UFC June - Argh Dangestani - The Something Awful Forums

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Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

sportsgenius86 posted:

We'll find out that his wife had accidentally used a foot cream containing an illegal substance

Vitor used some of his wife's anti-aging cream to masturbate and he had a Benjamin Button situation. He decided to withdraw for fear of the drug tester seeing his totally smooth baby carrot penis

# ¿ Jun 2, 2014 20:51

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# ¿ Apr 28, 2024 17:30

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

MassRafTer posted:

Must've been impossible to play duck duck goose with Jones as a kid.

Duck duck Gus

# ¿ Jun 3, 2014 15:42

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

Random question, but I've been thinking of getting a bobblehead for my office desk and just recently found out about the Round 5 figures. Some of the ones from the older series are pretty cheap online and having a 6" Chael or Maia on my desk might suppress the feelings of existential nausea that come from my 8:30-5 job. Anyone here have one and can attest to their value for money?

The guy who makes them sadly has never produced a Mark Hunt figure, for which I encourgae you to berate him on Twitter (@round5figures)

# ¿ Jun 5, 2014 20:34

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

Triticum Guzzler posted:

Jon Jones is just Roy Nelson placed in the body of a man who is a loving amazing fighter

What has Roy Nelson done that's bad? Other than a few of his fights, I don't really know that much about him.

Also amazed when I learned he has a black belt in BJJ from a Gracie.

# ¿ Jun 6, 2014 17:29

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

In the statement it says he took the test on February 7, so why try and change the date (other than being an idiot)?

edit: nvm, read the pdf, that was from a collection date of Feb 1, although it says so on the report, so I have no idea why they included the page with the crudely altered 7 to 1

Panama Red fucked around with this message at 18:48 on Jun 6, 2014

# ¿ Jun 6, 2014 18:44

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

The collection dates on the reports jive with the dates on the cover pages, however crudely altered they may be. It's hard to gauge whether the reports before or after the 2/7/2014 test are indeed "normal" since only the last report states explicitly that Vitor "HR Giger" Belfort suffers from low T

# ¿ Jun 6, 2014 18:58

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

Isn't it pretty much a given the NSAC will license Belfort anyway? If the UFC is out there promoting the fight as between Belfort and Sonnen it seems like they're hit him with a slap on the wrist at worst.

# ¿ Jun 6, 2014 19:37

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

As awesomely bad as they are, the crudely altered dates are only on unnecessary cover pages. The reports themselves show the same dates as the altered ones, so it's not like Belfort tried to change dates

More damning are the blacked out out-of-range hematocrit and monocytes counts on one of the tests supposed to prove that Belfort "went back" to normal testosterone levels

Panama Red fucked around with this message at 21:04 on Jun 6, 2014

# ¿ Jun 6, 2014 21:00

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

No hat-eating likely this year (unless Wandy gets the munchies and confuses Nurmagomedov's hat for a small mammal)

http://mmajunkie.com/2014/06/ufcs-marc-ratner-on-mma-in-new-york-were-not-going-to-get-it-done-this-year

quote:

The 2014 legislative session is coming to a close next week in New York, and the UFC is preparing to be passed up once again.

UFC Vice President of Regulatory Affairs Marc Ratner told MMAjunkie Radio that while he is cautiously optimistic of a break in the stalemate that�s kept professional MMA out of New York, he doesn�t expect this year�s legalization bills to pass.

�It�s never made it to the floor; I would say it will not make it to the floor again (this year),� Ratner said this past Friday.

In May, a bill that would bring the UFC to New York City�s storied Madison Square Garden passed the state senate by a wide margin, marking the fifth time MMA legislation has made it through one house in the legislature. In the previous four voting sessions, however, the legislation has died in the assembly.

# ¿ Jun 10, 2014 17:48

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

# ¿ Jun 10, 2014 21:10

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

UFC 175: Presented by Clomid

# ¿ Jun 10, 2014 21:55

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

# ¿ Jun 11, 2014 01:10

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

The NSAC loves money for Nevada. Vitor still has a good chance of staying on the card. It's too bad about Chael but like others have said, the UFC sticks by their guys. The only real loser in this is Wandy, who just plain ran away. If he had just taken the test and failed like Chael, he'd still be in the exact same situation but at least with one or two vestiges of dignity intact.

# ¿ Jun 11, 2014 01:23

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

*Anderson Silva is reading an large leather-bound book in the Rio de Janeiro library*
Anderson: Espere ... O que � que??
*Anderson takes out a magnifying glass and examines two mutated spheroids*
Anderson: Meu Deus ... � saco de Sonnen!!!

After reading a little about the drugs Chael was busted for and TRT, I could buy "clomid for the kids" since it enhances sperm in a way that exogeneous testosterone does not, but I couldn't find a single bit of evidence that anastrozole (the breast cancer drug) has anything to do with fertility. I mean, the fact that they are 100% banned substances and there is no distinction between "game day" and "out of competition" renders the whole thing moot, but you have to admire the Chael Sonnen PR machine.

I mean look at this doublespeak:

quote:

On Tuesday, however, Sonnen made no mention of retirement and defended his use of the two banned substances.

"These are not performance-enhancing drugs," Sonnen said. "They are not steroids of any kind. It's very tough to be caught in this. They changed the rules. I have to comply with rules. However, there is a transition period. I couldn't have been more open or transparent. Anybody I could talk to about this, I did."

According to sources with the NSAC, Sonnen never informed the commission he was using the two substances. Sonnen admitted that later in the interview.

"I wanted to deal with UFC officials. I had no opportunity to go before the commission. I had not spoken to them," Sonnen said.

Love it.

# ¿ Jun 11, 2014 14:49

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

In non-Chael news, Arlovski says Schaub doesn't have a glass jaw and neither does he http://mmajunkie.com/2014/06/as-he-starts-his-comeback-story-arlovski-not-banking-on-glass-jawed-schaub

quote:

Brendan Schaub�s detractors say his chin is questionable, that he can�t take a punch from an elite striker. Former UFC champ Andrei Arlovski, no stranger to those types of criticisms, isn�t buying it.

�I think it�s all BS.� Arlovski told MMAjunkie. �People say I had a glass jaw or weak chin, too, and when I fought Anthony �Rumble� Johnson, the referee fell asleep, and I had the broken jaw in the first round because the referee made a mistake. I fought the second and third rounds with a broken jaw in two places, and he didn�t finish me.

�I think it�s all bull�t. The heavyweight division, if you land a good, good punch in the right place, everybody is going to fall.�

# ¿ Jun 11, 2014 20:09

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

My Chael action man came the other day just in time to remind me at work of our big dumb sport

Shriveled gonads not included

# ¿ Jun 12, 2014 15:13

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

origami posted:

Where'd you get that? I want an Overeem.

edit:
That looks like Perosh

Round5 is the company that makes them: http://www.round5figures.com/by-fighter/

Here's the PRIDE version of the Reem: http://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Coll...=OVEREEM+ROUND5

# ¿ Jun 12, 2014 16:47

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

http://www.mmamania.com/2014/6/12/5804208/hes-back-mark-munoz-inks-four-fight-ufc-contract-mma

Mark Munoz says he has re-signed with the UFC

# ¿ Jun 12, 2014 20:01

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

Well can anyone prove Rory DOESN'T have a closet full of skulls, stacked chronologically by murder

# ¿ Jun 12, 2014 20:39

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

As if on cue, Rory makes an appeal for Bitcoin sponsors: http://instagram.com/p/pJw1u1w0ou/

# ¿ Jun 12, 2014 21:02

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

Interesting article on how locks are becoming more rare in modern MMA: http://msn.foxsports.com/ufc/story/the-art-of-submissions-061214

quote:

Through 211 fights since the start of the year, only two fights have been finished due to submissions involving locks, and one of them was a kimura combined with an inverted triangle that had its victim Tim Boetsch so checkmated that it was either tap or total shoulder destruction.

In 211 fights, there has been one armbar.

No straight kimuras. No kneebars or achilles locks. No keylocks or heel hooks. Indeed, it seems as though the fight world has become immune to joint locks. When it comes to submissions these days, it's an art. And in 2014, the art of submissions has mostly become the art of chokes.

"There are so many things that make the moment for a submission," said Raphael Assuncao, the likely next UFC bantamweight title challenger who has 10 tapouts in 22 career wins. "There is timing, muscle memory, a lot of times power. When you commit, you have to have power and technique. It has to be sharp. I like to say jiu-jitsu is like mathematics. It has to be exact otherwise you don't have it."

And as the numbers show, submissions on the whole are getting more and more difficult to pull off.

As recently as 2006, when the UFC's schedule first began its worldwide expansion, submissions accounted for 32.3 percent of all fight endings. By 2010, that number had sunk to 24.1 percent. So far through 2014, only 15.2 percent of bouts have ended via submission.

So in eight years, the submission rate has been cut by more than half.

# ¿ Jun 13, 2014 15:52

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

In non-Dana news, Duane Ludwig is officially done with Team Alpha Male: https://twitter.com/TJDillashaw/statuses/477176262591397889

# ¿ Jun 13, 2014 17:20

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

Reminder that Nate Diaz went from $74,000 for his fight at UFC 141 to $30,000 for the TUF 18 finale because Mike Kogan, in his words, "sucks as a manager" http://www.bjpenn.com/mike-kogan-diazs-salary-dropped-because-i-suck-as-a-manager-lol/

# ¿ Jun 17, 2014 21:10

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

I'm a MMA novice, is there a reason why we should hate Miescha Tate?

And I do feel bad for Rin Nakai. If even half of the stuff written about how protected/exploited she is true, Jesus loving Christ

Lastly, when people post on here about "herb" or "herbing," what does that refer to?

# ¿ Jun 19, 2014 19:55

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

I am sure this isn't at all relevant here: http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-average-male-4000-less-effective-in-fights,36321/

quote:

Contradicting the long-held belief that they would just go off and destroy anyone who tried to mess with them, a Department of Health and Human Services report published Thursday revealed that U.S. males would be on average 4,000 percent less effective in a fight than they imagine. �Despite the typical American male�s conviction that he would viciously beat down anyone who came at him and end the whole thing with one punch, we found that in the event of an actual violent altercation, most adult men would almost certainly injure themselves far worse than any assailant,� read the 80-page report, which went on to confirm that nearly all American males would be unable to execute a single maneuver they envision themselves capable of performing, be it an uppercut, a roundhouse, or grabbing an opponent by the back of the neck and smashing his face down into the bar.

# ¿ Jun 20, 2014 17:14

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

Once Chad Mendes was a little boy with dreams of being a big boy. But now he's a big boy and Jose Aldo is a not so big boy anymore: http://www.bloodyelbow.com/2014/6/20/5826134/chad-mendes-sees-no-evolution-in-jose-aldo-can-beat-nova-uniao-mma-news

quote:

"Honestly, watching his last fights, I couldn't see any sign of evolution. He basically bets on what he is good and he's doing always the same things. I think that this fight will be excited to the fans because of that, since I have completely changed. There are so much things that I've learned in the stand up game. Even my Wrestling is better. There was a moment in our first fight that I took him down and I felt a size difference because I was a lot smaller than him at that time but now this difference won't be that big. I know that I have an athletic capacity to face him equally, possibly higher than his capacity. I feel that my striking, my Jiu-Jitsu and my Wrestling are better now. I feel that I'm now a well rounded martial artist."

# ¿ Jun 20, 2014 18:47

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

Bluedeanie posted:

Ronda's a baby largely because she isn't that bright and was raised by a scary crazy woman and her dad killed himself, she's basically a low-tier Batman villain in terms of backstory and modus operandi. Jon Jones is just a garden-variety sniveling prick.

I wondered how someone who believes Sandy Hook was a gov't conspiracy could seemingly be a normal functioning person, so this explains it

# ¿ Jun 20, 2014 19:19

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

Intel&Sebastian posted:

Ronda is an angry dork and has weird reactions to things but it's hard to blame her because it doesn't come off as calculated. Half the time you can see Jon Jones furrowing his brow trying to figure out what node to follow that will clearly demonstrate that you care more about instagram trolling than the guy who stalked a Gus fan on twitter to a different social media service just to post comments on their pictures calling them fags.

I was listening to the most recent MMA Hour and I was cringing like a madman listening to Ariel Helwani walking Jon Jones through the "explanations" for his recent behavior, with Jones readily agreeing with every excuse Ariel was eager to provide him. To the point that Jones went from agreeing that Cormier was "just a pawn" in contract negotiations to making the case for DC fighting him instead of Gus.

Rory gets a lot of poo poo for coming across as bland and awkward, but Jones is sort of like this, in that he acts like a spoiled and petulant child and then latches onto whatever narrative is presented him as a rationalization. Coming out and saying he's a heel instead of genuinely behaving like one is case in point

# ¿ Jun 20, 2014 19:40

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

Bean Fried posted:

Although I do think the UFC needs to pull back on shows a bit, if they weren't developing some of those dudes in smaller matches on smaller cards, no one would care about them on the bigger ones. I'm pretty sure there's a superior middle ground between keeping a roster of 500+ fighters, and cutting back by 70%.

This kind of fell away due to the Rin Nakai convo but this deserves some attention. There's also a fairly decent Deadspin (I know) article about the UFC's hypersaturation and these cards that no one cares about : http://deadspin.com/whatever-happened-to-the-ufc-1596400838

As someone just getting into MMA and the UFC, this has probably been my biggest gripe so far. If I wasn't going through the Fight Pass library and looking at some great fights from the past, I would probably be inclined to tune out on the vast majority of fights that have been made lately. It's so bizarre that there is so much UFC happening and yet I'm only somewhat interested in a handful of these fights. I realize there are so many injuries going on right now, but you have to think that with so many fighters spread out over so many cards, that's only to create a grinder to eat up more guys.

Also, I'm rooting for Machida against Weidman, even if wrestling is kryptonite for Brazilians

# ¿ Jun 27, 2014 20:49

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# ¿ Apr 28, 2024 17:30

Panama Red: Jul 30, 2003; Only in America could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude on self destruct

DumbWhiteGuy posted:

The problem is also exacerbated by them adding new weightclasses at the same time they are trying to get into all these international markets.

That's something else that's curious to me. Where did the Flyweight division come from? It was pretty cool when Cruz, Faber, Mighty Mouse, Benavidez, Pickett, etc. were all in one division. Is it because Flyweight fighters primarily struggle to compete with fighters who more naturally fit into the larger weight classes? Or is just a case of spreading the talent out, having another champion, etc.?

Speaking of Cruz and Faber, their STATIC rivalry video came out while the forums were down: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16bLZhbbkA8

Am I crazy or are the Cruz and Faber fights not on UFC Fight Pass? I was disappointed I couldn't find them when I looked for them.

# ¿ Jun 27, 2014 21:56

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