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If you happen to have wandered into the Goon Doctor board any time in the last few years, you may have noticed that in between all the legitimate reports of infected penises and the endless threads about how much it sucks to be an EMT/med student/sick person, there's a thread about things stuck in assholes. For some reason, a group of health care workers has made the thread their own, and the tales that we tell are the stuff of queasy nightmare. I am one of the losers that posts in that thread. The other day your esteemed egg-themed moderator, City of Glompton, suggested that I make a thread where people can ask me terrible/stupid questions and I can pretend to answer them. This struck me as an excellent idea, because while I post a lot in that one thread, I would rather not completely dominate conversation there; and while I keep a blog (End of Shift Report), I post there once a week and it's all just stories about my job as an ICU nurse in a mid-sized hospital. So if you have any questions about what it's like to be an ICU nurse, how much poop and vaginal slough I see in the average week, how much blood have I personally eaten by accident, etc etc... or if you want any health stuff explained in relatively simple and/or profane terms... this is your chance. No question is too loving dumb or too ridiculous, although if you ask me something extremely weird you deserve the answer you get. Gross me out, BYOB. |
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Jan 16, 2016 04:21
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Please rank the orifices from funniest to least funny, and from grossest to most mundane. E: i have a hunch about which orifice is the lamest but I've never had the chance to ask a professional, so let's see which hole scores bad in both lists |
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Jan 16, 2016 04:24
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thank you Elise for stopping by!  . It's an honor to have you here!I know you like to make your patients squeaky clean...do you have to have certain certificates to do some hygiene tasks, or does that come with the RN territorry? Say if Gramps comes in with nasty blemishes/clogged pores, can you tackle them? I know some old folks get really distracting blackheads sometimes.
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Jan 16, 2016 04:34
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welcome elise! we're glad you're here. i'd imagine that one of the hardest parts of your job is not laughing when there's a tragic and yet hilarious situation someone's gotten themselves in can you tell us about one of those times?
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Jan 16, 2016 04:34
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how much do you hate your charge nurse and whats the fattest patient youve helped a CNA roll oveR? |
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Jan 16, 2016 04:36
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how many people have you kissed |
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Jan 16, 2016 04:37
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have you ever been in love |
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Jan 16, 2016 04:37
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how many people with alhzheimers or schizophrenia have tried to murder you and have u ever had to take the HIV cocktail? also are u an rn or bsn or what |
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Jan 16, 2016 04:38
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Hi elise welcome, i just wanted to say hi but i guess I'll ask what color are the scrubs at your hospital and do you ever get to wear fun print ones |
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Jan 16, 2016 04:40
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would you say healthcare workers are on average more fit or healthy that non-healthcare workers? how stressful would you say your job is? |
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Jan 16, 2016 04:49
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i once had a nurse-in-training friend that told me how she got through caring for her burn patient was pretending that she was "sanding a table" when scrubbing his dead skin off. do you still do any mental tricks to get through the days or are just the grossest things completely normal now? |
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Jan 16, 2016 04:56
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have you ever seen a brain was it cool ---------------- |
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Jan 16, 2016 05:00
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pig slut lisa posted:Please rank the orifices from funniest to least funny, and from grossest to most mundane. Least funny: ears. That poo poo's not funny. Second least funny: vagina. The vulva as a whole is loving hilarious, but the vagina itself is just kind of damp and disinterested and only makes funny noises if you sit weird and queef. Slightly more funny: urethra, because at least you can see that one, and boy do they look loving stupid sometimes. Funnier still: nostrils, because boogers come out of them, fingers go into them, and the word nostril sounds like something a three-year-old made up to gross out his mom Genuinely funny: anus. Come on, you knew this one was funny. Most funny: The mouth, because it makes words, and allows people to appreciate all the stupid poo poo that goes through the human brain . |
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Jan 16, 2016 05:02
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Grossest orifice: the butt hole. poo poo comes out of it. Not much more to tell you there. Second grossest: the vagina. Sometimes poo poo comes out of there too. Honestly, this orifice is a contender for grossest, but a nice healthy vagina is a totally different creature from the curd-drooling, excoriated, yeast-populated slag piles I see at work. Slightly less gross: nostrils, because boogers are still pretty gross when you think about them Kind of gross if you think about it: mouths, which drool and also expel phlegm. Not really gross: urethras, which are just not a big deal Boring: ear holes. Boooooring. |
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Jan 16, 2016 05:07
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don't eat blood, please
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Jan 16, 2016 05:12
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City of Glompton posted:thank you Elise for stopping by! Well, we aren't allowed to cut toenails, because of the risk of infection and the potentially life-impacting consequences if we tear a hole in a diabetic pt's foot. It still happens sometimes, when poo poo gets gnarly. We pop cysts and squeeze those nauseating tunneled blackheads alllll the time. I really hate them, and get one of my grosser coworkers to do it for me.... but if there's nobody around, I'll use warm wet packs to loosen them up, gently scrub the visible portion to break it up, and see what I can do until time to pass it off to the next nurse (and whoever on the next shift likes popping pimples). |
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Jan 16, 2016 05:12
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elise the great posted:Least funny: ears. That poo poo's not funny. elise the great posted:Grossest orifice: the butt hole. poo poo comes out of it. Not much more to tell you there. Hell yes. Ears was my guess for lamest hole and I was right. I'm a doctor now. |
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Jan 16, 2016 05:14
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actually not so fast, i would never have pegged vaginas for both gross and unfunny. i guess i still have a lot to learn. |
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Jan 16, 2016 05:15
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the grossest thing I can think of is acute vulvar myiasis. have you ever seen anything grosser?
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Jan 16, 2016 05:16
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when i interned with a urologist i saw them cut a vaginal cyst open and it looked like mostly the stuff that came out was blood but i didnt think cysts were full of blood. what are vaginal cysts usually full of |
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Jan 16, 2016 05:20
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i went to the hospital and they put a big needle tube in my arm and a I did not cry much am I a brave boy? |
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Jan 16, 2016 05:30
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when other people complain about their jobs do you secretly feel like a kid who's friend still believes in santa claus?
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Jan 16, 2016 05:43
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FluffieDuckie posted:welcome elise! we're glad you're here. I don't work in the emergency department, which is where the real schadenfreude dwells, but a few weeks ago I took care of a dude who ripped out his foley catheter. Foley catheters consist of a collector bag, a long plastic tube, a thin rubbery tube that goes into the urethra, and an inflatable rubbery balloon on the end of the tube that inflates inside the bladder. It's maybe a little smaller than a ping-pong ball and is inflated with sterile saline, so ripping one of those out is never fun. Confused pts do this sometimes, causing urethral trauma and sometimes even rendering themselves temporarily incontinent. I mean, imagine ripping a water balloon the size of a ping-pong ball out of your dick. This guy wasn't confused, he just really wanted to leave the hospital so he could score a little crack. He had recently suffered kidney failure from smoking one too many rocks-- crack skyrockets your blood pressure and blows the hoses in your kidneys, among other body parts-- and we were carefully watching his kidneys' response to treatment by measuring how much urine he produced, down to the mL. Needless to say, we urged him not to leave the hospital, but he wasn't having any of our bullshit. Crack logic led him down some incomprehensible path: this foley is for watching my pee levels, and I'm in the hospital to watch my pee levels, so if I get rid of the foley, I can leave the hospital! We heard the screams at the nurses' station, and rushed in to find him holding the catheter in his hand, about halfway removed, screaming in horror because the fully-inflated balloon was lodged somewhere between bladder and wang. Of course we deflated it... only to advance it back into the bladder and reinflate it, because that's less traumatic than starting over with a new kit. Poor fucker. His dick bled for a full day. Yes, we laugh about poo poo like this where our pts can't see. We have to, because it happens at least every few weeks, and the alternative is cringing so hard our faces get stuck like that. |
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Jan 16, 2016 05:43
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Ace of Baes posted:how much do you hate your charge nurse and whats the fattest patient youve helped a CNA roll oveR? At this job, my charge nurses are pretty rad. In my career, I've had charge nurses I loved so much I would come in on my day off to make their lives easier, and charge nurses I've hated so much I made fun of them in front of their children and wives. One of my charge nurses at this job reads my blog, and hasn't said anything too nasty about it yet, so I guess when the revolution comes, I won't let him be eaten. |
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Jan 16, 2016 05:51
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in case anyone is looking for something to do while Elise is typing and/or hopefully enjoying her evening of not touching butts, I highly recommend you check out her blog, End of Shift Report. it's really good.
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Jan 16, 2016 06:11
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The fattest pt pretty much ever was this one dude who was just... amazing. Like, amazing. Whenever I think about the normal human skeleton floating in that huge mass, I get a little... ugh. He was quite tall, or had been when he could walk. I don't know his exact weight. He had a tracheostomy, because he was too fat to breathe. He completely filled up a bed, and none of our gowns could even slightly fit him, so he lay in bed naked-- he didn't like sheets or blankets-- in a side-lying Jabba position. His fat rolls lapped up against the bed rails like pudding poured into a dish. He would spread a towel over his enormous belly, which would have hung down past his knees if he could still stand, and because he didn't feel like swallowing his spit he would just hock it into his hand and wipe it on the towel. His muscles and ligaments had remodeled, atrophied, and contracted until he was stuck in that position permanently, and even his fat had distributed itself into a gravity-formed sprawl. He had a serious, serious eating disorder. He could not stop eating. It wasn't like that thing where you picture some chunky dude sitting in a truck, mainlining cheeseburgers. It was an anxiety compulsion that drove him to eat constantly, voluminously, or else suffer crushing panic attacks. Combine this with a severe personality disorder and screaming, flinging tantrums, and you had the least fun pt in the history of pts. He was huge, and no skilled nursing facility in the area would take him. He stayed at that hospital for almost four months, until (apparently) we found a SNF in Canada that was willing to give him a try. God only knows where he is now. Anyway, one day he poo poo himself and all the poo poo just slid down his earthward buttcheek like normal, except that there was more liquid than usual and it completely flooded the bed. We had to turn him and change the linens. We already turned him every two hours-- that is, we tilted him a little to one side and a little to the other, and shoved pillows under his bulk-- but this time we had to actually rotate him enough to undress and redress each half of the bed in turn. It took seven people; we had to borrow CNAs from other floors. This happened at least once a week. At the place where I work now, we have ceiling hoists-- called hammock lifts in hospital parlance, to make them sound nicer and less heavy-machinery to our pts-- that we can use with mesh slings to lift pts up to 350lbs. Him, we might have struggled to lift, even with the hammock. |
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Jan 16, 2016 06:21
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i am he posted:how many people have you kissed I kissed the guy I was assigned to marry in our small highly religious town. We dated/were engaged for two and a half years. I kissed my roommate at the camp in Arkansas where my assigned fiance and I worked one summer, after we broke up and while we were all still stuck in the same isolated valley full of ranch houses. My roommate was hot. We made out all summer and then never talked again. I kissed a guy on the first date because I knew I was going to marry him, even though the assigned fiance and I had only been broken up for two months. We later married. We are still married. It's pretty great. I kissed a classmate in nursing school. More accurately, she kissed me. She was a policeman's wife and I suddenly got a lot of tickets after that. I kissed a coworker at a party on a dare. Her husband made me feel really gross about it. Later I found out she had just kissed my sister in the next room over. Baaaaarf. I kissed... a couple of other people, but I am definitely not talking about those. This is a liberal part of the world. |
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Jan 16, 2016 06:26
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i am he posted:have you ever been in love Yes. |
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Jan 16, 2016 06:29
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Ace of Baes posted:how many people with alhzheimers or schizophrenia have tried to murder you and have u ever had to take the HIV cocktail? also are u an rn or bsn or what Lost count my first year. Never had to take it. I have had a contaminated needlestick exactly once-- I remember the pt, and I remember the horrible sensation of an insulin needle sinking into my finger-- and both I and the pt tested negative for any meaningful bullshit diseases. And officially I am Elise ________ RN BSN CCRN. That's a lot of alphabet salad. |
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Jan 16, 2016 06:31
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elise the great posted:I kissed the guy I was assigned to marry in our small highly religious town. We dated/were engaged for two and a half years. thats way more than me. congrats. |
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Jan 16, 2016 06:35
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alnilam posted:Hi elise welcome, i just wanted to say hi but i guess I'll ask what color are the scrubs at your hospital and do you ever get to wear fun print ones The scrubs at my hospital are blue, but a different blue from the blue scrubs I stole from my last hospital and unrepentantly wear to half my shifts (the other half I wear scrubs I stole from this hospital). A still earlier hospital I worked at required me to buy my own scrubs, and they had to be navy blue, so I got some Gray's Anatomy scrubs and wore them until they dissolved and I realized I prefer to wear baggy pantsacks with enough room to smuggle snacks under, taped to my legs like Rob Liefeld pockets. (Disclaimer: I do not actually tape snacks to my legs.) I would wear fun print ones if I weren't a lazy loving slob who likes wearing shapeless jammies to work, if I trusted myself to match my clothes to each other at 0515 every day, and if they made Dune-themed print tops. |
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Jan 16, 2016 06:37
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lots of talk goes on about things stuck in asses, but have you ever found anything weird stuck in any other holes?
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Jan 16, 2016 06:38
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joke_explainer posted:would you say healthcare workers are on average more fit or healthy that non-healthcare workers? I think the average falls slightly more toward "fit-ish" than the average population, mainly because while humongous nurses exist, it's hard to handle the long days of running around if your knees are poo poo. That said, our distribution is kinda average for the demographics you see in nursing. We have workout junkies, sofa warriors, broom people, and ravenous star-nosed shrews like myself. joke_explainer posted:how stressful would you say your job is? hahahahaAHAAAhahhaaaahahaAHAHAHAAAAAAAA /shakes uncontrollably |
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Jan 16, 2016 06:42
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Thingyman posted:i once had a nurse-in-training friend that told me how she got through caring for her burn patient was pretending that she was "sanding a table" when scrubbing his dead skin off. do you still do any mental tricks to get through the days or are just the grossest things completely normal now? My coping mechanism is writing about my job. It helps me access the things I've seen and anchor them to concepts that make sense in the larger context of the world. And it helps to focus on the power I have over these awful things, and my ability to relieve pain and help healing and ease the pain of death. Like, you know that one hosed-up comic about people climbing into holes in the cliff and getting squeezed into nightmarish noodle-people? I dealt with that by imagining what medical care and assisted living would look like for those people, and what physical therapy they would need to re-integrate into society. Smells are much worse. I deal with those by drinking gin. |
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Jan 16, 2016 06:46
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Qwerinty posted:have you ever seen a brain Several brains. They were all super cool. One was a sheep brain I dissected in Anatomy & Physiology. One was a dude's brain that was showing through a hole in his head. It looked vaguely greasy. Before all that I ate numerous breakfasts cooked by my Aunt Faye when I was a kid. Every once in a while she'd scramble up some eggs'n'brains. I think back then you could get pig brains in a can? That poo poo was, quite frankly, delicious. I would probably make them again except I think they're obscenely high in cholesterol. |
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Jan 16, 2016 06:48
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GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:don't eat blood, please blood is delicious, my friend makes duck blood soup that is off the charts |
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Jan 16, 2016 06:50
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GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:the grossest thing I can think of is acute vulvar myiasis. have you ever seen anything grosser? I don't know if it's grosser, but I've seen medical maggots eating a dude's scrotum and into his thigh after debridement for Fournier's gangrene. Rotten scrote + maggots + missing chunk of body = pretty gross. |
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Jan 16, 2016 06:51
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i am he posted:when i interned with a urologist i saw them cut a vaginal cyst open and it looked like mostly the stuff that came out was blood but i didnt think cysts were full of blood. what are vaginal cysts usually full of Pus, usually. Maybe gray, stringy slough. Sometimes thick, cheesy, yellowish sebous impaction. Was it brown, congealed blood-looking exudate? Or was it just bright red blood? |
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Jan 16, 2016 06:53
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thank you for coming and sharing. I read through most of the end of shift report thread when someone hear linked it over a year ago, and i couldnt stop reading until late in the morning. i dont have a question right now but thanks for that all this is fascinating
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Jan 16, 2016 06:56
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I remember it being pretty blood looking, as in red, but I could just have a messed up memory. |
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Jan 16, 2016 06:57
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