Your Gay Uncle posted:

Goons get their most flustered when someone dares go against the Elite Chili Groupthink and do something revolutionary like add 6 onion soup mixes to their award winning chili.

many johnnys posted:

International Student: Snake... do you... like me?

Snake: What the!?

International Student: Do you like me? Hold me, Snake.

Snake: What's wrong?

International Student: Hurry... hurry! Make love to me!! Snake, I want you!!

(We now see The OP's Advisor behind International Student. He is controlling her.)

Snake: Who's that!?

Advisor: Huh? You don't like girls?

paranoid randroid posted:

obama stares at two buttons, "bad guys" and "law abiding citizens". a single sweat drop slides down his forehead

Sham bam bamina! posted:

mysterious frankie posted:

You think the rift is good now but wait until the first time you're in a 3D porno, getting real close to a butthole, to check it out. Closer, closer, but wait the camera man didn't film as close to the butthole as you've gotten; "ERROR ERROR ERROR" comes thundering out of the glitching hole as your brain overloads and leaks out your ears onto the t shirt you got for free from Spiceworks. Sometime later when the emt pries the goggles from your head he gasps; where once were eyes now are two stinky puckered holes. Butt holes.

cram me sideways posted:

yes well it's all very good that YOU have a deep personal history with bowie, but what matters is MY deep personal history, which is in no meaningful way different or more interesting than yours, but i'm talking now and also i can get louder and uhm space oddity

cram me sideways posted:

you: i will miss you david!!!!!

*ghost of david materializes in front of u*

david: i never knew you, and if you were on fire i wouldn't have pissed on you to douse the flames. you are deeply incorrect to me and i'm better for having never, ever known you

cram me sideways posted:

*pushes deviantart engine out of the garage and pulls on ripcord. thousands of maudlin, boring tributes begin spewing out*

oh look, here's one where he's a jedi; how novel

Lunchmeat Larry posted:

that dude's posts, especially in that thread, are extremely bad

my dad posted:

Which resulted in a goldmined report thread.

Faux-rear end Nonsense posted:

Captain_Maclaine posted:

Guess who's resurfaced, in the southern Caucasus this time!

Captain_Maclaine posted:

Uhh, because he's mom and fiending for meth is pretty much his thing? Or were you more asking about the location?

cock hero flux posted:

ban for quoting yourself in the thread

atomicthumbs posted:

ToxicSlurpee posted:

Hey guys *dog whistle* let me tell you about how *louder dog whistle* not racist I am. Like I'm all about freedom for *increasingly shrill, obnoxious dog whistle* everybody! *dog whistle begins to rattle the cutlery* But see, some people just have a poor *dog whistle is replaced by an unbearably loud air horn* time preference so it's their own fault if they suck. America is a *air horn becomes a fog horn and the neighbors call the police* perfect meritocracy after all and nobody gets to benefit from having rich parents *fog horn somehow begins to spout racial slurs* or anything like that. All schools are exactly the same because *slurs begin to drown out all other noise* if somebody goes to a bad school they can just go to the library afterwards. But that won't do them any good because a job would *nothing else can be heard over what appears to be a mix of racially insensitive words and farting obliterating all other sounds*

*fog horn somehow begins to poo poo itself*

*somewhere a watermelon gets hosed*

GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

This killed me.

"LOOK I KNOW SOME RAP ALBUMS OK, HERE'S A LIST. TOTES NOT RACIST."

Tesseraction posted:

Do you hear the people sing
It is the song of angry men
It's the music of a people
Who will not be slaves ag--OH poo poo


*gets kicked to death by emancipated slaves*

Nuclear Pogostick posted:

One time I left a chuck key (basically a big T-shaped thing that you tighten/loosen the chuck, often on a lathe) in the chuck without noticing (it was out of my field of view stuck in the other side of the chuck) and was promptly slammed in the face by a flying chuck key when I turned the lathe on. I got REALLY lucky, my entire face could have been very seriously hosed up but I got away mostly unscathed.

Devonaut posted:

If you think that's dangerous, just wait till you meet bride of chuck key.

Ozz81 posted:

Quote the post with the word filter and it'll show the original words

GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

Imagine the noise Santa Claus would make if someone knocked the wind out of him while he was shouting "Ho ho ho!" That's the noise I made when I read that. Goddrat.

Fix posted:

When I read Scalia died I announced it to an American history teacher who happened to be sitting in my kitchen at the time and she said "who?"

Radish posted:

Well I bet she knows Scalia now that he's history.

Snapchat A Titty posted:

I repeat, please ban everyone who doesn't appreciate SMG.

quote:

Wipe the bike pump down with tabasco if you want to know when to take him to the hospital again.

quote:

Ahh! How could you give your brother the ol' spicy dickhole!!

quote:

These are not fun times for you dickhole, these are dark times!

quote:

I see no problem with this.

quote:

Well of course you wouldn't.

quote:

Finally

loquacius posted:

I really like how if someone posts an image and I don't know what it's supposed to be, my knee-jerk impulse is to assume it's a Loss reference and it is right every time

Choco1980 posted:

We can't have a single ape discussion without someone needing to bring up the missing link...

Cosmik Slop posted:

TRANSCRIPT OF DONALD TRUMP’S INAUGURAL ADDRESS, JANUARY 20TH, 2017:



My fellow Americans and Russian prostitutes: Jeb is hereby appointed Moon King. Sorry, Newt Gingrich. It was necessary—bing bing bong—to cuck you. [Off mike to Rudy Giuliani: this is a 4chan thread. Your mom is a 4chan thread]. Bing bing bing. [Off mike: it makes visiting the family really uncomfortable and confusing.] Trumpcare is about separate but equal bodily fluids and unwanted incestuous thoughts—bigly, believe me. The best-- just let me say that my daughter has a great flavor of urine. Hillary Clinton’s emails cannot compare to the wonderful taste of Ivanka’s urine during the primaries. The lying media is bad! Tremendous black friend vote. We will win. Check these dubs. Some people say I’m a Nazi. What they forget: it’s a movement, and that Hitler was low-energy. Genocide isn’t enough. Bing bing bong!



And his hair? A total disaster. Apologize like a dog! Lyin’ Ted is bringing back jobs like zodiac killing John F. Kennedy bigly. We’re going at [sic] Trump Tower, where public urination on Obama’s memorabilia which [sic] makes necessary Lindsey Graham’s piss and political correctness, because Rosie O’Donnell—sad! Radical Islamic terrorism [Off mike: and political correctness] will make America a total mess. That is great, just terrific, folks. Piss on me—you’ll come, promise! I guarantee you jobs, jobs, jobs—like urine collectors, big league, bigly. How stupid are Iowan voters? gently caress CNN, Buzzfeed, and Ivanka, but gently. All my supporters eat free at—are just tremendous. Troops, homes. Freedom isn’t free, but is now over. The third amendment… I can’t remember… is a waste.



Lemme tell you—this Lewis guy? Handsome? Sure, but a total mess. Jeb is a nice guy. Articulate—for a Bush! Melania never poops unless I say, “Barack Hussein Obama, piss and poo poo”. Praise the Goddess! [Three airhorn blasts from crowd] Do the Bartman, and may God do his thing. Bing bing God. I am Sam, Sam I am. Do you like the Cheeto man? Ninja, ninja rap. [yelling] TRUMP BOT REBOOTING! [resumes speaking tone] I am Adolf, except I’ll win. Bigly. Probably. Maybe. Radical. Islamic. Terrorism. Three simple words, and 85 more—sometimes just fourteen. And China is taking our jobs. I love China. Piss in soda. We must secure every sex slave drinking the piss [to aides] just my piss [to mic] sex slave piss. Very, very big. Sex slave piss is so delicious—better than Ivanka’s. I love piss. All piss matters.



In closing, I love radical Islam. Death to America. Allahu akbar, and full communism slowly and gradually. By the pussy. Vice President Pence—we haven’t spoken. I wanted Newt, Newt Newt Newt. It’s gonna be big wet rear end, the absolute wettest. My tiny hands will be wet, believe me folks. Jeb is a mess. Jeb is a waste, folks. Need Jeb’s piss in my wiener. And Mexico is a great place for me to go poop on! Anyways, bing bing bong, Bush did 9/11. I said, “Don’t let me stick, grease me up”.



Now, a joke: I am president. I’m a rapist. People are saying my rear end smells! I can’t reach-- Ivanka’s beautiful breasts are mine alone. I say to Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi: need piss. Sixty-one! Bing bing bing. Bong, bing bing. It’s just that—and cumming profusely made America great! Crooked Hillary needs a golden shower at her colorist’s massive Jewish conspiracy, because yarmulkes are not Bannon-approved. Likewise, other Semitic groups lack foreskin, and scrupulously avoid pee-pee parties in Swiss resorts. Repeat after me: Barron will not be the actual example I use. He’s my bastard son and grandson. Nothing really matters. My early years, I was abused. Ha ha, only kidding. Furthermore, the blacks, whom I love, live in crime-ridden, so-called “trap”.



Ben Carson will personally inspect Hillary’s panties for piss. I have no reason to doubt that my daughter, the big dog, is best waifu. My SA username is actually Baloogan! Sad! First Lady Ivanka, the big dog, wants to build a restraining order. Peg me, please, I’m begging you, you horse fucker. [yelling] END THE FED! [arms waving furiously] Watch out for my germophobia, piss. [hoarsely, pointing] THE CHAOS EMERALDS! Mexico will pay in Two Corinthians. [screaming] BLACKED DOT COM! [resume normal tone] stars my daughter, World Star Hip-Hop legend Kanye West. [incoherent, sounds like “roffle roffle roffle”] Caresses my thighs, drinks daddy’s cummies. My African-American brazzers.com—check it out. Many people are saying that I’m bigly. That’s not true. I’m BIG LEAGUE! [brief pause for audience standing ovation] Into fake news, my daughter Ivanka, a Jew husband, and of course, his fabulous BJs.



My good friend, Governor Chris Christie, has eaten Melania, and that’s fine. Scott Baio will, and he peed. Build the swamp. Build it, please. Mexico might repay, I tell you—they probably won’t, because we are number one, and that means piss on my face, in my pants, in my mouth, on my children. A blind trust with my hoes, but not Eric. Bernie woulda won. Wishes come true… ha ha, psyche! Sad! “Love me, daddy,” Ivanka shouted as she came bigly, while the audience and husband clapped, unlike for Jeb, fapping in corner. [Impression of Jeb Bush (?)]That’s me, by the way. Fap fap fap. Jealous of Ivanka. I want mommy. [Impression ends] Wouldn’t hurt fly. Loving hurting women.



Trump then decided the wall will be manila folders. They’re blank, lol. My tax returns—no one cares. Winning’s more important! Just the biggest—my hands, yes. I’m completely retarded. Love ya, Vlad. Wouldn’t it be nice if Jeb—terrific, just terrific. Need more piss so I can sell Mexico some “Really Bad Hombres”-brand miracle piss. Starting today, masturbation via auto-erotic asphyxiation is mandatory for the intelligence agencies, but also for my greatest hero: my son, Barron, the Moldovian Scourge. Furthermore, the KKK has been promoted to non-stop anime Gestapo of America. Well, w-well, w-w-w-well, everybody’s getting laid! Especially me, when we repeal the laws against rape, and incest also! Ivanka is cute. Motorboat them tittays. Grab that pussy. Now I must leave this planet a smoldering ruin. Motorboat those titties. I loving hate the fake news.



[LEAVES PODIUM, UNITED STATES MARINE BAND STARTS PLAYING]

Let us English posted:

When I told my elementary school students in Korea I was moving to China they all pulled on their eyes and yelled "ching-chong ching-chong." Then their homeroom teacher joined in. I was very confused.