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Alternatively, what's it like smoking moon rock weed?
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Feb 6, 2015 05:58
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| # ? Apr 27, 2024 18:19 |
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I've heard good things about the fairylane weed dispensary.
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Feb 6, 2015 06:14
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I hate when people steal my valor.
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Feb 6, 2015 10:16
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How come people never come up with believable military stories, like jacking off in a squatashitter or running into a bunker during IDF to find two Poles banging. Or really anything involving poo poo. In fact, any time someone tells an Army story that doesn't incorporate feces or masturbation in some way, I'm immediately suspicious.
psydude fucked around with this message at 13:33 on Feb 6, 2015 |
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Feb 6, 2015 13:30
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Mike-o posted:What's it like being married to Medusa? It gets me hard.
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Feb 6, 2015 14:24
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At JRTC. Someone is sneaking off to poop in the shower trailers on the FOB. We apparently are close to having 24/7 shower guards. Army poop story unfolding as we speak.
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Feb 6, 2015 15:13
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Aranan posted:At JRTC. Someone is sneaking off to poop in the shower trailers on the FOB. We apparently are close to having 24/7 shower guards.  I'm having bullshit flashbacks. gently caress you if you're still in!  
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Feb 6, 2015 15:56
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Master Bateman posted:
Reminds me of still being in, sitting in my office and my NCOs coming in to tell me some private did a thing and now they have to do other things and I looked up from porn for a half second to say "OK"
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Feb 6, 2015 16:36
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Aranan posted:At JRTC. Someone is sneaking off to poop in the shower trailers on the FOB. We apparently are close to having 24/7 shower guards. In basic we got back at another bay by making GBS threads in their urinals. I still have to wonder how they scooped out and got rid of our poo poo without a drill sgt noticing.
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Feb 6, 2015 16:41
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Aranan posted:At JRTC. Someone is sneaking off to poop in the shower trailers on the FOB. We apparently are close to having 24/7 shower guards. I was in the unit that would have pulled the shitter guard. In fact I was. It was 2am and we were sleeping. Everyone slept in PTs. Dude had to piss so he went outside of the tent WITHOUT FULL KIT to take a 15 second piss and him and his battle buddy had to split night shift shitter guard in full kit for the rest of our jrtc rotation.
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Feb 6, 2015 17:26
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Cole posted:I was in the unit that would have pulled the shitter guard. These stories are always so weird to me, we were in a 6 man team 10 km away from the airfield and were pretty much on an extended camping trip. No kit, PC caps on, drinking Squincher (or whatever that lovely gatorade powder they gave away there was called) by the 5 gallon jug, having the OCs bring us tobacco and MREs, dodging Geronimo helicopters, it was sweet. Even the OCs said we could do pretty much whatever we wanted because they knew redfor was absolutely nowhere near where we were nor were they ever coming, we could tell they were bored out of their minds and half the time weren't even ever there. Were people like, making GBS threads in the showers? Like just walking into the shower, dropping their pants, and squatting down delivering a nice heaping pile of doo-doo right there in the shower? Were there no portashitters? Why? Why would someone poo poo in the shower, a thing that provides them a comfort from home? It would be like making GBS threads in the oven of an MKT, what is going through someone's mind when they literally poo poo where they eat? Justin Tyme fucked around with this message at 05:23 on Feb 7, 2015 |
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Feb 7, 2015 05:21
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Because some men just want to watch the world burn.
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Feb 7, 2015 07:52
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psydude posted:How come people never come up with believable military stories, like jacking off in a squatashitter or running into a bunker during IDF to find two Poles banging. Or really anything involving poo poo. In fact, any time someone tells an Army story that doesn't incorporate feces or masturbation in some way, I'm immediately suspicious. Iraq, 2009. Taco night at the DFAC at Balad. Mission that evening. The driver of the lead scout vehicle starts to get bubble gut and requests a halt. He jumps out of the vehicle, forgetting to grab the package of baby wipes that are sitting in front of him on the dashboard. He does his business and finds that the only thing he has to wipe with is (for whatever reason) the cardboard from a carton of cigarettes. He wipes as best he can and returns to the vehicle. About 30 seconds later, the vehicle commander calls another halt because apparently you can't wipe your rear end very well with the cardboard from a carton of cigarettes. He kicks out the driver and tells him to use the drat wipes this time.
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Feb 7, 2015 08:50
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I've been in the midst of merging all my property with the commander returning back from Afghanistan and all was going well until we couldn't find one of the M88 chemical detectors/gid-3 for a Stryker. The mother loving thing costs over $12k and we had each platoon go through their vics multiple times. Finally, on Friday, my co gave me one more shot before he initiated a FLIPL so I went through personally and found that little fucker in the fourth vic out of 17 that I was looking at. Not in a hiding spot, but in the exact spot where it is always kept. The last thing I wanted to deal with was a FLIPL when I am 10 months away from getting the gently caress out of the army.
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Feb 7, 2015 15:06
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McNally posted:Iraq, 2009. Taco night at the DFAC at Balad. Mission that evening. Afghanistan, 2010. Dysentery was going around. Daytime dismounted patrol 5km in one direction. Had a guy duck off to take a poo poo about halfway to where we were going. He came back about five minutes later. We were walking back and he was complaining about how much his rear end itched. Let me digress: if you are on patrol with no baby wipes, you take your sock and cut it and use that as toilet paper. This guy did not do that. Walked about 7km with a lovely rear end in a top hat. Should have got a purple heart for that poo poo. We also had no running water at the time.
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Feb 7, 2015 15:12
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Cole posted:Afghanistan, 2010. Dysentery was going around. Daytime dismounted patrol 5km in one direction. socks are pretty effective butt wipers
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Feb 7, 2015 15:28
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Never start a story with "In basic".
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Feb 7, 2015 15:40
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Master Bateman posted:Never start a story with "In basic". In basic I saw a grown man shaving another grown man's rear end in a top hat. That's when I became gay.
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Feb 7, 2015 15:41
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I took a convoy of salute gunners from Casey to Seoul for some GO's retirement and that morning's monster plus the Korean garbage river scent wafting thru the light skin hmmwv's zip-up windows induced a bubble gut vortex of memories and emotions from all of past life food poisonings, morning sicknesses, vodka vomits, gallon milk contests, and the traffic was so bad I was about to bail and drop a bucket of brown blended pizza slosh on to Korea's fabulous highway transportation system curb, but the road kept moving so I didn't really have the option. It couldn't come down, my rear end in a top hat of steel shining bright after months of toning thanks to PL'ing in a mech unit (you know how it goes), but my body decided something had to give, so monster came back up and I puked out breakfast and all from the TC seat of the hmmwv while my driver did a and kept us inching forward at 5mph. Rest of the convoy got a treat to watch. We finally arrived 30mins later and parked somewhere in Yongsan and I beat feet to the closest building with plumbing (never a guarantee in Korea) and it was some poor Korean mil/gov fire station with open bay doors I just plowed right thru. No wonder they hate us.
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Feb 7, 2015 17:30
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My roommate at Bragg once got a massive nasty whitehead pimple/blister in his rear end crack after a 20k ruckmarch. Bitched about it for days before finally breaking down and begging me to lance it for him.  I agreed to do it for $50 and out of sheer pity but I probably should have looked at it first. Holy Mother of GOD! I've made a HUGE mistake!  That poo poo probably required trained professional medical attention. Poked that bulging abomination with a white hot sewing needle then clamped down in it with my leatherman. Looked like what I can only imagine first time prison rape looks like. rear end crack dripping with blood streaked with white pus and pimplegoo. That poo poo was the most horrid, scarred for life, PTSD inducing poo poo I ever did in the Army.
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Feb 7, 2015 20:00
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In my professional medical opinion, you should've recorded that, it sounds awesome.
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Feb 7, 2015 20:23
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Jody Tocroach posted:My roommate at Bragg once got a massive nasty whitehead pimple/blister in his rear end crack after a 20k ruckmarch. Bitched about it for days before finally breaking down and begging me to lance it for him. Best post in any Army thread ever
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Feb 8, 2015 00:01
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I have a brief story about a flashlight. Our unit (4/1ID) was replacing 3/25 in iraq in '09 at spiecher. I'm in the JNN doing some stuff, and my satcom guy comes into the shelter and hands me this surefire that he found in the STT. He seems to think it belongs to me, but I'm pretty sure it belonged to one of the 25th ID dudes, but w/e, free flashlight. So I used that thing almost every day(night) to walk back to the CHUs after my shift so that I don't bust my ankle on a rock or something(tm). One night, coming off shift, I stop by the porta shitter to relieve myself. You had to kinda juggle dropping your trousers, situating your rifle somewhere, putting your assault pack somewhere etc IOT drop a deuce. In the midst of that process, my surefire (still on) falls into the blue water. My heart sinks. Between the choice of having to buy another loving flashlight and wandering around in the darkness in the interim, or confronting the horrors that lie in that blue water to retrieve my (still shining) flashlight, I opted to retrieve it. gently caress buying a flashlight, those things are expensive man. So I sucked it up and fished it out of there, dousing it with as much isopropanol as I could find. but I still have that flashlight. and it still works.  not as compelling a story as:  but there you have it.
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Feb 8, 2015 01:01
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Feb 8, 2015 01:18
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cmdrpinky posted:I have a brief story about a flashlight. You're gross.
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Feb 8, 2015 01:32
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I'm well aware.
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Feb 8, 2015 01:38
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what a lovely flashlight
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Feb 8, 2015 02:08
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well then.
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Feb 8, 2015 02:26
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That took guts Lost a glove in the blue water and was like "well i guess my hands are gonna freeze for the rest of this field problem"
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Feb 8, 2015 02:57
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My poop story comes from my first or second week in Italy. My platoon went on a run to Berico, my first run up that godforsaken hill. However, before we made it there, one of the guys decided that he really, really needed to take a poo poo. So, after going through the field right before hitting town, he goes underneath the bridge and takes a massive, greasy poo poo, the type that I can only assume comes from too much kebab and beer. Sacrificed both of his socks wiping that one away. Got a few weird looks from the drivers when he came up from under the bridge, but drat if he didn't run faster the rest of the way afterwards.
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Feb 8, 2015 04:59
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My squad leader in Italy had terrible irritable bowel problems, was constantly making GBS threads on runs. That dude dropped deuces in the fields of Jurassic Park, some lawn halfway up Berico when the church-y stuff starts in earnest, all over Goat Trail, just everywhere. So awkward but I was always thankful for the opportunity to catch my breath since that guy could also run.
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Feb 8, 2015 05:11
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This is the best Army thread in years.
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Feb 8, 2015 18:38
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Gather round lads, for I, too, have a poo poo story. Anyone who has been deployed to a big city will tell you not to eat the local vegetables. Chances are they were grown using the highest quality human poo poo that run-off sewage can buy. I didn't go outside the wire all that often, but even I knew not to eat anything that wasn't cooked. Well, one day I get tasked to go out with a squad and make the rounds at whatever lovely IP stations they happened to be visiting that day. A good buddy of mine was in this squad. If you've ever watched Iraqis eat, you know it isn't the most hygenic way to share a meal. Disease spreads easy when you've got no running water and everyone shits in a backed-up hole in the ground with no toilet paper. They go to town on that poo poo with their hands in a way that would make a fat girl wet. We'd eat what they'd offer us, but tried to avoid eating after the communal food orgy because that poo poo's nasty and probably covered with buttbutter by the time they're done with it. Well, buddy must have been feeling adventurous that morning, because he went all in on that meal. After awhile of dicking around we move on to the next round of stations, and as the day goes on buddy ain't feeling too good. Starts to get the bubble guts. I can't blame him for trying to hold it. I certainly wouldn't want to poo poo in those nasty loving holes unless I had to. So hold it he did, all the way back to the FOB. Once we pull in to the gate of our lovely little sub-compound and the TC dismounts to ground guide, buddy ninja-flips by the gunner and the radio mount and out the TC door. I have never seen a human being move with such beautiful agility in full kit before or since. He makes a bee-line to the shitter trailer and slams the door behind him. The great thing about being in HQ platoon is that after you get back in, you're done. No breaking down weapons or TOC debriefs or any of that bullshit. I drop my poo poo and head to take a piss and am greeted by the sweet smell of fresh poo poo splattered on porcelain. Buddy is washing is hands and through the open stall behind him I see sloppy liquid poo poo all over the backstop of the toilet. Sopped up into every little crevasse and dripping onto the floor. He had held it up until the very point when his rear end hit the seat, but let go just a second too soon. It was like a gooey poo poo lava field peppered with half eaten green veggies. "What the gently caress are you gonna do about the mess?" "gently caress it. Let the Bangladeshis clean it up." The next day that whole trailer was spotless and I could never look those TCNs in the eye again. Whipped Buttcheeks fucked around with this message at 01:20 on Feb 9, 2015 |
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Feb 9, 2015 01:12
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So about halfway through my deployment I got sent down to this lovely little FOB to help close it down. A couple of weeks after I arrived, the locals manning our sewage trucks walked off the job due to some contractual issues, and the DFAC and all the showers, laundry, and latrines got shut down because the septic tank was overflowing. After like 6 days we got tired of eating MREs (although, to be fair, it did prevent us from making GBS threads as much) and I brokered a deal with the FOB S4 to buy two goats and some vegetables from the head manager of the local national security guards. One of the E5s in my platoon was a professional butcher back in the states, so he cut it up for us and we had a nice little cookout using a bunch of HT pallets we found. The next day, the FOB mayor finally got fed up with having to stand in a portajohn to take a poo poo on top of a growing mountain of poo poo popping out of the top of the seat and asked me if we could run a pipe that the SF dudes had somehow procured through the wall and down into the cesspool, which was like right behind the FOB. The idea was that we could just train a bunch of Joes to pump poo poo directly into the pipe instead of having to pay LNs to haul it around the outside to the cesspool. So I walk up onto this defilade position with my rangefinder to do a quick site survey, and as I'm looking out, I see the local goat herder walking his goats down to the cesspool. They jump in and start woofing it down like some kind of poo poo smoothie, and just generally rolling around it in and having a good ol' goat time. We bought two more goats a week later and ate the gently caress out of them anyway.
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Feb 9, 2015 01:40
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its nice to be out finally. nice to be getting a check too...will be nicer once school starts this summer and i get another check too.. holla.
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Feb 9, 2015 02:12
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psydude posted:So about halfway through my deployment I got sent down to this lovely little FOB to help close it down. A couple of weeks after I arrived, the locals manning our sewage trucks walked off the job due to some contractual issues, and the DFAC and all the showers, laundry, and latrines got shut down because the septic tank was overflowing. After like 6 days we got tired of eating MREs (although, to be fair, it did prevent us from making GBS threads as much) and I brokered a deal with the FOB S4 to buy two goats and some vegetables from the head manager of the local national security guards. One of the E5s in my platoon was a professional butcher back in the states, so he cut it up for us and we had a nice little cookout using a bunch of HT pallets we found. 
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Feb 9, 2015 02:14
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Still not as bad as part of the marines thread op.quote:Interwebz RN posted:
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Feb 9, 2015 03:05
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Feb 9, 2015 04:04
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all apologies posted:its nice to be out finally. nice to be getting a check too...will be nicer once school starts this summer and i get another check too..  vet life best life peep butts, smoke a weed, give no gently caress.
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Feb 9, 2015 04:05
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| # ? Apr 27, 2024 18:19 |
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Poop story: I was at Al Udeid in '13 during the biannual dysentery epidemic. This always corresponded to Army units rotating through, and now I know why. Anyway, this particular epidemic lined up with two other horrible events: a suspension of all base cleaning and facilities services due to a contracting fuckup, and a water main breaking and shutting off running water to 1/4 of the compound. I wasn't aware of that last part until one memorable morning, when I hauled my rear end out of bed at 2 AM for my morning poop. It was churning as soon as I woke up. As I open the door to the shower trailer, I was slammed in the face by a wall of stench. This was pungent, but not out of the ordinary, so I went in to do my business. What happened next was definitely extraordinary. I opened the door to my favorite stall, and was greeted with an image out of a Bosch painting: a toiled so filled with feces that if formed a cone, the slope defined by fluid mechanics and gravity, and the apex reaching above the bowl, above the seat. Flies perched on it, buzzing busily around their bounty. Disgusted, I closed the door and went across the aisle to my second favorite. I opened the door, and the same sight greeted me. Like a Twilight Zone protagonist, I duck-walked from stall to stall, each of the other twenty doors revealing a similar tableau of feces, an advent calendar from hell. In desperation, I tried flushing one of the monsters, but the handle produced only a click and low hissing. Even if I wanted to risk falling onto an edifice of poo poo by bracing myself against the booger-smeared walls, there was no toilet paper. As I fled the shower trailer, I ran into a Civil Engineering crew in hard hats. They told me the whole sector was cut off from water and sewage, and I begged them to tell me where the nearest trailer with running water was. Following their outstretched fingers, I raced my protesting ringpiece to the trailers of the adjacent sector. I made it in time to keep my shorts, but leakage consigned my boxers to a trashcan. I washed my rear end in a top hat off in the shower (no TP here either) and went into work thirty minutes later, refreshed but still feeling dirty. One day, I want to meet the man before me, the one who walked past twenty-one poo poo-piled toilets, and on finding the last pristine bowl, had a single, shining thought: "Jackpot." But I won't shake his hand, because every single man who used that cadillac left without washing. No running water, no paper towels. Dead Reckoning fucked around with this message at 08:59 on Feb 9, 2015 |
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Feb 9, 2015 08:57
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