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  • Locked thread
crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

Did you FAIL THUNDERDOME crabrock? Don't worry, here's an example on how to write!

Grimey Drawer

sebmojo posted:

You avoided a DM by a level of inexplicable mercy too gargantuan to be measured by currently available technology, fyi

Aka me

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TheAnomaly
Feb 20, 2003


In, with snorlax

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011



in with haunter who is levitating above my words somehow

PoshAlligator
Jan 9, 2012

When SEO just isn't enough.


I can't not come back for this week. I'm in.

I want to try and minimise my ability to pick a douchey thing to write about, so I would appreciate it if you could pick me a Pokemon. I would also appreciate a flashrule.

The last time I entered I lost and have kept the avatar - as it was always my plan to return and redeem myself by hopefully not losing (I will also keep it if you give me a DM).

flerp
Feb 25, 2014



PoshAlligator posted:

I can't not come back for this week. I'm in.

I want to try and minimise my ability to pick a douchey thing to write about, so I would appreciate it if you could pick me a Pokemon. I would also appreciate a flashrule.

The last time I entered I lost and have kept the avatar - as it was always my plan to return and redeem myself by hopefully not losing (I will also keep it if you give me a DM).

http://pokemondb.net/pokedex/probopass



flash rule: your story must include rad facial hair

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


Anyone who thinks this prompt is bullshit should consider the fact that Jim Butcher's best selling Codex Alera series was based on a writing prompt to combine Pokemon and the Roman Legion.

http://www.fantasyliterature.com/au...ws/jim-butcher/

Jim Butcher posted:

The bet was actually centered around writing craft discussions being held on the then-new Del Rey Online Writersí Workshop, I believe. The issue at hand was central story concepts. One side of the argument claimed that a good enough central premise would make a great book, even if you were a lousy writer. The other side contended that the central concept was far less important than the execution of the story, and that the most overused central concept in the world could have life breathed into by a skilled writer.

It raged back and forth in an ALL CAPITAL LETTERS FLAMEWAR between a bunch of unpublished writers, and finally some guy dared me to put my money where my mouth was, by letting him give me a cheesy central story concept, which I would then use in an original novel.

Me being an arrogant kid, I wrote him back saying, ďWhy donít you give me TWO terrible ideas for a story, and Iíll use them BOTH.Ē

The core ideas he gave me were Lost Roman Legion and PokťmonÖ Thus was Alera formed.

See also this video of Butcher speaking at Comic-Con 2008, starting at 1:59
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylKRYe0ZWHo

(also Jim Butcher sounds like a giant nerd who would fit right into Fiction Advice)

Dr. Kloctopussy fucked around with this message at Aug 12, 2015 around 22:56

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


oh snap, I've been ordered by chat to get off my fat lazy rear end and get back to writing

IN with Ninetales.

Jonked
Feb 15, 2005

by exmarx


In with Cacturne

Meinberg
Oct 9, 2011

ICE-MEIN


IN with Sableye

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Magikarp! I choose you!

flerp
Feb 25, 2014




i was going to give this to people with a flash rule so instead you get the flash rule

flash rule: sableye had one of the unique distinctions of being one of the two pokemon to have no weakneses (besides spiritomb which has the same typing as sableye). However, with the release of fairy types, these pokemon now have a weakness. As such, your story must include a character who seemingly has no weakness, but in time, it is revealed that he has a weakness, or possibly even created.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Behold the Belated Broenheim vs. Bompacho Brutal Brawl...Results I guess I mean hmm yeah, sure.

So I asked you guys for a couple of stories about a murder taking place on a train. Both of you delivered. Good job. Nice to have people who know how to read a prompt. Too bad I didn't have the foresight to include "Both of your stories must be good." Then we might be somewhere. Oh well.

Throwing all suspense out the window, the winner by a clear margin was Broenheim by virtue of not writing a story that made me hate everything about it. Congratulations Bro. Don't let it go to your head though cause your story was kinda crappy too.

Bompacho, you failed because you turned in a story about a bland and forgettable couple passively experiencing a bunch of horrible thing happening to other people, then to themselves, then there's a plot twist and it turns out the guy was in on it the whole time, boy howdy. This turn of events sure gives me some fresh insight into all that nothing he was busy doing. Y ou also warbled on tone, going from sweet to silly to my but that is a lovingly detailed description of a man's bones getting shattered by a theme park ride. It was also pretty contrived how all three deaths happened within range of this one guy. Also also, splitting hairs I guess, but the train murder ended up being more incidental than central. Also also also, the dark and terrible secrets behind Disney is well-tread ground and you didn't do much with it.

Broenheim, you won because as bad as your story was it wasn't this bad. You had a decent opening in which the implicitly empty, no-future drudgery of the protagonist's day-to-day life was contrasted nicely by his quiet appreciation for animals and nature. Then this squirrel shows up, acting very little like an actual squirrel, and the universe conspires to throw together the most contrived heartstring-pull imaginable. Of course it follows him on the day of the big deal. Of course the guy he's dealing with is comically evil and grabs it in mid-air and chokes it just cause he's a jackass. Great reflexes, by the way. Grip strength too. Do you know how hard it is to catch a squirrel, much less hold onto one for any length of time? That dude had some serious claw power. Kinda weird though that nobody in the admittedly sparsely populated car noticed any of this. I get that the world of the story has this kinda jaded tint to the atmosphere but I think people would notice if a guy grabbed a squirrel out of nowhere, squeezed it to a pulp, then smashed it against the side of the car, if only for the sheer spectacle. Then your protagonist has this flat-feeling emotional turn and it's just kinda blah.

...Anyway, that's all. Go about your business.










Bad Seafood fucked around with this message at Aug 13, 2015 around 19:33

Barnaby Profane
Feb 23, 2012



In with Kangaskhan:

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

156 judgement
I asked for stories about love. I got a bunch of suicide and death. Goddamn it.

1. epoch. - Trench Walkiní
This isnít a story. This is a summary of a story. It is also a lovely summary of a presumably lovely story because it takes way too long to read and I donít give a gently caress about any of your characters. Youíre writing flash fiction here. You donít have to time to go womb to tomb with characters. Iíd much rather get a glimpse at something interesting than a boring overview of a characterís entire goddamn life.

Before anything else, epoch, you need to focus on not wasting so many words. You seem to love to throw out concepts and metaphors and flowery descriptions (which is fine) but you just leave them there. Hanging. You do nothing with them. In your first paragraph I can spot two right off the bat: ďlike she was pretending to be an airplaneĒ and ďĒLike Danny. The tree could break under pressure.Ē This is going to come across as extremely nitpicky but, gently caress, isnít that the point of getting a crit? The airplane line gives your reader an immediate impression of the wrong thing. Why like an airplane? Why not like a tightrope walker or something that has to do with keeping balance? While giving me a good enough visualization of the action, throwing out ďairplaneĒ makes me expect to see some sort of flying motif but, no, nothing, nothing there. Just wasted words. Same with the pressure/skinny tree thing. I think your writing there is actually really neat so its a shame nothing ever happens. Danny doesnít break and he doesnít seem to be in any real danger. At least not until the end which comes out of nowhere in a terrible way.

Everything needs to have a point. Every word you write needs to build on something else-- a concept, a motivation, a motif, loving whatever. Now feel free to write like a madman and let inspiration take you on a journey but when you sit down to do some editing you need to go through your story, possibly line by line, asking ďIs this line necessary? What is this line doing that is critical to my story?Ē And then cut cut cut cut cut. And then maybe write some more to fill in the gaps and then cut some more ad nauseum until youíre left with something tight.

No more outlines.

2. spectres of autism - Amber
In theatre, a playwright gives you a taste of something different. Something out of the ordinary (at least for the characters on stage). Said characters have had wonderful little lives doing who the gently caress cares until the moment the audience keys in because thatís interesting and worth watching. No one wants to watch someone quietly brew a cup of tea for fifteen minutes and then read the newspaper silently and then go out to the post office because they need to get some more stamps. I guess what Iím trying to say is donít start off your story with ďEverything is exactly the same.Ē Much like seeing a show, Iím hoping when I begin a new story that something is happening or is about to happen or literally just happened. You spend a couple hundred words blathering on about the sameness of everything and why should I keep reading? Just cut right to the chase!

Donít over explain. The whole ďIíve used a telepathic chat program to cross digitized blah blah blah space time dildoĒ-ery is a mess. Its hard to read and Iím not interested in any of it. You have a cool idea. Donít over explain it. Keep your audience hungry.

Your ending makes no sense.

What character here got hosed up on love?

3. Thranguy - Believing the Strangest Thing
Iím sorry, Thranguy. I didnít think this story deserved a DM but I got outvoted. There are certainly some issues here but I didnít think what you wrote was particularly horrible. Oh well. Letís look at what didnít work for me.

Your choice of perspective was puzzling to me. I donít know why you chose to write this from the point of view of the passive brother who didnít really contribute to anything (plot, conflict, motivation, character development). He just sat there and narrated and you might as well have gone full third person. I mean, maybe it was a stylistic choice or maybe it was something that started off as a neat idea to you and you didnít develop it. I dunno. It didnít work for me. Going from Dad, Ian, Grandpa, or even Hollyís perspective would have been more exciting imo.

You have some good dialogue and some bad dialogue. Grandpa and alcohol? Great. Was funny and quick and gave excellent characterization. Ian monologuing about love and parts? Preachy and wordy and unrealistic. You, the author, are hammering in your point too hard and it detracts from the flow.

Having the ex-boyfriend show up with zero foreshadowing as to his existence doesnít work. This is where a different perspective would have been helpful. If we were going from Holly or Ian then on the way to dinner there could be some preview of the past relationship: ďoh Iím so happy to meet your folks my ex would never even let me leave the ship he was craaazyĒ or whatever. I dunno. You do you. But you canít just throw poo poo midway into a short story with zero foreshadowing. Itís sloppy.

Woah. Ending paragraph is terrible. What are you trying to do there?

4. C7ty1 - Long Treehouse Title
You didnít capture the ďkidĒ voice for me. This was very ďIím an adult trying to sound like a little kidĒ and lacked authenticity and it drove me a little nuts. When you write stuff like this you have to decide where you are telling the story of a little kid who is still a little kid at the point of narration or of a little kid who is remembering it as an adult. This is a very important distinction that changes a fuckton about how you, the author, can approach the story. I think you were constantly changing your mind as you wrote this. Moving on.

Your dialogue did you no favors. I think a lot of this comes from the whole ďaiming for little kid voice and missingĒ but there was also a lot of ďthis just isnít how people talk in real life.Ē

There was a lot of indecision in your writing. You couldnít decide how serious the tone should be. You couldnít decide on how far to take the fake soldier stuff. You couldnít decide on what was important to keep and what needed to be cut. You could edit this into something good. I like the idea behind it and you definitely hit the prompt.

5. WLOTM! - Mister Feelings
I think going with highschoolers was a smart call given the prompt. Iíve told my students before that Iím envious of the ability to feel things because they do it so openly. So fully. And then the sci-fi emotion drug bits? Brilliant stuff. Just a really great idea and a wonderful exploration of a unique world. One of my favorite things you written (that I can remember).

Good opener. Catchy flow. Even going back to do this more in depth crit I find myself zipping through this. Motivation was solid and easy to follow. Character was active in the pursuit of his goals. And the dose of apathy at the end is jarring in a good way. Well executed. Exceeeeeeeeeeeppppppttttttttttt I donít really understand why Chuck got beat down. What was the one voice calling through the void? Argh! I donít know! A sadly weak ending on otherwise tight piece.

6. Ironic Twist - Summer in December
I wasnít going to HM this but the other judges liked it quite a lot and convinced me to do so. Iím glad they did. There is something quite charming with your writing here. You capture an excellent balance between summary and story. We see a long term relationship and you keep it just tight enough to make it interesting and to make it worth reading. Your little summary bits, which is something I hated in so many other stories, added to your piece. They contributed something to the plot or to characterization. That was very nice and Iím very appreciative of that. Oh, nice sharp opening line. This was a complete opposite of what spectres of autism did. I would, however, have liked being clued in to the conflict a little earlier. Nice ending. Nice imagery. Very beautiful language.

7. Jonked - Space Barf Opera
You gave me a lot of puke and no plot. I actually thought your vomity drunk scientist man was an interesting idea but heís flat. Heís two dimensional. Over the course of 1300 words nothing about him changes. He doesnít grow as a person. He doesnít come to terms with the defeat of his mission or strengthen his resolve to fight NASA orders or do any number of interesting things that lends itself to if not growth then at least interesting characterization. No, he just wakes up hungover and, after being threatened, takes a shower. Whoopee.

Your other two characters were equally two-dimensional and equally stuck in arrested development. Somebody needs to change, man. Somebody. Anybody. Something needs to be different by the time your reader reaches the your story.

Iím not a big fan of all caps yelling. It never works for me and takes me right out of the moment. Also, it was awkward when Carl threw up and then giggled. Do people do that in real life?

8. Fuchsia tude - vague somethings with sculpting maybe
Man this is so close to being good. You hit on a really lovely bit of language all the way through this. I donít know a better way of putting it. This is just super easy to read. ItsÖ elegant? In a way? Very clean.Unfortunately, you leave out too much. The sculpture, the relationship, the bit with the lawyer at the end. I donít know whatís going on and it kills you. It kills what youíve written. It makes it uninteresting because it's impossible to tell why it should be interesting. I feel like Iím reading, like, a quarter of a story. And not the beginning or the middle or the end but just a bunch of random pages that were torn out and taped together. Gimme some more meat.

Also, at one point you call Liana ďTara.Ē

9. tentacleDate - Kuya and the Filipino Death Squads
I like stories about brothers. I like stories about brothers who like each other and dislike stories where brothers arenít friends. I guess its because me and my brother get along in spades so it throws me when I witness a relationship that's rocky. Iím like ďWhy? Theyíre brothers. They should be friends.Ē Unrealistic? Yes. Also, I donít give a poo poo.

So. Congrats. You unwittingly hit on a subject I like to read about it. Straight up, though, I wouldnít have HMíd this. But, lucky for you, my co judge lurved it so here we are. Iím sure heíll suck your dick on what you did real nice so Iím gonna focus on what was bad.

ďThatís all I can hear my brother scream clearly through the sound of the rifles firing.Ē Way wordy. Iím two sentences in and youíre already hurting my brain.

Ugh. You donít need to repeat yourself so many times on just how, like, aware your main character is of the bullets killing everyone he knows. Especially in instances where he wasnít directly witnessing it occur. Trust your reader to remember it from the first time.

The dog came out of nowhere. And not in a good way. The action sequence was well-written and easy to follow but giving your reader a little foreshadowing that dogs are around and are a threat wouldíve been nice.

10. crabrock - Letís Kill a Baby at the End
I legitimately loved your opener. It was evocative and intriguing and made me want to read more because I didnít know where you were going with it. I was exceedingly disappointed with where you went with it. Straight up, I was going to DM this. You give me a visceral description of a car crash but not much else. Zero plot. Nothing happened. And then you killed a baby at the end. Who was getting hosed up on love here? Wounded Mom was certainly acting hosed up but if you were going for some ďThis world is ugly and youíre better off not living in itĒ you didnít hit it. I donít really have much more to say-- your opener was tight, your descriptions were good, you didnít have a plot, you killed a baby. Okey dokey.

11. Kaishai - welp. this happened.
I know what you were going for here. I know you were trying to give me a story about a dad who made excuses for his son but through his actions inadvertently let the son go down a bad path. I understand that (which is something that several people in irc have insinuated that I didnít). Hereís the thing. You didnít give me that story. You didnít give me a story at all. I was stunned when I saw you were the author because I have a great deal of respect for you as a writer and consider you far better at the craft than myself. So I was kind of stuck in a quandary where I kept asking myself ďWell do I give Kaishai a DM? I mean, who am I to do so? Sheís such a good writer.Ē Well. For better or for worse I stuck with what we three decided upon when everything was anonymous and so here we are. Letís go over why I hated this.

As Iíve already said, you didnít give me the story you intended. I get three little boring snapshots of this relationship which tell me nothing. Stage 1: Dad stops a six year old from yelling at his toddler. Okay. Pretty reasonable. Heís overly angry but the response still falls into the realm of ďYou are yelling at my toddler.Ē Stage 2: Son gets a bad grade and complains the teacher is too tough to which Dad replies ďOkay Iíll talk with her but lets first look at your homework.Ē Also, pretty reasonable. Much more reasonable than a lot of the parents I deal with when a kid gets a bad grade in my class. Stage 3: Kid gets caught selling pills and Dad refuses to post bail or pay for a lawyer so that he, the dad, can ďtake a standĒ or something. What? Why? These three scenes donít work together. They donít form a complete story. Thereís just these extreme jumps in time and one extreme jump in ďfeeling responsibleĒ and it just doesnít make sense and it isnít fun to read and itísÖ Itís bad. And your descriptions feel so amateur here. ďThe bright orange of Gabe's prison uniform swims in his vision, but this is not a hallucination, no matter how much he wants it to be.Ē You had five hundred extra words. Why did you so often resort to telling instead of showing? I donít know. I donít know what you were doing here. This story just feels so slapped together and sloppy and screams ďI donít really give a poo poo Iím just throwing down some words.Ē And I feel like you missed the prompt.

So here we are.

12. Broenheim - oh my god another suicide story whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
ďHey do you love me?Ē ďYes.Ē ďWill you leave me?Ē ďNo.Ē ďEven though Iím dying?Ē ďNo donít die.Ē ďIím dead.Ē ďNooooo.Ē

13. Grizzled Patriarch - Seawall
I feel like you didnít know what you wanted to write about this week so you just threw something together and then killed the girl off at the end for dramatic effect and ugh god why did everyone do that this week Iím so sick of reading these stories.

Couple things. I liked your intro. It was interesting. Then you pretty much completely dropped it. Why?

ďThe responding officer is left with the unenviable task of handcuffing a one-armed man.Ē Beautiful. You lots of little bits in your story this week that I liked and that made me grin. You can be a very charming writer.

I think your main problem here is that you tried to show me the entirety of a relationship over 1300 words instead of just giving me a really great moment. If you had picked any one of your sections and used the full 1300 on THAT instead. Well. Maybe youíd have come home with a win or an HM.

14. Schneider heim - I wonder if sheíll see this and know Iím talking about her...
I disliked everything about your idea here. Thatís rare for me. This read like a teenagerís angsty, angry livejournal post shortly after getting dumped. ďOh, by the way, in the future you can get married to someone else but Iím going to be SUPER RICH AND POWERFUL YOU SHOULDNíT HAVE LEFT ME GODNOWHYPLEASECOMEBACKĒ *listening to dashboard confessional*. The trans revelation was bizarre and didnít add anything and was, honestly, a little offensive. Your dialogue was awkward and unrealistic. You didnít show me a character getting hosed up on love. This was just bad. My personal vote for the loss.

15. newtestleper - No Suicide Here, Thanks. Just Hacker Girl Stuff.
Iím not sure you hit the prompt. Like. At all. But this was bizarrely beautiful to me and sometimes thatís enough. I wanted to HM you but got outvoted on the ďwhere is the getting hosed up on loveĒ bit. Oh well.

Really nice really poetic descriptions of some pretty mundane poo poo here. That takes talent. You gave me a good sense of character. Good feeling of what was going on between them. I donít know what else to say. I hope you didnít just throw this together because I liked it a lot.

16. Sitting Here - Hi Iím Sitting Here I Do Dreams and Stuff
I figured this one was you. Not really your best work but a very intriguing idea. Very interesting take. I do feel like you swung a little hard on your names though. Like you went for some symbolism but it just comes across as disingenuous and hokey. Oooh depressed guy! Letís call him ďNobody!Ē Youíre better than that.

You had something here and you let it slip through your fingers. I canít quite put my finger on what ďitĒ is but it isnít here. Something needs to be fleshed out more for this to be really good. Oh well. I liked your idea and I thought this was well written and that goes a ways with me. Plus you hit the prompt.

17. kurona_bright - Shattered Bright
Click preview post before you submit, man, goddamn. Lot of poo poo you should have cleaned up before subjecting me to read this. I struggled to read this (and not just from the grammatical and formatting issues). I feel like you keep over complicating things. Focus on writing something short and clean and crisp.

18. Flesnolk - Three Hours for One
This was sweet. It flowed well, it kept my attention, the character was easy to identify with, it was just nice. It was lacking in a plot and you didnít have much of a build or a conflict but, you know, nice job other than that.

19. sebmojo - f=ma
In the first week of my first year of undergrad I hadnít realized yet that I didnít have to be friends with someone just because we met at orientation. So I ended up hanging out with this kid and he blathered on about he was a writer and how I should totally check out his livejournal because he posted some really good stories there. They werenít very good. I donít know if you could even call them stories. It was just a bunch of wish fulfillment bullshit where this kid talked about how his future relationship with ________ was totally awesome and how they totally got along in spades and how he was the best and how she loved being with him.

Thatís what your entry read like to me. Itís some dumbass who both characters recognize as being a dumbass ďgetting the girlĒ becauseÖ heís the main character, I guess?

Also, none of your jokes hit for me. I didnít find this funny. I think if I had then maybe everything else would have been forgivable but I didnít. And with me not laughing the dialogue got real painful real fast. The goat bit in particular left me cringing with his livejournal-ness.

At least you hit the prompt. Well, better than a lot of people. But thatís not saying much.

20. Djeser - Late Story
This story was late. You should submit earlier. That would be good. This is my crit.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

Did you FAIL THUNDERDOME crabrock? Don't worry, here's an example on how to write!

Grimey Drawer

here are some things i wrote about robo week. I read the week backwards so i was pretty loving tired of some of the poo poo by the time i read the first stories.

for some of these stories i was pretty drunk so if you would like a more detailed crit let me know.



Roboburps

1. Schnieder helms
Didn't hate. Some passive voice. All in all though not terribly exciting, and not punchy enough to justify its slow pace. Characterization is weak and makes the whole story feel stale. Mid.

2. Fuschiatude
This story is filled with dumb cliches and dubious motivations. Throw in a dash of technobabble and a contrived ending, and your poo poo print is complete. Low High.

3. Swarm
Was digging this for a while, but the ending is too smug. Typos are distracting. Needed a reason for Andy to like the old man. Mid High.

4. GP
Not a fan of the sentence fragments all over. This robot seems kind of dumb. Not enough background for me to care about the relationship between Emily and the robot. Mid low.

5. Doof
Loved this up till the end. And by loved, I mean I got a full boner. The ending ruined the absurdity of it all in favor of a contrived ending. I'm going to forget it happened like the last season of northern exposure. High Mid. HM, possible win

6. DrK
I like this. Murder your way out of the friend zone. The robo parts were a little confusing and donít really get the significance of trapping him in the faraday cage. High low. Possible HM

7. Kurona_bright
Clunky, rough, and saw that ďtwistĒ a mile away. Too much backstory. Yawn. Low High

8. Auraboks
Too telly. Also itís essentially a joke piece that takes itself too seriously at times. Mid Low.

9. curlingiron
There seems to be some messed up part toward the end that makes it quite confusing indeed. this is ok, but gets a little too caught up in the action scene at the end. It feels slightly vonnegutish. I couldnít tell the relative size of the robot. sometimes he seemed big and sometimes normal size. Mid.

10. SadisTech
more like whatistech. I donít understand this weird poo poo. itís too vague and withholding. Low, possible loss/dm

11. newtestleper
Some parts of this are fun and good, but others drag on and some costly typos/errors make it harder to understand. The ending is confusing and sudden. Mid High

12. dmboogie
more idea than story, though the framework is there. still, having your main character just kinda die is a weird ending to this. not terribly exciting. mid

13. Mercedes
Not bad, certainly better than many of your other stories. Still, you spend way too much time describing the violence on the phone video, when it really serves no purpose. half the stories this week are about a bloody murder by robot, and itís been done ten times or more. You could have described it in a few sentences and moved on to actual plot instead of getting stuck in a vignette. Mid High

14. Obliterati
blatant kaishai pandering. i like this. so much is done with your words, and i like the characters and the robot. good poo poo, high, possible win

15. twist
any song or poem in a story makes me grow a big rubbery one. i skipped all that poo poo in lotr, and i skipped it here. maybe some people like that stuff, but some people also like cauliflower, so basically people are idiots. does D-specs mean dick robots? are their weapons their own dicks? ď release in one fluid motion.Ē lol. i donít really understand this story, but also iím drunk. mid low.

16. docbeard
ok, main char doesnít do a lot in this. just kinda gets shot up or whatever. i had a bit of a weird disconnect of like ďwhen the gently caress is this happening?Ē cause it seems all old fashioned and what not. still in the end not very exciting cause itís just a lady laying around talking to some hunk (of metal). mid low

17. wlotm!!!!!
Starts off with a forced pun, ends with the murder of space Pope. Some pretty standard stuff happens in the middle. A little world building, a little exposition, and a plot that has been done to death. I did love the favorite color line, but everything else is drab in comparison. Mid low

18. Fumblemouse
You only *ding* when you level up, not every time you get xp, gosh. The jump to murder happens a little too quickly. The dm char is boring. Robot is cool and I'm envious of his ability to get good feelings from doing stuff irl. High low. Possible HM

19. Broenhiem
I don't have time to read jokes.

20. Tharanguy
"TD, that's keeping humans as slaves." HA HA I GET IT. At least broenhiem had the decency to broadcast his joke in the opening. Don't really get the point of this story, and (most of) the humor didn't land with me. Mid low.

21. Spectres of autism
A bunch of this is a mess. You have a story buried under here somewhere, but it's a bit convoluted. Your main problem is motivations are weakly derived and stuff just happens with little explained reason. Low high.

22. Devorum
"Virtu-Novel: ďBaitĒ by Sadi Stech, a newly discovered cult hit." WHAT THE gently caress IS THIS poo poo? Anyway, this story is run of the mill in itís current form. all is not lost tho, because some of your writing is pretty good, even though itís servicing a boring plot. you probably should have focused more on the relationship between nigel and the computer chick, because that was the real story, the other poo poo is just routine. mid

23. tentacleDate
HURP HURP, TRUMP HATES MEXICANS. WHAT A GREAT IDEA FOR A STORY. this whole story reads like itíd be posted on a message board somewhere in the future after a small hispanic kid smashed a roomba for sucking up his favorite lego. Iím just kind of bored because thereís no plot, just a guy telling me poo poo. stopped reading after the ďsomebodyís gonna get his meat face shotĒ or whatever. low possible loss/dm

24. entenzahn
i like this story. it isnít the same old bullshit that iíve gotten like 20 times already this week. GOOD SHOW OLD CHAP. still, you have some errors and poo poo that could be better. so hate yourself just a little. high, possible win/hm

25. lou bega
this starts off strong, but takes a turn for the worse at the end of the world. also having the number of games be exactly 10000 is so horribly contrived that it takes away from a lot of the good you do. I like your desciriptions but you lay it on a little too thick that theyíre OLD and eat APPLESAUCE, GET IT?! I know robot takeover was part of the prompt, but lose that whole aspect and this is a much better story imo. mid high

26. blunderbuss
I was bout this story til the last quarter, where it started to get a little stale. Like, once a reader has figured out the natural conclusion from the trail youíve laid out, you shouldnít belabor the point by having your characters explain it to each other in the most boring way possible. Trust us to take that leap with you. Sure it wonít always work, but youíll get better at walking that fine line the more you write. right now itís too obvious, too insulting. mid

27. mons hubris
interesting idea, written so that i was enjoying it, but the ending fell flat. still, at least it was a variation on the ďrobots take overĒ theme that didnít involve terminator fanficÖ high low

28. Lazy beggar
i like what you tried to do more than how you did it. the idea of some sort of bounty hunter sent to break up human/robot couples is an ok idea, but you did a lovely job here. also there was no robot apocolypse. also whatís with the use of ďmother?Ē is this futarma fanfic? either way, this pieces is too telly and ultimately pointless. low high

29. screaming idiot
over by 30 words on MS word, google docs, and a random word counter site on the internet. where did you get your lower word count? you have a real problem with using vague descriptions before actually introducing the subject. this is very annoying. overall this story is cute, but you need to learn some basic mechanisms of storytelling. the ability of drobo to knock out a fucker and be influential comes out of nowhere. you need to foreshadow that poo poo to make it effective. would be mid-high but because you used too many words (shoulda cut out the speech in the middle, it was boring) you get a nice fat DQ

crabrock fucked around with this message at Aug 14, 2015 around 03:41

Bompacho
Nov 28, 2005


In with this thing. Mostly because I misread its name as Shitfry no Shiftry.

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER



Thanks for crits Tyrannosaurus and crabrock and Sitting Here!

Instead of entering this week I'm writing crits of last's.


A Resistance Doesn't Start Itself

So this speech starts interesting but bogs down. Bot is too talky.

Eh. I feel like the story took way too long to get started. If you were looking for places to cut (apperently you weren't) easily 80% of that first scene could go, without losing any of the meat.

Politician takes over, declares war on the cultural 'other' is a bit overdone, so is the robot overthrow of humans but you're not too egregious in your execution.

I don't really understand what's going on with the bots at the end, who they're working for, why they'd make that deal, or especially why they suddenly want to follow the child after his bot beats theirs...


Myopic Misery

I don't think 'jittered' and 'jilted' work like that. Or 'calmed'. Or 'stuttered'.

There's a whole lot of awkward phrases and words that don't quite fit where you've used them. It makes it difficult to follow what's happening in the action. Because of tripping over so many minor things I was confused about what's going on, and why, and what the ending means. I had to reread it to get that.

In the end I don't really know anything about any of these characters, Mother and the narrator included. The cyborg tries to kill the woman because Mother says so, because she lives with a robot; the couple only reacts. They're just ciphers.


Global Business Network

It's a cute worker-automation story. I don't have anything to complain about on the technical side; it all moves at a good pace. My only issue is the end seems somehow both abrupt and too long; that end paragraph takes too long to end on a joke/callback. "This is a test of your eligibility for employment generally," is your explanation and "Ipsomovo... now proudly reaching 91 percent of businesses worldwide." is your punchline. Maybe it could work better if it was stretched out into a longer story, I don't know.


The Logical Extreme

I just ended that story confused. It opens and closes with ridiculous cliche. But I don't understand the stakes or anything about what's going on except in the broadest strokes. Why is the boss' robot going to kill her? What are companions?


War and Piece

Oh yeah, I read this one when it was posted. I really liked it and I probably can't describe why. I don't really have much to complain about. I'm a bit hazy about what exactly happens at the very end, though.


Jubilance

"of which there were many in the stadium"? Really?

It's a nice story. A goofy premise, but the execution is fine, and the ending is good. Sorry I don't have much to say; nothing really stood out as egregious, mechanics-wise. I do wonder how anyone managed to watch and participate for a week without being able to use a bathroom or sleep...

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

I have a crit

you are all

dreadful

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

actually, gently caress it. brawl time. who wants to come at me.

no-one who's won a brawl before.

fight.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


sebmojo posted:

actually, gently caress it. brawl time. who wants to come at me.

no-one who's won a brawl before.

fight.
lol

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk


well i'd hate to validate anyones daddy complex iykwim

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Fight me



but only if you are bad at it

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

Did you FAIL THUNDERDOME Entenzahn? Don't worry, here's an example on how to write!

OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT SANCTIONED WEEK 156 CRITIQUES Ė LET'S GET hosed UP

~*I judged these in judgemode*~ but I added in your names anyway because itís like ten seconds work.

epoch. Ė Trench Walkin'
You said in IRC how you specifically focused on the plot for this but what is the plot? Sister looks after her brother? Thatís like saying the plot of Lord of the Rings is Samwiseís unhealthy obsession with Frodo. The only thing close to a real plot here is the part where Danny tries to cross the log, and thatís not very interesting as a story. Everything else is just a jumbled back-and-forth through their timelines.

I will admit that I kinda liked the characters. For a portrait I thought this was okay. You tried to play around with your chronology a bit, to have it kinda melt together at the final sentence and underline the timeless quality of this sibling relationship. But that experiment leaves me with mixed feelings. I applaud your effort and I can see where you were going, but you made a mess of your story because you tried to be fancy. The first time jump was particularly jarring because you didnít indicate it, but then you couldnít, because you wanted for everything to blend together. Itís very confusing. I donít think it was worth it.

This isnít offensively bad, but you wrote a mediocre story that tripped over its weak plot. For what itís worth, there are weeks where this kind of story flies under the radar. This wasnít such a week.

spectres of autism Ė Amber
I had to skip part of this story, and just like when an entry starts with a chat log that never seems to end, thatís basically all you need to know.

So let me preface this by saying that I like your chops. Now that Iíve got that out of the way, this was atrocious. I canít be arsed to read four pages of chat-log worldbuilding about some vaguely defined alternate dimension inside an H. R. Giger painting. Quite frankly, I donít think itís necessary to get an accurate impression of the story. The fact that you wrote 1100 words of exposition aside, itís just a poor use of assets. Itís a story about a shut-in rediscovering her love for the outside, and thatís fair, and itís cool that you try to avoid beaten paths, but you kinda overdid it here. She could have just as well chatted with someone in North Korea. It would have spared us a lot of explanations, and I wouldnít be left wondering why you invented a magical dystopia when you didnít actually use it for anything.

That said, it would still literally be a story about a person sitting in front of the computer. Instead, why not set a story inside the world you came up with? Or why not make that world have effects on our world? You could have done literally anything other than having two people chat on the internet and one pitching his webcomic setting.

The whole thing where she buys into this outlandish story and then is shaken to such an extent that her life does a 180 is also bit of a stretch, but thatís the least of your problems.

Thranguy Ė Believing the Strangest Things
Iím probably the one who got you DMed. Hi. Whatís up.

Submitting 1100 words of expository dinner scene is never a good idea, and itís even worse when Iíve just been forced to read through 1100 words of expository chat logs. This was my other loss candidate, because itís preachy, boring (the cardinal sin), and the comedy is a dry garden of low-hanging fruits. Just a bunch of cheesy racial jokes, and hurdur how does sex work, and other cliches the Simpsons subverted twenty years ago. And just like the Simpsons today, it doesnít know when to stop.

Iíll admit that you dressed up your excessive world building a tiny bit nicer than the bozo above you but whatever favor you may have gained by that is destroyed by your rushed non-sequitur ending. Itís like halfway through you realized that this wasnít going to be good anyway so you just wanted to finish it and move on. I can relate to that feeling.

C7ty1 Ė If Your Treehouse Falls and No One Is Around to Hear It, Does It Make a Sound?
This has all the authenticity of a cheap electric grill pizza. Sure the ingredients are there, and you know where theyíre supposed to go, but whereís the love? Whereís the color? The children talk like adult sock puppets, the soldier parable gets crammed down my throat at every given opportunity, I never get the impression that Iím watching a genuine story through the eyes of a kid. Iím reading an artificial construct, engineered by the standards of what you have learned makes a good story.

Obviously thereís worse sins than writing something straight and see-through, but did you really feel anything while writing this? Because it reads like you had zero passion or interest. The story only does whatís necessary, and then it clocks in and goes home to watch television. What do you think is the most interesting trait of your protagonist? Why donít you show us more of that? Why did you write this story? Why donít you show us more of that either?

Write another story, but try to be a little more invested.

WeLandedOnTheMoon! Ė Mister Feelings: A Teenage Parable
The Mister Feelings gadget is a very cool idea, and unlike other people who had good ideas this week, you actually used it for your story. Also, wow, there is a character who wants something and the story is about him trying to get it. Thatís two in a row! poo poo!!

But wait thereís more! We have a cast of a whooping four characters. Casey and Chuck are a bit two-dimensional but hey, whatever, they do their part and theyíre believable. Duncan and Ji are more well-rounded, even though we donít see much of the latter, and their friendship is actually super-cute and elementary to the story. A cast of four people is hard to fit into flash fic, but in your case it was a good choice. Itís just the amount of people you needed.

My favorite line was when it went ďHereís Mister Apathy.Ē Itís very representative of your story as a whole, a piece thatís well-presented and easy to get, and leaves enough room for me to fill out some details on my own, but not so much that it becomes unclear. It skirts that line between saying too much and saying too little quite nicely. For the most part.

The ending is simultaneously the high and low point. I empathize with Duncanís decision to stick by Ji, but then the apathy scene happens and youíre getting super vague with the imagined voices and the assault/(attempted?) manslaughter. Iím not sure, why would he even kill Chuck if heís apathetic? MAKES NO SENSE

I didnít have this for the win, because of the limp ending and a partly two-dimensional cast, but Iím cool with the result because everything else was neat.

Ironic Twist Ė Summer in December
Conceptually this is walking on thin ice because itís more flashbacks than actual plot progression, but your hook is pretty amazing and as always your strong prose carries the slower parts. A lot of it comes down to that first sentence too, which puts a smile on my face and leads into a first scene that leaves me worried, and intrigued enough to want to find out what the problem is and what theyíre going to do about it.

And thatís the difference to other stories that got DMed for similar parlor tricks. I donít know what lies at the core of their relationship problems right away. But I know there are relationship problems, I see their consequences, and I know that this is what the story will be about. Even in the flashbacks you donít waste a lot of time before you loop back around into the conflict.

It ends on an incredibly cute, heartwarming gesture that probably wonít resolve their marital troubles for good, but at least leaves you with some momentary closure and a positive outlook. Wait, a Happy Ending? In Thunderdome?!?! WHOA

This was one of my win candidates.

Jonked Ė Mons Huygens Winery, 2022 Vintage
The beginning zips around like itís trying to make me lose its scent. So then Iím halfway in before I understand whatís really going on because the important poo poo (moon station gets closed and the director is depressed) doesnít come up until then, instead we get a bunch of vignettes and confusing dialogue bits about bio-techs and ~*dark secrets*~ without the context necessary for them to have any meaning.

The rest of this story is a dialogue scene with all the subtlety and grace of a drunken ogre with a sledgehammer. One-dimensional hysterical characters? Check. ALLCAPS YELLING?!?!?! Check. Melodrama? BINGO! I was only waiting for one of the other depressed astronauts to crash through the door and profess his love to the wine bottle, who also happens to be Countessa van Sterling, Carlís estranged alien aunt by the eighth degree.

But itís not about the space station, you see, really itís about their marriage!!! Deep stuff.

Itís all talk and no show, and the talk is bad, so itís all bad.

Fuschia tude Ė No One Ever Dies
What the gently caress is going on, who is Tara, why are we avoiding Liana, what is Jan working on, and also what the gently caress is going on.

These were the thoughts I had while reading your story. Though I will admit that ďwhat the gently caress is going onĒ probably came up a bit more often than that. So now I donít know what story Iíve been reading. Jan is dying from something, and sheís making peace with life and someone else through means and for reasons that are nebulous to me. How can you write 1200 words about so many things and not actually mention a single one of them? It boggles the mind.

This isnít your first rodeo so you should know by now what we do to people who play cutesy with their plot. Just pick a conflict and write the drat story.

tentacleDate Ė Kuya
Starts with a gut punch, ends with a gut punch, never lets up inbetween. Itís a bit see-through, sure. A very straightforward story about civilian victims of an invading military force. But as much as you played it straight, I think you did it effectively. It reminded me a lot of imagery of World War I Belgium. The same dread, the same pointless bloodshed.

In medias res beginnings have muddled some stories this week, but here itís pretty neat. We start with their flight attempt, and we end with its result. Everything feels urgent. The beginning hooks me and the fast pace carries me through, and yeah thereís a flashback here, but itís mercifully short. In fact I think it serves well to further illustrate the shock of the moment, and the horror of the entire situation. Describing emotionally cruel scenes can be very hard but you made a good choice here. Itís distant, as I would expect of someone in that moment. You just build up a wall inside. You run. The mourning comes later.

It was tight, it was neat, and it knew what story it wanted to be. Most importantly though, it was exciting. Not the most original story, sure. The prose was a bit bloated. But it was easy to follow even on a quick read-through, and always exciting. Maybe thatís my bias as a glutton for anti-war stories, but this was my other win candidate.

crabrock Ė The Look Down
The beginning confused me. Two paragraphs in I had to do a double-take and go back to the start because by then I realized you werenít writing a figurative piece on the concept of love, but a story about an honest-to-god car crash. It was kind of an awkward moment and now your story and I avoid making eye-contact with each other.

Once I got into it I thought it was a rather impactful (lol) experience. Some people said stuff about how itís weird that she chooses to kill herself and her baby in the flames, but those people are poopyheads who didnít understand that it was too late to escape when she found it. So personally I thought you handled the ďintense loveĒ pretty neatly. It wasnít an upbeat story, sure. But itís a piece full of emotion: the shock of the crash; the panicked, frantic searching for oneís family; the relief of having found them. The motif of self-sacrifice emerges naturally rather than being shoved in my face. Itís a very intense piece, and it grabs hold of you and doesnít let up. But thereís also a sweet note to its visceral action.

Kaishai Ė Confiteor
This stumbled over the same obstacle as epochís entry. As a character piece? Okay. As a portrait? Fine, but not groundbreaking. But plotwise? Yeah, no. Sorry. Thereís three slice-of-life vignettes, and they only gain cohesion in retrospect. By then I understand that youíre trying to tell the tale of an overprotective dad ruining his son, but for the most part Iím going ďBUT WHATíS THE STORY???Ē A kid falling over in a sandbox. *buzzer sound* NOPE

Itís not like there is zero story. There are measurable quantities of story. The problem is, they mostly stayed in your head, and happened off-camera. So you want to write about a dad spoiling his little sunshine rotten. Cool. Actually write about that though. Toss the filler. Since the intended theme doesnít come across clearly in the first two scenes it feels tacked-on at the end. I gain the impression that itís an aimless rant more than a focused story, and that the dad is kind of a douchebag, because I never get the sense of his son as an honest-to-god deadbeat who needs to learn his lesson.

This wasnít terrible, but the plot was a miss and then the rest felt a bit low-effort. If itís any consolation, the DM wasnít very decisive. Itís a DM anyway.

Broenheim Ė The Other Side
So what I gather from this is that the guy kills himself and then relives his wifeís death or some cookie-cutter crap. DM for the fact alone that you dared to submit flash fic about a guy jumping off a bridge.

Other than that itís just one of those puzzle entries that donít have much of a story to speak of. Just one long adventure down flashback road, the ultimate payoff being that you may or may not understand what the protagonistís conflict is when you come out the other end. Nothing is resolved, but at least youíll finally know what youíve been reading all this time. Exciting!

Iím not even sure if I got it because the whole premise of a man committing suicide off a bridge and having a flashback to his wifeís death bed seems so benign that I canít imagine you were seriously going for this.

Grizzled Patriarch Ė Seawall
Note: Sofia died back on the way to her home planet.

Iím glad you wrote an ending this time, but it wasnít particularly inspired. It came out of the blue and felt very unsatisfying because it didnít resolve much. Though now that I think of it, what was there to resolve? Things happen in this story, the scenes are definitely there, but the glue is missing. The protagonist is still more or less the same person at the end, and now Iím not sure what the grand design was. Itís like, everything just happens, and then it ends.

Some scenes are downright confusing. You start with the ring and then jump back in time, which I think is unnecessary for the story in its current shape. The couple starts drinking for no reason, not mentioning it like itís a normal thing for them to do, and then Sofia runs off, again for no apparent reason. Thereís so much left unsaid, and your hints such as they are donít do it for me, and then I donít know what message you had in mind. Iím sure thereís some intended character arc somewhere, I can faintly recognize the slightly curved outline in the general direction of your story, but every time I try to focus on it it just kinda pops out of existence like a faulty magic eye picture.

I think this could have been much nicer if youíd had a clearer concept in mind, or redrafted.

Schneider Heim Ė My Ex Friend's Wedding
Yeah hi, congratulations to your wedding. Well anyway you havenít seen me in years, we have both moved on, and this is the happiest and most important day in your life but gently caress YOUUUUUUU *throws up middle fingers* gently caress YOU gently caress YOU FUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUU *presses middle fingers into her face* FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--

Iím a CEO 10k a day and I donít need this poo poo 8) *walks out, throws a wad of one-dollar-notes in the groomís face* Enjoy your honeymoon, bitch. *drives off in a rental Ferrari*

P.S. Iím a man now.

newtestleper Ė Emmy's Algorithm
This has a very cool beginning where we get to see two distinct, diametrically opposed characters. Their interpersonal dynamics are obviously going to be a trouble spot, and in fact you quickly get to that, this agonizing one-dimensional relationship between the protagonist and his aloof girlfriend. But what do you ever do with it? I feel like you justÖ kinda tell me that itís there and thenÖ??? I get to the final line and admittedly I want to know what happens next but thatís also bad because Iím left unsatisfied.

Your scenes regularly dip into LSD trip territory. Your writing is strong, but sometimes I feel like youíre focusing too much on symbolic or fancy language and then Iím not really sure what picture Iím supposed to see in my head, with your mentions of blurry pixels and multi-colored threads and WAIT THAT PICTURE... ITíS ME!!! Itís like a prose experiment, and sadly it doesnít work for me. Then Iím just confused instead of having a pleasant reading experience.

This was on my DM list. Clarity is one of your most important duties as a writer, and for me you flubbed that, and wrote an incomplete story to boot. Considering what else we DMed this week, I think you got lucky.

Sitting Here Ė Somniphilia
By all accounts this story should be poo poo because itís some esoteric piece about a man in love with his own apathy, but somehow you make it work, and not just that but itís good. Oh Godddd screw you

I think itís because the story focuses a lot on the real-life consequences of this obtuse relationship, the symptoms of Nemoís depression or whatever, and because you make repeated use of the symbolism in various contexts. So this parable about a man loving the darkness isnít just a one-trick pony. It has facettes, and it affects Nemo in a way that makes for an understandable story of its own.

Most people would get a stern talking to if they misled me into thinking that the love interest is a real person when it later turns out that itís actually the night or some other vaguely defined crap, but I felt like this was a rare exception. The reveal doesnít suddenly make sense of things that didnít make sense before. Instead, it changes the context. Itís like, wow, Iím getting to know this guy. Live and in color.

So thereís a man who falls in love with misery, and through the course of the story he drags himself out. I can get behind that. Itís kinda cute, and the writing delivers. I actually thought this was one of the strongest pieces this week. Are there no lows you wonít sink to.

kurona_bright Ė Shattered Heart
Obviously the part where Sarah tries to arrest Rie is a major turning point of the story wherein I am supposed to be shocked that such a good friend would break our trust, but actually I never see anything of their relationship so it does nothing for me. But then that applies to a lot of elements in your story. Like, really, what is going on with everyoneís headmates? I assume weíre in some kind of Shadowrun universe where itís cyberpunk but people also have demonic parasites and magic is real. But Iím not entirely sure.

I like that the story starts in the middle of the action and just keeps going until the problem of her impending arrest is resolved by her flight to the surface. Itís like, you had some concept in mind. The relationship to Sarah, the demonic voices and the police state setting are all very prominently featured assets of your story. But the execution is weak. Most of the interesting stuff is glanced over in favor of messy parkour scenes and meandering, back-and-forth arguments that donít actually do anything other than stall the story. Neon wonít shut his drat trap and yet I still have no idea what he is or wants. Your story never clicks because it spends so much time on filler that it forgets about whatís actually interesting about it.

Flesnolk Ė Three Hours for One
Your prose is excellent, probably one of the best this week, and now I wish youíd have told a more exciting story with it. You tried. Itís there, somewhere, if you tilt your head and squint a bit, but if weíre being straight, all you wrote was a nicely dressed up travel report with internal monologue bits. There is good writing, but you waste it on highway rides and bathroom scenes.

Also Iím not sure I got the ending. He has a date with this woman, so why would she think him a creep for showing up in the area? Seems weird. I feel like sheís some kind of celebrity, because of the youtube videos that are being mentioned? But Iím not sure. Their relationship isnít clear to me, but itís integral to the piece.

sebmojo Ė f=ma
This is where Iím running out of things to say. Itís a fun little story. Itís not really profound. It just kinda runs along, but itís a cute moment between two characters who realize theyíre made for each other. I enjoyed this, but I was waiting for some kind of punchline and then I was a little puzzled when it just ended. Not necessarily disappointed. Iíd even go so far as to say that this story has plot. But I also feel like it missed a beat somewhere.

Anyway, the pace was quick and it was entertaining. It was good.

Djeser Ė The Golem's Violin
This was decent but it kinda feels like itís walking on the spot because by the end the golem still canít play properly, only now in a way that makes everyone sad. I mean I guess itís kind of a smart ending because the golem does learn to express himself, but it still feels unsatisfying. So the idea you had for a conflict is good, but I think you didnít do enough with it.




Final Ranking
Cool: tentacleDate, Ironic Twist
Fresh: Sitting Here, sebmojo, crabrock, WeLandedOnTheMoon!
That vaguely defined grey sludge of stories that are somewhere between mediocre and bad: epoch., C7ty1, Jonked, Fuschia tude, Kaishai, Broenheim, Grizzled Patriarch, Schneider Heim, newtestleper, kurona_bright, flesnolk
Twitch chat award for excellence in writing: spectres of autism, Thranguy
DNF: Djeser
Still didnít do his noire crits: The Saddest Rhino

Entenzahn fucked around with this message at Aug 14, 2015 around 13:15

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER



Thank you Ty, crabrock, and Ent for your crits *drives off in a rental Ferrari*

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

by R. Guyovich


bye

anime was right fucked around with this message at Oct 27, 2015 around 05:58

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

ty for the curts

J.A.B.C.
Jul 2, 2007

There's no need to rush to be an adult.


Broenheim posted:

As the Professor Oak of the judges, you can ask me for the pokemans, and I'll give you one. if you aren't a big nerd like me, here's your chance to get a good old pocket monster!

Count me IN, and please give me a monster. Otherwise I'll just pick from my team and it'll be a huge disappointment. Also, please flash rule me because I don't know any better.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014



J.A.B.C. posted:

Count me IN, and please give me a monster. Otherwise I'll just pick from my team and it'll be a huge disappointment. Also, please flash rule me because I don't know any better.

http://pokemondb.net/pokedex/skarmory



flash rule: i was once playing a pokeman game where if one of my pokes were to faint, i could never use them again (self imposed challenge to make pokemon a little tougher). i got this cool rear end steel bird and he was doing rad, but then he got killed because of a stupid magnemite with his stupid ability that made it so i couldn't switch him out and i had to let steel bird go and it was sad. your story will not be sad and no one will die. unless you kill a magnemite, that's the one exception. no fanfic btw.

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


Submissions close in just under 5 hours

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

The turtle moves.


Fun Shoe

crabrock posted:

29. screaming idiot
over by 30 words on MS word, google docs, and a random word counter site on the internet. where did you get your lower word count? you have a real problem with using vague descriptions before actually introducing the subject. this is very annoying. overall this story is cute, but you need to learn some basic mechanisms of storytelling. the ability of drobo to knock out a fucker and be influential comes out of nowhere. you need to foreshadow that poo poo to make it effective. would be mid-high but because you used too many words (shoulda cut out the speech in the middle, it was boring) you get a nice fat DQ

Ah, poo poo. Sorry, I did some revision before I uploaded it and I didn't realized I'd added more words than I'd cut. Thanks for catching it, though!

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In with a .

Doduo, I pick you!

kurona_bright
Mar 21, 2013


Thanks for the crits, Tyrannosaurus/Entenzahn/Crabrock! Your crits (and the TD podcast) all say to go smaller, so I'll do my best.

(Also, Tyrannosaurus, was it the large paragraph breaks that were the problem? I normally wouldn't ask, but I'd like to make sure)

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

In with Octillery.

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


Submissions are still open because I dont know how timezones work

Time remaining: 2hr 20 mins


Signups closed

a new study bible! fucked around with this message at Aug 15, 2015 around 12:45

Cache Cab
Feb 21, 2014


This is bullshit, how is anybody supposed to write for this contest when there's literally no time to sign up on the weekends? Some of us have families and jobs that take up our time on the week days.

Guess I'm out this week.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Cache Cab posted:

This is bullshit, how is anybody supposed to write for this contest when there's literally no time to sign up on the weekends? Some of us have families and jobs that take up our time on the week days.

Guess I'm out this week.

but you don't have a family

anymore

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Cache Cab posted:

This is bullshit, how is anybody supposed to write for this contest when there's literally no time to sign up on the weekends? Some of us have families and jobs that take up our time on the week days.

Guess I'm out this week.

You probably would have failed to submit on time anyways. We did you a favor if you think about it!

J.A.B.C.
Jul 2, 2007

There's no need to rush to be an adult.


Cache Cab posted:

This is bullshit, how is anybody supposed to write for this contest when there's literally no time to sign up on the weekends? Some of us have families and jobs that take up our time on the week days.

Guess I'm out this week.

But I thought you were too busy being published to worry about the Thunderdome Cabal that keeps everyone else down?!

Guess what? Some of us work on weekends. It doesn't take nearly as long as you think it does. Then again, let's be honest. You wouldn't have taken this prompt seriously, either. So, hey, win-win.

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

If only. THUNDERDOME

Not to mention all you have to do to sign up is say you're in and you have all week to say that one two-letter word. People write on Saturday and Sunday all the time.

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Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

The turtle moves.


Fun Shoe

Cache Cab posted:

This is bullshit, how is anybody supposed to write for this contest when there's literally no time to sign up on the weekends? Some of us have families and jobs that take up our time on the week days.

Guess I'm out this week.

Post your story anyway, blow the TD clique away.

Write about Pichu.

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