Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us $3,400 per month for bandwidth bills alone, and since we don't believe in shoving popup ads to our registered users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
«141 »
  • Locked thread
Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

Size Matters

Gullipee Clinkerful
Giantess Abigail
Wandered Arabia
Looking to schtupp

Though all the men were too
nonbrobdingnagian
The Burj Kalifia
Filled her right up

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

spectres of autism
Feb 12, 2011

~it's like people say we're all gonna die
but me it's different i'm not trying to be alive~




Thunder Dome Week 203 - MYSTERY SOLVING TEENS

j u d g e c r i t s

7 ppl showed up to this week in the end so after i finished crying i read all the stories on my phone and judged accordingly. this wasnt a bad week. maybe not an amazing but i liked reading everything except maybe a few half baked ideas here and there. i had to throw out a loser but i wouldnt call any of these bad stories. most of them i will not call super good tho.

btw by and large the prose of this week was not particularly awesome, it mostly just got the job done.

Hammer Bros - Candybrain

this story started interesting w a mention of a “sensitivity” exam. wtf is a sensitivity exam??? i want to kno more.

Actually the whole opening para is some crazy stuff. Its not like particularly compelling prose but like the ideas a lot. Right off the gate it opens up a setting i want to kno more about, and i want to learn more about the kids who need to be graded on such weird metrics.

Lotta italics in this story. Its cute sometimes but less cute when it keeps happening.

Lunch scene seems pointless except to establish he eats braise. That braise tho.

Football scene is good tho cuz it establishes more weird poo poo and settles the story into a steady rhythm of making things progressively weirder.

quote:

Sometime during the third quarter Dave's eyes started to wander. Down the field the girls were practicing their cheerleading routine. They looked so wholesome that Dave couldn't help having complimentary thoughts about them.

im weird but this is funny.

So he has this weird thing on the back of his head messing him up and Billy’s for real tackle knocks it haywire. Got it.

quote:

The rest of the day passed like a dream, where the most arbitrary details seemed incongruous and remarkable yet David's conscious mind could not describe them.

its a good thing our narrator is omniscient and not david huh
When he starts teleporting ppl away and teleporting to doors its maybe his perceptions getting all crazy but i keep thinking about the 50s simulation in fallout 3 when you start messing w it.

The details like the door knocker and the lady’s hair are not like, smoothly woven into the sentences, but there are a lot of them and the word choice is semi-varied, making it good by this week’s standards.

idk who aller mieux is tbh

So the setup as i understand it is this. People here are all really messed up, some kind of hideous caricature of 50s americana, but a person(s) unknown has affixed them all with mind control antennas that make everything look normal to everyone.

The scene where he sneaks into his room is cool. Tension could be a bit higher but i feel the details.

!!! so my big problem is that he gives up on this whole plan when his mom (?) catches him. But… she leaves, and she looks like a nightmare, and the window is right there dude so just go thru it. Hes not being mind controlled anymore so wtf.

And whoevers in charge of the antennaes is on top of poo poo and hes re-controlled in the morning.

So i gave this an hm cuz it was a neat way of handling the prompt that didnt feel like it was just ignoring what i wanted. Some stuff was too obviously parodic but thats cool cuz everything went together well and the ideas stayed with me. Decent descriptions, competent prose. Im not numerically rating these.

Chairchucker - Rocket’s Mine

gently caress this opening para!!!!!! You never mention the pie eating contest again

Typo in your second para too. I appreciate this char having an actual horse tho.

So the sign thing is a semiotic thing and not just a destroyed thing but i didnt have the energy to care so w/e.

Duane is all about that bullion.

Ok so heres where i get all feminist. They see a door and naturally Duane i guess boxes out Audrey and tries the door. And audrey is all try knocking but really thats a weak passive thing. Unless its like an adventure game thing, combine duane w door. Knock on it your own self.

Duane is awfully trepidatious for an intrepid teen protag.

Here duane brings up a student election which is prolly because you couldnt think of how this would affect the pie eating contest. Admit it chairchucker!!!!!!!

Im having trouble picturing this setting. So is there just this huge space under the lake and inside theres walls like top down and then space on the side to move around? And then theres a door there. Ig thats it.

quote:

“What makes you so sure it’s capable of space flight?”
Idk dude but otherwise it would be one lame rocket

“Jolly good thing” this is more cheese british than cheese americana. These chars are british to me now dude

quote:

“Ohhhhhh,” said Audrey. “That’s what the sign would’ve said if it was intact. I guess there’s no mine, then.”

see above my thing about the semiotic trickery of the sign and that missing letters arent the problem

I dont have much to say about taking the rocket into town other than its p funny.

That horse didnt do jack but it would have been cruel to leave her

Well im glad he won the election anyway. Let yr power corrupt you and rig the pie eating contest

Simple prose that puts the ideas in my head, funny ideas, i didnt think super hard about hming it but a positive reading experience.

Thranguy - The Secret of Trevor's Hollow (An Ellen Hunt Mystery)

i appreciate you going so hard on this prompt

Janey status: nosey
Simon has crossed the thin line separating deductive reasoning from paranormal psychic power so well see if this is relevant later

Natives got boned as per usual. Aha get it boned??

Janey status: blog mirror

Simons characterization is funny but its a good thing he hasnt gotten rusty if jigsaw nite isnt real anymore.

Janey status: working the angles

quote:

Honestly, I'm doing better with the blog. But what I really want to know is why. It's a mystery, and you know how everybody says that if you want a mystery solved, go to-”

“Don't say it,” I said.
Ahaha

quote:

It was an old abandoned department store, way outside town where you get a single bar of signal about half of the time.
Nice foreshadowing

Fsr im fine w simon being basically psychic but the nameless protag picking locks effortlessly is a big deal. She is a self insert i say.

Nice bitcoin ref by hard and surly thug

quote:

I tried to hold my phone out, get some video of them. Mistake. The screen caught the lights. “What's that?” said one of the thugs. The phone slipped out of my hand, dropped down to the first floor. One of them picked it up and got to taking it apart and destroying the memory and SIM cards. Three more grabbed flashlights and ran upstairs looking for us. We tried to run, but there was no way to the exit, no way to hide. They caught me first. Simon probably could have made it out, but there was no way he was going to abandon me, so eventually they got him too.

Ok so this para is why i didnt hm this. There is a lot going on here and you are not describing it vividly as all. Rite so phone hits the lights. Thugs go wtf. Tension should be thru the roof but you kind of just flatly describe her dropping her phone. I want inner terror. But so she drops it. Is there some kind of impact there? And then they grab flashlights. Maybe describe beams of light wavering thru warehouse air. Then theyre like we tried to run but they found us.

WTFFFF

Isnt this a good time for a chase scene in a dilapidated old warehouse with all these floors and hard looking thugs shining flashlights everywhere?

I like dr farnums meltdown as he struggles against one of the rules i put in the prompt post.

Tbh all it would take is one person watching the stream to call the cops. Multiple ppl would be a bystander effect. Like in the chat window hey should we call the cops???

Fun read tho and i admire the attn paid to the prompt

Carl Killer Miller - Fabric

ok so i didnt ding this officially but this story didnt hit me rite at all. Prose wise its fine i think. Kind of dry but tbh a lot of stuff this week was like, not scorched desert dry, but maybe like the missing lake in the chairchucker story. Whatever tho. But yeah i was like:

First of all i wasnt esp looking for melodrama in this week. Not like real ppl w real problems. I wanted fun adventure and instead you have a guy doing a shutter island thing w his autistic son. Ty for tugging my heartstrings but its depressing as balls. And like the mom died in childbirth? Geez thats a convenient source of pathos.

Decent ending w the kid figuring out what makes japanese silk diff despite the whole thing being a simulation.

I wasnt like objectively offended by this? I mean like the story is fine. But heavy emotional stuff is not rly the way to my heart.

Flerp - Dreams Up High Above

ugh flerp. Pls dont have like knocked this out in a half hour or whatever. Too short to be effective, barely a story, not on prompt at all. I had to do it. Im glad you waited till after this week to get yr av back.

BUT
The prose was actually like higher end for this week. Nice wispy cloud imagery and ppl staring into space. The char has trouble dreaming so he cant even dream his way into the sky. That sucks. I would lose some filler words in yr prose but the whole thing has a nice floaty feeling tonewise

but i mean

The only concrete thing thats diff at the end is that he has a dream. Story set in a room. 600 words. His whole arc happens w/o him moving his head.

But i wasnt like ugh what a bad story from a bad writer. I was just like, i wish flerp had been way more ambitious w a 2k wc and that was enough to sink u this week.

Judging is weird


Black Griffon - Mischief in the Deep Creeps

use “because of” instead of “on account of” i mean srlsy

What exactly is a homework feed? You do homework you dont watch it

If you add Pauk to Verhov you get Pauk Verhov. Yeah…

I feel like if youre in the future w hoverbikes you can have adventures better than broadcasting bad poetry tbh

Narrative seems centred on Verhov making it awk that he knows the effectiveness of his own smile. Also id have gone w short name protag longer name friend. Easier on yr fingers al dude

quote:

The steady hum of their hoverbikes sounded stranger and more hollow the deeper they got, as relatively clean habs were exchanged with broken down units and collapsed tunnels.
Apparently the first couple levels of the Creeps arent even a big deal

Who is the coder? Did he code everything into existence? Are they in a simulation??

“Who is this.” alrite

Rite so the tension set up in this story is that theyre running from a tough treasure hunter. But they have the numbers game on their side so that seems weird already.

AND

In the end they all end up in the same dumb treasure room. That chase was the whole big conflict in the story and it ends up not mattering.

Ok they call the cops. Except like…

Blacks spaceships just dont teleport into subterranean rooms (unless they do). Its there for a reason and remember, this is some sort of high tech, like kind of BTTF but also kind of cyberpunk future. Which means unless im told otherwise, i have no idea what the motivations of like, factions are, ig? I mean i kno i laid out that laws are good. But you should still make it feel a little more natural cuz like you mention the Great War, and its like, maybe the side that won wasnt made up of saints.

But the cops arrest the guy who dares to, i mean, look for the black spaceship. Like they did. Id be like i was gonna give it to you guys too.

Another problem is that theyre firing action movie one liners back and forth while zooming hoverbikes around in a high speed life and death chase. Maybe just have them do the second one.

quote:

"You, my good man, are dealing with Pauk Dunder and Verhov Jones, Kid Curators."
More like you just finished dealing w them amirite

But eh

Not awful just some narrative cracks

Tyrannosaurus - Two Brothers and a Tiger Named Buddha

Hey so this won.

Rite so this was an obvious winner cuz the prose was good and there was story and characterization happening all over the place. The chars are distinct. Wannabe holy legend Maung. Ko, just trying to do the decent thing and not end up w a soul full of crazy. A friendly af tiger

quote:

The tiger licked my fingers with his rough, sandpaper tongue.
actually youd lose the skin off yr fingers from this

Tan. Tan is cool as heck. He has some kind of crazy hazy past that the story never gets into but im ok w that cuz you tried a lot w this.

Then in the end everyone is freaked about death but the tiger will help the kid escape sweet samsara.

Im not writing that much about this cuz like, nothing bad to nitpick? Generally it was a cool story that touched on a lot of themes, gave a lot of characters personalities and motivations. The headshot tiger added a sense of like hourglass tension. I think this could actually be a better story if you had more room to work w, fleshed out the setting, and maybe put more blood into some of yr descriptors.

But the chars were cool, their adventure was heavy in theme but under prompt rules, and in the end the stakes are ginormous. And the prose was the best thing this week, just vibe wise.

So yeah.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


I just want you all to know that whatever happens, you're all losers to me.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



an overwatch avatar is basically the losertar anyway

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


WEEK 205 RESULTPOST



The rituals have been performed, and the goats' blood is still warm on the stone floor. From the abyss come ravening creatures, to enlighten or destroy. Some of you have pleased the dark gods: Some Strange Flea, Entenzahn, Carl Killer Miller and curlingiron receive HMs for their glorious work. Some of you were driven insane by the shrieking from beyond, and will forever more spend your days shivering in dark corners: Chili, Archer666 and areyoucontagious are DMed - a brand on their skin that will last the rest of time.

Though he was cast over the pit by one of the triumvirate, Screaming Idiot impressed the other two so much with his devotion that he also receives an HM, though his soul will be forever twisted by it.

Of course, some suffer worse fates than others. One such luckless man gave us the worst thing he's ever written - something so aggressively half-assed that it was instantly, unanimously agreed on as the worst submission. Something that takes half a joke then beats it over the head for a torturous short story that went on far too long: Chairchucker, be damned forevermore.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, presumably because he's dumb and his mum was boning the judges, Djeser picks up a lame win or something idk what an rear end in a top hat.

Take it away you dumb baby bitch.

Scores out of 100 posted:

The Cuckoo, She’s a Pretty Bird 96
An Echo 89.3
Pisces 80
Three stories in a tightening world 74.6
Cutting Room Floor 74.6
Game Reserve 66.6
Shaggy 66.6
There He Waits Dreaming 65.3
Down and Out in Paris and R’lyeth 64
Inheritance 60
The unlit mirror 60
To wake the sleeping meat machine 57.3
Night Cold 57.3
No Fare 57.3
Moth 56
Underfoot 46.6
Smorzando 45.3
The Temple of Empty Words 45.3
An Epitaph for the Blameless Hearts 30.6
The Wailing Caves 21.3
The Scales of Justice 18.6
Family Trade 17.3
Abstraction 17.3
Charnel No. 5 8

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

Djeser posted:

an overwatch avatar is basically the losertar anyway

look at that shameful goon, still sporting his losertar

who will brand him with the avatar of redemption, sizzling and stinking with rendered subcutaneous fat

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

WEEK 205 RESULTPOST


sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

judgeburps by friday 2359pst

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Because I am dumb I used my ranking sheet to do the arithmetic in and they're all gone. Some Strange Flea was my winner, Djeser, CKM and Screaming Idiot were HMs, Thranguy and Flerp DM, Chairchucker dead loving last by a country mile.

Mojo did not like Screaming Idiot's piece at all but Rhino and I were crazy about it so I pulled judge fiat.

The overused trope this week (aka the SPACESHIP) was caves, caverns or holes in the ground.

The top secret score equation was ((X+Y+Z+1)/3)x4

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Thunderdome Week 206: WHIZZ! Bang! POW! Thunderdome!



I've read far too many stories about dream buses and sad flowers and boring nerds. These are all for LITERARY PANSIES. This week you're going to write ACTION AND ADVENTURE!

When you sign up I will roll my ACTION DICE and assign you a setting and a tagline. For instance, you may get ESCAPE! and DESERT. This could be anyone, any time period, anywhere. As long as someone's escaping from (or to) a desert, you're golden!

BUT WAIT, A TWIST! Adventure stories need exciting locales! You may not set the story in the continent you live on.

A few tips for this week:
  • Action alone isn't going to win you the week, so don't neglect your character's motivations.
  • I do actually care about you using this prompt, so if you miss it entirely, I will DM you, even if it's really pretty.
  • If you want a more specific setting within the category I roll for you, and ye shall receive.

Judges:
Djeser
flerp
spectres of autism

1100 words
Signups close 11 PM Pacific on Friday
Entries close 11 PM Pacific on Sunday

Adventurous souls:
Chili: City/You've got to hunt it down!
dmboogie: Jungle/It belongs in a museum!
Thranguy: Desert/Escape!
Noah: Vehicle/It belongs in a museum!
Pippin: Jungle/Rescue!
Sebmojo: Space/You've got to hunt it down!
Entenzahn: City/Escape!
LITERALLY MY FETISH: Desert/Protect this with your life!
Black Griffon: Space/Escape!
Guiness13: Jungle/This was supposed to be a simple job!
Fuubi: The deserts of an inhabited Mars/Escape!
Ceighk: Vehicle/You've got to hunt it down!
areyoucontagious: Vehicle/Rescue!
Carl Killer Miller: Desert/This was supposed to be a simple job!
Jonked: Vehicle/This was supposed to be a simple job!
Greatbacon: Mountains/Rescue!
Tyrannosaurus: Space/Rescue!
Flesnolk: City/Protect this with your life!
Bad Seafood: Mountains/It belongs in a museum!
sparksbloom: Vehicle/Protect this with your life!
SurreptitiousMuffin: Jungle/Escape!
Fuschia tude: Yucatán Jungle/Protect this with your life!
starr: Shola Jungle/You've got to hunt it down!
FouRPlaY: Mount Fuji/You've got to hunt it down!
JuniperCake: Great Red Spot power plant/This was supposed to be a simple job!
Screaming Idiot: Vehicle/Escape!
Poltergrift: City/Rescue!
The Cut of Your Jib: Space/It belongs in a museum!
Maigius: Desert/Rescue!

Additional judgenotes:
'Museum' does not need to be a literal museum.
'Vehicle' includes things such as on a train, on a ship, on horseback, on bikes, et cetera.
'Desert' includes cold deserts like the Arctic and Antarctic.

Djeser fucked around with this message at Jul 16, 2016 around 21:19

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

Awesome, I am in.

dmboogie
Oct 4, 2013



I'm looking forward to seeing what I'm in for.

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

In

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Chili posted:

Awesome, I am in.

You've got to hunt it down! in a City


dmboogie posted:

I'm looking forward to seeing what I'm in for.

It belongs in a museum! in the Jungle


Escape! in the Desert

Noah
May 31, 2011

Come at me baby bitch


In.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013




It belongs in a museum! on a Vehicle

Judgenote: 'Museum' does not need to be a literal museum.
'Vehicle' includes things such as on a train, on a ship, on horseback, on bikes, et cetera.

Pippin
May 25, 2016


Oh this sounds neat, count me in!

Hopefully my attempt this week will be less half-assed.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

In

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Pippin posted:

Oh this sounds neat, count me in!

Hopefully my attempt this week will be less half-assed.
Rescue! in a Jungle



You've got to hunt it down! in Space

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why didn't you invest in
Thunderdome?


In

LITERALLY MY FETISH
Nov 11, 2010

Could people please stop fighting the avatar war over my avatar. I really appreciate people being nice about it but I'm feeling crappier that people are wasting money because someone is an asshole than I am about the avatar in the first place.


In

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013




Escape! in a City



Protect this with your life! in the Desert

Black Griffon
Mar 12, 2005

Now, in the quantum moment before the closure, when all become one. One moment left. One point of space and time. I know who you are.

You are destiny.


In!

Guiness13
Feb 17, 2007

The best angel of all.

It's been too long. In

Fuubi
Jan 18, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Ok time for some stylish losing! I'm in, and, since I missed a deadline a few weeks back,

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

Ceighk
May 27, 2013

THUNDERDOME LOSER

in

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013




Escape! in Space


Guiness13 posted:

It's been too long. In

This was supposed to be a simple job! in the Jungle

Fuubi posted:

Ok time for some stylish losing! I'm in, and, since I missed a deadline a few weeks back,

Escape! in the Deserts of an inhabited Mars!





You've got to hunt it down! on a Vehicle

areyoucontagious
Jun 13, 2007

Hell is other people.


Practice makes things a little better. Shooting for being better than a DM. In.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



areyoucontagious posted:

Practice makes things a little better. Shooting for being better than a DM. In.

Rescue! on a Vehicle

Carl Killer Miller
Apr 28, 2007


This sounds awesome-fun. I'm in.

Jonked
Feb 15, 2005

by exmarx


I'm in, give me a good one.

Greatbacon
Apr 9, 2012

conquistador wuz heer



Rolling IN

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk



Narnia remake looking good.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

In.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Carl Killer Miller posted:

This sounds awesome-fun. I'm in.

This was supposed to be a simple job! in the Desert


Jonked posted:

I'm in, give me a good one.

This was supposed to be a simple job! on a Vehicle


Greatbacon posted:

Rolling IN

Rescue! in the Mountains



Rescue! in Space

Judgenote: 'Desert' includes cold deserts like the Arctic and Antarctic.

Djeser fucked around with this message at Jul 12, 2016 around 20:56

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

If only, THUNDERDOME


In.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Hit me.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013




Protect this with your life! in a City




It belongs in a museum! in the Mountains

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


yeah ok in

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013




Protect this with your life! on a Vehicle

  • Locked thread
«141 »