very well, carry on" and continued my tour.

Booblord Zagat
Friend of mine kept getting zits on his cock when he was at the NTC in Irwin, right at the base where it isn't quite balls
but not yet schlong. He was doing everything to stop it, from using that St. Ives face scrub on it to cleaning it every day with hand
sanitizer, but poo poo kept happening. So one day he asks a Senior Chief Corpsman about it. The Chief has about three weeks left to serve
before he can retire with 24 years, so I guess he decided this would be his legacy.

He gets my buddy a box of those Biorre black head removal strips and tells him to wash his member and slap one of them on for a bit and
slowly take it off. It will get rid of his cock zit problem. Dude is desperate enough to try it, and even shaves his poo poo down with an
electric razor to eliminate the hair pulling.

Well as it turns out the skin on that special area is kinda stretchy, but still thin. When he goes to tear it off, it takes about maybe
3 square centimeters of unrealized boner with it. It was that kind of skin loss like you get when you scrape your knee he told me, where
you can see the last paper thin layer of skin sitting there, just seeping blood slowly but surely, said it was like a Saw film, but the evil
laughing he heard wasn't from a sickly old white dude, but a thick mustached skinny black guy.

He found out a week later he had genital warts, so he had spent the last few months trying to pop dick warts.

I had to buy 9 beers in a San Diego bar to get that whole story out of him. Best drat $80 I ever spent.

Interwebz RN
making GBS threads story aye aye sir!

So, my buddy is in the driver's seat of the Humvee and I'm the gunner up in the turret and we're rolling blacked out with NVG's on at the NTC as a QRF force
(HA! POG's as QRF!! some of these guys can barely shoot marksman on the range!) cause our bro's went to secure an HVI/HVT/HIV whatever roleplayer and got into
some massive shitstorm. In order to simulate real life we've been eating nothing but MRE's for like 10 days now (HA! more like contracting hosed up and forgot
to send the MIPR so we could eat in the chow hall) so when we were offered real loving food from the roleplayers we loving took it and ate it like the miserable
starved dirty animals we are. My buddy did this with a whole chicken picking the bones clean and guzzling tea a few hours before this mission was given. We're
halfway to the objective when I hear gently caress! JESUS loving CHRIST! poo poo! ASSS! loving! GODDAMNIT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
followed by the most pitiful sobs I've ever heard from a man. This wakes up the VC and I hear a storm of the most creative curses followed by sobs and "IM SORRY SERGEANT!
IM SORRY! PLEASE DONT NJP ME!" I radio down to the VC using my MBITR and I get the following: "LCPL FUCKNUTS IS making GBS threads EVERYWHERE! OH MY loving GOD BOY WHAT DID YOU EAT??!?"
We pull off and radio our situation to everyone in the TOC and as the convoy stops and "pulls security" we can hear everyone laughing over the radios. We put on our
flashlights to inspect the damage expecting a Marine with poo poo stained pants. What we find is much worse. We were all gagging from the stench initially, some of
us had put on our gas masks inside the vehicle to block it out. What the lights revealed was far worse. There was liquid brown poo poo in the driver's seat stretching
from where your rear end is up the seat to about lower back area. Some of it was dripping or....slithering..or something..onto the floor. There were specks of it on the
radio, it covered the slave cables, the steering wheel, under the seat, some of it had dripped onto the Doc's boots since he sat directly behind the driver and
liked to sprawl or, somehow stretch his legs since he was a big dude. Anywhere the poo poo could have reached, it was. There was even lovely fingerprints on the windshield.
The stench was horrible, like a rotting animal who had been left in the sun for a month inside a quadcon with rotten eggs inside it with spoiled milk sprayed everywhere
with rotting garbage strewn about for good measure. A few guys (including the company gunny) vomited upon opening the door to the vehicle. He was forced to ride in it
to the objective, complete the mission, then RTB where he cleaned the vehicle interior from top to bottom. All night. Then he was allowed to shower and change out of the
poo poo encrusted pants.

And, just in time for Valentine's Day!

Schneider
Also re: faggotfuckbitchboot with his gay loving pictures and smooching.

What he doesn't realize is that the minute he deploys, a rift will open in the space time continuum and eldrich, forboding Lovecraftian dongs which have been slumbering
in dark space, long before man gained sentience, will emerge and descend upon his little lovely piece of teenage pussy. They will then penetrate all of her orifices in
ways he could never possibly imagine, leaving her pretty little pussy a bloody mess of hamburger and her anus hopelessly distended, flapping like the wind flags at the
200 yard line. After being frosted like a Krispy Kreme donut, she will drain his bank account and leave him for a hipster douchebag who is a "nice guy".

This is the fate of all PFC/LCpl girlfriends. If this happens when he is a Sgt. or above he will return home, kill her, Jodie and then himself.

Semper fidelis.

the dad farm
I like driving by cars in jville filled with creatures from your wildest nightmares. Then they pass by and i see "his boots, her flip flops, a perfect pair". I walk back
to my shithole of a barracks room and silently weep with the lights off while i jerk off to porn and listen to goodbye horses.

Anne Frank Fanfic
Whack shack duty. Night 134. At first I chased down individual whacker offers and had to threaten them with UCMJ. I thought they'd be scared straight so to speak. The next
few nights they got smarter, using cover and concealment to their advantage in order to blow their hot loads all over this Holy Shi`ite Land. Now I just make a racket by
rapping the side of the sheet metal wall with my rifle and watch as joes scamper from the whack shack, tripping over themselves with their trousers around their ankles and
cum spurting from their still rock hard dicks. Another three caught today, that's another three Field Grade Jacking Off Article 15s to begin tomorrow.

Life wasn't this hard when jacking off wasn't banned in the 'stan, I guess the General was tired of seeing his hot young virile studs wasting their seed on the ground of
this barren nation, he'd rather have the seed saved up and spread across the beautiful fields of amber grain in the good old U S of A. At first no one blamed him, how many
of us wouldn't rather be jacking off at home, cumming where we please? But there's an enemy here. An enemy that doesn't want anyone cumming, here in their homeland or elsewhere.
An enemy that stands against all erect dicks spurting justice from their swollen tips. An enemy that would sooner grab a jizzing dick at its hilt and sever it than allow us
to have one more ejaculation of freedom.

Honeyboy Bradley
I think I already told this story but it's fresh in my mind so here it goes again:

A few years back I was in Chicago for a while and made an OKCupid profile to score easy women off the internet. I started talking to an asian girl who didn't have any
clear pictures of herself on her dating profile. She was down to gently caress the Honeyboy after a night of seductive OKC messages so she gave me her number and address and I
drove down to get my freak on.

She lives in Boystown. For those who don't know where Boystown is, it's an area of Chicago where all the gays hang out. We were gonna go to a movie in Boystown's theater and
then back to her place for nasty interracial sex.

So I'm driving around Boystown by the movie theater and I see an asian girl standing on the street corner. I'm like 'oh gently caress thats gotta be her' because she had the same body
type as the girl's OKC profile. So I slow down in my car and wave at her through the front window. She sees me and comes up to my driver's side window and that's when I see
it's a loving man.

Like he had a five o'clock shadow and everything. He looked like Mr. Miyagi with a wig on. So I didn't ask any loving questions I just got out of my car and started beating
his rear end. Like I went full Tekken combo on this decadent son of Sodom. Then I spit on him and got back in my car and started driving home.

A few minutes later she starts calling my cell and I pick up because I'm ready to talk mad poo poo to this tranny that tried to trick me into going on a date with him. But it
was a woman's voice saying 'Where the gently caress are you? You're fifteen minutes late.'

'Uh, is this not just the person I just met?'

'No? What the gently caress I'm still waiting outside the theater'

And that's when I realized I had unwittingly beat up a tranny prostitute. He probably saw me waving at him through my car window and thought I was a John. So I didn't go out
on the date that night I just drove home and jerked off. I still feel bad for doing that though. The prostitute was probably like 'Oh theres a John I'm gonna make some cash
tonight' but instead he got dropped.

blazeing w/ hitler
Sudden movement on the rooftops -- I zoomed in my M16A14 w/ A Cog and fired off a sick double tap on some insurgent wearing velcro shoes, his body sort of just went limp why
running & then fell off the roof onto the street lmao. Then I felt sick to by tummy, thinking wow, I just.. killed someone, but I ate a spoiled MRE earlier haha, killing people
is loving cool and Im never eading Jambalaya MRE again

Also the cool Air Force guys should post in here so we can concentrate our efforts to not be a bunch of gently caress ups

We will fail at this.

Victor Vermis posted:

pretty sure that would tear a hole in the rape time continuum

Booblord Zagats posted:

I call God by his one true name.

Dearest William Tecumseh Sherman, hallow be thy name, thy march has come and your will be done on Atlanta as it was on Charlotte. Give us this day our daily bourbon and forgive us our sobriety as we forgive the barkeep who pours too slow. Lead us not to AA but deliver us to Jameson for that is the kingdom, the power amd the glory while the South is in embers. Amen

Booblord Zagats fucked around with this message at 16:44 on May 1, 2014

# ? Apr 3, 2014 05:01

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 16:25

EBB: Feb 15, 2005

Thread title is misleading, the USAF is never cool.

# ? Apr 3, 2014 05:08

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

EVA BRAUN BLOWJOBS posted:

Thread title is misleading, the USAF is never cool.

Also,the USMC thread has barely been a thread for awhile now

# ? Apr 3, 2014 05:09

Helldump Immunity.: Aug 2, 2013; Fuck you

i googled "hot army chick" so I could post somthing for this thread and i came back empty. sorry bros

# ? Apr 3, 2014 05:41

gleep gloop: Aug 16, 2005; GROSS SHIT

Helldump Immunity. posted:

i googled "hot army chick" so I could post somthing for this thread and i came back empty. sorry bros

Not really surprised

# ? Apr 3, 2014 05:43

elite_garbage_man: Apr 3, 2010; I THINK THAT "PRIMA DONNA" IS "PRE-MADONNA". I MAY BE ILLITERATE.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGdc6APHfEw

# ? Apr 3, 2014 05:43

Helldump Immunity.: Aug 2, 2013; Fuck you

gleep gloop posted:

Not really surprised

# ? Apr 3, 2014 05:44

OMFG PTSD LOL PBUH: Sep 9, 2001

Anyone else notice unattractive frumpy Jewish girls are huge SJW's but are all about loving up Palestine? It's lol as gently caress.

# ? Apr 3, 2014 05:55

Hekk: Oct 12, 2012; 'smeper fi

I somehow got roped into agreeing to participate in a Bn boots and utes run tomorrow morning. 45 minutes blocked off to run the pft course is somehow supposed to be motivating. I am sure the run will be mostly in silence since I refuse to run listening to the same goddamn "C-130 rolling down the strip" over and over.

# ? Apr 3, 2014 05:59

gleep gloop: Aug 16, 2005; GROSS SHIT

Sick life still being in the military in 2014.

# ? Apr 3, 2014 06:02

NIGGER DEATH TURBO: Jul 4, 2013; by Lowtax

gleep gloop posted:

Sick life still being in the military in 2014.

# ? Apr 3, 2014 06:05

OMFG PTSD LOL PBUH: Sep 9, 2001

Hekk posted:

I somehow got roped into agreeing to participate in a Bn boots and utes run tomorrow morning. 45 minutes blocked off to run the pft course is somehow supposed to be motivating. I am sure the run will be mostly in silence since I refuse to run listening to the same goddamn "C-130 rolling down the strip" over and over.

You do it to yourself, you do.

# ? Apr 3, 2014 06:14

Bolow: Feb 27, 2007

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruyWq7URlN0

# ? Apr 3, 2014 06:47

elite_garbage_man: Apr 3, 2010; I THINK THAT "PRIMA DONNA" IS "PRE-MADONNA". I MAY BE ILLITERATE.

be a road guard.

You get out of singing dumb rear end cadence and you get to sprint past the entire unit and crop dust every one in your path.

elite_garbage_man fucked around with this message at 06:50 on Apr 3, 2014

# ? Apr 3, 2014 06:48

Larry Parrish: Jul 9, 2012; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

one day, TACC and current ops will learn to stop assigning important missions to that one hosed up bird at travis. yeah, they're kc10s, they're all old, i get it. just please stop picking the worst loving one, thanks. whenever a tacc mission delays, it ends up being a minor annoyance anywhere to an idiotic multiple-day saga as we track down which piece of poo poo system broke first.

# ? Apr 3, 2014 06:59

shyduck: Oct 3, 2003

No TACC talk in the cool thread, there is nothing cool about TACC

# ? Apr 3, 2014 17:49

Larry Parrish: Jul 9, 2012; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

maybe one day it can be

# ? Apr 3, 2014 18:07

iyaayas01: Feb 19, 2010; Perry'd

No, take that poo poo over to the lovely AF thread.

Also next time you talk about TACC trigger warning pls, tia

# ? Apr 3, 2014 18:14

Cole: Nov 24, 2004; DUNSON'D

What is TACC

# ? Apr 3, 2014 18:19

Larry Parrish: Jul 9, 2012; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

a career black hole

# ? Apr 3, 2014 18:24

NIGGER DEATH TURBO: Jul 4, 2013; by Lowtax

read that as a career black dude

# ? Apr 3, 2014 18:27

iyaayas01: Feb 19, 2010; Perry'd

Cole posted:

What is TACC

A big group of idiots, even by AF standards

# ? Apr 3, 2014 18:35

USMC503: Jan 15, 2012; For satisfactory performance while under the effects of hostile enemy alcohol.

friend of the family DEATH TURBO posted:

read that as a career black dude

Equally lovely tbh.

# ? Apr 3, 2014 18:35

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

The Marine Air Wing put loving hellfires on KC-130s

Still less gay than drones, at least

# ? Apr 3, 2014 19:11

iyaayas01: Feb 19, 2010; Perry'd

Booblord Zagats posted:

The Marine Air Wing put loving hellfires on KC-130s

Still less gay than drones, at least

Not just Hellfires, Griffins too. And they poo poo them out the cargo ramp as well as one of the troop doors, which is hilarious to me.

# ? Apr 3, 2014 19:22

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

iyaayas01 posted:

Not just Hellfires, Griffins too. And they poo poo them out the cargo ramp as well as one of the troop doors, which is hilarious to me.

Amos is a crazy rear end in a top hat who thinks every plane needs to be able to blow up browns and communists

Probably the only good thing about him, really

# ? Apr 3, 2014 19:23

Snowdens Secret: Dec 29, 2008; Someone got you a obnoxiously racist av.

friend of the family DEATH TURBO posted:

read that as a career black dude

No need to bring up rekinom in the chill thread

# ? Apr 3, 2014 19:28

Godholio: Aug 28, 2002; Does a bear split in the woods near Zheleznogorsk?

shyduck posted:

No TACC talk in the cool thread, there is nothing cool about TACC

Where's the cool thread?

# ? Apr 3, 2014 19:42

iyaayas01: Feb 19, 2010; Perry'd

Godholio posted:

Where's the cool thread?

# ? Apr 3, 2014 22:41

Victor Vermis: Dec 21, 2004; WOKE UP IN THE DESERT AGAIN

Where therefore negligence and discontent hath joined together, let no man put asunder.

# ? Apr 3, 2014 23:54

Hekk: Oct 12, 2012; 'smeper fi

Obama Africanus posted:

You do it to yourself, you do.

There are only so many times I can fight the stupidity of our hq and win. So it's necessary to let them win symbolic victories sometimes so I still have ammo to fight the really stupid poo poo they come up with. We just finished an exercise and no one was in the field. So there wasn't any real reason we couldn't go on their silly little run.

It was dumb though and now my knees hurt.

# ? Apr 3, 2014 23:58

Cole: Nov 24, 2004; DUNSON'D

Hekk posted:

It was dumb though and now my knees hurt.

Yeah from

You know what nevermind. That's a low hanging fruit.

# ? Apr 4, 2014 00:08

Ultimate Shrek Fan: May 2, 2005; by FactsAreUseless

Cole posted:

Yeah from

You know what nevermind. That's a low hanging fruit.

Well, that, and the fact that you're in a very similar position.

# ? Apr 4, 2014 00:10

iyaayas01: Feb 19, 2010; Perry'd

Ultimate Shrek Fan posted:

Well, that, and the fact that you're in a very similar position.

lol

Wait so am I poo poo

# ? Apr 4, 2014 00:15

cult_hero: Jul 10, 2001

Anyone have any experience with MCAS Iwakuni? I'm going TDY over there for a few months, what do people suggest I do during downtime?

# ? Apr 4, 2014 02:38

Bolow: Feb 27, 2007

cult_hero posted:

Anyone have any experience with MCAS Iwakuni? I'm going TDY over there for a few months, what do people suggest I do during downtime?

Spent 2 years in Iwakuni in 07-08. MWR has a bunch of events and poo poo to actual interesting places. No idea on the current command climate but it oscillates between toxic and unbearable.

# ? Apr 4, 2014 03:02

Hekk: Oct 12, 2012; 'smeper fi

cult_hero posted:

Anyone have any experience with MCAS Iwakuni? I'm going TDY over there for a few months, what do people suggest I do during downtime?

Take the train from Iwakuni to Hiroshima and walk around lost as gently caress downtown.
Go hang out at the Kintai Bridge and Castle https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kintai_Bridge .
Check out kayaks at Outdoor Recreation and go bass fishing in ponds up in the mountains (bring coolers of beer).
Kill monkeys for farmers for money.
Eat at CoCo Ichibanya, The Chicken Shack, That Korean BBQ joint that is to the left of four corners, or Ganesh (Indian place in downtown Iwakuni).
Take a trip to whatever the gently caress they named that island with all the deer on it.
Go skiing in the indoor ski slopes in Hiroshima.

Or get hosed up in the barracks and hate life.

# ? Apr 4, 2014 04:00

NIGGER DEATH TURBO: Jul 4, 2013; by Lowtax

Hekk posted:

Take the train from Iwakuni to Hiroshima and walk around lost as gently caress downtown.
Go hang out at the Kintai Bridge and Castle https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kintai_Bridge .
Check out kayaks at Outdoor Recreation and go bass fishing in ponds up in the mountains (bring coolers of beer).
Kill monkeys for farmers for money.
Eat at CoCo Ichibanya, The Chicken Shack, That Korean BBQ joint that is to the left of four corners, or Ganesh (Indian place in downtown Iwakuni).
Take a trip to whatever the gently caress they named that island with all the deer on it.
Go skiing in the indoor ski slopes in Hiroshima.

Or get hosed up in the barracks and hate life.

get this shirt but with a mushroom cloud instead of a heart first

# ? Apr 4, 2014 04:04

Hekk: Oct 12, 2012; 'smeper fi

friend of the family DEATH TURBO posted:

get this shirt but with a mushroom cloud instead of a heart first

Real Talk: Don't go to Hiroshima on August 6th...ever.

# ? Apr 4, 2014 04:13

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 16:25

Bolow: Feb 27, 2007

Miyajima is where all the deer are at. Bunch of mangy assholes.
If you get there in the summer see if you can get an MWR trip to Fuji but I doubt it since you're TDY
Jon Jaca's is the korean bbq place iirc?
If you're out there in the winter there's tons of snowboarding available at Nagano and the gear and trips out there are cheap as poo poo
There's a bunch of awesome rear end concerts out in Fukuoka if you can get the liberty/leave to go out there and it's only like a 2hr Shin ride. Saw Arch Enemy when they were recording their live album there.

Also RIP California Chicken

Also don't buy the women drinks in loving Miss Saigon or Hello Cat for fucks sake.

# ? Apr 4, 2014 05:10

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Internet VFW > Combined Arms USMC/Cool USAF Thread FY2014

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