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  • Locked thread
flerp
Feb 25, 2014


Bad Seafood's Homework: A mad cult's summoning ritual proves to be a dud when one of their ancient artifacts turns out to be a fake nicked from a discount antique store. 600 words.

600 words

The Summoning of the Great God Derek

archives just in case

flerp fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2016 around 02:14

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Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Dear esteemed judges. When you judge my story, please be sure to never say anything negative about my story. Don't even bother with criticisms, the story itself is perfect; ready for publications. I'm just going through the motions of humoring you. Thanks. Crit away.

skwidmonster
Mar 31, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER


docbeard posted:

No, this is not the results post. Nor is it anything to do with Cache Cab.

This is a friendly public service note to inform you failures that, if you post your story today (for reference, there are 5 hours left in today) you will get a DQ, but you will also get a crit, and may yet escape the toxxman's axe.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

High marks for compassion, low marks for survival skills






Best be turning those starry eyes into some words, son and/or daughter.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

High marks for compassion, low marks for survival skills





THUNDERDOME XCXLIX RESULTS

For the record, I believe all three of us judged anonymously this week. #thundergate #ethicsincreativeconvention #fuckyou

It was a surprisingly non-poo poo week at the movies. A 36% failure/DQ rate is nothing to smile about, but many of your actual stories made me smile.

Many of them.

IT WAS A HOT DAY IN JUNE by S7ndicate3 is our loser this week. A meandering mess of a plot, incoherent characters doing incoherent things, and a dead zero on the give-a-drat-o-meter sealed this story's fate.

DMs go to The Early Days Of A Wetter Nation by Thranguy, for squandering a genuinely interesting premise on way too much worldbuilding and way too little anything-actually-happening, and Goodbye Nuclear Holocaust by Lazy Beggar for not giving any of your characters recognizable motivations (which, when one of them wants to destroy humanity, is kind of important).

But there were some bright stars among us too.

HMs go to Born 2 Serve: Lob Harder by Mercedes, Kevin Costner on the Tarmac by Grizzled Patriarch, and On The Low End Of The Dial by Ironic Twist.

But there was one that charmed us all, that, while not perfect, managed to transcend its flaws to take the crown.

THE COVETED 149TH WEEKLY THUNDERDOME PRIZE FOR EXCELLENCE ADEQUACY IN FLASH-FICTIONING GOES TO....

....

....

....

Honour Among Thieves by theblunderbuss!

Critiques are coming soon. The stage is yours, theblunderbuss.

skwidmonster
Mar 31, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER


Far West On The High Seas
WC: 1272

The General stood, looking gallant on the bow with her curly hair blowing wildly around her face, while her partner puked over the rails.

"Alright there, Corky?"

Corky gave a final retch, hawked, and spat into the stone-blue water.

"Goddamn boats," he glowered, "God drat the day you dragged me onto this Goddamn boat." He pulled a tin of chew from his back pocket and replaced the wad he'd lost along with his breakfast. If dry biscuits and rot-gut rum constituted a breakfast.

"Just think of the money, honey." The General gave the ship in the distance ahead a grim smile. She was in a high mood. Her quarry was in sight, wind filled the bellies of the sails, and her gun felt warm and eager under her hand resting on the holstered stock.

They'd found the boat in San Fransisco, a sleek-looking schooner with four masts and a small crew of inky stevedores. Corky's big mouth came just a hair away from wrecking the deal ("Nice to meet you, Bluebeard! And Christ on the Cross, if this ain't your scurvy crew," he'd said to the captain, and The General cracked him one on the jaw and sent him to the far corner of the bar), but somehow she'd finessed it. An extra five percent of the bounty certainly hadn't hurt.

One of the crew, shirtless and with a whole hellscape tattooed from wrists to waist, boomed from the ratlines something in their weird half-language. A moment later, the captain, a man called Spartak, joined them.

"They've changed flags." His voice was gentle, conversational, terrifying when considering his tanned and calloused visage. "They've surrendered."

"No poo poo!" Corky clapped and laughed a long, braying laugh. "Somebody do a rain dance? 'Cause I think seven hundred thousand little bills just rained from the drat sky!"

The General ignored him, addressing Captain Spartak and keeping her eyes locked on the ship before her. "Any other signal?"

"No signal, but they're letting a dinghy out behind them on a line." He offered her his spyglass, and she took it. Through its warped lens, she could make out the image of the dinghy and a struggling figure inside. She passed it back.

"Shelby Kurtz, you are mine," she whispered, and gooseflesh spread from the nape of her neck down her back.

***

They hauled Kurtz up from the little boat by a line on the yardarm. He wriggled silently all the way up like a caterpillar on spider's silk. They plopped him unceremoniously on the deck, and Corky darted forward to slip the burlap sack from his head.

"It's him, alright," he called to The General, a hungry look in his eyes. The General stepped deliberately across the deck, boots clacking, her dead husband's epaulets gleaming dully in the cloud-covered sun. Corky backed away, smirking, to his place behind her right shoulder like a faithful hound.

"What'd you do, Shelby? Murder the captain's kid? Run away with his wife? Why'd they give you up so easy?"

Shelby Kurtz leaned up into a sitting position, his legs bound and his hands tied behind his back. "Well, I wish I could tell you they caught sight of the illustrious and fearsome General and shat their pants, but I think we'd both know I's being facetious," he chuckled. Corky growled and spat a long brown stream at the fugitive's bare foot. The General waved him off, but couldn't help but smile at the boy's disgust.

"Well, Shelby, I think you know I've got to take you back to Montana for that bounty. The governor's been clamoring for your head since you absconded with his blushing bride, and you know I'm not one to turn down a wagonload of cash. Let's get you down in the hold."

Corky gestured to one of the crewmen, and the two of them yanked him up by his shoulders and carried him toward the hatch. The General watched them take her nephew away, smiling a little but with hard eyes.

***

"Ah, Jesus."

The flickering light of the candle confused her eyes, and now The General's knee throbbed from the sharp edge of the crate. The constant roiling of the ship on the waves certainly hadn't helped.

The hold was dead ahead, and she heard a stirring behind the hatch. Shelby was awake, then. She had hoped to have her gun trained on him as he woke. Oh, well. Dramatic effect be damned.

She unholstered her gun and tripped the latch with the barrel, raising the candle a little so she could see into the hold. Shelby's eyes flickered back at her in the unsteady light.

"Hey, Aunt Jo."

"Hey there, Turtleshell," she replied, using the nickname her husband had used for him when he was young. He didn't smile. Neither did she.

"I guess I should ask how you found me."

She barked a short laugh and shook her head. "First off, hon, you're eighteen and not great at covering your tracks. But mostly it was Corky." She lit the dusty guard's lantern and snuffed her own candle. "He's a bloodhound when it comes to tracking. Well, he's a dog in a lot of ways." She found a place to sit and locked her olive eyes on his periwinkle ones. The boy was handsome, despite the pubescent whiskers sprouting from his lip and chin. "Can you tell me why you did it?"

It was his turn to laugh. "Why the hell not? Delilah was a roamer, she didn't never care for that fat ugly hog of a husband-"

"Not the governor's wife, twiddledick," she spat, "I mean your Uncle Morris."

Shelby dropped his mouth open, then huffed and stood, facing away from her.

"I know it was you, Shelby," she intoned. "Pete Soothwater said he chased you for days. If you hadn't caught him in the leg with that lucky shot, he would have caught you."

Shelby shook his head, but didn't say anything.

"Don't tell me you don't even have a lie ready? You just though you'd slit his throat, your own flesh and blood, while he slept, and I wouldn't come for you?"

Apparently, he did think so. He didn't say a word.

The General stood.

"If that mayor didn't want to hang you himself, I'd string you from the yardarm and watch 'til your feet stopped twitching." She was calm when she said it, but she let the hatch slam behind her.

***

"Gen'ral. Gen'ral, wake up."

The General grimaced, waking more from Corky's breath in her nose than the shaking.

"What, Corky? drat you..." She looked out the porthole. It wasn't even light.

"The boy. He's dead."

It was like someone had stuck a cattle prod in her ribs. She clawed at Corky's collar and pulled him close. "Dead how?"

He wrung his hands as he spoke. "Well, I-- I guess he shot himself."

"Shot himself how? Didn't you frisk him, you blithering idiot?"

Corky looked at his shoes, his skinny frame looking childish with his shoulders folded inward.

"'Course I frisked him, Gen'ral," he said, "but-- well, he shot himself with your gun." With that Corky stepped back twice.

The General shook her head. She had stormed out of the hold, thrown off her gunbelt, and gone straight to bed.

And she had left the gun in the hold with her nephew.

The General, once Auntie Jo to a boy who spent summers in her home and to whom she had fed chocolates and who now sat lifeless in a ship's hold, sighed, and kicked the oak wall.

"Guess the mayor won't get to hang the boy after all."

JcDent
May 13, 2013

Give me a rifle, one round, and point me at Berlin!


I suck and I blow and I didn't do a story. Apparently, writing blockbusters is harder than Transformers lead me to believe; it's more than writings ROBOTS and flailing at the keyboard.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


This prompt is not

theblunderbuss
Jul 4, 2010

I find dead men rout
more easily.


Thunderdome CL: Everything Old is New Again

Does anyone like video games? I do. I've been catching up on Sony's E3 presentation this morning (that's a big yearly expo, for those of you who don't) and their big announcements this year seem to be a game they started working on a decade ago, a sequel to one from 2001, and a remake of one from 1997. And, gently caress it, I'm kinda hyped.

So.

I want stories about the return of something significant from the past. A possession, or a person, or, I dunno, disco, or whatever. I don't really give a poo poo. But whatever it is, it has to matter. Make me care.

Usual restrictions: no fanfiction, no erotica, etc etc etc you all know the drill by now

Word count: 1,200 words
Sign-up deadline: 9am Saturday, British Summer Time (that's GMT +1).
Submission deadline: 9am Monday.

Judges:
this guy right here
Sitting Here
Meeple

Participants:
kurona_bright
Megazver (Your returning Thing was last seen one hundred years ago, to the day.)
SadisTech
Lazy Beggar (Something turns up in an unexpected place.)
Masonity (Your father's dying words have never seemed so relevant.)
s7indicate3
Thranguy
Grizzled Patriarch
Screaming Idiot (A chance encounter sets everything in motion.)
Ironic Twist
Pham Nuwen
Broenheim
Doctor Idle (She knows what you did last summer.)
JcDent
spectres of autism
A Classy Ghost (Someone is on a journey. They never reach their destination.)
thehomemaster (It's back... but it's changed. For the worse.)
Bad Seafood
Phobia
Jonked
Benny Profane (A plant plays a significant role in your story.)
newtestleper
Entenzahn
dmboogie
Killer-of-Lawyers

theblunderbuss fucked around with this message at Jun 20, 2015 around 09:18

kurona_bright
Mar 21, 2013


In for this week!

Megazver
Jan 13, 2006


In. Flash me.

StealthArcher
Jan 10, 2010

This post is a problem I can't live with. And I'm fucking dead.
- Norman "Sweetheart" Rockwel


Nap Ghost


I'm up to judge with voice reviews for the winner and loser if you'll have me. I don't know if asking is taboo or wtf.

SadisTech
Jun 26, 2013

Clem.


i
n

theblunderbuss
Jul 4, 2010

I find dead men rout
more easily.


StealthArcher posted:

I'm up to judge with voice reviews for the winner and loser if you'll have me. I don't know if asking is taboo or wtf.

Already accepted two other offers, I'm afraid. Of course this is not to say you shouldn't do voice reviews anyway.

Megazver posted:

In. Flash me.

Your returning Thing was last seen one hundred years ago, to the day.

SkaAndScreenplays
Dec 11, 2013


IN

Also First Batch Of Crits
Screaming Idiot
Hank Armstrong: Metalsaur Slayer
"...the entire horse, Armstrong! The entire goddamn horse! You're off the force! Gimme your badge and gun!"
This sentence doesn't sit well with me. I think it's the combination of rhyme and repetition. The opening as as whole
feels weak and doesn't inspire me to keep reading.
Your antagonists aren't very believable but don't make up for it in any meaningful way. Trying to imagine a guy
that can be described as having jowls, an Irish brogue, speaking in poorly written "ebonics" makes my brain hurt.
The casual badass thing doesn't get enough of an introduction. How did Hank go from a cop who desecrates horses to a
monster slayer? I usually don't require too much exposition to understand motivations but this just feels forced. There's
a lot of description here that doesn't fit what I'm reading. The way certain things are described just sits weird in my
mind's ear.
far-off beast let loose another ear-busting jet engine roar.
It's far off, so the 'jet engine' part is fine but as a human being I understand how sound and distance work together.
And find the 'ear busting' part breaks what little immersion I have at this point.
"The time for beer is over," he said to nobody in particular. "The time for vengeance is now."
What vengeance? We've only just met this creature...what is he avenging? How has he been slighted by this creature?
The POV shifts are wholly unnecessary. I count about 5 changes in perspective in 1500 words none of which advance the plot
I get what you were going for but I feel like you killed yourself by making it too absurd. There's a difference between
"Campy Netflix B-Movie" and "poo poo Redbox Buys"


Stealth Archer
Potential
I like the opening dialogue even though it doesn't give me a whole lot of information. The paragraph afterwards though
is meandering. I get what you're saying about 'nepotism' and 'potential' but the phrasing is weird and puts me of track.
Same with the 'I, to this day...' The structure is loose. 'To this day...' might have been a better choice.
When we get to the action the dialogue just flops though. Scripts Are A Great Way To Learn Good Dialogue Techniques

"Not actually doing it old man, simply showing the capability. Regardless, I'm sensing some hostility to this idea. Security, remove the general if you would."
After this line things fall flat. Your protagonist is trying to avert a nuclear holocaust from what I'm gathering, yet he's
describing it as though it was a particularily eventful trip to starbucks.[/i]
The dialogue between your hero/antagonist is the weakest part when it should be the strongest. Also your antagonist agrees
to nuke the planet because they just gave him promotions?
It's not riddled with terrible mistakes but it's bland. It could have been pretty good if it weren't for the issues with dialogue
and voice. The idea of a nepotism hire getting pushed up through the ranks because he's malleable is a cool angle but it
didn't come strong out of the gate and ran out of steam due to a lack of believable motivations.

Rap Three Times
Baptism of Blood
The intro doesn't fit well.
Is Tara the city? A misspelling of "Terra" or something else? I'm not sure yet and it bothers me.
The violence comes out of nowhere, the prose is pretty solid but I've got no context for the violence. "I came in peace"
but I'm not cool with waiting so I'm just going to murder you all? There's a difference between a short fuse and psychopathy.
Naming the sword is fine, but it's repeated far too often.
All in all the words are pretty strong, but the characters themselves are weak.
Same beef with the intrusive narrator at the end as the beginning.
Personally I don't think it fits the prompt very well.

Theblunderbuss
Two Short Fights And Some Filler
I instantly like this, in the first 3 paragraphs I'm locked into the character. Your protagonist is established right away
and I know that he's been abandoned by an ex-something (girlfriend/wife/employee). Everything about your word choice tells
me something else.
"We could never afford hirelings" - They struggled financially
"Must have scored on that last job Than I thought." <-So much info from such few words.
"Scallops," I say through clenched teeth, offering her the tray. "Madam?"

Nailed it

Indeed You Did Sir. So much fun.

The ending is vague in a good way. All in all I liked it, though the scene on the iceberg is a little too implausible.

That's all I've got steam for tonight, 2nd batch coming tomorrow morning. Going to try and touch on all of them.

If Critiquing In Google Docs Is Your Thing There's the link. Thanks everyone for doing better than my poo poo-story for Villain week.

EDIT: It might be better to crit in thread though because my google doc reverted to an older version I think. The in thread one is properly formatted with italicization and such where it should be.

SkaAndScreenplays fucked around with this message at Jun 16, 2015 around 10:21

Lazy Beggar
Dec 9, 2011


In. And can I get flash rule please.

Also, I want to try and do some crits so I'll do them for the first two who ask this week.

Edit:

A crit for Masonity.
Anyone else?

Lazy Beggar fucked around with this message at Jun 17, 2015 around 16:12

Masonity
Dec 31, 2007

What, I wonder, does this hidden face of madness reveal of the makers? These K'Chain Che'Malle?


In. I'll take a flash rule again. It actually helped me come up with my concept last time.

Masonity
Dec 31, 2007

What, I wonder, does this hidden face of madness reveal of the makers? These K'Chain Che'Malle?


Lazy Beggar posted:

In. And can I get flash rule please.

Also, I want to try and do some crits so I'll do them for the first two who ask this week.

Yeah ill take one please. I'm happy to crit a couple of people who miss beggar's offer but ask me first.

s7indicate3
Aug 22, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER

It can only go up from here. In

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

In

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




In.

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

The turtle moves.


Fun Shoe

In, with a flash rule if you don't mind.

Schneider Heim
Oct 17, 2012


Doing two line crits for summer blockbuster week. Any takers?

SlipUp
Sep 30, 2006

THUNDERDOME LOSER


I would love a crit.

SkaAndScreenplays
Dec 11, 2013


Schneider Heim posted:

Doing two line crits for summer blockbuster week. Any takers?

I'd like one if you're up to it.

Rap Three Times
Aug 2, 2013

Thrice, not twice, nay not four times either.

Grimey Drawer

SkaAndScreenplays posted:

IN

Also First Batch Of Crits

Rap Three Times
Baptism of Blood
The intro doesn't fit well.
Is Tara the city? A misspelling of "Terra" or something else? I'm not sure yet and it bothers me.
The violence comes out of nowhere, the prose is pretty solid but I've got no context for the violence. "I came in peace"
but I'm not cool with waiting so I'm just going to murder you all? There's a difference between a short fuse and psychopathy.
Naming the sword is fine, but it's repeated far too often.
All in all the words are pretty strong, but the characters themselves are weak.
Same beef with the intrusive narrator at the end as the beginning.
Personally I don't think it fits the prompt very well.


Hey, thanks for the crit. Yeah, Tara is a place. The idea was to take historical details and mash them into a fictional remake. I tried to turn the idea of Saint Patrick upside down with the story, make him dislikeable. Also using names as things of power is something from old legends.

I appreciate the crit, it's good to see where and how I missed the target

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER



~~~~in~~~~

Pham Nuwen
Oct 30, 2010



In

I haven't had enough self-loathing lately so let's get it on.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


in

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

The turtle moves.


Fun Shoe

Before I forget, I owe thanks to SkaAndScreenplays for the crit. Sorry my writing wasn't that good; I tried way too hard to make it over-the-top and not hard enough to make it a story.

I stand by the scene where Hank leaps off the roof to grab his beer and causes a car to explode, though.

Doctor Idle
Mar 7, 2008

Hey, if some hillbilly comes up to me, I'm gonna lash him in the face, that's all.

[Best GM 2013-2015]


In with a toxx, flash me please.

JcDent
May 13, 2013

Give me a rifle, one round, and point me at Berlin!


In, in, in!

HopperUK
Apr 29, 2007

Clear off, fatso, this is a respectable establishment





Lipstick Apathy

Judgeburps volume 1: gently caress all of you

I judged without author names and I'm not about to go and look them up now. I hope you remember what your story was called.

Hank Armstrong: Metalsaur Slayer
I thought this was both funny and entertaining. There were a couple of places where the humour was a bit try-hard but overall I enjoyed myself and chuckled a few times reading it, and that's more than can be said for most people who try to be amusing in Thunderdome. There was action and the action was clearly described and amusing. Nice job.

Potential
There were a lot of really irksome little grammatical issues that got on my nerves here. Learn to punctuate. It was bad enough on occasion that I couldn't tell what the hell you meant to convey. I got no real sense of either the protagonist or the baddie. The Metalsaur in the story before you was a more convincing human being than either of your characters. A poor effort.

Baptism of Blood
Okay full disclosure, I was raised Irish Catholic and apparently St Patrick meant more to me than I realised, because your story pissed me off. There's a reason 'it was a dark and stormy night' is considered a stupid cliche, and you weren't the only offender this week but I'm picking on you right now so tough. Why the hell did your version of Patrick go nuts and start murdering people? Because they asked him to wait till morning? Was it supposed to be funny? You wrote a story about a contextless fight scene where a man murders a bunch of people for no apparent reason. Nice job, I guess? Also the Catholic Church doesn't censor saints' stories because they're not 'family friendly'. Saint Cecilia took three days to bleed to death after the headsman at her execution was a useless idiot. I'm cross with your story. If you're going to gently caress with mythology, make it interesting. This could have been a story about Thor. Or even Cuchulain.

Honour Among Thieves, or Two Short Fights and Some Filler
Great stuff! Likeable and distinct characters, fun action. A historical setting nicely realised without taking over the piece. Fantastic job.

spectres of autism
Feb 12, 2011

~it's like people say we're all gonna die
but me it's different i'm not trying to be alive~




in

A Classy Ghost
Jul 21, 2003

this wine has a fantastic booquet


gently caress it I've skipped enough weeks, I'll be in for this one.

Also flash me because why noooooooooooooot

thehomemaster
Jul 16, 2014

by Ralp


In, please flash me with your best.

HopperUK
Apr 29, 2007

Clear off, fatso, this is a respectable establishment





Lipstick Apathy

Judgeburps pt 2

The Early Days of a Wetter Nation
Have you ever seen an action movie? Any action movie? You know how there's action, and not like an hour of meandering setup first? Think that over. Seriously, this wasn't particularly poorly written or anything, but it earned judge ire for just being a limp pile of Wikipedia-esque information instead of a slam-bang action piece. Have things happen, gosh. You did a bunch of setup and politics explanation and then when there could have been action, skipped over it.

U.S.G.P.
I was crazy enthusiastic about this because ghost pirates happen to be one of my favourite things, and then right at the awesome action climax, the ghost pirate was like 'eh no, you're right, let's go home' and the story went away.




Double Oh Heaven
Ten points for premise, no points for execution. Weird tense issues. And a horrific ending to what had felt like a light-hearted piece. Settle on a tone, have a character with a clearly-defined arc, do not tell cool action scenes in barely-relevant flashback at the start.

Born 2 Serve: Lob Harder
loving yes! Alien death tennis. This was great. Not heavy on characterisation, just enough to let me know I care who wins, and then a slam-bang action sequence leading to a defined result. Nice job.

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR
This was nearly great but it didn't quite work for me. I like the premise. I'm not sure I completely understand the supremely annoying 'bwaaaar' thing. Mostly I'm annoyed that you left off the resolution. What the hell happens? Do they succeed in destroying the mothership? I'm mad that I care.

It Was a Hot Day in June
Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. Characters are boring shitheads. Historical context unclear. Are they time travellers or something? I think maybe your editing process took out some of what would have made this story make sense. As it is it's like, people I don't care about do confusing things for no adequately explained reason and then a WW2 reference. I like the idea of two guys assassinating the President's psychic but honestly, I couldn't find my way through the actual plot here. Your prose isn't horrible though, you have a nice eye for a vivid detail. Keep it up.

Kevin Costner on the Titanic
This came very, very close to winning. The only reason it didn't is that we're not sure it was actually an action story. I mean, there is action, it's just a bit sidelined by all the (wonderful) character stuff. A lovely story, just not a winner this week. Well done.

Megazver
Jan 13, 2006


HopperUK posted:

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR
This was nearly great but it didn't quite work for me. I like the premise. I'm not sure I completely understand the supremely annoying 'bwaaaar' thing. Mostly I'm annoyed that you left off the resolution. What the hell happens? Do they succeed in destroying the mothership? I'm mad that I care.

Bwaaaar is the Inception Horn. It's everywhere now.

I'll be honest, I wrote it really late Sunday night and just couldn't come up with a satisfying ending in time. It's much easier to get someone up a tree, than figure out a clever way to then get him down. So yeah, the fate of mankind hangs on whether he can get a signal on the phone in the next few hours, so he waits.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Megazver posted:

Bwaaaar is the Inception Horn. It's everywhere now.

I'll be honest, I wrote it really late Sunday night and just couldn't come up with a satisfying ending in time. It's much easier to get someone up a tree, than figure out a clever way to then get him down. So yeah, the fate of mankind hangs on whether he can get a signal on the phone in the next few hours, so he waits.

shut the gently caress up

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HopperUK
Apr 29, 2007

Clear off, fatso, this is a respectable establishment





Lipstick Apathy

Judgeburps, pt 3
The Low End of the Dial
This is great! I'm a sucker for a superhero story even if it is a more low-key one. Several characters who all felt different and a nifty premise that I enjoyed a lot. Leaning a bit too heavily on dialogue, maybe; I would have liked a bit more action and a bit less talking. But no real complaints. This was very well liked.

The Last Hunt
This had a bunch of technical issues. Please figure out how to punctuate around names. Your dialogue is way too on-the-nose. Once you got to the action though, I enjoyed it. The murderbear was appropriately horrifying and the fight was tense and fun to read. Also:

quote:

Fog spilled from the skeletal forest of Lodgepole Pine as if it had been eviscerated.
I like.

Goodbye, Nuclear Holocaust
I don't think 'bald yak' is a very good endearment. This story is nearly something worthwhile. I can see the ghost of a cool espionage thriller in here, but like - why does Eleanor want to destroy humanity? Does she, or did I miss something? What's happening in this story? Either I am having a confused week or there are some goddamn baffling stories going on. Prose is not bad.

Iron Pony
Okay I want to love this because it's a kickass cyberpunk motorcycle chase. It also has a downbeat ending which I actually like because it feels like it fits. I like your protagonist too. It's just not quite enough. A bit more texture, perhaps, or a bit more detail as to what the exact stakes are, some more depth to the world. Still, not bad at all, was never in danger of a DM or anything.

Captain Hank Rockford’s Space Adventures Episode 1 – Rescue of the Damsel Princess
I didn't really like this story. It's a similar sort of action-parody thing to the very first story this week, also about Hank, but it has a sneering, contemptuous tone in a few places that doesn't do it any favours. I think to parody something it's better if you actually like it. Otherwise it has its moments, it just doesn't quite gel together into something whole. I don't like the protagonist and that makes it difficult to care about anything that happens to him.

Stockholm East Africa
This is an interesting one for me. I think you'd have been better off condensing the three pirates into two, and giving each of them a bit more depth and relationship with Simon, but on the whole I thought this was pretty good. I definitely cared about whether or not Simon killed Maako. You have a deft touch with detail and your prose is very decent. Not bad at all.

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