the Strongly Worded Letter workshop

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Lil Cunty

sometimes you need to write a strongly worded letter to someone but you just dont know where to start. maybe youre too mad to type. maybe youre too mad to make sense. maybe the soul-crushing ennui of existence makes strongly wording things difficult, or maybe writing in general.

post what you have here and ask for advice on turning your humdrum letter of mild disapproval into a scathing literary assault

BUT ALSO

say youre really dang mad. oh boy you just want to shout at somebody but you dont know who, or maybe you do know who but theyre your boss or your grandma or your own poor life choices so you cant. this is a good thread for you to post in. take that aimless rage and channel it into some fledgling strongly worded letter and help your fellow posters shine

remember the cardinal rule of strongly worded letters: include a picture, to drive your point home

and the other cardinal rule of strongly worded letters: dont say swears, they are rude and not professional

(there is a third cardinal rule involving time capsules and writing strongly worded letters to future selves, but it is beyond the scope of this thread)

example to get you started:

quote:

dear fuckturds,

i sent my grandma a cake and she had one piece and put it in the fridge and in the morning it was gone. that cake was for my grandma and now she doesnt get any cake. im realluy mad!

gently caress you guys!

wd-40

now if i were going to help myself i would post the following corrections

quote:

Dear _________ Care and Rehabilitation Center,

I recently sent my grandmother, a patient in your facility, a cherry coffeecake (please find picture below). After enjoying a piece, she had her physical therapist place the remaining cake in the private refrigerator in her room. When she woke up this morning, the cake could not be located. My grandmother has very few pleasures left in what has been a difficult and joyless life, and the coffeecake was meant to last several days at least. I am concerned with your facility's inability to protect my grandmother's privacy and property during her stay. A person who would eat a sick grandmother's cake is not the kind of person who should be providing care to the elderly and infirm. I look forward to your prompt response detailing the steps you will take to rectify this situation and prevent it from happening in the future.

Regards,

WD-40

# ¿ Sep 1, 2015 19:57

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# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 22:43

Lil Cunty

dear npr,

do you guys even employ editors anymore? the last 3 articles i read had typos in them, one of which was IN THE TITLE OF THE ARTICLE. if thats what i wanted news to look like i'd just read my own facebook posts.

you guys really suck now!

wd

ty crap

ty landy

# ¿ Sep 1, 2015 20:02

Lil Cunty

dear starbucks,

the biodegradable straws you just started using melted in my coffee this morning and now my coffee tastes like corn and i am really pissed

aaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh TUESDAY IS RUINED

ty crap

ty landy

# ¿ Sep 1, 2015 20:04

Lil Cunty

Luvcow posted:

dear pug dogs

I'm really sorry that humans bred you to be the genetic disasters that you are. the only consolation I can give you as you waddle through your brief days, gasping for breath through your malformed airways, saliva cascading down your jowls and rotting away your fur, is that we all think you're really cute. I hope that counts for something.

this is a mildly worded letter of apology. when I'm done at this appt I'm going to help you craft this into a strongly worded letter of complaint

ty crap

ty landy

# ¿ Sep 1, 2015 21:21

Lil Cunty

TWIST FIST posted:

dear company that makes m&ms

while i normally have no complaints with your products i have noticed that this particular pack has a disproportionately large number of yellow m&ms. there is only one way to interpret this message. this accusation of cowardice will not stand. i intend to defend my honor in the only way acceptable for an insult of this magnitude. please select a representative from your company to face me in a duel to the death at a time and place to be determined at a later date. if you decline, it will become apparent who the true coward is.

sincerely yours,
mr t. fist

there is nothing to be done with this letter it's perfect. go ahead and send as is

in fact, send with vigor

ty crap

ty landy

# ¿ Sep 1, 2015 21:47

Lil Cunty

Luvcow posted:

dear pug dogs

I'm really sorry that humans bred you to be the genetic disasters that you are. the only consolation I can give you as you waddle through your brief days, gasping for breath through your malformed airways, saliva cascading down your jowls and rotting away your fur, is that we all think you're really cute. I hope that counts for something.

an angrier Luvcow in the future, hopefully posted:

Dear Pug Dogs,

You're a genetic disaster! As you waddle through your brief days, gasping for breath through your malformed airways, saliva cascading down your jowls and rotting away your fur, remember: you're a disgrace to dogs everywhere. I hope you never forget it, and that your days are filled with shame and regret.

VTY,

L. Cow

ty crap

ty landy

# ¿ Sep 1, 2015 21:55

Lil Cunty

saboten posted:

british students tackled this important issue in the 80s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uf_JtNFyB18

Dear British People,

Please stop reminding Americans how you already made every joke 30 years ago. We know already, but we think they sound better with flatter vowels and less humor.

Warm wishes,

WD-40, Esq.

ty crap

ty landy

# ¿ Sep 1, 2015 22:07

Lil Cunty

weird toppings guy posted:

to whom it may concern,

kind regards,

wtg.

i can never be mad about the goat

ty crap

ty landy

# ¿ Sep 1, 2015 23:23

Lil Cunty

tao of lmao posted:

is this real?

yes and i would appreciate your help in writing a strongly worded letter abou tit

ty crap

ty landy

# ¿ Sep 1, 2015 23:24

Lil Cunty

Miss Psychosis posted:

Dear self:

Just do it already. It'll be painless.

Dear Miss Flavia Psychosis,

Thank you for expressing your concerns. However, many technical advances have been made in the last decade and lasik surgery is now a painless and affordable option for many. Please call your optometrist at your earliest convenience for more information.

With love,

Miss Flavia Psychosis

ty crap

ty landy

# ¿ Sep 2, 2015 00:19

Lil Cunty

ChairmanMeow posted:

Microsoft-

I don't want windows 10. just stop. It's not going to happen.
Yours, Madam Chairman

Dear Microsoft,

Eat a bag of assholes, you immense pillars of poo poo. I hope you all die in housefires and are reincarnated as housecats. I hope you develop chocolate allergies and pass them to your children. Windows 10 is a miscarried monstrosity of an operating system and just thinking about it makes me want to pull my fingernails out one by one.

gently caress off you immeasurable fuckers,

Madam Chairman

ty crap

ty landy

# ¿ Sep 2, 2015 00:21

Lil Cunty

lol I don't know but "It read like a siren" made me laugh and I'm imagining the pm
and laughing a lot

ty crap

ty landy

# ¿ Sep 2, 2015 03:20

Lil Cunty

lol

ty crap

ty landy

# ¿ Sep 2, 2015 03:41

Lil Cunty

I dont

ty crap

ty landy

# ¿ Sep 2, 2015 05:41

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# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 22:43

Lil Cunty

railroad terror posted:

Dear Julio,

Thank you for contacting Comcast Customer Support! Here at Comcast, we value all our customers' opinions and take criticism very seriously in an effort to improve all customer service functions of the company.

Regarding your complaint of STOP FUVKING CALLING ME we believe the customer service representative assigned to your case, Barnaby C. Squid, did not take all the recommended steps necessary to resolve your complaint.

As an apology for this microaggression, Comcast is pleased to offer you a BUNDLED LANDLINE PHONE SERVICE for only $19.99 per month, with the first two months free upon two-year satellite VOIP phone subscription! VOIP is the latest in phone technology that Comcast is pleased to bring you.

Please see the attached insert regarding your new LANDLINE PHONE SERVICE, which will begin a new billing cycle on September 4th, 2015.

Regards,

Comcast Support

ty crap

ty landy

# ¿ Sep 5, 2015 01:58

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > the Strongly Worded Letter workshop