living in finland is worse than living with isis

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > living in finland is worse than living with isis

«‹›3 »

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Gumdrop Larry posted:

Finland seems pretty cool but apparently the people there like to kill themselves a lot.

Here's a passage from a piecce of finnish classic literature known for its humor

"The Lord made the world to test the strength of people's faith."
"The strength of faith? He tries and tests men but that testing sends souls swarming thick as mosquitoes to that everlasting hell, to a place where even I wouldn't send a snake, the vengeful man that I am."
"Life on this earth is a hard game, there's small hope for mankind when only two were chosen from six hundred thousand to see the promised land."
"Right, what is life? The doorway to hell I say."
"In my darker moods I even see life as hell itself, where I'm a soul in torment and our 'neighbours' are pitchfork-wielding devils. All of mankind behaves just as hell's evil spirits do anyway."

# ¿ Sep 25, 2015 20:39

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ¿ Apr 26, 2024 01:01

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Shadow posted:

I can imagine that in a place as cold as Finland, a warm beverage was when you finally felt human again and it was a special, almost religious experience, so talking and taking away from this was discouraged.

that's why finns love saunas

in the book I quoted earlier some finns got the poo poo beat out of them, literally by some probable ruskies and then metaphorically by polite civilized life. They go to a sauna but they warm it up too hot just to feel something again and it burns down. They watch naked in the darkness as the smallest shred of happiness there was in their world crumbles to ash

lol

# ¿ Sep 25, 2015 21:12

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Cake Smashing Boob posted:

Well that settles it then. They're inbred.

Explains a lot.

e: literally! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Finnish_heritage_disease

quote:

In Finland about one in five persons carries a gene defect associated with at least one Finnish heritage disease

2/10 just date swedes instead

# ¿ Sep 25, 2015 21:20

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Nauta posted:

also if you speak finnish in a swedish crowd you get really dirty looks

because if any more finnish-speakers move into their country they'll have to go officially bilingual

they're running out of invented finnish dialects to divide immigrants into so finns don't pass a threshold for % speakers

pls keep sweden swedish, tia

# ¿ Sep 25, 2015 21:33

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

poopzilla posted:

finland has been churning out the greatest racecar drivers in the world for decades

"Hmmm if I drive fast with reckless abandon either I win the petty race or I die mangled up in a terrible crash... heh checkmate, life" :smug:

- a typical finn

# ¿ Sep 25, 2015 21:49

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Cake Smashing Boob posted:

tbf their Hockey teams have been mostly Finnish.

on the other hand they can't play Hockey for poo poo, so

if finnish hockey teams were actually swedish tho they might be able to punch above their bronze or nothing bracket

# ¿ Sep 25, 2015 22:16

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

watch as the wild finn quickly resorts to confused violence when confounded by facts

watch and pity the savage finn

# ¿ Sep 25, 2015 22:36

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Erethizon_dorsatum posted:

Are Finnish guys hot

http://per-looks.tumblr.com/

# ¿ Sep 25, 2015 22:54

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

The Brown Menace posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=el93MIxAf-c

official thread theme

I wonder how legit mongolians feel about their association with the lowly finn

are they as offended as you'd think?

# ¿ Sep 26, 2015 00:13

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

DeepQantas posted:

If you mean not at all, then yeah, probably. We're talking about a conspiracy theory cartoon that turned into a 4chan meme, right?

while it certainly is a joke to compare person A to person B you still might offend some As with such low blows

# ¿ Sep 26, 2015 00:31

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

The Brown Menace posted:

anyone can pick retarded-looking finns (by god it isn't hard, probably easier than picking normal-looking ones) but how about you post a true finnish alpha?

whenthe perfect blend of suomi, muscle tone, and sexuality come togeth

# ¿ Sep 26, 2015 00:46

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Huge Lady Pleaser posted:

You're looking at the wrong spots bud

instead the poster should have noticed how pale the skin gets the farther away it is from the neckline and how the picture politely cuts off before the finn's skin goes full white walker (that reaches its maxima around the pelvic area on the women iirc)

# ¿ Sep 26, 2015 02:52

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Kleen_TheRowdyDog posted:

do people from norway and sweden hate eachother too, or is it just directed towards finland?

Nobody really hates each other although the swede often needs to be taken down a peg. Finland is just weird though. Scandinavia proper shares a mutually intelligible language family, especially if there's a norwegian to middleman danish and swedish, and a close history starting at the viking age. They share a large number of traditions, cultural quirks, etc as a result even though everyone's doing their own thing.

Finland on the other hand is this odd swampland with a legit inbred people speaking a legit byzantine language. Finns are a very surly, belligerent folk, depressively melancholic and obnoxious drunks that would be shitfaced 24-7 if their government didn't make them run a maze to find booze everytime. They're dudes that serious-brag about how many russians they've killed historically and anything they don't like they call gay or homo. As you can see finns have way more in common with russians than scandinavians, though Putin hasn't yet mastered the citizen-maze-booze system, but since enough swedes have lived there to give them a functioning social democracy Finland usually tags along by geographical & political association despite being the obviously creepy one.

# ¿ Sep 26, 2015 18:57

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Kleen_TheRowdyDog posted:

Interesting, thanks.

can you tell me more about this government maze booze system?

clever swedes realized that by making the finn travel long distances for his booze you limit his alcohol consumption to what he can carry

that limit encourages brief periods of sobriety in an otherwise ungovernable people

the trick is currently working but...

The Brown Menace posted:

... finns are evolving

# ¿ Sep 26, 2015 20:54

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Tuxedo Gin posted:

finns are actually only governable when they are in a drunken stupor

tbf the stupor sweet spot juuust before the inevitable black out is still hard to achieve w/o trickery

Hobohemian posted:

What are the laws in Finland that make booze so hard to get? Is it like Washington with the whole state run liquor stores?

it's taxed hard enough that finns do bootlegging runs to estonia to maximize their income-to-ethanol conversion

# ¿ Sep 26, 2015 21:24

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Soft Shell Crab posted:

Swedes think they are oh so progressive, but if they didn't have big buffer zone called Finland between them and Russia they would be making GBS threads their pants.

Jan Salmi waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were russians in the base. He didn't see them, but had expected them, now for years. His warnings to King Sweden were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
Jan was a conscript for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the hornets and he said to dad "I want to be on the skies, daddy."
Dad said "NO! YOU WILL BE KILL BY RUSSIANS!"
There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the base of the FAF he knew there were russians.
"This is King Sweden," the radio crackered. "You must fight the russians!"
So Jan gotted his knock-off AK47 and blew up the wall.
"HE GOING TO KILL US," said the russians!
"I will shoot at him," said the spetsnaz and he fired the rocket missiles. Jan shot at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
"No! I must kill the russians," he shouted!
The radio said "No, Jan. You are the russians."
And then, Jan remembered he was just drunk again.

# ¿ Sep 26, 2015 22:16

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Nauta posted:

finland is the balls

lol

Hmmm finland is objectively one of the happiest, most prosperous countries in the world, has the actual best education system in the world and the least government corruption. Truly life is hell unending and the only way out is a bullet to the brain right loving now
- typical finn

what huge balls

# ¿ Sep 27, 2015 04:05

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

compared to finns, perhaps only Stalin has bragged more about # of russians killed

# ¿ Sep 27, 2015 18:24

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4om1rQKPijI

# ¿ Sep 27, 2015 19:25

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Nurge posted:

Did someone paste what Tacitus wrote about the finns back in the day yet? It's pretty hilarious:

code:

 ''In wonderful savageness live the nation of the Fennians, and in beastly
  poverty, destitute of arms, of horses, and of homes; their food, the common herbs; their
  apparel, skins; their bed, the earth; their only hope in their arrows, which for want of
  iron they point with bones. Their common support they have from the chase, women as well as
  men; for with these the former wander up and down, and crave a portion of the prey. Nor
  other shelter have they even for their babes, against the violence of tempests and ravening
  beasts, than to cover them with the branches of trees twisted together; this a reception
  for the old men, and hither resort the young. Such a condition they judge more happy than
  the painful occupation of cultivating the ground, than the labour of rearing houses, than
  the agitations of hope and fear attending the defence of their own property or the seizing
  that of others. Secure against the designs of men, secure against the malignity of the
  Gods, they have accomplished a thing of infinite difficulty; that to them nothing remains
  even to be wished.''

# ¿ Sep 27, 2015 21:09

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

if we're going by first come, first claim scandinavia belongs to the saami

swedes & norwegians pls go back to germania, finns go back to central asia

# ¿ Sep 27, 2015 21:55

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

# ¿ Sep 28, 2015 18:52

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Say Nothing posted:

yes, it would make sense that the finnish lion is committing suicide

# ¿ Sep 28, 2015 20:31

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

ElGroucho posted:

How do they reproduce

Do they just have really good dick aim or what

Yes. There was a 2001 study in europe that indicated that finnish men had the highest sperm count. Anti-social behavior in finland is so profound that it's placed selective pressure on men to make their shot count.

# ¿ Sep 28, 2015 22:02

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

probably not, vikings pillaged for wealth and women and wore makeup and had very well-managed hair

hmmm I wonder what modern scandinavia proper is known for, maybe its attractive women, its high, egalitarian wealth and its faggy men? hmmm

# ¿ Sep 29, 2015 07:44

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

nauta if your finnish trickery was to come up with a reply so dumb I don't know how to respond, bravo

bravo

# ¿ Sep 29, 2015 07:57

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

given time anyone can change nauta

finns too can take their first steps into the 21st century by ending bog worship and bareknuckle brawling for beer money

# ¿ Sep 29, 2015 08:15

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Nauta posted:

i'm the reptile person barely kept concealed

# ¿ Oct 1, 2015 00:04

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Lazer Monkey posted:

Notice the hosed up face and lack of teeth? Typical Finn, the only thing missig in these past videos is their relationship with the knife.

it's a shame scots are more well-known for their knife crimes than finns

FreudianSlippers posted:

Literally all True Finns are hideous goblin people
http://per-looks.tumblr.com/

but then again i don't think anyone here has the cunning to operate a knife w/o hurting themselves

# ¿ Oct 1, 2015 02:21

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

quote:

Finland Man is like this.

When wake up in morning, Finland Man first think about gross national product. Must work lot. Before die, have to pay house to bank. Bank take 50 percent of Finland Man salary. Government tax office take 60 percent. Must work more.

Finland Man is like this.

When get out of bed, Finland Man go to kitchen. Drink coffee. Check e-mails. Eat one moose. If enough time, say hello to Woman at home. Not show emotions. Then Finland Man go to work.

Finland Man is like this.

When drive out of garage, Finland Man look at neighbour's car. If neighbour's car smaller, Finland Man smile. If neighbour's car bigger, Finland Man not show emotions.

Finland Man is like this.

When get to work, Finland Man never stop. When Finland Man was little child, not get milk from Mother. Get protestant ethic. When Finland Man have own funeral, then downshift.

Finland Man is like this.

When 12 o'clock, Finland Man have lunch. Eat one moose. Eat alone. Not speak to anybody. If waiter smile, Finland Man think: "Why I look funny?" Not show emotions. Check e-mails.

Finland Man is like this.

When Friday, Finland Man go to drink beer with other Finland Man. Not speak. When drink too much beer and bottle of vodka, say to other Finland Man: "You my best friend." Then go to karaoke. Sing sad song. This happy moment.

Finland Man is like this.

When young, go to one party. Late evening go to speak Woman. If lucky, Woman speak too. Then build home. Eat moose together.

Finland Man is like this.

When Saturday, Finland Man go to sauna. Throw seven buckets of water on rocks. After sauna have appointment in bedroom with Woman. Not show emotions.

Finland Man is like this.

When Woman at home ask about love, Finland Man not answer. Finland Man say: "This we already talk on the altar." Not show emotions.

Finland Man is like this.

When Woman at home want divorce and leave Finland Man, Finland Man surprised. Not show emotions. Finland Man go to forest and talk to tree. Then eat moose alone. Check e-mails.

Finland Man is like this.

When holiday, Finland Man drive car to lake. Finland Man is better driver than everybody. Finland Man drive country road fast. If comes moose, too bad. Moose die. Finland Man eat.

Finland Man is like this.

When with other people, Finland Man want to be alone. When alone, Finland Man ask himself: "Why nobody like me?" Eat one moose. Check e-mails.

Finland Man is like this.

When almost retired, Finland Man have heart attack. Not tell anybody, because is shame. Check e-mails. Then die. This was Finland Man.

# ¿ Oct 1, 2015 06:01

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

ultrabindu posted:

So really what I'm getting from this is that Finland and Scandinavia in general is not a place I should want to visit.

quote:

What are Finnish Men like - Dating Guys from Finland

Located in the northernmost part of the world, Finland is an amazing country, endowed with natural beauty and hard-working, no-nonsense, well-educated people. If you are looking forward to socialize with the Finns, here are a few points you can keep in mind about Finnish men.

Rather shy

The first time you come across male Finns, even in a social setting, you may feel that they are cold and reserved. However their formal behavior is more a result of shyness rather than willful reticence. You will find that they are rather uncomfortable at maintaining eye contact while speaking to you. Also Finnish people prefer keeping a certain distance to people they are talking with. Depending on the situation, Finns' personal space is from one to two meters, at the very least. So don�t be surprised if a Finnish guy doesn�t greet you with effusively � like hugging or kissing your cheeks. Indeed they stay away from physical contact even with the people they know. And the most that they will do when meeting a stranger is to shake hands. In fact in large get-togethers where a lot of people have gathered, there are usually no formal introductions � people simply nod to each other and mumble out their names or even wear a name badge to avoid the �embarrassment� of formal introductions.

Also a Finn likes to talk as little as possible. So you may find that engaging in social chit-chat with a stranger one of the most difficult experiences for a Finnish guy. While you are perfectly comfortable talking about your job, friends, country or the last vacation you took, when it is his turn to make small talk, he is likely to go all red, start sweating and after a long silence, finally come up with something unintelligible. This though is not a problem with the language - nearly every Finn can speak English, most even speak it very well, but these situations make them forget almost everything.

definitely visit finland if you are looking for a manly alpha

# ¿ Oct 1, 2015 18:11

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

remember, if you're looking to get a bedroom appointment with either of those two studs you will need to tip-toe around their social anxieties, their suppressed personal miseries and their love affair with the puukko first

# ¿ Oct 1, 2015 22:40

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

I think finns are just feeling spurned that swedes legit prefer muslims over finns as neighbours, friends and sons-in-laws

it's hardly a tough call either

# ¿ Oct 3, 2015 19:35

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

a bog worshipper gifted me a puukko a whiles back - probably just a clever way of destroying evidence

how is one expected to react when being gifted a shiv anyway

# ¿ Oct 3, 2015 21:24

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

Hogge Wild posted:

remove it from your guts and stab back

hmmm you're right, the finn probably just whiffed the stab badly and put it in my hand by accident

kind of funny that we both just rolled with it

# ¿ Oct 3, 2015 21:47

hard counter: Jan 2, 2015

above base level for sure but still under the point where conversations contain more than the barest minimum number of words needed and/or emotional content

# ¿ Oct 3, 2015 21:59