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Crit of Killer-of-Lawyers’ story from Week 139Killer-of-Lawyers posted:Population Affairs This story was outright bad. There were many things wrong, from the big and small scale. On the small scale, I hated the writing style. There were a lot of words that did not fit the tone of the story. They just felt like big words to use big words rather than actually mean anything. I didn’t see a lot of errors besides that one I saw at the top, so at least you have that going for you. Another problem with the writing is the adverbs. Adverb sucks 90% of the time. I think it was Crabrock, or anybody else really, that said that adverbs should only be used if it describes an action in a way OTHER than it usually is seen. i.e. “he smiled happily” is useless because he’s smiling so of course he’s happy. You have a lot of useless adverbs and I put a strike through most of them. But the small stuff was not why you lost. Hell, I didn’t even notice the small stuff (besides my hate of your word choice). What I did notice was that I didn’t care about any of your characters and it wasn’t even close to a story. Chant is lovely. She stops everything in the story from going anywhere. She feels like a brick wall and as a protag that sucks to read because I eventually just stop caring about her because she’s the reason that nothing happens. And nothing happens. They just talk about things that happened, and then boom, over. It’s not even an interesting conversation, just two boring people talking. There is, technically, a conflict, but that conflicts never means anything, never really developed, and never resolved. You keep the truth hidden to the reader for some reason for almost the entire story, and while that may work, it usually doesn’t. And it failed miserably this week since it did the opposite of what you were trying to do. It made me not be interested in the story when you were trying to make me more interested by making me wonder why Chant felt the ways she did. Also, why sci-fi/fantasy? What was the point of it. I can kinda see why you made Chant a pixie, but then why an orc? What was the point of that? It’s just one of those weird things I don’t like about sci-fi/fantasy is they add in things that don’t add anything to the story just to be fantasy/sci-fi. It just feels like Shadowrun fanfict, tbh. This was just a boring mess. The reason I put that I was having a special look at character this week was because, IMO, characters are the most essential part of any story. I wanted to make you guys focus on making characters because I hoped that would make your stories stronger. It went… ok this week. Some people thought it meant not writing likable characters. But look at the other DMs, HMs and winner this week. The reason they were low or high was ultimately because of their character(s) (well besides SadisTech because of his strong writing, though there was some characterization in there that helped). Chant was not interesting nor proactive. She didn’t do anything in the story. She just sat there. Have your protags do things and then a story is born. The ending was also bad because it hints that there will actually be something happening but then nothing. It’s this thing I find with a lot of new writers doing is that they tell me the part before the actual stuff happens and then just ignore the actual action. I want to see poo poo happen. Show me stuff! Two people talking in a bar =/= interesting. Belated welcome to TD, please suck less next time. Also take the loving line crit when someone offers you a free one, christ.
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Apr 13, 2015 19:07
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hello there i am in
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Apr 14, 2015 07:55
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 Word Count: 843 Watching It All Pass By http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=3448&title=Watching+It+All+Pass+By flerp fucked around with this message at 03:57 on Jul 27, 2015 |
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Apr 20, 2015 04:11
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im a wizard (actually just give me a wizard plz tia)
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Apr 20, 2015 20:41
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 I am offering 3 line crits for anyone who wants them. Any week, any story, I don't really care. Also, placing a that these crits as well as the line crit I promised skwidmonster will be finished by next sunday (5/3) edit: 2 taken, 1 more available edit 2: no more flerp fucked around with this message at 18:25 on Apr 21, 2015 |
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Apr 21, 2015 07:03
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so you gonna redeem yourself by brawling me for real cache cab or you gonna back off Im sure a ~~~published author~~~ can beat me
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Apr 23, 2015 02:41
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1291 words A Brat’s Request http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=3491&title=A+Brat%5C%27s+Request flerp fucked around with this message at 03:58 on Jul 27, 2015 |
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Apr 27, 2015 03:54
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Here's my crit for newtestleper's story just because I read it so might as well talk about it. At first, I was really confused for some reason, but I think that's just the tiredness speaking. There were a bit of grammatical errors as well as some run-on sentences, as well as you mixing up the whistle with a watch. I did like the use of the whistle and its humming, and I also liked that it was discarded once it was used up, almost like using it for the spell sucks away its meaning. That's a cool concept that I wish was explored a little more in depth in the story (if that was intentional). I felt like when you explicitly said "cast a spell" it felt tonally off. You could just say you stopped the bullet without having to explain that it was exactly a spell. Characters were a bit so-so, I felt like you had the ability to explore Walter's life and your main character more through the lenses of his powers, and I was given little hints, but not enough to make me care for them immensely. Overall, I thought it was fairly good, some very nice words, a few errors, but overall something that was good and enjoyable once I actually remembered how to think. Also, i have a line crit for Dr. Kloctopussy that I offered in irc but that'll probably be up tommorow after i actually sleep. i just wanted to get newt's out before i forget and i also did it in-line because im dumb. flerp fucked around with this message at 09:30 on Apr 27, 2015 |
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Apr 27, 2015 09:15
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you know what gently caress it I read another one for some reason so i'll crit it as well. Wangless Wonder You seem to be trying way too hard for making your protag edgy and cool and that it just doesn't work. If it's supposed to be ironic, it didn't seem like it, and if it was intentional, well I didn't think he was cool, so w/e. The beginning was also kinda stupid, him just being expository for really no reason. It was a bit strange when you introduced the paladin because you said the man when you first introduced him, so i thought you were talking about the police officer but then it was another dude so it was confusing. I did not like the dialogue that much, kinda just felt like two people trying to one-up each other on what cool things they could say. felt like deadpool dialogue (ok tbh i never read deadpool but this is what i imagine it being, edgy and trying really hard to be funny but not working at all). it was also kinda weird how your paladin was like invincible or something, or that cop couldnt fire for poo poo. i didn't like the ending at all. it just feels a little deus ex machina to me and just fits with the whole "my protag is super cool and awesome and has everything figured out." it just wasn't satisfying at all, but I do like the idea of him trying to spread his sigil around and make it a logo in order to become more powerful. i thought that was p. cool. also, thanks ent, you're too kind.
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Apr 27, 2015 09:29
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Jay O posted:Six concise-crits left up for grabs, three line-by-lines, first come first serve. I'm down for a concise one, really curious to see how people liked my story
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Apr 27, 2015 10:59
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Example of a twist graph crit for those curious:quote:Morning Bell—Julie, Mon Cheri
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Apr 27, 2015 20:09
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line crit for Dr. Kloctopussy. Also I'm not an expert on grammar and style stuff but I just try to go with what I feel like sounds wrong rather, which may or may not be wrong. anyways: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Aalwcf-GFiL3iInDsCxPh_NKoyHx7OLO9tb1oI-f2T4/edit?usp=sharing
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Apr 28, 2015 02:07
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thanks for the crits Hammer Bro. and Jay O and a real big thanks to Killer-of-Lawyers for the out of the blue line-by-line, it's all greatly appreciated
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Apr 29, 2015 02:05
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i offer to judge this week unless it is already filled
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Apr 29, 2015 04:37
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guess judge spots are filled so im going to write instead
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Apr 29, 2015 05:37
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Crit for skwidmonster's week 139 entry Cornflakes https://docs.google.com/document/d/19UIXPGho6yGCMvDXMMRHcJ9Hon7UJBXvJ51bfsCXhek/edit?usp=sharing my other promised crits will be up sometime before whenever i said it was (sunday or saturday)
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Apr 30, 2015 03:28
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oh yeah i have one left-over crit from week 142 when i planned on doing a bunch and then i realized gently caress you all Capntastic Story starts out way too slow. It’s kinda interesting in what you're talking about, but there’s no action. The character doesn’t really feel like anything, just kind of a vessel for you to move the plot forward. I feel like you put a little too much stock in the whole rumors/truth theme and while it is interesting, it’s not enough to carry this story. I wasn't really feeling this story in any particular manner. It felt average, the prose was fine, the plot was ok, characters not really characterized, and it all kinda just happened without me really feeling invested in any way. Idk, it was just kinda there. Not awful but not especially compelling. A cool concept with the rumors/truth thing, but it can only carry a story so far.
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Apr 30, 2015 05:43
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hit me up with a perfume, none of them are really striking me as any good
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Apr 30, 2015 23:13
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Entenzahn posted:Attn wizard week toxxers: I promised you wizard week crits but since there's been a fuckton of them flying around already I'll instead give you the pick of any of your TD entries. Just let me know what you want critted. I'll probably start going through the list by Sunday so if I haven't heard from you till then you get your regular old wizard crit. i'd like this one to get a crit: https://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=3398&title=Don%5C%27t+Want+It+Anymore ty for that ent and also ty to meeple for the crit
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May 1, 2015 15:33
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Here's some crits for the people that asked (Entenzahn, newtestleper, Wangless Wonder) two weeks ago: https://docs.google.com/document/d/11cHxiht6RTSYEDjodldTTQsOrdne9oVu9ns4QSHL9rE/edit?usp=sharing Also, Wangless, I gave you an offer at the end of your crit. If you choose to accept it, I will do it for your next entry after this week since this came late and I don't expect you to change your story this week to fit my criteria. This will ONLY be applied for the next time you enter though, so if you gently caress it up, and will not offer it again. Make me proud.
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May 3, 2015 05:17
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Wangless Wonder posted:ehehehe finally my master plan of waiting till the last day to write the thing comes into fruition. I accept. thank you for the effort. alright if you're doing it for this week then i will give you a line crit if you succeed
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May 3, 2015 06:47
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My prompt: Old Demons of the First Class - We must have all the old demons of the first class, with tails, and the hobgoblins and imps; and then I think we ought not to leave out the death-horse, or the grave-pig, or even the church dwarf, although they do belong to the clergy, and are not reckoned among our people; but that is merely their office, they are nearly related to us, and visit us very frequently. Word Count: 1250 Everyone Has Their Demons http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=3523&title=Everyone+Has+Their+Demons flerp fucked around with this message at 03:58 on Jul 27, 2015 |
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May 4, 2015 03:12
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Screaming Idiot posted:It is for me. then write yourself a little note saying "i suck", stick it underneath your "hang in there" cat poster, and dont post it in the thread
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May 5, 2015 02:44
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in and give me a song also wangless you have succeeded and your line crit will come up when i get to it (end of this week at the latest)
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May 5, 2015 04:22
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Wangless Wonder here's your crit https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AnQhTH9OFpKZKBDUq9E3on4m01gxCD-65TweAv0Yvd8/edit?usp=sharing Once again, great work! I really did love your story.
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May 6, 2015 02:05
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spinning da wheel baby!
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May 7, 2015 20:31
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Prompt: Moldova 2013 Flash rule: Embody the Moldovan  spirit with pointy hats and over-the-top masculinity.)Words: 1310 A Million Things I Wish I Had Done http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=3545&title=A+Million+Things+I+Wish+I+Had+Done flerp fucked around with this message at 03:59 on Jul 27, 2015 |
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May 11, 2015 04:22
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Claven666, Schneider Heim, and Grizzled Patriarch you have all been blessed by the RNG gods and have earned crits! Also, hubris.height as the resident newbie you also get a super special line crit (that will be up in a couple of days because I have finals)!!!!!!!!!!! https://docs.google.com/document/d/12gKhz_78GieaGKvwCsTgX3mBdSrzAXZMO7fSGDQ96HA/edit?usp=sharing e: also quoting these in case people don't notice for some reason Sitting Here posted:I will do 5 crits this week. First come, first served. Quote this post if you want one. I'll try to have them done by the end of the day tomorrow. (this is not a request for a crit SH btw) Kaishai posted:The call for crits from all corners was so successful in Wizard Week that I'm going to try it too. The real fun of Eurovision is dishing about the performances! Why not read a few stories and share a few thoughts while you wait for results? flerp fucked around with this message at 07:45 on May 11, 2015 |
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May 11, 2015 07:33
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I feel like there is a surprising lack of crits, so I turned to my handy RNG machine, and it has declared PoshAlligator as the worthy soul of a crit! -First line feels a bit too long-winded for me. I know what you were trying to there stylistically but I feel like it went on for a little too long -I'm really not a fan of vague pronouns. names are really nice. I also feel like it's a mistake to do two long run-on sentences twice in the row. I know it's a stylistic choice, but I don't like it that much -setting feels a little vague to me. she was sitting below a rusty grater, right? but she's in a forest, so what's holding it up? -i do like the descriptions and contrast between the rusty metal and nature -motivation is vague, i wish I knew why she was out in the forest, why she was waiting for the bell, and why she is moving. also why did the bell ring at the beginning? -is this post-apocalyptic? there's a bunch of broken down buildings in the forest, but I'm still not clear on the setting -"She found it where she expected, in the grey, unassuming building with the wide warehouse shutters right at the foot of the black mountain." what is it? please, just tell me. don't hide things so much from your readers because it'll start to frustrate them -what the gently caress is this thing and why do I care? -god drat it feels like your intentionally hiding the details, which is super loving annoying -your object makes no sense because it feels like it operates on some rules that i don't know so i cant even guess what it really is -oh wait, it's a power box or something of the sort. WHY THE gently caress DIDNT YOU TELL US THAT????? -"There was a grinding sound, metal on metal, a few metres away. Something in the mist seemed to move. Metal rods sliding up and down, blowing the mist this way and that." - good use of creating tension -im not sure what this black stone is supposed to be? is it supposed to be darkness or a literal, tangible object? -ok i think the black rock is coal, but the way you use it some cases makes it seem like it's darkness -the action scene is pretty decent, but hampered by the vagueness of what exactly she's fighting. i know it's a thing in horror to not give loving detail to the monster because what the reader will come up with will be 100 times scarier then anything you could ever write, but it still doesn't change the fact that I need to know what is fighting her and why. the monsters just kinda feel there for no particular reason. -this story is just really, really vague. I'm not quite sure what exactly happened. So this character is in a forest and hears a bell, runs through a forest which also has buildings in, turns on the power, then ends in a cavern so she can ring a bell for some reason, but something invisible (i think? or did she just not see it) attacks her, but she's able to ring the bell, which shatters, but then she gets knocked out and wakes up again but the stuff before was a dream? or not a dream but she thought it was a dream? or some weird paradox cycle thing? clearly i'm not really sure at all. -even though the plot itself is vague, the motivations, which are more important, are just as vague, or even more so. Why does this girl want to do these things. what the hell is the whole point of this. i don't understand the stakes at play. what are these monsters are why do they not want her to ring the bell. wtf is the point of the bell anyway? -some decent descriptions, but just really, really vague in some of the details, plot, and characters.
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May 12, 2015 02:43
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im willing to judge this sure to be cluster gently caress
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May 12, 2015 07:10
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Just so everyone knows, I will not be able to finish up my judgecrits any time soon, so if you want my impressions for your story PM me or ask in irc which I will try to be in regularly throughout the week anyways with that out of the way in
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May 19, 2015 08:09
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Sitting Here posted:I will give ~evil flashrules~ to those who request them, btw you're probably not evil enough to give me a flashrule you coward
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May 19, 2015 08:32
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Overwined posted:As with houspainting and sexual acts performed hastily in public bathrooms, I belong to the Slop & Mop School of Thought. I believe in brevity (and I know how to count) but it's never good to edit yourself at the moment of primal creation. oh my god shut up nobody cares
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May 20, 2015 20:44
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hubris.height super sorry I couldn't get this to you sooner, i promised I'd do it a week ago, and then promised again that I'd have to you yesterday but then life got in the way so yeah, sorry https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MK7LZyUHkTyJ-wJ7KhXq4giYvlKwuYCULbxQbug9QgY/edit?usp=sharing anyways if any of you chuckle-fucks want crits from last week, I'll give 'em to you if pm me or talk to me in irc. i'm only doing ones for people who ask though because im very lazy
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May 20, 2015 23:35
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Ok, I'm just going to be giving crits for the people who are mentioned because pretty much for everyone else, your stories were middling at best and just barely better then the DMs at worse. If you did not get mentioned in the results and want a crit then ask in PM or irc like I said a million loving times already. Though I'm actually serious here if you don't get to me in a week I won't be able to crit you guys because I'll be out for awhile. So do it now, or risk never getting it. Let's get the show on the road first crits for people who asked: newtestleper/Work Experience You asked for me what I thought of the action scene. It was pretty clear, pretty loving stupid, but clear. I knew what was going on, though I don’t believe that your protag wouldve been able to headbutt someone and knock them out. Felt like one of those action movie scenes that don’t actually work in real life, but whatever, not the biggest problem. You know what the biggest problem was. gently caress you for that ending. Simplefish - I am under the impression that losers and newbies deserve line-by-lines so you are going to get one. Congrats!!!!! Your beginning: I’m not going to line-by-line your opening for leaving it all behind because it just had one big problem: it was just a dude musing for a little bit and then saying he’ll do something. This was an awful opening to give to somebody, because it didn’t really give the other writer anywhere to go with it. No conflict was really established besides a vague “i have to move forward” and the rest of it was some dude just saying some poo poo about how banks suck and his wife killed himself. Also, wtf, that isn’t light hearted in the slightest, c’mon read the loving prompt. here's the line-by-line in this doc (Jonked I'd recommend reading it as well): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vAIV9nZoN2rpc9mNbpQVJgDSV2oC1Pr9s9N69gS1Jxc/edit?usp=sharing Redtonic Your beginning crit for Ring Quest: Your beginning was definitely the stronger part of that story. You set up a clear conflict and establish character nicely, although maybe played a little too hard into the self-depreciating incompetence where it got close to being annoying. Your opening didn’t have that happen, but the ending def. did. Not bad. Ending for Sole Survivor: Space Janitor To be fair to you, I was the only judge that didnt have this an HM, though that’s more of a personal thing because I hate sci-fi. However, I did recognize that this was a fun, lighthearted story that wasn’t taking itself serious and that set it apart from the rest of this week’s obsession with being serious this week. It was good because it just fun story told pretty well and it didn’t work for me just because it was sci-fi. That’s just me though, so good work. Now for my crits for all the people who were mentioned. Well actually, first of all, for everyone this week, not just people mentioned, wtf were you thinking? The prompt said no emotional poo poo. And almost all of you gave us some emotional poo poo. Why did you think that was a good idea? Almost all of these DMs were because you missed the prompt as well as wrote something stupid. Like wtf. Also one of the HMs missed the prompt too but I liked it so  Also, just because the ending is the one that got the DM/lose doesn't mean that your beginning wasn't immaculate. Some of you idiots were still bad. DMs First up is Mercury Rising by Pham Nuwen and Benny Profane The opening and beginning weren’t that great, but the ending definitely was probably worst but they are close. First problem, this is sci-fi and I hate sci-fi. Second though is that there is no tension. The stakes are incredibly low since the protag already lost her job and it just being a single rover that could be lost. Then, the action consists of techno-speak that means nothing to me, and then everything works out and protag gets her job back even though she was the one that hosed everything up. This one we didnt talk too much about in the judge chat since everyone agreed they didnt like this one but didnt go too in depth on why we hated it The Fire and the Slave by JcDent and Jonked The big problem is that we’re supposed to care about the slave but he just kinda sits there and acts dumb. Then the conflict is kinda stupid, like he needs to get the shield to join the army but wouldnt the army give you a shield? Still, the whole plot hinges on us believing that the slave is worth keeping but the slave does nothing and the protag doesn’t even seem to like the slave so it doesn’t make sense why he kept him. Then a god shows up and gives him a shield that wraps up the story just way too nicely in the last portion of the story. It just felt out of place and forced. The Art Lesson by Fuschia tude and Jitzu_the_Monk It was funny actually. In judge chat this wasn’t nominated for DM or anything but we were talking and you came up and we all realized we all hated your story. I was the one who brought you up because we were talking about endings that said “gently caress you” to the beginnings and to me yours seemed like the best example. Honestly, your DM could’ve just come from that loving toy pistol thing because that was the stupidest thing I had ever read in my life. You were given a fairly decent opening that set up a clear conflict that could’ve been interesting (although serious) and then you took it to a sort of more humorous direction which might’ve been a good call if you had stuck down that route. But no, you have your protag kill herself and join some magic painting world. I didn’t care for your characters at all, and it relied on me caring enough about the sisters to feel any emotional weight at the end of this story, but I didn’t. You didn’t develop the sister’s relationship really at all, so the ending fell flat. Work Experience by Something Else and newtestleper Newtestleper, you know what you did. Don’t do it again. Birdy by Grizzled Patriarch and spectres of autism This just disappointed me. You had a great opening and I thought it played nicely into your strengths as a writer since the stuff I enjoy of yours are when it gets intentionally silly. But this went straight from silly to bat-poo poo crazy. Like he makes a flag out of his own skin and tries to kill government officials? I’m sorry, that’s too much. This wasn’t fun to read at all when it really should’ve been. Ulterior Motives by Jonked and simplefish look at the line-by-line posted earlier Thee Tends Well by Sebmojo and Fuschia tude this DM came mostly by taking a great opening and then making GBS threads on it for some reason. The opening was clear and fun and interesting and then that transcript came and took all the fun away and made me want to punch you in the face. You took all the momemtum created by the story to make a gimmick that wasn’t interesting and really just c’mon now. There was a clear conflict and a good character and you do nothing with it and waste my time. gently caress you for that. Very special did not get a DM but should have gotten it for his opening Chairchucker for the beginning of Trouble, Trouble All the judges agreed that you gave a lovely opening that made us hate the story it was in. Some of us wanted to DM the story but the DM only went to the last person. We toyed around with the idea of just DMing you, but crabrock decided not to because he explicitly said that he was only going to give it to people who deliberately wrote a poo poo opening, but he didn’t think you did. Either way, that opening was garbage and put dmboogie in a situation where he was forced to continue with your train wreck and I felt bad for him. He did the best he could, but still, don’t do that again. Loser spectres of autism and Thranguy since this was a loss this gets a line-by-line (also your a newbie): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vAIV9nZoN2rpc9mNbpQVJgDSV2oC1Pr9s9N69gS1Jxc/edit?usp=sharing HMs Sole Survivor: Space Janitor by dmboogie and Redtonic Look at Redtonic’s above What’s Left When It All Goes Wrong by Tyrannosaurus and Djeser Hello I was the one that made you get the HM this week. It was a tough one for me, because crabrock gave me the option to let me HM you guys cause I put you for the win, and I’m still not sure it was the right decision because it did miss the prompt and had faults. But at the end of the day, it had an ending that made me smile and hopeful and it was the story I enjoyed the most reading. It just felt good, seeing some kid lose what he thought was his life, and then have it end making me think that this kid’s going to end up all right. Sure, it was emotional, but it was still feel-good at the end of the story. It just had such a strong theme that I can’t not look back at the ending and just feel hopeful for that kid. Maybe it’s just me and I’m just a sap for those things, but it has this glimmer of hope. However, the biggest problem was that the protag wasn’t really doing anything in the story and it was mostly the dad that did everything. Despite that, I still loved it. Great work. Winner Mummy Got Boned by Djeser and Sitting Here As clearly demonstrated in why Trex/Djeser got HMed, you weren’t my win candidate and I didn’t even have you HMed. When I first read it, I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t really believe the end where he sort of just falls in love with the girl randomly. But on the second read I realized that it was just a fun little story about a horny mummy and a perverted cat. In a stronger week that wasn’t full of depressing poo poo, this probably wouldn’t have won, but because everyone else poo poo in the bed and you told something fun, you got the win. You hit the prompt the best and told a lighthearted fun story that I was happy to read, so I was ok with you winning. Grats!
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May 21, 2015 02:12
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sebmojo posted:crit mine plz boerniemh gently caress you but ok Your beginning: like I already said with Fuschia tude's DM, this was a really good opening. It was fun, lighthearted, set up conflict and character nicely, it was really all we could ask for in an opening and then fuschia just had to ruin it. Your ending: I really enjoyed this and toyed with nominating this for HM but there were some key problems (it didn't even matter if I nominated for HM by the way, crab and seafood were just meh on it [actually idk what they thought of it but they didn't want to nominate it], and it was too serious for it be a serious contender for HM). First, the opening you got was pretty good. The conflict was set up nicely and I liked the characters from the get-go, and you carried that along well. The reason I almost made it HM was because I saw a lot of potential with it, but it just wasn't quite there. The ending didn't wrap it all up nicely, I wasn't sure if she would actually listen to the spider or if she resisted it. I feel like you wanted it to be the former, but I'm not certain if I believe that's how it would actually go. It felt like the protag really did love her husband, so it needed to be more clearly stated her frustrations. I like the whole messy/organized thing, but it didn't come across that the protag was obsessed with being organized (she even makes a remark saying that the ghost has no creative energy because he's so organized), so the ending didn't quite make sense if she decided to listen to the spider. Though I do like the idea of a ghost possessing a drawing of a spider, that was pretty cool. I see the potential of a very interesting story if it was developed further and the conflict between the protag and husband became larger so it looks like the spider is more a manifestation of her frustration with the husband rather then an actual ghost. At least, that's what I would've liked to see. For what it was, I liked it and was one of the better stories this week. If this was fleshed out a little bit more, I think this would make a fantastic story. also blue squares posted:i agree crit Sebmojo gently caress you too
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May 21, 2015 03:24
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thanks for the crits Kaishai and Entenzahn
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May 23, 2015 03:51
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1255 words flash rule: Your villain has a heroic nemesis. He/she is also your villain's brother/sister! For reasons your villain was never able to get their parents to admit, everyone always liked the heroic sibling a bit better. Every Family Has Its Problems. Ours is Telepathy http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=3634&title=Every+Family+Has+Its+Problems.+Ours+is+Telepathy flerp fucked around with this message at 04:01 on Jul 27, 2015 |
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May 25, 2015 07:01
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in offering 3 line crits for people for any week 1. skwidmonster for gamble week also newbies and loser if trex has one for the previous two weeks (guts and bolts, enchanted hat, ska and screenplay, fausty, the brotherly phi, squirrel face) are also getting line crits gently caress why do i do these things for you asswipes? flerp fucked around with this message at 17:52 on Jun 2, 2015 |
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Jun 2, 2015 06:46
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Djeser posted:Take a gamble with Djeser's flash rules. Are you going to have to write about an egg? Only one way to find out. hit me
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Jun 3, 2015 01:20
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