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Free writing critiques? I'm in. When do y'all put up the next prompt?
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# ¿ Oct 11, 2016 08:59 |
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# ¿ Mar 19, 2024 11:44 |
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In, doing some Danville, CA Country Club Gothic.
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# ¿ Oct 13, 2016 07:49 |
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Member's Only Removed. You can still read these crappy words right here in the archives! BeefSupreme fucked around with this message at 09:22 on Jan 3, 2017 |
# ¿ Oct 17, 2016 07:04 |
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Well, it literally can't get worse as far as results go, so with that out of the way In as a customer.
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# ¿ Oct 18, 2016 08:06 |
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Sitting Here posted:The song. Your character heard it in their dreams, a haunting cascade of unearthly arpeggios. They long to recreate the preternatural beauty of that ephemeral melody. Voidmart has something for even the most discerning audiophile, and features the latest in blessed and cursed instruments. Chasing the Dragon 1299 words Removed. You can still read these crappy words right here in the archives! BeefSupreme fucked around with this message at 09:20 on Jan 3, 2017 |
# ¿ Oct 24, 2016 03:17 |
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I'm new here, but sure, here's a crit for you, thunderdome veteran Thranguy I can dig hard-boiled noir detective fiction, so I'm into this idea. Especially in a place like Voidmart--some pretty interesting things to investigate, including aliens. The problem for me was that it ended up being dry, both in the story details and in the action. The aliens are pretty boring (though I guess they're pulling off a pretty typical noir fiction plot), and the Greek crew doesn't really have as menacing a presence in the story as you say. The Godfather of the Night has bland dialogue for a crime lord. Ambrose Bloom seems like a bit of a sad sack. Don't really get the sense that he's a great investigator--in fact, I get the opposite sense. Don't know why his business was forced to cater to the local crime syndicate, but I'm guessing it has to do with incompetency. He fails to figure out the alien case, but Voidmart thinks he'll make a good in-house detective for some reason. I guess that's more Voidmart cost-cutting. You've got the skeleton of something I'd be down to read, but I don't think you went hard enough for the noir style. If the dialogue were more heavily inflected with noir style, it would be stronger. Your action is wacky, but hard to follow at times and slowed down by your description of it; I think the paragraphs in that sequence could do with some restructuring for dramatic effect. Thranguy posted:Loyalty
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# ¿ Oct 26, 2016 07:15 |
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I wrote more crits, because I read a lot of these damned stories. Dr. Kloctopussy Rules-exist-for-a-reason Abby Upson certainly breaks the rules a lot, and doesn't seem to struggle with it. I don't mind it, but I do think she could have wrestled with these decisions a bit more, if you're going to describe her that way. I do appreciate the childlike earnestness she displays in parts, but I don't know if that fits for an investigator. Or maybe it does and double down on it? I enjoy this bureaucratic hell version of Voidmart. The lack of concern for paperwork probably doesn't hold up in a longer story, but hey, this isn't a longer story So, she doesn't find any Unspeakable Horrors? It really was just beetles? I could have used a better punch line, in that case, or otherwise something more interesting with Unspeakable Horrors in play here The ending is cute, but doesn't really have anything to do with the initial tension or conflict. I could have used more of that stuff. Crab Destroyer This went right to the deepest end of Voidmart, that's for sure. quote:Mark considered this a last gift to his victims. quote:The gunshot could not be mistaken for any other sound, but the Human Meats department was empty. Human Meats was almost always empty, and due to a miscalculation by Voidmart Corporate Offices, it was much larger than it needed to be. Why does this guy kill the butchers? I think somebody else said this, and I agree. He obviously has no problem with cannibalism. How does killing the butcher justify it? Not clear. Chili I told you some stuff on IRC, but I'm just going to restate the very advice that you gave me on my first story, and then didn't remember in your own story. In short, get to the action. All this other stuff can be simplified, and you can trust your readers to figure some stuff out. vintagepurple Down the rabbit hole she goes, but, unfortunately, Kevin is no Mad Hatter. I also can't figure out why a robust vegetable is so important to her that she'd go to these lengths. If you're going wacky adventure quest in a 1300 word story, you've got to really commit to it. Too much time is spent on exposition and uninteresting action at the start of this thing. She could probably start in Voidmart, experiencing wacky crap, and the story would be punchier. Kevin gets devoured right in front of her, spraying blood all over her, and her reaction is... "Thank God, some real help"? Seems like a pretty violent death to witness while simply looking for vegetables, but yeah, I guess it would be a relief not to have to talk to Kevin anymore
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# ¿ Oct 26, 2016 08:08 |
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in
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# ¿ Oct 26, 2016 23:02 |
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Trickle-Down Economics Removed. You can still read these crappy words right here in the archives! BeefSupreme fucked around with this message at 09:24 on Jan 3, 2017 |
# ¿ Oct 31, 2016 06:38 |
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Losing is better than failing. I think.
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# ¿ Oct 31, 2016 11:19 |
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In.
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# ¿ Oct 31, 2016 21:43 |
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Finn's -- 748 words Removed. You can still read these crappy words right here in the archives! BeefSupreme fucked around with this message at 09:18 on Jan 3, 2017 |
# ¿ Nov 7, 2016 08:24 |
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In, and sure, I'll take a flash rule
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# ¿ Nov 8, 2016 07:42 |
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My story got rejected, because it should have been rejected, because it was a crap story about bird crap
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# ¿ Nov 13, 2016 23:15 |
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Protect the Future Removed. You can still read these crappy words right here in the archives! BeefSupreme fucked around with this message at 09:16 on Jan 3, 2017 |
# ¿ Nov 14, 2016 10:01 |
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Here's a prompt: I challenge you to a Beef-off
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# ¿ Nov 15, 2016 10:08 |
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Fleta Mcgurn posted:Beef Stroganoff Erogenous Beef posted:Bring it. Who shall judge the BeefBQ? Seems we've got a Beef Sloganoff Okay serious business here are some crits Peanut Milk I like this story, even though it seems fairly inconsequential. There is no real conflict--neither in the present, with him reckoning with this suddenly dredged up memory, or in the past, with his not-quite relationship with Peanut Girl. In the end, he discards her memory pretty flippantly. I think you do a fairly good job of characterization here of Rui (I think that's your protagonist?), particularly in his social nervousness, both with these douchey coworkers and with the girl. Also, is he talking to the milk carton? The most interesting idea here is the bit you get to with the theme park, and the idea of revisiting old memories, now diminished or even tarnished by the revisiting. Not only that, but like the theme park the interest in future interactions is diminished as well. Those are ideas worth exploring, and I do think this format works well for that. Don't like the way you've combined these sentences: "You’re probably not that successful, although I am happy to see that you’re gracing the good brand of peanut milk, but you’re almost definitely more successful than me." Consecutive subordinate clauses is weird here. This might be a run-on? Subject: I love you I’m sorry I get the idea of your story, but there are some really confusing bits. This could have used another pass to look at some conflicting details. For example, in the last graf, your protag says they are going home to talk to their parents about who they're working with, but then they say they don't know if they can tell their parents about Rachel. A couple grafs before that, the protag says that their dad said "something like", then says they can remember it really well. Which is it? Also, not giving us any details about your character here makes it hard to identify with him/her. I don't love the text message device at the start of the story. I don't know that it adds anything except that maybe this person is a total dick, bailing on a girl they say they love without even texting back. I don't think that's what you're going for here, so I might drop it or reframe it. The incident you describe with Adam is cartoonishly racist, as are your character's parents. I think this would benefit from some more subtlety in that department. Overall, I would say this story fails to make me empathize with the plight of this character, and a lack of realistic details or decision making is part of that. Deadline Imminent-Please Open Immediately You've got the seed of an interesting idea here, but the execution left me severely wanting. The details are too extreme across the board. 20 million dollars? Where did he get all that money? Especially since the implication is he's a fairly low level worker. I don't really know why he kills himself now, as opposed to closer to the manslaughter in question. It's plausible, but you don't give any real reason why he stuck around and just now decided it was time to go. An autistic man seeking a management position to develop his own social awareness is interesting. Some of the things you're doing format-wise and pacing wise are interesting, in light of his autism. I don't know if an autistic person would call out where his storytelling-style diverges from the norm, however. I also didn't understand why he was so distraught after he successfully carpooled everyone home. I don't really know why the little girl had to die in this story, other than to drive the plot. 99 Songs Of Revolution Nice streetlight reference I'm assuming this is in response to election results? There's not a ton to say here, because it's so short. It's not tremendously original, but originality is overrated. I think the biggest problem I have is a lack of clarity on why this letter is necessary--that is, why does Murphy have to leave? I understand the motivation, but why can't Murphy bring his love along? What danger is there? Are we talking literal wars to come? Basically, I could have used 100 more words. I don't know if there is a lot beyond that, though.
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# ¿ Nov 15, 2016 11:32 |
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In
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# ¿ Nov 16, 2016 04:49 |
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Chili posted:I gotchu fellas. Here's what I need: Come at me, Beef.
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# ¿ Nov 17, 2016 05:47 |
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Chili posted:Oh and feel free to ask for a flash rule if need be. Alright flash me
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# ¿ Nov 17, 2016 19:18 |
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The Case of the Confounding Fragrance Removed. You can still read these crappy words right here in the archives! BeefSupreme fucked around with this message at 09:14 on Jan 3, 2017 |
# ¿ Nov 20, 2016 11:21 |
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In, 13th century AD
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# ¿ Nov 22, 2016 20:26 |
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The Space Between Removed. You can still read these crappy words right here in the archives! BeefSupreme fucked around with this message at 09:13 on Jan 3, 2017 |
# ¿ Nov 23, 2016 05:07 |
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Can't disagree with that judgment. Good story, Erogenous. I humbly cede the title of King Beef, for now.
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# ¿ Nov 23, 2016 05:58 |
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Edit: Erog, I'll return the favor. You'll have a crit tomorrow. Here's the crit I promised you, Chili General thoughts: I understand why thranguy feels as he does about the ending. I like this idea of telling the story through the dirt, and the mostly consistent use of it, but the end doesn't hit like it should. I think some of that has to do with the jungle perspective's voice, which isn't great. I don't really know who is supposed to be telling us this story. You could have gone for a more distinct voice here, like a village storyteller, or not at all. I also think the punchlessness of the ending has to do with Rohan's motivations and goals. I think you need to set them up earlier, and make them clearer, so that I can have thoughts about whether he failed in his task, because he didn't understand the jungle, or whether him killing the tiger would be a failure, or whatever. If the end is ambiguous, everything else should be really clear. I am curious what you would have done with the extra 400 words from this prompt. I think there is more to say here, and those 400 words could have fleshed out Rohan and his motivations. You've got a strong core of eternal human stories--coming of age, fighting for independence, wanting to be seen as a man--but I want to know Rohan beyond the foolishness he displays here. I want more about the jungle. It was a pretty quick read, and enjoyable, and the prose is decent, but it left me wanting more. Which can be good, but not in this case. Good idea, good structure, a couple more passes makes this story pop I think. Chili posted:Week CCXXIV: I Wanna Dome You Like An Animal BeefSupreme fucked around with this message at 10:40 on Nov 23, 2016 |
# ¿ Nov 23, 2016 10:32 |
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Kaishai posted:and BeefSupreme's "The Bear and the Snake" aloud, and the latter especially is a treat. While I would love the dramatic reading and criticism, that particular story does not belong to me. It belongs to beige, as far as I can tell. And I'm gonna have to DQ this week--family stuff crowded out my writing time. I'll have something, but it will be late.
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# ¿ Nov 28, 2016 00:35 |
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Chili posted:Beef Supreme requested I line crit this story as opposed to his brawl sub, so here it is. This is great criticism. Thanks. Get Chili to crit your stuff. Erogenous Beef posted:Ok, so, on the whole, this is a decent character-driven piece. I have a few macro-level criticisms to level at it. This is also great criticism. Thanks. Unfortunately, I don't have time to give your brawl entry the crit it deserves, though I can offer a few general comments. When I get back from vacation, if you want a legit line-crit, I'll give you one. Garden Variety Overall, I quite liked this piece. I love me a good dystopia, so you had me invested right away. This idea of veganism run rampant seems a relevant idea in this era of political extremism. I think the length of this piece fits the potential depth of a dystopia focusing on veganism, however--don't really think there are many more places to go. My main criticism stems from a lack of clarity of the motivations of your character. It's apparent from the get go that Chelsea is a hipster vegan, which you develop well through tone and the relationship with Verne. However, I felt as if her disgust at the burning of the leather was abrupt. Even though I knew she was in this movement for the cultural cachet, there was no hint that she was not fully committed to the cause. Could have used a line earlier suggesting this, or a line suggesting that perhaps she is surprised by her feelings in that moment. I also could have used some evidence that Chelsea is secretly a meat lover, or was at one point. The use of color (a la The Giver) is a good device, and it makes sense in the context of the story. But where does the compulsion come from for her? Was she formerly a meat lover? Is it pure instinct? An answer there significantly strengthens Chelsea as a character, in my view. Good dystopian fiction. Good joke ending. Like Chili said, it's a risk, but it lands.
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# ¿ Dec 2, 2016 00:10 |
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I know you were all waiting with bated breath for my return. In. Flash.
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# ¿ Dec 14, 2016 16:12 |
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Mean Things Removed. You can still read these crappy words right here in the archives! BeefSupreme fucked around with this message at 09:11 on Jan 3, 2017 |
# ¿ Dec 19, 2016 05:55 |
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In, and also I'll give someone a line crit for my bounty if someone claims it by tomorrow
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# ¿ Dec 20, 2016 03:15 |
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okay widespread you get a crit since you dm'dwidespread posted:Silver Nitride Is A Hell Of A Thing. Looking back at the prompt, I don't know that this really fulfills it. I never get the sense that Jackson is incompetent or in over his head. He clearly screws up (I think), unless these compounds are actually unlabeled, which is totally not chill in a lab. Again, I don't really know. I don't even know enough about Jackson to draw any meaningful conclusions either way. Part of the problem is I have no idea what actually happened, as I said a couple of times above. Seems like maybe he mixed the wrong two compounds together? A couple of sentences really could have cleared things up. And if lab work is beyond his capabilities, how did he get in to the lab? An experiment, especially one in which the professor knows this student's name on day one, would seemingly be hard to get into on false pretenses. Why get into this lab? Is it particularly prestigious? I have a lot of questions, and not the good kind. And why does he die in this story? And it's still not due to any sort of incompetence. It's really just bad, bad luck. It's not an earned death in the framework of this story. And I don't even really care, because, again, I know next to nothing about Jackson. There is an interesting story in there about someone doing science who should not be doing science, but that is not the story we got.
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# ¿ Dec 21, 2016 06:40 |
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Beef-Actual, this is Beef, requesting a flash rule, over.
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# ¿ Dec 22, 2016 02:23 |
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A Christmas Feast Removed. You can still find these crappy words right here in the archives! BeefSupreme fucked around with this message at 09:09 on Jan 3, 2017 |
# ¿ Dec 26, 2016 08:51 |
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In. I'm ready to Fight Father Time.quote:Just because you’re getting older doesn’t mean you have to let it show. There are all sorts of new procedures and products aimed at waging war against aging. Don’t go down without a fight and keep those youthful good looks as long as you can!
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# ¿ Dec 27, 2016 02:54 |
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Chairchucker posted:Here come (some of?) the last crits of 2016. Some of is right Thunderdome 2017teen: Crit more Crits from The War, On Christmas ThirdEmperor Your story does not work, at all. It starts with the fact that it is impossible to tell what is going on. Where are we, when are we, who the hell is talking? What are these character’s names? What in the hell is happening? Is he a time traveler? Is he dreaming? Is he on a spaceship? It’s basically impossible to understand. I’m also not sure your story actually hits the prompt, which is a war affected by Christmas. Can’t see much of either here, except for the word Christmas twice, and some oblique mentions of war-type things. In spots, you have good words. The problem is, your words are all jumbled up. I’m pretty sure you ran out of time, but you’ve got to tidy this stuff up. I think this is supposed to indicate that the mug is sweating OJ, but it is incredibly unclear. "orange-juice-sweating" would help, but I don't know why I care that the mug is sweating OJ. quote:he drank his orange juice sweating, festive mug This sentence is bad. You've got an unclear antecedent, since there are technically two possibilities for who chewed away on automatic. Since I know the grandfather is eating, and it's closest to him, I know that it should refer to him; even so, it makes the reader have to do work that you don't need them to. Unless you're intentionally being confusing in this story, which, well, good job. Also, if "at the two portraits" is supposed to give us an idea of what else John looks at, either he looks at the portrait (so say that), or he looks at anything but his grandfather, in which case, tell us some more things. quote:It was weird and John stared at anything but his grandfather as he chewed away on automatic, at the two portraits sitting on the wall. Besides the slight but strange tonal detour this story takes right about here, this sentence is bad. I know you're writing it as it might be said out loud, but this is bad dialogue. Strange that he'd say "heck" and "loving" in the same sentence. quote:Heck, I - I'd let you forget that, do let you forget, so eat your loving cornflakes. I don't need this. Lol come on man. Six fucks, seven lines. It's not as expressive a word as you seem to think. quote:"gently caress." Final thought: gently caress Entenzahn I like this story. I think it was one of the stronger entries this week. I’ve got some quibbles with your language in places, which I’ll go through below. Overall, I could have used just a tad more characterization of these guys. I think we’re supposed to root for these guys because Mockwood represents the rich politicians pulling the levers of war, but I don’t think we get enough to actually identify with Rocke and Seet in their coup attempt. This feels a bit like an alternate timeline WWII set in the US (based on the politician titles), I think you could leverage existing knowledge of the war if you more clearly identified the setting. That could help with establishing the audience’s favor. If it’s NOT supposed to refer to WWII, making clear the conditions of war could, again, help us to sympathize. Language stuff: You use this construction twice. There are times when it works, but I don’t like either instance of it here. quote:their hedges were still trimmed, quote:They hadn’t expected I don’t like this sentence. Starting with “but” feels flat. Maybe “in the process, however,” or incorporate “simultaneously” or something. Anyway, don’t like it as is. quote:But he took return fire This next bit happens immediately after that and it feels like it’s missing a piece of blocking. When did they enter the living room? Or are they not in the living room? Immediately after this it’s clear that they are in the living room, but it talks about opening the door, not barricading it. quote:The pounding on the door started just as they’d finished their makeshift barricade. The cabinet held firm.[quote] You repeat this construction twice, but it isn’t significant enough to add anything—in fact, I think it detracts in this case. Either restructure, or use it more (don’t think it’s strong enough for that, though) quote:Somewhere along the way Rocke bled out on the floor. Somewhere along the way more bullets slammed past him. That’s all nitpicky stuff, but I think another revision would significantly strengthen this story. SkaAndScreenplays A pattern has emerged in all of your stories: you need to work on your punctuation. Often, you put commas where you need periods, or vice versa; your punctuation in and around dialogue often makes it difficult to read. If you want, for your next story, I’d be willing to give you an edit before you sub. Overall, I think this particular story suffers from a few big picture issues. 1) There is no conflict, really. Obviously, there is a war going on, but we get no real sense of it. Some imagery here might do the trick. But in the plot of this particular story, no conflict happens for any of the major characters. It might be a function of the warm, fuzzy Christmas feel you’re going for, but it needs something more. 2) Your characters are all flat. They don’t all have to be round, but you need at least one or two. None of your characters, though, are complex in any way. This story needs some context. Who is Walter, and where did he come from? Where are his parents? What have these characters lost, due to the war? Something. 3) In general, we have no sense of the war. Is the ceasefire likely to last? I have no idea, because I have no sense of either side, or the conditions of the war, either in the past or at present. Mostly, we don’t feel the war in any specific way. Makes it hard to feel for the characters, either. I don’t think this story works as is. The idea of a kid who befriends a group of soldiers getting them gifts is fine, even potentially interesting, but you need more than you’ve got here. Boaz-Jachim This story is goodish. Not sure it quite hits the prompt (where is the holiday? I guess the soldier letting him run is a Christmas miracle?). The stories I’ve read of yours (not many) all do a good job of establishing specific elements of the characters involved; that is true here. You can feel the refugee’s (?) fear and desperation. You can feel the animalistic nature of the soldier. That’s done with good consistent imagery. I’m not sure what to make of your verb tenses. Obviously, you’re playing with them on purpose, but I am not sure how I feel about them, whether the future tense adds anything substantive to the story. Maybe it paints a picture of a continuous reality, in which predator hunts prey, or something? Might work. Might not. Thranguy This is a nice little story. Maybe a little bit of a stretch, but does a nice job of relating the seriousness with which children take the things they do, the things that happen to them. Overall, I like it. A couple of problems. One, you’ve got a few typos. Nothing major, but missing letters are distracting (officers, hand). Two (and I acknowledge that this might be a reader problem), there is a tone shift when your protag gets hit by the rock snowball. Before that, despite the comparisons to real war, the tone is pretty light. The protag is telling a nice little story about the Snowball Wars, with no hint that War Is Hell is coming down the pipe, which you might expect a storyteller to let you know up front. GenJoe Story doesn’t work for me. It’s not bad, it’s not good. It kind of just is. The biggest problem for me is that I have no clear sense of what’s going on, and I can’t see a reason that I shouldn’t. Being vague about story details works if the story is generalizable, i.e. it could be about any war. This one is clearly about a specific war, but I don’t know anything about it, except we’re fighting (North?) Korea? I sure know a lot about what these dudes are getting their kids for Christmas, but not why he can’t give him a spaceman figure now. What is the plan? Why are the satellites down? The ending also really does not work for me. It’s abrupt, and gives no good sense of direction. Obviously he’s going to see if his family is safe. But that line of dialogue is not strong enough to end on. I need something more. Overall, not enough detail, and not enough anything else to make up for that lacking detail (i.e. Boaz-Jachim’s story). Also, not really an ending. Benny Profane At first, I definitely did not get your story. I think now I do? I still think I might be missing the historical context to make this story work better for me. Your language is decent, though stumbles at times. Don’t like this sentence: “The crowd did not part in advance of his approach, but permitted his passage as he slid between their bodies”. Are they moving or not? I’m not sure if that sentence achieves anything, really, which I feel about some of the imagery in general. To me, it appears this story is about a man unwelcoming to the increasingly inevitable Carthaginian influence (obviously, re: Carthago delenda est), a fact that will be (is?) his downfall. That assumes that the curved golden-handled blade on a purple pillow is particularly Carthaginian, which I don’t know. Ultimately, I don’t know what to do with your story. It’s too vague in the contextual details, given that the specifics of Roman-Carthaginian conflicts are hardly common knowledge. And ultimately, there’s no real ending here, without having a specific knowledge of the meaning that blade. Which I don’t have. Lead out in cuffs Whoa this got dark in a hurry. Anyway, not a bad story. I think in the middle to upper tier for the week, from what I’ve read. Does a good job of setting up important details, decent dialogue, fine pacing. I understand the characters pretty quickly. John is pretty cartoonishly evil, which I guess is a danger of short stories. The things that his character does are terrible; you’ve got to make us buy that people would stick around him. Maybe it’s just because he can provide for these two women, but to me, he needs some charm or some other magnetic quality. Idk, maybe that’s just me though. Also put another line breaks between those grafs. You do it for like half the story; do it for all of it. Baleful Osmium Sea This is fine. Well realized within the bounds of the world you have set up. Biggest problem I have is the seeming lack of explanation for why Jeohavhai suddenly becomes bloodthirsty and hateful. Isn’t foreshadowed at all and seems fairly out of character for him. Also, is rabbit hunting a holiday tradition I am unaware of? I know about Wren Day in England, but not something about rabbits. Or perhaps you have invented your own holiday, which would make sense in the context of this story. I’m thinking that’s it.
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# ¿ Jan 1, 2017 00:23 |
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Katdicks -- Ashes Crit for a newbie! Sitting Here gave you a good crit already, and I generally agree with it. This is an OK story, and compared to my first entry, quite good. Below, I've included some thoughts about specific portions of your story. Here are my general thoughts: • The story is generally lacking in consequences. Despite it being about a bomb detonation, aside from a collapsed building, everything we encounter survives. Not saying it needs to be a gorefest, but if the consequences are as dire as your protag feels they are, we need to feel it to. I think that would make the ending feel more gratifying, as well. • Like SH said, your characters are flat. Why are we following THIS guy, and not some other guy? If it’s supposed to be an everyman tale (which, maybe it is, since we don’t get a name), I think you’d need more details to deliver that. We need some specifics about the experience that these characters have. And a couple of times, as I’ll mention below, you have opportunities for that but you decline to use them. • Pretty decent action choreography, which can be challenging. Never had any real trouble understanding where I was, Though I do think you could fix your initial description of the house in some small ways. quote:I chased the sound and arrived, panting, at the remains of a home. The second floor had crumbled, and the weight of it had demolished two of the four outside walls.As becomes clear momentarily, it’s not the entire house. be specific: which side of the house? Which walls? I found an entry point through a window in one of the standing walls which one? and heaved myself into what had been a bedroom, mostly intact save for the dangerously warped ceiling. The sounds led me out of the room and to the end of the hallway, where the outside wall stood to my right, the collapsed portion of the house to my left, and straight in front of me, a single small room.here is where I had to flip the house, because earlier you left me to imagine the building but now you give specifics. Specific thoughts: Pretty heavy with the description of this delicate flower. Too much for me. quote:My wife gave me a warm embrace, kissed me softly on the cheek, and stepped back from me. Her jaw clenched as she picked up the scuffed white helmet, the mark of my trade, with her delicate hands. Her brows furrowed and she stared up at me with dark, doe eyes. I don't know how much this prologue does for you, other than introducing the character of his wife and telling us that it is currently holiday. Like SH, I don't love the stuff where the protag sees his wife's face, finds the strength to go on, etc. And this section is pretty clearly only here to provide that character for your protag. I think you could give us a lot of this detail as the protag rides to the bombsite, or as he sits waiting for the alarm. The first advice I received upon arriving in the dome is start your story where it gets interesting. Not sure this is that place. Also, the dialogue could be used here to deliver some of the character description this story is lacking (like SH said), because as is, it is pretty cliché. quote:“Today there will be peace, right? For the Prophet’s birthday?” We could hear the chatter from the crowds outside beginning to form. Soon there would be raucous chanting to signal the beginning of Mawlid. When I was a child, the noise excited me. Now, it only reminds me of what I could lose.need something here. Has he lost something? Is he afraid of losing his wife? What could he lose? I yearned for the silence and the peace that it indicates. should be indicated, since it apparently no longer indicates that. Also, I am pretty sure "it" refers to the noise, so I'm not clear how noise could indicate silence. quote:I met with my fellow White Hats in our rescue center. We talked and ate, all the time dreading the call to action.I think you could stand to show us the ways this manifests. Maybe it affects the way they go about their daily routine, or something. Make us feel it. The sun rose directly above us, and we began our prayers. We prayed aloud for peace and for our love of Mohammad to be shown through our work. In my head, I prayed selfishly to return to my wife. We sat in hopeful silence after the midday prayers. quote:The eight of us hurried out of our makeshift ambulance and into the center of the bomb site, marked by a large crater and thick smoke. I think the lack of consequences could be replaced by mention of previously felt consequences, which you allude to here. Maybe give us more, give us a specific memory, something. quote:The crying stopped, and for a moment I sat motionless, entirely numb and cold. My mind rushed with memories of past failed rescues, of the bodies, the screams.
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# ¿ Jan 1, 2017 01:36 |
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Clockwork Removed. You can still find these crappy words right here in the archives! BeefSupreme fucked around with this message at 09:04 on Jan 3, 2017 |
# ¿ Jan 2, 2017 07:51 |
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# ¿ Mar 19, 2024 11:44 |
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a new study bible! posted:yeah Djeser's is good too I'm on this train
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# ¿ Jan 2, 2017 21:48 |