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The cool thing about Switzerland and their system of 'direct democracy' is that there's simply no way to deny or whitewash the general population's endemic stupidity, xenophobia and callousness - just look at the result of any given recent vote or election in Switzerland and it's plain to see that you're officially dealing with a nation of assholes and lunatics. As someone who actually has to live here, that's both dispiriting and helpful, because it forces you to face the facts about peoples' inherent terribleness: that nice old lady on the bus? Probably voted to deport immigrants last weekend. That helpful taxi driver? Probably a member of the SVP. And so on. I mean, we all sometimes suspect that we're surrounded by hateful morons. In Switzerland, that suspicion turns into certain knowledge. It's refreshing (but mostly depressing). Switzerland isn't known for its footballing prowess, but as always, we're canny enough to offset these shortcomings. For one, we're actually football's literal home, since we house FIFA, the most corrupt organization in the world, headed by a Swiss man from a canton known for stupidity and incest. That's right, if you post "it's coming home" you're rooting for us. Thanks, by the way. Also, even though hating foreigners and immigrants is our national pastime, most of our national team consists of... foreign-born Swiss citizens. It's all part of our master plan: have the mudbloods with the weird names do the dirty work we can't or don't want to do. loving lol if you think your application for a decent apprenticeship will even be considered if your last name is Shaqiri or Xhaka. But if you can kick a ball well, we may just have some use for you! If not, well, there's always a bunch of toilets to clean, and lotsa whoring to do. Minimum wage, you say? lol. It all ties in with our national motto, "unus pro omnibus, omnes pro uno", which roughly translates to "if you can't deport 'em, exploit and monetize 'em". I remember dubious elements - I think it was noted anti-Swiss-poster "Pissflaps" - claiming that Switzerland's team wasn't really "Swiss" during the last WC. These posts were flagged at FIFA headquarters and will be met with uncompromising force this time around. If you slander the undeniable swissness of our players, we'll send this guy around to stare at you like a crazy person, laugh at all the taxes you pay and hand you a bunch of anti-EU leaflets:  Anyway, Switzerland have never really managed to distinguish themselves in the world cup (or anywhere else, not distinguishing ourselves is kind of our thing). Our greatest accomplishment was reaching the quarter-finals during the tournament we actually hosted, back in 1954. We lost 5-7 to Austria (yeah, laugh it up) in what is still the highest-scoring world cup game ever and has come to be known as the "Hitzeschlacht von Lausanne", since temperatures apparently reached 40 degrees celsius during the game. We gave up a three goal lead ffs!  The only other WC participation that sticks out came in 1994, when 57-year old Georges Bregy from my beloved Young Boys (see the joke here?) humiliated the US with a brilliant free kick: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HytwZoFp-o Also, Alain Sutter's hair was glorious:  But yeah, we couldn't cope with Spain in the second round and then basically decided to just leave this football thing to the immigrants. At least that way they couldn't commit any crimes and we could avoid these costly deportation procedures! After lovely performances at the 2006 and 2010 world cups (though the latter featured a comedic victory against eventual winners Spain), this plan will finally come to fruition in 2014. Why, you ask? First off, Ottmar's hungry:  Also, the squad is certainly our best since 1994, and everyone knows we only lost to Spain that time because they loving cheated. We've got a great mix of experienced players and youngsters, a couple of genuinely great players in different positions, and even one or two Swiss-looking guys with Swiss-sounding names to keep up appearances. The stars are aligning for sure. So without further ado, here are the lucky 23 who will accompany hungry Ottmar to Manaus and some other hellholes and then hopefully the Maracana: Goalkeepers: Diego Benaglio (VfL Wolfsburg), Roman Bürki (Grasshopper Club), Yann Sommer (FC Basel). Defenders: Johan Djourou (Hamburger SV), Michael Lang (Grasshopper Club), Stephan Lichtsteiner (Juventus), Ricardo Rodríguez (VfL Wolfsburg), Fabian Schär (FC Basel), Philippe Senderos (Valencia CF), Steve von Bergen (BSC Young Boys), Reto Ziegler (US Sassuolo Calcio). Midfielders: Tranquillo Barnetta (Eintracht Frankfurt), Valon Behrami (SSC Napoli), Blerim Džemaili (SSC Napoli), Gelson Fernandes (SC Freiburg), Gökhan Inler (SSC Napoli), Xherdan Shaqiri (FC Bayern München), Valentin Stocker (FC Basel), Granit Xhaka (VfL Borussia Mönchengladbach). Forwards: Josip Drmic; (1. FC Nürnberg), Mario Gavranovic; (FC Zürich), Admir Mehmedi (SC Freiburg), Haris Seferović (Real Sociedad de Fútbol). Let's get to know these young men - most of whom would have been deported long ago if it weren't for their footballing ability - a little better, shall we? Keepers:  Diego Benaglio is a good lad. At least I think so, because he plays for a club I really don't give two shits about (is Wolfsburg even an actual place?). He's always performed very well for the Nati. Would start for England for sure.  Yann Sommer plays for a pack of cunts, i. e. Switzerland's Chelsea, i. e. Basel, but no one can deny his ability. Will move to a real league this summer, replacing ter Stegen at Gladbach.  Roman Bürki is by far the most talented young goalkeeper Switzerland has to offer. Signed a contract with Freiburg only yesterday and will do well in the Bundesliga. Funny story: he used to belong to my club, glorious Young Boys, and we sold him for a pittance because ?????. Wait, that's not funny at all  Defenders:  Ricardo Rodriguez is a brilliant left back who, like Benaglio, plays for noted non-team Wolfsburg. I predict great things for him; he'd actually be a good replacement for Cole at Chelsea, but don't tell Morinho, I don't want him to play for those cunts.   Centre backs Johan Djourou and Philippe Senderos with their "boy, I hope no one notices we're not really Swiss"-faces on. Our Arsenal-trained CBs are both utter poo poo, nothing much to say here. This guy's pretty good though:  Basel's (ughghghgh) Fabian Schär, hugely talented, also scores quite a few goals. And then there's my favorite player of them all...  Stephan "Forrest Gump" Lichtsteiner, one of the best right backs in Europe, certified oval office who played for Lazio and plays for Juve and made Celtic fans cry like bitches. Love me some Lichtsteiner. He'll destroy and out-oval office any who dare approach him.  Steve von Bergen, pictured here wearing the greatest kit ever, plays for Young Boys, which makes him cool and good. He's definitely cool and good enough for the Swiss Super League, but will get found out at the World Cup.  Noted bad player and journeyman Reto Ziegler probably won't play much (thank god). If he does, I hope he takes some ripping free kicks, because that's all he's good for. Then there's  Michael Lang. Talented young right back, totally unremarkable, will sit on the bench. Moving on to the midfielders:  Tranquillo Barnetta always seemed to have loads of potential, but then it turned out that he's simply a bit poo poo. Let's hope he spends the World Cup on the bench.  Valon Behrami is a huge oval office whom I love dearly. Will maim and kill opponents as a DM and is absolutely sure to get a red card at some point during the tournament. Has apparently fallen out of favor at Napoli and might move on to Inter this summer.  Blerim Dzemaili? More like Blandim Dzedulli, he's unremarkable as hell. Plays a central midfielder and mostly sits on Napoli's bench I guess.  Oh poo poo, they've sussed me out, they know I'm not really Swiss! Time to cheese it like the fleet-footed motherfucker I am! Gelson Fernandes, like Barnetta, is a prime example of unfulfilled potential. Bone-average player, he is. I guess he's finally found a home at Freiburg after spending like 17 seasons on loan. Scored the greatest goal in world cup history: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iszb_IuMD18  Gökhan Inler, our captain. Great central midfielder, physically imposing, smart, has a vicious shot on him. Much like the other candidates for the deep-lying midfield role, he's not creative at all, which used to be a problem before the emergence of...  Xherdan Shaqiri, our best player by far. Pacy and technical, yet also physical, creative and just a total boss, he can play at any position behind the striker. His season was marred by injuries and who knows whether he'll even figure in Pep's plans for next season. Might be well-advised to leave Bayern and go someplace he'll start every week. Recently revealed in an interview that he's basically best buddies with Ribéry, which is just weird.  Valentin Stocker is a very good, tricky winger, also sadly plays for Basel - but not for long, since he'll move to Hertha Berlin this summer. Could probably have done better, but there it is.  Granit Xhaka plays for Gladbach, where he slips in and out of the first team. Not a very convincing player IMO. Hitzfeld loves to deploy him as a trequartista of sorts, even though he's been a lumbering, bumbling poo poo every single time I've seen him play. Strikers:  Josip Drmic surprised the hell out of everyone this past season, scoring 17 goals in 33 appearances for Nürnberg, who still managed to get relegated. Instead of moving on to a top top club like Arsenal, as Lothar Matthäus predicted, he will be a Leverkusen player next season.  Mario Gavranovic couldn't hack it in the Bundesliga and now enjoys being the big fish in FC Zürich's tiny pond. Garbageman.  Admir Mehmedi is a good lad who means well and has actually done well for Freiburg this season (12 goals, 4 assists in 32 appearances).  Haris Seferovic is talented and all, but a huge rear end in a top hat who alienates and antagonizes everyone. Not sure why Hitzfeld took him, Derdyiok is also a failure, but at least not a such a total bloody oval office. These fine, upstanding and above all 100% Swiss men will take on Ecuador, France and Honduras in the group stage. They will destroy them all. And then football is well and truly coming home. Wengy fucked around with this message at 08:38 on May 26, 2014 |
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May 25, 2014 17:43
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Why are all your players naked
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May 25, 2014 17:47
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What kind of a question is that? Who doesn't love naked men? ffs.
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May 25, 2014 17:52
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Do you guys know how hot it gets in Manaus. That city is right in the middle of a very humid and hot jungle. HTH.
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May 25, 2014 17:55
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Wengy posted:What kind of a question is that? Who doesn't love naked men? ffs.
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May 25, 2014 17:56
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Kanthulhu posted:Do you guys know how hot it gets in Manaus. That city is right in the middle of a very humid and hot jungle. HTH. And so everyone gets naked to cool off? Makes sense.
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May 25, 2014 17:56
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I think we are going to see some europeans pass out from the heat this next world cup. It's going to be a lot of fun.
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May 25, 2014 18:01
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Schär, Stocker and Shaqiri are cool and good.
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May 25, 2014 18:14
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I love Shaq and Ottmar and hope they do well at the WC That is all.
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May 25, 2014 18:26
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Lichtsteiner owns
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May 25, 2014 18:30
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Kanthulhu posted:I think we are going to see some europeans pass out from the heat this next world cup. It's going to be a lot of fun. Manaus is a big topic in the Swiss media, they're all secretly mad that Big Sepp Blatter didn't prevent us playing there.
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May 25, 2014 18:52
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Do Swiss people actually like Blatter? Are they proud that the biggest, most corrupt oval office on the planet is their fellow countryman?
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May 25, 2014 19:08
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Bogan Krkic posted:Why are all your players naked Less importantly, why is this the Swiss team and not Albania or Turkey?
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May 25, 2014 19:11
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Wengy posted:Manaus is a big topic in the Swiss media, they're all secretly mad that Big Sepp Blatter didn't prevent us playing there. It's a shame he could only get you the tournaments easiest group and also a top seed.
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May 25, 2014 19:11
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Mr. Mambold posted:Less importantly, why is this the Swiss team and not Albania or Turkey? Holy poo poo. You've been warned. Blocher has been dispatched to your house.
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May 25, 2014 19:35
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Gigi Galli posted:It's a shame he could only get you the tournaments easiest group and also a top seed. lol if you think we won't find a way to gently caress up against Honduras like we did in 2010 (a win would've seen us through and we couldn't buy a goal). As for Blatter, I think everyone here is aware that FIFA is a corrupt entity and he's the worst of them all. Everyone I know is embarrassed as gently caress by him and FIFA's dealings. However, I'm sure there's a ton of assholes who are "proud" of him or something, especially in his shithole canton.
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May 25, 2014 19:38
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Wengy posted:Holy poo poo. You've been warned. Blücher has been dispatched to your house. F-Frau Blücher? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdIID_TGwhM
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May 25, 2014 19:42
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Wengy posted:lol if you think we won't find a way to gently caress up against Honduras like we did in 2010 (a win would've seen us through and we couldn't buy a goal). I was born in the same place as Sepp Blatter just saying
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May 25, 2014 19:55
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I'm not even trying to be funny, just curious, but how many players on the team are actually Swiss again?
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May 25, 2014 20:05
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I want Switzerland to be humiliated forever for allowing the poo poo show that is FIFA
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May 25, 2014 20:14
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Seltzer posted:I'm not even trying to be funny, just curious, but how many players on the team are actually Swiss again? if you are not trying to be funny you are really dumb
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May 25, 2014 20:21
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oliwan posted:I was born in the same place as Sepp Blatter just saying Sorry about your genes   I actually love the Wallis, immensely beautiful region and mostly nice people. But don't tell Blatter I said that.
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May 25, 2014 20:27
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Seltzer posted:I'm not even trying to be funny, just curious, but how many players on the team are actually Swiss again? Michi Lang and Steve von Bergen. The rest are Trinidadian imports.
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May 25, 2014 20:28
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Wengy posted:For one, we're actually football's literal home, since we house FIFA, the most corrupt organization in the world, headed by a Swiss man from a canton known for stupidity and incest. That's right, if you post "it's coming home" you're rooting for us. Thanks, by the way. Lol I was going to make the same observation, except about how the industrious Swiss imported football to  the continent, i.e. the place where it belongs, i.e. solidly outside of the grasp of perfidious Albion (1966 excepted).Anyway, please don't have a game as bad and boring and terrible as the one against Ukraine (rip) in 2006 and please do beat Spain again. Thanks
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May 25, 2014 20:32
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Wengy posted:Sorry about your genes It's okay, everyone im Wallis hates Blatter too.
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May 25, 2014 20:40
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I live in Zurich so I thought I should pop in here. I know nothing of swiss football except that they've got annoying hooligans that make a mess out of our nice trains. I try to watch some swiss football every now and again but it's all really bad and boring. We are in a pretty bad group so we should be doing ok Hopp Scwiiz!
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May 25, 2014 21:27
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Been there, it was cool.
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May 25, 2014 23:55
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Wengy posted:Michi Lang and Steve von Bergen. The rest are Trinidadian imports. I thought Lichtsteiner was legit Swiss too, at least when some meme went around after one of the aforementioned racist referenda that showed what the Swiss team would be like "if SVP had their way" he was the only guy on the pitch.
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May 26, 2014 00:03
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Troy Queef posted:I thought Lichtsteiner was legit Swiss too, at least when some meme went around after one of the aforementioned racist referenda that showed what the Swiss team would be like "if SVP had their way" he was the only guy on the pitch. lol But seriously fellas, you know these guys are all "legit Swiss", right? Because drat.
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May 26, 2014 06:53
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Smirr posted:Lol I was going to make the same observation, except about how the industrious Swiss imported football to We played that badly on purpose because the German spectators were chanting "Luuuuuukas Podooooolski". Looking back, joke's on them, chanting Lukas Podolski is certainly more embarrassing than playing badly (on purpose).
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May 26, 2014 06:54
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This is my favorite thread!
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May 26, 2014 07:28
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all the players in the Swiss team are Swiss. I know, it's a real shocker.
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May 26, 2014 08:14
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oliwan posted:all the players in the Swiss team are Swiss. I know, it's a real shocker. Just wait until Pissflaps chimes in with his weird conspiracy theories!
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May 26, 2014 08:25
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Senderos was poo poo at Fulham, I hope he plays the same for you.
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May 26, 2014 16:46
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Get this, I hope he doesn't play at all! (he probably will)
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May 26, 2014 17:07
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He was pretty robust in Germany, I think I remember some picture of him was blood streaming down his face after he headbutted some S.Korean. I can't help but sing Dir-ty Na-zi Bankers at the screen whenever I see them play though, it's cathartic.
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May 26, 2014 17:30
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Yeah, but that was eight years ago and he was suspect even then. CB really is our weakest position. Schär is good but inexperienced, Senderos and Djourou are intolerably bad, and von Bergen had a great season... in Switzerland.
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May 26, 2014 17:39
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Wengy posted:Yeah, but that was eight years ago and he was suspect even then. CB really is our weakest position. Schär is good but inexperienced, Senderos and Djourou are intolerably bad, and von Bergen had a great season... in Switzerland. ah. I always thought(without ever double checking - because I'm that lazy), that he was at the top of his game in that period. Who knew.
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May 26, 2014 18:00
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A sweet, stats-fueled American article about a brilliant player: http://grantland.com/the-triangle/soccer-players-you-need-to-know-before-the-world-cup-ricardo-rodriguez/#comments-container
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May 30, 2014 10:13
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| # ? May 17, 2024 09:43 |
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Wengy posted:A sweet, stats-fueled American article about a brilliant player: http://grantland.com/the-triangle/soccer-players-you-need-to-know-before-the-world-cup-ricardo-rodriguez/#comments-container did he decide to play for switzerland because he's not good enough for spain nor chile?
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May 30, 2014 11:33
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