Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us $3,400 per month for bandwidth bills alone, and since we don't believe in shoving popup ads to our registered users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
«141 »
  • Locked thread
Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

Thunderdome Week CCXII: Punked Out

This week's prompt is -punk genres. Cyberpunk, Steampunk, Dieselpunk, and so on. And not limited to ones that actually exist with enough examples to go on wikipedia, either. We may see Dreampunk, Teslapunk, Wizardpunk, or (welp) Memepunk. Or who knows what.

Declare your genre when you post in. Here's the thing, though. Only one person gets to write in each genre, and they're first come, first serve. You can also ask me to give you a genre. I won't give out any genres until Wednesday afternoon, so as not to step on any genres people want to claim.

Do I have to explain what -punk means? Golly, I hope not. Think alternate history, alternate technology, the future of technology, and/or how technology affects freedom and equality. Or just put in some strange impractical computers, zeppelins, and/or absurdly shiny fashion accessories. Good stories are more important here than genre fidelity.

No Erotica, fanfic, googledocs, poetry, etc. Political Satire, if you attempt it, should be at least a little deeper than 'lol trump' or 'lol election 2016'.

1855 words, for the year The Difference Engine was set in, opening the door with steampunk.

Signups Close 11:59 Friday Pacific Time

Entries Close 11:59 Sunday Pacific Time

Judges
Thranguy
amine was right
a friendly penguin

Punks who may or may not feel lucky
1. Sitting Here: Elfpunk
2. Pale Spectres Mythpunk
3. flerp: Decopunk (toxxed)
4. Chili: Dreampunk
5. Surreptitious Muffin: Cantopunk
6. The Cut of Your Jib: Clockpunk
7. Ironic Twist: Chesspunk
8. Boaz-Joachim: Biopunk
9. Bad Seafood: Dieselpunk
10. Quidnose: Psipunk. Flash rule: set in the '70s.
11. The Saddest Rhino: Magmapunk
12. Sailor Viy: Ectopunk
13. Morning Bell: Skypunk
14. Schneider Heim: Mechapunk
15. Pippin: Salvagepunk
16. Tunapirate: Atompunk (toxxed)
17. Hostile V: Parasite-punk
18. Some Strange Flea: Quantum-punk
19. CANNIBAL GIRLS: Sexpunk/Erotipunk
20. Daeres: Solarpunk
21. starr Pharmapunk (toxxed)
22. karia Gardenpunk
23. llamaguccii Crustpunk
24. Entenzahn Dicepunk
25. CaligulaKangaroo Memepunk
26. QuidProQuo Nowpunk
27. AfterTheWar Tallowpunk

Thranguy fucked around with this message at Sep 3, 2016 around 07:59

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


oh i am judging the gently caress out of this week

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

IN WITH ELFPUNK

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011



Mythpunk

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


decopunk

e: oh yeah forgot the

flerp fucked around with this message at Aug 29, 2016 around 05:57

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



These are crits for week 212

Brothers Natalya:
The writing here was decent and you did a good job of making Vines actually seem like something that could be important to someone instead of being sub-Twitter garbage. The downside is that this is a story I feel like I've read a million times, and I can't point to a single time I've actually read a story like this. You were telling me what I expected to hear in the way I expected to hear it, with Vines. Not bad for a first attempt, but try to step beyond those basic story blocks. Tell me that something happens that I don't expect, or say something expected in an unexpected way.

Friendly Match:
Chili wanted to DM it, Ty didn't because it made him laugh. It made me laugh too, but I was the tiebreaker and the reason I gave this the pass, since it has nearly no story to it, is because it gets in, makes its jokes, and gets back out. You earn a hell of a lot of good will when you don't waste my time.

No-Doze:
Your prose is good and I like this world that might or might not have cryptids and that has weird meth that boils you down to your essence or whatever. Problem is, nothing much happens, especially to your protagonist, who is the least interesting of the two main characters. On the whole, I enjoyed my time reading this, but when it was over, I was left wanting an actual story. Good that you can leave me wanting. Bad that you didn't actually have a story there to keep me from feeling that way.

Because gently caress You, That's Why:
This is really dream-like. Why are the Taoist monks somewhere that has a sultan? People seem to appear and disappear and move between places at will. You got immunity from DMs this week because this was basically a stunt, and you succeeded in writing a story that fit your prompt AND your two flash rules, and because Chili liked it. Good luck, too, or this would have been a candidate for loser, because it's just so floaty and indistinct.

Man-Made Elements:
I liked the hyper-specific geography, and particularly the way that if you know about Chernobyl, you can start to piece things together from that. I passed by the line about providing power, then came back and re-read it and it clicked for me. I've complained before about concealing information from the reader, but that's not what's going on here. You're giving the reader a ton of information so they can figure it out, and then as you go along, there's more and more clues to clue people into what's going on. On top of that, there's a good human aspect to the way these two characters formed a bond so quickly and the tension between the professional need to do the job and the human need for friendship.

Purely Coincidental:
This was energetic and interesting but I don't understand what was going on. I get the gist of it, but there's all these different agents in the story, each pursuing their own goals and it becomes super muddled when one of them is crazy and you're shifting perspective all over the place. The pace of it is such that I read it straight through, but then I got stuck on various bits that weren't explained quite enough--it took me two reads to figure out that the guy had half-sliced his nose off. I still don't know what doing an ISIS is.

Gam Zu l'Tovah:
This wouldn't have lost in week that wasn't as strong as this one. It's fine for the most part, and I was even comparing bits of this favorably to the winning story from Week 209, which also featured a religious figure giving a speech, but with a much more generic and implausible response. This line, though, cinched it in my mind. "Ibrahim arrived back at his home. He found that his family had not suffered due the swift increase in antisemitism. Relieved, he sat down at the kitchen table." You weren't up against the word limit. You had at least a hundred words to spend on showing me this, but this is the most passive, most telling, least evocative line I read this week.

Also this doesn't bother me like it does other judges, but please put a space after each paragraph.

Perennial:
This story is interesting but it's from the wrong perspective. The wife is the interesting one, she's the one experiencing the struggle of her motivation and poise versus the effects of the cancer and the curiosity, and then pity, of the people around her. The husband doesn't do much aside from trying to get his wife to be more normal, and that's way less interesting than someone who's willing to die to ensure that their garden will be super pretty.

Greedily and Too Deep:
I could see you grinning the whole time you wrote this, from the way you toyed with the prompt to the names to the wild sex stuff. It's a drat cheeky story, but it works in a way that takes a lot of talent. And you even deliberately play with the idea of a conclusion in the end--it's satisfying enough that I wasn't mad that you kept the item concealed. After where that four-knuckled miner put it, maybe it's best that you don't show it off.

Life of the Party in Dead Berlin:
The world here was pretty interesting, but the story itself wasn't. It's just a very goony guy who vapes at a girl and murders a bunch of people to try to gently caress her. That's not a guy I really care about, and none of the other characters are given enough dimension to be compelling either. I liked the shifting between glimpses of this show and what's going on backstage as they produce it, though.

The god squad:
This is energetic and fun. Don't think I didn't see what you did there, using in medias res like that. Like I said in judgechat, this managed to have a voice that was just insufferable enough to be funny, instead of going all the way and just being insufferable. The way you lend your own voice and energy to it meshes well, and it's a bit of fun, cheesy action. This was a win contender, but Thranguy's was more finely crafted as opposed to this (admittedly kickin' rad) pencil sketch in the corner of a Sundance poster.

Psalm 121:
This had a good voice and I really liked the flow-of-consciousness points. It was just a bit on the obtuse side, so I'm not sure if I came away with the meaning I was meant to--I get the why of the flashback, but not really what the ending is supposed to mean. This was energetic enough to carry me through the parts I wasn't entirely following, though.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

Dreampunk is mine.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


In with Cantopunk.

The Cut of Your Jib
Apr 23, 2007

THUNDERDOME LOSER

IN with CLOCKPUNK

fjgj. Thanks all for the crits, too. Good points.

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER



In with Chesspunk.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

My crits will be up tomorrow.

Boaz-Jachim
Sep 20, 2015

CANERE CORAM LEONE


In with BIOPUNK

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


In with dieselpunk and I must submit my crits from the last time I judged before I submit anything.

Also, since it's been a bit of a problem for me lately, in the event I submit nothing this round I will crit all my competitors.

Quidthulhu
Dec 17, 2003

Stand down, men! It's only smooching!


In, and requesting a -punk and a flash rule

Armack
Jan 27, 2006

Corde pulsum tangite


Brawl with curlingiron

Thank You For Your Service
(880 words)

I only realize my leg is broken when I try to straighten it. It offers me pain in lieu of movement. My head buzzing, I peer into the frigid darkness that surrounds me. Its texture asserts itself on my face and through the thickness of my gloves. Velvety, crumbly, my frosty cocoon insulates against the urgency outside. A man-made avalanche, a ski resort presumably looted by now, Tom Stenn, Dana. Dana!

Lost beneath the snow, there’s no telling what direction I’m facing. No idea how to get to my wife. I can think of just one way to learn my orientation. Spprt. My phlegm hits me back in the chin. I’m facing up.

The air is breathable, but thin. Can’t risk digging upward for more. If I break the surface, Stenn and his sure-to-be-armed accomplices might see. Not sure where I am relative to the mountain, let alone Dana. But I flip myself on my belly, grit through excruciating leg pain, and tunnel forward in the mad hope of getting closer.

That’s when I hear the scream. Dana’s on the surface, somewhere to my right. Can’t be sure how far. I pull the dog tags off my neck. “Who wears their dog tags skiing?” Dana had teased me. But now they aren’t dog tags, they’re little spades, helping me to dig toward her.

There’s a lump in my neck half-strangling me when I consider what Stenn is capable of. I remember his sadism in the military prison in Afghanistan. This vacation was supposed to be a chance to shake off memories of the war, not stare them in the face. To this day I can’t stand it when people tell me, “Thank you for your service.” Meaningless. My service entailed turning a blind eye to Stenn’s prison torture regime. Before the prison, he’d been involved in the rock slide at Tora Bora. The operation that neutralized the Taliban there and allowed us to raid their hideouts must have been the inspiration for what he’s doing now.

I lose my bearings. Getting harder to breathe. My busted leg is getting tougher to ignore as I crawl forward, dragging it behind. No use digging further if I’ve lost the direction. I plant my head in the snow and try to will myself to stay conscious.

Hadn’t seen Stenn since he went into contract work. But when I noticed him in the lodge yesterday, I felt like I’d been shot in the gut. Figured I’d keep an eye on that rotten son of a bitch in case he tried to loot the place, but never expected he’d trigger an avalanche to make it easier for him. Another scream. Good, she’s still alive. And close. I dig in the direction of the sound.

Pop. The sound is unmistakable. Oh God, he’s shooting the avalanche survivors! I dig upward, not knowing where I’ll emerge relative to Stenn. Light pours in as I break the surface. I pull myself higher, the cold almost as searing as the sensation in my leg. It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust. I take a deep breath.

The first thing I see is Stenn. He’s got his back to me. Looks like he’s holding something; it must be a gun. Five skiers on their knees comprise a horizontal line in front of him. A sixth is lying motionless on a bed of crimson snow. Dana’s next in line. I’ve got one shot at this.

Still on my belly, I prop myself up with one hand and hurl my dog tags at Stenn. They wrap around his arm and when he turns his started gaze toward me, Dana trips him and starts pummeling. Stenn drops the gun and I drag myself over to pick it up. I get one hand on the gun and the other on Stenn’s right arm. This frees Dana to put him into a hold. I drag myself beside his head and set the gun to it.

The other skiers are a chorus, dissonant between chords of terror and relief. They stand and scatter.

Vroom. The roar of a snowmobile cuts through the air, faintly at first, but soon much louder. Stenn bellows for help, then spews a colorful assortment of obscenities. I look up to see the vehicle, its driver, and its passenger in back armed with a rifle. There are full sacks of something—valuables?—tied to the back. It draws nearer.

“Help me, you cocksuckers!” says Stenn.

The snowmobile arrives. “Looks like you got yourself into a bind,” says the guy in back. The driver snickers. “Tough luck, boss. More for us.” He gestures his thumb to the bags.

Stenn’s face reddens; veins bulge from his neck. “I’ll expose both of you motherfuckers!”

The guy in the back of the snowmobile shrugs. “Gotta feeling we can lay low just fine.” The snowmobile veers off.

With the gun pointed at him, Stenn stays motionless. After a while, a couple avalanche survivors manage to bring law enforcement. They cuff him on the ground, but before they cart Stenn off I reach over to his arm and collect my dog tags. I’m still holding them while I kiss Dana. Looks like my military service meant something after all.

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


My meeting just ended so I guess I'll post the disqualified story later for redemption. in the meantime please assign me a punk story to write thanks

Sailor Viy
Aug 4, 2013

THUNDERDOME LOSER

In, please give me a -punk.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

The Brother's Natalya

This wasn't bad. The dad didn't scare me as much as I wanted him too, probably could've gotten a stronger characterization. I wasn't wholly satisfied with the ending. I'd like to know these kids ages. It matters, and I was trying to guess at it throughout the story. Overall though, this was sweet and I liked most of it. I am, however, particularly receptive to stories about brothers.

Clarity: Rock Solid. I understood everything that happened in the story.

Impact: Middlin' here. The relationship between the two brothers isn't necessarily original, but it is believable. What wasn't necessarily believable was the ending. It feels like something kids would do, only to turn back in an hour. Knowing the ages of the kids would have cleared that up. We even know how old their alter-ego is.

Story : This may be the weakest part. Everything you tell us, except for the ending, seems to be of regular occurrence. Up until Sergei sees the computer missing, this is all just day-in-the-life. Get to the meaningful bits faster and expand more on them.

Feel : You're not necessarily trying to make the most out of your words but they you don't get caught up with too much descriptive stuff or anything. Feel of the story was all right.

Polish : First sentence had a comma splice. I was worried that this was going to be a harbinger. That was kinda the case, proof better. I would've argued for this to HM if it were cleaner.

Errant Quibble - When he was a baby he used to imitate the voices of the presenters on TV.

Friendly Match

Didn't care for this. The opening jokes fell flat, and the reference made me groan more than anything. I get that you were cheeky with the prompt, that was cute. That's about all I took away from this though.

Clarity: Fine, understood everything OK.

Impact: None. Your guy sipped coffee to indicate a punchline, and I lost all interest in him as a human being. He then proceeds to have stuff happen around him and go and play word games in his mind to avoid conflict. I don't care about him.

Story: He gets asked to do something, he does it. There's kind of a little bit of a monkey wrench but if it hadn't happened, nothing would've changed. If anything, removing the van would have given your character something more challenging to do, contrive a victory out of nowhere, you have him an out, and that didn't help your story.

Feel: Lot of weak language/passive voice, even when in your narration and with your native English speaker.

Polish: Fine for the most part.

No Doze

Bad dialogue. Having a character start a sentence with "christ" doesn't feel real at all. There's also just things that people straight up don't say "Yes I said meth. With what did you think I was going to bribe a couple a’ foreign police officers with?” Look how awkward that is, and how easy it would be to fix. There also isn't a story here. That's a problem.

Clarity: I don't know where your characters are at all times. This was especially rough on your last hard cut. A bell rings and I didn't know they were inside of a place that would have one. If you're gonna hard cut like that, you gotta let us know where your characters are.

Impact: There wasn't anything strong about this. They're wandering around, then they get high and just talk.

Story: Again, not much here.

Feel: This kinda feels a little like an Ingmar Bergman thing, they're just kinda talking about poo poo.

Polish

I don't think "skritch" is a word. Also, since I just got the crit that I poorly punctuate my dialogue, I'm going to pass along that bit of criticism to you as I now notice that type of thing more often. Flerp recommended this after Kaishai recommended it to him, it's good http://litreactor.com/columns/talk-...e-in-your-prose


Because gently caress You, That's Why

You had a tough prompt, but so far this is my favorite story. It was totally ridiculous but I enjoyed reading it. Not every joke landed, but many did. Your lead was a touch uneven, but for the most part, this somehow worked.

Clarity: Yup, no issue here.

Impact: I don't think you were going for a heavy impact story, that's fine. Since it was mostly a comedy and it mostly got chuckles, that's a win here.

Story: I guess I get it. There's some philosophical thingamajig that states that a little bit of rebellion is necessary for tyranny to prevail. I think that's what going on here

Feel: Sometimes we're seemingly in her head, sometimes we're not, and that was a small quibble for me. Otherwise, it's fine. The opening felt like a Disney Musical, that's maybe a good thing, I don't know.

Polish: Couple of typos, nothing major.

Man-Made Elements

I really dig the premise of this story. Things kind of slowed down in the middle. I think you established a strong enough relationship before you realized that you had, so you kind of bloated the middle.

Clarity: Perfect

Impact: The last image you paint you earned. I liked their relationship and as a result, this stung.

Story: Your protag's goal isn't mentioned until it happens, but that feels intentional. What matters in this story is the relationship the goal is essentially a MacGuffin. So I guess we knew he goes undercover, builds trust with his roommate, and ultimately betrays that trust and is heartbroken over it, works well enough.

Feel: You go back and forth between what it's like to dissociate and what it's like to have a dishonest relationship, for the most part, it works.

Polish: A-OK

Purely Coincidental

Didn't work for me. I'll go into more detail in the breakdown.

Clarity: Nope, I got lost a couple of times and it was hard for me to finish this.

Impact: Nope, not sure who I was supposed to care about if anyone here, I think it was supposed to be funny which could excuse some of that, but it didn't get any laughs out of me.

Story: I think I kinda followed it enough to understand that they're killing Daniel Radcliffe, lord knows you used his full name enough for me to follow that much.

Feel: Not sure who is doing what, why they are doing it, I'm just lost.

Polish: I don't know. I'm not sure what was done for effect.

Gam Zu l'Tovah

This was a hot mess. The formatting was insane and made following this really difficult. There were also just a whole bunch of proofing mistakes and I'm not quite sure what was going on for most of this. I don't really want to dig much deeper. If you clean it up though, I'll offer you an extensive crit.

Perennial

This story just took forever. The repetition got tiresome. I wasn't a fan. Cute bit of creativity with the prompt. That's about it.

Clarity: Got a little glazed over at times on this one.

Impact: For a story about a tragic dying person, I would hope to be more engaged and care more. Didn't connect, though, she's plucky; we get it.

Story: Wasn't much of one, we find something out, and we see it get realized over and over again.

Feel: Wasn't exciting, or poignant. Didn't do much to grab me.

Polish: Nothing terribly concerning.

Greedily and Too Deep

This was solid. Started off, remained engaging throughout. Good stuff, not much else to say.

Clarity: Full marks, no problems.

Impact: Cared about your character. You probably know better than me how you achieved this. My takeaway is that your protag speaks with a shitton of conviction.

Story: Solid. Not much to say here.

Feel: Read quickly and cleanly. I like how the problems are defined and they are addressed solidly.

Polish: Ayup, good good.


Life of the Party in Dead Berlin

Getting tired ,but want to finish up here. This didn't connect much for me.

Clarity: Yeah, fine.

Impact: Couldn't give less of a poo poo about your dude here.

Story: Kinda neat, telling different things. That worked.

Feel: Not loving the descriptions, felt a little bland at times.

Polish: Nothing glaring.

The god squad: inside the secret society of Salt Lake City

I want to go on record saying that I put out that "this had a good voice" thing first. Kinda obvious I know, but all of the other judges are saying it.

Clarity: Yup, followed you straight up.

Impact: Dug your guy, thus dug the story.

Story: Worked out nicely.

Feel: Couldn't stop seeing this The Big Lebowski's Dude, that is a good thing.

Polish: Fresh N' Clean

Psalm 121


I kinda had to recuse myself from this story. I don't know how extensive your knowledge is in regards to jewish stuff, but mine is pretty deep and this story just made very little sense with regards to the jewish crap. Anyway, I kinda glazed over a couple of times in this one.

Clarity: Decent, the long paragraphs made this somewhat of a struggle.

Impact: Didn't care.

Story: I like the idea of it, but the execution didn't work for me due to the aforementioned inaccuracies (torah going in a lap)

Feel: Not good, for the same reason, again why I kinda wanted to recuse myself from this one.

Polish: Not so good again. A basic lovely Jewish nitpick but no observant jew would write out the transliterated word for god in Hebrew and use the G-d thing right after. Yay for pedantic Jewish nonsense! Blame my parents for shoving me into Jew school for 18 years.

And with that, I'm hoping to finalize one of the fastest rounds of crits ever. Weehoo!

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


The Saddest Rhino posted:

My meeting just ended so I guess I'll post the disqualified story later for redemption. in the meantime please assign me a punk story to write thanks

E:

http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?...llating+Pol+Pot

The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at Dec 19, 2016 around 04:56

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Yams Fan

In with Skypunk

Schneider Heim
Oct 17, 2012


In with Mechapunk.

Pippin
May 25, 2016


In, gimme i don't know, fuckin' Salvagepunk, let's write some words.

Hammer Bro.
Jul 7, 2007

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Whoa, thread moves way too fast now.

Here's all I got:

Sailor Viy

The opening image doesn't quite work for me. I imagine totems as large things that would be hard to carry with two hands. After reading the next sentence I think you meant that Dmitry looked like a totem, but the phone is the noun that immediately precedes the description so that's what I associate it with.

"trip over", without having something to trip over, is an awkward phrase. Just say "trip". Also, I'm not sure why a phone is so important yet, but I'm tentatively willing to accept that it is.

"long hours more" is also awkward. Is English not your native language? I'll stop pointing out these minor irregularities, but the phrasing is frequently just off enough to be distracting.

"Their father came home around eight, later than usual. He must have had a good run at poker." This is a nicely evocative section. It sets me up with all kinds of preconceptions about their father and his relationship with the protagonists and garners a bit of empathy for the boys. Even though the abusive parent trope is a bit trite, it's applied (perhaps only implied) with a soft touch here. We'll see where it goes.

The abstract paragraph describing the freshly-booted computer is all right. Perhaps because I already considered Vine and all those other social media trends surreal. It puts a concrete image in my head; who hasn't quietly snuck on the computer when the adults were asleep? (Younger people, I suppose.)

You're building tension, and that's good. I'm curious to see where it goes.

The second section (in the library) reads smoothly. I haven't read your prompt but it's an interesting situation you're describing, and the concept of cultural mimicry is something I can relate with. After a fashion, that's how we all learn to speak and interact, especially colloquially (or in whatever memes the whippersnappers repost these days). So it's novel to see that concept exaggurated to the extremes that it is here.

The prose in the third section gets awkward again. I'm starting to feel like the father is more of a caricature than a character -- I understand that he's a drunk and abusive, but what's his motivation for getting rid of the computer? That seems like an awful lot of effort as opposed to an impulsive backhand and you haven't given me any hint as to why the dad doesn't want them on the computer.

Uh. The ending doesn't work for me. Sergei's concern on Dmitry's behalf definitely resonates -- I think most of us have a large collection of irreplacable personal files on computers these days, and his concern on behalf of his brother is appropriate. But his solution? Dmitry would be crushed to know he didn't have access to his videos so let's make sure Dmitry doesn't have access to his videos. Doesn't make a lick of sense.

I can kind of see what you're implying with "Natalya will take care of us", but I'm not convinced that the strategy will work, or how. You've Told me to some degree that she's popular (kind of), but I can't conceive how a few hundred Twitter followers or whatever would pay for room and board. Partially because of that, and partially because of the abstract (but concretely visual) penultimate sentence, the last paragraph which is supposed to be inspiring instead feels forced.

Chairchucker

I'm neither amused nor off-put by your almost Yakov-Smirnoff-joke setup. (As an aside, turns out he rarely actually told such jokes.) Unfortunately that means I'm a handful of lines in, and I haven't caught a Hook.

All right, your catching me with the second introduction. I do like it when people personify stereotypes without realizing it.

The line after "I shrugged" does not make adequate sense without the assistance of your prompt, which I had to go back and read. In general I think pieces that establish their own context are stronger than ones that lean on the precise circumstances of their initial presentation.

I smirked at Vladimir's actual joke.

"Saturday came around, and so did I to the oval where the match was being played." This feels like Awkward trying to be Clever.

Football is a binary game -- either one team loses, or the other one does. There are clear rules for resolving ties. I don't see how the narrator could think by half time that it would be "tough to ask for either team to get a win". On a personal note, I'm not fond of "win" as a noun, but that's probably due to rampant corporate misuse.

"It was directly after time on for the second half" sounds weird. Maybe I don't watch enough football, but "time on" did register with me. "the start of" would've been just fine.

"There was an overpass that passed by the field." Oof. Clunky repetition.

Even if they're playing soccer, how can one team have multiple "goals"?

A bunch of poorly edited words and phrases in the second start of your story -- did you not proofread it? Are you trying to affect a narrator whose mother tongue isn't English? He seemed perfectly fluent in his early dialogue, so I don't think that's the case.

Revisiting the prompt, I do like the ironic use of "whistleblower". But the second half had so many poorly constructed phrases that I just couldn't stay with your story, as simple as it was.

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

Adventure Awaits!


Fun Shoe

IRON MONK BRAWL


http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/brawls.php?story=456

curlingiron fucked around with this message at Dec 6, 2016 around 18:32

Quidthulhu
Dec 17, 2003

Stand down, men! It's only smooching!


Chili posted:

Psalm 121


I kinda had to recuse myself from this story. I don't know how extensive your knowledge is in regards to jewish stuff, but mine is pretty deep and this story just made very little sense with regards to the jewish crap. Anyway, I kinda glazed over a couple of times in this one.

Clarity: Decent, the long paragraphs made this somewhat of a struggle.

Impact: Didn't care.

Story: I like the idea of it, but the execution didn't work for me due to the aforementioned inaccuracies (torah going in a lap)

Feel: Not good, for the same reason, again why I kinda wanted to recuse myself from this one.

Polish: Not so good again. A basic lovely Jewish nitpick but no observant jew would write out the transliterated word for god in Hebrew and use the G-d thing right after. Yay for pedantic Jewish nonsense! Blame my parents for shoving me into Jew school for 18 years.

And with that, I'm hoping to finalize one of the fastest rounds of crits ever. Weehoo!

I normally don't respond to crits and let them happen, but in light of your comments, Chili, I do want to apologize if I offended anyone who is far more of a practicing Jew than I am. I am ethnically Jewish but beyond occasional seders, Chanukah, and a knowledge of the prayers, I realized about halfway through the story as I was sifting through the 8000 tabs I had open that I had a good idea but I am no Michael Chabon. It never really gestated exactly how I wanted it to, there was a lot of rush stuff at the end (as called out for), and I think if I was looking to do something that got me more in touch with my Jewish roots I probably should have given it a little bit more than Friday to Sunday, but at the end of the day, I wanted to get something in for critique.

My intention was not to present that I was any sort of expert on Judaism, and I think a little too much of "I can do this" crept in when I couldn't. So if anyone read my story and went "wow, this dick," I truly apologize, because I can see how this can come off as some random internet white dude writing about Jews in WW2.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

Quidnose posted:

I normally don't respond to crits and let them happen, but in light of your comments, Chili, I do want to apologize if I offended anyone who is far more of a practicing Jew than I am. I am ethnically Jewish but beyond occasional seders, Chanukah, and a knowledge of the prayers, I realized about halfway through the story as I was sifting through the 8000 tabs I had open that I had a good idea but I am no Michael Chabon. It never really gestated exactly how I wanted it to, there was a lot of rush stuff at the end (as called out for), and I think if I was looking to do something that got me more in touch with my Jewish roots I probably should have given it a little bit more than Friday to Sunday, but at the end of the day, I wanted to get something in for critique.

My intention was not to present that I was any sort of expert on Judaism, and I think a little too much of "I can do this" crept in when I couldn't. So if anyone read my story and went "wow, this dick," I truly apologize, because I can see how this can come off as some random internet white dude writing about Jews in WW2.

I wasn't offended at all, it just niggled me when I was reading it. Truth be told, I'm a full blown atheist now and even back when I was super observant, I wouldn't have cared. As I was spotting inaccuracies, it just messed with the quality of the read to me. That's about it. No harm, no foul.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

Judgement for Jitzu/Curlingiron/

I was pretty sure Jitzu had this in the bag, and then Curlingiron showed up and killed me. Any week, I can't imagine myself not voting that story for a win. It's one of my favorites that I've read so far in thunderdome. Curlingiron wins.

Jitzu, your story was awesome. I loved how you set it up and threw me right into the action. The stakes were established quickly and I did care all the way through. Good poo poo. The ending was a touch confusing, couldn't quite tell who these other people were, had to read a little more carefully than I like to on a first pass.

Curlingiron, everything about this worked for me. It was a little bit complex of a premise but the way you handled it made the telling of the story natural and easy. I cared deeply about the humans and you barely did anything to earn it except rely on the compassion of the Rider. Cool trick, and though I saw the ending coming, it's what I was hoping for. Clever little story, I dug it dug it dug it.

tunapirate
Aug 15, 2015


In with atompunk and a

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER



Ironic Twist posted:

WEEK 211 CRITS

Thank you!

take the moon
Feb 12, 2011



PALE SPECTRES posted:

hi trusted goons, i rewrote that one story about hardboiled ants and if someone could take a look at it itd be cool. crits here or in the gdoc and if you do ill try to do a rly good crit of anything you want. ill also be yr best friend


thnx

quoting cuz im insecure. i wanted to sub this for my lw so help goons

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Thunderdome Recaps!

Two new episodes are available for your auricular amusement! In the first of these, we trace the story of Djeser's fall and triumph over the course of Week 204: Hate Week, Week 205: the book of forbidden names, and Week 206: WHIZZ! Bang! POW! Thunderdome! You want action? We've got action! You want non-euclidean meat sculpture? We've got non-euclidean meat sculpture! You want good stories? You've forgotten where you are. But a few enjoyable words sneak in when we do a dramatic reading of sebmojo's "Orbital Decay."

Jim’s rugged jaw was also clenched, as though he were chewing on words he found too bitter to savour.


Our overview of Week 207: Bottle Your Rage, Week 208: Upper-Class Tweet of the Year, and Week 209: WHAT DO YOU GET A DOME THAT HAS EVERYTHING?? includes a special guest, SurreptitiousMuffin. He, Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and I pick over the remains of three rounds containing so (relatively) little crap that we have time to consider the winners, too. At the end we take a breathless look at terre packet's "Parlour Delivery" and fail to come to a consensus on the value of irrelevant giant clones of the protagonist's ex-girlfriend.

The receptionist’s shrill scream came from the front of the office and somehow managed to get louder and higher in pitch.


Episodes past:

pre:
Episode								Recappers

Week 156:  LET'S GET hosed UP ON LOVE				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Djeser
Week 157:  BOW BEFORE THE BUZZSAW OF PROGRESS			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 158:  LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Djeser
Week 159:  SINNERS ORGY						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 160:  Spin the wheel!					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 161:  Negative Exponents					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 36:  Polishing Turds -- A retrospective special!		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and The Saddest Rhino
Week 162:  The best of the worst and the worst of the best	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and The Saddest Rhino
Week 163:  YOUR STUPID poo poo BELONGS IN A MUSEUM			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 164:  I Shouldn't Have Eaten That Souvlaki			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 165:  Back to School					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 166:  Comings and Goings					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 167:  Black Sunshine					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 168:  She Stole My Wallet and My Heart			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 169:  Thunderdome o' Bedlam				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 170:  Cities & Kaiju					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 171:  The Honorable THUNDERDOME CLXXI			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 172:  Thunderdome Startup					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 173:  Pilgrim's Progress					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 174:  Ladles and Jellyspoons				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 175:  Speels of Magic					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 176:  Florida Man and/or Woman				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 125:  Thunderdome is Coming to Town -- Our sparkly past! 	SH, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, Grizzled Patriarch, and Bad Seafood
Week 177:  Sparkly Mermen 2: Electric Merman Boogaloo		SH, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, Grizzled Patriarch, and Bad Seafood
Week 178:  I'm not mad, just disappointed			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 179:  Strange Logs						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 180:  Maybe I'm a Maze					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 181:  We like bloodsports and we don't care who knows!	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 182:  Domegrassi						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and Bad Seafood
Week 183:  Sorry Dad, I Was Late To The Riots			Sitting Here, Djeser, Kaishai, and crabrock
Week 184:  The 2015teen Great White Elephant Prompt Exchange	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 98:  Music of the Night -- Songs of another decade		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 185:  Music of the Night, Vol. II				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 186:  Giving away prizes for doing f'd-up things		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 187:  Lost In Translation					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 188:  Insomniac Olympics					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 189:  knight time						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 190:  Three-Course Tale					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 191:  We Talk Good						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 192:  Really Entertaining Minific				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 30:  We're 30 / Time to get dirty -- A magical time	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 193:  the worst week					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 40:  Poor Richard's Thundervision -- Let the ESC begin!	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 144:  Doming Lasha Tumbai -- Classic performances		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 194:  Only Mr. God Knows Why				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 195:  Inverse World					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 196:  Molten Copper vs. Thunderdome			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 197: Stories of Powerful Ambition & Poor Impulse Control	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 198:  Buddy Stuff						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 199:  EVERYBODY KNOWS poo poo'S hosed			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 1:  Man Agonizes over Potatoes				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Kaishai, and sebmojo
Week 200:  Taters Gonna tate Fuckers				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Kaishai, and sebmojo
Week 201:  Old Russian Joke					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 202:  THUNDER-O-S!						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 203:  MYSTERY SOLVING TEENS				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai


Special Features!

The Top Ten poo poo Scenes of Thunderdome				Sitting Here, Kaishai, Ironic Twist, and Djeser

Kaishai fucked around with this message at Sep 27, 2016 around 13:54

Hostile V
May 30, 2013

Solving all of life's problems through enhanced casting of Occam's Razor. Reward yourself with an imaginary chalice.


I've never done this before but I think I'm gonna go in for Parasite-Punk. The things in your body are not your friends.

Some Strange Flea
Apr 9, 2010

AAA


Pillbug

Quantum-punk, please.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Some unclaimed suggestions

Plinkpunk: a world centered around dropping stones into bodies of water
Drunkpunk: a world where alcohol gives you magic powers, and everybody is constantly drunk
Skunkpunk: in a world ruled by noxious smells, one man dares to wear deoderant
Monkpunk: enforced celibacy, constant attacks by cybervikings
Hunkpunk: can Fabio defeat the fascists?

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


crunkpunk is a complete ripoff of drunkpunk

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


in with sexpunk (aka erotipunk)

Hostile V
May 30, 2013

Solving all of life's problems through enhanced casting of Occam's Razor. Reward yourself with an imaginary chalice.


Dunkpunk: c'mon and slam, and stick it to the man.

Sailor Viy
Aug 4, 2013

THUNDERDOME LOSER

PALE SPECTRES posted:

quoting cuz im insecure. i wanted to sub this for my lw so help goons

I wrote some words for you, hopefully they help

Daeres
Sep 4, 2011


In, with Solarpunk.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Crobrarck judge our fuckin brawl

  • Locked thread
«141 »