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Hobby novel I'm working on; looking for feedback on how engaging it is to read and my characters (always my weak point). I'll post an excerpt here and link to the rest on Google Docs. It's heavily in-progress so major parts of plot and characters may change, but I'll try to post summaries of changes when I make them. This is really the first time I've ever put my work out there for public consumption. Don't be gentle, I'd like an honest evaluation of merit. The tale, in short, follows two young adults in an adventure they don't necessarily want in order to escape execution for a crime that wasn't their fault. It is high fantasy set in a world where magic is known, but still rare and mysterious. The following is the start of the first chapter, right after a short prologue: He walked the alleys of Ammat quickly and confidently in the darkness. It wasn’t that he could see in the murky black of the lower city’s nights all that well; it was just that he made this trip every other day- he could do the entire thing without looking. Nevertheless, he moved quietly causing as little ruckus as possible; the night guards were pretty rough, especially in the lower city, and he didn’t want to draw any unnecessary attention. It was with caution that he peered around the corner of an alley when he spotted a light he didn’t recognize. To his chagrin, it was a torch and it was in the hands of a guard. He was just about to slink past hoping not to be noticed when he looked down to the end of the alley. Linella was there, crouched in the corner and shrinking back from the guard. Her dirty blond hair hung almost to her waist in the back, and as usual one wayward lock hung forward over her face. She looked up at the guard in fear, and Steele knew she was in trouble. He didn’t know what to do, though; the guards were dangerous and he had no idea what was going on so he waited and watched. The guard walked closer to Linella and grunted in an angry voice, “Steal MY coin purse, will ya? I’ll SHOW you not to steal from a guardsman” and began punctuating his words with kicks to the slim girl’s chest. At that point, Steele forgot about making a plan or trying to diffuse the situation. “HEY” he yelled right behind the guard. The man jumped and spun around quickly, rattling his heavy armor, and Steele caught a glimpse of a slightly guilty look on his face. When he saw Steele, however, it was replaced by one of derision. “Keep moving, gutter trash, this is none of your concern!” he barked sternly, and began to turn back to Linella. “It is, too, my concern,” Steele snapped boldly back, “she’s my friend, why are you hurting her?” “Because she helped some dirty runt steal from me, and no one steals from a guardsman!” he spat. Linella coughed softly and spoke in her gentle voice, “I did no such thing. I had nothing to do with that kid, I was just bringing food to some friends of ours.” The guard laughed darkly, “What do you take me for, a fool? I know how these cons work- one does the stealing, the other does the distracting. You were distracting me with your pretty smile while that dirty kid took my purse. You ran when you saw him do it, you know you’re guilty!” Linella glared back at him, unabashed, “I did not smile at you! You asked me where I was going and he just happened to steal from you! I only ran because I knew you’d think I was in on it.” She spoke boldly but Steele could see she was bleeding where the armored greaves had cut her chest and her hands were shaking. “Enough talk. I’m the guard here, I am the law. I saw what happened, and now you’re going to pay.” He looked back at Steele, “beat it, kid, unless you want in on this, too?” Steele took one step back while the guard turned to Linella, and then strode forward. He drew a short dagger and brandished it in front of him, visions of heroic knights from Bragg’s tales dancing in front of his eyes. “Leave her..." he said quietly, "ALONE," he screamed. The guard looked back with genuine amusement at the little dagger. Steele just got angrier and ran up to the guard, slicing the dagger back and forth wildly. The guard took two steps back until he was at the corner of the alley, then raised an armored fist to swat the boy to the ground. Steele had one more trick, though. He took a half step back and whipped the dagger forward, throwing it at the guard’s face. The guard were heavily trained military in all reality, though, and the man’s instincts were excellent. He darted his head back just in time and the dagger clattered against the wall harmlessly, but then a loud crack punctuated the relative silence of the night. The guard had slammed the back of his head into the wall when he shifted to avoid the dagger- quite forcibly. He wavered for a second and fell to the ground. Just as he did, Steele saw another guard jogging down the road- she must have heard him yell. Steele looked back down the road the other way, and saw it was clear. He could leave. But Linella would never make it in time. He let out a deep sigh, and sat down next to her. The other guard ran up and checked the one on the ground, then glared at Steele and began striding towards him. Steele piped up, “I’m sorry ma’am, it was an accident, he was...” The guard swung a massive fist down at Steele’s head, and the blow instantly rendered him unconscious. I emboldened the work to set it apart from my post, if anyone knows a better way let me know. Here's the link for the full work so far (not terribly far in, obviously) https://docs.google.com/document/d/15ab6nlTotvEBdy0syYJ8Wq7wOe635QPIUnSqtvMsUEg/edit?usp=sharing Feel free to make grammar or spelling comments on the doc if you find any (I have a weakness for comma splices, so you'll probably find some), though I'd prefer any major feedback be posted here for readability. If you've got something you'd like me to read over, I'm a better editor than I am a writer- please feel free to post a link. Cheers!
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Feb 21, 2016 18:48
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| # ? Apr 27, 2024 04:14 |
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Rathlord posted:He walked the alleys of Ammat quickly and confidently in the darkness. It wasn’t that he could see in the murky black of the lower city’s nights all that well; it was just that he made this trip every other day- he could do the entire thing without looking. Nevertheless, he moved quietly causing as little ruckus as possible; the night guards were pretty rough, especially in the lower city, and he didn’t want to draw any unnecessary attention. First things first: kill your prolog. I didn't read the whole thing on the gdoc, but I read enough to know that it's not doing you any favors. Just quickly establish who Linella is, (and you could probably do a better job than the one line in the prolog does doing that, for that matter.) Second thing: you need to name your protagonist earlier. Even in the context with the prolog, you need to reestablish who this is after a scene break. And the prolog has the same problem even more strongly. Third thing: semicolons in narrative prose are almost never the best choice. Rewriting the second sentence as a simple sentence and a compound sentence (getting rid of the useless 'it wasn't that/it was that' noise) is going to make it better. The one in the last sentence does nothing that a full stop doesn't do better either. quote:It was with caution that he peered around the corner of an alley when he spotted a light he didn’t recognize. To his chagrin, it was a torch and it was in the hands of a guard. He was just about to slink past hoping not to be noticed when he looked down to the end of the alley. Linella was there, crouched in the corner and shrinking back from the guard. Her dirty blond hair hung almost to her waist in the back, and as usual one wayward lock hung forward over her face. quote:
SHOW is a weird word for this guy to emphasize. quote:At that point, Steele forgot about making a plan or trying to diffuse the situation. “HEY” he yelled right behind the guard. The man jumped and spun around quickly, rattling his heavy armor, and Steele caught a glimpse of a slightly guilty look on his face. When he saw Steele, however, it was replaced by one of derision. quote:
"I am the law" is probably an anachronistic attitude for this kind of setting, at least as something someone would say out loud. quote:
quote:Just as he did, Steele saw another guard jogging down the road- she must have heard him yell. Steele looked back down the road the other way, and saw it was clear. He could leave. But Linella would never make it in time. He let out a deep sigh, and sat down next to her. The first guard seems a little too rapey (At least I can't see any other reason why he's willing to let half of what he thinks is a pickpocketing team, particularly the one he thinks has his money, run free) to be serving in a gender-integrated guard force... I don't think you've done enough to establish the characters, especially Lianna's. Is this guard now dead? Him dying from a critical failure to dodge an attack from your protagonist really doesn't work as 'not his fault', seems like trying to have it both ways with 'it was justified' and 'it wasn't techincally him that did it' in a way that's not going to make for satisfying fiction.
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Mar 3, 2016 01:56
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