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I'm not a writer, and I haven't tried to write anything since senior year of high school. I took technical writing in college and I was an engineering major. That said, I wrote a short story and I'd like to get feedback, but mostly I'd just like to share it. I don't feel comfortable sharing it with anyone I know because its pretty dark and would make them worry. I struggle with depression but I promise I'm not suicidal. The last dream
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Sep 24, 2015 19:06
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 03:47 |
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You didn't knock down your wife and child did you? I don't have a detailed critique for you, but here are a few comments. 1. Avoid the pluperfect, e.g. I had turned. It slows down your narrative and takes away from the immediacy of the action. Telling me that a flash a lightning had just lit the sky is far less engrossing than telling me that a flash of lightning lit the sky. 2. You tell the reader an awful lot about the emotions and feelings that your protagonist is experiencing, but it would be good to express these in a more subtle manner (the whole balance showing with telling problem). 3. It gets a bit garbled at points. 4. The characters don't have much flesh to them, the protagonists arc doesn't really exist, and there is no tension.
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Sep 28, 2015 04:09
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The first paragraph turned me off. The tense is really tortured, just to avoid showing us an actual cool exciting thing - a lightning strike in broad daylight. You should start this by dropping in right as the lightning strikes.
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Oct 2, 2015 01:11
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