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  • Locked thread
Megazver
Jan 13, 2006


Screaming Idiot posted:

I have to say, this week's been really impressive. Lots of imaginative gods, clever twists on traditional ideas, and a great range of tone. I managed to finish my story, but I couldn't get to work to post it in time -- just as well, because I didn't do any of my ideas justice at all.

As I have sinned in the eyes of the Gods of the Thunderdome, I shall atone. To that end, I'll offer line-by-line critiques of the next three people who ask for them.

Hit me with it.

I am lazy so I am not offering to pass it forward.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

contagonist
Jul 21, 2014

You shouldn't be doing anything with fluorine.

Every time I think of my sub I hate it more. I'm trying for complex plots and keep milling trash.

Bompacho
Nov 28, 2005


contagonist posted:

Every time I think of my sub I hate it more. I'm trying for complex plots and keep milling trash.

I sacrificed a lot of backstory and action for the word count so I'm not as happy with mine as I was at 1800 words. I feel like I had to end it too abruptly.

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Most of us are sympathetic to these problems deep down in our black hearts, but one, this isn't the place to talk about them (that would be Fiction Advice), and two, do you really want to tell the judges your story blows instead of letting them decide that for themselves?

Megazver
Jan 13, 2006


If judges are at all reading this and are influenced by it, my story is amazing.

Bompacho
Nov 28, 2005


Kaishai posted:

Most of us are sympathetic to these problems deep down in our black hearts, but one, this isn't the place to talk about them (that would be Fiction Advice), and two, do you really want to tell the judges your story blows instead of letting them decide that for themselves?

If it blows they are going to notice without me telling them. I'll be banished to the aboend bunker.

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

The turtle moves.


Fun Shoe

newtestleper posted:

I would love one for this weeks story, thanks. I'll pass it on and do an in depth crit for one of the newbies. If none of them ask I'll just choose one at random.


Hammer Bro. posted:

I could go for one of those, actually. I tried a thing, and I don't think it worked out how I thought it did, but I'm still recovering from The Fever so I'd appreciate (and take seriously) any critiques for next time I try.

Also what 'mojo said.


Megazver posted:

Hit me with it.

I am lazy so I am not offering to pass it forward.

Gotcha, fellas. IdiotCrits will be forthcoming in the next couple of days, providing work is merciful.

And sure, I'll post my story. It's nowhere near what I wanted it to be in the end, but at least it's finished.

EDIT: Okay, I have a problem -- I can't find the loving thing and I gotta go back to work. I'll post it when I find it. Sorry.

Screaming Idiot fucked around with this message at Feb 24, 2015 around 01:32

Fumblemouse
Mar 21, 2013


STANDARD
DEVIANT


Grimey Drawer

Megazver posted:

If judges are at all reading this and are influenced by it, my story is amazing.

Hey, did any of you folks notice how amazing Megazver's story was? I mean, there's amazing, and then there's amazing and Megazver's was truly and absolutely amazing.

Love

-A. Judge

Just kidding. I used the Writocracy Judgement Mode because it's a really good idea and sounds bad rear end so I don't know who I gave my solitary 10 our of 10 to and won't until I get home and finish drinking Chocolate Martinis. Results should be up within 11 hours, and possibly up after 6. Assuming I can still type at that point. No promises, little godlings.

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Screaming Idiot posted:

I can't find the loving thing and I gotta go back to work. I'll post it when I find it. Sorry.

lol

e:

dreadmojo fucked around with this message at Feb 24, 2015 around 02:14

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

Whose kitty litter did I shit in?


Let's keep the crit chain letter going! Crits for crits!

1) unclaimed Bennycritcontagonist

2) unclaimed Bennycrit

Benny the Snake fucked around with this message at Feb 24, 2015 around 05:30

contagonist
Jul 21, 2014

You shouldn't be doing anything with fluorine.

Benny the Snake posted:

Let's keep the crit chain letter going! Crits for crits!

1) unclaimed Bennycrit

2) unclaimed Bennycrit

Rip me a new one Benny.

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

Whose kitty litter did I shit in?


contagonist posted:

Rip me a new one Benny.
Which week? And one crit left!

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

The turtle moves.


Fun Shoe

sebmojo posted:

[white noise image macro]

If I wanted to weasel out, I'd just say "Decided not to post this week" or something to that effect -- it's not like I toxxed myself. I wasn't satisfied with my story, but I still worked my rear end off on it and I'm genuinely annoyed I can't let a fresh pair of eyes take a look at it to tell me where I went wrong.

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




Screaming Idiot posted:

If I wanted to weasel out, I'd just say "Decided not to post this week" or something to that effect -- it's not like I toxxed myself. I wasn't satisfied with my story, but I still worked my rear end off on it and I'm genuinely annoyed I can't let a fresh pair of eyes take a look at it to tell me where I went wrong.

If you find it and post it, I'll crit it for you.

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

The turtle moves.


Fun Shoe

Grizzled Patriarch posted:

If you find it and post it, I'll crit it for you.

Thank you! I'd really appreciate it, GP! I like the gimmick I used with it -- one story told through three differing perspectives -- but I remember the last few times I tried gimmicks and how they bombed.

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Screaming Idiot posted:

Thank you! I'd really appreciate it, GP! I like the gimmick I used with it -- one story told through three differing perspectives -- but I remember the last few times I tried gimmicks and how they bombed.

i can see it in my heart and it is beautiful

Fumblemouse
Mar 21, 2013


STANDARD
DEVIANT


Grimey Drawer

Fumblemouse posted:


Just kidding. I used the Writocracy Judgement Mode because it's a really good idea and sounds bad rear end so I don't know who I gave my solitary 10 our of 10 to and won't until I get home and finish drinking Chocolate Martinis. Results should be up within 11 hours, and possibly up after 6. Assuming I can still type at that point. No promises, little godlings.

PSYCH!!

Judge confab continues. More news as it comes to hand.

contagonist
Jul 21, 2014

You shouldn't be doing anything with fluorine.

Benny the Snake posted:

Which week? And one crit left!

Gods week.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



gods strong

contagonist
Jul 21, 2014

You shouldn't be doing anything with fluorine.

Djeser posted:

gods strong

Someone punish him.

Megazver
Jan 13, 2006


Fumblemouse posted:

PSYCH!!

Judge confab continues. More news as it comes to hand.

oh god the tension is killi-

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

contagonist posted:

Someone punish him.

Djeser speaks truth he has drunk the sacred mixture and his words have the fire of heaven

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


I have passed my thoughts along to Fumble, who is presumably having a beautifully sunny New Zealand morning ruined by the prospect of how terrible you all are. I will attend to crits as and when I can, so optimistically by this weekend. There may be a bit of sweaty, fleshy, judgy rough and tumble between us before we have a total verdict, but by a reasonable time for you Amerigoons.

Fumblemouse
Mar 21, 2013


STANDARD
DEVIANT


Grimey Drawer

Results post: episode 133: Twilight of the Idols

The holy man, emaciated after months in the sacred desert, gives up once and for all. Forsaken.

The heavens part and the results appear, descending on marshmallow clouds of yellow and pink, written on slabs of chocloate.

The holy man is torn - should he satiate the raging hunger that gnaws at him with this sweet, sweet relief. Or should he follow his more spiritual urgings, that brought him here to the desert in the first place, and learn that which the gods have deigned to share?

Luckily for you, you hordes of clamouring dome believers - he decides to read. Then eat - he's not an idiot.

And the slabs sayeth:
---
So - this was a lot of stylisticially similar stories, making picking them apart a little harder than normal. But with the energy derived from the blood sacrifices of the faithful, we did and here's what we found.

By unanimous agreement - the worst story was The Unkindness, by Bompacho. I lost three years worth of punctuation training just by reading it. But, just as every larger-than-life myth contains a tiny grain of truth, the story did have slivers of promise in its ideas, just terrible, terrible execution.

The band of demons who joined in when Bompacho went down to Georgia should feel equally wracked with guilt for their efforts.

Nom-Nom Nutri-Bar Presents! Mightily Forward Thrust Heroics! Episode 12: Trouble on Moonsat Gamma. by PHIZ KALIFA - we don't know what you were thinking, but never have that thought again.
IdiotHellFucker69 - by Nubile Hillock - you desparately needed another joke in this piece, but no - the same one - over and over - infinitehellfucker

But evil must be balanced by good if the wheel is yet to turn. Those who not only didn't disgrace themselves but earned the favour of the thunderthrone with the mythologising were:

The Thing Beneath The Waves - By Grizzled Patriarch had everything I wanted from a myth, an epic sense of poetry
Unrung - By Sebmojo caught Jeza's eye, well rounded and memorable.

And the victor and first in the Eyes of the Gods....

Out of Reach by Ironic Twist. I cede the throne to you.

---

The holy man ate holy chocolate and was sated at last. Judgement had come and it had lots of nutty bits and wasn't dairy milk.

quote:

In the distance a Raven's cawed sounded like laughter.

Fumblemouse fucked around with this message at Feb 24, 2015 around 20:35

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




Fuckin' finally Twist!

Capntastic
Jan 13, 2005

A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Fallen Rib

Pre-emptive in

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why didn't you invest in
Thunderdome?


Wow, what a tw--

what a twi--- pfchchchchch...

WHAT A TWIST






get it












prompt

wigglin
Dec 19, 2007



Bompancho posted:

An Unkindness 1500 Words - In with SurreptitiousMuffin's The Monkey.

Flower petals clung try “cling” instead to the stones of Meriva’s barrow, though the scent of the dragonlillies No need for capitalization had been stifled by the pouring rain. Roaan stood by his wife’s cairn for hours, with wet hair in his face, his tunic soaked. He broke his vacant stare at Meriva’s resting place to look at the other mounds. Some overgrown with weeds, thistles, and thornbushes, and others more freshly made. Only one as fresh as Meriva’s. Allude to this better. You just spent time mentioning how ratty some of the other tombs are with overgrowth. You could have said something about dragonlilies only growing on well-kempt ones or whatever Roaan looked to the smaller cairn beside his wife’s, not sure whether to curse it or weep for it. His throat was hoarse. What? Because of all the screaming he just did? Why does his hoarse throat matter? You could easily have appended that to the next line in a more fitting manner. Also, I don’t give a poo poo about generic-brooding-fantasy-guy or his wife at this point. Am I supposed to feel sympathetic in this opening paragraph? It just feels like I’m reading about a mopey teenager, which is not the foot you want to start on.

“drat the gods, gently caress you all, may the Monkey’s arms rot and slough off. Drag this wretched existence into the void.” Mixing “ye olde time” language with “gently caress you all” doesn’t mesh well for me. Maybe that’s a personal thing though.

Exhausted, Roaan fell to his knees. He had no tears left. This is really melodramatic. Reword it significantly.
“I’ve been robbed, I do not deserve this fate.”
After lying in the wet grass, he picked himself up, went home, lit a fire in the hearth, and made a nest of hay instead of sleeping in his bed.

That night Roaan dreamt he was underground. He tried to scream but choked on soil, he clawed at the dirt above. Climbing through the moist earth, his heart hammering still when he touched cold stone. He heaved as best he could, forcing himself through the stone barrow ceiling. This confused me for a second because it’s actually the floor of the barrow. Maybe “the barrow’s stone floor”? Black feathers were everywhere, wings and claws beat and scratched at his face. Beaks pecked at his flesh rending it from his body. I tried to break this paragraph up some, but I’m still not satisfied with the result. It seems like you’re trying to rush through the action, end up making run-on sentences, and undermine any tension

“Mercy!” he screamed.

The flock of dark birds which Roaan recognised as ravens relented and flew into the sky taking the form of one gigantic raven. It flapped its wings slowly, as though flying, but did not move. The behemoth’s head looked down upon him.

“You know who I am?” it asked.

Roaan nodded before speaking. “Ma’indo” he said.

“And who are you, that questions the will of the Gods?”

“What kind of gods are you that would allow such a thing to happen? I want Meriva, I want her back in my bed. You have no right!”

Ma’indo’s beak opened wide spewing Awkward tense change. “And spewed” instead. an unkindness I guess this is technically what a group of ravens is called, but not knowing that, it comes off as a weak descriptor. I’m probably just nit-picking. of ravens at Roaan. His voice boomed.Like the first paragraph, this would be better appended to the next line of dialogue

“You want her back?” he said asked. “I will give you one chance you ignorant mortal.”

“Yes, anything” Roaan pleaded.

“There’s a man, Alon, he is protected by the god of the ocean, residing too deep in the abyssal plains of the Cold Sea where I cannot retrieve souls. He has lived too long under that protection. It is past due he entered the void.”

“How do I reach him? I cannot swim or breath in water.”

“A man cannot reach the abyssal plains. A man can reach the Monkey. Go to where the dead in your village lay, then beneath the great harrownut tree,unnecessary comma where the earth is thinner. It’s You confuse its for it’s a throughout the rest of the story roots reach the space between this earth and the Monkey. You must have the Monkey drop the sixth corner of the earth, he shall spill the Cold Sea into the Void and I will be able to fly into the empty depths and retrieve Alon’s soul. Do that, and you shall have your Meriva back in your bed as you ask.”

Without another word, Ma’indo flew into the burnt yellow sky of Roaan’s dream.

***

The harrownut tree grew amongst the barrows on the edge of the village. Towering over everything in the village, the leaves were a sickly shade of blue-green. Roaan guessed it would take 50 men, arms outstretched, to encircle the trunk. He wandered around the tree before realising that it probably didn’t matter where he dug, since the only way to go was down.

The shovel pierced the earth with ease in the wet soil. Roaan dug for hours before the townsfolks started to notice. Rumours start to spread. Another tense change. Be very careful with that. It’s not technically wrong, but there isn’t any reason for it. It just makes the reader stop for a second to see if they read it correctly.

“He’s gone mad” said one woman.

“He’s desecrating the barrows because his wife’s dead. His desires have become darker.” said a tavern worker.
On the second day the village guards were sent to investigate.

“Halt, what are you doing?”

Roaan did not halt, but he did answer the captain’s question.
“Diggin’”
The captain’s brow furrowed, his hand moved cautiously to the hilt of his mace.


“You would profane someone’s grave. Why? To defile their corpse?”

“There are no dead buried beneath the trunk of the tree captain” sighed Roaan as though put out by all the questions. “It is a personal matter between me and the Gods.”

The captain’s scowl faded into a piteous look.

“So it’s true, you have gone mad. Let’s go men. He will eventually tire himself with grief.”

Weeks passed, and as the hole got deeper, Roaan’s hands blistered. He would barely sleep or eat, he would take a bucket down the hole, in the morning it was filled with food, of a night it would be filled with poo poo. Finally, one early afternoon, Roaan dug into a massive tangle of tree roots, there was no more soil, just the gnarled stems winding and entwining each other. Settling on a heavy axe to swing through the roots and an old rusty mattock to pry at them, Roaan kept digging. As he slashed through roots he found himself getting colder until he swung the axe and a bundle of roots gave way beneath his legs. Roaan fell.

***

Roaan squinted, trying to get his eyes to focus. Hanging by his tangled foot, he’d lost his axe to the Void, but managed to save his mattock, strapped to his back. Looking below, the great Monkey walked through the Void beneath him. Stepping on nothing, its footfalls were slow, sure, and steady. Roaan looked up, the tree roots spread out across the horizon, woven together, holding the soil and water of the earth in place. A cosmological wicker bowl. Many more roots hung down. It would be easy to climb to the Monkey. Roaan untangled his foot descended the root ladder.

Roaan had scrambled all the way down to the Monkeys back and trudging through its fur, making his way towards the arm holding the sixth corner of the earth. Fighting his way through the forest of fur, he noticed the first arm he passed was unusually tense. Looking to the ceiling he saw that the Monkey’s hands were holding one corner of the earth by two fingertips, occasionally switching one finger for another, all of them burnt and blackened. Roaan decided that corner harboured the volcanoes of the north. The next arm was covered in goosebumps Two words, shivering, he looked to the roots and saw this arm was frozen to the corner by a great sheet of ice.

Three arms later he had found what he wanted, a cold trickle of water running down the Monkey’s arm. Climbing down between the monkey’s wet fur, towards its armpit, he wasn’t sure what he was going to do yet. In his mind he thought he might be able to tickle the monkey, but that could lead to disaster on the surface if he were to spill any other corner of earth.

Hanging by the hairs, Roaan sureveyed surveyed the Monkey’s armpit, not sure what to do next. He spotted what he needed, a large boil, festering and swollen with pus.
“As good a way as any to make a monkey flinch.” he thought. I don’t think you need quotes here. It automatically makes me think he’s talking aloud.

Roaan hurled the Mattock. It spiralled spiraled through the air and lodged into the boil.
Despondent, Roann screamed at the pustule.

“gently caress you! Burst!” tears ran down his face. Woah woah. This is really awkward. He just threw the mattock at the boil and he’s already literally crying about it not working? You needed to at least mention that it appeared Roann’s actions were ineffective. Still, that’s not actually why he would cry. It’s because he’s trying to save his wife. If you don’t set up all of that properly, he just looks like a whiny baby.

PAF

The Monkeys tail swung into its armpit, bursting the boil, blood and bile gushed out and the mattock fell to join Roaan’s axe in the Void.
After the tail’s impact, Roaan was stunned to find himself swinging through the Void, grasping to the Monkey’s tail.
The tail slowed Roaan, stared into the gargantuan eye on the Monkey’s stomach. It stared back at him, then glanced to the east, its arm had lowered, water and icebergs spilled into the Void. Roaan had done it.

The Monkey’s eye grew red and shuddered, a horrendous rumble emanated from its stomach, it placed Roaan into his mouth with its tail, turned its head to the root ceiling and spat.

For a deity with one eye, the monkey had amazing depth perception. Roaan rocketed straight into his hole, he saw a dim light at the end, brightening. He lost momentum, and at the apex of trajectory, bumped a branch of the Harrownut tree with a soft thud. The He? crashed to the ground below. A single leaf, red as monkey’s blood, fell.

Roaan picked himself up and ran home. He burst through the door covered in dirt and monkey spit. A tuft of chestnut hair poked out from the bed covers.
“Meriva!” he cried pulling back the sheets.
A rotting skull greeted him, maggots fell out of the eye socket. What was left of her skin, barely clung to her boned. A banging at the door announced the village guard. The village guard? Probably a village guard right?
“Open up you sick bastard, we know what you’ve done!” said the muffled yells of the Captain's voice.

In the distance a Raven's cawed sounded like laughter. This is not satisfying. It really feels like the crow is laughing at the reader instead of Roaan.


You have an assignment: to learn how to use goddamn commas. It isn’t obvious at first glance, but the above is rife with little bolded commas and periods. I’m not confident that I properly fixed everything, but it’s better. One thing I didn’t bother messing with is your quotation grammar, but again, that’s mostly the parts dealing with commas. Not only that, but there are egregious spelling errors in there. You submitted this story early and it’s really rude to not so much as give your own words a proper edit for readability. Fix this, or nobody will want to do nice things for you.

The story itself isn't terrible, just lukewarm. What makes it most unsatisfying is that there’s no reason for Ma’indo to be such a dick. Yeah, gods have fun loving around with mortals and all of that, but at no point am I lead to believe that this big crow has any reason to screw over a guy doing him a huge favor. You’re going for a “be careful what you wish for” sort of ending, but what I’m getting out of it is “if your wife dies, don’t be such a pansy about it.”

Half of your descriptions are almost good. I felt like I knew what you were going for but then your pacing or sentence structure undermined everything.

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Fumblemouse posted:

Out of Reach by Ironic Twist. I cede the throne to you.



you did good, kid

you did good

now prompt us the hell up

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

feel like i've slipped into bizarro thunderdome where Twist won

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


bye

anime was right fucked around with this message at Oct 27, 2015 around 05:50

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER



PROMPT WILL BE HERE IN 1 HOUR IN THE MEANTIME HAVE THIS:

Bompacho
Nov 28, 2005


Pete Zah posted:

You have an assignment: to learn how to use goddamn commas. It isn’t obvious at first glance, but the above is rife with little bolded commas and periods. I’m not confident that I properly fixed everything, but it’s better. One thing I didn’t bother messing with is your quotation grammar, but again, that’s mostly the parts dealing with commas. Not only that, but there are egregious spelling errors in there. You submitted this story early and it’s really rude to not so much as give your own words a proper edit for readability. Fix this, or nobody will want to do nice things for you.

The story itself isn't terrible, just lukewarm. What makes it most unsatisfying is that there’s no reason for Ma’indo to be such a dick. Yeah, gods have fun loving around with mortals and all of that, but at no point am I lead to believe that this big crow has any reason to screw over a guy doing him a huge favor. You’re going for a “be careful what you wish for” sort of ending, but what I’m getting out of it is “if your wife dies, don’t be such a pansy about it.”

Half of your descriptions are almost good. I felt like I knew what you were going for but then your pacing or sentence structure undermined everything.

Thanks man, I wrote the story too long then rushed my editing and chopped a lot to get it up on time. Next one will be better I promise.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Screaming Idiot posted:

I wrote something, I swear! I really did! HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE OTHERWISE?

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER



THUNDERDOME CXXXIV: Run Domer Run



Oooooooooohhh boy.

This has been a long time coming. There’s a new personal trainer on the Thunderthrone, and he’s gonna make all of you sweat blood, you doughy, anemic, noodle-armed, knock-kneed fuckdicks.

Your wordcount this week is 1200 words. For the first and last 100 words of your story, your protagonist must be in motion.

What I mean by “in motion”: running, biking, walking, swimming, falling, flying, you get the picture. Physically moving their bodies.

What I don’t mean by “in motion”: sitting in a seat on a moving car or train or plane or dragon, moving in a dream or hallucination.

Do whatever you want with the (1000 or less) words in the middle as long as the end result is a god damned story.

Also, I’m giving a theme to this prompt in order to salvage any feeble hope of you making GBS threads out good stories this week. The theme is: Justice/Revenge.

No fanfiction, nonfiction, or erotica. Have fun, you pukes.

Sign-up deadline: 11:59 EST, Friday, February 27

Submission Deadline: 11:59 EST, Sunday, March 1

Running This Joint:
Ironic Twist
LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE
Jitzu_the_Monk

Running Out Of Time:
Capntastic
sebmojo
newtestleper
Grizzled Patriarch
Broenheim
Auraboks
Wangless Wonder
Bompacho
PHIZ KALIFA
Benny Profane
Fuschia tude
leekster
contagionist
hotsoupdinner
Djeser
Hugoon Chavez
ZeBourgeoisie
Entenzahn
A Classy Ghost
Screaming Idiot
Savagely_Random
God Over Djinn
crabrock
kurona_bright
Fumblemouse
Tyrannosaurus

Ironic Twist fucked around with this message at Mar 1, 2015 around 21:07

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

in

also, anyone who I've promised a crit to in the past and haven't provided one, link me your story and i'll do it. here's a to do it by end of submissions.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


In

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




In.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


in

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ADBOT LOVES YOU

Auraboks
Mar 24, 2013

...huh?


In.

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