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Hundreds of authors. Thousands of stories. Over 4 million words. The blood the blood the bloo Thunderdome 2012 Thunderdome 2013 Thunderdome 2014 Thunderdome 2015  CLICK HERE FOR CURRENT PROMPT What is Thunderdome? Thunderdome is a mean, bloody, no-holds-barred weekly flash fiction contest where the judges are harsh and the critiques are barbed. It’s a place for people who are ready to have the weakness and bad prose suctioned out of their bodies with a shop vac. I'd like to sacrifice my lovely prose to the lovely prose gods. How do I participate? Most wildly successful writers start by reading the goddamned prompt post. Generally, these self-starters will include a post that says ‘In’, or some such, to indicate their intention to write a story. The prompt post will include indispensable information including, but not limited to, the signup deadline, the submission deadline, the allotted word count, and the prompt itself. Sometimes the prompt is a bit of abstract inspiration, sometimes it’s a rigorous set of rules designed to challenge participants. Sometimes the prompt involves sparkly mermen, because let’s face it, writers take themselves way too loving seriously. Once you’ve made your ‘in’ post (by the signup deadline in the prompt post), it’s your job to write the least terrible story you can think of by the submission deadline. No editing your story once you’ve posted it! As soon as you hit ‘submit’, a massive orbital fist is aimed strategically at your rear end in a top hat. Anyone who edits a submission post gets a fistin’ (and is disqualified for the week). The winner of the week becomes the next bossjudge, and the cycle of futile suffering continues. Who gives me my participation trophy? Thunderdome judges may give out a number of mentions each week. There is always a winner, and nearly always a loser. Participants may also receive an honorable mention, if their story was in contention for the win, or a dishonorable mention if they barely avoided a loss. Losers get a free avatar!  A note on losing: So, you hosed up, much to no one’s surprise. Anyone who’s lost will tell you, we all have that lip-quivering, misty-eyed moment of oh god, I’m terrible, I should quit writing forever!! While these are, to some extent, normal writer thoughts, it’s important to remember that a loss in Thunderdome is not an indictment of your potential or capacity as a writer. You should be asking yourself, “Why did three people think my story sucked?” Giving up forever or screaming about how the judges just don’t ‘get’ you are also options, but not advisable ones. Thunderdome has generated more than 9,000 critiques, so even if you faceplant on your first entry, stick around! Someone will be more than happy to tell you exactly what you hosed up, and how to fix it. You probably won’t listen the first 30 times, which is why Thunderdome is a weekly flash fiction contest! You can bash your head against that brick wall as many times as it takes. Think of it as a sort of trepanation procedure for your terrible writing habits. The judges will be there to shout at you every step of the way. On Judging (Or: Oh god I won, what do I do???) Ius Iudicis: Judge’s right, judge’s responsibility, judge’s law The very first thing you should do as a brand new judge is read this page If you don’t post the next prompt very soon after judgment, goons will make mean GIFs about you and generally shart up the thread like big lovely babies. Judges should be prepared to read anywhere from fifteen to thirty thousand words in about two days. It’s not terribly hard, but this IS goon fiction you’re reading, so it will be heartily terrible. If you absolutely can’t manage this, and have a very very good reason, you can probably abdicate your bossjudge duties to someone else. But why would you pass over the opportunity to make goons’ lives hell for a week? Judges should also be prepared to give some sort of feedback in the form of critiques. Even just a few sentences will do, though more elaborate, thoughtful critique is always welcome. Please participate in at least a few weeks of Thunderdome before you offer to co-judge. And finally, quote:Three shalt be the number of judges, and the number of judges shall be three. I’m a dumb baby who knows everything about nothing, who can I pester with more questions? Lots of fun stuff, including some judging, happens over IRC. We have a few rules.
You can find us in #Thunderdome on SynIRC. You can also PM Sittinghere over IRC if you have any questions. What’s some other important poo poo I’m going to forget/ignore??
Sitting Here fucked around with this message at 06:27 on Dec 28, 2016 |
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Jan 4, 2016 22:29
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sebmojo posted:on brawling by sebmojo
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Jan 4, 2016 22:29
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Assembled for Your Convenience: The Thunderdome Archive! Once upon a time, two Thunderdome veterans who shared a fondness for records, a fascination with statistics, and a touch of OCD conceived the greatest project ever imagined: the Thunderdome Archive, where everyone's literary shame could be displayed forever. crabrock bought a domain and used his mastery of code to make all his visions come true. Kaishai assisted him by trawling the threads for prompts, stories, and relevant .gifs. Together they continue to fight the crime that is data loss. The Archive's purpose is to store the over five million words of creative effluvium written for TD to date. If you want to make use of it to the fullest degree (which includes reading the stories), you'll need an account, which you can request through the link at the top left of the page. Note that accounts are open to participants only. If you're desperate to read about Vorpal Drones and vambraces at sea without having to search the threads, you must first shed blood. We have graphs!  We have lists and rankings!   We have mad libs!  (Please read "Rural Rentboys," Thunderdome's most beloved classic, to understand 2016teen and to reach true spiritual enlightenment.) And much, much more! Visit the Thunderdome Archive today! Kaishai fucked around with this message at 06:35 on Dec 31, 2016 |
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Jan 4, 2016 22:29
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Thunderbrawls of 2016pre:Thunderbrawl 164 by Mercedes: Sitting Here vs. Broenheim vs. Entenzahn vs. Schneider Heim vs. klapman vs. Fuschia tude Round 1 Sitting Here Thunderbrawl 165 by Sitting Here: Thranguy vs. spectres of autism Round 1 Thranguy Thunderbrawl 166 by crabrock: C7ty1 vs. Broenheim Round 1 C7ty1 Thunderbrawl 167 by Ironic Twist: God Over Djinn vs. SurreptitiousMuffin Round 1 God Over Djinn Thunderbrawl 168 by Broenheim: Sitting Here vs. Grizzled Patriarch Round 1 Sitting Here Thunderbrawl 169 by sebmojo: spectres of autism vs. flerp Round 1 spectres of autism Thunderbrawl 170 by crabrock: Sitting Here vs. Ironic Twist Round 1 Ironic Twist Thunderbrawl 171 by sebmojo: Carl Killer Miller vs. newtestleper Round 1 newtestleper Thunderbrawl 172 by flerp: spectres of autism vs. Djeser Round 1 Djeser Thunderbrawl 173 by Sitting Here: sebmojo vs. SurreptitiousMuffin Round 1 sebmojo Thunderbrawl 174 by newtestleper: Carl Killer Miller vs. sebmojo Round 1 sebmojo Thunderbrawl 175 by sebmojo: flerp vs. Titus82 Round 1 flerp Thunderbrawl 176 by Entenzahn: Jitzu_the_Monk vs. sparksbloom Round 1 Jitzu_the_Monk Thunderbrawl 177 by Ironic Twist: Entenzahn vs. Sitting Here Round 1 Sitting Here Thunderbrawl 178 by SurreptitiousMuffin: The Saddest Rhino vs. Thranguy Round 1 Thranguy Thunderbrawl 179 by SurreptitiousMuffin: sebmojo vs. newtestleper Round 1 newtestleper Thunderbrawl 180 by SurreptitiousMuffin: Ironic Twist vs. dmboogie Round 1 dmboogie Thunderbrawl 181 by SurreptitiousMuffin: spectres of autism vs. Maugrim Round 1 spectres of autism Thunderbrawl 182 by SurreptitiousMuffin: curlingiron vs. Titus82 Round 1 curlingiron (by default) Thunderbrawl 183 by SurreptitiousMuffin: Oxxidation vs. Entenzahn Round 1 Entenzahn Thunderbrawl 184 by SurreptitiousMuffin: Morning Bell vs. Dr. Kloctopussy Round 1 Morning Bell Thunderbrawl 185 by SurreptitiousMuffin: Carl Killer Miller vs. sparksbloom Round 1 sparksbloom Thunderbrawl 186 by flerp: Obliterati vs. Screaming Idiot Round 1 Screaming Idiot Thunderbrawl 187 by Boaz-Jachim: Chili vs. ZeBourgeoisie Round 1 Neither Thunderbrawl 188 by sebmojo: Black Griffon vs. newtestleper Round 1 Black Griffon (by default) Thunderbrawl 189 by SurreptitiousMuffin: curlingiron vs. Entenzahn Round 1 curlingiron Thunderbrawl 190 by SurreptitiousMuffin: newtestleper vs. dmboogie Round 1 newtestleper Thunderbrawl 191 by SurreptitiousMuffin: spectres of autism vs. Morning Bell Round 1 spectres of autism Thunderbrawl 192 by SurreptitiousMuffin: Thranguy vs. sparksbloom Round 1 Thranguy Thunderbrawl 193 by Ironic Twist: God Over Djinn vs. flerp Round 1 flerp Thunderbrawl 194 by SurreptitiousMuffin: curlingiron vs. spectres of autism Round 1 spectres of autism Thunderbrawl 195 by SurreptitiousMuffin: newtestleper vs. Thranguy vs. Sitting Here Round 1 Thranguy Thunderbrawl 196 by flerp: spectres of autism vs. God Over Djinn Round 1 God Over Djinn Thunderbrawl 197 by sebmojo: Tyrannosaurus vs. Jonked Round 1 Tyrannosaurus Thunderbrawl 198 by SurreptitiousMuffin: Thranguy vs. PALE SPECTRES Round 1 PALE SPECTRES Thunderbrawl 199 by crabrock: sebmojo vs. Entenzahn Round 1 sebmojo Thunderbrawl 200 by Chili: Jitzu_the_Monk vs. curlingiron Round 1 curlingiron Thunderbrawl 201 by curlingiron: PALE SPECTRES vs. Sitting Here Round 1 Sitting Here Thunderbrawl 202 by Chili: Electric Owl vs. Djeser Round 1 Neither Thunderbrawl 203 by Entenzahn and Mercedes: flerp vs. Sitting Here Round 1 Sitting Here Thunderbrawl 204 by Sitting Here: Mercedes vs. Entenzahn Round 1 Entenzahn Thunderbrawl 205 by SurreptitiousMuffin: llamaguccii vs. Maigius Round 1 llamaguccii (by default) Thunderbrawl 206 by flerp: Chili vs. sebmojo Round 1 sebmojo Thunderbrawl 207 by Chili: BeefSupreme vs. Erogenous Beef Round 1 Erogenous Beef Thunderbrawl 208 by crabrock: Mrenda vs. Hawklad Round 1 Mrenda Thunderbrawl 209 by Chairchucker: sebmojo vs. Sitting Here Round 1 Sitting Here Thunderbrawl 210 by Sitting Here: Djeser vs. Boaz-Jachim Round 1 Boaz-Jachim Thunderbrawl 211 by flerp: SkaAndScreenplays vs. sebmojo Round 1 SkaAndScreenplays Kaishai fucked around with this message at 14:51 on Jan 4, 2017 |
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Jan 4, 2016 22:30
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im gay cuck I'm gay hth Trump Hillary Clinton Bernie Sanders neoliberal HAPPY NEW THREAD THUNDERDOME HERE ARE CRITS FOR THE LAST WEEK The Night Winds I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t have a clue what is happening. I feel like you know what you’re meaning to say and what you’re trying to do but I just can’t figure it out. It’s just, so weirdly written and we’re moving around from ports to ships and then there’s a pronoun of “he” but idk who “he” is, and I don’t think it’s the first mate, but it might be, and I also think there’s a gay lover or something but idk if that’s true or I’m reading too far into it or even reading this story at all. Like, where I am? Who are these people? What is going? What are the stakes? Like, I would say make me care but you don’t even tell me what there is. It’s just like words that are stringed together that are coherent, but don’t add up to anything at all. It’s like, anti-writing. Fascinating. Also, for some reason you’re not capitalizing I’s in contractions, which makes me think you’re relying a little on auto-correct. I don’t know what happened or really anything. Lasting Peace The beginning was tight, interesting, but then it just becomes a dissection on how “War is bad and WWII was absolutely bad” and it’s like, yeah, you’re right, but you don’t anything unique with it. It’s just like, ok cool, I’ve heard this a hundred times before in much more unique and cooler ways Post-WWI and WWII art is super awesome and cool in how they express their anguish because it’s not like “Man war sucks,” it’s usually done by representation of different moments. Look at Max Beckman’s The Night or The Fate of the Animals by Franz Marc (this one was actually painted before WWI but w/e) because they show what you’re trying to do. These pieces are incredibly personal while yours was initially personal, it then descended into “I am the writer saying WWII was bad.” Also, the pieces show their feelings in unique ways while yours is just not very unique. This had the ability to be a good piece, I feel. I am a sucker for war stories. I love what you can do with them, and I love it when people take perspectives of people outside of the soldiers and what war means to people outside of the fighting (that is what makes Anne Frank’s story so powerful and popular after all). However, this just did not feel very honest or personal. Also, the story itself just kind of blows. The plot is - “Lady is sad, continues being sad, then remembers she has a journal and writes about the guy, then she tries to talk to an old friend.” Nothing happens. Well, ok, one thing happens at the end, but it’s like, your character mopes around for a while and now, all of a sudden, she like “welp, time to stop being sad.” Like, I don’t get it. Why now? What’s happened to her in this moment, after a year, that THIS is the moment she’s over it? I mean, if you’re sad for a year, there needs to be something more than “Oh, I remember this journal this had and I wrote in it” to make you not sad anymore. idgi. I liked the rat metaphor though. The Ballad of Einar PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: USING WORDS LIKE PROMPTLY, QUICKLY, SWIFTLY, ETC. DOES NOT SPEED UP ACTIONS IN YOUR STORY. IT DOES THE OPPOSITE. PLEASE CEASE USING THOSE lovely ADVERBS, THANK YOU. Is this a comedy? Was this supposed to be funny? Because I’m not sure. It’s stuck somewhere between “Generic fantasy” and “Generic fantasy comedy” and I don’t get it I guess. The comedy gets in the way of the story and the story gets in the way of the comedy. The problem with the comedy is that you focus so much on the funny bits that you don’t ever tell a story really. And then the comedy makes you make an ending that’s just “welp, nothing changed lol” so uhhhh why the gently caress do I care? Then your story gets in the way because you feel like you play it straight the entire way through. Like, are the really long names supposed to be funny? Because they’re not. They’re not even close. Like, what’s the joke with the names? Lol fantasy names are dumb? Is that it? Is that all you’ve got. Anyways, this story wasn’t awful I guess because it was so not a comedy (even though I think that was your intention) that it was still an actual story with actual things happening in it so you saved yourself. Still, not funny, at all. At the end of the day, I didn’t laugh and I didn’t care. Fallaway I liked this. This was good, well written, engaging, blah blah blah, but I really hated the ending revelation. It’s like, I wishing for something more than a collective consciousness kind of thing. I think you could’ve done something more clever or interesting or thematically interesting or unique and you just settled for this. I also don’t get the relationship between Mia and Evan, since it seems like the thing in the well induces people to join it by using the person it loves or cares about, but Mia and Evan don’t seem to care about each other that much that it doesn’t make sense? Idk. Still, was good. I just wished the whole revelation was more unique rather than a whole “We are legion” kind of deal. There’s something here with the beginning, but you have to pay us with more than “spooky hivemind that lives in the bottom of the well for some reason.” Scar Tissue I also liked this. The writing was solid, really engaging, but weird poo poo just kind of happened in the beginning. Like, wtf, why is this guy who just got sober coming home with a bottle of champagne? Like, I mean I know you’re trying to show character, but nobody, just nobody, is that loving stupid. Like, geez. Then he gets drunk, and I kind of wish you focused the relationship more on the narrator and the little girl. The deadbeat dad or brother or whatever felt pretty cliche and I think if you focused on the humanity of the moment rather than “Dad’s a drunk  “ then this could work better. One thing I was spit balling was, while the dad and the mother are fighting, the narrator focuses on the daughter to try and keep the damage to her at a minimum. That way, you get best of both worlds, having the dad and mom fight which I imagine is what you want, and also giving your narrator some agency and goal in this story. Still good, and still the best story this week. Doesn’t mean it’s great. 17 and a half promise If you use a colon, the next word is capitalized. Gimmick does you no help, story too broad to be truly affecting, not terrible though. This isn’t terribly written, but there’s too much going on in this flash for it ever live up to itself. We start out with this relationship between teenagers, and then you move towards a guy becoming a wizard and becoming a shady, and there’s just too much. You’re packing too much in that I’m not sure what the focus is meant to be. I mean, yeah, the character, but like, there’s nothing for me to hold onto as a specific moment in this story. I’m not sure what’s important. Idk, this wasn’t awful, but it just didn’t engage me. Ent considered HMing this, it’s just, for me, something’s off about it. The wizardry doesn’t really help, the gimmick does really nothing for me because if you took the numbers off, it’d just be paragraphs of prose with no change. There isn’t bad, but I really, don’t hate this and that’s it. One Last Play poo poo opening. Supposed to be funny? Idk. Decent story, kind of limited in scope, doesn’t really matter, kind of dumb. I don’t hate this, but idk what to say about this. You wrote a story about a guy hiding a football injury and then he eats celery. Your ending is a sitcom. This story is a sitcom. It had the same “Is this supposed to be funny” aspect of a sitcom and everything. Wow. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t like sitcoms and your story was a sitcom. Every criticism that exists for sitcoms is the same for your story. That’s all I need to say. Your story is a sitcom. Sitting Here’s Story of Being a Hotel Worker The dialogue in this is absolutely atrocious, I have to say. Like, c’mon now, people are saying exactly what they want to say. And, idk about you, but in a moment where somebody is crying on a bed, clutching an urn while sprinklers are on, I would not loving say “Would that be that Mrs. Schipper?” Like, wow, that’s just god awful. However, your ending is interesting, I just wish you hadn’t made the guy horribly unlikable and also that you didn’t focus so much on hotel logistics when the real interesting part is “guy with dead wife comes back to his holiday getaway.” I know you're a hotel person but like, nobody loving cares about the person at the front desk, they want to know more about the crotchety old man who’s fulfilling his dead wife’s last wish. This is like Writer Mistakes 101. Bad dialogue, boring opening, main character has no motivation, interesting character isn’t the protagonist but a side character, too long opening, etc. Like, you know better so I feel like I’m wasting my breath with you. Moving On and Up Normally, I wouldn't have read this but Ent said "I'm not sure if I should DM this" so then I read it and said "Yeah, I'm ok with a DM." You got a lot of backstory, a lot of names of gods and people and what not, but I have no idea who they are. What Ent says in his results is p. much my feelings on this. It's like I just flipped to a random chapter of a fantasy novel and I have no idea who or what is going on, and you act as if I should know all these names that you pulled out of your rear end. Still, at the end of the day, through all the weird names and nonsense that I do not care about and had me horribly bored, your story is just about two people climbing a tower where you realize why we're climbing a tower when we reach the top of the tower. This was boring and had an impenetrable backstory that I bet you knew what was going on, but in a flash piece, will never, ever work. flerp fucked around with this message at 02:51 on May 26, 2016 |
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Jan 4, 2016 22:43
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thanks for the good crits, which were also fast crits. these two qualities were independent of each other.
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Jan 4, 2016 22:46
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Proooooooooooooooooooooooooompt.
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Jan 4, 2016 23:06
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Thanks for the crit dude!
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Jan 4, 2016 23:48
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posting early in the thread so that all year i can find my post easy and push the ? button and see all of my posts. edit: there's gonna be a lot. edit2: not making any predictions this year. i'll probably just fall over and stop working.
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Jan 4, 2016 23:56
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it's a new thread so i think this needs to be said hey sh you're dumb and you write bad and overall my opinion of you is subpar so brawl me
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Jan 5, 2016 00:10
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Broenheim posted:it's a new thread so i think this needs to be said but i don't disagree so why would i want to fight about it? 
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Jan 5, 2016 00:36
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ladies and gentlemen, for 2016 I bring you...anti-kayfabe
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Jan 5, 2016 00:36
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this is just as great as all the stuff you brought us in 2015 
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Jan 5, 2016 00:38
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Thunderdome Recaps Starting in 2015teen, various Thunderdome participants turned their time, their voices, their questionable intelligence, and their ever-dubious charisma toward the task of discussing rounds recently past. These are the links to follow if you want to hear goons talk about you, assuming your writing is crappy enough to distinguish itself in the fecal pile. You may also hear Ironic Twist singing like Justin Timberlake. Don't say you weren't warned. pre:Episode Recappers Week 156: LET'S GET hosed UP ON LOVE Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Djeser Week 157: BOW BEFORE THE BUZZSAW OF PROGRESS Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 158: LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Djeser Week 159: SINNERS ORGY Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 160: Spin the wheel! Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 161: Negative Exponents Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 36: Polishing Turds -- A retrospective special! Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and The Saddest Rhino Week 162: The best of the worst and the worst of the best Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and The Saddest Rhino Week 163: YOUR STUPID poo poo BELONGS IN A MUSEUM Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 164: I Shouldn't Have Eaten That Souvlaki Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 165: Back to School Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 166: Comings and Goings Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 167: Black Sunshine Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 168: She Stole My Wallet and My Heart Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 169: Thunderdome o' Bedlam Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 170: Cities & Kaiju Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 171: The Honorable THUNDERDOME CLXXI Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 172: Thunderdome Startup Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 173: Pilgrim's Progress Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 174: Ladles and Jellyspoons Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 175: Speels of Magic Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 176: Florida Man and/or Woman Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 125: Thunderdome is Coming to Town -- Our sparkly past! SH, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, Grizzled Patriarch, and Bad Seafood Week 177: Sparkly Mermen 2: Electric Merman Boogaloo SH, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, Grizzled Patriarch, and Bad Seafood Week 178: I'm not mad, just disappointed Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 179: Strange Logs Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 180: Maybe I'm a Maze Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 181: We like bloodsports and we don't care who knows! Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 182: Domegrassi Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and Bad Seafood Week 183: Sorry Dad, I Was Late To The Riots Sitting Here, Djeser, Kaishai, and crabrock Week 184: The 2015teen Great White Elephant Prompt Exchange Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 98: Music of the Night -- Songs of another decade Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 185: Music of the Night, Vol. II Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 186: Giving away prizes for doing f'd-up things Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 187: Lost In Translation Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 188: Insomniac Olympics Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 189: knight time Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 190: Three-Course Tale Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 191: We Talk Good Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 192: Really Entertaining Minific Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 30: We're 30 / Time to get dirty -- A magical time Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 193: the worst week Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 40: Poor Richard's Thundervision -- Let the ESC begin! Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 144: Doming Lasha Tumbai -- Classic performances Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 194: Only Mr. God Knows Why Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 195: Inverse World Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 196: Molten Copper vs. Thunderdome Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 197: Stories of Powerful Ambition & Poor Impulse Control Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 198: Buddy Stuff Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 199: EVERYBODY KNOWS poo poo'S hosed Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 1: Man Agonizes over Potatoes -- A dirty, painful birth Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Kaishai, and sebmojo Week 200: Taters Gonna tate Fuckers Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Kaishai, and sebmojo Week 201: Old Russian Joke Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 202: THUNDER-O-S! Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 203: MYSTERY SOLVING TEENS Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 204: Hate Week Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 205: the book of forgotten names Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 206: WHIZZ! Bang! POW! Thunderdome! Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 207: Bottle Your Rage Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 208: Upper-Class Tweet of the Year Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 209: WHAT DO YOU GET A DOME THAT HAS EVERYTHING?? Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 210: Crit Ketchup Week Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 211: Next-Best Friend Week Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 212: Vice Week Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 213: Punked Out Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 214: THUNDERDOME ALL-STAR TRIBUTE Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Kaishai, and The Saddest Rhino Week 215: El sueño de la razón produce el Thunderdome Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 216: Historical Redemption (or: Sin, Lizzie) Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai Week 217: SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIORS, ATTACK! Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 218: Duel Nature Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 219: cos wer goffik Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 152: Rhymes with Red, White, and Blue -- Voidmart opens! Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 220: Enter the Voidmart Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 221: The Escape of the Bad Words. Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 123: Ceci N'est Pas une Nouvelle -- Surreal history Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and Bad Seafood Week 222: Deliver Us From Bad Prompting Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and Bad Seafood Week 223: Dear Thunderdome Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 224: I Wanna Dome You Like An Animal Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 225: Pick a Century Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 226: Viking Wisdom Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Week 227: It was a Dark and Stormy Night.... Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai Special Features! The Top Ten poo poo Scenes of Thunderdome Sitting Here, Kaishai, Ironic Twist, and Djeser Kaishai fucked around with this message at 22:49 on Jan 6, 2017 |
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Jan 5, 2016 00:45
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Alright, let's get this prompt a-rollin'. THUNDERDOME WEEK CLXXIX: Strange Logs I guess this picture is thematically appropriate, I dunno I'm tired of searching. Since I guess everyone is now officially spending all of their waking hours playing Undertale or Angry Birds or whatever instead of writing, I've cooked up a little prompt that should prove both interesting and topical! This week I want you guys to head over to The Strange Log, a twitter compendium of video game bug fixes and patch notes that have their own bizarre, magical charm. Divorced from any context or logic, these little gems are the perfect seeds for some really compelling fiction. So pick a patch note, interpret it however you'd like, and give me your best shot! A couple notes: If you're struggling to pick, I'd recommend going with something that has some hint of conflict baked into it. A lot of people are going to be tempted to write conceptual pieces that don't actually have a narrative arc, and that would not be prudent. You can choose to let me pick your prompt for you in exchange for 200 bonus words if nothing is grabbing you or if you don't trust yourself to edit a story under the wordcount or something. You can also crit someone else's story from any previous week (please pick someone that is still active in the Dome, so that they might actually see it) for an additional 200 bonus words! You can tell me your pick when you sign up or you can edit it in later, I don't care. As long as I know what it is when I'm reading the stories. You can pick the same one as someone else if you really want to. Wordcount: 1200 words Sign up by: Midnight EST on Friday, January 8th Submissions Close: Midnight EST on Sunday, January 10th Judges: Grizzled Patriarch SurreptitiousMuffin ??? Strange Loggers: Mercedes - "Toilets are no longer death traps" WeLandedOnTheMoon! - "error when a cult leader drinks laudanum and decides to leave their cult" (+200 words) curlingiron  - "if a player drank Whisky in their apartment until they passed out, this could cause a clone to appear who would then attack them." (+200 words)Thranguy - "Doctor repeatedly tries and fails to suture wounds that have already healed" (+200 words) Broenheim - "Snail freed from trailing-plant prison—now moves freely, incorporeally through all biological matter." klapman - "Fort gets sieged by invisible friendly elf/human babies" Sitting Here - "signs and books will destroy the world after a while. Don't use or have them." (+200 words) Wangless Wonder - "Fixed burning players being unable to see themselves on fire" unwantedplatypus - "It is no longer possible to ride a mount inside Bartleby and Daughters bank" HellishWhiskers - "Listening to a sermon caused colonists’ bodies to explode" (+200 words) C7ity1 - kurona_bright - "The entrance elevator door has had a stern talking to, and should no longer lock people inside." Bandiet - "Rabbit falls through snow layers and suffocates." Killer-of-Lawyers - "Mick & Ralph's no longer store strange meat and strange meat pies in their fridges," (+200 words) ghost crow - "Potions are tasting much better now, especially the harmful ones." (+200 words) Djeser - "Adjusted value of bees" Amused Frog - "The Grim Reaper will no longer be prevented from reaping souls due to band affiliation." (+200 words) theblunderbuss - "Dead birds no longer continue to play bird sounds." sebmojo - "Inanimate objects no longer write journal entries when they die" Entenzahn - "New dwarves take impact damage on arrival. One died." CaligulaKangaroo - "Colonists will occasionally turn into fishpeople and run into the sea" (+200 words) Ironic Twist - "Merchants climb up tree and go insane" (+200 words) RedTonic - "stopped vampires from pinning their crimes on babies and children" (+200 words) Ceighk - "Ghost crabs have been moved from the crypt to the swamp" FreudianSlippers - "Crops planted/tended by mad cultists will occasionally be Evil" (+200 words) Pham Nuwen - "Wizards will now hear the pitter patter of their little feet" Sixto Lezcano - "There is no warning when hitting floating eyes." (+200 words) newtestleper - "Stopped zombies from interrupting your sleep to ask if they can help you with something" (+200 words) Jeza - “Fix walkable area in subway so Dropsy can't walk beyond the darkness.” Bleusman - "Now all giants, no matter how awkward, count for something." (+200 words) Masonity - "Rain kills everything it lands on" Grizzled Patriarch fucked around with this message at 04:12 on Jan 9, 2016 |
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Jan 5, 2016 00:49
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It's about time I'm back in this poo poo and write some more eroti- stories. Toilets are no longer death traps Mercedes fucked around with this message at 04:18 on Jan 5, 2016 |
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Jan 5, 2016 01:00
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Pick a glitch for me, old man.
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Jan 5, 2016 01:02
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In with a for my last failure. GP, if you would do me the honor of assigning a bug fix, I would be much obliged.
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Jan 5, 2016 01:04
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In, and I'll take an assigned glitch as well.
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Jan 5, 2016 01:06
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Sitting Here posted:but i don't disagree so why would i want to fight about it? because we're friends  also im in edit: Snail freed from trailing-plant prison—now moves freely, incorporeally through all biological matter. flerp fucked around with this message at 01:14 on Jan 5, 2016 |
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Jan 5, 2016 01:10
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i'll strive to be an okay writer this time, IN e: Fort gets sieged by invisible friendly elf/human babies klapman fucked around with this message at 00:23 on Jan 6, 2016 |
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Jan 5, 2016 01:13
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Also, the floor on this new thread is too clean and dry. Needs blood. So if you two won't (and, for that matter, even if you do), I'ma brawl Specters. He knows why.
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Jan 5, 2016 01:13
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WeLandedOnTheMoon! posted:Pick a glitch for me, old man. "error when a cult leader drinks laudanum and decides to leave their cult" curlingiron posted:In with a "if a player drank Whisky in their apartment until they passed out, this could cause a clone to appear who would then attack them." Thranguy posted:In, and I'll take an assigned glitch as well. "Doctor repeatedly tries and fails to suture wounds that have already healed"
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Jan 5, 2016 01:39
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in, glitch me please, GP
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Jan 5, 2016 01:56
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Sitting Here posted:in, glitch me please, GP "signs and books will destroy the world after a while. Don't use or have them."
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Jan 5, 2016 02:07
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i'm in with 'Fixed burning players being unable to see themselves on fire'. thanks for the crit.
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Jan 5, 2016 02:14
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Thunderdome week CLXXVIII Critiques – I LIED Real talk, I expected more. Because the prompt was easy. Someone makes a promise. It’s simple, and there’s so much poo poo you can do with that, so many themes to work with. Duty. Trust. Betrayal. Guilt. Tons of inherent material for conflict, but of course nobody could just write a nice story about a single promise, no, you had to write about someone else’s promise, or maybe there was a promise there but you didn’t tell me what it was, or it was there but it didn’t really matter next to all the other crap, or maybe you just wrote a thousand words of “tee hee hee aren’t I cute???” (no) My co-judge for this week was Broenheim, and there wasn’t really much discussion. The week was bad, but not terrible. The worst entries were dull and stupid and the best entries were slightly above mediocre. At least this was a light week so I’ll give a line crit to anyone who wants me to point out their terribleness in even more intricate detail. klapman – The Night Winds Bro and I discussed this story in the same way that I imagine a pair of deaf Fonzies haggle with each other, by twitching their shoulders and going, “ehhh?” a couple times. I actually put some effort into reading this and I’m fairly sure I get what’s going on some level, like I know there are either pirates or smugglers, and they use some illegal route or something, and for some reason they wave their flags at each other. But none of that is actually said. Instead you say, “they were people of the illegal sort, wandering the sea but not on their feet!! And they made a contract, the kind without pen and paper, that they should lower and then raise their flags in a most greeting manner whenever they passed in the passage that was not to be seen by the government’s eye.” It’s like this whole story exists so you can flex your prose muscles, and admittedly, there’s some nice bits and pieces here, but I have to wade through a fuckton of junk to get to them and even then that’s not what I came for. I came for a story about a promise. Tell me what the promise is. Tell me what the story is. So through this fever dream of a prose experiment a bunch of stuff happens and somehow situations take a turn for the worse, not that I know why or how, but they do, and then I think the two pirate captains attack each other, but then they stand on deck and talk to each other and it’s such a bizarre scene, it’s like those parts in Assassin’s Creed where you slaughter everyone and then you have this paranormal chat with the big bad before you lay him down and say “Requiescat in pace”, which is the same thing I wanted to do to this story, just finally let it rest in piece, but it didn't, it went on and on and on Now I don’t want to be unfair here. You had a story in mind, I can see that. And I think it would have been pretty loving baller. That’s what’s so frustrating about this piece. You have a proper voice and nice images and you have a good idea for a plot but you are so obtuse and unclear because you try to be fancy and then you end up burying the meat of your story in garnish. It’s such a waste. I mean I’m sure I could decipher this entire thing if I really had a mind to comb through it, but nobody wants to comb through other people’s stories, and certainly not when they still have a whole bunch of them to read. There’s not much to say other than this was a mess. A line crit might do you better. I’m offering some this week, so speak up if you want one. unwantedplatypus – Lasting Peace This was pretty decent, except you lost track of your story halfway through. The beginning was strong, you’ve got this cool internal conflict of a woman who deals with losing her husband to war, and there’s all these cool themes of her coming to grip with reality and what kind of naive person she used to be. But then nothing else happens. Instead you go off on a long rant about war and the people that suffer from it, and then she goes back to how much she misses Pierre, and yadda yadda more backstory, and I’m like, bro, I got it, war is bad, okay. And then you’re finally done with that tangent and you loop back into your protag’s depression, and then it just… solves itself. She sits down and starts writing, and then she realizes that the words she wrote actually make sense, so she writes more and just like that her feeling of guilt evaporates just like any hope I had that we might still get to see how she genuinely deals with her internal struggle instead of having it fizzle out into a thin cloud of self-granted redemption. You could have started earlier in the character’s transition, and shown us her transformation from a patriot to a disgruntled realist. You could have shown me how she gets over Pierre by using actual concrete events that illustrate a major internal change. Instead you wrote a character who aggressively explains her motivations at me, and then she has an epiphany because. There’s some decent writing in this and the setup is okay but everything after that is a letdown and that’s sadly all I can really say in this crit because this is the number one issue that absolutely weighs everything else down. Your prose is fine. Your characters are fine. I even like this whole idea of finding a path to catharsis, of finding a way to let yourself let go. But the plot, the device that drives the action and keeps the momentum moving forward, is entirely absent, and that's kind of a big deal. Wangless Wonder – The Ballad of Einar Holy gently caress it’s like two different people wrote this simultaneously, and then through a series of small aggressions where they reached into each other’s territory to make minor adjustments they escalated into in some kind of total editing war right until the last second so then this jumbled mess got posted. There’s a neat concept for a comedy story here, and I like that your promise actually drives the conflict, but the prose and the voice and the feel of the story are all over the place. Like, comedy pieces can still be serious. They can also be light-hearted and silly. This clearly starts out as whimsical slapstick, but then you tack some message on to the end, some somber note of Einar’s deeply-hidden inferiority complex and it just comes out of nowhere. It’s just so sad and serious compared to the juvenile tone from before that it feels like it doesn’t belong. In the same vein the humor is sometimes cool (Too fat for the window. Too fat for the wardrobe. Too many whores under the bed.) and sometimes the prose just falls apart like a set of mikado sticks, dragging the joke that was built up on it along with it (Einar said, recalling his Hallucinogen Testing and Human Flight Engineering special force. <-- wat?). Some jokes are also just not funny because of the delivery: Einar picked up Brynjar, Ax That Split Mountains and Slayed Dragons, mighty relic of his forefathers, and removed half a lemon from its rusting edge before hefting it above his head and and aiming it towards the doorway, arm shaking under the weight. You want to contrast the overblown introduction of the ancient war axe with a crisp comment about its improper use: Einar picked up Brynjar, Ax That Split Mountains and Slayed Dragons, mighty relic of his forefathers, and removed the lemon from its edge. But even then, I wonder, why a lemon? There’s probably something funnier that can be on the axe but I don’t want to put more effort into this joke than you did. I like that you have a conflict here. The coward warlord dodging his draft is one of the stories I half expected, and I’m glad I got it and I even think this had some fun ideas. But it needs more work. Even juvenile comedy needs effort. As it is, it just reads rushed, like you came up with all this as you were writing it and then you didn’t bother to go back and do another editing pass, so now all the blemishes are still there and nothing that you’ve tacked on at the end has any mention in the beginning and you didn’t bother fixing the bad jokes either (there’s still a lot of those  ).Also please don’t name your main characters Einar and Erik. Rule of thumb, every major character’s name should start with a different letter, and they should generally be distinguishable on a quick read-through. All in all this was mildly amusing but that’s it. Ironic Twist – Fallaway So the number one question I had right from the beginning was, why are they here, like, I get that Mia is looking for her sister, but why at this specific well, what nightmares did she have, why did she think that she’d find her sister at the bottom of a goddamn well two states over? You tease me with some arcane reason for their being here, but it’s never mentioned again and then it doesn’t make much sense without the explanation, so it might have been better to just slap your balls on the table and say, well, here’s the well and they’re loving going down there and that’s that. Or you could have just explained it a bit more. That would have been even better because it would have been a good opportunity to foreshadow the monster. There used to be a time where you wrote a lot of stories like this, where some vaguely paranormal thing just happened, and admittedly, those were much darker days full of shady characters with dubious intentions. I mean obviously this had enough redeeming bits to still get HM’d, but most of that comes down to your strong prose and your likeable characters, and the fact that all the attention to detail that you put into the sibling relationship gets me interested enough to want to see the end. But I still feel cock-blocked because once you get me proper invested a monster appears out of nowhere and snatches the story away from right under my nose and drags it back into the forest screaming and thrashing and all I can do is watch and cry and mourn all the fun times we could have had together, if only things had turned out different. It’s creepy enough for a monster but it’s a complete shift in the story that leaves the actual plot hanging, so then I get this feeling that really all this time you just wanted to write about a magical well that perpetually lures people in and then eats them and the rest is just pretext. And it’s a cool idea, don’t get me wrong. It just comes out of nowhere, and then I’m left wondering why you spend all this time giving us the background info on Mia and her sister. The two facets of the story don’t mesh very well, and I don’t feel like you put a lot of effort into blending them together. Also you screw up your tenses in the flashback sections  Thranguy – Seventeen And a Half Broken Promises Somehow I always end up judging weeks where you’re trying weird gimmicks. That said, I thought this one was… kinda cool? Wait! Wait wait wait. Addendum: it was kinda cool, in theory. It had a lot of potential for enabling a character study that still had a sense of momentum and plot progression as we spiral deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole that is the protagonist’s ever shifting goalpost of what constitutes a justified broken promise. But then for some reason you decide to slap a magical mob story on top of it and - presto - the whole thing collapses under the weight of your combined ideas. Sometimes you fuse two neat elements and they make something that is more than the sum of their parts. Sometimes they actively detract from each other, because they don’t fit, like gluing a pair of springy eyes on top of a spooky scarecrow. I really like the idea of telling a personal story arc by going through all of a character’s broken promises, and the ending is sweet and gives me some closure, but the magic thing just doesn’t fit. It’s a nice idea for a setting, but you have a very specific and concise format, where each major point in the timeline gets exactly one paragraph. That’s not a lot of breathing room, so when you force your urban fantasy setting in there along with your character portrait they both just suffocate, a sad and lonely death. So then we end up with a nice portrait that doesn’t get the space it needs to touch my delicate heartstrings, and an urban fantasy setting that’s too generic to justify the space it takes up. It reads like something stuck between a wistful nostalgia piece about a notorious liar's regrets and Bizarro Harry Dresden fanfic. Grizzled Patriarch – Scar Tissue This was the best story. It was good. That said, in a better week, it might not have won, because there are still a bunch of things dragging it down. Granted, you avoided a lot of problems I used to have with your writing. Because I understand what’s going on. Because it has an ending. Because the protagonists are relatable and understandable. It’s a story I can follow, and it’s interesting enough for me to do so. Your biggest problem, though, is your lack of focus. It’s a good portrait, the way you describe the family is fine, the way they act and speak, it all checks out. But I’m still kinda scratching my head as I go through this, wondering what the story is about. Because at first it’s about welcoming the black sheep back home into your family, but I’m not yet sure what the conflict is. Then it turns out they’re unable to handle him, and he immediately relapses (which is a bit on the nose). Then it’s about child abuse? Life sometimes moves in the same kind of frantic paces, but we’re not writing real life, we’re writing stories, and flash fiction, in my opinion, should be neater than this. There needs to be focus. I need to know what to get invested in, what to hope for or what to expect. Because when you start the story with Kit’s alcohol problems and all the effort his mom is going through to keep him sober, I hope that he gets clean, and then the issue is dropped halfway through. Ironically, the fact that this is such a real piece is also what’s keeping me interested. But then it’s a family drama that just kinda happens. The beginning to a bigger piece, or maybe the best E/N post you’ll ever read. I mean don’t get me wrong, it is real strong. It’s got all these super sad notes, where the mothers tries her best to help her son and just wants to have a nice, peaceful family, and where the protag doesn’t really know how to deal with the situation because he’s such a goof and all that. It’s bitter, and it’s effective at that, but I didn't get a lot of closure from this story because there is not much of one single focused arc to follow. The ending is there, but it’s as open as they come: the protagonist realizes the problematic relationship between Kit and Jackie and takes her away. It won’t solve anything, but it closes the scene for the moment, and what comes next is part of a different story. You still had like 500 words so I’m not sure if I wouldn’t have liked for you to deal more with the aftermath, but it was serviceable, and it still worked as some kind story about a hosed up family reunion. So this is a bit muddy, and it piggybacked off a mediocre week, but don’t let that detract from your victory. It’s still a strong portrait with some really effective moments. Good prose prevails once more, I GUESS Killer-of-Lawyers – One Last Play This is pretty much the ur-story, and what I mean by that is, well did you notice how ever once in a while a newbie marches into this thread and fails so spectacularly at trying to be fancy that we’re forced to knock the crayons out of their wobbly baby hands and tell them to learn how to write a straight loving story first? This is that straight story. So if you had troubles with that in the past, congratulations. As far as the technical workings go, this is complete. It has a beginning, middle and end, the characters have motivations, the action is rising and all scenes and plot points logically feed into each other. It’s a solid foundation, the first stepping stone on the stairway to writer olymp. The reason this still didn’t come close to an HM is that a stepping stone as such is relative dull and forgettable. Because this starts out as a story about a guy secretly playing football and I’m wondering, how are you going to make that interesting? The answer is, you don’t, it just stays that same story and then it ends. Like, it’s solid, but it’s also so goddamn non-consequential. So now that you’ve got the foundation in place, think about what makes a story interesting. Think of a cool twist, or up the stakes, or give me some heart. Give me a reason to get invested. I want to be at the edge of my seat. I mean I guess I like your wife character for not flipping her poo poo when she finds out what her husband did, it’s kinda cute, but it doesn’t make for a terribly intense reading experience. There’s so many things you could have done: give him a real injury; use his lie as the first misstep in a crumbling, distrustful relationship; show how she tries to organize a football match as a birthday surprise for him and then she finds out he’s secretely been playing all this time and it’s super heartbreaking; ect. As it is it’s the kind of placid comedy strip you usually see in a newspaper comic. Might be worth a chuckle but eventually it goes in the trash, and that’s where it belongs and you know it. Sitting Here – High Maintenance I read this story and it seemed like something a person working in a hotel would write when they spent too much time playing videogames instead of working on their TD entry, so I genuinely crossed my fingers before turning off judgemode hoping I didn’t have to hit you with a DM, but this is the real life where wishes don’t come true for us normal folk. But then you say this wasn’t a rushed entry, and I believe you, so now I kinda want to see the outline you did for this, since I think you’re usually more the discovery writer, so maybe your outline was not serviceable, or you’ve asked the wrong questions, or overlooked some structural flaws. Right, why did I hate this story so much that I almost considered it for the loss? Many reasons. Let’s take it from the top: the beginning is a mess. You reference two different rooms, one by number, and one by naming it “The Suite”, even though the suite also has a number as we later find out. I don’t go through these stories with a magnifying lens, and I don’t stay in hotels often enough to know if there’s always just “The Suite” and it’s like one of those hotel tropes where it’s always one special room or sth, so then I lose track of which room is which, especially when you also mention a fake emergency maintenance situation in the room, and then tell me that the suite actually did have a maintenance situation, but wait, the suite is not the room, you’re just bringing that up for yet totally unrelated reasons. We have two characters who are in some kind of conflict but it’s a really boring one because you basically describe a help desk scenario. There’s no personal investment here, and the conflict is resolved by giving Mr Schipper another room and that’s it. Then we get to the staffer that hosed up the order, and I think, okay, maybe now we’re getting somewhere, because Linnea is genuinely pissed at this guy. But nope. I don’t even know why that part exists. It has nothing to do with the story, and this is flash fic, so it really shouldn’t be there. Then we segue into an off-hand comment where you’re like, the room we just gave to Mr Schipper might not be ok. RUH-ROH!! And then she’s like, I’m sure it’ll be fine, which is not just super professional, it’s also an obvious way of telling me that five lines from now it very much will not be fine, so why not just go there right away? The dialogue is pretty bad. This is something Bro might cover because he explicitly mentioned it when we talked about this story, but I noticed it too. From the point where Mr Schipper complains about Linnea’s style of management deteriorating the place as if he was a permanent resident there, to the part where he has a deeply emotional breakdown over his dead wife and Linnea grins at him as if they were two teenagers about to sneak into the local theater’s late night screening. Basically half my notes go “What’s the story?” and the other half go “Wait what???” I appreciate that you tried to tell the heart-wrenching tale of an old man trying to take his dead wife on one last trip, but you either need to start with that or you need to keep me interested until you get to the reveal. At the very least the conflict between Linnea and Mr Schipper should not have been suspended in the middle. That said the finale is touching, yeah, and the image of this guy sitting there and going “this is actually appropriate because this is what I feel like” is probably something I’ll remember for a while, just everything leading up to it is such chaff. Come to think of it I would have probably liked this story more if you would have tossed the entire first part. It might not even have DM’d. It would have still been goofy, but this was a goof week so kurona_bright – Moving On and Up This is the kind of thing that happens when you can’t effectively gauge word count limits. Because you came up with so much stuff for this, this huge fantasy setting, and the city and its history and the war and the city’s belief system and the protagonist, who is a god in that belief system, and his family and their history where there was some kind of taint that dragged some gods to the bad side, and in the end you’ve got so much stuff in this story that you can’t do much more than mention it all in some arbitrary order and hope I’ll be fine with it. I’m not fine with it. I wanted a story, not a worldbuilding entry. So what was your story here? People are at the base of a tower. One of them (somehow) discovers that the other is a god who actually owns the tower, except he doesn’t really because it’s actually his god-sister’s, who’s dead, but now the first person is pissed at the god-person because she has to deactivate all the traps, because they have to get up that tower because there’s a power source for a force shield that whoa, whoa whoa my head is spinning i need to sit down. Do you see what tripped you over? Too much. Way too much. For each major plot point you add you lose some options and then you have a ton of information and all of it is equally relevant so you will inevitably end up writing a story that is about finding out what the story is. Because there’s just no other way to physically fit all the words in there before it’s over. I find it hard to say much else about the story because the massive world-building elements press all the imagery and voice and characterization out of it to a point where I can’t do much else than point at it and say, yup, that’s a skeleton alright. I guess the thing where Oari comes to grips with his sister’s passing and the fact that he can’t forever compare himself to her is kind of a neat idea, and that’s what you should have focused on, and then you wouldn’t even have needed half the crap you had in the story. His sister? Gone. Why? Doesn’t matter, gods disappear. The tower? gently caress the tower. He unlocks his godly powers to activate the city’s force shield. The human charade? Drop it. Done. A story about a smaller god trying to work his way around the destined pecking order and step up for his people. How exactly? That’s your story to tell. All I’m saying is, drop the ballast. Also you called the sister Frente and the city Riente, which is seriously confusing and makes an already messy story even harder to understand.
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Jan 5, 2016 02:35
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also i'm brawling sh she knows what she did
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Jan 5, 2016 02:52
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In with "It is no longer possible to ride a mount inside Bartleby and Daughters bank"
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Jan 5, 2016 03:02
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In, spin the glitch wheel for me.
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Jan 5, 2016 04:01
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In.
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Jan 5, 2016 04:54
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HellishWhiskers posted:In, spin the glitch wheel for me. "Listening to a sermon caused colonists’ bodies to explode"
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Jan 5, 2016 05:24
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My head hurts, i'm sick as gently caress, my throat is dry no matter how much water I drink. My life is misery and my writing is worse. I figure that's enough of a handicap, so in addition to the prompt, I'll take any one of you motherfuckers on. If you want an easy kill, and you're stupid enough to see one in me, let's rock.
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Jan 5, 2016 05:28
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In. "The entrance elevator door has had a stern talking to, and should no longer lock people inside."
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Jan 5, 2016 05:44
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This is is my "gently caress I have crits to do" post. gently caress, I have crits to do. Even if the people who could get them might have been eaten by sperm whales.
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Jan 5, 2016 05:56
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Broenheim posted:it's a new thread so i think this needs to be said Entenzahn posted:also i'm brawling sh klapman posted:My head hurts, i'm sick as gently caress, my throat is dry no matter how much water I drink. My life is misery and my writing is worse. I figure that's enough of a handicap, so in addition to the prompt, I'll take any one of you motherfuckers on. If you want an easy kill, and you're stupid enough to see one in me, let's rock. quote:schneiderheim> also sh if you decide to brawl you can fite me Okay. You know what. I've clearly got a lot of septic fiction to work out of my system, but it would still smell like roses next to anything this gaggle of baby-fisted jokers could possibly inflict on the world. Who is bold enough to judge the first melee of 2016?
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Jan 5, 2016 05:58
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I'd just like to point out that although it's not in the OP on account of SH is a dumb baby, (and I guess it's not technically a rule for some reason) putting 'bold' tags on the titles of your stories is a cool and good thing to do and will probably make the judge hate you a little bit less than the people who omit them.
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Jan 5, 2016 06:07
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Thranguy posted:Also, the floor on this new thread is too clean and dry. Needs blood. So if you two won't (and, for that matter, even if you do), I'ma brawl Specters. He knows why. the only blood on the floor will be yours im a ghost and dont even have blood but that wont be the reason
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Jan 5, 2016 06:16
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