Captain_Maclaine posted:

Strap yourself in for some primo harm reduction:

Seat Safety Switch posted:

The Viper has actually done us a major service in removing the kind of people who would own a Viper from public society. When the car was announced they appeared unbidden at the gates of Dodge dealerships across the country, rubbing their blood-stained hands against the immaculate window glass until a salesman came outside and taught them how to use a door.

Wild-eyed, these men first attempted to pay for their factory hot rods with clusters of pulled hair and bloody teeth before pulling out inexplicable sums of money from their dragon-like hoard of cash, saturated with the tang of human blood to the point that it dripped crimson trails onto the manicured industrial-estate tile flooring. Innocent salesmen who went along with them for the test drive "for insurance purposes" returned shaken, mute, with white hair and permanently dilated pupils, unable to share their tale of the horrors that ensued on that fateful use of the dealer plate. Normal people would never attend the Dodge dealership to witness these vehicles, being perfectly happy to gaze at them from an aesthetic perspective before plopping down an outsize credit note on lifted minivan after lifted minivan, continuing on with their life and never descending into the kind of purestrain madness that would promote the purchase of a Viper.

Seemingly unemployed, these Viper owners wreaked havoc across the nation, dragging their RT/10s on our highways and byways before locating and docking with the nearest tree to the dealership. Those who survived their high-speed Viper crash were reborn in a baptism of fire, taking these broken men and giving us new, hardened, experienced psychopaths who immediately set out to purchase a second generation Viper when it became available. Despite the Dodge, for years America was helpless, crippled with fear of these dearborists, and our economy collapsed to the point that the Europeans were able to take advantage of our weakened world position, launching savage leveraged takeovers that crippled our most useless corporations, among them the mother of the Viper. The Dodge was struck down, and the Viper was to cease.

The Dodge, under the direction of the Germans, lost its love of terror and spectacle and discontinued the Viper as they instead concentrated on making more lifted minivans to attract the kind of man who would only appreciate the Viper as an abstract spectacle of wealth and power, rather than a direct-engagement three-pedaled suicide machine rendered from brimstone and lubricated with the souls of the damned. The loyalists were lost in the wild, hoarding the few remaining examples from being crashed into trees at high speeds and sequestering them away amongst yachts and period-correct lowboy restorations at a gathering known only as Barrett-Jackson.

Before long the original Viper owner hoard began to thin itself out, and the surviving cars began to depreciate. That's when they came down from the mountain. Cheap-rear end hobbyists. Clutching Weiand blowers and laughing in their odd high pitch, half-panicked, half-aroused as they eyed what was left of their fiberglass-bodied ankle-burning sex machine. The next age of Viper Terror was among us. The kind of man who would originally buy a new Viper became restless, and they swarmed across Wall Street, launching the world into an orgy of high-risk, violent bets that struck out at the common man. In order to sate their desire for adrenalin and property destruction, these men had gained power and cast the world into economic disaster that destroyed even The Dodge they once embraced.

After many more months of darkness, The Dodge returned. A man who had been to hell and back approached the podium. The Gilles told us of a new Viper - a new promise - and that America would soon be unified under an appreciation for the new Viper. Our nation's psychos would be comfortably ensconced once again in a faux-luxury hot rod that had a predilection for snap oversteer and brutal triple-digit crashes that atomized the occupants of the car.

America was safe. This time we had learned not to fear the Viper, but to fund it with our governments.

Son of Thunderbeast posted:

Enhydra lutris posted:

Hodor's Penis as presented in the Television Show is not exceptionally large; it is much smaller than a Horse Penis; Stallions have Penises of exceptional length; the longest Stallion Penis that I have measured was Eight Hundred and Thirty Millimetres (830mm) long when fully erect; belonging to a mature Australian Draught Horse (a large breed).

Eh! Frank posted:

Going back to SMG, does anybody have his take-down of Duke Nukem Forever? I'm not a fan of SMG, but that post was spot-on.

freeedr posted:

Anyone have he quotes where some kind of god is making the world and keeps making / saying creepy things, like making armpits weird hairy things for no reason

quote:

god making the earth: i like it really gross. thats what im into now

perfect angel: hey god. what are you doing in here

god: uhhhhhh

god: nothing

quote:

god: look at this. i made this, this planet, this Earth, it's magnificent. beautiful. perfect. ...too perfect.

*god's eye searches frantically and settles upon a slug resting next to two round rocks*

god: omg yesssss, yeah boy. boy....

quote:

god: dude check this out *holds lamprey up to angel's face*

angel: oh god gently caress what is that thing? eww

god: yeah it's pretty gnarly eh *holds it up to angel's face again*

angel: ah gross, stop

god: *pauses for a second then does it again, snickering quietly*

angel: stop. please

quote:

god: ok, four arms is enough, i'll call it a quadropus.

*reaches over to put tool away and knocks over arm container*

god: ugh goddamnit

quote:

god: this is fun and all, but how can i make it grosser

quote:

Angel: God, everyone loves your dinosaurs! the Triassic, the Jurassic! And then you managed to top even that with the Cretaceous! you knocked it out of the park! Everyone can hardly wait to see what you're going to do next!

God: man, I don't want to be known for just dinosaurs. I'm so much more than that. I've been working on something new, trying to take things in a new direction. check this out

*shows sketches of gross little warm-bodied things covered in fur*

Angel: er...

quote:

angel: hey we've been working on the design for the first human i got all the sketches and blueprints and stuff and tzazomatiel next door has a clay sculpture as a model if you want to go take a look

god [drawing with crayons]: its ok guys i got this

quote:

angel: my arms are perfect. they come to the shoulder but dont stop there

god: (thats it)

angel: i flex my arms and its like flexing all of my muscles. muscles that could destroy the angel bank or the angel theater--

god: (ill make a gross little pit where the arms stop. i love it)

angel: --but i would Never do that.

god: (this is gonna be awesome)

angel: my arms go on forever

quote:

lucifer, light bearer, the morningstar: so, bottom half of the body... the hands worked out real good, im thinking we just do them again

god: actually i had an idea about this, what came to me is, what about a weird, junked up hand instead. it is all scrunched up and painful and it smells bad and the fingers dont do poo poo.

lucifer: (holding head in hands with shoulders extremely tense)

quote:

angel: wow that's really good. really really good. it's perfect

god: i'm just going to-

angel: don't

god: make this thing-

angel: no it's good the way it is

god: there haha awesome

angel: i guess every artist really does go through a dick phase

quote:

god: ok you know how we have this perfected human form, all one contiguous thing, whole and perfect, animated by its own will alone

angel [cautiously]: yeah

god: well what if we did a whole...inside part, full of incredibly weird polyps that need a slurry of mashed up stuff to work, and they're all pink and purple and glisteny and constantly leaking fluids

angel: oh no

god: but get this...the human needs the fluids

angel: please stop

quote:

god: hair. i'm going to put hair on everything. armpits, monkeys, kiwis, japanese ghosts, everything. hair.

quote:

God: ...so I figured they can just absorb the essence of other life forms for sustenance like we do!

Angel: Ok, but...they're not astral beings, Lord, I don't see how they're going to partake of the luminous---

God: *points to hole in the front of the face*

Angel: Okaaaaayyyy?

God: They shove dead things right into this hole and instead of the Manipura chakra from whence flows our life energy, they got this squishy sack full of acid that melts stuff and turns it to slime then absorbs it with polyps.

Angel: Jesus Christ.

quote:

god: lets have them just shoot goo into a hole that is also filled with goo.

angel: that's...that's awkward.

god: yeah and i'm going to make them want to do it like...all the time lol

quote:

God: *studies Mars with a puzzled look on His face, stroking his beard*

God: Mars... Mars.... hmmmmmm... Oh! I got it! I'll put water on it after all but make it super salty! Lol no ones going to want to drink that! :p

quote:

god [excited]: i made this!

angel: gross what is it

god: i call it poop. now check this out

angel: ugh that's horrible what is it

god: i call it a fart. it's like poop, but invisible. farts are like angels for poops

quote:

god: and guess what else

angel: ...................

god: *biting bottom lip, arching eyebrows expectantly*

angel: ............... what

god: you can set'em on FIRE

quote:

god: hey lucy check this out its a dung beetle! it eats poo poo!

lucifer: better to reign in hell than deal with this

quote:

god: and if some of them like dookie stuff, whatever... don't tell me you've never wanted to experiment...

angel: but father, we don't even have dookie up here.

god: *blank stare, eyes wide, pointing at earth*

quote:

God: drat, volcanos are awesome. i really knocked it out of the park with that one.

gabriel: truly, Lord. i am in awe of their beauty and power.

God [not listening]: yeah yeah... flesh volcanos. my gift to man.

gabriel: w.. what? Lord, they're too b-

God: yeah. yeah! HELL YES! we doing this. gotta break out the good clay for this. i call them...zits

gabriel: you made us with an ever lasting love for you, bereft of free will, but somehow i've come to hate you

quote:

God: So I was looking at eyeballs and I thought, 'Isn't it weird that nothing eats people's eyeballs?' So I started some sketches, and, turns out there's a lot of great designs for that. Like tons. *picks up magical heaven manilla folder, spills thousands of designs on desk*

Angel: *stares blankly at them*

God: Yeah, I thought of all kinds of things like this. Like this guy eats eyeballs, he's a type of tiny worm. This guy coils up under people's skin, it causes crazy itching! It's great. This one creates lifelong debilitating fatigue, and is carried by an almost unnoticeable little insect that bites people constantly and drinks their blood. It's really something. There's no cure or anything either. People just stay sick forever LOL

Angel: What's the point of this though?? Why are you...

God: These guys burrow tunnels through human hearts as a part of their life cycle. This one will completely clog their intestines if they reproduce, to the point of both the human and all the nematodes dying. These little suckers just gestate inside a little pouch of skin, before worming their way out as they mature. This an amoeba that replicates like CRAZY inside a human brain. And this dude? Seriously, its this fish that just specifically jumps in the urethras of animals that get near it. And it's barbed -- almost impossible to get out of there without mega-trauma. Isn't that crazy awesome??

quote:

god: *makes elves and wizards*

god: eugh no

god: *replaces them with people obsessed with elves and wizards*

god: ugh, i'll fix this later

quote:

God: Hey Abraham go kill your kid in my name.

Abraham: OK, here I go *goes to stab kid*

God: NO WAIT STOP I just wanted to see if you'd do it! Sacrificing kids is wrong and you are no longer required to do it cuz I'm a super kind and loving god and it's an abomination.

Abraham: Wait then why did you ask me to do it in the first place?

God: I literally just wanted to see if you would kill your kid if I told you to. I want you to be so devoted to me that you'd kill your own son for me. But also killing your own son is SUPER horribly wrong and you should never do it ever.

Abraham: Except when you tell me to?

God: Yes. If I say so, you should totally do it. But I won't ever tell you to again. But like, if I DO, you should. But don't do it otherwise because it's a horrible sin. It's so horrible that if I tell you to do it, there's always the chance that I'm testing you to see if you'll do something horrible and if you do it I may get mad. At this point your only hope is to try and figure out what kind of mood I'm in that day.

Abraham: Huh.

God: Also, if your dad passes out drunk and naked in his tent and you look in there to check on him and see him naked accidentally, and then get embarrassed and put his coat on your back and back up to him to throw the coat over him so you won't see him naked again, I will loving make you go blind. For seeing your dad naked accidentally.

Abraham: Huh.

God: Yeah, I am crazy as gently caress.

quote:

priest: god hates it in the rear end. dont even think about it

god: um yep. oh yeah haha

priest: seriously, youre going to hell if you use your rear end

god: hahahaha

quote:

god [in workshop]: almost done with this hitler guy heh heh *tokes on a big j and passes it to an angel*

angel: i totally had this wicked twisted idea like...haha no you couldn't

god: loving tell me jfc dude

angel: what if you, like, made this guy really lovely so he hates and kills those chosen people you have a promise to protect? that'd be hilarious.

god: oh holy poo poo haha yeah

quote:

god: *helps a boxer punch harder*

god: heck ya!

god: *gazes lovingly down at a trash dump*

god: drat i'm good

god: *guides football into goal*

god: hoo boy you know it!

god: *creates windshield reflector that looks like sunglasses to prevent car from heating up in the sun*

god: i am the loving man

Karate Bastard posted:

Are you guys seriously furnishing with chests? I'd never, I say. I hope you do remember to check the direction of the chain, and to give it a solid thwack with your off arm before opening to retrieve your sordid socks or whatever. You scrublords do you not see that you are inviting doom to your house???

Kavak posted:

On a similar note, does anyone have that quote about the Dodge Viper and the kind of people who buy it?

Bertrand Hustle posted:

"Still in decent shape" is not a reassuring way to describe someone's brain.

Zulily Zoetrope posted:

That is an A+ thread and I appreciate the link, but the quote in question doesn't actually appear there at all.

Quixotic posted:

"feminism?!" newsmonster kramers in the door and just keeps kramering, sliding off around the room, bouncing against walls. he kramers against your toilet, busting it up big time. you get the feeling he's trying to say something to you but he's kramering at such a high velocity you just can't quite make it out. as he finally nails a window and falls out you think you hear him exclaim "I'm a feminist, that's what's so CRAZY about this" on the way down

Arivia posted:

Some novels are intentionally impenetrable and everything I have ever read about House of Leaves leads me to suspect that's the case with that book.

christmas boots posted:

Is that the one where the hero defeats the evil wizard by pulling a gun on him?

Nuclear War posted:

Does anyone have a resource for the adaptive systems posts? i could only find one and I would love to read the Nihilism one again

Outrail posted:

Link to what I hope was later presented as 'Exhibit A' during a justified manslaughter trial?

LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

I see I'm not the only one

LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

I guess I would probate myself if posting to answer community questions weren't something I think I'll need to do today. Raincheck.

fall sick and die posted:

I don't know how to deal with this at the moment. All kinds of thoughts are flying through my brain, dealing with some pretty serious confusion/angst. My wife was acting strangely, everything was fine but she seemed nervous and out of place. I finally confronted her about it and she told me, "I feel like I'm going to cry. Why are you growing that mustache?" I tried to play it off as nothing, "It's just a mustache, come on, does it really bother you that I've grown a little mustache?" She wouldn't have it. Her eyes literally were tearing up as she told me stuff like, "You look like a bad man." and "When I look at you now I feel very bad inside, like something is very wrong." I'm not joking, and I'm not exaggerating, this was what it was actually like.

I got a little incensed and told her that if I want to grow a mustache, why can't I? Who cares? She started telling me that "people" would think I looked like an idiot, they would talk about me behind my back, that no one would take me seriously and that my job, our small business, all kinds of things would start falling apart. She was in tears by this point, telling me that she felt like I was showing her a different side of myself she had never seen before. I laughed at this, and said she was being melodramatic, it was just a stupid mustache grown on a joke, but she wouldn't let go of it. She was so upset about it that I got real huffy, and went in and shaved it off right there. "Oh what are you doing, you don't have to do that." she said lamely unconvincingly. "Yes I do, because you literally just made me, so don't pretend that now that I've done it that I didn't have to do it, because a minute ago it was making you cry just to look at me."

We were pretty cold to each other the rest of the day, she'd try to blow past it but I felt like it was a pretty big deal. Could she not let me be me? What's the big deal about a little irreverence? As we left the house later to go run some errands, two guys and a girl on the elevator started talking about me right in front of me, thinking I didn't understand. "Say hello to the white guy, go on, say hello." "Oh no I can't, he will think I am trying to seduce him! Haha!" and then they'd giggle because of course to talk to a foreigner is ridiculous. Finally one said an unconvincing hello and I started saying real loud, "Wow your English is so good! Wow, great English! Did you study in America?? Hello! That's great, just like an American!" I was so upset about the mustache I started lashing out. They looked down at their feet in what I take to be shame, and I started talking in Chinese to my wife just to let them know that I'd understood everything they'd said.

As we left the elevator I told her how upset I was, that here in China, living as a foreigner in this place where there are so few other foreigners, I was used to people staring at me, treating me like a zoo exhibition rather than a real person. But when she started saying, "People will think you look terrible" what she really meant was that she herself thinks this. I told her that no matter what, people are going to think ridiculous things about me, but I expected better of her, thought that at least around her I didn't need to worry about people judging me for how I look rather than who I am. She started crying and I was still angry, so I didn't comfort her. She asked if I hated her, and I told her of course not, don't ever think something like that.

A few days of Hitler mustache caused probably one of the biggest arguments I have ever had with my wife (the other big one was about any future children attending Chinese public school). I... had to shave it off. I wish I didn't but I had to make a choice, and I assure you that she wasn't just annoyed or irked by my peculiarity, she was legitimately freaking out that I was growing this mustache. So I'm out of the contest... I can't do it. I can't put my wife through it, even though I know that morally I'm in the right, I have to make the compromise, I have to think about her.

For those of you still in this competition... you're gonna have to keep going without me. I led the pack at the beginning, I showed you the way. The flame that burns brightest burns fastest, and this shooting star blazed across the world with an unrepentant Hitler mustache... if only for a few days. If you're young... if you're unencumbered by human relationships, by dignity or regular employment, by society's false standards of beauty... please keep going, please make it to the end. Do what I was unable to do. I can't criticize you anymore, I can't lead you anymore. All I can do is tell you to keep going further, delving deeper, finding new ways to own the world and everyone in it. I don't know if I'll ever post on LF again after this. I'm twenty eight years old and married, thinking about how to support my future family. If I can't be all in, I don't want to try. I wish you all the best in life, I loved all of you in my way, I can't be an internet revolutionary anymore, I made a choice to be with this woman and I have to honor my vow. I'm not going to sit on the sidelines, I've got too much dignity. Maybe I'll go back to GBS fakeposting. Maybe I'll just read TVIV threads and count how many times people mention Firefly even though it was cancelled like a decade ago and think about how funny it is but never ever tell anyone. I don't know what the future holds for me but... it's not going to be great and it's not going to be special, and I guess I'm OK with that.

09/13/2010 - Hitler Mustache Forever

A HUNGRY MOUTH posted:

Outrail posted:

I'm not really invested in math or English society. Which one goes super insane? I'm guessing it's English and math crazy is just accepted as 'well yeah, he's a math nerd'.