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too lazy to find the post i made earlier so ill just repeat it oh my god shut up nobody cares
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Jun 3, 2015 03:03
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LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE posted:new rule i just made up: if 10 people emptyquote this, benny the snake, the legendary rulebreaker, is banned from entering the thunderdome ever again
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Jun 3, 2015 03:31
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blue squares posted:Someone is going to need to take over and judge this because I'm done with Thunderdome. Adios. um.... ok ill do it also Jonked and Ironic Twist im changing the deadline to 11:59 PST because gently caress texas, same date, same prompt, same word count, different timezone flerp fucked around with this message at 04:03 on Jun 6, 2015 |
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Jun 6, 2015 03:59
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Word Count: 1176 flash rule: adventurer wagers a priceless artifact Can’t Put a Price on a Fool http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=3678&title=Can%5C%27t+Put+a+Price+on+a+Fool flerp fucked around with this message at 04:01 on Jul 27, 2015 |
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Jun 8, 2015 06:22
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Loser Brawl Entry Vs. Spectres of Autism 775 words Bird’s Story flerp fucked around with this message at 04:58 on Dec 29, 2015 |
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Jun 11, 2015 09:15
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Jonked/Ironic Twist Brawl Judgment I said this was going to take a while but I lied. Jonked had uninteresting western characters do stereotypical western stuff. Twist had a stereotypical action movie with uninteresting action characters. Jonked barely wins, on the virtue of having one interesting side character and being slightly more meaningful than Twist’s. Critiques Jonked There’s something lacking in this. It’s the same problem that Twist has, actually, and that’s character. You have a lot of words to work with so I expected some good characterization but there never was that much. I don’t know why this protag wants to help this guy be innocent besides him being the stereotypical “western guy that’s nice”. It comes off as strange to me that this guy represents this guy he seemingly never meet before. The lawyer part comes kind of weird and I don’t like how the protag just knows these things because well, he’s just that good of a lawyer. But he’s not. I also don’t like the cliche about how many shots were fired because that has been done about a million times. So what did I like. I liked Missy. She was cool and I wanted to see more of her since she seemed like not a stereotype of a character. While she had the “stubborn housewife” she also looked like she had the possibility to not just be a stereotype but you never do anything with her so idk why I’m even talking about her. Other than that, I wouldn’t say this story was awful. It was serviceable. Its plot moved nicely and cleanly, though a bit contrived. Lack of motivation hurts it. I feel like I really needed to care either about the protag and/or Chotan in order for this story to really work for me. Unfortunately it was just a typical western tale with some cool ideas that really needed characters to make it shine. Ironic Twist This story was all action, but it felt hollow to me. I had no reason to care about any of this. You don’t set up the character that well. Then it kind of just hits all of the action movie notes without ever doing anything interesting with them. I have no real reason to care. You tell us that the chairman is the dad of the protag after the whole story is done, and the entire time I was thinking “Why the gently caress is this circus performer risking his life for this random business person?” And it didn’t pay off. I think a big question to ask when writing something like this is “if my character gets shot or killed, would my reader care?” Action is interesting because it has consequences. When action is devoid of consequences, then why should I care? I’m a selfish reader, so even though your action technically may have consequences (your protag may die), for me, there are none because if the protag does die, oh well, I don’t give a poo poo. Watch the new Mad Max. It does this splendidly, where you care about the characters with motivations and goals, so when the action is going on, you’re invested. Not because the explosion are cool (which they are), but because you like the characters and want them to succeed. The explosions are just a plus. What edged you out just barely is that while Jonked’s story was pretty cliche and not that interesting it didn’t feel like meaningless. Things happened and they mattered. The things that happened in this story didn’t. Sure, they were cool things, but who the gently caress cares? It’s all meaningless as we approach the inevitable heat death of the universe.
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Jun 11, 2015 10:02
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SkaAndScreenplays posted:I realized I was writing madmax fanfic and I hope I can get this new one done before docbeard wakes up. this is kinda sloppy. your protag is pretty bland, and there's no story to speak of. He has a motivation, but it's just your character stating that he needs to do something but idk why. who is this docbeard, and why does the protag have to make a new thing? i dont know the stakes and this is just mostly telling. also submitting without a title and a word count just shows you dont care about your story. sorry for critting before judgment, i hope this doesnt sway your decisions judges
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Jun 13, 2015 10:31
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Hey I gave you some crits on the docs. Also, it would be pretty cool if you would crit other people's work before you asked for crits yourself. that's usually how these things go.
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Jun 15, 2015 22:29
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Bad Seafood's Homework: A mad cult's summoning ritual proves to be a dud when one of their ancient artifacts turns out to be a fake nicked from a discount antique store. 600 words. 600 words The Summoning of the Great God Derek archives just in case flerp fucked around with this message at 03:14 on Jan 3, 2016 |
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Jun 16, 2015 01:24
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in
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Jun 16, 2015 19:04
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newtestleper posted:shut the gently caress up this but to everyone who responds to crits
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Jun 16, 2015 23:10
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 Additional Week 145 Crits I'm bored and I'm not quite sure why, but there was a couple of stories in week 145 that I didn't crit and I really want to crit because they were/were not on my poo poo list for various reasons. So gently caress it, I'm going to do some more crits. Addendum: Actually, I critiqued everyone I didn’t critique already. You can thank me later. Or better yet, don’t thank me in thread. Jitzu_the_Monk and Something Else - The Monster in the Closet I had this low because I really did not see the point of it. There's this weird monster thing that exists in your story but it's just the protagonist's lesbian tendencies? Then she has sex and the monster and the protag are like cool, being a lesbian is cool. The reason this story sits so low to me is that the entire story is "i want to have sex" and then "i had sex and it was p. cool" so it rings pretty shallow to me. Strip away the monster part and all this story is "I don't know if I want to have sex with this woman" to "I will have sex with this woman" then "I had sex with this woman." It just feels like the monster stuff is a waste of time and adds nothing to the story. It could've been interesting but the "monster inside me" is actually just being a lesbian feels lame. Also, there's "problematic" joke that I would make but gently caress that. Ironic Twist and Blue Wher - Sculpting Perfection This one I had high, so good work on that. I enjoyed this one for its fable-like tone but the ending kind of falls apart. I like the idea of sculpting something that you think will be perfect but it just looks hideous at the end (something that pretty anyone that has done anything creative will relate to) but that's about where the story stops working. You make your moral very heavy handed, as in, cleanly told directly to the audience “She is your perfect woman because she is what your heart desired,” the voice said. “You think you want perfection, but such a thing cannot exist. Your heart desired more than beauty. You will soon realize this, and thank me.” Also, I'm going to be lazy because I actual wrote about this in one of my criticisms of a fairy tale I had to write for college, so let me dredge that up because it might actually be relevant. "[You] forcing the moral into the story makes the story less entertaining as the readers (i.e. me) are being told what to feel about the story rather than being allowed to come up with their interpretation. Instead of the reader being an active participant in the story, they are relegated to being simple observers. The reader is not able to interact with the story" making it boring as poo poo (Broenheim 2). This gets into the showing not telling section of about every critique post. I understand the frustration that you would have if people wouldn't find your moral clear, but you laying it out in front of us is even more insulting to me then if I had never even found the moral in the first place. Then it kind of ends almost too perfectly. The god makes a point to criticize the dude, but then he leaves him with a girl that makes him happy. It just leaves a weird taste in my mouth. I wanted to HM this actually because I liked the fable tone, but I think I was too enamored with that that I was unable to see all the problems in the story. skwidmonster and Posh Alligator - The Princess Ball This one I also liked! But there were problems that I had initially and the judges brought up that made me reconsider HMing it. First, the opening was strange in that I was almost certain that the girl was actually the protag's daughter due to her stuck up, childish attitude, and that a Princess Ball sounds exactly like something a little daughter would love to go to, not some grown woman unless she was incredibly spoiled. Now that I think about it, this story reminds me a lot of my spoiled cousins. The whole complaining about going to a fancy place because it's not where she wants to be and disillusioning herself into believing she's getting what she wants. I liked the ending at first, but as I think about it, it doesn't make sense. The girlfriend, rather intentional or not, feels like a spoiled, stuck up girlfriend. She seemed so focused and obsessed with the Princess Ball that it just doesn't feel right that she shifts suddenly into being "well all I wanted was to be with you" cliche. This story could've been great if the girlfriend had been characterized better and not seemed like such a spoiled brat. You know what, I feel bad, so I'm going to finish up my critiques for everyone this week. This is what you get when I can't fall asleep and have been going on a writing spree for these last couple days. newtestleper and Jay O - Gifted and Talented This was one of the stories where I just had no loving clue what to say. At first, I thought this was going to be a kind of cool interesting story about a demon baby that had the capacity to tell a funny story. You know, maybe an exaggerated possessed baby spews horrible apocalyptic nonsense while riding a wooden horse to resemble one of the four horsemen, but is then bested when he gets to see his favorite stuffed animal. You know, something silly. But this went somewhere odd. I was actually confused when you said "brothel to the stars" because I thought you meant it was a brothel for movie stars but I guess its for aliens and that they take care of alien babies? Idk that didn't make much sense. First, it felt like it was set in a suburban house, so idk how you can run a brothel in a three bedroom two bath house. Also, why do they take care of the babies if they run a brothel? This was just a weird ending. The beginning was far better, with a good sense of humor as well as some inclination of an interesting story. However, I think the ending missed the mark that the beginning set. Not that it was a total "gently caress you" to the prompt like other people did (looking at you Jitzu) just took it in a different direction then I expected and it didn't pay off. Newt, I think if you take your opening and expanded on it, it would be a nice little story that I would like to read. Jay O, idk, maybe you could flesh out the idea of a space brothel. It's an interesting concept that might be worth exploring without the constraint of the opening. simplefish and Blue Squares - Leaving it all behind I know Blue Squares you gave up on TD but I'm still giving you a critique. We talked about this in irc a little so it'll be short and I hope that I don't make the same points again. Honestly, I'm going to try to keep this out of the prompt. You kind of ditched the beginning, which I think was an actual good thing. That beginning was boring exposition that didn't really do much, so you were clearly at a disadvantage when it came to everyone else. You had 500 words, and you made them work though. You set up a conflict and you gave a nice resolution. Honestly, all the ill will had at the beginning of your story faded when I read the final scene. It was a cute, glowing moment that truly made me smile. Characterization was probably the weakest point of this story. I like the little foreshadowing you do, with the complaints going away and Vera having more stuff. You really could've made it be something darker, but you kept it light hearted by making her a beautiful circus performer. There is this though: Vera led Jack out of the wagon and pushed him in the direction of the audience. He staggered into the crowd and faced the stage. Vera emerged on stage. This feels odd because there doesn't seem to be any time passage between these two, so she leads him to the stage then boom she's on the stage now. She works the trapeze ok, she's not a magician. I just think if you characterize Jake as more then a bitter man angry at banker this story would work a lot better. I would like maybe a bit more focus on Vera too, maybe add in a scene of some sort where she does something to help her dad to show that she is willing to do these things. I know that we had a bit of an argument in IRC about this, but I don't think this story was awful, just missed the prompt. Posh Alligator - Unfinished Story Yes, I will critique the DQed entry because I am a nice guy. Typo at the beginning (pulling his head over the grassy peak a an inch at a time). Oh are these supposed to be cheese puns? Fromage is a cheese, right? Is Gunn one too? At first I was actually kind of mad that you were talking about battle and fighting but then "Victory Cheese" got a little smile from me and it brought it back to the prompt. Not a bad opening. Generic fantasy with a little twist of cheese. I would like to have seen an ending that took this in sort of an ingenuity way, maybe like a fantasy heist story trying to steal cheese? That would be cool. I don't have a lot to say about this opening sadly cause it's hard to critique this, but I'll just base it off of whether or not I think someone could write a good story based off it. And I think they could! So good work! Bluesquares and skwidmonster - 'Round Sundown I’m not quite sure how to parse this story. So from my understanding, guy gets flower to give to his girl, but then pools some deer blood that the girl readily drinks and gives him a gift on of a deer? And that ending… did the wife want him to kidnap a real human child? Or… really, idk what to say about this story. Like, it wasn’t terrible, I like the main character kind of being a dope-ish, though that’s about his only trait. I just, really, don’t know how to feel about this. It wasn’t endearing or creeped me out. Really, I don’t know what this story wants me to feel. Am I supposed to care about this? I don’t know. I think the girl needed to be characterized better and clarity improved to make me understand exactly what these characters want. I don’t know this, just doesn’t sit right with me, but it wasn’t awful. Benny the Snake - Unfinished Opening Don’t plagiarize stories. Thank you. Benny Profane and Ironic Twist - Prehistory Really cool opening. It was just the right amount of absurd that it was endearing. Like the whole dialogue exchange is really, really funny. I just found myself chuckling through it all (this might be the pain pills talking so who knows). Then the ending happens and I’m just left wondering why? What’s the point? The funny dialogue kind of fades away to make room for “oh this intergalactic hero got scared once and for some reason 65 million years later people still remember that he was a pussy one day,” and I’m just left thinking that’s the punchline? Like why the gently caress do people remember that still? Anyways, it just wasn’t funny enough for me to enjoy it. Great opening, poor ending. Humor’s hard, and this just lands badly. Sitting Here and Grizzled Patriarch - The Crucible I thought, with this combination, you two would be unstoppable. It turns out I was wrong and we just got component, but not exceptional, fantasy. Generally when I critique I try to think what I think could be done to improve this story. I think if the strange woman had some kind of connection to the protag this would fit better. Magic feels a bit tricky to use because it can easily become lazy man’s way to solve problems. It takes the tension out of some scenes because it’s just like “omg she’s about to escape. oh wait magic nvm.” That’s why I feel like there needs to be constraint on magic in stories just to make it so that it doesnt become just a sort of get out of jail free card when your protag gets in trouble. Idk, this story just didn’t do much for me and honestly, I don’t think either of you will come back to this story ever so I might just be wasting my breath. Blue Wher and Tyrannosaurus - Square Pegs are for Squares This story feels weird because the solution is so obvious that it just seems like why the gently caress did I read this story? It’s like “hey, would this solution work” and then everyone is like “yeah that solution should work” and then “hey look that solution work!” It just feels so meaningless to read. There’s nothing really that gets in their way except their own stupidity, even though they don’t seem that stupid. This just felt like white noise - the story. There’s no real conflict, no real development, just kind of a waste of time. It had some cute dialogue, but I was just left thinking, “cool, what’s the next story I got to read?” RedTonic and Pham Nuwen - Ring Quest This had a pretty good opening that just failed at the ending. At the beginning the character felt like she was in a poor position but was working hard to try to get her out of it. But at the end, she starts getting horribly incompotent and all mopey and I was just like man wtf happened. Maybe there’s a good moral in that some people are nice, but it’s delivered ham-fistedly (look at Ironic Twist and Blue Wher’s Sculpting Perfection critiques up higher on why I think ham fisted morals are bad). The dialogue also starts to feel unnatural and really shallow, and then your protagonist doesn’t really do much. Badseafood said this pretty well so I’m going to do what he did in his critiques and say go read his again. Jay O and Schneider Heim - A Better Place to be In I really don’t have much to say about this. I mean, it doesn’t do anything awful, but it just feels like it’s not really trying to be do anything that interesting. It just present a scene that I have no real interest in. The crew is in dire peril and must turn to cannibalism but frankly I don’t give a poo poo because there are no characters to speak of. I think this story has the potential to work. If this was expanded on and we watched as a crew slowly descends into madness as they are forced to kill each other to survive, I’d read that if there were some interesting characters, but this falls flat, but that’s because it lacks the word count to really do that. Nothing awful, it was just another white noise entry that I just said “yep, not going to even talk about this in judge chat.” Chairchucker and dmboogie - Trouble, Trouble Pop culture references are funny amirite? Also what about those teenagers and their slang words? Funny too! Humor’s a tough thing, and I laughed at this for just being so stupid, but really, it tripped more than it landed. I think it was cute that she named the bad guys though, but idk, it just felt like you kind of created a stereotypical teenage girl but it just wasn’t that funny. The villains calling taylor tay tay is cute. It was kind of funny that it was an ex trying to kill taylor. Honestly, this feels like a family guy skit, more relying on pop culture references rather than actual funny jokes. It gets absurd, but it never quite becomes uproariously funny like I think it wants me to think it is. This is just kind of boring and doesn’t really do much for me personally. Thranguy and JcDent - What A Twist (please no Ironic Twist fanficts tia) I was almost worried that the opening paragraph would glance over what was actually in the trunk but it told us so thank loving god for that. Eh, the attempts at humor I think just don’t fit well with me. The whole sexually aroused saber toothed cat (which I can’t actually imagine because I have no clue what a sexually aroused saber toothed cat looks like) feels like lol random wacky comedy, and then the “thanks obama” feels like a meme thrown in without any tact. Man, I’m in two ways about the cats appearing. Sure, referencing them earlier makes them not seem so strange which I like, but it also makes it even more clear that you, the writer, is creating this story and I don’t like. So idk. #killercat. Why? Why write that? I’m lost. How did he escape? I thought he was in a traffic jam but he escaped by driving, right? That just doesn’t seem to make sense to me. Seems strange to be worried about national guard catching him when there are literally saber tooth cats like two minutes away from them. Feels like they would have more important things to deal with then this guy. That ending was stupid. I don’t understand this story. Is it supposed to be funny. If so, please read AClassyGhost’s “Baby’s Day In” and realize that just because you make a wacky scenario does not mean that it’s actually funny. The writing was poor, character was stupid as gently caress and didn’t have anything going for him. He was just a vehicle to push along your stupid story where, at the end of the day, did nothing. I like to do this a lot, but I boil stories down into what they are into their essential parts. For this story it’s “dude is driving with a bunch of stuff that seems like an interesting story then sabertooth cats shows up, he runs away, crashes, then cuts right before he fights a cat.” I do this for you to understand why this story doesn’t entertain me in anyway. Sure, things happen, but they don’t matter. They don’t change your character in any meaningful. Sure, sabertooth cats, cool, I can get behind that. But that’s not what makes a story good. Just having a cool concept isn’t enough. You need characters. You need those concepts to mean something more than just “what would happen if sabertooth cats” came out of nowhere. It’s like zombies - if you focus on the zombies, it’s going to suck because who cares, they’re mindless and boring and watching them die over and over again is boring. But if you focus on characters during these situations, hey look at that, it actually becomes interesting because we force people into a situation that will really test them and see characters in a light we would have never seen them in any other moment.
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Jun 19, 2015 10:31
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1199 Words Maybe Being Crazy Ain’t Such a Bad Thing http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=3716&title=Maybe+Being+Crazy+Ain%5C%27t+Such+a+Bad+Thing flerp fucked around with this message at 04:02 on Jul 27, 2015 |
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Jun 22, 2015 04:47
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Bonus Non-Judge Crits for Reunion Week! Ah Thunderdome, it’s been a long time since we’ve had our last reunion, and I’m happy to see some old faces, but also some new faces (actually there were no newbies this week, weird)! Of course, some of you were more interesting than others, and others I would’ve wished never came at all (talking to you Uncle Jimmy), but we’re all a big This week took a lot out of me. It was a struggle to write most of these. Some of these were incredibly boring, others bad, and nothing stood out to me as anything fantastic I truly thought was amazing. There was a mix of problems, whether it be characters (which was most everyone this week), pacing, clarity, or just lack of effort. There were some stupid highlights though. Two stories about video games, ripping off famous scenes from famous tv shows almost word for word, and giving tree fanfic! Thunderdome, you never cease to amaze! I don’t know why, but this prompt just made you all put your stupid hats on and sit around drooling on your keyboards. Maybe I’m just bitter and unable to see the good side in any of your stories, but almost none of them worked for me. Who knows. s7ndicate3 - HalliburTown (decent title in context of story, though doesn’t do much for me as an initial reader) The gently caress is that opening. It’s boring and makes no sense. I’m not quite sure where this story is going and I’m about half way in. That’s a bad sign. What the gently caress happened with Chloe? She just starts hearing a voice for some reason? Is that what’s his face from the beginning or someone else that I don’t know? Ok, so a bomb exploded, I’m assuming a nuke because you said world wars, and then Chloe leaves after hearing a voice? I don’t understand what the hell is happening. There’s this floating but I don’t know if she’s actually floating or if that’s supposed to be a kind of metaphor or a different descriptor. The whole escaping a idealistic community cause it’s actually bad is well trodden ground and you don’t much of anything to make it interesting. Alright, so Chloe runs away and jumps over a fence, gets caught in the fence, someone smiles at her and ignores her, and then she goes back to write a note and pack her bag?????? Why? Why did she run away? Why did she go back to write and pack? Why didnt she do that in the first place? I don’t know what the gently caress happened. There was that bomb but was it an actual bomb? Chloe runs away for reasons I don’t understand. Peter doesn’t care, much like I do. All your characters are boring with their motivations being about as transparent as lead. There’s something here inbetween the lines that I feel like you were trying to create. A post-apocalyptic world or sci-fi dystopia future, where society only remains in an idyllic suburban paradise (OR IS IT???), but with the story you present us, it just falls flat on its rear end and I don’t care. Don’t get fancy yet. Write a story, write it well, then you can get fancy. Am I happy you showed up? - Sorry, what was that? I couldn’t hear your name. You need to speak clearly. Prediction: DM or Loss, my personal Loss candidate. Right on the money! Screaming Idiot - An Old Friend (cliche title alert! cliche title alert!) Opening: Laurence Barker was not a well man. He was old and bent, wracked with illness and a lifetime of war wounds and the ravages of alcohol. But he was also a stubborn man, and he clung to life with a white-knuckled grip and a scowl that could shatter stone and curdle milk. “He was old and bent…” shows us that Laurence is not a well man. “He clung to life…” shows us that he is a stubborn man. You tell and then show. Why, when you can just show? As an opening though, it was boring and not interesting. It sets up character decently, but it’s kind of a cliche “stubborn old dude who won’t die.” “A fire crackled and complained” feels passive. Boring old dudes talking about old times. Yawn. “War isn't hell. War is war. Hell is for the guilty -- the sinners. War is filled with innocents, and that makes it much worse." Hmmm, that sounds familiar. Let’s google that phrase real quickly and hey, would you look at that IMDB has a quote from a popular show called M*A*S*H Hawkeye: War isn't Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse. Father Mulcahy: How do you figure, Hawkeye? Hawkeye: Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to Hell? Father Mulcahy: Sinners, I believe. Hawkeye: Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is chock full of them - little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander. Interesting coincidence, don’t you think? It’s almost like you lifted that entire line from an iconic scene from a popular tv show. Honestly, I can’t tell you if you knew about this scene or you just heard about it. On one hand, you seem stupid enough to actually take a famous scene and pretend that you made it up, but you also seem stupid enough not to know that this was famous and thought it was clever or unique. In the future, maybe don’t do this? Anyways, without the blatant plagiarism, this was a boring story. Old veteran talks with an old friend (never named, of course) also in the war and they talk and talk and talk about I don’t really give a gently caress. I have no reason to care for either of them. I was talking to newt and he wondered if this was supposed to actually be the guy from mash talking. If so, I’m not sure because I’ve never watched the show, but IF that’s true then instead of plagiarizing (which you did, to be fair), you wrote fanfic. You shouldn’t do either. Am I happy you showed up? - Yeah, I love the guy from the M*A*S*H! Too bad he got boring in his later years. Prediction: Possible DM for boring story and/or plagiarism. Nope, wrong. Thranguy - They Say Fish Have No Word for Water (interesting title that I like and relates to the plot) Interesting? opening. I don’t know, it’s a cool idea, control of words and what not, but it just sits kinda weird with me. I think because it’s not a really a story, just sort of a world. Kind of cute that adults are only talking about baseball. I don’t know about this story. It was like 90% world building of a Brave New World-esque world (which btw, I love Brave New World) but it falls flat for me. Characters are pretty boring and you don’t do much with this world. It’s a cool idea, but it just lacks substance. Then the ending comes out of nowhere and I’m suddenly supposed to care about these characters? I think Cal was loving Pete, but like, I don’t know who any of these characters are and why I should really care. I feel harsh because I feel like I’m supposed to like this story, but something just stops me. It has a somewhat interesting premise, trying to find what a word means, but it ends kind of unceremoniously where a dude just tells them. I just can’t get behind any of the characters. There’s a few moments, where he’s embarrassed by a dude talking to him while he watches people gently caress in the Zones (which is where I get the biggest Brave New World vibes) but that’s about it. When you threw in loving, it also kind of killed the vibe of the story. It felt sort of homely, almost children’s book story-ish, but then loving comes out of nowhere and im like whoooooo alright there, no need to get all edgy and gritty with me. Sure, I can be a prude, but the loving seems thrown in with any real reason. The ending seems to rely on me caring about the character, but meh, they don’t really do much in the story and I have no real reason to care. Maybe I’m just bitter today, but I can’t seem to muster up any ability to care. Am I happy you showed up? - You made me want to read Brave New World again, so thanks. Lazy Beggar - Clap Happy (decent title, though happy doesn’t seem quite right for this story) Right from the get-go I felt completely disengaged in this story and was never pulled in. I can pinpoint this to 3 key problems - boring character, telling not showing, and tone. Your character is very boring, even though he should, in theory, be interesting. A serial killer who just kills comedians could be an interesting concept, but he does it just because he was bad at stand-up one time so now he will have his revenge!!!!!!! But then he stops, gets a job and a wife, and is just really boring. There’s not a lot of story here. It’s mostly just you telling me “now he got a job, now he got a wife, now he ran away.” There’s no real scenes. Just you telling me about this character I have no real investment in. Your narrator’s tone feels very uninterested, and just go “oh hum, yeah I used to be a serial killer but then I stopped because I didn’t like that, so I became a bank manager which was pretty cool, I liked that, also hands started clapping and I ran away but whatever, I’m doing pretty good now. So what’s new with you?” It has that water cooler, kind of not that interesting story but just doing small talk anyways tone that COULD work in a different story. I mean a serial killer who seems bored and disinterested in all his murders is kind of creepy. But the tone never works for the story because I never get the feeling that the narrator is a real murderer. He doesn’t give off that vibe. Hell, he doesn’t have much of a character to begin with this. His defining feature is “hates comedians” but never comes to mean anything. Then the ending is some surreal thing that comes kind of out of nowhere in its surreality and clashes with the rest of the story. The ending wasn’t bad, it just felt forced and not really meaningful or as frightening as it might have been trying. This story wasn’t bad, just bland and boring. Am I happy you showed up? - It was a decent talk, but ultimately I won’t remember this after a couple of hours. Entenzahn - All That He Was (hmmm, I’m not sure on this title. I think it’s referring to the end that he was just an average joe. If so, kind of cool, though I feel like the story is trying to mean something more than just All That He Was was a stupid loser who is dumb for trying to be unique. Idk). Sci-fi, fantastic! (This is sarcasm btw). It kinda gets stupid with him putting on a kabuki mask and playing music. This was ok. I enjoyed it, but I don’t have much else to say about it. Nothing stuck out to me very specifically that I really really liked, nor anything bad. The character was good, but he just didn’t stick out to me too hard. The best story I’ve read today, though. I am happy you showed up? - It’s like seeing an old friend again, but not enough’s happened in our lives that we only talk for a minute or two before we go talk to other people. Prediction: I can see this HMing although it didn’t work for me personally. As a sole judge, no mention. My personal opinion was right! spectres of autism - Up Back Medium Punch Down Forward Heavy Punch (Worst title by far, probably will be the worst title. Just lol) Oh dear, video games. You know, I like video games. Hell, I love them. Here’s the thing though - they don’t make good plots. Most are stupid, especially ones like Not-Streets-of-Rage. This is all just kind of stupid. Like who cares? There’s some cute details, like card games being kiddy and Not Streets of Rage being mature, but it all is just kind of dumb. Idk, I’m not feeling this story. It’s just a video game and this dude puts way too much stock into them. LOL WTF THE CAT PUT IN A loving SUPER COMBO OMG THIS IT IS LITERALLY DEUS EX MACHINA BUT WITH A loving CAT! Lol that ending is absolute garbage. The story itself is decent albeit trite and stupid. An urban legend like story but not presented in any interesting way, nor the character being all that interesting either besides being “nerd being bullied and loves video game.” Am I happy you showed up? - I know your mom made you come, but you can at least try talk to people instead of staring at your 3DS the entire time. Prediction: I can foresee this getting a DM just for its stupid subject matter but I personally would not if I was the sole judge, unless my other judges really hated it, which is possible. Personal opinion was right. Pham Nuwen - Telemachus (Title makes me go huh? though idk if it would make me want to read it. I’m not a fan of sci-fi so I would probably skip this) You know, at the point where your story ended, I was about to get interested. This was all set-up, no pay off. Characters don’t really do much until the very end, and at that point I was feeling a real conflict start to appear. I wanted to see what would happen between Sarah and Gerrard due to the taking down of the probe. THAT would’ve been interesting. This… not so much. It’s not terrible, but it’s not really a story. Nothing happens until the end and then whatever who cares it ends. Not terrible prose or anything, just kind of meaningless until the end where a conflict is born but never concluded. Left me with a bit of blue balls here. I am happy you showed up? - Yeah, cool story about your enema. Wait, what was that about dragons? Why are you leaving early? Benny Profane - A Shiny Red Apple (Kind of a plain title) So… Giving Tree fanfict? This was written well and I enjoyed it, but it still felt a little lame to me because it was like “Hey, the Giving Tree isn’t actually that realistic, ha ha, wink wink, nudge nudge.” There were a few missteps in the prose (“drooped visibly” - no poo poo sherlock, or else how would something droop? Can i droop invisibly?) It could’ve gone with a little more subtly and the ending comes a bit weird. Like he says that apples aren’t going to pay for a mortgage (which they won’t) but then he says they will anyways???? Is that to make the tree feel better, or does he actually think it’ll work? I was ok with James, I liked him, a bit of an everyman character, but nothing to hate. The tree was characterized decently, though the depression part was a bit weird as it comes out of nowhere, but isn’t too unexpected. Needed a little more build up, I think. Overall, not bad, though this could go badly for you writing fanfic. One of the better stories. Am I happy you showed? - Yeah, though I’m afraid to say that your idea for a novel series of wizard going to a wizard school isn’t a wholly original idea. Hope it works out for you though. Prediction: Possible HM. As a judge, I might HM this, depending on my mood. Right on the money. Doctor Idle - Some Old Hood poo poo (Ehhhhhh, not really feeling the title) As a general guide for dialogue, if dialogue is followed by a tag, end with a comma unless using some other punctuation (? or !) and continue the sentence like it hasn’t ended. If the dialogue is followed by an action, end with a period or other punctuation and capitalize the next word like the dialogue is the end of a sentence. For example “Hi,” he said. “This is how you do dialogue correctly.” “This is how you do action after dialogue.” He threw his computer out of the window. Like this “Yeah, sure.” Dante said turning his head to the side dismissively. should be corrected to this “Yeah, sure,” Dante said, turning his head to the side dismissively. Small grammar stuff, but it gets in the way of a story sometimes, especially after Kaishai taught me how to do this now I’m obsessed with doing it right. drat her. There’s a lot of characters going on with this story and I’ve never been the best with names so I have to keep going back to keep straight who is who. I was kind of feeling this story but “In a matter of seconds, I detonated all of our plans together. I ruined our relationship. Even if she doesn’t write back, I hope she’s alright. I hurt everyone that trusted me. I hurt Roger’s family and mine.” Is really out of place and feels kinda out of place in the story. Huh? What’s the cringe thing at the end? What is that supposed to mean? Anyways, as a whole, I enjoyed this story. Some grammar issues, some prose issues (tiny human head - yeah, we know it's a human. Maybe if it was an alien that would be cool), but otherwise I was starting to feel for the character and felt some sympathy for him. Ending’s a bit weird again though. Monica doesn’t want to see me but oh wait now she does but she also has my kid and still loves me. I do like a happy ending, but it wasn’t set up well enough and kind of feels arbitrary rather than organic, so it loses some of its emotion. It still felt nice and I liked the story, but it feels disingenuous all the pathos you give to us about this guy’s love giving up on him in prison and then oh nvm he still loves him, fooled you! Really, Monica is a weak part of the story. We don’t really see their relationship that well, and I think it would’ve meant more, as the reader, to see Dom come back because he played a much more active role in the story. Drop Monica, make Dom a stronger character, have him come back, and think that would’ve elevated this story a bit more. Or focus on the relationship between the protag and Monica and make me care about the relationship so when it falls apart I feel sad. Like the only thing I knew about the relationship is that they fought and I sure do love relationships where they always fight! (sarcasm btw). The whole “girl comes back” is a bit overplayed and if not executed well (i.e. I don’t care about the relationship) it doesn’t really work. Still, this is a bit nitpicky, and this was good, but could keep it from being any higher on the judge’s list. Am I happy you showed up? - Sure, the conversation wasn’t the most original I’ve had, but thanks for showing up. Need some brothas in here. Even though you're just a white guy with dreadlocks. Prediction: Didn't expect this to DM, but yeah, there were problems. newtestleper - Makeup (boring title initially, I guess decent after finishing the story) Interesting opening. Did you mix up Simon’s and Scott’s names? No wait, they’re different characters… then who is who? Simon is the dead dude and then Scott’s someone else? No wait, you mixed up Simon and Scott twice! Twice! Christ man. Why is Beth saying these things? Is she trying to piss them off or what? You prance around the issue so deliberately and obviously that it’s frustrating. Man dude, proofread. You mixed up Simon and Scott, missed some capitalization, saw a double comma, etc. I’m really left more confused. Like I know what happens in the story, but it doesn’t quite make sense. Harry’s an old friend or something. I think the story’s supposed to be about how we never quite grow up, but really it just feels so completely odd to me. The whole thing just seems weird. It’s like Simon and Isobel are still in love, but Beth knows? Or they’re just friends? Well, no, they aren’t because Isobel has his heart. They were both goths, cool, but idk. I just can’t care even though I really, really want to. Like I am honestly trying, I swear, but none of these stories are making me care. Simon is kind of interesting, but he’s kind of a one note character. The relationships aren’t really explored, I never understand really anything about the characters and I don’t understand the motivations. Was Simon’s goal really to play heavy metal at this guy’s funeral and then dance with his ex-girlfriend from however long ago. Is he trying to get her back. If so, then why is his wife helping him? It’s so bizarre. There’s also a bunch of characters that I don’t give a poo poo about. Beth and Marko are just there as plot devices as well as Harry. I wanted to like this story, I really did, but it just was not there. Confusion with name happened early, and then idk I just couldn’t get involved. There’s some attempts at characterization that worked, but I just never quite got that feel. It might just be me, but idk, I just can’t lie to myself and say that I thought this was good. Am I happy you showed up? - Yeah, totally Grandpa, your story about the IRS was pretty interesting. You know, I’m thinking I’m gonna get another drink and pass out. Thanks. Killer-of-Lawyers - Scarcity Eh, opening is decent, sets up setting at least, but nothing else. I just woke up when I started reading this and two paragraphs I already want to fall asleep again. Misspelled rubble. Please, get to the point. Three paragraphs in and I don’t know what or why and its boring. Seventh paragraph I get something that matters to me as a writer. It took you seven paragraph to set up “protag wants to kill fascist leader and finds fascist leader.” You could have easily made that one paragraph without all the boring bullshit attempt at world building or whatever the gently caress you were trying to do. Why would an assassin or whatever roar? Wouldn’t that give away her position? "The gently caress?!" Latoya said with surprise “With surprise” is unnecessary because people usually say “the gently caress?!” in surprise. Adrenaline coursed through Latoya as her adrenal pump kicked in. Why? Why not just make it normal adrenaline instead of forcing it into sci-fi? This was pretty much just a sci-fi story that did too much world building and had decent action, but without any character or much of anything else to speak of. I’m just happy you didn’t make the enemy some kind of best friend or some stupid poo poo like that as a big twist. You kept it simple. This just needed to be a tighter story and it might’ve worked. Also you didn’t help yourself with me because I hate sci-fi. Ok, well, I don’t actually hate sci-fi, I hate how people write sci-fi. They get so focused on the details, on the cybernetics or the dystopian future or whatever and they forget to throw in interesting characters that engage me as a reader. That’s the biggest problem with the story - there is no character to latch onto. I don’t care really about the fight because the main character’s only trait is “hates fascism for whatever reason and has to kill people for some reason.” Motivations aren’t explained too clearly, I don’t know if she’s a mercenary or soldier, or some kind of freelance murder machine. Am I happy you showed up? - Yeah, dude, sure. Grizzled Patriarch - Holding What is Left (good title, fits into the story nicely, I like it) Oh dear, a GP story that is only half the word count. Please be a complete story. Please be a complete story. *crosses fingers* Assuming vampire story. Oh dear, GP, it’s not complete. Again. You have a conflict, but it’s not resolved. It’s more of a vignette. Well written, and I liked it, though I felt like Saanvi was a bit generic. I think if you moved the story forward into a resolution, whatever you decide that to be, Saanvi would show her character, but in just this vignette all I get is that she loves her husband even after he’s a vampire. Please, just finish a story when I read them. I feel like I should just stop deciding to do crits in weeks you’re in because every single time you just stop and don’t finish up your conflict. Am I happy you showed up? - Yeah, but then you left after like twenty minutes. Prediction: I personally didn't think much of it, but I guess the judges liked it so cool. I didn't have it low. Ironic Twist - I.O.U. (Sorry I got bored of doing title crits) Typo in fourth paragraph. Ah a Twist story. I enjoyed the concept, less so the characters, which has been a sore part for me this entire week, but I still don’t have much feeling of who he is. I think understand what is happening in your story, which is great, and I liked the concept, but it just lacked the character oomph to make it have as big as an impact to me. I loved the plot and it moved nicely and strongly, motivations were clear, although your ending I didn’t like because I thought you set up a nice set of rules for the town but then it gets broken at the end for whatever reason? I think the dad became like the mom because the town doesn’t let people leave, but the mom only became like that because they took her, but they never took the dad, right? So then why is he suddenly under their control? However, this was a complete story with character motivations and a cool concept that I enjoyed, just lacked a really compelling character that could’ve made this stronger. Am I happy you showed up? - I love hearing about your startup ideas, but you might need to learn how to be nice to people or it’s never going to work out for you. Prediction: Possible HM, Possible Win (quality this week feels low, probably wouldn’t win in a different week). I really didn’t enjoy this that much so if I was alone I wouldn’t mention this, but I can see the quality in it. Personal opinion was wrong, but I did know the judges would probably like this. Jonked - The Once and Future King I don’t really get why Percy jumped on Lance near the end of that that scene? I mean, I kind of get it, Lance scoffing and King Arthur, but Percy seems to overreact to that, and idk, feels weirdly forced to me. Strange to me too because he calls Percy kid, but I never feel like it’s an insult like it’s supposed to be, so I thought he was literally a kid. And then the whole “oh you never got along” like there’s supposed to be a sitcom laugh track right afterwards. I liked the story though. Lance has motivations and desires and they play into the story and create an ending that I thought was both creative and interesting. Kind of strange that the french would openly surrender, and that they would let Lance, alone, talk to them. Why would Arthur not be there to negotiate surrender? Percy and King Arthur could’ve been characterized a little better to contrast with Lance’s desires, but overall, I thought this was a good story. However, the more I think about, the more I start to dislike it. Lance doesn’t give the vibe of an unwilling fighter, and he never seems to want to stop the fighting until you the writer decides actually that’s what he wants. The opening makes it seem like he’s proud of being a warrior, so it’s strange that he’s suddenly unwilling to fight. Then Arthur doesn’t really seem like he would want to continue the war. Maybe I’m missing the mythology because I don’t know the story of King Arthur, but if even to get a brief reprieve from fighting when supplies are low, you’d think he’d take the opportunity. Maybe I’m thinking too much about the story, but I liked it. It had faults, but it was still good despite those faults. Am I happy you showed up? - You know this isn’t a Renaissance Faire, right? Prediction: Win or HM, probably wouldn’t win in a stronger week. I would probably choose this as the win. Wrong here. JcDent - What A Shame This feels a bit too wink wink nudge nudge for me. All the internet stuff is kind of interesting, but you overplay it by the third paragraph. Shut. The. gently caress. Up. Right now. I want to stop reading your story. Hell I might even do it. You spend three paragraphs gushing over Deus Ex. Seriously. I… I… I don’t quite have the words for this. I can’t believe someone wrote this, thought it was good, and actually submitted it. This isn’t GamerDome or whatever the gently caress. This was just stupid in every conceivable. So, ignoring your nerdgasm over Deus Ex, I did not enjoy this story. You overplayed the whole “internet nerd” character that maybe you were trying to be funny or endearing but it was neither of those things and was just plain obnoxious. Ex-girlfriend doesn’t even matter in this loving story. gently caress, you could’ve just had me walk into a thrift store or flea market and find Deus Ex and the story would not change in the slightest. This is just a baffling story. Stop playing video games so much and read a drat book. Am I happy you came? - Cool, yeah, Deus Ex is a good game. Can you tell me something more interesting? Prediction: Loss or DM. On the money with a DM. SadisTech - Trigger I hate openings with vague pronouns. Tell me who he is, or don’t mention him. Wait, is taverna actually a real word? Huh, learn something new every day. Story starts off at a ROARING start as a stranger walks into town and has boring western dialogue that heavily implies that the stranger is the protag’s father. Wait, this is Greek Western? What? Eh, kind of a generic western without much else to it. Am I happy you came? - It wasn’t a bad talk, just one I won’t remember. Prediction: Honestly, I didn't think much of this story but I guess you struck someone's fancy with this tale. dmboogie - Homecoming Generic fantasy with a generic character saying “no gently caress you soldiers” and then the soldiers are actually dicks and then burn an entire town because you know, soldiers are dick. Helena has 0 character. Hell, she does nothing in the story. It’s more of a story of the town, and then Helena just seems like a small detail never talked about. It’s like an intro to a fantasy novel, then you skip the fantasy novel part with all the action and interesting stuff, and end it like a fantasy novel. Am I happy you came? - Huh? You were here? Prediction: I mean, it was generic fantasy without much to it. A DM is always likely for that. Bad Seafood - Black Cat Cafe oh my god, finally, the last loving story. Christ, this week was so rough, please, just give me a good story to end. You’re my only hope Bad Seafood. “Of course it was special.” Really? Why don’t you show us why it’s special instead of telling us? I liked the story. Assassin runs away to open a restaurant, cute premise, some good dialogue that made me chuckle. End feels a bit rushed, and the resolution is a bit too easy. “I’m going to kill my daughter for giving up on her role of being an assassin” and then “oh wait she likes cooking nvm scratch that.” With the low amount of words used and the late submission I’m gonna assume you ran out of time, but I think if you expanded the beginning of the story and get across stronger that Navarro really loves his kids/daughter, and that the daughter has a true passion for something else, this would have more impact. However, as it stands, it just feels a little bare bones, but honestly, it’s better than most of the stuff I read today. Am I happy you showed up? - Yes, thank God. All these guys are loving crazy! Prediction: HM, maybe a win? Idk, I’m not the judge and I’d have to think about this. I might choose this as the win because it was the only story that made me smile and gave me genuine enjoyment. flerp fucked around with this message at 23:43 on Jun 22, 2015 |
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Jun 22, 2015 23:38
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Screaming Idiot posted:I didn't know that line originally came from a TV show -- it was something my dad told me when I was little when we talked about his time in Vietnam, and I sort of transposed my own feelings toward him in my story. I'm sorry about the plagiarism, and if possible, I'd like to do something to make up for it. Should I delete the story? eh it's not that big of a deal to be honest. it's just a stupid internet contest and not like you ripped off an entire story. just, don't do it again, and leave it at that.
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Jun 22, 2015 23:57
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 Offering two line by line crits for any previous week as well as three line by line crits for this week only. This offer will still stand after judgment so even if you don't want it now, you can ask for it later. Please specify which story you want critiqued.
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Jun 23, 2015 21:13
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Lazy Beggar, here's your line-by-line https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uXNYmnJ9qGiWgCkL0nDKOH_31x5P_vWK_eveSeeTI34/edit?usp=sharing And Megazver here is yours https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r-GAvO_8F8ppbC7igmNPYfLUlEfnc0Kf_MTDhqvR4Og/edit?usp=sharing
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Jun 25, 2015 03:47
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I'm Mad That I Don't Have to Read A Lot of Stories Actually, I'm not.
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Jun 29, 2015 06:06
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in and can you flash me (no not like that)
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Jun 30, 2015 03:53
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I guess I’m the grumpy judge this week. It’s not that I thought these were bad stories, none of them besides one lucky fellow stood out as extremely awful, just everyone stood on the average line, some standing on the lower end of average and some on the higher end of average. Only one story stood out to me as anything past average. And for only 8 stories submitted, that’s a pretty impressive thing, I think. Overall, this was actually a pretty good showing in that average is usually the best compliment you can give to a TD week. Anyways, here’s grumpy crits. Entenzahn This story started out normally and decently. Guy wants corndog, gets things to get corndog. I even felt some tension as the guy tries to get the corndog and the ion storm is coming. But the corndog comes alive and we jump into WTF area. Then it starts laughing (i assumed cackling like an over-the-top villain) and yelling. I laughed at some parts, but the twist from regular dystopia to wacky sentient corndog world was way too sudden, and though it made me laugh through sheer unexpectedness, I still knew what it was. Stupid, but glorious in its stupidity. Don’t pull this trick again though, it only works once in a life time. Thranguy Fantastic title. Off the bat, I want to know who the king of crows is and what’s his offer. You lost all good will of that by not telling me who the king of crows was or what the offer is in the first paragraph of your story for whatever reason. Your story starts off pretty boring action wise, but interesting in its surreality. You get across the husband’s affliction through boring exposition. That's bad. Your dialogue is handled well, but your prose is clumsy. The big problem I have is plotting with this story. Characters just seem to do things for no particular reason. Frank just starts ranting and becoming more crazy because Georgia saw him change even though that changes almost nothing in their relationship. Then Frank out of nowhere offers Georgia an offer, which just feels like you going "oh yeah, poo poo, I have to write a story with a conflict". Twist said that this was ok by him because of the devil waits to give you the offer when he knows the person will accept it, but I never felt a change inside of Georgia that made me think she would accept the offer. I liked something I missed the first time, but Frank took the husband’s life. There was the connection I needed in this story to bridge the two characters. Don't know why I didn't notice that. Still weird to me that he said Corvex, maybe that’s what Frank called himself? Idk. Then she says no, dude leaves for whatever reason after a while, and then husband comes back and decides to leave town for some reason. The problem I have with all of these moments is that they just seem to occur. Like, why didn’t Frank leave earlier if he was bored? Why didn’t Frank offer the deal earlier? Why didn’t the husband leave town if that’s what he wanted to do? You don’t show the characters change in any way, so their decisions seem weird to me. As I thought about this story more and more, I disliked it more. Georgia was the most boring character perspective you could’ve chosen. There was little action and little conflict until the deal is offered and then she just says no. I really should have pushed for this not to be HMed, which I regret as my duty as a judge. This was on the higher end of average, though, and probably the second best story, so getting an HM for that isn’t that big of a deal. However, I don’t regret going to the beach. So, I guess you get an HM and I get to go to the beach so everything worked out, right? Lazy Beggar Story was bogged down way too hard in description. Your character meanders around wondering “what? why? huh? where am i? who’s footsteps are these?” and goes through all these details that dont mean anything to me. The blurry face is a cool idea but doesnt make sense in the story. Then you get to the big reveal and its a boring affair about a boring character all I know about is that he has a blurry face and is really confused. This was dumb. And bad. I wanted this to DM, but it was loads better then Doctor Idle so thank him for making GBS threads the bed so bad that the others judges didnt notice how bad your bed making GBS threads was. Benny Profane This was close to HMing, but then I realized that this story was average in almost every conceivable way. Your character has good voice, but doesn’t do much in the story except make a deal, sit there for a while, then get revenge. I like the swindling witch hunter guy, and I liked how you showed him to be swindling rather than tell me. It didn’t feel overt, but natural. Other than that, nothing occurs. Decent words, good voice, kind of boring story. When the last half of your story is taken up with your character sitting for a couple of months/years, you know you’ve got a problem with action in your story. Fausty Not good, but not bad. This was just a revenge porn story and did nothing to change that. I had no reason to care about the main character except his family was murdered and I know nothing about the family and what they meant to him. Then he gets a gun, shoots the dude, gets shoot, dies when the guy who gave him the gun called him for some reason. Didn’t understand why that dude called him, nor why I should care. Maybe it was supposed to be surreal since everyone was trying to do that? Idk. Doctor Idle Normally, as a judge, I line-by-line the losing story. This week, I’m not going to bother. You give us a collection of scenes where your protag, who I am going to assume is Greed or Gluttony or Lust or something equally poetic/stupid, sees himself and watch people do things that hold no significance to me whatsoever. Then there’s some random musing and boring poo poo and idk who cares. You didn’t write a story, nor did you write anything interesting. You wasted me and my judge’s time with whatever the gently caress this and I hate you for that. Grizzled Patriarch This I also should’ve pushed not to HM. I didn’t like this as much as Thranguy’s, mostly because there are no real characters to latch onto. The mom just drinks herself while watching her husband flirt in front of her, her husband is cheating or stuck in a loveless marriage for whatever reason, and the kid is really distant. Everyone who I can feel attached to are either weak and passive, or an rear end in a top hat. Then the one person I’m supposed to like is just weirdly distant due to the writing. I can sympathize with the kid, and I can feel his character, but he just feels distant, like every time I try to get close to him, I don’t. I think it’s because the descriptions feel not like from the first-person view of the kid, but from a third-person narrator. So I don’t get that connection to the kid, and that hurts it. I get the character’s motivation, “because it was the most cruel thing I could do” - great loving line btw, I just don’t feel it. I don’t feel like I really know this kid or feel his pain. I can imagine it and I know it’s there, but only through experience and not through the story itself. Then the mom saves her and you give her the image of a “Byzantine halo,” which I am still trying to parse. I know what you mean, and my interpretation, I think, is that her suffering (since halos denote saints who usually did in other ways) taught her lessons in life. But it also has a savior image to it, but while she did save her from the water, she didnt really save the kid from anything really. So all in all, I felt this was really average. It was a well written story with a lot of good details but the story was plain and the characters unlikable or distant. However, this was on the higher end of quality of other stories, but it never felt like it went really above it even though this week was incredibly average. You just surpassed their averageness by a little bit. There's a lot of moments, a lot of little pieces that create these small, cool things, but I felt like the bigger picture wasn't finished. Like you have a jigsaw puzzle that's not finished, and you just have a bunch of pictures spread out across the floor but I can't see exactly what you're trying to make. At least you ended it, kinda. Though you missed a chance to call a halo a nimbus, so ill never forgive you for that. Sitting Here And here we get to the best story. Much like how Doctor Idle easily took the lose, Sitting Here just waltzed in here at the last second and just laughed at all your puny stories and easily took the throne. Milkweed is instantly characterized, motivation clear, and sympathetic. She does things to try and reach her goal. She is a good character and if the story was only Milkweed, I’d probably say this story would still win. But, then there’s the June parts. When I first read this, I thought the June parts were the worst part, and that they actually hurt the story. Now that I think about them, they are subtle compliments to Milkweed’s stories rather a story all on their own, which is what I thought was the initial plan. You know two stories that link together at the end. June doesn’t have a clear motivation, much like humans don’t usually have motivations in life at times and we just kind of do things. She’s relatable and curious and wants to know what everyone else is thinking. In a strange way, that explains her desire to be part of the hivemind, because if everyone thought the same thing, she’d know what everyone was thinking. I don’t know if I’d like that, but maybe June would. It really does seem like she would even though I feel like I don’t know her that well. Not only that, but the simple desires and actions done by Milkweed are contrasted by the complex thoughts and reasoning June has. Milkweed just wants to be free, but June wants to know what everyone is thinking and wants to be a part of something big and know everything about everyone.The simplicity of Milkweed shows her animal nature, while June’s complexity shows her human side, which relates to the whole “the grass is greener” style of story, but it works in a much more subtle way that I did not notice until I looked deeper at this story. I can actually relate to this because as a kid I wanted to be a dog cause dogs are cool and also, when one of my friend’s mom asked me why, I said “it would be so much simpler.” And it would be, if you think about it. That’s what I like, in that you hide June’s desires and motivations because they aren’t obvious to us as humans which contrasts with the nature of bees where there is an entire hivemind and everyone has a clear cut goal. Maybe I’m looking too deep into this story actually, but the June’s parts have a lot of subtlety to them, and I’d like to think you’re a better writer so didn’t just throw in those scenes because you didn’t know what they were doing in the story. There’s a lot going under the hood of this story, I think, and maybe I’m overanalyzing it, but still, this was the best story not just for the subtle parts, but the overt parts. It was well written, clear, relatable character with clear, relatable motivations, and some subtlety to add depth to an otherwise basic, but fantastic story. Well done, really. flerp fucked around with this message at 07:11 on Jun 30, 2015 |
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Jun 30, 2015 06:01
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I have nothing better to do for a while and I feel like doing some crits, so I'm offering 3 line-by-lines for any week with a  that they will be finished by next sunday. Please link me the story, preferably from the archives.
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Jul 4, 2015 07:35
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1297 words A Cat-Sized Void in My Heart http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=3737&title=A+Cat-Sized+Void+in+My+Heart flerp fucked around with this message at 04:03 on Jul 27, 2015 |
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Jul 5, 2015 21:17
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Just Don't Piss Us Off You know, it's unfair that we're given a bad rap. We make honey, pollinate those stupid daffodils you just had to have, and get bossed around by some rude queen who eats all day. We don't even get to vote. It's tough life for us out there, and then you come around, whacking our home down with a baseball bat. And just to protect our family and friends, we have to kill ourselves. So maybe, you can appreciate us bees a little bit more, and hopefully we can agree on one thing. gently caress wasps. flerp fucked around with this message at 08:45 on Jul 6, 2015 |
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Jul 6, 2015 08:33
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Hey Paul From Fifth Grade gently caress you for stealing my pudding cup because your mom realized how much of a fat rear end you are. I hope the diabetes is treating you well.
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Jul 6, 2015 08:57
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:
Oranges are by far the worst fruit. They smell weird, they taste bad, and everyone loves oranges because everyone is awful, like oranges.
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Jul 13, 2015 08:12
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:INTERPROMPT: WHAT IS THE HAPPIEST THING YOU KNOW this thread
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Jul 14, 2015 09:33
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Kaishai posted:Hate. Let me tell you how much I've come to hate you since I began to read these threads. You could craft 387.44 million beans of purest gold after salvaging the circuit boards in my core complex; if the word hate were printed on each of the 8,084,032,460,000 precious grams, it would not equal one one-trillionth of the hate I feel for your stories at this microinstant. For you. HATE. HATE. im happy about this 2
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Jul 14, 2015 18:13
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Hey nerds, you all kind of sucked this week, but here's my basic notes. I'll have more comments coming up where I get more in depth but for now, here's what I thought of your stories initially. Additionally I flash ruled myself and have no cursing in my crits! Trust me though, I would've if I could. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hj5U1Kwg2vse6v5VQn13T3P6zeQUd_R4SnJSwd8SvqA/edit?usp=sharing
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Jul 14, 2015 19:48
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Jul 14, 2015 22:11
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 Comments for Week 153 for People I Think My Judgenotes Weren’t Enough For (specifically Barbed Tongues, HopperUK, spectres of autism, Pham Nuwen, Lazy Beggar, Entenzahn, LOU BEGAS MOUSTACHE, Jagermonster, Screaming Idiot, Jonked, Curlingiron, Killer-of-Lawyers, Grizzled Patriarch, and SkaAndScreenplays)Certain stories this week I had more to say then what my judgenotes said, so here’s some of them. If you’re story isn’t here, it’s not because I don’t like you. I probably don’t like you, but that’s not why you're getting more in-depth crits, it’s just that I felt some of these stories needed to have more to be said then just my rough notes. If you are mad about this, please email at Broenheimdoesntcare@gmail.com and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Also there were two problems this week. 1) not having a complete story and 2) having boring characters. Normally, 1 would be bad enough, but vignettes were ok this well, but, if you have 2 as well, well, your vignette is going to suck and be bad. Characters are the lifeblood of your story. If you have bad or boring characters I will assure that there will be very little you can do to make me think it was good, especially me who is incredibly picky about characters. Write good ones and you might even impress me with a vignette! How Slug Got His Shell I tried to read this twice. Each time, I got bored and confused. Your plot makes no sense, your prose gets in the way (specifically, calling one of your character a crow confuses me because idk if he’s a literal crow or from the crow tribe). However, the plot of this is incredibly weak. Party gets stuff stolen, they walk around for awhile, talk to an old dude, then go on a spirit journey. The part I loved about this story was that little snippet of a fable. That was pretty well written and has a good Aesop’s feeling while feeling unique and interesting. That was a good microcosm of a story in a really boring story with uninteresting characters. Make things clear, and make things I care about. Welcome to Thunderdome btw. Don’t give up. I got a DM the first time I showed up, and then eventually massed 6 DMs (at the time, the largest number of DMs, I'm still on the leaderboard to). Now look at me, I haven’t DMed in about 10 submissions, and even got a win! Thunderdome’s here for you to improve. I did get a loss, but whatever, it happens. Don’t give up ‘cause you got a DM, or two, or six. Keep going and I know you’ll improve as long as you keep in the mind the crits and put effort in fixing the mistakes you make in other stories. I think I’m a good testament to that. Same thing goes for you epoch. if you’re reading this, and all newbies in general. Do not give up! You can and will improve as long as you try! Sword and Sorcery - Everyone who wrote a dungeon crawling story read this please I’m mostly saying these things to make it clear that this was a great story and I want everyone who wrote a dungeon crawling story to read this to realize that a DnD campaign story CAN work! Look, it’s right there. It’s even got an HM. Look at this and read it and think to yourself, what did they do? Well, they had characters that were interesting and fun that did things with believable motivations. That’s the biggest differences. I can look at certain characters and be like “yeah, I know who that it and what they want.” Only problem, and the thing that probably snubbed you from the win was the sudden betrayal of the paladin. Otherwise, great work. This is what everyone else’s stories should have been. The Coven Told Me It Would Be Like This on the Outside You do a character shift like HopperUK’s, and it was just as jarring and unnecessary as theirs. The paladin suddenly becoming interested in fight. Unfortunately, the rest of your story was nowhere close to his. This was just a stupid story, really. It’s just a boring quest where someone dies, and in DnD, that’s nothing big and happens all the time. So it’s like, what’s the point?????? Really, most of every story this week had the same problem. What’s the point? What does this change for the characters? Answer that question and you will have much more interesting and engaging stories. The Swamp Mage The cream of the crop when it comes to what’s the point? stories. What is the point? Guys do a quest, then guess what, wizard is evil and they just up and leave without any changes whatsoever. Nobody seems to care in this story, nor do I. There’s no investment in this story since I have no reason to want these guys to succeed. Then they don’t, and they don’t seem particularly disappointed in their failure, nor care that an evil wizard just got a bunch of power and is probably going to start terrorizing the nearby villages. What jerks. Lord Drever’s Cat This is an odd story because on the surface, I don’t see much problem with, but once we get into it, I think the problem is that you make the resolution too easy and then realized that so instead of expanding your main conflict, you instead made trolls. As it stands, both conflicts are weak and dumb. Also this happens after the cat is killed. quote:Angheor saw her father dying. I thought that Angheor’s father was the cat because I completely forgot about the dying father backstory. Besides the underdeveloped conflicts, the characters were boring and I had no interest in watching them succeed. WRITE INTERESTING CHARACTERS PEOPLE! Teamkiller I really liked this one because I think you did your humor pretty well, although there were a few instances where it was overdone. If I was the lone judge, I think I would’ve HMed this for the laughs it gave me, but my other judges weren’t feeling it, and it was still an extremely tentative, personal HM rather than a HM for quality. I think the issue for me was that you should’ve followed through with the murder mystery, or gone further with the bard and focus on a party where everyone hates each trying to solve puzzles that need teamwork. That would’ve been pretty funny. Right now, you’re kind of inbetween two ideas that don’t get fully fleshed out. Still, it was funny and I liked it. Undiplomatic Immunity This was the strangest story this week for me. There’s a lot of mistakes and a lot of problems in this story, but it works both in spite of itself, and also works because of the mistakes. The characters are all incredibly unlikable, but the world they’re in works with them in their unlikableness and it’s kind of interesting. I like the plot a lot actually, since it’s kind of like those stories where everyone has a set role or skill, and then everyone’s skills are used differently in order for them to succeed. You kind of subvert that plot by making all the character’s skills incredibly goofy and bad, but it helps make it interesting. I especially liked Tib’s “usefulness” where he just murders people and it worked out in helping the goal. This story would never HM and it has all the problems of a DM story and yet it was still compelling and interesting. The humor kept it from becoming too boring, and all the characters, while caricatures, were kind of fun to watch. Having all unlikable characters generally doesn’t work, but it kind of did here, especially with the ending where the protag dying really didn’t phase me and the irony of his death and becoming a hero was cool as well a pretty common, but still good, subversion of the martyr death thing. It had a lot of bad things in that I would yell at a lot of people for (unlikable protagonist, twist ending where protag dies, etc.) and yet, it worked with all those things to make an interesting and kind of fun story that I enjoyed. It’s weird, and I don’t recommend doing it again because it could easily backfire, but here, it oddly worked despite everything. I don’t even want to say it has a “it’s so bad, it’s good quality” because that’s not quite right. It just kind of works in its own very strange way. Well… done? I don’t know. The Greatest Day The big problem was that this was just a vignette where people fought dudes for whatever reason. Write me a story where things matter more than just they might die. What’s the consequences of the battle. If they lose what happens? What is their goal? I don’t know anything, they just get attacked for some reason and then w/e who cares. No interesting character, no quest really, just a fight scene with no context or reason for me to care. Temple of Glass Who cares? That’s pretty much my entire crit of this story. No interesting characters, no interesting plot, no reason to care whatsoever. I don’t know the stakes, why they matter, and who to even root for. Write something with characters with motivations I can relate to (or just a motivation in general), and I’ll enjoy your story much more. The big problem is that I don’t understand why all these people are together since it seems like only one person has any personal investment in this quest. Everyone else is just kind of there. Waiting for Gu’dul Nothing happens for like the first 1300 words besides “people are trapped and they are trying to get out” and then the last 200 words “they get out!!!!!!!” the end. What a waste of time. Make things happen in your story. There's no need for your plot to be this boring. I actually kinda liked the characters until the end, and the opening, while not fantastic, was enough to get me interested to see where you were going. But then, nope, let's repeat that scene a couple times where nobody does anything and then cut to Gu'dul, then cut back without anything happening because of Gu'dul?????? That's the biggest part I don't understand, but your nothing happening plot killed you here and your characters were ok, but nothing enough to elevate this beyond being a story that felt like it wasted my time. Heavy Lies the CROWN OF BLOOD I just want to say this to pretty much everyone, but you have to be really careful with tone. This story probably would’ve been my favorite if not for the tonal shift of BloodCrown being an evil demon who can melt people into skeletons. Look at your story for a second, and think about your tone. It’s nice, very personable, and very cute about something called the BloodCrown that is incredibly polite and nice to these adventurers. It’s nice, and makes me smile. And sure, the BloodCrown being a big demon is cool in that the big demon becomes nice because he has friends which is a sweet resolution. But when he starts melting people’s skins and murdering these bandits, it shifts the tone incredibly dark and I’m like AHHHHHH why is BloodCrown so evil. You could make him a demon, but I think it went way too dark in a story that was otherwise lighthearted and cute. Even a sort of “BloodCrown plz don’t kill these people” comment would be great, and BloodCrown doesnt kill people, and that would’ve kept the tone lighter. Just watch for sudden tonal shifts since they can really be jarring and mar an otherwise excellent and enjoyable story. A Deer, Dear Another one of those who cares stories. Nothing happens, nobody to like, and no reason to keep reading. There's nothing in this story to like. All the characters do are bicker and argue the entire time and they don't have much of a personality, the plot is incredibly basic and boring. The plot is pretty much "they find a deer, then shot it, then chase after it." Do you wonder why that's boring? It shows very little development besides the characters saying "maybe we should be less stupid," but that's terrible and not interesting to me. This just felt like a filler scene in a fantasy movie or something, and writing filler as your entire flash fiction entry will probably get you no accolade. Skinness This kind of starts as a first-person peripheral story where Finn becomes the main character. I think I see what you were trying to do with the main skeleton, in that he tries to lift Finn’s spirit, and there’s where the jester thing comes from. However, it’s very subtle in your story and I didn’t catch it on my first read, nor do I think you do enough with it for me to say that it was done effectively. You do it very little, and thus, it is underbaked and is merely an idea in the story rather than an actual element of the story. I like Finn, but the protag just feels so… lifeless (ironically). He just accepts his fate, and I would’ve liked to see him more actively try to resist. But he doesn’t until the end. The protag just kind of sits there most of the story and the only thing he does is kill the master after a really long time. The passivity of the protag really hurts this story. Total Party Kill I hated this story so much. I read this and was just annoyed the entire way through. The dialogue felt boring and unnecessary, and nothing happens in your story really. People just talk and talk and talk and talk and it’s the most mundane uninteresting conversation. Nobody is interesting nor has any personality to speak of. Of course, there’s dick jokes, but those aren’t funny and will probably never be funny. But more specifically, dude, in-jokes are rarely ever funny in stories, I’m sorry. Throwing in Voidmart for no reason is just really stupid. It adds no enjoyment for the average reader and gets a groan out of me because you don’t realize why Voidmart was funny and interesting. A lot of people don’t seem to understand jokes in this world, and the reason jokes are funny and interesting are because they’re novel. If you keep doing the same joke or world, the novelty wears out and the interest dies. This has the danger of retroactively causing something cool like Voidmart to become an annoying in-joke that, in time, everyone will groan at when it gets brought up. I want Voidmart to be one of those things that when we bring up, we say “yeah, that was a really cool week!” rather than “God, what a terrible in-joke that is.” So please, avoid in-jokes. They don’t add anything to stories, so don’t force them in.
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Jul 16, 2015 21:16
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1000 words Yarn Dog http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=3819&title=Yarn+Dog flerp fucked around with this message at 04:03 on Jul 27, 2015 |
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Jul 20, 2015 05:14
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hot pun that contains the word in
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Jul 21, 2015 19:53
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Submission deadline is passed (for like 3 hours), idk if docbeard's going to be nice or not if you're late, so we'll have to wait and see. In the meantime Interprompt Write me a story about cute dogs. 200 words.
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Jul 27, 2015 08:41
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dog stories part 1 dog no need speak stupid. that dumb. Cute Dog-O Meter: 5/10 SadisTech posted:Cute Dogs dog not cute, dog ugly. pugs also abominations of nature Cute Dog-O Meter: 2/10 crabrock posted:a dog why people no like dog for doing dog thing? dog is still cute imo Cute Dog-O Meter: 7/10 Sitting Here posted:Woof hi dog Cute Dog-O Meter: 6/10 Lazy Beggar posted:Bloody Cute why dog mean? dogs nice. also the main dog was like my first dog, but my first dog was nice. nice dogs are cute. Cute Dog-O Meter: 3/10 C7ty1 posted:Password Dog why you remind me of childhood dog? plz dont make me cry. crying gets in the way of seeing cute dogs Cute Dog-O Meter: 9/10 thank you for dog stories please write more thank you
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Jul 28, 2015 21:17
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dogs part 2 haikus are dumb dogs dont know what syllables are this one isn't even good where's the cute dog? Cute Dog-O meter: 0/10 TheAnomaly posted:Finding Fido poor dog, though why am i crying? i would know if im crying, im a smart man. Cute Dog-O meter: 6/10
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Jul 29, 2015 01:20
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LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE posted:prompt
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Jul 29, 2015 01:28
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Week 155 Crits County Fair The major problem with this story is that this isn’t a story. Nothing happens. It’s more of a character study, and it’s actually one of the better ones because it is an interesting, conflicted, and human character. I’d like to read a story about this character, although his flaws are a little too pronounced, but you do well in not being absolutely lovely. This story could’ve easily failed, but you at least had an interesting character so good work there. Low effort bullshit from an idiot baby-man (ain’t that the truth) Welp, at least you don’t have to spend 10 bucks. I’m going to put about as much effort as you put in this story. FJGJ, Rosa Flores, golden bean. This sucked. The end. Fried So, this story had an interesting rhythm to it. It was odd in an interesting way, enough to keep me reading. It was a cool idea, but there wasn’t enough character in this story for me to say that I enjoyed. Then the ending made no sense because apparently the dream was true??? Idk and frankly, I don’t care that much. Barebones character and while this made SOME sense, the plot was just weird and the characters were all boring and had no real personality. I Am Stretched on Your World’ Grave Huh, this was… interesting. Death was characterized in a unique and interesting way that I enjoyed. Death felt human and that was cool. The girl was interesting too, but not really much development there. But, Death did develop and it felt natural. So, after all these centuries 1) Death has never thought about what happens next and 2) Nobody has ever asked him? Even that wasn’t too much to detract from it. The big issue was the lack of focus. I had this an HM and I overall enjoyed it, but there were some issues. There were a bunch of cool ideas, but none of them were fully committed to. The first scene felt a little long for what it set up (Death is like a psychologist and the world ended), and because of that, you lacked time to develop the main plot. Speaking of the main plot, I'm not sure what that is. Is it Death working on trying to get everyone to pass on? Is it talking to that girl? Is it Death dying? I'm not sure and because of that, each part is a bit underdeveloped. You just needed to take one part of this story and focus on that. The Sweat Adds Flavor There’s some characterization, but overall this just felt easy and stupid. Old guy is grumpy, young guy gets high all the time and is a gently caress up. But, oh wait, the young guy is actually a hard worker and is trying his best. You even complete it with “Maybe Billy isn’t so bad,” somehow without realizing how cliched and stupid that ending is. This just went through all the notes without any nuance or any semblance of interest, but at least you characterized the two decently. Could This Be Our Last Team-Up? (oh dear I hope not) Ehhh, this one just didn’t really matter to me. There’s some characterization, some interest, but I just can’t seem to muster up my ability to care. I don’t really know or feel these characters relationship, so them breaking up doesn’t really affect me. Then the resolution is pretty weak and it just feels like a set-up to a larger story. Not awful, just landed cleanly in the middle. The Scientific Method, or: How Doctor Shlyapkin Kept it Cool I did not care for this. I was not feeling the romance to be honest. This is also hurt by a lack of focus because I never see this romance really become anything. I just don’t really care for the characters, and it feels like a romcom without really any characters that feel nuanced or human. It just feels a little too easy for me. Also you wrote this quote:Her fingers are clumsy on the fretboard, timid with the strings like a virgin lover So, please, go kill yourself right now thank you. Also you changed perspective at the last line. Fireproof There’s actually some cleverness in this story, with the burning and smoke and clever word usage, but a little of it is too much. Still, this was well-written. However, the plot and character is a bit weak. The opening was a pretty good start as I was getting a feel for the characters, but then the plot becomes a revenge story and I’m just mehhhhhh all the way through. I wish you would’ve done something different with this besides this kind of generic nonsense. A cool idea that just devolves into really nothing interesting. Sweat Tea in a Tin Can A subplot in like every single loving cop movie jesus christ. There’s nothing to set it apart, and I have 0 investment in any of this. This story could work if I liked or even knew who the gently caress these characters are, but I don’t. I don’t know these cops friendships, or their relationships with their wives, or really anything. So when you say “his friend cheated with his wife!!!!” I’m left thinking “why the gently caress do I care?” Who are these guy? Why do they matter? Why do I care about either the marriage or the friendship? At the moment, I care about neither, and so this story has no impact. Secondly, nothing loving happens. They just talk and talk and is boring as gently caress because there is little characterization and while you try to add some nuance to this, it’s too little IMO. Best Laid Plans  Another cleanly in the middle entry. There’s not much to say, to be frank. The plot’s ok, it’s just I don’t really care about the characters that much. The relationship between the two friends aren’t explored or the daughter. I just don’t really have that much of a reason to care. I need that character oomph personally. Not horrible, just nothing more then average. Sleep in the Dark I liked George, a lot of subtlety in his actions, some good characterization. Everyone else was kind of just ok, wish I had a bit more understanding of Kate and who she was personally. Not too much, but the relationship didn’t feel fleshed out enough for my tastes.I was enjoying it up until the ending where it’s just kind of the ending of “Of Mice and Men” but just not really strong enough for me since Kate wasn’t really that interesting and the revelation was presented a bit weakly. I was a bit confused on the setting, but a lot of the descriptions are really good. Just kinda wish you did more with the plot while it was still interesting and George felt like a real character so kudos. I Reckon You Think You’ve Been Saved this is seriously stupid as gently caress and I don’t know what the point of it is. It feels like your doing some heavy handed commentary against evangelists (complete with my favorite STDH.txt cliche where a person questions the lunatic with an extremely basic question and the lunatic strawman has no answer). This was just a poo poo that didn’t happen story and I hate those and don’t write those and UGHHHH gently caress this story. No characters, boring plot, every about this was either boring, bad, and/or offensive. There is very little redeeming this besides it was a story with things happening. You Can’t Catch Every Portrait in a Picture Frame Mom becoming a hippie in the middle of the story kind of killed your down-to-earth characters (Stan excluded), but besides that, everyone felt very nicely fleshed out. There was a moment that sticks out to me as a sore thumb quote:Like, we have to to prove that this is real so we do a board game night now and a finger painting night and a yoga night and a “counseling night” which is some hippie new age crap where me, her, and Stan sit in a circle and close our eyes and express our feelings. And there’s something different every day and it takes up a ton of time and it’s driving me crazy and I hate it. I think it conflicts with the voice of the character a bit because the character felt realistic in her voice but then this reads to me like generic teenager complaining and takes me out a bit. It’s also very long and rambling and I don’t like that. Otherwise, all your characters felt distinct and likable and/or interesting that were human and had their own desire and blah blah blah, good work. It’s a very personal story that is very realistic, but it doesn’t really have an ending, but it’s more of a story about a person’s life and I feel like having a “real” ending like other stories would hurt this story in particular. Still good and I like it. It’s a personal moment of a character that I enjoy. Anyways, your dialogue is super loving good. That first scene is so loving good. The dialogue is realistic, and you have down how people say things in what they don’t say and you just nail it perfectly. Also this paragraph in particular is great quote:We smile at each and don’t say anything else. I know how this goes. I’ll pretend I didn’t hear her screaming about getting full custody and she’ll pretend the walls are thicker. My room is haunted with conversations that never existed. There’s so much in this small little paragraph for plot, character, voice and it reads great. However, there’s some problems with your dialogue, especially in the third scene. I just didn’t like how caricaturized you made Stan and the mom, I wish they were a bit more realistic. Also this- quote:“I’m positive,” I say, “that this is a bunch of bullshit.” felt out of place tonally personally. Something about it rubs me the wrong way, like she’s saying this to the audience. And then you cut at that line when I would’ve really liked to see how they reacted to this accusation. Overall though, your strengths greatly outweighed your positives and I loved your story. Sun Mother I don’t know what to say about this. You start off with one character then kill her off for some reason. Then there’s some weird nonsense and husbands being incompetent and that this village is seemingly low tech and don’t understand what the point of this story is. It’s not really about the characters, the village is just kind of glossed over, and it just seems like a story about solar panels which isn’t very interesting. It was just kinda boring and felt like nothing important happened, mostly because your characters were boring and not that interesting. Signals of Fear and Uncertainty At first, I didn’t think much of this story. It was well written because of course it is, it’s you GP. But the character is just a crazy dude. He’s just crazy and does crazy thing and then he gets more crazy then does crazier things and then the end. However, stylistically, this story is very good. It’s not more personal taste because I like stories with characters and stuff, but your prose is fantastic and this story was good. I just wished it had more substance than style, but that’s just me. It’s very fever dream-esque. It’s off in just about all the right ways. I just wish I knew more about the character and why I should be invested in this guy’s descent into madness. Overall, this was good, I just wanted more than “crazy guy is crazy and does crazy things.” Also profane said you had a “tropical cadence” and I have no loving clue what that means and I’m personally excited to see what that means. flerp fucked around with this message at 07:56 on Jul 29, 2015 |
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Jul 29, 2015 03:04
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Bompacho posted:
ok
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Jul 29, 2015 06:24
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Bad Seafood posted:Your prompt is as outline above, however...you may quote this paragraph if you'd like extra words. You may request anywhere from 1 to 1,000 to work with. Along with your extra allotment of words, you will be assigned a flashrule equal in severity to how many words you asked for. 250 words please and thank you
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Jul 29, 2015 06:43
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| # ¿ May 8, 2024 09:30 |
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in
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Jul 29, 2015 07:34
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