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Fumblemouse
Mar 21, 2013


STANDARD
DEVIANT


Grimey Drawer

wordcount: 1219

Necropolis Now

The Necropolis has three entrances; gates of stone, of air and of fire. The gate of stone, where the common people enter, is tall and black and wreathed with twisting curlicues. Sharp as coral, they catch and tear the flesh of any who try to clamber over it before their time.

There is a line outside the gate, winding back into the horizon. In the warm air those who wait hear echoes of echoes of caterwauls and eulogies. They ignore them, standing patiently in line until it is their time to step beyond the gate to and see what lies beyond.

The stone gate opens to them in time, as it must, as it always has. It opens to Suzie the teacher, her crushed face quietly pleading for assistance, who died beneath a building when the earth shook beneath them both. It opens them to Alison the scientist, with her lips of palest blue, who drowned when the boat she sailed to take water samples got caught in an unexpected storm. It opens them to Chris the singer, small and imperfectly formed, after a bad batch of morphine killed him before his cystic fibrosis could.

The doors open and the gatekeepers greet them and check their true names against the lists in the Scrolls of Welcome. Their names are always found for the gatekeepers’ routines are dependable as bone. Places are assigned within the catacombs and sepulchres that comprise the many buildings of the Necropolis. Silently, the dead assume their final positions of repose.

But today there is noise, noise and confusion. Today a gatekeeper has greeted someone not on his list. The ancient protocols are consulted, the ranking gatekeepers confer, and it is agreed that the charge must be taken to the Gate of Air. The job is given to Kelz, the gatekeeper who welcomed her. Their fates might be linked, surmise the others, as the Necropolis is a well organised place and such an unheard of event could not arise purely by chance.

Away from all this discussion, she gazes in awe at the polished ivory walls of the Necropolis, the sepulchres of bone, and the layered towers of bleached white stone. She watches with wide eyes as the ordinary folk are sent to their resting places within the walls of the Necropolis. She remembers.

Kelz takes her by her hand and leads her by the secret ways between the gates that only the gatekeepers know. She loses her sense of up and down, and the moon is hidden from her. In time they reach the topmost tower of the necropolis, where the scavenger birds and other psychopomps bring the heroes of the age to rest.

The gate of air is not truly a gate at all. There is no road leading up to it from the vastness of the necropolis below, its visitors are few and far between. They are the warriors who died in unselfish battle. They are the splendid who gave their own lives to gift life to others. They are the makers of history.

The necropolis welcomes them as it must, as it always has. It opens to James, who took the grenade for this brothers in arms, to Silvia, who starved so her children might eat, to Tania, who risked her soul to deliver women the childess life they chose.

The gatekeepers welcome them and take their names. Places are assigned. Silently, the dead lie back upon the cliffside ridges, given the gift of the heavens to contemplate in eternity.

Kelz approaches the gatekeepers here, hand in hand with the small girl who looks in fascination at the starry sky that surrounds her on all sides. He lets go her hand and she makes her way to the edge, peering over the side, feeling the dizzying vertigo. She sees the horizon below her and turns to stare at the heroes of the tower, who lie staring at the infinite. These, too, she remembers.

Kelz confers quietly with his compatriots, and she hears their sharp intake of breath at the situation. Looking over one shoulder, she sees them refer to their own Scrolls of Welcome, and hears them hiss in disappointment as they, too, fail to find her name.

Kelz approaches her once more, reaching out to take her hand. He tells her they must travel again, to the third and final gate - the gate of fire. Kelz speaks kindly, but she can tell that there is something else behind his words. What she cannot tell if it is merely frustration, or the covering of fear. Again they walk the secret ways of the Gatekeepers, and again she cannot tell where the path leads, nor the direction they have come from.

Beneath the loam of the graves, beneath the rocks of the earth, beneath the bones of the continent, the third gate lies in the fiery caverns of the Necropolis. The heat is almost unbearable but the girl does not sweat. Kelz explains to her that this is not a gate that is seen by mortal eyes - but that even gods must die in time. Lost to glory, lost to memory, the gods that pass through the gate of fire return their elements to the center of the world. In time, some part will find its way into worship once more - gods may die, but the emotions of humans, the wisdom and and the war, will find their way into the world, refined by the fires of the third gate.

The gatekeepers here are uncertain at their presence. They have not had anyone call at their gate for many generations. The gods of the world are entrenched now - kept alive by history, memory, and tradition, by the lasting word that man has brought into the world. Kelz speaks softly, to calm their fears, while the girl watches the molten core of the world. She has never seen anything so beautiful in her short life life. She will never forget this sight.

But here, too, there is no record of the child, her name is absent from their Scrolls of Welcome. Kelz sits beside her, and she sees a tear come into his eyes. She reaches out and brushes it away, as the walls of the caverns begin to shudder and quake.

The towers of polished stone begin to crumble. The catacombs of bone begin to twist and grind. The gate of stone begins to crumble, and those still in line race away from the tumbling Necropolis. The psychopomps desert the gate of air in drives, a tho

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flerp
Feb 25, 2014


Submission are closed

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Broenheim posted:

Submission are closed








lol i feel sorry for the judges

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


bye

anime was right fucked around with this message at Oct 27, 2015 around 05:59

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


Djeser posted:








lol i feel sorry for the judges

Fumblemouse
Mar 21, 2013


STANDARD
DEVIANT


Grimey Drawer

Well - gently caress. Cut and paste fail. Judges - do whatever is appropriate in this situation. Here's the end of mine:

The towers of polished stone begin to crumble. The catacombs of bone begin to twist and grind. The gate of stone begins to crumble, and those still in line race away from the tumbling Necropolis. The psychopomps desert the gate of air in drives, a thousand shadows swooping and swerving around each other. The fires of the earth roil and surge, and in moments the remnants of gods slip the molten core and wipe the Necropolis clean.

There is only desert, now, sand as far as they eye can see. The child sits in the center, alone. She begins to build and the years pass in an instant. She stands by a gate of silicon, the server racks of her own Necropolis behind her, some tiny portion of their memory storing her all her recollections of the gates of old. She waits behind the silicon gate, and for a moment remembers Kelz, crying at the end of his world. She puts the thought away, and begins iterating through her Arrays of Welcome.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk


The Rock God this got dq'd as fanfic because goddam but it's actually a pretty sweet story if entirely loving insane

Sebastian made the guitar sing with one note. It was sad, like someone stole its puppy from it and sold it into slavery; then posted Facebook pictures with a comment saying, “Stupid puppy only got me 5 bucks. Might as well buy some candy. #YOLO”. this is a tight OTT metaphor and a sweet onramp that sets out a nice heightened frame for teh story to happen in

He muffled the note and in that moment, his guitar, Xavier, let out a harmonic sigh. “If I were a woman,” Xavier said, the strings vibrating with every the words, “I would want you to father my children.”

“That’s a little weird, man,” Sebastian said.

The brown finish on Xavier’s body sparkled. “Doesn’t matter. You’re ready to crush Guitardome.” A string slid out from the guitar’s headstock and laid across Sebastian’s upper thigh for an uncomfortable amount of time.

Sebastian cleared his throat.

Xavier didn’t move the string. good pacing

“Alright!” Sebastian jumped up, then stuffed Xavier into a guitar case. He slung it over his shoulder and left his hotel room. neat scene

The case bucked against Sebastian’s grip. “Are we there yet? Let me at those French Surrender-Monkeys!”

“We’re playing in Berlin,” Sebastian said, readjusting holding the guitar case so he held it tightly against his side in an attempt to muffle the guitar strings.

“Then we’re gonna gently caress those Australians until they turn British again!” Xavier roared, drawing the attention of several people. I'd go for a vivid image here instead, if you find yourself writing bland stuff like this find a cool way to describe it

Sebastian began to doubt his decision to buy this guitar from a back alley gypsy. haha, this is a good example of bland straight up stuff working

***

“Holy poo poo! It’s like that dude spit a mouthful of Chiclets in the air,” Sebastian said in surprise. this i'd describe, by contrast, you're leaving good drama on the table

“Play me again! Do it!” The entire guitar vibrated in Sebastian’s hands.

He scratched nervously at his temple. “We won. That guy is really hurt, he won’t-”

“Play me, Sebastian! Play me!” Xavier demanded angrily. Sebastian’s hand inched toward the bridge until he finally strummed a chord. Xavier howled majestically. His music arced like lightning and struck the dazed musician in the chest with a puff of red mist. Like a marionette with its strings cut, the musician dropped to the ground. His guitar bounced off the floor with a discordant wail that snapped Sebastian out of his trance.

Blood was siphoned from the wet hole in the body's chest and it funneled into the guitar until the corpse crumbled into dust. Xavier became flushed with a vibrant red. The crowd cheered and relished the quality entertainment that is Guitardome. lol injoke, but it's a p funny one so we ok

“I am not okay with this! Oh gently caress!” Sebastian recoiled from Xavier and dropped it, but the guitar levitated in place. He turned to run, but metal strings whipped out and bit around his wrists and ankles, locking him in place. “Let me go! I don’t want to do this anymore,” Sebastian struggled against Xavier.

“Oh no. No, no, no,” Xavier said quickly. “You can finish this competition in one of two ways. As the greatest guitarist in the world,” the strings tightened and blood dripped from Sebastian’s wrists, “Or as one sexy corpse.” A guitar string snapped around and lashed Sebastian across the rear end. lol u insane mofo

***

The door to the dressing room exploded with shards of wood scattering over the stunned band inside. Sebastian loomed over the cowering men with Xavier balanced over his shoulder like an axe. He placed a finger to his lips, then pointed at them, throwing a crumpled piece of paper in the process. “You fuckers,” he said. Read it, he mouthed while looking at the piece of paper. “We’re going to rip your heads off your bodies and drink from your skulls like goblets.” Read it. i like this plot bit but it could be presented more cleanly

“Oh God yes! Seb, I love it when you talk dirty!” Xavier’s presence had sucked the color from the room. The light refracted around its bright-red body, with rainbows appearing at the edge of perception. cool “We’re going to bathe in your blood you guys! Are you excited? I’m so excited!”

Sebastian jabbed his finger toward the crumpled note. “I hope you’ve made peace with your God. You’ll be seeing them tonight.” He turned, left the room and strode toward the stage.

“You really had me going there,” Xavier said.

“I finally came around to your way of thinking.”

Xavier laughed, its music light and cheerful. “Let’s go smash some assholes.”

The crowd went mental when Sebastian walked out on stage. Hundreds of thousands of voices sprawled outward in the outdoor arena and they all chanted his name. He knew they really didn't want to experience the music. They came for the gratuitous bloodbath that happened when humans challenged a god. Or a demon. Whatever Xavier was, Sebastian was set on making sure it never took a life again after tonight. bluuurrrgh see this you need vivid not bland

When the opposing band entered the stage, the largest rock concert in the history of man drowned out their announcement by Sebastian’s name. In a different situation, this would have been what he lived for.

Sebastian held his pick to the bridge and closed his eyes. Have to end it today, he thought, no more killings. His pick brushed the strings and the music sprang to life, color pulsing over the people.

In the middle of a sick guitar solo, one of the guitar strings whipped out. Sebastian opened his eyes, turned around and saw the opposing band’s rhythm guitarist holding a knife in his hand while being propped up by a bloody guitar string through his neck. The crowd roared their approval.

“You really did have me going there, Sebastian,” Xavier said. “You think you’re the first puppet who’d tried to sever their link with me?” He laughed, and this time it was the sound of a million fingernails over chalkboard.

Sebastian stammered a response. “But, you can’t-”

“Can’t read?” The guitar screeched with discordant voices, “You need eyes to read, but I can echolocate like a motherfucker. You almost had me until I saw how nervous you were in the dressing room. I also saw something leave your hand. Doesn’t take a genius to know something’s up.” bad dialog, you'd be better shrinking this to a couple of your snazzy crazy lines

“I won’t do this anymore.” Sebastian said defiantly.

“Don’t be a little bitch, Seb. Just strike my strings one last time. I got the thirst right now and that crowd’s my tall glass of water.”

Sebastian shook his head and threw the pick to the ground.

“Whatever it is you’re thinking, I’d advise against it,” Xavier said.

Sebastian raised the guitar high above his head. Immediately, all six guitar strings pierced him through the shoulders, legs and abdomen. He momentarily lost the strength in his legs to stand but used the downward momentum to smash the guitar as hard as he could against the ground. The guitar strings thrashed around. He gritted his teeth and wrapped the strings in both fists and pulled with the strength of a desperate man.

Strings perforated his body like a sewing machine, but he was running on adrenaline now. The pain wasn’t even registering. The first string snapped free with a metallic ping and color bled out from the guitar. Another broke free but lashed across his face and with a sting, his eyesight was gone.

Three more strings popped out before Sebastian felt Xavier’s last string vibrating uselessly in an attempt to speak. Xavier wanted a ruthless killer. Well, he’s getting one.

With a shout, Sebastian rolled backward with a broken string squirming violently in his grip. His chest rattled in exhalation, but he found it impossible to take a breath in. In his last moments of life, he heard the new champions celebrate their victory and the crowd celebrate with them. ending so so, but the cut lines don't add anything. They’ll never understand how close to death they had been.

Sebastian drifted away still clutching the now quiet strings. Not many people... can go up against a..


good piece

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Thanks for the crit Mojolicious

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER



Second Round of the SH-Twist Brawl

Hush
491 words

The President was the first to disappear.

Millions saw the empty podium where he had been delivering the State of the Union address. Pundits, liberal and conservative, spewed rhetoric about false flag operations. Reporters camped out on Pennsylvania Avenue, sending harried correspondences back to television studios. The Department’s official statements were short and clipped, saying that they had no new information at this time, but that the nation’s duties would be fulfilled, an ominous begging-the-question that left citizens spinning in circles, teetering on a torn-away axis.

Then more people started disappearing.

Supermarket cashiers arguing about expiration dates on coupons. Software programmers presenting their newest developments at trade shows. Single mothers holding cordless phones between their ear and shoulder. Seventeen-year-old students speaking to guidance counselors about luminous futures.

Scientists studying the correlations of spontaneous dissolution.

When it all became clear, silence descended, deafening. Splitting the country into distinct halves.

The one half, the dominant half, favored chaos. Talking with their hands, or rather, their fists, their feet, their firearms. A closed mouth could not reason, could not beg, could not plead, could not cry out for help. In a sense, it was a return, or more appropriately, a devolution. Actions speaking louder, sharper, more forcefully, more finally.

Those in the second half sat cross-legged amidst the descending silence, dragging violence behind it like the tail of a comet, the plume left by a cruise missile. Staring up at the sky as it rained force, collision, impact.

Some of them died. Some of them lived.



We are in a soundproof room together.

It’s not perfectly soundproof, of course—we can hear short pitter-pats and sirenwails and ka-whoms from way above us. We make believe they’re bad weather rolling in, a sun-shower, a rainstorm.

The new world suits us perfectly—we never knew what to say to each other before. We treated silence like a beautiful house of cards that rose and built itself more beautifully and ornate every time we knocked it down, until we could only sit in front of it, arms around each other, careful not to exhale too hard.

I sit against one padded wall, my chin against the nape of your neck, my palms pressed against your stomach. You rest your shoulder blades against my chest, the slow swelling of our lungs in sync, like dual sets of ripples on a pond surface, concentric circles co-existing. My index fingers just connect over your navel, a spark of life in between.

We’ll only risk one word: Hush. As our child grows, cries out for lack of better words, we’ll say hush, as loud or as soft as we need to, and raise him that way. Teach him to speak through his fingertips, his skin cells like a million mouths. Teach him to grow up in a world where outstretched arms can be a bridge, and not a battering ram.

But for now we sit in silence, and listen to the rain falling.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


interprompt

history of civilization

100 words

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

twist v SH pt 2

There was a story here, but I'm going to submit it places. Here is a link that requires permission to view:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

Sitting Here fucked around with this message at Sep 18, 2015 around 22:43

Lazy Beggar
Dec 9, 2011


Hobbling Progress
81 words

Time plods along, and a dead leviathan bobs in a mildly tumultuous ocean giving the impression that some life lingers in the beast. At times most of its carcass is exposed to the wind, at others only a few tentacles feel sunlight. As the waves work to create this asymmetry, unseen scavengers consume the carrion from below and birds hack at it from above. Never does the bare flesh equal the hidden; always there is disparity. And always the beast rots.

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

Week CLXI Judgement


You all had one job.

Eight of you failed entirely.

Of the rest, well, overall you did very well. Even some of the bad stories had good bits in them. Overall, quality is way up since the last time I judged. Still, some did better than most. Benny Profane's Timber, epoch.'s Camp Holloway, Oxxidation's Keep Warm, crabrock's Nos Caedamus Amori and Kaishai's All That Remains all bring home Honorable Mentions.

And the promotion to judge for the winner goes to Sebmojo, for Dave:

Some of you did not do so well. Dishonorable Mentions go to God Over Djinn's The Hand that Stills My Wings, SadisTech's On the Water, and kurona_bright's Builds Character.

And the loss goes to GlyphGryph's Death on the Doorstep

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



WEEK 161 CRITS
Written as I read (except for the last two because fjgj)

GlyphGryph - Death on the Doorstep
First paragraph started slow but got to a good surprise/conflict. Second paragraph switches viewpoints for some reason so I hope the girl's viewpoint was important.

A man shows up dead and this lady goes "no police" and he's okay with it?

Weirdly noir tone to go with for something that's apparently modern day, given the camera phone.

It feels like there's points where you would have put in dialogue but the prompt stopped you, instead of writing a story that flowed on its own without dialogue.

The characters' actions don't entirely make sense here. The prime suspect shows up and the detective doesn't question him? And then he just lets him walk off somewhere in the house?

Oh, it's a twist ending. See, the problem with this is that it takes away any of the narrative thrust of what was going on. So I get that the bodies were chickens, then, did that mean the older brother just killed a chicken and left it on the porch because of unexplained reasons? And then what is the central conflict here? The trouble with twist endings is that they take away a lot of the meaning that the rest of your story works to build.

DM because I hate twist endings.


Benny Profane - Timber

Oh man, this is a big block of text.

I like the parts that alternate between short staccato and long rambly sentences. Some of the long stuff in the beginning is a bit too garden pathed though and you start to get lost reading it.

The mundane and ineffectual frustration here is very well described but I don't have anything to hang it on yet, going into the second giant paragraph. My guess, about being fired?

The way you skirted around just saying he was alcoholic was almost a little too subtle, but in the end I like it.

While this story was light on explicit conflict, since it's mostly just someone trying to come to terms with being fired (I assume) it shows a lot of skill and some really good emotional realism. Good use of a dialogueless situation, too.

HM, depending on how good stories are this week.


jon joe - A Man's Work

The repetition is a nice technique though it does kind of trivialize the time that passes between each paragraph. A long-view lifetime picture of someone is something that I think is pretty easy to make feel meaningful, but I think you did a good job of making it feel more personal than just a biography. What we get is essentially little scenes, which are good, and it's from a very in-person perspective, which is also good. I've seen other biography pieces that aren't as well-connected to a character and they feel kind of boring at points.

Good middle of the road story.


Entenzahn - The Great Galvani's Assistant

Right away, the opening catches my eye as something interesting, even if the conflict doesn't come in until a little later. It's not yawn, more of the same, it's more engaging and still ties in to what's going in in a good way.

Good way of saying she's starry-eyed.

Really, he got off with nothing and kept his job after accidentally killing his partner? Seems like a bit of narrative convenience, but I'll allow it.

Your one line might have worked a bit better if it wasn't separated on its own line. It's more of a quiet, personal line, so I think slipping it in would have been better than setting it off like something dramatic.

Ending is interesting, making it more about his internal struggle to commit as opposed to the external struggle of trying to do it right. All in all a good story, though don't know if it's going to reach the high ranks yet.


Nikaer Drekin - Rhapsody for Asa

Bit of an odd start, but I got into it once I got further along in the first paragraph.

The various names and small cultural details make my brain want to try to place this somewhere geographically, but I can't quite figure it out.

Feels like it's taking a while to figure out where the story's going. Three paragraphs in isn't too far, but there's only 1200 words, so you've got to move quick.

Ah, there we go, now there's some direction.

Asa's death feels a bit oddly described; the snap ringing out made me think someone had shot the beast. Snapping a neck would be quieter but more meaty, I'd think.

And then when an actual gunshot happens, I'm now primed to think "not gunshot". Whoops.

Hard to get a read on exactly what kind of setting still, with the fantasy wood and the ancient gunslinger and all that.

The ending feels like a decent resolution even if I could kind of see it coming. Nothing stunning but still a good story.


epoch. - Camp Holloway

Like the last one, trying to figure out where this is going in the beginning and not sure where it's going.

It's times like these when I wish I had more American History so I could actually pinpoint the date.

Oh never mind, there it is. Still hunting for the thread though.

The prose switches over from this somewhat dry style that's covering a lot of ground but not getting much description out into a more interesting style when you get to the part about the attack. Makes me wish more of the story was written with the same sort of presentness.

Again, the part where he's talking about learning what happened is kind of bland but moves things along, while the part where he's doing surgery on a dying man has some good imagery and is engaging.

Don't know why there's a scene break here when other paragraphs have jumped time between them.

"But Chisholm's stoicism..." is one of the most tell-y ways to get across your main character's growth.

In the end, I think this was a good story hiding behind a lot of telling and a rambly beginning. If you'd made it just the story of the attack and the aftermath, you'd probably have had a lot of time to get more good juicy specifics in, and you could still reference his family's military past and stuff in his internal monologue.


Oxxidation - Keep Warm

Good intro, kinda gross and horrific, but it's good, and it builds interest with an image that then ends with an interesting twist. (Note, twist beginnings are okay, twist endings are not.)

Ugh, this is good but it's tapping into some of my base anxieties.

It's also something that I often tell people not to do in Thunderdome, which is to conceal information, but here it works because you're concealing information where the whole conflict that the story works on is about gaining and understanding that information. As a reader, I always know enough to understand what's happening, it's just the why that's left out and what the protagonist is looking for.

HM/win candidate.


God over Djinn - The Hand That Stills My Wings

Liking the opening, there's some good phrases in here that turn these descriptions into something more.

The conflict here is evident but seeing where it's getting to is an interesting road. Not saying it's bad that it's taking some time here, as there's enough of a narrative arc to pull me forward, but I'm wondering what this is going to be about still.

There's some time weirdness in here that I'm sure is intentional, but there are some places where it's hard to keep track of. Also, for eighteen months, she's not leaving her house or going to school? I know this is a weird magical realism story but it seems like someone would do something.

Nice ending, though, and it's pretty neat to see a story with a young character like that who's deciding to be independent, though it feels like there's a lot more of her story that's left untold, because someone's going to go looking for her. At any rate, it was a good read with some really nice imagery.

HM candidate


anime was right - Minding the Hive

Sweet intro, nice body horror sort of vibes.

I'm liking the combo of the sunny, flowery natural environment with the oppression of having to serve this bee supervillain.

Some of the instances here the words get a bit confused, like the part about a princess tending to her queen--I didn't get what that meant at first, and it was only after reading further that it made sense with the weird hivemind bee biology. It's got good imagery though, and the conflict was nice and strong throughout, and I liked how consistent and sort of real the world felt despite there being hivemind bees that turn you into bees.

God drat Thunderdome and its bees.


Obliterati - Knock on Wood

Opening sentence is pretty utilitarian but it sets the scene well. Some of the imagery in the first paragraph is good, but some of it could use a little more time in the oven.

Paragraph four and I'm still sorting things out a bit--the why of the ruined station (and why they're competing against each other) is still vague, but I'm getting the feeling that it's a gardener and a carpenter stuck on a moon base, which is a nice take on the last astronaut on a base thing.

Does wood protect against solar flares better?

Now that I'm getting to where the conflict makes more sense (he wants wood for building, the gardener wants to keep the gardens growing) it feels like you could have set this up sooner and the conflict would be clearer and more resonant.

A plants-and-wood spaceship, nice. Though it probably wouldn't make it back through the atmosphere, I'd guess his goal would be to get picked up by a space station near Earth or something?

Lots of good ideas, but some points feel like dream logic--why they're the only two left, why they're fighting each other--there's explanations but they seem a bit more like narrative fiat in service of an admittedly kind of cool core concept.


Ironic Twist - Terminalis

What the flip is this first line.

All right, guess I'm the loser who doesn't know botany. The second paragraph is cool though, it's a good juxtaposition that makes me want to read more.

I also like how this is a thing that's been happening and he's cool with it, but it's only when it predicts death that we've got a problem.

Can't say I didn't see the end coming in some way--I figured the death was going to happen, no matter how he tried. It's definitely a pretty story, but I think this is a case of what we talked about in one of the recaps--it set me up for something pretty remarkable, and then the ending, while fitting, is kind of less than what I was hoping for.

Potential HM candidate.


SadisTech - Upon the Waters

This opening line is interesting, but a bit too abstract to hang my hat on what's going on yet.

Oof, the second paragraph had one heck of a garden pathed sentence. Once you get to two semicolons, you really should consider whether you might be better served by breaking up the sentence.

Scales and water makes me assume fish, but since he's going onto the land, I can now guess dragon. Cool, I like dragons.

And it's a dragon that's just wandering as everything evolves around him. Unfortunately I haven't picked up many personality traits from him, or really what his goal might be aside from trying to find his place--without a conflict, the story is mostly just describing things.

Nice, the T-rex is feathered.

Oh, okay, it's not so much a dragon as it is the snake and we've got the whole garden of eden thing going on with him figuratively guarding knowledge by killing the apes at the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

His final EVE!!!!!!!

THE FLINT IS THE APPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This isn't bad but you kind of missed hitting any strong emotional resonance, since the snake is mostly just an observer and we don't actually get a good look inside his mind at how he's feeling about it all. I told someone else they should have started closer to the action and I think this is true here too. If you made the whole story about the snake considering whether and why this particular human should be allowed to create while the others weren't, that would have been more engaging. As it is, the reasoning is kind of arbitrary--he kills people until he doesn't, the end.


Morning Bell - Last Flight of the Valiant

Good opening line, quick but tells me the conflict.

And good first (well, second) paragraph too, gives me a solid sense of the stakes: race to the escape pod.

The big flashback kind of slows things down a bit, but it does give us more background on their relationship in a way that feels fairly authentic.

The second big flashback is slowing things down more, though still, it's giving me important information. It does pick up by the end though, at least.

The ending fight is pretty nice, considering that it all has to happen in airless zero-G. I don't know if the slight gameyness of it says more about the way it's written or how much Alien: Isolation I've been playing lately. While it's not a story that's particularly surprising, you had one job and you did it pretty well.


Kaishai - All That Remains

The beginning is doing a good job of delivering this uncomfortable connection to a loved one's remains that just aren't the same as the person themselves.

This was pretty short, but it doesn't feel like adding it would make it any better. The irrational attachment and regret is a good emotion, and coupled with the ending, it gives a good sense of closure to the whole thing, because really, it doesn't matter, and he accepts that in the end.

HM candidate


Sitting Here - Junctional Escape Beat

Starts off pretty weird. I didn't get that "nerds in the top floor grey matter department" was the brain until I stopped and tried to figure out how there were skylights if this wasn't the top floor. I was coming up with some nice architecture though.

Oh, this is all about a body, okay, weird.

I can tell why Broenheim said he could tell this was yours even with Judgemode on.

The conflict here is kind of interesting but I'm having trouble grasping what it is, because it's all about this aspect of this person's mind. Also, I thought the four-chambered room with four walls that don't stop shaking was the heart, since this is a body metaphor, but now it's about memories in each of the rooms, so I don't know any more.

So it's a pretty nice story about overcoming personal insecurities in order to mack on a pretty girl, which is pretty nice, though it's hazy up till about the midway point about what's actually going on and the only conflict up until that point is 'nurrrr I don't wanna' from mister feelings guy. It's a weird metaphor but you stuck with it until it made sense, so kudos for that.

Potential HM?


Grizzled Patriarch - The Dictator in Exile

These first lines are pretty evocative and have good character, though they're definitely leading with character over conflict (aside from the vague conflict of someone whose body isn't what it used to be).

Though I'm halfway through and still trying to find the narrative thrust, I'm enjoying the character at the very least. There's a lot of good detail going into building him and this world and his actions, and he feels pretty personable at this point.

God drat, there's a lot of death this week. You guys hear "you had one job" and assume it's followed by "BUT YOU DIED." I liked the writing here a lot, but I'm still grasping for what the arc is, really. I like the humanness of the characters and the personable quality of the prose, but it feels like the conflict is fairly static here.


Killer-of-Lawyers - Dreams of Babel

Eh, not really feeling the opening. It works to tell us what's up immediately, but it's not setting up purpose or conflict here.

All right, a few paragraphs in and we've got an accident and a tower that's basically junk, that's a bit more but still doesn't say what's up.

"If you're just the next crew..." this sentence is hazy and confusing and I'm spending too much time trying to figure out what he's saying.

All right, so he's on a planet where everyone's in cryo.

"Her", good, keep not telling me stuff because then I'm sure to not know what's going on.

She's a ship's AI or something?

Okay, so at the end of the story, I'm still not sure what's up. Who's John in relation to this society? He's just doing this in return for supplies, and then what--is his plan to contact help and get picked up? He's reading from messages but where are these messages coming from? It's a story with ideas that I like but there's a lot of confusing unexplained stuff in the middle that drags it down.


sebmojo - Dave:

This beginning is just a bit monkeycheese, but you're the kind of writer with the chops to pull it together in the end so I guess I'll keep reading. I guess.

So far, the conflict is pretty clear and the escalation is working fairly well. There's nothing super stand-out about this, but I'm enjoying it and I can see this as a Coen Brothers or Tarantino action comedy.

And then it kind of ends where it began without a clear conclusion beyond the obvious fact that he's hosed. The pacing here is pretty fun though the ending does seem to come pretty quickly at the point where you realized you were running out of words and it was time to hit the custard note and wrap it up.


kurona_bright - Builds Character

The opening paragraph doesn't start off strong but at least we've got a source of conflict introduced before the end.

"That one grade" feels too vague, like if it was me I would be thinking very specifically about that class.

God drat that's harsh, mom crying over her dumb kid.

I didn't really like this one since it feels at best like a "study hard!" morality lesson. The vagueness of it makes it feel a lot less authentic, and honestly, considering how many people get into college now, I think one D grade probably wouldn't stop you from graduating. And wouldn't he have had warning if he was expecting an A and got a D instead? Like, in terms of grades? The prose didn't have too many problems aside from some tense and capitalization issues but it didn't make up for the slack in the plot. Plus, the conflict is really just "I got bad grades that kept me out of college. I have to tell my parents, so I did."

Possible DM?

I STOPPED LIVECRITTING HERE TO SAVE TIME

crabrock - the one about the cupid

This story started out pretty amusing and kind of meandered for a bit before deciding on a final conflict which, for whatever reason, makes the rear end in a top hat not be an rear end in a top hat any more. It felt thinking back on this like you kind of started writing not sure of where you were going to end up, hit on a plot thread, followed it, and then closed it out with as many words as you had left. I liked the comedic voice here like I liked it in Seb's story, but your stories both were kind of empty and flat in the beginning before they actually got into interesting situations.


Fumblemouse - dead AI ruins afterlife for everyone

Even death is no escape from AIs, I guess. It's a story that kind of operates on hiding information from the reader, which I'm not all that on board with, especially because the ending is dangerously close to a twist. I could go into a worldbuilding tangent about concepts of souls but I won't. This story is also pretty characterless--there's a bit about the gatekeeper's anxiety and sadness, but not a lot of motivation beyond that, and the dead AI girl seems kind of quietly oblivious. For some reason, the comedy version of this story is now stuck in my head with a Terry Gilliam-esque bureaucracy unable to handle the soul of an AI that's showed up in the afterlife. Unfortunately, I like that idea more than this story, which was really pretty, but kind of quick and ephemeral.

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


bye

anime was right fucked around with this message at Oct 27, 2015 around 05:59

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


anime was right posted:

p
r
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
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o
o
m
p
t
!











!

prompt?

epoch.
Jul 24, 2007

When people say there is too much violence in my books, what they are saying is there is too much reality in life.


Thanks for crit djeser.

spectres of autism
Feb 12, 2011

~it's like people say we're all gonna die
but me it's different i'm not trying to be alive~




Broenheim posted:

interprompt

history of civilization

100200 words

“This hypercube is really cool.” Rirthr said. “Have you even looked at it?”

“Yeah,” K'Gosli said. “It’s a seed for civilization and technology. It’s really pretty ultimate.”

“No,” Rirthr said. “I mean look at it. It’s all glowey.”

“Have another hit of this space blunt,” K’Gosli said.

“I know we’re supposed to deliver it to the Philus Quadrant,” Rirthr said. “But have you ever thought about just dumping it somewhere else, just for fun?”

“Too funny,” K’Gosli said. “It’ll spread ideas into the dimensional space of the planet to be picked up by local intelligence. Some slack-jawed microbe might think about evolving and making fire some day.”

“This is good poo poo,” Rirthr said, coughing. “Man, who cares. Let’s just do it and then do some donuts around stars.”

“Sounds good to me,” K’Gosli said. “Here goes.”

He pressed the button that made that happen.

“poo poo,” K’Gosli said. “I forgot that I used the hypercubes special properties to store all our space weed.”

“Bummer,” Rirthr said. “Guess we should go home.”

“Yeah bro,” K’Gosli said, and the ship shifted into warp space, creating a massive explosion that disentegrated the planet’s second sun.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


spectres of autism posted:

191 words of rule breaking for a loving interprompt wtf

gently caress you

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


Shhh, don’t say anything. Just read these crits.

Done through judgemode. If you don’t remember your story’s title well you’re hosed.

Quality this week was very good, a lot of good stories, a lot of stories I liked, but because of that, I’m also judging you guys by a pretty high standard.

Death on the Doorstep

Opening Paragraph: It’s alright, but it feels odd. Girl doesn’t appear like much, especially with the next line, feels like the intro to a Law and Order episode where the opening just sets up the crime.

Characters: Boring as gently caress. Like, they are all nameless besides Scarlet and they don’t do much besides the private detective just walking around and meandering about.

Plot: Four paragraphs, bored as all hell. Nothing intriguing whatsoever. Ok, someone’s dead. Do something with that already. Boring detective poo poo, who cares, victim has nothing to do with the story, crime doesn’t matter, no urgency, no loving anything. And then the ending is just a baffling stupid twist that is so completely unnecessary that it makes no sense.

Prose: Not terrible, the last part was actually decent, though it needed to be a bit more concrete. Things were just kind of nebulous.

Prompt notes: Just because things aren’t dialogue tags doesn’t mean it doesn’t count as dialogue. Idk, to me, I’d prob have you DQed but it’s up to Thranguy

Final Grade: D. Possible DM.

Timber

Opening Paragraph (Ok, well maybe like the first two lines): The opening line is a pretty good image that’s intriguing. I like it a bit, though it could give a little more information. Turns out the first paragraph blows, so loving boring.

Characters: There’s some characterization in the voice, which is alright, but, gently caress, that’s about it. There’s no struggle, no conflict in the majority of the story, just the guy talking, not really even that well of a voice tbh. It’s… gently caress.

Plot: Halfway through first paragraph, I have no context, a lot of just weird mundane poo poo happening, no real concrete characterization, just, nothing. It’s wasting my time and I’m getting pissed. GET TO THE loving POINT CHRIST I DONT HAVE ALL loving DAY TO READ THIS STUPID STORY WHERE NOTHING loving HAPPENS CHRIST. This is even more loving frustrating because you know how to write mechanically, but this story, it blows. Halfway through, there is nothing. Some nice images that add to absolute poo poo because I have no context, no concrete characterization, just mundane poo poo explained for some loving reasons that makes no sense. gently caress, this story better have an ending that warrants all this loving attention. Nope, it ends without really anything. I don’t know what the gently caress this story was. I don’t know what this ending was supposed to be about, what happened. There’s no context, just a bunch of mundane detail about some bullshit that happens, and ughhhhhhhhh this was a goddamn waste and I loving hate you for it. Ok, I think you’re trying to get across someone trying to come to terms with… something, but it’s so vague and unclear and focused on these small stupid details that it adds up to absolutely nothing. An issue is that without the prompt, this story doesn’t make sense. Even then, nothing happens. The guy is just mad and acts mad and goes grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, but there’s nothing else. No conflict, just a bunch of inane details. gently caress.

Prose: You have a strong way of writing, it’s well detailed and precise, but it’s wasted on the most mundane poo poo in the world. It’s pretty, I like it a lot, but there’s no point to it. It’s just an absolute waste on the least interesting story in the world.

Final Grade: gently caress you. I want to DM you so badly for making the most boring story in the world.

A Man’s Work

Opening Paragraph: Meh

Characters: The main character was characterized pretty well, although all the kids were just kind of there, and most of them did nothing. Too many names that confused me.

Plot: Alright, but a lot happens that isn’t fully explained. This needs a lot more focus on a specific moment rather then these small snippets of things happening, although it wasn’t bad.

Prose: Eh, some of the phrases were difficult for me to read, so not the best.

Final Grade: C. Middle

The Great Galvani’s Assistant

Opening paragraph: Really good, I like the imagery, and it adds to the story and gives us detail to what the conflict will be.

Characters: Also, pretty great. Galvani has some good characterization, a nice arc, flawed in the right ways. I was interested in reading about him, though he wasn’t the most compelling character. Lucy was also good. She had a good amount of characterization and her actions in the story, while necessary for it to make the story continue, also makes sense for her. She also an arc of sorts.

Plot: It was alright. The pacing could’ve been a bit faster, but it’s subdued and a bit quieter, more of a personal struggle then a big overarching conflict, which isn’t bad. I just feel like there’s something missing in it, something that brings this piece completely together.

Prose: Liked it a lot. A lot of good lines, good images, good metaphors, good voice.

Final Grade: B. HM


Rhapsody for Asa

Opening paragraph: The opening is good, but in the rest of the story, a waste. The bread idea is dropped pretty hard and the “that’s all he ever wanted for his birthday” appears like that’ll be the conflict, but it isn’t, so it’s good before reading but after reading I’m just left thinking “what was the point?” It has little effect on the story itself.

Characters: I liked the brother. The protag was kind of bland.

Plot: The bread opening is a bit weird because it seems like it would be a big part of the story, but it pretty much isn’t. I think that needed to be pushed harder into the story, that little detail, since it was a good detail that gave some character but gets dropped because you don’t know what to do with it. I’m a big sucker for fable stories, but there are pieces missing. Deadeye just kind of shows up for some reason. Then they go into the woods just because, I guess. Doesn’t really make sense since it was so warned about that you wouldn’t expect them to just go running into it. Feels like you're just adding things in because they need to be in there rather then let the story happen naturally. Also, the framing device at the end is completely unnecessary.

Prose:

quote:

I walked home, sure that the elders would beat me for my failure, but the sad acceptance that crossed their faces as I told the story was somehow more horrible than any punishment. That meant it was all real.

What a loving good line. Still, there’s a bit of exposition, though some of the writing is nice. The fable tone is alright.

Final Grade: Middle.

Camp Holloway

Opening Paragraph: It’s decent, though feels a bit unnecessary

Characters: You made me go awww when Chisom couldnt play ball, you fucker. You made me care. Overall, protag isn't awful, he’s believable at the least. Chisom was nice, but I wanted more scenes with him, show me his character more.

Plot: Pacing is a bit off. We need to get to the meat of the story faster. First five paragraphs need to be condensed. Don’t need the stuff about how his family’s been in war, or all the details about him being in the non-combat stuff. Ending kind of blows, especially the telling of “But Chisolm’s stoicism in the face of his own injuries and loss inspired me.”

Prose: A bit too much exposition. Need to see things actually happen.

Final Grade: Middle

Keep Warm

Great opening. This story, honestly, should’ve gotten the win. The writing was top notch, the idea was compelling, and this story kept me enthralled the entire way through. There’s a bit of an issue in that is more of a vignette and the ending is a bit of a non-ending. It’s very intentionally meaningless, where things are vague and confusing and there’s no conclusion and that’s what you wanted. However, you achieved that, but it then leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Why tell this part of this guy’s story. It’s just another part of his story, I want to see more. I want to see him at the end, some kind of conclusion. Maybe it doesn’t have a conclusion, but readers want conclusions. Just because you want to achieve something doesn’t mean you should. It may not be satisfying. Still though, I liked this story, it just needed some refinement and some kind of conclusiveness.

The Hand That Stills My Wing

Another story that needed work but should not have DMed. I fought for this not to loss because this is not an awful story. It has a bunch of ideas that are scattered about kind of randomly. It needs to be certain in what it’s trying to do. There’s no real arching conflict, things are just kind of happening, and the story doesn’t have a clear focus. I liked the character, and with some sprucing up, it can work well as a story. It needs a bit of refinement, but this is far from the worst story this week or Thunderdome.

Minding the Hive

If you’re trying to gross me out, you gotta try harder then that. Bleh, cool idea, but that’s all it was. An idea expanded across 1000 words. Needs something more, something else then just creepy bee lady. Don’t like the ending. Don’t really feel the character. Didn’t feel like much of a story. Needs a bit of character. Middle.

Knock on Wood

This wasn’t awful, just lacked any real meaning to it. This was just mostly bland to me. There’s a cool conflict between carpenter and gardener, but I don’t really understand what’s happening or why. Characters are kind of plain and boring, and then the dude fixes a space ship with wood or something? How does that work? Anyways, I don’t have much to say. Prose was meh, conflict there but not developed in any real sense and just resolved kind of easy. Idk, this doesn’t do anything to me.

Terminalis

Lol, the line breaks give you away Twist. This wasn’t awful, but the beginning is very much so “hey here’s my cool idea, keep looking at it, it’s so cool,” and doesn’t develop the plot. The plot itself is a bit weak, though the writing is very nice. It didn’t have that oopmh, like the idea is here, but it needs to be something more. I like the character arc but it just kinda happens suddenly without really anything causing it. He gets hit by the old lady and now he’s like “oh, i’ll stop being a prophet now.” Like, what? Why? All of the prophecies were nice anyways, so it doesn’t really make sense. Then he just so happens to show up when the old dude dies? A bit contrived. Overall, not awful, some really nice words, just the big stuff is missing. Predictable ending.

Upon the Waters

Purple as gently caress. Opening is confusing as it seems like a normal person then you’re good. Not that great, some of the writing is good, some of it gets way too purple prose, but things just kind of happen. Like the god just gets bored and tired of doing his duty for no loving reason and just lets humans be smart for whatever reason. Idk. Middle, possible DM.

Last Flight of the Valiant

Meh, not awful, just kind of bland sci-fi without much to it. There’s some good characterization particularly in the second scene, but besides that, nothing much of note. There’s a lot of wasted time, a lot of set up without any payoff. The ending was good, vivid, nice action, but there’s not much else to it. Middle.

All That Remains

Nice, simple, sweet, but not much to it. Some hints of characterization, but it had a lot of extra words to work with and it lacks any strong characterization. Ending was pretty weak too, needed a bit more. Really, this story just needs to be expanded, kind of just have to assume that we care about the wife without much reason. I just like the simplicity of the story, but because of that, it can’t be more. I disagree in that there can’t be more added to it when it can. We can get some more details about the relationship, make me really care. Not too much, but just a little bit more of a taste. Middle.

Junctional Escape Beat

The beginning blows super hard. I have no idea what’s happening, why any of this matters, no context, little character, it just acts weird and strange and is some kind of metaphor that I don’t understand. Thankfully, you tell us the metaphor at the end, which is a big thanks, though there are a lot hints (grey matter made me think of brain but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out the connection between the house and brain, heart makes sense, but ehhh either im really dumb or something). Still, there’s no real conflict until the end, character is meh. Like, reading the beginning again is nice knowing that it’s the heart, but it lacks an established conflict at the beginning. It’s just this nebulous sort of thing happening without any real interest from me. Not awful, just needs more. It needs something more than just the metaphor.

The Dictator in Exile

Super underdeveloped. Like, who is this dictator? Why is this happening? Most importantly, why should I give a poo poo? Writing is ok I guess, idk. I don’t have any context for what is happening, things just occur and for some reason I’m supposed to care? Sure, the dictator has some characterization, but it feels short and hollow. There is so much lacking in character and there’s just a few nice details but they don’t add up to anything of consequence. Low middle.

Dreams of Babel

Middle. Lol this is the second time judging where my reaction has been the same for you. just middle and have to bullshit a crit. Let’s see here, I'm mostly confused here. I'm not what the guy is supposed to be doing, who this girl is. He considers unfreezing people, but I'm not sure if he was unfrozen recently, or he was always not frozen, and then who is this girl? and sarah? and why does he need the food? There's so many things that I don't quite understand and don't really care about.

Dave:

Didn’t hate it, but it was just kind of dumb and silly, but sometimes, that’s all we want in life. Don’t think this should’ve done, or even HMed tbh, but it did what it set out to do, but it’s just kind of like a potato chip. It did what it wanted to do, was a fun little thing that leaves me satisfied, but not really anything else. It wasn't awful, it just felt like you wanted to wrote a silly story for fun, and you did, and you succeeded, and I respect that. But you shouldn't have won. Not with this.

Builds Character

Nothing happens. Kid just sits at a lake and muses for a bit and then is like welp time to grow up. Then the mom doesn’t even care and there’s kind of an arc, but it’s not really a story. I want to see the effect of this decision. The thought process is a bit off but I don’t care. It’s a nice idea, but I’d rather see him react to what happened through his actions, show us character not through him talking in his head, but by him doing actual physical things.

Some Latin Name or Whatever


I liked this, but was more of a vignette then an actual story. The ending was the closest to it, and I liked it a bit, wish that was expanding upon more rather than just “another day in the life of Cupid,” which while fun and interesting, isn’t really a story. It feels like you were just writing the story, trying to figure out what to do, and then you figure it out, but instead of going back and cutting out the unnecessary poo poo, you left it in. Then, with all those wasted words, your ending is completely underdeveloped. He just sees the girl and watches her for like a minute and Cupid’s like “ok time to stop being an rear end in a top hat,” which sucks. I really did like the beginning because it was cute and funny, you have a good voice, but it’s not a story until the very end and it's rushed with a non-ending.

Necropolis Now

The ending is weird and I just don’t get it. Like, she’s a robot or an AI or something? Call me a moron or something, because you’re right, but I don’t think this is trying to be super deep, I’m just kind of dumb and flustered and don’t want to think too hard. Anyways, I like the imagery, the whole journey through this version of the afterlife which is cool. Still this goes inbetween having actual characters and then vague not characters. Idk this story is strange for me. It didn’t do much. Like it was a neat idea that I liked reading about, but as a story, it was just kind of bland. No real investment in, maybe I’m missing some symbolism or bullshit, but on a base level, it’s cool, but lacking in something really compelling.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

Seb can sh and I have your prompt? I'll give one to you if i ever win again

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

Thunderdome Week CLXII

The best of the worst and the worst of the best


Lots of grumbling about judging ittd right now so let's get our elbows sticky, shove them nice and hard into 'dome guts.

Sign up for this week and say whether you're a WINNER or a LOSER. We'll assign a random thunderdome week from history, and your story prompt will be a rewrite of the WINNER or LOSER of that week.

Now it's easier and more fun to rewrite a loser, but if you rewrite it and make it worse? DM. Conversely making a winner better is the only route to an HM this week.

When we're judging the actual winner and loser of this week can come from either side, naturally; no one is safe.

Rewrite can be taken broadly - maybe a different interpretation of the same theme, or a different take on the characters, or just wrapping some different words around the story. Don't really care but if we can't tell how your story is related to the one you were supposed to rewrite that's a DQ.

Winners and losers are natural enemies, so trash talk is to be encouraged.

Got it? Got it.

Judges: me, djinn, rhino

Deadlines Fri/Sun 2359 pst, 1500 words max

WINNERS

Meinberg
Jon joe (modern city, inexplicable monopody)
Entenzahn
kurona_bright
Lazy beggar
Epoch
Docklock
Mons Hubris
Grizzled Patriarch
Fumblemouse
Newtestleper
crabrock
Thranguy
Screaming Idiot


LOSERS

WLOTM!
spectres of autism
broenheim
worlds best author
iceberg university
killer of lawyers
leekster
djeser
Mercedes
ovaltine
surreptitious muffin
Lazy beggar
no beer left
skwidmonster
after the war
fuschia tude


sebmojo fucked around with this message at Sep 11, 2015 around 13:08

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


Prompt!!!! I mean poo poo in

Also with the most dms i think im really a loser

spectres of autism
Feb 12, 2011

~it's like people say we're all gonna die
but me it's different i'm not trying to be alive~




im a loser as well

Jon Joe
Oct 19, 2011

HELP! I'VE FAILED AND I CAN'T SUBMIT


Grimey Drawer

In as a winner because I feel like ruining art.

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


Soy un perdedor...

Meinberg
Oct 9, 2011

ICE-MEIN


In it to win it!

Lazy Beggar
Dec 9, 2011


Winner. Ready for a fall.

Thanks.

worlds_best_author
Aug 23, 2015


In, now who's my unlucky loser?

leekster
Jun 20, 2013


I'm in with a loser and a .

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

Meinberg posted:

In it to win it!

Week 26: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?...itle=contraband

WeLandedOnTheMoon! posted:

Soy un perdedor...

Week 126: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?...itle=Charolette

jon joe posted:

In as a winner because I feel like ruining art.

Week 133: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?...le=Out+of+Reach

spectres of autism posted:

im a loser as well

Week 43: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?...iar%27s+Paradox

Broenheim posted:

Prompt!!!! I mean poo poo in

Also with the most dms i think im really a loser

Week 32: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?...=Rural+Rentboys

kurona_bright
Mar 21, 2013


It'll be either mediocrity or the lava pit for me this week.

Signing up for the winner's list.

Jon Joe
Oct 19, 2011

HELP! I'VE FAILED AND I CAN'T SUBMIT


Grimey Drawer


Flash rule me.

spectres of autism
Feb 12, 2011

~it's like people say we're all gonna die
but me it's different i'm not trying to be alive~





oh god

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


Once a loser, always a loser. In!

IcebergUniversity
Jun 23, 2015

by zen death robot


I'm IN.

And I'm gonna be a LOSER.

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why didn't you invest in
Thunderdome?


Squire, assign me one of those so-called "winning "stories"" so that I may turn them into something readable.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

If you're a newbie then you need a writocracy account to read these, unless you want to paw through the old threads (which you should do from time to time anyway). PM kaishai or come into irc, #thunderdome on synirc.

worlds_best_author posted:

In, now who's my unlucky loser?

Week 16: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?...e=Don%92t+Cross

Entenzahn posted:

Squire, assign me one of those so-called "winning "stories"" so that I may turn them into something readable.

Week 7: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?...mpaign+Trail...

IcebergUniversity posted:

I'm IN.

And I'm gonna be a LOSER.

Week 152: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?...title=St.+Maria

Killer-of-Lawyers posted:

Once a loser, always a loser. In!

Week 55: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?...+Aberrant+Girls

kurona_bright posted:

It'll be either mediocrity or the lava pit for me this week.

Signing up for the winner's list.

Week 107: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?...tle=Still+Water

leekster posted:

I'm in with a loser and a .

Week 34: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?...ambraces+at+Sea


Lazy Beggar posted:

Winner. Ready for a fall.


Week 117: http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?...%27s+Worst+Fear

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



I am a big loser.

Also please give me one of the losing stories from a week of Thunderdome.

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Ovaltine
Mar 23, 2012


In!

(for some good old fashioned losing.)

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