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hubris.height
Jan 6, 2005



Pork Pro

these are good insults so far, and i am insulted and shamed at my inability to write a mean thing.

keep going, these are the best stories so far.

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POOL IS CLOSED
Jul 14, 2011

I'm just exploding with mackerel. This is the aji wo kutta of my discontent.


Pillbug

hubris.height posted:

these are good insults so far, and i am insulted and shamed at my inability to write a mean thing.

keep going, these are the best stories so far.

Shift key?

I'm ashamed of you by proxy. Write the mean thing.

SkaAndScreenplays
Dec 11, 2013

by FactsAreUseless


hubris.height posted:

these are good insults so far, and i am insulted and shamed at my inability to write a mean thing.

keep going, these are the best stories so far.

Your inability to properly capitalize is its own insult. Not only to those of us who suffer through it but also to the television which raised you and the closed captions which taught you words.

hubris.height
Jan 6, 2005



Pork Pro

Whoops, forgot which forum I was poo poo posting in. Apologies, I didn't mean to expose everyone to that kind of filth.

hubris.height
Jan 6, 2005



Pork Pro

Nope

It's Monday morning, and when I open the door and sit down, I count the minutes until I am hailed by the smell of warm farts when you say hello. You'll start by describing to me, in graphic detail, what is without a doubt, the least interesting story about camping since the movie Without a Paddle. I wish that you had seen stars before being put behind bars, Betty.

A Classy Ghost
Jul 21, 2003

this wine has a fantastic booquet


take the moon
Feb 12, 2011



frig i forgot to actually say that my story spoils curlingiron's so please please dont read it first

ButtWolf
Dec 30, 2004

Hey, you want a toothpick?


Is it prompt day? I'm so excited.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

depends. Results usually come between Monday evening and Tuesday afternoon. 30 is a biggish week, so there may be some judge fightin'.

Prompt comes whenever the lazy rear end winner gets around to making it, which is most usually a few hours after results. until then: interprompt

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

INTERPROMPT 2: JUST INSULT SOMEBODY



YOU CAN STILL WRITE ABOUT BEES IF YOU WANT BUT I WANNA SEE YOU JUST LET LOOSE ON SOME UNFORTUNATE DICKHEAD.

someone in this thread is pretty average

won't say who though

Blue Wher
Apr 27, 2010

"Dear Strong Feraligatr,

How do you read Pelipper mail with such big, meaty claws on?

Axew,
Post Town, Canada"

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

INTERPROMPT 2: JUST INSULT SOMEBODY



YOU CAN STILL WRITE ABOUT BEES IF YOU WANT BUT I WANNA SEE YOU JUST LET LOOSE ON SOME UNFORTUNATE DICKHEAD.

I received a letter today, though it wasn't like any other letter I had ever received in the mail. For one, the envelope was most certainly autoluminescent. But wait, it gets weirder. Instead of it being put in a mailbox like a normal letter, it dropped from the ceiling and embedded one corner of itself in my desk, like a shuriken. Once I dislodged it, I read it. It said,

Dear [Real life name of SA Forums User Blue Wher redacted for privacy purposes],

You're a buffoon who needs to get their poo poo together. Seriously. I could be, like, an astrophysicist by now if you weren't such a depressed, sad sack but noooooooooooooooo. Instead, I'm working a miserable job at VoidMart. You're capable of better, so get off your lazy rear end and do it.

Sincerely,
You 15 years from the moment you read this letter.

P.S. We just discovered how to travel beyond the speed of light, which, if you get off your rear end and go to school, you'll probably be among the scientists who invent it. Lazy rear end.

P.P.S. Time travel causes objects to be covered in luminescent goop. Don't worry, it shouldn't give you cancer or anything.


And all I could think was, 'we invent time travel in the future, so of course what I do with it is to yell at my past self.' I was not surprised by this, as I've always been my own worst critic. I crumpled the letter and put it in a dresser drawer before I returned to what I was doing before: dicking around on the internet.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

High marks for compassion, low marks for survival skills





Some more (belated) line-crits from Week 149, for Masonity, Mercedes, Megazvaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar, s7ndicate3, Grizzled Patriarch, and Ironic Twist.

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Thanks for the crits docbeard!

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003





Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Week 152 Judgment
































will happen eventually

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

fjgj

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry










The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


thread: pls give us fjgj

sittinghere:


thread: no

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

ATTN: ALL STAFF















<3,

CEO

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Thunderdumb Weak One-Fiddy-Three: Gather Your Party


(click the pic for some mood-setting music)

ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE!

So it turns out one of the biggest sins you can commit in genre fiction is writing fantasy that reads like a D&D session after action report. Well this week we say nuts to that cause that's exactly what I want. Sort of. Hear me out.

Something I've noticed a lot of 'domers struggle with (including yours truly) is coming up with engaging characters. I can't tell you how many stories I've read where the protagonist was just some inoffensively bland everyman I was somehow supposed to relate to, or a huge jerk because huge jerks are interesting by default, right? Right? Probably my second-most repeated critique of other people's work here has been some variation of "I didn't like your characters," "I didn't care about your characters," with the first being "You didn't write me a story; why didn't you write me a story?" Characters should be the lifeblood of your story. Pretty prose doesn't count for much when I can't stand your cast.

Consider this week, then, a workshop week.

This week I want stories of high adventure set against a suitably fantastical backdrop. Rather than a single, selfish protagonist, your story should feature an ensemble cast of at least three but no more than five core characters, adventurers all, though I'll let you get away with one more if they're up against some baddie (presuming the baddie's the extra guy). Each of these characters should be distinct enough that you could remove all dialogue attribution and still tell who was saying what in any given conversation. Needless to say, good character chemistry is a must, though don't assume that means everybody has to get along.

Additionally, every character should have some role they are clearly fulfilling. Everyone should have a place in the group, whether it's swinging a sword or slinging spells, balancing the books or cooking up dinner. No tag along dudes who are just there to be there.

In terms of story content, I'm willing to be a bit more flexible. Maybe your dudes just stumbled into an ancient crypt. Maybe they're recuperating around the campfire just after narrowly escaping with their lives. Maybe they're confronting a great evil. Maybe a wizard hired them to clean his house (they needed the money), only he forgot to mention the books in his library are literally alive and cast the spells in their pages on people they don't recognize. Maybe it's everyone's day off. As long as a clear arc of some kind is present, I'm even open to things bordering on vignettes. Still no fanfiction or erotica though. Nope.

And no swearing, long as we're on the subject. Swearing can be a useful tool to have in your toolbox, but too many of you guys just throw it around willy-nilly without a thought for how it affects the tone and temperament of your story as a whole. No swearing. I mean it. Not even the little ones even your ultra-conservative grandmother uses from time to time. If you wanna write the kinda character who'd swear casually or to make a point or whatever, consider instead some other means of communicating their personality beyond suddenly including the word "gently caress!" in the middle of your otherwise gently caress-less story.

Other things I don't wish to see include intrusive worldbuilding, the specific and particular mechanics behind whatever brand of magic you decided to use, and stock fantasy races acting like their stereotypes. You know what I mean.

To take the edge off all these hoops I'm making you guys jump through, you have 1,500 words with which to stretch your legs. That's like 200 more than last week! Usually I'd cap you guys at 1k.

Sign-ups begin now and end Friday at 11:59 PM PST. Submissions are due Sunday, exactly 48 hours later (which is to say, again, 11:59 PM PST).

A prompt leaps forth from the underbrush. Doth thou accept its challenge?

DUNGEON MASTERS
Bad Seafood
Broenheim
Mercedes

PLAYER CHARACTERS
Curlingiron - The ancient artifact wasn't what anyone expected, but we're okay with that now.
SkaAndScreenplays - The druid's nudity helps them commune with nature, but the rest of the party remains unconvinced. Avoid common nudist stereotypes.
Kurona_bright - Last week some wizards got drunk and totally mucked around with the local topography. The cartography office is assigning escorts to the new survey teams.
Painted Bird - Your party wizard may have embellished the level of magical expertise on his resume juuust a bit.
Bompacho - We never set out to be kings but here we are.
Hubris.height - THIS WAS NOT THE PARTY YOU ASKED FOR, BUT IT'S THE ONE YOU'VE GOT. SORRY.
RedTonic - The party cleric seeks to alleviate the barbarian's crippling illiteracy.
Benny Profane - Just a couple of kids playing pretend. Maybe.
Killer-of-Lawyers - Your party fighter wields the Sword of Constructive Criticism, which counts as one of your three-to-five characters all by itself. Four characters minimum.
Grizzled Patriarch - You know what my favorite fantasy mook is? Skeletons. Skeletons rule. Include some skeletons in your story.
Theblunderbuss - Never accept free drinks.
Thranguy - They can't stop us. We're on a mission from God.
Docbeard - The party paladin is increasingly concerned over the cleric's liberal use of blood ritual and raising the dead.
Jonked - Your party awakens in the deepest, darkest dungeon of the goblin king.
LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE - A diplomatic mission means you have to kill less people. Usually. Preferably.
N. Senada - The guild accountants take issue with some of your party's more questionable expenses.
HopperUK - Your party has entered...THE TOMB OF HORRORS.
Blue Wher - Supplies are dwindling, coffers are empty, and the party's starving. Time to go hunting.
Djeser
Epoch.
C7ty1 - The party bard parties hard. Everyone else is varying degrees of done with him.
Lazy Beggar - A noble family pays you good money to locate their missing cat. You get nothing if it's dead.
Megazver - The party rogue goes to great lengths to hide that she's a woman.
A Classy Ghost - You split the party.
Unburied - Your party must contend with giant enemy crabs.
Spectres of Autism - One of your characters never speaks, but instead expresses themselves entirely through their actions.
SurreptitiousMuffin
Morning Bell - The party fighter thinks the wizard could benefit from a more active lifestyle.
Jopoho - Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely...but it also ROCKS absolutely too.
Sitting Here - Your party has been accused of a most heinous crime. In order to clear your names, you must apprehend the true culprit.
Meeple - The evil empire isn't actually.
Jagermonster - Your party consists of exactly one weathered veteran with everyone else being novice greenhorns. The veteran cannot be brooding or jaded.
Schneider Heim - Two words: tavern brawl.
Ironic Twist - Your party is full of goblins.
WeLandedOnTheMoon! - You are forbidden from including any of the standard menagerie of fantasy races. At least half your characters must be non-human.
Flesnolk - A fantastical approximation of modern day technology must factor into your story.
Crabrock
SadisTech
The Shortest Path - One of your characters has managed to foster a larger than life reputation. Too bad none of it's true.
DMBoogie
Scridiot
Barbed Tongues - Your characters wake up in the middle of the woods to find someone's stolen all their stuff.
Angel Opportunity
Entenzahn
Pham Nuwen

Bad Seafood fucked around with this message at Jul 11, 2015 around 05:30

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

Adventure Awaits!


Fun Shoe

poo poo yes All right!

I'm IN, and I would like a flash rule, please.

SkaAndScreenplays
Dec 11, 2013

by FactsAreUseless


A neonate enters the tavern. He's covered IN all manner of bodily fluids and looks like he has a story to tell.

He looks over at the sultry tavern wench, expecting her to FLASH him.

SkaAndScreenplays fucked around with this message at Jul 7, 2015 around 07:45

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


curlingiron posted:

poo poo yes All right!

I'm IN, and I would like a flash rule, please.
The ancient artifact wasn't what anyone expected, but we're okay with that now.

SkaAndScreenplays posted:

A neonate enters the tavern. He's covered IN all manner of bodily fluids and looks like he has a story to tell.

He looks over at the sultry tavern wench, expecting her to FLASH him.
The druid's nudity helps them commune with nature, but the rest of the party remains unconvinced. Avoid common nudist stereotypes.

Bad Seafood fucked around with this message at Jul 7, 2015 around 07:54

kurona_bright
Mar 21, 2013


That looks like Etrian Odyssey art. Is it Etrian Odyssey art? (nerd trap sprung )

Regardless, this F.O.E. writer is signing in at Guild HQ and would like a flash rule for this week!

painted bird
Oct 18, 2013

by Lowtax


gently caress, I'm so in. Also, please flash me.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


kurona_bright posted:

That looks like Etrian Odyssey art. Is it Etrian Odyssey art? (nerd trap sprung )

Regardless, this F.O.E. writer is signing in at Guild HQ and would like a flash rule for this week!
Last week some wizards got drunk and totally mucked around with the local topography. The cartography office is assigning escorts to the new survey teams. You in?

The answer to the preceding question was "Yes," just so you know.

painted bird posted:

gently caress, I'm so in. Also, please flash me.
Your party wizard may have embellished the level of magical expertise on his resume juuust a bit.

SkaAndScreenplays
Dec 11, 2013

by FactsAreUseless


St. Maria - JimCunningham
In addition to technical failings like tense changes you didnít really manage to tell a story. Your opening was weak and it didnít really get much better from there. this whole story was just words to me. The dialogue and interactions suffered from you telling us what every character was thinking and the voice was almost exclusively passive. This one was all over the place.

Neddy and Roger Hunt A Giant Spider - NewTestLeper
This was a hell of a story with a wonderful opening. The way you described human body parts as cuts of meat gave the narrative a cohesive voice, and the description of the meat-locker was clean and to the point. This was an early pick for Honorable Mention and it managed to stay near the top even with 28 more stories following after it. USDA GRADE - V: Voidtastic.

A Cat Sized Void In My Heart - Broenheim
This was okay, it didnít fit the prompt all that well in that your department was barely mentioned. Being an ATF employee I was hoping for something a little more splinter-cell for your cat rescue. It was an interesting choice to write your POV character as not liking his department and I think this could have been a lot better if you hadnít just opted to have him state it. Again, not bad, but not by any means a stand-out.

The (One Note) Ballad of Bean Hill - RedTonic
This one was well written but unfortunately felt like it came to its resolution a little too easily and threw out some otherwise interesting tools. Your character was setting up blackmail and addiction to her Golden Bean cold brew as a means of forcing her coworkers to unionize, and just sort of gets her manager to sign off on it. Had a lot of potential but missed some opportunities that could have really elevated it above the others.

Leaves By Night & Flowers By Day - HopperUK
This was a cute and fun slice of life that made me smile. Arguably the best written of the stories my only major gripe was a hurried ending. Your dialogue was strong and your prose was stronger. This was a VERY close contender for winner.

next - Lazy Beggar
Another entry that could have been decent had the protagonist been motivated in any meaningful way. Sheís miserable before work - miserable at work - miserable all the time but does nothing to change that. There were also some weird decisions made with word choice and some glaring typos and spelling errors. This one just sort of plodded along and never really gave me anything to get excited about or feel sorry for. While you got a dishonorable mention there was a pretty big gap between your entry and those other two.

These Diode Starts - Entenzahn
This one was on the whole pretty good. It has the distinction of doing a better job of fleshing out Benny as a character than his POV story did. I donít really have much to say positively or negatively about it. On the whole it was a nice little bit of optimism and I enjoyed the ending.

Forever Voidmart - Enchanted Hat
This one was not good. It relied on broad stereotypes and mad swears. The action and violence came out of nowhere and there was no explanation for it. Your coworker was a caricature of the already over the top image most people have of conservative gun culture. IIRC this one barely escaped DM in the eyes of multiple judges.

Brian The Bean and The Ball Pit - Thranguy
As Voidmart Gestapo Iím so glad I was able to find the plot summary to your heist on IMDB. This was probably the biggest missed opportunity of the bunch. You had a ton of interesting plot elements but they were just things that happened and didnít really move me. The ending was too convenient.

oop north, in the devilís den - Surreptitious Muffin
This was another one that I liked quite a bit. The action was strong but the dialogue fell short. The cursing was a bit over the top and cheapened the story for me. I still liked it but it it could have been a lot better if it wasnít so rough around the edges.

Babies are Cute Because They Want You To Think That - Mercedes
Another fun one with a strong opening. Took a turn for the weird quick but in a way that wasnít god awful or offensive. I laughed pretty much the entire way through. It was a blast and well written on the whole. Upper middle of the pack. Not good enough to contend for winner but all in all really enjoyable.

Deals on Wheels - Bompacho
This was my pick for loser by a pretty wide margin. It was just a long drawn-out fat joke that didnít even manage to be funny. Congratulations, you managed to write Paulina Blart Pastry Thief. Just god awful in every sense.

The View From The Top - Curlingiron
This was another entry that just sort of existed... It wasnít awful to read, but it did have some glaring technical errors...This is me...judging you. Quit with the ellipses.

The Black Line - Megazver
Really liked this one for the inherent creeps that it gave me. On the whole the atmosphere won out over the characters, which were decently written but flat compared to the other HMs.

American Sleep - Ravenkult.
One of the entries that could have been a real show-stopper if it had managed to get to the action a little quicker. While it was slow out of the gate the CEOís friend was super creepy and it really set the tone for the story. Honestly I would have liked more of this to take place in the dressing room, it would have been a great opportunity to elaborate more on the nature of Voidmartís CEO.

Arthur - Spectres of Autism
I had to go back to this one because I didnít really remember it. It isnít bad but itís forgettable. I liked some of the exposition, and you found some interesting ways to describe things but on the whole there wasnít anything that really grabbed me.

Human Resources - Docbeard
I still donít really get this one, and Iíve read through it a couple of times making sure I havenít missed anything important. Your character is interesting but your conflict was needlessly convoluted. The action as written wasnít bad though.

Caroline - Unburied
I wish I would have known a little bit more about your character. His ĎPenanceí feels more like a MacGuffin, and Iím not sure why heís acting the way he is. The things heís doing throughout the story are just things decent people would do yet he treats it like its his punishment. Itís a bit too broken up for me to really get behind.
Projections - Pham_Nuwen
This was almost a contender for Honorable Mention with me. It was bizarre but not in a way that offended my sensibilities. There was some really cool high-concept stuff that worked well but the narrative was a little flat at points. All in all pretty good.

In Repose - Benny Profane
The exposition about plumbing fixtures was remarkable. The story was light and cheerful and Iím glad you got an HM out of it. Over the top stereotyping was kept to a minimum and you expressed the quirks of Voidmart in a wonderful and poetic way.

The THWUMP - Crabrock.
For all its weirdness I really liked reading this one. It was a fun problem solving scenario. The TWUMP tubes were interesting, and put to good use as a means of plumbing repair. The THWUMP as a living entity didnít work very well for me. On the whole really well written.

epitaph - The Saddest Rhino
A great look into the mind of a creature that has been assimilated by the corporate machine. This is, in my opinion, the strongest narrative in terms of voice. It was cold and mechanical - and took huge risks regarding the prompt. My only real complaint was that it was hard to follow. Another almost for Honorable Mention.

Shifters - Ironic Twist
I wasnít alone in thinking ĎI just donít get it.í Another one that wasnít bad or good, and if anyone is up to it Iíd nominate this one for a line crit. It was another monotone entry that didnít really have anything that made it stand out from the rest. It existed. Iíd line-crit myself but I donít feel as though I have the credentials for it yet.

Take Charge Marketing - Killer of Lawyers
This wasnít bad, and has the distinction of being the only story that followed a supernatural employee. I really enjoyed the panic of your electronics employee but I wish I had a little more insight into her as a plant and how that affects her as a person.

Discontinued Voidmart Training Document - dmboogie
This was a pretty big risk and it was handled competently. I honestly donít know where I place this one because it was so different from everything else. On the whole not bad though.

Cracked - kurona_bright
This was one of the few that fell into the Ďpatently badí category for me. It didnít really have anything going for it. The dialogue and characters were unbelievable and as a whole the story was lacking. Voice was weak and it just didnít really go anywhere for me.

The Crow Aisle - sebmojo
I didnít like this one as much as the other judges but I still liked it. It was fun and and some great moment. ďBirds are the Enemies of ProfitĒ comes to mind. It was entertaining and well written.

Zero Days Since Our Last Accident - Grizzled Patriarch
Charming but forgettable. Doesnít really have any staying power to hold up its sincerity. I didnít feel motivated to finish it and had to come back to it for a reread. It was solid but didnít stand out.

Barista Blues - Bad Seafood
Pacing, Timing, and Humor were all on point. This was my favorite from start to finish. Everything about it helped carry the plot forward and the action was tight and polished. A definite frontrunner in every aspect.

Honey - A Classy Ghost
Despite hamstringing yourself with three tough flash rules you came out of this week smelling like dick grass. You managed to keep me entertained and capture the spirit of Voidmart. With a little more polishing I think this could have come really close to honorable mention. It was fun, fit the prompt well, and made good use of the flash rules.

Good week guys. You made my first stint as ThunderJudge an easy one and a hard one at the same time.

SkaAndScreenplays fucked around with this message at Jul 7, 2015 around 10:14

HopperUK
Apr 29, 2007

Clear off, fatso, this is a respectable establishment





Lipstick Apathy

Thanks for the crit! And don't worry about not having the credentials to linecrit. People love linecrits.

Bompacho
Nov 28, 2005


Thanks SkaandScreenplay

Hey Doof. I am in. Flash me.

hubris.height
Jan 6, 2005



Pork Pro

kurona_bright posted:

That looks like Etrian Odyssey art. Is it Etrian Odyssey art? (nerd trap sprung )

It must be.

I'm in, really looking forward to avoiding writing fanfiction. I'll take a flash rule.

POOL IS CLOSED
Jul 14, 2011

I'm just exploding with mackerel. This is the aji wo kutta of my discontent.


Pillbug

In, because why not? And flash me.

Thanks for the crit, Ska, and I agree.

Benny Profane
Feb 23, 2012



Thanks for the crit, Ska.

In for this week, and requesting a flash.

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


No swearing? Characters? This is what the cleric ordered for me. In, and flash me, cause so far they've been pretty good.

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




This should be interesting.

edit: Also, since everyone is doing it and I like them so far, sling up a flash rule.

Grizzled Patriarch fucked around with this message at Jul 7, 2015 around 16:19

theblunderbuss
Jul 4, 2010

I find dead men rout
more easily.


Sweet prompt. I'm in with a flash rule, please.

Also ing myself after last week's dismal failure.

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

in, and I'll take a flash rule as well.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

High marks for compassion, low marks for survival skills





The denizens of this mystic place fall upon you without warning! You face:

99 Judges and
99 Judges and
99 Judges and
99 Judges

Will your stalwart band (F)ight or (R)un?


> (I)n
> (R)equest a flash rule
> (T)hank SkaAndScreenplays for his critiques.

Jonked
Feb 15, 2005

by exmarx


I'm in and would like a flash rule.

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


bye

anime was right fucked around with this message at Oct 27, 2015 around 05:56

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N. Senada
May 17, 2011


In with a flash please.

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