farts forever an ever amen
|# ¿ Jan 1, 2015 01:43|
|# ¿ Mar 20, 2019 09:28|
If you ask the CC mod very very sweetly they might do it.
|# ¿ Jan 1, 2015 02:28|
|# ¿ Jan 1, 2015 02:28|
This crit rules. But forcible sodomy could have saved the story since it would've been the only thing to happen that wasn't a mind-numbing cliche.
Idiot, I gotta say - this is still way better-written than your Kevin-son-of-Thomas-the-ark-of-the-covenant poo poo. I think you need a wordcount limit all the time.
|# ¿ Jan 6, 2015 14:51|
Please post this, it sounds awesome. I mean that completely unironically.
|# ¿ Jan 6, 2015 17:52|
I am rather fond of this painting
well I USED to like you
|# ¿ Jan 15, 2015 01:44|
this is unironically one of the best things you've written in the dome
i mean that in all seriousness, with zero irony
that's what unironically means btw
|# ¿ Jan 15, 2015 01:45|
monkeys + guns = my life irl
|# ¿ Jan 15, 2015 21:19|
in other words: put me in, x-mar
|# ¿ Jan 15, 2015 21:20|
Farmer Liam Thomas
you gotta be loving kidding me
|# ¿ Jan 18, 2015 19:40|
Hey everyone stop being a bunch of mad/sad/mean babies and shut up and write
bye for now
|# ¿ Jan 20, 2015 01:11|
Also, need co-judges who hate themselves and want to read a bunch of lovely scifi
|# ¿ Jan 20, 2015 03:04|
lol I believe he meant "can I write about a made-up spaceship or does it have to be SpaceShipTwo or a Falcon Heavy." The part of the prompt that said "sci-fi" should have answered that stupid question.
|# ¿ Jan 20, 2015 22:21|
ok, so for all the idiots in the thread, screaming or otherwise: by REAL LIFE, crabrock meant, it is actually in the story and happens IN THE STORY, in the REAL LIFE that is created IN THE STORY
|# ¿ Jan 20, 2015 23:52|
MERC-BRAWL 8: HITMAN MONKEY
awareness new - awareness different - everything together - everything thoughts - aware
ursinus=name - ursinus=name keepers call - ursinus=me
I am Ursinus
I hunt the human-thing. Not a human, this thing. Dead. Not alive, though like an alive thing. Moves like a human, looks like a human. Not smell. Smells like...like machine. Smelled nasty. Rubber, the smell, like tires in my play-gym. Rubber smell. Others, too. Metal, glass. Nasty.
Man-thing walks through park - they call it that, itís jungle made by men - like men do. Looking forward, around a little, never up. I can move up. I like moving down, on ground, but up is good too. In branches. The trees.
Cam said I kill human-thing. Test, he said. I get treats. Cam is always saying things, inside. Thereís no Cam outside. Outside me. My head. Outside Ursinus, thereís no Cam. Katrina, she says Cam is a construct, thing that helps me. Not a human, but talks like a man in my head. I tell Katrina, okay, I got it. But I donít. Cam is either human or not-human, but heís in my head. Itís hard to think of, Cam. I let him talk to me, makes me feel not-alone.
I grabbed a branch, swung across to next, like so. Iím in front of human-thing now. Still doesnít look up. Now, Cam tells me, now itís time. Cam, maybe heís not human and maybe heís in my head, but heís right. I drop from the branch, right on human-thing. On his shoulders. Human-thing falls, hard. Me on top. Heavy, Katrina explained before, sometime. Heavier than I was before. Before...awareness. Before I was Ursinus. As I hit human-thing, I feel rage. Red rage, bloody rage, defending my troop, my mate, my YOUNG. RAGE! RAGE!
My hands drip. The claw-things, long, sharp, black, come back into my hands. They were out. Did I put them out? Did Cam? I donít know. The human-thing is at my feet, the head cut off. Liquid - not blood, smells different - spilled on ground.
Good job, says Cam. I did it. I did it right this time. The RAGE was good. The RAGE made me do right. But I donít know. The human-thing - itís not alive, but it looked alive, felt alive - it didnít threaten me. It threatened nothing.
Katrina says I did right too. I look at her. Her white clothes - not fur, not skin, I learn this - her smiles, her talking. I feel the rage again, building. I want to tear her throat out with my teeth, not the claw-things in my hands, my big sharp hard teeth. I want to feel the heat of her blood on my mouth, taste it on my tongue. My muscles are tight, they wonít move. No, Cam tells me. No attacking Katrina. I canít grab her, canít bite her. She still shows her teeth at me, what Cam says is happy good thing for men. Not for us. For us itís a threat.
I lower my head, then raise it. The way they taught me - the way Cam taught me. Itís a yes, a yes-gesture. Katrina holds out my treat. I take it in my hands. What she always gives me: a piece of dried meat and vegetable and fruit, all mashed together. And also a cigarette. I like them. But I donít like the game anymore. Killing a thing that doesnít threaten, for something that does. Katrina. And the others in white.
I light my cigarette with the fire I carry in my vest pocket. I smoke it, and I think. Other baboons - regular baboons - they donít smoke cigarettes. They donít wear vests, or have blades in arms, or teeth that cut thin metal. They donít think. At least, not like me. But they also donít do things for the humans. They donít kill things for them. I was one of them, once. I donít remember it so good. Cam says Iím better now.
Maybe I am. I donít know.
Cam tells me itís the male only, not his females. Just kill the male. Heís the threat. To me. To my troop. Cam says the humans in white are my troop. I donít know if thatís right. But he says it.
I move in shadows, like a shadow. A camera waits to see me, to call for enemies. Hungry, threatening enemies. I watch it move, I stay out of view. Cam shows me the cameraís view - a wide red cone in my vision. I slip around it, and go up the hard concrete wall. With my hands and feet, I grip bumps and dents. Regular baboons couldnít do this. They can climb good, but not like me. Cam said I have little spikes in my fingers and toes, that come out and help me grip. I canít feel them, but I think heís right. I get to the top, and see a park. Like my jungle place, around my gym. Around my cage.
This park is smaller. The trees are little, there are places for men to sit. Stones on the ground, making shapes. Water, a big stone bowl of water. Inside, a woman stands, no clothes, and she pours water out of something like my water bottle in my cage.
This park is nice. To look at. To smell. Cam reminds me of my task. My mission. I jump down, land in soft grass. I move across the little park, making no sound. There are more cameras out here. I dodge their cones, get to the big house. Itís like the building where my cage is. But nicer to look at it. It smells nice, too. I smell food. The house has many windows, all big. Some dark, some glow. Cam shows me the right window, he makes it green for me. Itís three levels up, I count. I can count now. I couldnít before. Before awareness. But also after. Now I can. Cam says my brain is changing.
Cam says heís changing too. I donít get that.
I get to the green window. Itís not locked. I slide it open, sideways. Not up-and-down, like some of my practice windows in my gym. I go inside. Itís dark in here, but I can see. Everythingís green, different kinds of green. But the male, the target, heís orange. Bright, hot. Full of hot blood. Heís in a big tub of water, bigger than my tub in my cage. Heís with two females.
Iím supposed to use my arm blades. They used to come out when I felt rage, but now I can put them in and out myself. With my thoughts. Cam said thatís not right, but I still do it. Katrina doesnít know.
I donít want to use my blades. They arenít right. Cam is wrong. My teeth are right. I run across the floor, hands and feet on the hard smooth floor. I jump up on the back of the tub. The two females see me. They scream, so loud. They donít stop screaming. I grab the maleís head, and he screams too. I bite, hard. I feel his throat open under my teeth, I feel his breath-tube shatter. His blood rushes into my mouth. Itís hot, and salty. Like the treats I get from Katrina. I shake my head, side to side, fast. The man stops screaming.
Iím done. The male is dead. But I want to kill the females. Stop them screaming, looking at me. But why? They didnít threaten me. Not my mate, my young, my troop. I donít have those things. Maybe never do. Cam wonít tell me. I ask, and he says other things. I ask and ask and ask. He never tells. Katrina doesnít, either. She doesnít let me ask after once.
I donít kill them. I wash my face in the tub and leave. I dodge all camera cones and go back over the wall. I go home.
I did really good again, Katrina tells me in the morning. Iím a very good baboon. She gives me another treat, and more cigarettes. A whole pack, this time. She bares her teeth again. The good thing, the happy thing.
Rage. RAGE! Sheís not good! Not happy! Threat! THREAT!
Katrina keeps me from my troop. My mate. My young. She makes me kill! Kill things that aren't a threat.
Cam says no, donít. I donít listen. My muscles donít go tight this time. Something changed. Iím on Katrina, biting hard. I hear yelling voices, male humans. I taste Katrinaís blood. Then I hear loud pops.
Pain in my back, little hard things hit me so fast. Voices yelling my name. Yelling Ursinus.
The pain goes away. I see dark.
I'm Ursinus, papio sapiens. Iím free.
|# ¿ Jan 22, 2015 02:20|
ATTENTION! ATTENTION! IF YOU HAVE NOT PUT YOUR FLASH RULE IN YOUR STORY POST, POST IT NOW WITH A LINK TO YOUR STORY!
|# ¿ Jan 26, 2015 03:27|
And Fanky wins again, no surprise! Good job, Fanks.
|# ¿ Jan 26, 2015 03:44|
a convoluted excuse I didn't bother reading all the way through
Literally nobody cares
|# ¿ Jan 26, 2015 05:01|
I am exhausted from reading a shitload of stories, shoveling 3 feet of snow, and making a delcious pot pie, so here are the results with no frills attached. Newtestleper and I are in agreement, and Martello has been AWOL all day so...
I was doing home renovations so
And I also agree with the other two judges anyway.
But yes I am the worst. Crits will be forthcoming, but not soon or anything.
|# ¿ Jan 28, 2015 01:48|
you're a stupid loving idiot. get a loving clue and stop brawling people at the drop of the hat you god drat weirdo.
|# ¿ Feb 4, 2015 16:51|
|# ¿ Feb 4, 2015 16:51|
I remember I punchline I read from a webcomic a year ago, build a story around said punchline and I'm crucified for it. I don't have enough middle fingers.
Your story was still better than half the other poo poo written in the dome so
|# ¿ Feb 7, 2015 06:39|
Just so everyone knows I'm irl going to post crits for spaceship week but I won't have time until I'm done with all this finish work on my house. Got about a week and a half left I figure. Flawless craftsmanship takes time.
|# ¿ Feb 10, 2015 13:45|
Please post how many are written by Mercedes
|# ¿ Mar 31, 2015 22:20|
If variants are included I wrote two of them
|# ¿ Mar 31, 2015 22:20|
good job bud, yet another published domer
|# ¿ Apr 23, 2015 02:17|
holy poo poo broen your new avatar
|# ¿ Apr 29, 2015 01:07|
|# ¿ May 15, 2015 23:21|
|# ¿ May 15, 2015 23:24|
SPACESHIP WEEK CRITS
Two wolves howl at the moon, one a wild animal, the other a holographic decoy for a cyborg mouse
1. character(s): John is not a good spacename. Way to waste a huge opportunity to finally name your protag Goyim Laserface. Oh, you never wanted to name a protagonist that? Well gently caress you. And almost as importantly, John is a very flat character with super basic motivations and no complexity whatsoever. Alice is an equally bad spacename. You could have named her Breasts Bitchshanker or something, because thatís literally all I got from her character.
2. plot: Lol at your ďmanagers were animals on Old EarthĒ thing, and not in a good way. The old chestnut of ďspacefaring humans have forgotten EarthĒ is dumb, cliche, and implausible given the state of human knowledge in digital form at the moment. You probably love the stupid tech and wonder quotes in Civilization: Beyond Earth. In general your plot is meandering and hard to follow, with random asides and a ton of telling rather than showing. You pile on the old-timey space fantasy cliches like theyíre going out of style. Which they have. I guess this is supposed to be comedy or something, at least I hope it is. But it falls utterly flat because the jokes arenít funny and the story isnít interesting at all.
3. spaceship: Red Lighting is another cliche name, and itís not a very cool spaceship anyway.
4. reunion: I didnít care about either character. Their connection is incredibly shallow and I couldnít possibly give a gently caress if they reunite or not.
5. necessary length: You could have made this any length and it would have been equally bad. Shorter would have been better.
This story was terrible, thanks.
ďThis is big business, babe,Ē John told her
looking back at this after a few months, iím thinking maybe this was supposed to be satire, spoof, or some other sort of humor. still failed because it wasnít loving funny at all
Let There Be Light
1. Character(s): Again, no spacenames. Becoming very disappointed in you people. I would say give them pinoy names but Tina is a super-Filipina name so good job on that. Just something more interesting would have been nice. The characters are decent though. They are regular folks who also fold space and traipse around the galaxy. Their relationship felt believable, even though you didnít go into a ton of detail about it.
2. Plot: This is decent. Iím interested. Iím also confused. The folding was especially mystifying. I didnít want you to explain it, exactly, not in technobabble terms or anything. But at least an idea of how they do it. Is it a technology thing or are the people literally folding space themselves, with their brains or summat? I couldnít tell from the story. You could have used some of those extra 300 words to make it a little more clear, since folding is such a central feature of the story. Overall, though, you did mostly showing and not much telling. Thatís more than can be said for a lot of entries this week.
3. spaceship: You didnít describe the alien ship. Again, itís a central part of the story and you just kind of said ďa big alien spaceship.Ē Those 300 words again, could have been used to smell the roses a little.
4. reunion: This was a pretty good reunion. The bit about the son had a nice pang to it but it was a little too brief and the emotional impact could have been better. Once again, this story could use some more meat.
5. necessary length: This could have been longer to flesh it out some more.
Not a bad story, needs some work and you need to put the meat back on those chicken bones.
How many books could there possibly be on ďseveral dozen (space)tablets?Ē That must be a staggering amount of data.
The Last Man In Space
1. character(s): I didnít care about Tessa at all, also TESSA AND RONALD ARE NOT SPACENAMES! gently caress! You just didnít do anything to make Tessa interesting. Ex-girlfriend of the first man in cyberspace could maybe be cool, but it isnít in this story. And I deeply question her motivation to cruise around the galaxy looking for a loving watch. Sheís not Butch from Pulp Fiction. Ronald is just a disembodied voice and is even more flat. It also would have been nice if you gave us some inkling of how his ghost or whatever survived, or if itís some technology thing.
2. plot: As above, the entire motivation of the plot is implausible and boring. The cat serves no purpose since you forget about her after describing the attacking candy wrapper. You could have built some more tension with the ship being scary but instead you just made it safe and boring.
3. spaceship: Nothing really interesting here.
4. reunion: Completely anemic reunion. Tessa doesnít seem to care about Ronald at all, and he doesnít care about her being there. Itís boring, like the rest of the story.
5. necessary length: Nothing really to say here, this story would need a major re-write so I canít judge how you could have used the word count better or worse.
Generally just a boring story. You have to give your protag more motivation than just ďget my granpaís watch,Ē and put in some actual conflict. Thereís none of that here. She just gets to his ship, goes inside, gets scared by a candy wrapper, talks to his ghost (without even being really scared by it) and then takes the watch from his dead wrist. Bo-ring.
At least your prose is competent. You just need to turn it to an interesting story.
1. character(s): Leonard sucks and I canít remotely care about him because I donít know what the gently caress is even going on with him and the story. Also Leonard is not a spacename, and i donít think this story is even in space?
2. plot: why the gently caress would really polluted water grow life that makes no loving sense bro.
3. spaceship: there isnít one unless itís the church or something loving dumb. did you post the wrong story or
4. reunion: there isnít one
5. necessary length: who cares
the prose is dumb btw. How is a wind hollow and how does it ďdrugĒ itself through town? His past was still around him blah blah yawn
tbh this probably could have lost, maybe should have even
1. character(s): holy loving poo poo there will be no spacenames in this dismal week will there, gently caress me. You named them after gospels in the bible, you are so goddamn original it makes my dick explode. And holy poo poo you named the girl Emily Brown. Is every writer in the dome some kind of incredibly culturally boring whitebread caucasian or what the gently caress.
2. plot: Wow some dudes have stowed away on a seedship for unknown reasons when their parents actually got on legally, also how loving leaky is the security on this giant super important multi-quadrillion dollar monstrosity.
3. spaceship: Oh lolz itís a giant sperm for no loving reason, thanks for using the 20-dollar SAT word for a sperm cell, gfj.
4. reunion: Yawn because I donít care about anyone, noticing a theme here gently caress me.
5. necessary length: bllrhhhhggghhh
Sloppy loving prose, my friend. Lots of simple typographical errors you could have caught on a single editing pass.
Overall this is boring and trite and I donít care about anything in it. And nothing really happens. Thereís no tension, no arc. Just some kids finding one of the kidsí parents. Wow. Cool loving story!
Jitzu the Monk
The More Things Change
1. character(s): Nobody is particularly likeable (and ofc no spacenames) in this story. Todd is just kind of a mincy little wuss who has the miraculous badass moment like every other character exactly like him in a million other stories about boring high school bullshit. Ali is ok, I guess, but sheís not all that interesting, just inoffensive. Sebastian isnít a very good bully, the whole ďlolfagĒ routine seems anachronistic for a humanity that can make solid holograms (which is super dumb btw). Also he has no loving motivation heís just a stock bullshit high school bully. Either you were bullied so much in high school that you took it for granted, or you never were and made this up after watching too many lovely 90s high school sitcoms.
2. plot: You dragged the arc on pretty good, you could have ended this much earlier. I didnít really care about a lot of the middle pontification from Todd and Ali. The action was clunky and boring. The fag bullying thing is really dumb, as noted. Really itís not even the anachronism, itís just boring. Give us some cool space bullying.
3. spaceship: The spaceship is decent. I always like the idea of long-haul generation ships, especially with nature preserves in the middle. You really should have given us more spaceships and less Mary Poppins-themed navel-gazing.
4. reunion: The reunion wasnít bad. You established how things were previously and how things are mostly the same, makes sense, even if that whole saying is super cliche and so is the whole idea.
5. necessary length: You used way too loving many of those word-things
Boring as gently caress, long, drawn-out, and a lot of nonsense nobody will ever care about. The dumb bully with no motivation and the ďshy schoolboy saves the dayĒ chestnut really pushed this over the line into the trash heap. Not offensive enough to be a loser, but a DM wouldnít have been out of place.
Benny the Snake
The Ballad of Natasha Guerrero
1. character(s): At least the names are kind of interesting, could be considered spacenames I suppose. Though of course, because you wrote this story, everyone says each otherís names over and over like itís the loving Titanic holy poo poo people donít talk that way. Also people donít drone on about what the military can do for them like theyíre in a loving recruitment HOLOGRAM especially to close family members who already know all that poo poo.
2. plot: bleeahhhghghhhhh yeah sure the screaming chickens will still be a unit in the future and they will be spacejumpers, nice whatever who gives a gently caress they arenít even airborne no more. Why is this setting so low-tech when theyíre attacking other planets? Holy gently caress they still have c-sections and tilt-rotors?
3. spaceship: uh there isnít even one here gently caress you a tilt-rotor on another planet isnít a spaceship
4. reunion: who loving cares there isnít even a spaceship
5. necessary length:
blllllruughghhhh I could say things but crabrock already told you everything you need to hear, but who the gently caress are we kidding you wonít actually comprehend any of his advice, youíll just keep being you so carry on good sir i guess
Black and Blue
1. character(s): FINALLY SOME loving SPACENAMES, WELL THIS OUTTA BE DECENT oh wait gently caress
2. plot: Good job do this loving way-out sci-fi poo poo in a flash story, throw in all these dumb loving low-effort spacewords like Justai and then go on with the stupidest loving story with a terrible twist that doesnít even make any sense
3. spaceship: gently caress
4. reunion: you
5. necessary length: seriously
A Wizard in Space
1. character(s): Ok so these ainít exactly spacenames but at least theyíre mostly interesting. I actually like Ephraim and actually loving care what happens to him, good job there.
2. plot: Bit cliche with the fountain of youth thing but you did a decent spin on it with the space stuff and the teleportation/time travel.
3. spaceship: The spaceship is cool, definitely the best spaceship so far.
4. reunion: Itís good. You really build up to it and itís good that itís at the end, makes the impact better.
5. necessary length: You used your words well for the most part. Could probably cut some, but overall good length.
Not a bad story at all. Not perfect, some editing problems, but a fun little sci-fantasy tale all in all.
Bought and Paid For
1. character(s): Why I still expect to see spacenames in these stories is anyoneís guess because itís obviously not loving happening. Davey and Harker are pretty cool cats both, so you did good on this.
2. plot: This is the best plot Iíve read so far. The twist at the end with his Momís brain and the Minstrel is pretty drat cool. I actually want to know what happens next, to both Harker and Davey. Thatís a good sign.
3. spaceship: You did ok here. The Minstrel is cool, the concept of it is great, and I like that Harkerís ship is named Bertha, but you could have given us more. Made the ships into characters of their own, give us some visual detail and etc. You had almost 100 words to play with. You should have used them.
4. reunion: This was good. It was a nice gut-punch, especially when we learn how the Minstrel is such a great ship.
5. necessary length: You should have used the extra 99 words.
You made a lot of editing mistakes in this one, including some pretty glaring ones. Otherwise Iíd call this a win candidate. Itís actually an exciting story with real tension and some decent dialogue and good action. Youíve got the storytelling chops, just keep tightening up your writing.
1. character(s): Okay, finally some decent spacenames! You had a tight little cast here, and each had their role and at least a shadow of personality given the word count. I like Hyden and even Kocinek is pretty cool.
2. plot: The twist was nice, didnít see it coming though I should have. Nice tight plot, no extra fat.
3. spaceship: You probably made the best use of the ships Iíve seen so far. I would have liked a bit more visual description of the SAG-3s versus the Ospreys and Greenlines, like are they sleeker now or do they look like flying pills or what. But cool ships. And The Diocletian is an awesome name for a bigger ship.
4. reunion: This was a good one, very effective. Kocinekís turn made all the better.
5. necessary length: You used all your words, and used them well.
drat fun story. Definitely deserved the honorable mention, tbh I would have picked this for the win but the other two preferred Nethiliaís.
Among the Stars
1. character(s): I really like Fayeís calm, childlike certainty of Isabelís fate, and how she keeps it for the entire story.
2. plot: Itís a cool twist on an alien abduction story, with a very nicely-done happy ending. The domestic problems in the middle are believable if well-tread territory. What made this a winner (or a runner-up imo) was the poignancy of Fayeís belief in Isabelís eventual return and the way you tied everything up so neatly.
3. spaceship: The spaceship was very central as a plot device, but you didnít really do anything with it as a spaceship. No visual description, even. I would have liked to see more of it.
4. reunion: Great reunion at the end, fulfilled everything we needed as readers.
5. necessary length: You made good use of the word count with little to no fluff.
This was a great story. Again, I would have picked Benny Profaneís if I had been the sole judge, but thatís probably just my personal preference leaning towards stories about people blowing each other up in spaceships instead of girls waiting for their alien abductee friends to come back for them. The ending was fantastic, though, definitely the best of the week. Itís rare that I feel ďtouchedĒ or whatever itís called but I have to admit I did when I read this one.
The Close Encounter
1. character(s): Lee Roy is awesome, as a joke character. The classic alien-abductee redneck, with mad trailer park karate skills.
2. plot: This was a funny version of the alien abduction story. I sort of felt bad for the poor little turtleducks that Lee Roy murdered with such orgiastic abandon, but it was worth it for the payoff at the end.
3. spaceship: I want to know what it looks like so I can picture the shitckicker flames painted on the side.
4. reunion: There wasnít one. Otherwise this was HM material.
5. necessary length: This was very tight and self-contained in under 900 words, well-done.
Good story, didnít fulfil all requirements of the prompt, but a fun read. Like crabrock said, no character development, but who cares this was a joke story. Not your best but funny and enjoyable.
LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE
The Bureaucratic Minefield that is Spaceship Insurance Claims
1. character(s): You used spacenames, but you went a little overboard with the FUNNY NAME LOL routine. If the story overall was goofier, itíd be fine, but as it is this is a weird pseudo-serious setting and names like Mr. Ironedshirt (or is it Draftbeer lol editing) seem out of place and dumb. Corndog is a douchebag and heís exploiting an implausible 50ís message sci-fi setting in the stupidest way I can think of.
2. plot: See above really, I mean this just isnít funny enough to be a good spoof or satire and itís too lolwhackyrandom to be anything else. There ARE some funny bits but not nearly enough to make the story work.
3. spaceship: The spaceships are central to the story, but thereís little description so this wasnít so good either.
4. reunion: Who was he reuniting with? I didnít see it if it was even there.
5. necessary length: You didnít use the whole word count, but this story needs a lot of work so no comment really.
Your prose is very serviceable and you have some decent ideas, but I think youíre trying too hard to be funny and falling flat. Humor writing may not be your bag.
The Threads Behind Everything
1. character(s): Samairah is a good spacename, well done. So is Chand. Theyíre both intriguing characters in their own way, and I want to know more about them, more than is in this short story.
2. plot: I had trouble following some of the time travel stuff, but that kind of poo poo is often confusing so I guess itís ok. I dunno thereís really way too much going on for 2K words, this needs to be a proper short, not flash, if not something much longer.
3. spaceship: The spaceship is more of a backdrop than anything else, although at least itís central to the plot.
4. reunion: This part was very cool, but again the storyís too short to really get the proper emotional and dramatic impact.
5. necessary length: You just canít tell this kind of story in 2000 words.
As frustratingly always with your stuff, thereís a lot more here than what youíre giving us. Iím going beyond the scope of this story and a Thunderdome judgment in general when I say this, but gently caress it: you really need to sit down and finish something awesome.
The Sun and the Mirror
1. character(s): The shibs are interesting (and have good spacenames, being spaceships) but almost too mysterious for me to connect with them. Too alien. I guess thatís a good thing? Itís hard to say.
2. plot: Cool plot for the most part, though Iíve never been a big fan of the UNIMAGINABLY POWERFUL WHATSIT sci-fi trope. Good arc and good ending though Iím not sure what ďfalls forever into its final momentĒ means. The unobtanium overload was a tad much also.
3. spaceship: Both spaceships are cool since they have sapient brains. You also did a decent, if sketchy, job of describing them physically. And in this case, they ARE the characters, so good on that.
4. reunion: I liked how they remembered their humanoid bodies, and also how Specula was tricking Helios half the time.
5. necessary length: I donít remember if you had extra words or what but you went over by 117, according to the writocracy. Either way you made good use of the count.
Not a bad story, just a little too opaque and with some excessive tech dialogue and sci-fi words. Also itís tough to connect with spaceships but it was a good experiment.
Space Isnít So Scary
1. character(s): Tom and mother are not good spacenames, once again. And Tom is a boring character because itís all telling, which I get is the point, but this experiment is a failure.
2. plot: There really isnít one. I honestly donít even know what to do with this story. Itís just bland descriptive sentences with no impact.
3. spaceship: boring like the rest
4. reunion: canít possibly care
5. necessary length: glrh
donít write a story like this again please thanks
The Magic Screen
1. character(s): Your unnamed protag is a total loving loser nerd who thinks itís SUPER COOL to only use the summation of human knowledge as ďreading material.Ē I really didnít give a poo poo about him from beginning to end. Hint: thatís not a good thing for your fictional story words.
2. plot: This is so loving hopeless and pointless. Why the gently caress did you even bother? Your protag certainly didnít.
3. spaceship: The spaceship is the only cool part of this loving story. I donít know if any of that science makes sense, but it sounds cool.
4. reunion: He reunited with the Pee Wee Herman show. gently caress you.
5. necessary length: who loving cares
The worst thing about this one is that it started with some potential. The ship is cool, and even the initial conceit of the story is cool. Then it takes a nosedive for a well-deserved suicide. Except, the story should have killed itself, not the protag.
Also just wanna echo crabrock that the first line is terrible garbage.
1. character(s): I dunno. I feel like you tried to go for this really alien thing but I canít help but just make 33 a really weird autistic human. You give her ďalienĒ emotions and thoughts but theyíre always very much in human terms. Thereís really nothing thatís difficult to comprehend about the way she or her people think; theyíre just weird as gently caress. It didnít work the way you wanted it to. And Royal is just an annoying cardboard HUMANS SUCK character who might also be some dumb thing about imperialism, yawn. His motivations are also bizarre. He says he loves her, and I GUESS they bang (this should be more clear, and if so itís loving weird), but he also calls her Ice Queen which is apparently super insulting, and he does horrible unspecified things to the other aliens?
2. plot: Like the characters, thereís too much unknown in this story for me to really care. Some of the science stuff is off, like crabrock already noted about absolute zero and so on. And other than that, I really am not sure exactly whatís supposed to be happening on a macro level. Did the humans subjugate the skellingtons? Did they move in and just generally gently caress them up? Is there a war going? None of this is clear. There are random things like the escape pod apparently had enough fuel to get to Earth (presumably a poo poo ton of lightyears away) with one human body, but a half-a-human and a skinny eight-foot tall alien is WAY TOO MUCH so it emergency lands at the nearest space rock.
3. spaceship: The spaceship is more or less a nonentity. Itís not really that important to the story and is barely described.
4. reunion: I GUESS she reunited with Royal as a dead body in the back of the pod. But I donít loving know. Like most things in this story.
5. necessary length: Maybe with more words you could have written things into the story that made sense and made it a full narrative.
Itís weird because newtestleper wanted this to win initially and apparently crabrock liked it also, but I actually hate it. Your prose is good but this story just has too many giant question marks, and I really dislike the failed attempt at a truly alien alien who ends up as human as anybody else, with the love/fear/hate/revenge poo poo. The story was also disjointed as gently caress. Everything happened out of sequence, and it wasnít good in a Tarantino way. It just added to the confusion that already permeates the piece.
Land of the Dead
1. character(s): Mikala could be an ok spacename, but I guess itís a NOBLE SAVAGE name instead so gently caress off then. She sucks, in general. Her motivations are all over the place, she has no characterization, and she moves around all weird and jerky through this ship thing just sort of doing things in a non-sequential nonsensical way. Oh wait, no, thatís just the way you wrote her.
2. plot: Really not sure what the gently caress is happening in this story. Did humans (EVIL HUMANS, THE OLD CHESTNUT) come to her planet and kill everyone just so they could live there? Now theyíre overhauling her dumb old ship? Is she a human? Are the humans not human? Is she alive or dead? Do I care?
3. spaceship: Yeah itís a rotting rusting spaceship thatís GENETICALLY LINKED to a family line for space reasons. Itís dumb.
4. reunion: The reunion sucked because Mikala sucks and so does her undead spaceship grandfather.
5. necessary length: You used WAY too many words. And you told a loving lot, instead of showing actions you reported the actions in the most bland sterile way possible.
This was boring as gently caress. Seriously, spaceship week should have been fun, but we get this kind of poo poo instead.
1. character(s): Holy loving shitfuck, was there a secret flash rule of ďno spacenames, only the most boring milquetoast loving bullshit American names you can possibly think of?Ē These characters are totally loving meaningless you know what, gently caress you this is the most low-effort shitwriting iíve ever seen in the dome, iím done with this
Love is Another Kind of Loneliness
1. character(s): I just donít get enough of Haru to care about how sad he is. Thatís all there is to him: sadness and loss. And the protag is too detached, like some sort of scientific observer just trying to keep his (her?) subject calm to avoid personal injury.
2. plot: Itís really not bad, and the sadness of Haruís loss is poignant, but thereís just not much to it.
3. spaceship: The ship is cool enough from what we can see, which isnít enough, as per usual in this week of SPACESHIP stories with very little SPACESHIP.
4. reunion: Itís sort of hosed up that the protag made a fake computer version of Haruís son. I mean I guess thatís what he/she figured Haru needed, but still creepy and weird.
5. necessary length: You have nice clean prose, so you didnít bloat this, but I think you could have made it more satisfying with another 1000 words or so to work with.
Pretty writing, good convincing tragedy, not much substance. Youíve done better, and plenty of others have done a whole lot worse.
To the Severe, to Vadim
1. character(s): Another boring loving character, who AT LEAST has a good spacename. Okay, so this is a gay dude whoís super in love with his gay bf, but he chose to go on a seedship where heís gonna bang chicks? I donít really know because I couldnít be hosed to read this story more than just a skimming, it was so goddamn overwrought and boring.
2. plot: Itís like, you want to do this cool thing with letters and you dedicate the entire story to the letter poo poo, but then at the end you (or at least everyone else) realize that the thing with letters ISNíT COOL AT ALL and you just wasted yourís and everyone elseís time.
3. spaceship: wtf is up with concrete spaceships do people understand material science even a tiny bit
4. reunion: there wasnít a reunion and it wasnít a cool twist on a reunion, it was two people talking at each other and nothing is even loving resolved and who cares
5. necessary length: way too long
Preparing for the Big Sleep
1. character(s): Welt, weíre back to lovely milquetoast names again. loving wonderful.
2. plot: This is another one of those stories this week where the sci-fi setting is 100% incidental to the story. Everyone acts exactly like modern people and the technology is exactly like current tech except IN SPACE. Itís really loving lazy and it sucks. Oh and the plot is boring too. This is seriously the story of some chick using AIM with her older brother in the 90s from a foreign country and then she loses connection because thereís a monsoon or something. Holy gently caress this is stupid.
3. spaceship: Completely incidental. IMO this doesnít even count as a spaceship story
4. reunion: Itís a loving AIM convo, not a reunion
5. necessary length: Not short enough
Bad Ideas Good
Outer Space Does Not Make A Twenty Hour Road Trip With Your Ex Any More Tolerable
1. character(s): Starlaís a bitch, Adamís a bitch, and Harold died like a bitch. Also no spacenames.
2. plot: I donít really even know why Iím reading any of this because nothing happens. I guess the idea of burying someone on the moon is pretty cool but thatís all there is and I just canít possibly care about the dumb cliched characters.
3. spaceship: You barely describe the ship, but at least Bluebird is a cool name I guess.
4. reunion: Is this even a reunion?
5. necessary length: At least it wasnít super long.
You start this story with telling and it just continues a high dive into boring bullshit from there. Seriously, the only actual ďwriting ruleĒ and nobody can be bothered to loving follow it. Just because the telling is in an annoying nerdy conversational tone doesnít make it okay. The really long dumb annoying title is like a red flag that I should stop reading this story before the first line, and I wish I did. Seriously, your prose is competent but you need to use it to tell me a good and interesting story.
1. character(s): ugh this story
2. plot: is actually about mental illness
3. spaceship: and is really boring
4. reunion: and poorly written and edited
5. necessary length: to boot
Sorry, youíre not Cormac McCarthy, you need to use quotation marks. And also proper grammar. Then again, you canít even spell fuchsia right so how can we expect anything better?
1. character(s): Zakary feels like a fully fleshed character, which is no surprise. This is YOU weíre reading after all. Elena is good too even if sheís just a simulacra. And the Urchin, well, I want to know more about the little bastard, but I like what I saw.
2. plot: The plot is tight and thereís nothing left hanging over the edge of the rim, which is sort of upsetting since I want to know more about everything here, but especially the Urchin. You really did a doozy of a sci-fi setting here in so few words. The fleshiness and innovation of tech is loving palpable. I really, really want to know more about urchins and twins and so on.
3. spaceship: Yeah itís loving awesome, tell me more you dick.
4. reunion: Nice reunion, nice that you bring us back to when he proposed so he can braindump and prime the Urchin.
5. necessary length: Could have used some more words for just a TINY BIT more explanation, maybe.
I dunno though, this is kind of loving awesome with just the little hints. Itís the kind of thing Iíd read in Clarkesworld and then search for the dudeís actual novels so I could learn more about the world.
This is actually my pick for the win (sorry Benny Profane and Nethilia), too bad I didnít read it until just right now. Not like you need any more wins though.
Terrible loving week and I don't even feel bad anymore that it took me almost five months to post these crits and even read all the loving stories.
Martello fucked around with this message at May 28, 2015 around 08:43
|# ¿ May 28, 2015 00:11|
What? I was always 100% behind nethilia winning spaceship week.
For the record my immediate instinct was for twists story. On reflection at time of judging I agreed that neths was better.
Sorry, I mistyped and switched your opinions. Edited it for posterity.
Thanks for the crits thunderdad
unless you make me mad, then I'll work late and drink later
Martello fucked around with this message at May 28, 2015 around 08:44
|# ¿ May 28, 2015 08:42|
new rule i just made up: if 10 people emptyquote this, benny the snake, the legendary rulebreaker, is banned from entering the thunderdome ever again
|# ¿ Jun 3, 2015 10:07|
For the record, Benny, this will be the last time I ever acknowledge your existence. I did that crit so that others could see it wasn't just tyran being a big ol' meany. It was you writing a lovely story.
this but as a gender identity
but irl, this is also me
|# ¿ Jun 3, 2015 10:08|
loving lol this is so goddamn good
|# ¿ Jun 3, 2015 20:47|
i liked the part at the end where he says molefucker, and i like his last words because it felt like an action movie.
the real question: are YOU worth 3.33 etc bucks?
|# ¿ Jun 15, 2015 21:33|
I'm preparing a sweet reward for ACG if he wins this week.
Do you harvest
|# ¿ Jul 2, 2015 00:09|
|# ¿ Jul 14, 2015 14:08|
|# ¿ Jul 14, 2015 16:19|
I have spent a lot of time locked in a hot car, so I am qualified to do this.
are you someone's pet dog
|# ¿ Jul 21, 2015 12:39|
|# ¿ Mar 20, 2019 09:28|
|# ¿ Aug 20, 2015 10:07|