The Strain on FX: Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > TV IV > The Strain on FX: Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill

LeJackal: Apr 5, 2011

Sucrose posted:

Yeah, needless to say, any vampire book/movie where the vampires aren't monsters that desperately need to suck human blood isn't worth reading.

You might like David Wellington's work then. He wrote a pretty neat series of vampire books and the first is available free online.

13 Bullets posted:

I turned my head sideways feeling like I was being crushed in a giant hand�I could see everything normally but I could barely move. Framed perfectly in the shattered safety glass was Lares� grinning, torn-up face. Rain was washing the blood off his mouth but it didn�t improve his looks. His glasses were ruined, twisted arms of tortoiseshell and cobwebbed lenses. At least one of Webster�s shots had gone in through Lares� right eye. The white jelly inside had burst outward and I could see red bone in the socket. The other two bullets had gone into the side of his nose and his right cheek. The wounds were horrible, bloody, and definitely fatal.

As I watched they undid themselves. It was like when you run over one of those shatterproof trash cans and they slowly but surely undent themselves, returning to their former shape in seconds. A puff of white smoke in Lares� vacant eye socket solidified, plumped out into a brand new eyeball. The wound in his nose shrank away to nothing and the one in his cheek might as well have been a trick of the light. Like a shadow it just disappeared.

When he was whole and clean again he slowly took the broken glasses off his face and threw them over his shoulder. Then he opened his mouth and grinned. Every one of his teeth was sharpened to a point. It wasn�t like in the movies at all. It looked more like the mouth of a shark, with row after row of tiny knives embedded in his gums. He gave us a good, long look at his mouth and then he jumped over our car. I could hear his feet beating on the roof and he was all at once on the other side. He hit the ground running, running toward Liberty Avenue.

Things get worse.

# ¿ Jul 28, 2014 13:53

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# ¿ Apr 28, 2024 03:06

LeJackal: Apr 5, 2011

unlawfulsoup posted:

All of the characters are awful, except for the health inspector and pawn shop old guy.

Watching for Russian exterminator who saves world.

Hold on a second....an irate no-nonsense Russian and a victimized Polish Jew team up to stop a Nazi-vampire?

That is too crazy.

# ¿ Jul 29, 2014 19:56

LeJackal: Apr 5, 2011

Basticle posted:

The old guy is Armenian

Ya got me.

# ¿ Jul 29, 2014 23:20

LeJackal: Apr 5, 2011

etalian posted:

if wonder if the nazi vampire puts on a fake penis as part of the disguise.

There is no shortage of supply in a variety of medical and recreational artificial dicks. They even have fun fantasy colors and shapes these days!

# ¿ Aug 1, 2014 16:51

LeJackal: Apr 5, 2011

Drifter posted:

"Hmmm. DO I feel like Engorged Dragon today, or Tsexy Tsigani? Nah, I'll just go with the ol' standby, Black - 11 inch. Tomorrow I'll do Soviet Powerhouse."

"You've got a weird looking face, talk funny, and something about your stare is off.......are you some kinda vampire?"

*unzips slacks*

"Oh I see, you're some breed of otherkin. My mistake."

# ¿ Aug 1, 2014 18:36

LeJackal: Apr 5, 2011

I feel a little bad about it, but that smug little nurse/daughter got her comeuppance. "Stupid, superstitious mom saying there are some evil spirits and bad poo poo going on up there! What an ignorant old biddy! I will prove her wrong and OH GOD MONSTER!" *gets headshot*

# ¿ Aug 26, 2014 04:55

LeJackal: Apr 5, 2011

Drifter posted:

^^^ - What the hell shows are you watching about syphilis and train explosions?

EVERYONE would have done what the daughter did though.

"gently caress, mom is trying to steal her employers kids. I better nip this in the bud."

I wouldn't - but I don't assume that my mom is a dumb gently caress that would just take kids for no reason. I would probably ask - "Well, why do you think its an evil place and they would be in danger?" Seems like a relevant question, but only if you aren't a smug little poo poo who assumes you know better than your parents just because you have a fancy nursing degree. Maybe 'der is an evil der, a dark loa has possessed her' is just the traditional Haitian mom's way of trying to express that the kids are being abused (because she lacks the training and nuance to recognize and express that properly)? As a nurse that would be something the daughter should be aware of and potentially looking for. Even the old 'her eyes got all weird and lizard-y and she's sniffing at the kids like she's going to eat them and looks all corpsey' is some pretty good information. The kind that would combine with 'weird abandoned taxi and other creepy poo poo' that would immediately make anyone not convinced they know better than anyone else to GTFO and call some cops.

Then again, she got her comeuppance!

The Silver Medal for Dumbass That Got What's Coming goes to the cab driver! Yes, weird monster corpses with monster tongues are trying to get you while you sit safely inside your taxi. Should you drive away, presumably faster than the monsters can follow? gently caress that, you'd better clamber outside your cab and fight them!

# ¿ Aug 26, 2014 12:53

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# ¿ Apr 28, 2024 03:06

LeJackal: Apr 5, 2011

CODChimera posted:

That girl running out of the store and surviving was the funniest thing. I wish we got more moments like that.

I need to take that entire sequence and cut it with some classic Benny Hill music.

"Don't go out there, you'll die instantly!"
*dodges all vampires*

# ¿ Sep 2, 2014 13:05

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > TV IV > The Strain on FX: Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill