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https://docs.google.com/document/d/18axrK1i4Evd2WjAC4G7Y0vqjaS_ioSIpRb-0j30u2yk/edit?usp=sharing So I've been working on this a bit. I've taken it to a few workshops, but I thought I would try to expand the number of viewpoints I was getting on this story after being told that I should stop writing and become a preacher, based on the tone of this work. I'm definitely thinking that I need to better establish the protagonist in the beginning and develop him better in the middle, break up the sparse sentences with new sentence structures and work on some choppiness between scenes as well.
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Dec 18, 2014 06:26
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I enjoyed reading this! I felt like I was right back in high school with the dialogue. It felt very natural to me. I was a bit confused as to how Billy developed at the end, though. considering his convictions toward abuse, I'd expected Billy to realize that fighting abuse with violence was rarely a good idea and help Sarasota by doing so. It bothered me that he ended up ignoring her and then apologized to an alleged abuser. Rather than development, it just seemed out of character to me. That may just be me projecting what I wanted to happen, though.
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Dec 18, 2014 06:57
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If I might say, though, you should try not to take crits so much to heart. It's just words, and if they're right then you need to hear them, and if they wrong then you should ignore them. It can be difficult to work out which is which, but that's your job to handle.
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Dec 18, 2014 12:40
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Upon some reflection, the last segment feels like misdirection, because I'm interested much more in what's going on in Sarasota's family, than in Billy's character growth. If I may speculate, you've tried to not very successfully fit an adult, complex situation into a barebones arc. I'd really appreciate if Sarasota's story were explored in more detail. For more points, I'd experiment with Billy's internal monolog, or at least descriptions of his experience.
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Dec 18, 2014 15:49
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