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Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


I loving hate it when judges take forever to make the PROOOOOOOOOOOOOOMPT!!!!!!

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sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

Mercedes posted:

I loving hate it when judges take forever to make the PROOOOOOOOOOOOOOMPT!!!!!!

*leans in and whispers*

prompt

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why didn't you invest in
Thunderdome?


thunderdomerdome 132 economy of prompt

Noir.

Words: 500
Signups: Friday, 13th Feb 2015, 23.59 CET
Submissions: Sunday, 15th Feb 2015, 23.59 CET

PEOPLE WHO WILL LONGINGLY STARE AT THEIR LIQUOR CABINET BY MONDAY NIGHT:
Entenzahn
Sitting Here
The Saddest Rhino

Verbosists:
Capntastic
LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE
crabrock
SadisTech
SurreptitiousMuffin
Grizzled Patriarch
sebmojo
Benny Profane
ZeBourgeoisie
newtestleper
Djeser
Ironic Twist
Obliterati
leekster
contagonist
Screaming Idiot
Walamor
Bad Ideas Good
Fuschia tude
starr
hotsoupdinner
blue squares
Guiness13
A Classy Ghost
Jitzu_the_Monk
Savagely_Random
CommissarMega
Schneider Heim
BashGhouse
Jagermonster
JuniperCake
Wangless Wonder
Fumblemouse
perpetulance

Entenzahn fucked around with this message at Feb 13, 2015 around 22:36

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


bye

anime was right fucked around with this message at Oct 27, 2015 around 05:50

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer


ok lets do it

SadisTech
Jun 26, 2013

Clem.


In.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


sure why not

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




gently caress it, in.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

in like the cork in the mostly empty whisky bottle i've just pulled out of the broken bottom drawer of my private investigator desk as the smokin hot dame with the legs that are really long like almost freakishly, disturbingly so, walks in isn't

Benny Profane
Feb 23, 2012



In.

ZeBourgeoisie
Aug 8, 2013

THUNDERDOME
LOSER


Cool. In.

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




sebmojo posted:

in like the cork in the mostly empty whisky bottle i've just pulled out of the broken bottom drawer of my private investigator desk as the smokin hot dame with the legs that are really long like almost freakishly, disturbingly so, walks in isn't

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


In

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



In

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Oh also for any weeks I enter during February and March.

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


I'm still doing crits for Fairytale week. Crits for Noirweek will be much later as I'm going to deal with celebrating Chinese New Year next week.

Also flash rule I know there are webcomics out there (off the top of my head Pandyland and Kate Beaton) making fun of noir, so your flash rule (applicable to EVERYONE) is

DO NOT RIP OFF THE JOKES/PUNCHLINE/PLOT OF THESE WEBCOMICS

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER



This prompt was tailor-made to give me hell.

I'm in.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

leekster posted:

Good Luck in All Your Future Endeavors - 963 Words

Emergency flares and neon lights gave the skyline a diluted sharpness as the invasion of Beirut began. this is a good opener, paints a picture elegantly and swiftly Philip placed a hand on the window overlooking the city and tried to make sense of the past few hours. just get on with it

He had failed a hit. A high up dreadful vague phrase, and it should be hyphenated if you have to use it (you don't) in the ultra nationalists who? who was gathering the protesters to turn violent. His objective had been to take him and smuggle him out of Beirut before sun down. The target wasn’t in the apartment complex. Instead Philip found himself in a gunfight with six under trained hyphenate this or it becomes rather dada ultranationalists i am picturing them as ultramarines from games workshops warhammer 40000 fyi. This wouldn’t have been issue if the news crew hadn’t been prepped to crash the building. Now footage of an American man hulking over dead natives was being played on every TV that supported the nationalists, and secretly being watched in every bar that hated nationalists. This was the tipping point. jesus dude will you look at what you are loving doing with tenses in this para. he's standing and remembering then he's explaining then he's summarising then he's jumping out to what might not have happened if a thing hadn't happened JUST THEN (when?) then giving us the high up view then coming back to a little bit ago. i'm exhausted even thinking about it. Why not tell us the story you just summarised instead of this one it sounds fun though

He didn’t care about the locals. His worries were instead focused back home. i'm ready for this guy to stop pondering tbqh No doubt his handler knew he had failed even before the broadcast. who's this handler guy? some guy, i presume? Some last minute tip that the target had fled that didn’t reach him who? in time arrived just to tell him that Philip would not be successful. this is an example of where para breaks are critical; if you read this as a single para then the next bit makes no sense; it's a different thought, give it its own place to hang out. and stop pondering plz If Philip was ten years younger this wouldn’t be an issue. what wouldn't be an issue Salt and pepper betrayed his youthful physique. whose, philip or some guy He was well past fifty, the normal age of retirement for most workers in his sector. He was worried about a file. One with his real name on the front. Thick and creased from years of work. A large stamp slamming it fat and in big red letters saying “Denied Asset”.

If they WHO were quick his retirement could happen right now. A strobe of light flashing somewhere in front of him, then a softer sound than the crash of mortars dude a 747 crashing is prob a softer sound than the crash of mortars, they're very loud would arrive. Finally you're doing it again with the tenses and the pondering fyi a bullet would rip through his throat. If it didn’t entirely decapitate him, he’d have a precious half minute to wonder about tenses? who pulled the trigger oh. Ricky WHOOOOOOOOO was somewhere in Laos, and though he who? bragged he who? always hit the head each and every one of his whose kills was IDed instantly. wut It’d probably be Suzie, a tall woman with a tall gun. He hoped it’d be her anyway, she always shot clean.

Liquid splashed behind him and he remembered where he was. he must have a headache from all that pondering, also i will bet you could cut every word up to here and the story will be better for it. we'll see if i'm right. The penthouse bar of the Hotel American. A safe haven for every expat and wetwork agent in Beirut. He gave the shadow another second to take its shot before he turned away to the bar. The bartender was slow in getting to him. Plenty of other agent’s work had been ruined because of him so he didn’t get angry at being kept waiting. The bartender caught his eye and made his way over.

“Compliments of the lady at end,” and he placed down a Manhattan in front of Philip.

A cute choice for whoever would want to kill him. A last mention of his childhood home, where he went to school, of his family before the poison seeped into him and choked him slowly. uh oh feel a ponder coming on Philip grabbed the drink and raised to here where, mouthed cheers, and drank it in one gulp. Nothing too unusual, the same muted flavor of the barkeep watering it down. She who smiled back. Clean teeth but not perfect, there was a chip in the bottom left canine. philip has the eyes of a snow falcon Her hair was mousy, though it fit who she was. dude i know exactly what you mean no wait i actually don't, don't emptily gesture like this; instead try and describe a quality in the way someone acts Philip wondered if he knew her. All the “seductresses” were always changing, a deadly chimera. He hoped it was someone he knew. He had been kind to. whaaat

A few minutes passed and nothing got him. He moved seats near her and opted to get drunk. waaaat o u motherfucker was all that pondering just so you could skip anything interesting

-

Philip left the bar without his new friend. Not an act of nobility on his part of a want to keep her out of harm’s way. But rather he just wanted her to get him drunk so he could face the night ahead. Languid steps brought him closer to the elevator. A heavy stumble brought him into the cage. It caught him and he turned to look at the buttons. Usually he’d hold the close key and the floor he was going to so he’d skip all other floors and chances of being caught vulnerable. Maybe go up or down one if he was paranoid. Now he just watched it. Another opportunity for retirement walked in next to him.

“Three please,” the man in silk dress shirt said. No noticeable bulges or protrusions. Knuckles bore no scars. It would be a knife if he was going to retire Philip. good observations

“Sure thing,” Philip pressed the button. The minute shift in weight to bring his body forward would be the perfect opening for the man to drive a blade into the small of his back. Then as Philip gasped and clawed at the door he’d bring the blade back out and drive it into the base of his skull, giving it a final twist to scramble the brain stem. It would be quick and clean. Philip appreciated the simplicity of it. Philip leaned forward and the man in the silk shirt drew snub nosed .38. The barrel looked ugly, thick and bulbous. Integrally suppressed of course. oh, no don't loving just give us what we expect that is so intensely goddam dull

“You were a good agent Philip,” the man said as he brought the hammer back. “But we all have to retire someday.” BORING

Philip turned to him, palms turned towards him and arms raised. TEDIOUS

“I know. You’ll be a legend for this.” Philip said. WHO CARES

-

The door opened to the lobby. An Israeli spy whose entire career had been ruined by the invasion of Beirut got on and pressed the button to go to the penthouse. The smell of disinfectant told him that a retirement party had just happened. The hotel didn’t have a custodial staff. The guests were more then prepared to deal with any messes they made.
SHUT UP

right, this is a deserved loser, but you've actually got some quite decent words here, and a lot of your egregious wtf errors are quite easy to fix by not doing crazy tense gymnastics, paragraphing and proofing better and actually showing us something happening.

and have a goddam ending. remember: there are only two things you can do in art. give people what they expect, or give them what they don't expect. artistry is in knowing which to do, and when.

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


I HAVE GOT CRITS IN AND IT IS TIME TO BE VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOURSELF

This is for Fairytale Week. Muffin and I met up last Monday for drinks, I don't know about you but I wasn't prepared for a white dude to get tipsy on just two beers (tbf it was craft beer and the alcoholic content was as high as wine but still), so he got a little weird and starting drawing things all around instead of critting at one point.

I am a lazy shithead who needs to work and therefore took longer in critting you lot's writings. In the meantime people made JOKES which is why you get this nice sampler:



THIS IS THE ALBUM YOU WANT TO CLICK TO SEE YOUR CRITS:

http://imgur.com/a/BZMEZ

OH and here are some special images for the night itself:

Muffin upon reading and discovering Mercedes's story is ripping off a webcomic:


He shaved to the paedophile mustache just for you Mercedes

This is Mercedes's response to said response:


Also at one point in the crit you'll notice me saying "well Muffin got tired and started skipping stuff" this is what he looks like when that happened:



Note: Muffin's pen is the lighter and more readable words/pictures. I'm the one using the thicker black ink / blue ink / red ink pens.

The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at Feb 10, 2015 around 11:44

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

if there's anyone i owe a crit to, say and i'll crit yours from last week.

^ those crits are fantastic

sebmojo fucked around with this message at Feb 10, 2015 around 11:54

HopperUK
Apr 29, 2007

Clear off, fatso, this is a respectable establishment





Lipstick Apathy

These are the best crits ever even if you did accuse me of stealing lines how dare you!

thanks for drawing me a star though

Obliterati
Nov 13, 2012

Ask me about being the most Magnificent Bastard in EU4 Multiplayer.

gently caress it

Megazver
Jan 13, 2006



Edgar Allan Poe, the awkward awkwarder teenage years.

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


Just so everyone knows I'm irl going to post crits for spaceship week but I won't have time until I'm done with all this finish work on my house. Got about a week and a half left I figure. Flawless craftsmanship takes time.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry


I'm in love with everything in this post


Megazver posted:

Edgar Allan Poe, the awkward awkwarder teenage years.

Edgar Allan Poe: The only mustachioed author anyone can think of off the top of their head

A Classy Ghost
Jul 21, 2003

this wine has a fantastic booquet


The Saddest Rhino posted:

I HAVE GOT CRITS IN AND IT IS TIME TO BE VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOURSELF

amazing

Thanks for the crits!

leekster
Jun 20, 2013


In for this week.

Thank you Seb, Rhino, and Muffin for the crits!

contagonist
Jul 21, 2014

You shouldn't be doing anything with fluorine.

spIN the cylinder, cock tha hammer

Benny Profane
Feb 23, 2012



The Difference Between Noir and Hardboiled

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

The turtle moves.


Fun Shoe

I'll give noir a shot; nothing to lose but my pride, and I have none of that anyway!

In

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003



Thanks guys!

Walamor
Dec 31, 2006

Fork 'em Devils!



I'm IN. Thanks for the link Benny, a good read.

Bad Ideas Good
Oct 12, 2012


In.

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER



On. In. Of.

Let's see if I can write a 500 word story. I can't

starr
May 5, 2014

by FactsAreUseless


In

hotsoupdinner
Apr 12, 2007
eat up

In, but you can't quite see me because I'm extremely underexposed.

blue squares
Sep 28, 2007



Soiled Meat

in

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


I want you to know just how much I suffered for that moustache. See the kinda rash on either side of my chin? That's razor burn, because my beard was so desperate to stay on my face that it screamed and shouted and buried itself deep while the blades came down.

It hurt like a motherfucker going through thick beard with a plastic supermarket razor is what I'm what I'm saying. It may look like a math teacher moustache, but it was fomented in pure rage and more than a little literal blood. It was an angerstache, truly.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

Learn 2 straightrazor

takes a beard off like nothing, and no razorburn

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Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




crabrock posted:

Learn 2 straightrazor

takes a beard off like nothing, and no razorburn

Also you can whip it out at parties (the straight razor I mean) and everyone will think you are really cool. It's like a pocket katana, really.

edit: Not to mention the implications for Sweeney Todd Halloween costumes, etc.

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