Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us $3,400 per month for bandwidth bills alone, and since we don't believe in shoving popup ads to our registered users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
«4 »
  • Locked thread
Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



I'm in

"Adjusted value of bees"

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



I'm salty for many reasons. Okay mostly one. Please send help.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Please help I am locked in a tank full of sea water and they won't stop throwing glitter on me and injecting my butt with fish blood

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Failing. to submit a redemption in the form of poetry by midnight PST a week from today.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Djeser posted:

I'm in

"Adjusted value of bees"

Djeser posted:

Failing. to submit a redemption in the form of poetry by midnight PST a week from today.
http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?...2C+Honeyed+City

Djeser fucked around with this message at Dec 31, 2016 around 19:10

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Titus82 posted:

So as you can already see you should all just pack it in and cal it a week, cause I got this poo poo locked down. Tight. As tight as... Um, something sexual.

gently caress yeah!

If you think you're up to the task of critiquing me, go ahead, I double dog dare you. But my poo poo is going to blow your mind. You're going to be like "Omgz did he just reference a simple poetry form? I'm not even sure what that means! I should just go back to stuffing coal up my butt to make diamonds."

I won't be around for the live event, not that you even need to do it now, but whatevahs. I hope you butt miners can think of something new to occupy your time. Cause this poo poo is done.

Outie.

-T.

That's right, I only need one letter to identify me, that's how cool I am.



This post in NO WAY constitutes a challenge to anybody, because I am a scared baby.

cool

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



What is this nonsense, no justice for docbeard

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



sports me

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Broenheim posted:

Idk if you're ask for a sports or not, so I'm gonna give you one anyways.

Your sports is esports. Please know that LoL and Dota aren't the only esports, there's also Starcraft and fighting games. In honor of Genesis 3 (and one of my favorite esports to watch), if the game you use is Super Smash Bros. then you get 200 extra words.

Also, caveat, please avoid stereotyping esports players as fat, awkward nerds.

k, gonna ignore this

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



God Over Djinn posted:

attn djeser: in the interest of fairness and because curlingiron inexplicably wants to kick your specific rear end, i had to switch you from OCK to MER. sorry bro

thanks for switching me to the winning team

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



glad to have you back dogog

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



curlingiron posted:

I want the words

Let's be clear: Djeser is so good at doing robot voices in readings because he is incapable of feeling or expressing human emotion. Which is cool when you're reading Garfield erotic fiction, or salvaging a newbie's I, Robot fanfic, but his writing is so mechanical and flavorless that Acoustic Kitty (an actual robot) churns out realer poo poo on a regular basis. His sole win only happened because someone else stepped in to salvage his pathetic drivel.

Team Ock is going to win because Team Mer is a bunch of feel-good hug-boxers, who are too busy jerking off and flirting with the people they're supposed to be fighting to write anything of substance or merit. Enough said.

pretty much true,

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



I don't care

teams are dumb and gently caress you [the judges[

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?...e+Blessed+Beast

Djeser fucked around with this message at Dec 31, 2016 around 19:10

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



docbeard posted:

So did anyone want any crits or what

http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/brawls.php?story=367 ok please

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Broenheim posted:

counterpoint: everyone's stories suck

Rebuttal: So do you.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Crit for Crit

I'm interested in cleaning up a Thunderdome story to possibly shop it around or something. It can be found here on the archive.

You can either PM me or drop me a google doc on IRC or whatever. In return, I'll give you one crit for a story of your choosing.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Labyrinth week:

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Oh if this is a horror week, then count me in.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Hug in a Can posted:

I'm in, but I can't decide between incorporating Aware and Wabi-Sabi - they're both concepts that I've adored for ages.

Is it okay if I use both?

No one will be upset if you use both well, but if you clearly tried to cram two stories worth of ideas into one story and don't do either one justice, then people are going to be upset.

As a rule of thumb, if you can pull it off, you'll get away with just about anything.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



I want something to do while bored out my own rear end in South Carolina so I'm judging this week or whatever

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



If there's already three judges then I'm in

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



The long night is over.

Submissions closed

Will sebmojo and Sitting Here eat a DQ? Stay tuned.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Week gently caress Whatever Crits, They're For This One Part One: The Tragedy Of Forty Glowsticks For Five Bucks And Nothing To Do

This was a whole week of plain oatmeal, a week of getting off of work at 5:15 and coming home to eat a leftover quesadilla. The bad stories were the most boring of the bunch and the good stories only stood out by being marginally less bland.

Guiness13 - For Old Times' Sake
Some dickhole shows up, asks his friend to see his mom, turns out he was just running from some thugs. There's glimmers of something more interesting where this guy is forcing this druggie not to shoot up, but the overarching plot was just boring and the protagonist was a nothing of a character. He's got a car. That's all I know about him. The ending is an unsatisfying end to a boring plot--I mean, I'm glad that Generic Guy isn't dealing with Junkie Jerk any more, but you failed to pull off the 'gently caress this, I'm going home' ending.

Mid-boring.

J.A.B.C. - Off Week
A nephew stays with his ghost-hunting uncle for a week. This is an interesting setup, but instead of telling me an interesting story, you gave me three episode summaries from a CW show about two family members hunting ghosts with cool weapons. What do the characters want? Where did they try to get what they want? Did they achieve anything at the end? I don't know, because it feels like I just followed around someone for the night. A list of experiences is not a story in and of itself. A story needs conflict and resolution, and the only conflict I saw was in little blips that were covered front and back with more worldbuilding about how to hunt ghosts.

Mid-boring.

anime was right - Ivory Ornament
This immediately stood out to me, even after only reading two stories this week. I was like, ah, yes, this is interesting. A story should start being interesting immediately because otherwise I'm going to put it down and go do something that doesn't involve deliberately boring myself. It's all about this one central action, and trying to rectify that, so I get the conflict clearly, and by the end, I think I got what you were going for with the mother's role and how his understanding of her has changed somewhat. The tone really worked for me here, it gave me the sense of a monochrome Chris Van Allsburg illustration.

Top-interesting.

sparksbloom - Reroll
I wasn't as big on this initially, but in a week of very, very boring stories, this ended up standing out. It's a complicated premise, and at points you veer close to having your character just explain to the reader what's going on, but in the end it works, for the most part. The 'vessel' really confused me, because I thought it was a ship, but then it was a bird, but then it wasn't. And while I understood the conflict your character was going through, I didn't quite sympathize with him, because you are kind of a jerk if you're killing people just to prolong your own life.

High-interesting.

hotsoupdinner - Bring Me Down To The River
There ended up being a weird amount of rustic stuff going on this week. I generally liked this more than not, but there wasn't anything here to particularly grab onto and go "ah, yes, this is very good". The tone wavered in and out of this True Grit narration style you tried to do in the beginning. Most of the story is dedicated just to leaving, and I'm not sure what the wolf adds that you couldn't have done with the bear. The ending is realistic but kind of annoyingly ambiguous--yeah, they're in the river, is she okay, or just waking up because it's cold, or what? I don't know if explaining that would make it better, but I just felt unsure of what the 'new day' stuff really meant for them.

Mid-interesting.

Thranguy - Louder Than Moonlight
This story's tough. You did cool stuff. You hosed up too, though. The weird magical music festival/marketplace is neat, and the setting details work well. But your protagonist is barely a character, and for someone who seems to know about the narrative conceits popular in fairy tale stuff, she sure doesn't question where her friend got that flower. And she seems particularly willing to accept that what's his face is actually what's his face, and not Slightly Different Devil. And then at the end suddenly it's someone's soul is forfeit but it's not his soul it's your soul but it's also the girl's soul and then they have a fiddle-off. There's something really cool in there, but the main plot is kind of plodding until it becomes rushed nonsense.

Mid-interesting.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



I won a week with this:

quote:

Lizzie had a great smile, a cute rear end, and some really juicy organs. Most people couldn't tell how wet someone's insides were by sight, but Ram could. She had hella internal fluids, and he wanted to get all up in that.

Thunderdome Cabal is alive and real and must be stopped.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



mfw thunderdome cabal can't handle kayfabe

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



flerp posted:

yeah but everyone does that anyways

more people own broenheim than a major corporation

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



in a world of pathetic fallacy, sittinghere just made the most pathetic fallacy

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Sitting Here posted:

this is the only part of your post i can see, sorry

is wishful thinking the same as magical realism

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



in, give me a song from stupid song contest for dummies

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



thanks for the crits sh

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



My samebrains brother spectres of autism wants to brawl and I am ready to bring my top-tier weird game and own him.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



time to go loving obtuse since you didn't say not to

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



if you're still in search of a third judge, Twist, I offer my blood-stained gavel.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Week 196 crits: EAT CRIT AND DIE

I'm grumpy, I haven't showered in two days, and you assholes can't write an ending to save your life. I look at all the things that made me mad this week and your inability to conclude a story is what bothered me the most. Let's operate under the assumption that your story is interesting. For some of you, that's too much, but let's just assume. By the time your story's over, I should be able to say "this is what happened, and this is why it's important.' There were maybe three stories this week where I could actually say that. Some of you had collections of interesting things without a point. Some of you decided to go avant-garde and disregard the 'interesting' part too and just had a bunch of things happen and then the story was over.

An ending doesn't need to tie up every loose end, but when I get to an ending, I should feel like, ah, yes, that was the point of all of this. It's not a lesson or a moral, it doesn't need to be explicit, but at the end of a story I want to know for what reason you considered your previous 1,400 words to be worth telling. If you can't answer that then you need to go back and rethink your story. If you as the author don't know the point of your story how am I as the reader going to figure it out?

Chernabog - Upheaval
Good job providing fanfic for the video. All throughout this story I wondered why I should care about these people. Then, I got to the end, and I continued to wonder why I was supposed to care about them. They're loosely characterized and seem remarkably normal for living in snow globe and then being catastrophically broken out of their snow globe. I never had a good idea of what either of them wanted, so all I could do was listen to your labored descriptions of a normal thing from a different perspective. If any of the details of being inside a snowglobe had been important, I wouldn't have minded as much, but you spent a significant portion of your words on "They're in a snowglobe but I'm not saying that tee hee". Also, none of your characters actually do anything or experience change or growth, they're just inside and then boom they're outside and they're like "Uhh, what do we do?".

Toxxupation - Stress Relief
Marie's unremarkable except for being a big bitch in the beginning. Tomas is likewise a nothing character that just likes the outdoors. You set up a motivation in the beginning so I didn't mind so much wading through the paragraphs of backstory. You know what, though? You don't actually have to explain everything. Start with Marie trying to catch a rabbit thinking about Looney Tunes and I can put together that maybe poo poo went wrong for her. There's all this useless fluff around the core concept of a girl strangling a rabbit while thinking about Looney Tunes, and that's neat, but I don't give a poo poo about her finding s'mores too sticky because it doesn't affect her actual conflict in the story, it's all just background information keeping me from girl-on-rabbit violence.

spectres of autism - Suns
The casual quantum strangeness is what's cool about this story, but I don't know what the scene shift halfway through was supposed to actually convey. It's a dream he's having, but why is having that particular dream important? It doesn't impact Tape's planet-smashing nihilism. Writing stories about nihilist characters means you've got to overcome their default disinterest, and the world here is weird enough to do that, but his turn toward actually doing something for someone else still comes really late, literally two sentences befor the end. I enjoyed reading this and that's the first story I can say that for this week.

Mr Gentleman - A Story of Salt
This was a loving waste of my time. I'd call it a goony goon story, but that implies it has a plot, which it doesn't. I don't care about the main character. Everything in this is a caricature that's been done before. There's nothing interesting or original. I'm mad that I spent this many sentences on a crit of a story you didn't put any thought into.

a friendly penguin - Given No Shelter
I waited for the turn into interesting territory, but it never came. The protagonist just gets super upset at the new head of the English department and for no real reason. The man barely gets to say two sentences before the protagonist decides to go on this crazy vendetta against him, and the vendetta saps his performance as a regular person. Why do I care about Professor Revenge? Why was Deering so terrible? Is the irony that the protagonist complains about women being petty in the beginning and then ascends to insane levels of pettiness? Most of all, what was the point, just a cautionary tale about obsession?

Thranguy - Fugue

I'm no longer mad from Mr Gentleman's story after reading this. You did a lot of really risky poo poo but you made it work. A ton of scene changes and a time travel plot, but you kept it all 'about' Lexie and her life. By the time I got to the end, I agreed with her about her assessment of her life, and the weird poo poo happening throughout was cool, but always loose enough that I didn't get lost in the technicalities of it. This isn't a story about time travel, it's a story about this girl with time travel in it, and that's what makes it good.

Falconier111 - Four Lights
A serious case of First Chapter Syndrome--it ends at the point when things get interesting. Yeah, there was some cool stuff going on in the beginning, but there's so much slow slogging through worldbuilding that by the time the character actually makes a choice to do something strange, the story is basically over. I'll say one thing I liked--having him melt Angela first and then hearing her backstory was the right choice. I got garden pathed where you talked about his childhood home burning down.

sparksbloom - Sketches
This is well-written, but the end confused me. Why is she so sad for the main character--because they were hurt in the past, or because they keep drawing those pictures, or what? I get that the ending is where they feel sympathy for her, but I don't know why she feels sad.

Sitting Here - Messiah in Doubt

Another case of First Chapter Syndrome. There's cool imagery and a fun manic tone to this, but it still feels like the first part of a longer, more interesting piece with recurring characters. I wanted to hear more about this divinely-inspired person and their quest and more highway-based biblical fantasy nonsense.

Carl Killer Miller - Sweetest Invectives
This didn't go the way I thought it was going to at first, which was they're all part of a cult and he's going to die, or whatever. But somehow, the way it ended up was also generic. What happens if two people aren't cool with brutal murder, are they just both bishops now? What's the deal with the soul glow? There's interesting ideas here but my emotional investment in Joseph checked out around the time he got left alone in the church.

Tyrannosaurus - Twenty-Seven Isn't Much and a Coat's Even Less
All-around good story. Boyfriend's dad seemed a bit blunt for someone trying to be accepting, but I know the point is the whole actions speak louder than words thing. Not big on his hip millenial detachment of watching music videos on his phone while out in the woods, though that was brief enough as to not piss me off.

Grizzled Patriarch - Inner Space
Oh look Grizzled wrote a vignette. It's cool and weird, but you tugged the scrap of word meat out of my mouth just as I was going to bite down. What a dick move.

Broenheim - It's Not Okay

Oh look Broenheim wrote about a dog. The emotional range is good at least, and I liked the way the ending played out. On the other hand, another story about a dog.

newtestleper - Animal Welfare
Was this a vigenette or were you trying to make it a story? It was so vague I had trouble piecing together the plot. At first, I thought it was some apocalyptic thing before I figured out I guess they're doing some expose on farmers abandoning their farms and running off with the subsidies? What are their motivations, though? What do they want that they're struggling to get? It has about as much plot as looking around a farm would actually have, which is not a whole lot. There's cool word choices that interested me but the beginning was confusing and the end was unsatisfying.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/brawls.php?story=399

Djeser fucked around with this message at Dec 31, 2016 around 19:11

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



it's just to be nice to our resident rocky crustacean and librarian AI, and you don't have to be nice if you don't want to

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



dmboogie posted:

^Welp. Shame on me for not slamming the door on time.

Everyone else, signups are closed. Write words that won't make me and my fellow judges want the world to be set on fire.

We just want to start a flame in your heart

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



baudolino is real and he is strong and he is my friend

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Sitting Here posted:

You must choose ate least one!

i'm on a diet ashole

  • Locked thread
«4 »