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On the plus side, I suspected inbreeding (...somehow...) but I couldn't have said why I thought that, specifically, and nothing indicated it was manipulating ages; you were far too disjointed for that to make sense. Throwing in comments on ethnic names and racial...whatever the gently caress that was had nothing to do with anything. Someone im irc thought you had created a world of mixed ethnicity and these guys were racists who had used genetic manipulation to keep the family white, which still made no sense. Don't tell. This story was entirely telling yet you couldn't even make the "plot" clear. Don't go on tangents to irrelevant flashbacks. Don't focus on a bored character, it makes for a bored reader. Don't use multiple punctuation marks (ie "Why not????") or ALL-CAPS for emphasis; if you feel compelled to do that, your dialogue is weak. Also don't write out someone laughing, it's very kid's-book. Honestly this was atrocious. First-time 14-year-old roleplayer bad. Read some basic grammar books, such as Elements of Style, and pay attention to the books you read and make notes of why you like particular characters, turns of phrase, and plot developments. Right now you have no grasp of writing at all.
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Jul 22, 2014 22:49
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| # ¿ May 5, 2024 13:02 |
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