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Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


IN
(ugh now I have to change where my avatar points good job me)

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Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


Out of My Life
[1278]

http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=3071&title=Out+of+My+Life

Nethilia fucked around with this message at 05:07 on Jan 1, 2016

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


in.

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


Just because I saw this elsewhere:

Good definition of science fiction: “No, it doesn’t make sense, but it’s internally consistent in the lack of sense it’s making.”

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


Among The Stars
[1877]

http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=3178&title=Among+the+Stars

Nethilia fucked around with this message at 05:07 on Jan 1, 2016

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


INTERPROMPT

200 words about ballet slippers because I said so.

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


:sparkles: THUNDERDOME CEE-TRIPLE-X: Twice Told Tales of Magic and Sparkles :sparkles:



Guess what I love? Retold Fairy Tales. Read em, write em, put em in a stew. I treasure them when they’re well done. Ah, that last part’s the rub, ain’t it? Well done. So let’s see what you chucklefucks can do with old as balls story elements.

Pick a fairy tale. Perrault, Grimm, Anderson, etc.—you hopefully know the drat classics (and if you don’t you’re on the internet, so Google that poo poo). If you don’t/won’t pick one or want to take your chances with what I can give, I’ll pick it for you. I know some obscure poo poo. Once someone takes a story it and all its variants are off the table, so move fast.

You are to then take two to three (and no more) well known elements from that story and use it in your entry. So if you pick, say, Cinderella? You can pick the glass slipper, the midnight deadline, birds pecking the stepsister’s eyes out, mice, and/or many other things in the story. And don’t Disneyfy this poo poo. If you pick Snow White and write about some bastard named Doc or Grumpy, that’s fanfic and you can suck a poison apple rear end in a top hat and die. I want the semi-classic stories, none of this Tangled Frozen House of Mouse nonsense.

Things that are not Fairy Tales (including but not limited to): Epics, Poems, Myths, Just So Stories, Aesop's Fables, Fantasy Novels, The Wizard of Oz. Don't game the system.

And to try and get actual stories out of you like swords out of stones (bee tee dubs, that's not a fairy tale), your story must either travel in a line—be at a different place at the end than at the beginning—or a circle—end near the same place it started, but with some significant, detectable change.

No: erotica, GoogleDocs, poetry, fanfic, or funky word tricks that put the Head Judge’s vision at stake.

1550 words to turn these frogs into princes or these princes into frogs. Magic at the ready.

Signups end: 11:59 p.m. Friday, Jan 30th, Pacific Standard Time
Stories in by: 11:59 p.m. Sunday, Feb 1st, PST

Three Good Fairies:
Nethilia
SaddestRhino
Your Sledgehammer

Story Weavers:
leekster: The Bronze Ring
ZeBourgeoisie: Little Brother and Little Sister
Capntastic: Bearskin
Crab Destroyer: The Girl Without Hands
Ironic Twist: Vasilisa the Beautiful
Screaming Idiot: Jack and the Beanstalk
Pete Zah: The Wolf and the Seven Little Kids :toxx:
thehomemaster: King Thrushbeard
Djeser: Puss in Boots
curlingiron: The Golden Bird
Savagely_Random: The Emperor's New Clothes
SadisTech: The Dirty Shepardess
Fumblemouse: The Fisherman and His Wife
Grizzled Patriarch: Our Lady's Child/Mary's Child
hotsoupdinner: The Juniper Tree
docbeard: Godfather Death
kurona_bright: The Death of the Little Hen
Mercedes: Little Red Riding Hood
Drone Incognito: Hansel and Gretel
crabrock: One-Eye, Two Eyes, and Three Eyes
newtestleper: King Goldenlocks
Chairchucker: Aladdin
Benny Profane: The Steadfast Tin Soldier
Entenzahn: Thumbelina
A Classy Ghost: The Bremen Town Musicians
HopperUK: Sleeping Beauty
Tyrannosaurus: The Princess and the Pea
ExtraNoise: Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves
Echo Cian: Koschei the Deathless
Dr. Kloctopussy: Beauty and the Beast :toxx:
December Octopodes: The Red Shoes
Schneider Heim: The Goose Girl
Benny the Snake: The Lawyer and the Devil
asap-salafi: Pied Piper of Hamelin

Nethilia fucked around with this message at 07:46 on Feb 1, 2015

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


leekster posted:

I'm in.

Uh I'd like to use Beowulf. Unless that isn't fairy tale enough.

Not a Fairy Tale, that's an Epic.

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


ZeBourgeoisie posted:

In, and because I'm feeling dicey choose the tale for me.

Little Brother and Little Sister

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition



That's a novel, not a fairy tale. Roll again.

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


Capntastic posted:

It's a long fairytale.

It's a novel. Roll again.

Crab Destroyer posted:

In and requesting a fairy tale from a judge.

The Girl Without Hands

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


Pete Zah posted:

In with a :toxx:

Conjure me a tale.

The Wolf and the Seven Little Kids.

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


thehomemaster posted:

Me too, please. This one sounds fun.

King Thrushbeard.

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


curlingiron posted:

Ok, I'm in, hit me.

The Golden Bird

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


Fumblemouse posted:

In - please provide me with a tale to rip the entrails out of and wear in an unfashionable style.

The Fisherman and His Wife

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


Grizzled Patriarch posted:

In. Let's see what you've got.

Our Lady's Child/Mary's Child

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


hotsoupdinner posted:

In and requesting a fairy tale.

The Juniper Tree

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


kurona_bright posted:

I'm in for this week. Could you give me a fairy tale? :)

The Death of the Little Hen

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


crabrock posted:

chit me with chor best chot

One-Eye, Two Eyes, and Three Eyes.

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


Entenzahn posted:

in with peter pan

Novel. Not a Fairy Tale.

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


Entenzahn posted:

ok fine then just give me something

Thumbelina.

A Classy Ghost posted:

In, I'd like a tale assigned.

The Bremen Town Musicians.

Tyrannosaurus posted:

I goddamn love fairy tales. I'm in. Hit me.

The Princess and the Pea.

Nethilia fucked around with this message at 17:20 on Jan 28, 2015

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition



Since you didn't pic a fairy tale, I pick one for you.

The Red Shoes

Schneider Heim posted:

In this week, can I have a fairy tale, please?

The Goose Girl

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


:sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles:

Roughly twelve hours to sign your name in The Storybook of Legends~

:sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles:

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


Signups closed (three hours ago).

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


:sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles:
EVENING OF THE LAST DAY
THREE HOURS REMAIN
before the mountain closes and no more children get inside.
:sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles: :sparkles:

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


The Clock has struck Midnight, and the Ball is closed.

All after this are mere wisps. Several were caught and have been turned into frogs--more than expected. You'll have the results when the spell is properly cast.

Nethilia fucked around with this message at 08:08 on Feb 2, 2015

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


:sparkles: Thunderdome Cee-Triple X Results :sparkles:

After sleeping for something akin to five hundred minutes, the three fairies have come together and doled out your results. Behold or something!

Winner: In a magnificent historical moment around these TD parts, the First Entry has made the win. Echo Cian, your tale of love and time The Deathless has taken the golden crown and the blessings (and curses) that come with winning.

Honorable Mentions:
Dr. Kloctopussy’s The Appearance of Destiny, a story of aiding someone’s pain at the cost of assumed professionalism that made me smile at the end;
HopperUK’s The Shepherd's Daughter, a fairy tale all its own with good twist on the original design;
Crabrock’s The Leftover Girl using a strange story to make a story of powerful neglect work--with even proper AAVE usage!;
And
Entenzahn’s Make a Wish, the kind of original cautionary “be careful what you wish for” story that works in three parts and makes for good story.

Dishonorable Mentions:
A Classy Ghost’s The Bre Men was about as exciting as sewing nettle shirts by hand for seven years and just as painful;
leekster’s El Toro Delgado went nowhere and did little for no story and a weak payoff;
December Octopodes’s Scarlet Dance of Death was not even a tenth as clever as likely thought, rife with clichés and bad plot ideas;
and
kurona_bright’s A Fool's Errand saw the everyone’s dead ending that the original and decided that was the element to chew--which was not only not a good choice, it was a terrible one.

Loser: Savagely_Random, with Black Projects. With unlikable characters, a premise so thin I coud turn it sideways and make it disappear, and an ending I saw coming from ten miles away, I have never been so pissed so soon into a story. Seven League Boot to the head.

Oh, but before I step off, lemme note that someone actually got disqualified for plagiarism. Yes, Mercedes, enjoy your call out. Don’t rewrite a webcomic as a story . I didn’t see it, but one judge did and once it was pointed it out I got extra angry. Seriously, the gently caress.

Step upon the throne, Echo, and sorry about the heads on pikes and the entrails on the armrests. I’ve been in a terrible mood lately.

Crits for this week and Week 122 (nah, I ain't forgot) down the path.

Nethilia fucked around with this message at 20:29 on Feb 3, 2015

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


Yes, yes, week 122, crits for that later, for now you get off my rear end. I don't like my lack of 100% Crit rate any more than you do. Fairies first.

*~*~*

Echo Cian
The Deathless

Tale: Koschei the Deathless.
Path: Circle. Very clear in the first read.
Quality: High. A retold fairy tale that uses the elements and turns them around.

I started liking this story from the very first words and opening, and it just got better and better. Koschei doesn’t show malice to Marya at any point, and she shows none to him. As soon as Marya is taken by Koschei, they immediately start to puzzle each other out over the course of their time together. One of the little details that I just melted for was the part with her knitting him a scarf—needle symbolism--and the contrast of the scarf against his pale skin. It’s the little flickers of details of description that make a story very nice. (I got a crit once that said that I only described a character by the nails and it was the kind of good way to describe in flash fic, and that’s stuck with me. Much like the scarf did.)

“He didn't pull away, but returned it only hesitantly, a hare poised on the edge of flight.” Oooo, yes give me those awesome metaphors, that’s the good poo poo. I had to pick this line because it was just so drat good.

“Koschei kept her hand in his as though for the warmth he lacked as he led her inside and up stairs, and into his lightless bedchamber.” This sentence seems unusually long to me and took a few reads to get. I think it might have just been me. But again, the little details and flickers.

There’s a slow, natural rise of the affection they start to feel for each other in the shortness of the story. By the end they both have significantly changed and Marya not only shows Koschei mercy, but love, and the ending flows great. I remember in chat you said you wanted to be the first person to break the first entry winning barrier and while that in no way influenced my judgment, you were the one that got closest to what I wanted from this week. Brava.

You are: The Golden Ball in the Princess’s hand, precious and dear and kept well.

*~*~*

December Octopodes
Scarlet Dance of Death

Tale: The Red Shoes.
Path: It doesn’t look like it did either the circle or the path. Le Sigh.
Quality: low.

So you went with the film noir. Here’s the thing, homeslice. If you are going to attempt a film noir detective style, you had better do the drat thing right or it comes off as a trite, terrible cliché. And you went straight for the cliché from the first sentence. Things like women with leg descriptions and “trouble danced” and detective character alcoholism? Bartenders named Sam? Clichéd. So loving clichéd.

“I walked out and the funky smell of the French Quarter assaulted me. I took a few turns and then headed for an alley that's only seen if it wants to be. At the end of the alley I opened up the plain door and stepped into Gomorrah, the best little den of scum and villainy in town. I walked up to the bar and ordered a Bloody Mary. , (comma) Then I headed for a corner table comma and sat straight down.” The original is a bunch of "Blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah." Wordsplang, we call it here: A lot of words wasted. In this case, to get the reader from one place to another. Flash fiction requires a lot of quick, punchy details. Also, did you really do the Scum and villainy thing? Oh my gods, you did. I am so not impressed.

The original story had an angel motif, yes. But yah dun goofed, son. The way it came off here was much like “oh, yeah, should have something other than the shoes.” A Darkness verses Heaven war brewing, yawn, boring as poo poo. And the shoes getting chopped off—again, in the original they fit but here you seemed to have slapped that on as a last minute out of nowhere answer.

“I like the cliches.” YOU DON’T loving SAY. I’m not pleased.

You are: Didn’t the fox tell you not to go into that inn? Going in that inn leads to no good. But you did so anyway.

*~*~*
Benny Profane
A Man In Uniform

Tale: The Steadfast Tin Soldier.
Path: same as the original, a circle.
Quality: Middlish.

The story plot and the way it runs along the original is good. I love the opening a whole lot, especially the foreshadowing that comes with the line about someone burning the Box down. Don’t start a story “as usual” though. I don’t know these people or what they usually do.

There’s clunky sentence structure and it distracts. Learn to flow sentences and elements together. Example: “When he finally reached The Box, Jack stood outside the door once again. He recognized Stan, but now his expression was sad and a little bit sheepish, not angry. Jack did not ask Stan for ID and stepped aside so that Stan could enter.” Clunky and chunky. How to flow this? Example: “He reached the Box to find Jack outside the door once again; Jack gave a sad, sheepish look of recognition as he stepped aside to let him enter without asking for ID.” Much shorter, much more flowing, much better for this writing structure. Don’t wordsplang.

There’s a lot of tell in here that could have been shown. “Stan's injury was very bad, and the surgeons at the field hospital had to amputate his leg.” “Stan could not remember ever having been so happy.” “He knew that he might not escape, but Stan was not afraid.” You could have shown this and a lot of other parts a lot brighter.

It’s a semi-faithful retelling of the original story, but therein lies its issue as well—it’s a little too close to the original tale. The elements are lifted up and shifted only a little. There are so many ways it could have been mixed up a little more. As it is, it’s okay, but there’s a lot more that could have been done. If you do a lot less telling and a lot more showing, and don’t hold so tight to the structure, then you can work yourself up higher in the ranks.

You are: You didn’t stray far from the path, like Mother said. Alas, you missed the flowers on the side that would have added color.

*~*~*

Hotsoupdinner
Finding Marlene

Tale: The Juniper Tree. You already had it slightly hard ‘cause this is one of my faves. (I like fairy tales that end in karmic justice, what d’ya want.)
Path: Might be a line? It’s a very poorly drawn one.
Quality: eehhhh

A vampire pop star’s life as a singer seeking his “Marlene”, a woman he has missed over eternity, is a very interesting take on the original. The weaving in of the past details was nice--but you didn't give me much of it. There's a lot of babble about the life of music, but not enough into Sam at all. The story starts all right, but then drifts aimlessly like the MC seems to, like it’s not sure how it wants to go or how to get there. The best parts are the parts where there’s insight into Sam’s mind, his interactions with people that are shown. But you give very little of it and instead do a lot of showing.

“Sam sang a song of love and loss, of longing and desire. He sang of a beautiful woman who was unbearably sad. The song made anyone who heard it sad in the most exquisite way. It flew to the top of every chart.” Tell, tell, do tell but don’t show. That’s most of what this story is, a whole lotta telling with very little showing.

I was intrigued about him drifting away from the glitz and glamour, and towards the smaller venues. But then you drop that he sees Marlene in the back of a bar and then it ends. I got really annoyed at that. You wasted all those words before when we could have had more than a dropped ending. The elements are woven in okay, but the actual story is pretty weak, especially the way it goes on and on with a lot of incidental bits that could have been glossed over and then hits a wall and goes “that’s it, have your ending.” You could have offered more insight on Marlene at the middle, at the end, anywhere. More flickers of his past. A lot less babble. But babble you did, and it feels like you got to word 1525 and then realized there needed to be an ending and flumped over and it busted everything up.

You are: But the coal fell into the water and fizzled and died.

*~*~*

Savagely_Random
Black Projects

Tale: The Emperor's New Clothes.
Path: *eyes roll so hard they fall out her head*
Quality: *glares with the powers of Hell*

Oh lord, military, I hate military poo poo, will you do this right—nope, not a hope in the Nightmare of that. Nope, you just hosed that one up all over. Science! Budget! Gruffness! Crafty science! Gods drat it, this thing has more clichés than mud on a pig and white on rice.

“Hoffman chortled with glee[.]” I AM GOING TO DROWN YOU IN A BATHTUB AND LEAVE YOUR BODY FOR THE RATS. Hoffman too. He’s laughing and snorting and giggling all over everything like a jerk as if every action wants to give his trick away. He’s the embodiment of period cramps which I was suffering through right as I was reading this dreck. I am so angry at this story I can’t see straight and had to go do something else for an hour.

And of course, it’s a tank that only shows to the true people on the side of AMURRICA and the room is actually empty to keep his budget and it was all a trick but of course the military head honchos bluster lie their way through the whole thing “lol of course we can see it cause if we say no we’re liars” I should NAIL YOU INTO A BARREL AND DRAG YOU BEHIND HORSES. This this was predictable and terribad and annoying. This was a waste of keystrokes from start to finish. I saw the ending coming before I even got to the middle or halfway down the start. Everything in here is seen from a mile and a half away, like an atomic explosion gone wrong. Your military people are walking two dimensional blowhards, your scientist is a hateful stupid jerk who needs to be slapped in the teeth, the assistant is a two line shithead, and the whole thing reeks like unwashed bath towels on the floor. AND you picked your story too. So you did this to yourself so you can’t even blame anyone for the story path but YOU. Your story is bad and you should feel bad.

You are: going to be made to dance in red-hot iron shoes until you fall down and writhe in pain. Then you may feel half the rage I do.

*~*~*

A Classy Ghost
The Bre Men

Tale: The Bremen Town Musicians. Loosely.
Path: A drunken line.
Quality: *slams head on wall until she sees stars*

Oh gods you’re writing about a band. Oh god I’m going to die if you do this like I think you are. Oh gods above and below please don’t….

OH GODS YOU DID. I’m going to DIE WITH ANGER. The Bre Men (*long suffering sigh that lasts for a solid thirty seconds*) lose their drummer for plot reasons because why not. And then surprise! The old guy who’s been listening to them practice knows their set and can drum because of course he can. They take a road trip to the battle of the bands because of course they do. They run into a competing band that’s better known than them and they’re jerks because of course they are. They pull a bunch of shenanigans that no one ever calls them on, because of course they do, and the switch up works because of course it does. The old guy looks incompetent until the very last second because why not, and they play well because they do, and everyone is going to be impressed because of course they are. Nothing in this story happens except because of course it has to.

You write all this stuff leading up to them performing and it’s just dull and dragging and ehhhhhh. And the Throbbers, oh wow they’re super rude jerks, how very predictable, and there’s shenanigans. I read this one and saw very little to enjoy in it. Almost nothing happens and I can’t be assed (hah) to read it again. This is the opposite of what I wanted in a story.

You are: You threw the comb in your getaway, expecting a forest to spring up behind you and stop the ogre, but all you got was a comb so the ogre is going to eat you.

*~*~*

Mercedes
What I Do for Love

Tale: Little Red Riding Hood. This is one of my faves.
Path: semi line? Eh.
Quality: Originally, *hand waggle* Now that I know where this came from :argh:

Merc, Merc, Merc. You write for humor, and as a comedy piece this works lightly, because I know the humor style you go for. But at the same time this is one of my favorite tales so you were up against that, and I wanted to see what you could do and you half let me down. That being said, you more went for the humor of using the motifs for your comedy story than buckling down and doing an intriguing story with the story given. The cloak was less part of the story and more a toss-off line, which is exactly what I was hoping to not see in entries if I could help it. Every element felt was half assed. And that was why I’m making the =/ face. I know you can write non-humor pieces, you can write deeper works, and I kinda wanted one from you. My own disappointment in part. Also, dude, remember to italicize thoughts and brainspace. It makes it hard to read otherwise.

And I would have gone deeper into the crit, but I can’t. Any problems I have with the story and what happened don’t apply to you, because you didn’t write the plot. Rhino pointed out how this is pretty much another comic’s plot lifted wholesale. You have no idea how loving pissed I was—and not just pissed, but hurt. You grabbed one of my faves and my hopes rose because when you write well, you write WELL. Even for humor or amusement, you can do well and make things I like. But you didn’t write this plot. Instead of giving me something original you ripped off someone else’s work. It doesn’t matter if it’s a week, a month, a year, or a decade—plagiarism is plagiarism. You dishonor me and you dishonor yourself with that poo poo. Hell no, Merc. You can do better than ripping off someone else’s work for yours, and you know that and I know that. Sorry, not sorry one bit at how upset I am that you did that.

You are: Don’t dress up your one-eyed daughter and pretend she’s the queen. That’s a good way to get executed.

*~*~*

HopperUK
The Shepherd's Daughter

Tale: Sleeping Beauty
Path: A circle.
Quality: Pretty good.

“Once upon a time” Hee, you entry broke the pattern and was the only one (I think) to do the once upon a time start. That being said, that wasn’t a bad thing at all, and I liked how it worked. I wish that Agnes’s name had come up earlier in the opening before all the detail of her family; having it come up so close to the end of the first paragraph is a little jarring.

Rather than royalty searching, it’s a shepherd girl who more stumbles on the becharmed boy. Hey, fairies that are dicks! One of my favorite things to have in a fairylike tale.

It’s a reverse on the original story, which hella works for this. Rather than someone seeking a sleeping princess, no one is seeking the lost sleeping boy, who is more woken up by chance than by action. I love how Agnes finds him by chance, how she explores this abandoned hut, and even how Peter’s family doesn’t stay with him and it’s just him in the hut and what appear to be some incidental others—the candle, the mouse, etc.

My main displeasure with this story and what kept it from the win is how much is spent on the set up to get me into the house with every little bitty detail and Agnes observing so much of the still stuff, because it means very little is spent on Peter’s half of how he was cursed. His side felt infodumped more than anything, and I feel like it could have been more of a story told back to Agnes than how it went. A huge part of getting in could have been cut to give more to when Peter tells him how he got to where he was. That’s my main quibble. The ending is the perfect style like fairy tales do. Very pleased with this.

You are: A slipper left on the stairs to be picked up by the prince.

*~*~*


leekster
El Toro Delgado

Tale: The Bronze Ring.
Path: A line, but not a very good one.
Quality: *headdesk*

Okay, y’all, I know I gave you fairy tales but did I really ask for all these storyline clichés? Drag me under. You went with the “two guys are on a search for Spanish gold” recycled plot. And then made the whole story is about the trip there told in the most bland, piecemeal terrible action way possible. Why do I care why they’re searching for this boat? Why is there so much babble about nothing? The action is dull and trite—ooo, alligator fight, dull doubts in self, slog slog slog. Why does it take so long to get anywhere and then when we get there, it’s an unpleasant climax? Why shug, why?

“Are those gallon ships kinda like sail boats” no they’re like four quarts put together. There’s this thing called proofreading to avoid terrible grammar mistakes, you should really get in on that racket.

The original story is really intriguing—I hadn’t read it before, and I like new things. Then you took it and gave me this bull plap about people seeking a lost gold treasure and all this buildup to an “oh, so they got to what they were looking for” ending. I didn’t care about their journey so I don’t care about their success.

You are: You assumed the house was made of gingerbread and sweets, but nope, that’s cardboard and soggy tissues.


*~*~*

More Crits coming as I work on them. I'm actually care-critting for you guys, appreciate my work.

Nethilia fucked around with this message at 23:57 on Feb 6, 2015

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


THE BELL TOLLS MIDNIGHT

DING DONG AND poo poo

SIGN UPS ARE CLOSED

GO WRITE THINGS AND TRY NOT TO SUCK WHEN YOU DO IT

K THX BAI BITCHES

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


oh snap, I've been ordered by chat to get off my fat lazy rear end and get back to writing

IN with Ninetales.

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Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


Why Cat Has Nine Lives.
[1227]
Ninetales:


http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=3898&title=Why+Cat+Has+Nine+Lives

Nethilia fucked around with this message at 05:09 on Jan 1, 2016

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