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KillHour posted:The author of this is the biggest piece of poo poo rear end in a top hat I know, so he made the only good way out of this is the diplomatic move, which of course no self respecting Caiman would choose. What a prick. Yeah he's a poo poo. I forgot about the monkey wrench the Pole throws into things though. Let's get on with the PENULTIMATE UPDATE Yesterday's page, complete:   HBar posted:Reveal our Warsaw Pact cosmonaut, making it all too clear that the Soviet Union was playing the long con and every misfortune to befall the Bel Air was the work of double agents with orders from Moscow to destroy the United States from within. The Pole once again lets us add 30 to the page:  663:  Here we have a bunch of choices, three of which will kill us. Since we're so close to the end and I don't want to pay Steve any more for this than I have to we'll just choose the right option and send the captain with the Pole. Turning to 680:  I run the fight. Our captain by this point in the adventure is a three-armed, tooth-spitting swaggering behemoth with a massive iron jaw and a trail of destruction half a galaxy long. Their captain is a sad, defeated man who's slightly more skilled than us in a fight but doesn't quite have the chops. Our combat expertise of 9 with 4 FISTS trounces his 10 with 2 FISTS. He deosn't touch us. Turning to 736:  What do we do with the remaining humans that are down on the planet? The starship manifest:  --------------------------- I Greyhound posted:Can we force a final, cataclysmic paranoia check, where the humans defeat themselves if they fail? Maybe using Hugh Mann to screw with the dude's mind? Larry Parrish posted:There's no way we can't try to have fun with the Paranoia feature at the home stretch If you play through as the humans you'll probably find out why they can't get any more paranoid than they already are. If the Caimans have a bad time with economic crises, the AI and a revolution, the humans have it far worse. Outrail posted:Don't we have a telepathy device? Stick a gecko in our totally safe mind reader and see what the sneaky ape is up to? This also would have worked, although not as well as what we did. the_steve posted:This is Hugh's time to shine, which means he will almost certainly gently caress up. Yeah the Captain hates Rowdy "Hugh Man" for reasons given earlier, namely that the captain thinks he's a traitor and knows he's a deserter. His showing up on the Caiman ship wouldn't have done anything to endear him to the Captain.
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Nov 16, 2015 06:08
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Make them our slaves; one step below Valet. When I tell a skink to fetch me some rotwine, I want him to ring a little bell and make the human bring it to him. That way he can focus his efforts on pleasing me more effectively.
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Nov 16, 2015 06:21
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Slaves! We'll have them begin construction on a fitting palace to reside in.
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Nov 16, 2015 07:21
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Humans = New Slaves. Graciously allow them to bow down before their new Caiman overlords.
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Nov 16, 2015 07:34
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Enslave humanity
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Nov 16, 2015 07:36
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I think it's clear we need to enslave humanity one way or another. I'm just not sure if we should we take a brutal tack, a benevolent tack, or a god-grifting tack. Also, regardless of the overall strategy, whether we should treat them to a planet-wide orgasm first.
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Nov 16, 2015 07:45
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broadcast our motivational bird friend to all in new earth then hit them with the orgasmotron, enslave humans into communism of course the side effects causes all humans to become orgy loving hippies who pray to bird gods
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Nov 16, 2015 07:57
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CaptainSarcastic posted:I think it's clear we need to enslave humanity one way or another. I'm just not sure if we should we take a brutal tack, a benevolent tack, or a god-grifting tack. Also, regardless of the overall strategy, whether we should treat them to a planet-wide orgasm first. Benevolent tack using the Orgasmotron
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Nov 16, 2015 08:07
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We will likely split humanity up between ourselves and Caiman nobility. They shall serve as serfs, and we will use them as soldiers to fight minor wars amongst ourselves. Just the way space Jesus intended.
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Nov 16, 2015 08:08
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s0m3 guy posted:broadcast our motivational bird friend to all in new earth then hit them with the orgasmotron, enslave humans into communism I like how this would be a massive improvement to their current way of life.
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Nov 16, 2015 08:21
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"Jestem gejem." Enslave them.
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Nov 16, 2015 08:36
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Are we not caiman? Blood feast to end all blood feasts. Let us speak of our feast in hushed tones of awe generations from now.
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Nov 16, 2015 08:51
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huntergatherer posted:Are we not caiman? No, we need slaves! Also, we can experiment trying to breed the humans with the remaining Bijou slaves to produce superslaves or something. Besides, I think our 10' Pole might object to us genociding his race, and I don't think we want to be on his bad side. Lastly, if the Sexless Threshers show up then we can use the human colony as a decoy while we do something cowardly and backhanded.
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Nov 16, 2015 09:00
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Enslave. Seems like the inevitable option.
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Nov 16, 2015 09:08
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huntergatherer posted:Are we not caiman?
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Nov 16, 2015 09:20
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Feed us your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!
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Nov 16, 2015 09:21
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Jenkem Delivery posted:Benevolent tack using the Orgasmotron
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Nov 16, 2015 09:28
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Congratulations on writing the most badass depiction of a Pole in the history of Sci-Fi. I can't think of any other Polish space action heroes off the top of my head, at least.
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Nov 16, 2015 13:24
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Discover that the "human colonists" are all scarecrows. Knock them over.
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Nov 16, 2015 14:37
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Or, if they're real, let them live on reservations next to the Bijou.
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Nov 16, 2015 14:39
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huntergatherer posted:Are we not caiman?
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Nov 16, 2015 14:52
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if they made it this far they have got to have some level of guts. I mean we have two and even though their hot blooded lifestyle is fuckin dumb they were some minor assitance. we should use them to survive the trheshers also if you think about it we're the only reason the bijous, the last robod, and those plant slave people survived so we're already p benevolent imo.
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Nov 16, 2015 16:17
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Enslave
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Nov 16, 2015 16:34
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Jenkem Delivery posted:Benevolent tack using the Orgasmotron
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Nov 16, 2015 16:57
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huntergatherer posted:Are we not caiman?
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Nov 16, 2015 17:27
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Blood Feast as much as possible and enslave the rest.
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Nov 16, 2015 17:57
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11 to enslave the humans, mostly non-violently. 6 for a blood feast. We'll enslave them, leading to one of the better endings. It'll be a big update so it might take a while to get Two-Fisted Steve to scan them in. By the way, remember those crabs? We chased their starship off and blew up their home planet? Our comeuppance is on its way and will arrive very shortly. Our space ship is in awful condition and, after using the orgasmotron, will not have a lot of energy. Winning the fight we're about to have will be almost impossible even using the cloacaing device and all the tricks at our disposal. Do you want me to run the encounter fairly and let the dice decide, or should I cheat and let us win? Whether we win or lose there's a proper ending so you won't get ripped off either way.
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Nov 16, 2015 18:27
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Let the dice decide. We will reap what we've sown.
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Nov 16, 2015 18:31
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Jvie posted:Let the dice decide. We will reap what we've sown.
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Nov 16, 2015 18:35
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I know the human ship's engines are as dead as ours, but does it have any weapons or shields? Could we use it to our advantage against those poor, innocent crabs we tortured?
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Nov 16, 2015 18:43
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Whatever the RNGod decides.
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Nov 16, 2015 19:16
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Found the New Caiman Republic on this maiden world, which shall be home to a million new marshes, decadence & crapulence for all Caimen, and guaranteed rights of slavedom for all humans and skinks and such. e: Wait this was already decided. For the crabs, let the dice dispense poetic justice. Elukka fucked around with this message at 19:23 on Nov 16, 2015 |
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Nov 16, 2015 19:17
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I'd rather have us cheat in order to win. It makes a lot of sense to me for the Caimans to win by cheating.
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Nov 16, 2015 19:37
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Asterios posted:I know the human ship's engines are as dead as ours, but does it have any weapons or shields? Could we use it to our advantage against those poor, innocent crabs we tortured? The Supergalactic is very user friendly (it has to be for the Caimen to operate it) so anyone with any skill can work the controls. The other species require specialised knowledge to be able to operate their ships: managing the crew so the right people are in the right place is a major theme of every other species. It wouldn't be possible for most of the Caimen to work out how to make the Bel Air's systems do anything.
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Nov 16, 2015 19:37
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Obscil posted:I'd rather have us cheat in order to win. It makes a lot of sense to me for the Caimans to win by cheating. Just turn directly to the page with the Best Ending.
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Nov 16, 2015 19:48
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Do what I always do in chose your own adventure books and cheat yourself that V
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Nov 16, 2015 20:06
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Applewhite posted:Just turn directly to the page with the Best Ending.
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Nov 16, 2015 20:06
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Applewhite posted:Just turn directly to the page with the Best Ending.
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Nov 16, 2015 20:25
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Mechanism Eight posted:Much as I want the dice to decide our fittingly-horrible fate it would befit a Caiman to shirk this whole "playing" lark and just turn straight to page 400, wouldn't it? 400: 
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Nov 16, 2015 20:30
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We dug our mud put. Time to wallow in it.
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Nov 16, 2015 20:30
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