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crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

Sitting Here posted:

Four hours until submissions close

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Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


drat slow judges, i swear

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

The turtle moves.


Fun Shoe

Screaming Idiot posted:

Bompacho
Nov 28, 2005


Bompacho posted:

Screaming Idiot posted:

Screaming Idiot posted:

Screaming Idiot posted:


Edit:

Bompacho posted:

prompt

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


Week 155 Crits

County Fair

The major problem with this story is that this isnít a story. Nothing happens. Itís more of a character study, and itís actually one of the better ones because it is an interesting, conflicted, and human character. Iíd like to read a story about this character, although his flaws are a little too pronounced, but you do well in not being absolutely lovely. This story couldíve easily failed, but you at least had an interesting character so good work there.

Low effort bullshit from an idiot baby-man (ainít that the truth)

Welp, at least you donít have to spend 10 bucks. Iím going to put about as much effort as you put in this story. FJGJ, Rosa Flores, golden bean. This sucked. The end.

Fried

So, this story had an interesting rhythm to it. It was odd in an interesting way, enough to keep me reading. It was a cool idea, but there wasnít enough character in this story for me to say that I enjoyed. Then the ending made no sense because apparently the dream was true??? Idk and frankly, I donít care that much. Barebones character and while this made SOME sense, the plot was just weird and the characters were all boring and had no real personality.

I Am Stretched on Your Worldí Grave

Huh, this wasÖ interesting. Death was characterized in a unique and interesting way that I enjoyed. Death felt human and that was cool. The girl was interesting too, but not really much development there. But, Death did develop and it felt natural. So, after all these centuries 1) Death has never thought about what happens next and 2) Nobody has ever asked him? Even that wasnít too much to detract from it. The big issue was the lack of focus. I had this an HM and I overall enjoyed it, but there were some issues. There were a bunch of cool ideas, but none of them were fully committed to. The first scene felt a little long for what it set up (Death is like a psychologist and the world ended), and because of that, you lacked time to develop the main plot. Speaking of the main plot, I'm not sure what that is. Is it Death working on trying to get everyone to pass on? Is it talking to that girl? Is it Death dying? I'm not sure and because of that, each part is a bit underdeveloped. You just needed to take one part of this story and focus on that.

The Sweat Adds Flavor

Thereís some characterization, but overall this just felt easy and stupid. Old guy is grumpy, young guy gets high all the time and is a gently caress up. But, oh wait, the young guy is actually a hard worker and is trying his best. You even complete it with ďMaybe Billy isnít so bad,Ē somehow without realizing how cliched and stupid that ending is. This just went through all the notes without any nuance or any semblance of interest, but at least you characterized the two decently.

Could This Be Our Last Team-Up? (oh dear I hope not)

Ehhh, this one just didnít really matter to me. Thereís some characterization, some interest, but I just canít seem to muster up my ability to care. I donít really know or feel these characters relationship, so them breaking up doesnít really affect me. Then the resolution is pretty weak and it just feels like a set-up to a larger story. Not awful, just landed cleanly in the middle.

The Scientific Method, or: How Doctor Shlyapkin Kept it Cool

I did not care for this. I was not feeling the romance to be honest. This is also hurt by a lack of focus because I never see this romance really become anything. I just donít really care for the characters, and it feels like a romcom without really any characters that feel nuanced or human. It just feels a little too easy for me. Also you wrote this

quote:

Her fingers are clumsy on the fretboard, timid with the strings like a virgin lover

So, please, go kill yourself right now thank you. Also you changed perspective at the last line.

Fireproof

Thereís actually some cleverness in this story, with the burning and smoke and clever word usage, but a little of it is too much. Still, this was well-written. However, the plot and character is a bit weak. The opening was a pretty good start as I was getting a feel for the characters, but then the plot becomes a revenge story and Iím just mehhhhhh all the way through. I wish you wouldíve done something different with this besides this kind of generic nonsense. A cool idea that just devolves into really nothing interesting.

Sweat Tea in a Tin Can

A subplot in like every single loving cop movie jesus christ. Thereís nothing to set it apart, and I have 0 investment in any of this. This story could work if I liked or even knew who the gently caress these characters are, but I donít. I donít know these cops friendships, or their relationships with their wives, or really anything. So when you say ďhis friend cheated with his wife!!!!Ē Iím left thinking ďwhy the gently caress do I care?Ē Who are these guy? Why do they matter? Why do I care about either the marriage or the friendship? At the moment, I care about neither, and so this story has no impact. Secondly, nothing loving happens. They just talk and talk and is boring as gently caress because there is little characterization and while you try to add some nuance to this, itís too little IMO.

Best Laid Plans



Another cleanly in the middle entry. Thereís not much to say, to be frank. The plotís ok, itís just I donít really care about the characters that much. The relationship between the two friends arenít explored or the daughter. I just donít really have that much of a reason to care. I need that character oomph personally. Not horrible, just nothing more then average.

Sleep in the Dark

I liked George, a lot of subtlety in his actions, some good characterization. Everyone else was kind of just ok, wish I had a bit more understanding of Kate and who she was personally. Not too much, but the relationship didnít feel fleshed out enough for my tastes.I was enjoying it up until the ending where itís just kind of the ending of ďOf Mice and MenĒ but just not really strong enough for me since Kate wasnít really that interesting and the revelation was presented a bit weakly. I was a bit confused on the setting, but a lot of the descriptions are really good. Just kinda wish you did more with the plot while it was still interesting and George felt like a real character so kudos.

I Reckon You Think Youíve Been Saved

this is seriously stupid as gently caress and I donít know what the point of it is. It feels like your doing some heavy handed commentary against evangelists (complete with my favorite STDH.txt cliche where a person questions the lunatic with an extremely basic question and the lunatic strawman has no answer). This was just a poo poo that didnít happen story and I hate those and donít write those and UGHHHH gently caress this story. No characters, boring plot, every about this was either boring, bad, and/or offensive. There is very little redeeming this besides it was a story with things happening.

You Canít Catch Every Portrait in a Picture Frame

Mom becoming a hippie in the middle of the story kind of killed your down-to-earth characters (Stan excluded), but besides that, everyone felt very nicely fleshed out. There was a moment that sticks out to me as a sore thumb

quote:

Like, we have to to prove that this is real so we do a board game night now and a finger painting night and a yoga night and a ďcounseling nightĒ which is some hippie new age crap where me, her, and Stan sit in a circle and close our eyes and express our feelings. And thereís something different every day and it takes up a ton of time and itís driving me crazy and I hate it.


I think it conflicts with the voice of the character a bit because the character felt realistic in her voice but then this reads to me like generic teenager complaining and takes me out a bit. Itís also very long and rambling and I donít like that. Otherwise, all your characters felt distinct and likable and/or interesting that were human and had their own desire and blah blah blah, good work. Itís a very personal story that is very realistic, but it doesnít really have an ending, but itís more of a story about a personís life and I feel like having a ďrealĒ ending like other stories would hurt this story in particular. Still good and I like it. Itís a personal moment of a character that I enjoy. Anyways, your dialogue is super loving good. That first scene is so loving good. The dialogue is realistic, and you have down how people say things in what they donít say and you just nail it perfectly. Also this paragraph in particular is great

quote:

We smile at each and donít say anything else. I know how this goes. Iíll pretend I didnít hear her screaming about getting full custody and sheíll pretend the walls are thicker. My room is haunted with conversations that never existed.

Thereís so much in this small little paragraph for plot, character, voice and it reads great. However, thereís some problems with your dialogue, especially in the third scene. I just didnít like how caricaturized you made Stan and the mom, I wish they were a bit more realistic. Also this-

quote:

ďIím positive,Ē I say, ďthat this is a bunch of bullshit.Ē


felt out of place tonally personally. Something about it rubs me the wrong way, like sheís saying this to the audience. And then you cut at that line when I wouldíve really liked to see how they reacted to this accusation. Overall though, your strengths greatly outweighed your positives and I loved your story.

Sun Mother

I donít know what to say about this. You start off with one character then kill her off for some reason. Then thereís some weird nonsense and husbands being incompetent and that this village is seemingly low tech and donít understand what the point of this story is. Itís not really about the characters, the village is just kind of glossed over, and it just seems like a story about solar panels which isnít very interesting. It was just kinda boring and felt like nothing important happened, mostly because your characters were boring and not that interesting.

Signals of Fear and Uncertainty

At first, I didnít think much of this story. It was well written because of course it is, itís you GP. But the character is just a crazy dude. Heís just crazy and does crazy thing and then he gets more crazy then does crazier things and then the end. However, stylistically, this story is very good. Itís not more personal taste because I like stories with characters and stuff, but your prose is fantastic and this story was good. I just wished it had more substance than style, but thatís just me. Itís very fever dream-esque. Itís off in just about all the right ways. I just wish I knew more about the character and why I should be invested in this guyís descent into madness. Overall, this was good, I just wanted more than ďcrazy guy is crazy and does crazy things.Ē

Also profane said you had a ďtropical cadenceĒ and I have no loving clue what that means and Iím personally excited to see what that means.

flerp fucked around with this message at Jul 29, 2015 around 06:56

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry


that post was ORIGINAL CONTENT please DO NOT STEAL!

skwidmonster
Mar 31, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER


Oh T-Rex is steppin up? I'm in I'm in I'm IN don't even give a gently caress what the prompt is.

Bompacho
Nov 28, 2005




Broenheim. edit: And Jonked

I'm gonna brawl you so hard that your gender bits will appear as though they had an appalling mishap.



Bompacho fucked around with this message at Jul 29, 2015 around 05:23

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


Bompacho posted:



Broenheim.

I'm gonna brawl you so hard that your gender bits will appear as though they had an appalling mishap.



ok

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Broenbombrawl

A murder on a train? What a novel idea! Should be manageable in 1,000 words.

Hmm, say though, I think I've seen a story like this before. A really long one too. Maybe 1,000 words isn't enough. Perhaps I could make things more interesting...if you dare.

Your prompt is as outline above, however...you may quote this paragraph if you'd like extra words. You may request anywhere from 1 to 1,000 to work with. Along with your extra allotment of words, you will be assigned a flashrule equal in severity to how many words you asked for.

Submissions are due August 4th at the stroke of midnight, PST.

Broenheim - 1,250 words total; a murder on a subway train.
Bompacho - 1,400 words total; a murder on the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.

Bad Seafood fucked around with this message at Jul 29, 2015 around 06:30

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


Bad Seafood posted:

Your prompt is as outline above, however...you may quote this paragraph if you'd like extra words. You may request anywhere from 1 to 1,000 to work with. Along with your extra allotment of words, you will be assigned a flashrule equal in severity to how many words you asked for.

250 words please and thank you

Bompacho
Nov 28, 2005


Bad Seafood posted:

Your prompt is as outline above, however...you may quote this paragraph if you'd like extra words. You may request anywhere from 1 to 1,000 to work with. Along with your extra allotment of words, you will be assigned a flashrule equal in severity to how many words you asked for.

I'm feeling suicidal. I'll take 400 please.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Broenheim posted:

250 words please and thank you
A murder on a subway train.

Bompacho posted:

I'm feeling suicidal. I'll take 400 please.
A murder on the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

THUNDERDOME CLVI: LET'S GET hosed UP ON LOVE

So I've been really digging this band called Family and Friends lately and in this one song specifically the singer repeats over and over "let's get hosed up on love" and I think that, as a sentiment, it's just loving cool as poo poo. So I wanna read some stories like that-- stories where people feel deep, wonderful, powerful, passionate emotions-- and I want you to write them.

I do not want lust. If you confuse love and lust you will tell me you that didn't read my prompt and it will piss me off and I will come down on you like a goddamn hurricane. Hell you don't even have to write something romantic. It can be romantic love, sure, but there are ton of other ways of expressing a "stronger form of like" than sexual attraction. poo poo watch this haka a bunch of schoolboys did for a teacher that passed away. Look for the kid with the trembling hands at 2:54. He's feeling something intense. Gimme some intensity.

You don't have to get cute with this prompt. I just want to read some cool stuff with characters that fiercely care about someone or something.

No erotica.
No poetry.
No plotless pieces of poo poo.
1300 words.

Judges
me
...
...

Deadlines
Sign-ups: Friday at midnight (EST)
Submissions: Sunday at midnight (HAST)

Suitors
skwidmonster
Djeser
Broenheim
Sitting Here
Thranguy
Flesnolk
SkaAndScreenplays
Jay O
kurona_bright
newtestleper
Screaming Idiot
Sebmojo
WeLandedOnTheMoon!
C7ty1
epoch.
Grizzled Patriarch
Ironic Twist
Fuschia tude
Jonked
Lazy Beggar
docbeard
spectres of autism
tentacleDate
N. Senada
SadisTech
Schneider Heim
Megazver
crabrock
Kaishai
Killer-of-Lawyers

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at Aug 1, 2015 around 04:09

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



In,

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


in

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

yeah obviously in

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

In

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

If only, THUNDERDOME


I'll give it a shot.

SkaAndScreenplays
Dec 11, 2013

by FactsAreUseless


Tyrannosaurus posted:

THUNDERDOME CLVI: LET'S GET hosed UP ON LOVE
So I've been really digging this band called Family and Friends lately and in this one song specifically the singer repeats over and over "let's get hosed up on love" and I think that, as a sentiment, it's just loving cool as poo poo. So I wanna read some stories like that-- stories where people feel deep, wonderful, powerful, passionate emotions-- and I want you to write them.
A song inspired prompt in which I dig on the song?

60 Hour Hell Weeks Be Damned

Count Me In.

Jay O
Oct 9, 2012

being a zombie's not so bad
once you get used to it

In! But with feeling.

kurona_bright
Mar 21, 2013


In with a !

(I don't suppose I could have a flash rule?)

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

The turtle moves.


Fun Shoe

Is it just me, or is it hot in here?

*licks finger, touches it to rear end: sizzling is heard*

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

in.

to enter the next three weeks if my story isn't better than sitting here's

dreadmojo fucked around with this message at Jul 29, 2015 around 09:06

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


Ready to get hosed up on drugs love.

Social Studies 3rd Period
Oct 31, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER



In!

epoch.
Jul 24, 2007

When people say there is too much violence in my books, what they are saying is there is too much reality in life.


I am interested in participating.

please ban me if my story does not have a motherfucking cocksucking PLOT.

Fake edit: someone plz tell me how u write plots tia

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

epoch. posted:

cocksucking PLOT

holding you to this

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


crabrock posted:

holding you to this

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




In as hell.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


epoch. posted:

Fake edit: someone plz tell me how u write plots tia

Character wants things. Character does stuff so he can get thing. At the end character does/doesn't get thing.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

sebmojo posted:

in.

to enter the next three weeks if my story isn't better than sitting here's

I apologize to TD judges in advance for the lovely stories you're going to have to read over the next three weeks

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER



IN

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjI2J2SQ528

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER



epoch. posted:

cocksucking PLOT.

Jonked
Feb 15, 2005

by exmarx


Sure, I'm in.

Lazy Beggar
Dec 9, 2011


In, please.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

High marks for compassion, low marks for survival skills





In.

hubris.height
Jan 6, 2005



Pork Pro

My promised reviews coming through.

Screaming Idiot posted:

The Sweat Adds Flavor

Prompt: Heat

The frozen patties clacked onto the grill like coasters, spatters of grease popping about. Rick the grillman ignored the stinging pains on his forearm -- they'd fade soon enough, and blisters would heal. The omnipresent sweat that stung his eyes and left rich salt deposits on his grease-stiffened uniform shirt was much worse.I instantly don't give a poo poo about any of this. Any of it. The similie of "frozen patties clacked onto the grill like coasters" isn't the worlds most natural, and sounds really akward

"Hey, y'all're holdin' on nuggets again, Rick."

The imbecilic drawl came from Billy, one of the sandwich assemblers and to Rick, the platonic ideal of the drug-hazed burnout. He reeked of Axe body spray, sweat, and stale weed.

The grillman checked the trays in the heating cabinets and made a low noise of annoyance in the back of his throat when he saw they were lit. Lit trays were supposed to be full trays, but of course, Billy had drawn from each until they were empty, and hadn't said a word until it was too late. Rick considered saying something, but thought better of it; arguing with Billy was like arguing with a dog, only most dogs didn't reply with half-baked non sequiturs.Is Rick the kind of character who would reflect on a concept like a non-sequitur?

Rick was a doughy man, dour and angry, but he cared. Unfortunately, it meant he was never satisfied; he was punctual, meticulous, irritable. He kept his grill and his utensils spotlessly clean and his trays full of fresh food.

Except when people like Billy worked, of course. Billy spent more time blathering about Clash of Clans and weed and old westerns than he spent paying attention to which trays he pulled from, making things hard for Rick.Probably could've just cut this line, we already knew Billy doesn't keep track of the trays. I'm tried of Rick and Billy, and I wish Rick would just kill Billy and himself. I know you think, "Mission Accomplished, I have set up my characters." You are wrong. gently caress you.

"I tell you the good news?" Billy shot Rick a lopsided grin, bloodshot brown eyes glistening unhealthily, like veiny boiled eggs. His voice was as slick and as irritating as the grease popping from Rick's grill. "They're makin' me a manager."

Rick froze as he was setting up another tray of nuggets for the fryer. Billy? A manager? Rick had worked for nearly three years without so much as a nickel raise, while Billy had been there less than four months and they were making him a manager? Sweat dripped from the lank brown curls beneath Rick's threadbare hat and into his eyes, but he barely noticed it. Rage boiled up his throat like bile, and his knuckles whitened about the frozen bag of nuggets in his hand.

"Well, congratulations! I'm glad to hear it; you've always been a hard worker." Rick turned toward Billy with a rictus smile. Rick wasn't lying about that last part -- Billy might have been as sharp as a sack of rotten potatoes, but the man didn't slack. As long as the managers were watching. "When do you get your shirt and tie, you think?"

"Next week, after we get paid," Billy answered, puffing his chest and smiling with pride. Pride.

The ignorant bastard was proud. The idiot didn't realize that they worked in fast food, one step above slavery. They were failures as human beings, the lowest of the low. They worked in the heat and grease and anger for little pay and not enough hours. Rick in particular barely paid his rent, and he'd long ago given up the idea of buying groceries -- what he couldn't get with food stamps, he scavenged from the wastebins at work. Bills were paid roulette-style. But he did his best, worked as hard as he was able, and did his job. He didn't know any other way.This works better if you phrase it as someones thought, maybe Rick reflecting on things, instead of kind of just being you talking about the shame and plight of fast food workers as the narrator.

Billy did as well, but he did it flashily -- he did it to be seen. He called out orders he'd finished loud enough for the pizza place next door to hear. He always snuck in between people and their jobs and did them himself, although rather sloppily. He gave orders to the newbies -- mostly kids on their summer break. The orders were wrong, mind, and the kids got in trouble for it -- "No, you're not supposed to wash off meat that falls to the floor, where'd you hear that?" -- but Billy smirked, because He Knew Better.

And he was proud. Not of a job done well, but convinced that what he did was right, simply because he did it. Rick wanted to throttle the bastard. Instead, Rick throttled the bastard inside; he shoved his hate down, stuffed it somewhere deep, and made nuggets while Billy chatted up a front-line girl ten years too young for him.


As they drove through the humid night, Billy looked to Rick.

"You don't like me," Billy said, turning his gaze back to the road.

"What? That's not true," Rick said, shame prickling his spine. Yes it is.

"You don't think I should be a manager." Billy sighed. "You're a lot smarter than I am. But this job's all I got. My daddy's proud of the work I do."

Rick was silent.

"I'm gonna try my best, Rick. I'm gonna do my best to deserve it."

Rick said nothing.

"Also, I think I just passed up your house." Rick turned his neck and looked behind them.

Rick let out a chuckle despite himself

Maybe Billy wasn't so bad.Uggghhhh.....

Your simplistic and pitiful portrayal of fast food employees aside, I hate both of your characters. I resent that Rick is, in the end, able to go, "Well, gosh darn, he's a good guy who tries," in spite of Billy having done nothing to earn his respect within the context of the story except give him a ride home. The only reason I know the difference between the characters is that there are labels to everything, the story would not be able to stand without their names next to things because they're pretty shallow characters. The story doesn't really have a central conflict at all? It's not particularly a story, just kind of a sequence of events that open with someone that we are supposed to relate or like being upset about someone else getting promoted, and then in the end getting a ride home and liking the guy suddenly. This story gets a C for effort and a D for being a story. The characters are just a straight up failure, in my estimation. Bold are my comments, and I cut out the entire middle of it because it was bland and I couldn't even think of a way to be mean about it.

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hubris.height
Jan 6, 2005



Pork Pro

Jonked posted:

Sweat Tea in a Tin Can, 1094 words


This isn't a story. It's barely an interaction, because the characters don't really react naturally or according to any kind of rules of human interaction. Neither character has much of an arc in the story, I don't really get a feel for who they are or what they want in the story. I guess Frankie wants to try and make Al fight him while they're on a stake out? Or Al is secretly not interested in his SO, or doesn't care that the guy he's working with is nailing his SO? Like, I'm not sure why this is a story. Nothing happens, except one emotional retard cop tells another emotional retard he's nailing his SO. There's a vague threat to tell the other cop's SO about it, but its dropped because, I'm guessing, bros before hos?

This story sucks, it's just a boring interaction between two poo poo lords with no depth or purpose, and certainly without motivation. I don't have line crits, because if you got a friend of yours to read one half of these interactions while you read the other ones, you would instantly realize this is an interaction between stereotypes in which nothing happens.

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