Khazar-khum posted:

Gems

Panfilo posted:

I don't want to be all 'kids these days' but I can't help but wonder if a generation that grew up on participation trophies is especially prone to milking praise on Tumblr over the most mundane thing. They'll share a story of how they stood up for themselves or something and everybody is tripping over themselves on how awesome they are. Like they would have the guts to remind the MacDonald's employee they didn't want pickles in their Big Mac

kimbo305 posted:

"I had long ago heard the myth that if you lick the cream side of an Oreo, and stick it to a car, the paint will come off with it when the cookie comes off.
Now, I cant verify the truth of that myth, becuase I wasn't really given the chance to."

But he got the truck back later? It's a weird detail to throw in because of that.

Christo posted:

I love how much the doctor screws with him in his story.

"I'm sorry, sir. With your condition survival is unlikely."
"It's worse than we thought. You have 24 hours to live."
"Oh actually looks like we were wrong! You're going to be fine. False alarm!"
"No, wait, forgot to carry the one. You're still hosed. You've got like until morning, tops."

SerialKilldeer posted:

That part reminded me of a forum drama I heard about years ago, probably through the now defunct Fandom_Wank. Some girl who was apparently a big-name-fan claimed she was dying of a disease so rare that it didn't even have a name, and at one point her "sister" (rather obviously the pseuicide poster herself) claimed that the doctor had calculated that this patient with the ultra-rare nameless disease had exactly one hour to live. And the poor sad girl was watching the minutes tick away and not wanting to live anymore because no one on the forum believed her... At least no one demanded photos of feet.

Didn't a bunch of similar drama occur on Tumblr just last year, too? I think a bunch of people claimed they'd attempted suicide over anonymous hate, and then tried to dismiss these posts as the work of hackers.

Scathach posted:

Hahaha what! That's like saying "this book is unsafe." These people must just die when faced with history or art class.

RareAcumen posted:

Khazar-khum posted:

Movie

Stroop There It Is posted:

It's not a BJ, they're supposedly boning down, which is considerably less believable

Scathach posted:

https://www.yahoo.com/beauty/happened-teenage-manny-dropped-infant-160000343.html

A teenaged "manny." I really hope this is STDH.

hyperhazard posted:

That whole article is gold.


Real dialogue spoken by real people.

Verisimilidude posted:

Khazar-khum posted:

This troper's acting class (which basically consists of the best actors in the school and three or four kids doing it just for credit) was doing a unit on musical theatre, and one of the girls brought in the soundtrack for Wicked that she was using for her song. After the first batch of students finished up and we started to put the classroom back in order, for the last 10 minutes or so she played the CD. It ended with about ten people all singing along to "Popular", with this troper dancing by the singers with a hat he was taking back to the costume closet. He finished off the song himself with the final note, which he decided to sustain long after everyone else stopped.
Said acting class also took a field trip to see a production of Kiss Me, Kate at the theatre near the Orlando Science Center. On the bus ride there, we got at least half the bus to start singing along to various songs by N*Sync and the Backstreet Boys.

Watermelon Daiquiri posted:

Oh I'm well aware, trust me lol. I'm just saying it looks to me to be a little too 'set up'.

Christo posted:

I don't know much about guns or hunting but shouldn't all his "self defense" rounds be bird shot? In what situation would an attacker be so unphased by a non-lethal gunshot that higher firepower is needed? Is he expecting the Terminator to come after him or something?

Atmus posted:

It's a 'logical' idea, the assumption being that if what you used first didn't work, use something bigger, and kinda sorta works if you are in the wilderness. It's also wrong, in that at that range the only real difference between the loads listed is what happens to whatever or whoever is behind the guy, which is a pretty important factor that our hero has failed to consider.

Also as impressive as shotgun related wounds can be, it's extremely unlikely that it would actually result in decapitation/complete cranial destruction.

Samfucius posted:

In scared gun owner land, there are lots of hulking PCP-using monstrosities roaming the land.

mostlygray posted:

Bird, Buck, Slug, Slug, Slug.

A light peppering to scare you off, a good shot to put you down, and then "3 three in the head, make sure your dead."

Baba Yaga Fanboy posted:

Black people. That's serious.

quote:

Summary: Morbidly obese, 27-year-old virgin fucks 10 beautiful women and has a threesome.

To start, this post will be useless to most of you. If you are an attractive male, then this isn't for you. If, however, you are sexually marginalized for whatever reason (physical or mental), this story might shed some light on a possible strategy.

Let's get this out of the way- I weigh 300 lbs. I know how you guys feel about that, believe me. If you want to rake me over the coals for being such a fat rear end, I totally understand and I deserve it; I will not attempt to defend or excuse myself. However, the purpose of this place is to discuss "men's identity, sexual strategy, and options in the context of our current global culture for the benefit of men." For me, that meant exercising a sexual strategy that most would consider immoral and well outside the acceptable cultural norms.

I felt helpless and hopeless as a 27 year old virgin. That is a long time to go without female intimacy. I had a lot of self-loathing and disgust with myself, I constantly felt worthless and like a total failure. I tried (and failed) to lose weight many, many times. I always ended up fatter and lonelier than ever.

I'm not here to discuss why I failed to lose weight. You can chalk it up to a lack of discipline, a flaw in my character, binge eating disorder, my failure as a human, or whatever else you like. I won't argue against you- I accept total responsibility for my obesity and as I said I will not defend it. The point is, for whatever the reason, I found myself extremely fat and extremely frustrated.

I had always figured that eventually I would lose the weight, gain some confidence, and get a girlfriend. But as the years went by, and it started looking less and less likely, I became more and more frustrated. Should I expect to never experience sex, since I am obviously unable or unwilling to lose weight? Will I go my entire life without being physically intimate with a woman?

Eventually, about six months ago and at the age of 27, I decided that I wasn't going to "wait" any longer and I was going to do something about it.

I live in California, so I decided that my best bet would be to head down to Tijuana. Some research indicated that the Hong Kong strip club would be a good place to meet some lovely women and lose my virginity. I am pretty anxious by nature and averse to risk, so it sounded sketchy at first. My best friend of many years agreed to be my wingman. Eventually, we mustered the courage and drove down to the border, parked the car in a lot, and crossed by foot into Mexico. We got into a taxi and had the driver take us straight to Hong Kong.

Hong Kong stripclub: http://www.hktijuana.com/

We checked into our room, which was a penthouse suite in the hotel that sits on top of the stripclub.

Hotel Cascadas Penthouse Suite: http://hotelcascadas.com/rooms/penthouse-suite-room-2

When I had reserved the room, I had emailed them and negotiated a discount ($300/ night for Penthouse 1). Mind you this was for Friday and Saturday, which are a little more expensive. When we checked in, they gave us a free upgrade to the Penthouse Suite 2 since they had double booked the other Penthouse. So it cost us $150 each per night and we each got our own room.

The way this place normally works is, you don’t need to be staying at the hotel. You usually go down to the stripclub (which was amazing by the way) and if a girl catches your eye, you negotiate prices with her (standard rate is $80/ 30 min, and usually only includes one nut). Then you take her upstairs, and rent a small room for the 30 min. (not sure how much this costs, I think it’s pretty cheap).

However, I didn’t want to do it this way. First of all, I was very worried that I would come quickly (which I did) and I wanted a longer session where I would get to nut twice. Secondly, I wanted to have the comfort of being in my own room. I didn’t want some guy to come knocking on the door telling me time is up, and I was hoping to shower with her first.

Anyways, we get there and it is awesome. Awesome room, very clean and comfortable. Awesome club, TONS of women. Beautiful women, especially if you like latinas with a nice rear end. Right off the bat, there is a tall blonde, all natural, with big nipples dancing on the stage. My buddy and I walk around the club, and return to find that the girl is gone to some other corner. We get some drinks and start scoping out who looks hot. I want the blonde, but can’t see her. Several women approach us, and we turn them away. Eventually my buddy gets up to look for the one that had caught my eye, and he finds her and brings her over. Her English isn’t great, but I ask her for a lapdance. I think I paid $20 for two songs, and she had her top off and I was sucking on her big nipples. Song ends, but I am ready to go. I ask her for 1 hour, and she quotes me $140. I agree, and we go up to my room.

Now, I am a bit of a germ freak. I’m still worried about STD’s and I don’t want to risk anything. I am also completely inexperienced. I never kissed any of these women on the mouth. When we get to my room, she is impressed that I have my own room and I don’t think she’d ever seen the Penthouse Suite. I ask if she wants to shower with me, and she is happy to. We shower and then she gives me a blowjob with condom on. It was my first blowjob, and it was delightful. I looked down and couldn’t believe that such an attractive woman (extremely hot body) was sucking my dick. I came in about 40 seconds. Lucky for me, I had plenty of time on the clock and lots of condoms. So I put on a new one, still rock hard, and she blew me some more, and then we hosed. Cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, doggy, missionary. I found it to be kind of difficult, actually, because of how fat I am. A lot of positions were awkward because of my fat, but she was great about positioning herself for the best possible result. I was too much in my head, but I would stop and just be amazed that this was actually happening. We hosed for about 40 minutes, and then she sucked me to completion. We showered and I gave her a big tip and walked her downstairs back to the club where my friend was waiting. First experience: 10/10

Over the course of the next two days, I hosed a total of 5 women. Some of them were unenthusiastic and just trying to get me to come as fast as possible so they could get on their way. Some were great, and I enjoyed loving one in the shower, the bed, and the bubble bath I prepared in the hot tub. I had put some beers in the mini fridge, so we drank beers in the hot tub while I recovered my strength, and then started all over again. Sunday morning we packed our poo poo, took a taxi to the border, and returned to our car. I was in a twilight zone. Three days ago, I had never been naked with a woman. Now I had hosed five women, each one hotter than I ever imagined I would be with. By some miracle of life, I had been able to watch a beautiful young woman twerking on my dick. A woman who I would have been scared to even talk to, let alone hook up with. I felt like I had discovered cheat codes for life!

After losing my virginity, I was pretty happy. I went about six months before the desire to go back down there became too strong to ignore. However, my friend had a girlfriend and would not be joining me. That means that I would need the courage to make the trip solo. Last week, that is exactly what I did. This time, I reserved a Master Suite for two nights.

Right off the bat, I found a gorgeous young woman who agreed to 1 hour for $110 (it was Monday, so prices were lower). She blew me and we went to the hot tub. After a while, we went to the bed for sex. This time around, I was MUCH more relaxed. I also lasted alot longer, and I was able to get out of my head and really enjoy the experience. She had started licking my shaft without a condom and I stopped her to put one on (I probably shouldn’t have, but I’m still scared of STD’s and I don’t want to become accustomed to no-condom blowjobs, since I already enjoy covered blowjobs just fine and most of them won’t do it without a condom). Anyways, after loving her she invited me to take off the condom and come all over her tits, which I happily did.

So, things had gotten off to a great start. I didn’t think things could get any better, but they did. Later that night, I took a gorgeous blonde with an amazing body (named Barbie) up to my room for an hour ($140). She took her time and gave me great head, and we sat in the hot tub drinking beers. She starts talking to me about how important it is to be positive and encouraging me not to let my weight hold me back. What is this Dr. Phil? We are so relaxed, almost the whole hour has passed. When we get to the bed, she starts massaging me. And this is a legit massage- she does my arms and legs and feet and hands. It was such a surreal experience, having this gorgeous woman naked in my bed, massaging me. We have sex, and it is the best sex I’ve ever had. I prefer just laying back and having the woman ride me, and that’s exactly what she did, in several different positions. I just propped up my head with some pillows and let her go at it. She definitely knew what she was doing, and it was a beautiful experience. By the time we shower, it has been well over two hours. And she never once mentioned the time or money. That is exactly the type of relaxed session I enjoy, so I gave her a very big tip.

The next day, I had sex with two more women. Then, late that night, I hit the club for the last time. I run into Barbie, and sit with her and a beer. She starts massaging my scalp while I rub her rear end and breasts. A lot of beautiful women all around. One in particular stands out- a tall, beautiful brunette with an rear end that is literally as nice as any other I’ve seen. I wave her over and get her a drink. She only slightly knows Barbie, but they get along fine, and she is very sweet. I invite her up for an hour and she agrees. I walk out of the club with my arms each wrapped around a beautiful babe, as I’m leaving a nearby table of guys give me a cheer and applause haha.

I take the girls up and have the greatest experience of my life. I cannot describe the feeling of fulfilling a fantasy with such attractive women. I am the biggest loser that I know, and yet I would not trade positions with ANY of my friends who have girlfriends. There is something about having two bombshells taking turns riding me that has permanently altered my mindset. And the ladies were super cool and friendly, just dedicated to making it a great memory for me. First threesome: 10/10
The next day I returned to the border, balls and wallet both utterly drained. That was a week ago, but I cannot for the life of me stop smiling. I have this stupid silly grin on my face. I can’t get over how blessed I am, and how happy I am to be a man alive today. It is a beautiful life.
Lessons Learned:

You do not have to be attractive to have sex with beautiful women. If you are very fat or disfigured, there is still hope for you!
Yes, I know 100% that I need to keep lifting and stop overeating and lose the weight (for MANY more reasons than just pussy). In the meantime, I implemented a sexual strategy and it gave me a wonderful experience.
Spending cash on pussy is expensive, but I paid a lot less than Leonardo DiCaprio did haha!

moosecow333 posted:

I'm confused, is this guy actually proud of the fact that he paid well over a thousand dollars for sex?

Even if this story is made up, why lie about the fact you had to pay someone for sex?

quote:

loving good for you man, it's your birthright. Nobody gives a poo poo how fat or ugly you are, especially women - if you can afford them. And you ALWAYS pay for pussy, in some form, some way. No exceptions.

Now you just gotta be a little careful and watch for the resurgence of that blue pill brainwashing, which may start making you think you met "the love of your life" and you're going to marry the stripper ho, and give her a good life with you.

Rondette posted:

For some reason that line really stood out for me, LITERALLY.

TheKennedys posted:

I've never figured out if that's a sign of autism or just people being consummate oneuppers. I've had a couple of friends that just cannot stop telling "badass" stories about their life but from what I know of their life they haven't had nearly enough time or resources to be all the amazing things they claim. Both of them have been the awful oneupper that nobody wants to be friends with, but both also showed signs of being about everything else as well. It may be connected.

Nuclear War posted:

What killed him? Was it you?

Ryoshi posted:

Wanting to be intimate with your wife = being a rapist, you heard it here first folks!

Dude's an rear end in a top hat sure but Thin Privilege is a goddamn moron.

Khazar-khum posted:

Tool

Geniasis posted:

Yeah, is that supposed to be a common thing? Because it sounds serial killer-y

Pththya-lyi posted:

They both shrugged in skeptical agreement, looking as if they had stumbled upon a bit of street magic that intrigued them, but might also turn them gay.

goose fleet posted: