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to assert my intelligence, or failing that dominance. i realize it is unrealistic to win if the game is played to completion anyway, this is what we're working with; i know the names of all the pieces, which ones are lords and which ones are ladies etc etc if i'm black i can just mirror what he does for the first few hundred moves or so & if i'm white, a good opener is moving the peasant in front of the king 2 spaces forward, after which i can offer a "remis", which is what a draw is called in chess. the rule "én passant" is french and means "in passing". i don't know the actual rule & will not be able to learn it, but i know a piece of interesting trivia about a Jack-the-Ripper-esque serial killer who kidnapped prostitutes and forced them to play chess against him, who eventually turned himself in when he realized that the "én passant" rule was actually for real and he had killed several prostitutes because of his poor understanding of- and refusal to believe in the existence of this basic chess rule, dismissing the prostitutes claims as desperate and nonsensical |
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Sep 25, 2016 16:07
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 04:05 |
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Mirror their moves exactly. |
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Sep 25, 2016 16:46
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Don't forget how easy it is to knock over the pieces, the bigger ones especially are top heavy
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Sep 25, 2016 16:54
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You could always hit him with a mallet. |
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Sep 25, 2016 17:08
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E Equals MC Hammer posted:You could always hit him with a mallet. Counter your opponent's every move by abruptly standing up and screaming the words, "COME AT ME, BRO!" in Elvish tul a ie' amin bro https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Sep 25, 2016 17:21
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Splatmaster posted:Don't forget how easy it is to knock over the pieces, the bigger ones especially are top heavy
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Sep 25, 2016 17:43
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all you need to know right here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evZmpsl3jI0 ☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭ |
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Sep 25, 2016 17:46
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just move randomly back and sometimes undo your moves and every time he goes just laugh and say "of course you would" |
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Sep 25, 2016 17:47
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instead of moving pieces on your turn just keep passing |
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Sep 25, 2016 18:07
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move all the pawns in a little circle like their having a party and ask the other guy if he wants to join in
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Sep 25, 2016 18:11
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when he makes a complicated move, ask him "what size pants do you wear?" he'll be too busy trying to figure out your ulterior motives and his head might explode ---------------- |
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Sep 25, 2016 18:16
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flerp posted:move all the pawns in a little circle like their having a party and ask the other guy if he wants to join in if you're going to lose, move all your pawns in one turn and call revolution |
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Sep 25, 2016 18:24
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Easy. First throw away every computer in the house, into a rented dumpster outside, make sure they are all visibly destroyed including cell phones. lnvite over a chess grandmaster and receive them in the study; put your opponent in the den, or wherever you can be sure they won't run into each other. Get the game started with your opponent and make sure he goes first. Then say "Oh dear, excuse me, bathroom emergency." and go to the other room with the grandmaster. Now start your game with him or her, and do precisely whatever your opponent did. Note down his counter move and excuse yourself for another bathroom emergency. Now use whatever move the grandmaster used on your opponent's move against him. Once he loves again, feign more digestive problems and repeat. Just explain that you have IBS. You'll most likely win. If they accuse you of cheating, point out that all your computers are destroyed and you couldn't possibly be cheating, and accuse them of discriminating against you for your IBS. There's no way they can prove that you cheated. |
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Sep 25, 2016 18:29
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move your pieces so they form the shape of a dong
☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭ |
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Sep 25, 2016 18:58
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i'm glad that people are trying to help, but i feel that most of the solutions offered hinges on the assumption that i get to play white, or that i'm friends with chess grand masters and can just hang out with one whenever i want. not saying anyone is intentionally trying to make me feel bad & if you get to play as white every time & hang out with grandmasters then i'm happy for you, but that's not me.
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Sep 25, 2016 19:06
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Here is how to win in 2 moves and HUMILIATE your opponent, possibly causing them to kill themselves in shame. 
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Sep 25, 2016 19:21
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sneak a look at a chess engine on your phone, like a real competitive player would |
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Sep 25, 2016 19:27
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joke_explainer posted:Easy. First throw away every computer in the house, into a rented dumpster outside, make sure they are all visibly destroyed including cell phones. lnvite over a chess grandmaster and receive them in the study; put your opponent in the den, or wherever you can be sure they won't run into each other. Get the game started with your opponent and make sure he goes first.
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Sep 25, 2016 19:28
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Grandmother of Five posted:i'm glad that people are trying to help, but i feel that most of the solutions offered hinges on the assumption that i get to play white, or that i'm friends with chess grand masters and can just hang out with one whenever i want. not saying anyone is intentionally trying to make me feel bad & if you get to play as white every time & hang out with grandmasters then i'm happy for you, but that's not me. maybe just do your best and play and have fun and if you lose be thankful for gaining an opportunity to learn and build your skills? 
☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭ |
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Sep 25, 2016 19:57
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You should do that move where the king and the castle guy get to sort of switch places but not exactly. That move is the move that always beats me I think the move is called "The King goes to the castle." It's a secret move and it doesn't really seem fair that smart chess guys get to do secret moves on beginners. Splatmaster posted:
Is this for reals because that's neat Dogmeat fucked around with this message at 20:05 on Sep 25, 2016
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Sep 25, 2016 19:56
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Donate! To RAINN!
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Everything I know about chess I learned from this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZV1bpMamCtY you're welcome op |
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Sep 25, 2016 20:15
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PEPSI for TV-GAME
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social vegan posted:instead of moving pieces on your turn just keep passing This is a pro strat. He'll assume you're up to something big, have all your pieces in place and ready and are just biding your time. He'll start to sweat, first a couple droplets and then rivulets of sweat out of his brow, unable to contain his anxiety with a mere handkerchief. He'll start to screw up and if you keep up the act and look incredibly self-assured, he'll probably checkmate himself by accident. |
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Sep 25, 2016 20:30
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joke_explainer posted:This is a pro strat. He'll assume you're up to something big, have all your pieces in place and ready and are just biding your time. He'll start to sweat, first a couple droplets and then rivulets of sweat out of his brow, unable to contain his anxiety with a mere handkerchief. He'll start to screw up and if you keep up the act and look incredibly self-assured, he'll probably checkmate himself by accident. if you don't move any of the pieces you've already connected four |
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Sep 25, 2016 20:57
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Here's some pro chess play. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZV1bpMamCtY
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Sep 25, 2016 21:05
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Are you playing him face to face or online? If you're playing online, the solution is really easy. Just open another chess program and play against a super hard AI. Whenever he makes a move, duplicate it in your game against the AI, then use the AI's move against you against him. ---------------- |
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Sep 25, 2016 21:14
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Applewhite posted:Are you playing him face to face or online? You can do this in person too, if you have a phone or laptop.
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Sep 25, 2016 21:16
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try to defeat their battleships, OP |
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Sep 25, 2016 21:18
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Tiberius Thyben posted:You can do this in person too, if you have a phone or laptop. I guess but you'd have to be pretty slick for it not to be obvious. ---------------- |
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Sep 25, 2016 21:18
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does anyone else feel super smart when the computer has to think a really long time after you make a move in computer chess? because I sure do.
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Sep 25, 2016 21:21
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Dogmeat posted:does anyone else feel super smart when the computer has to think a really long time after you make a move in computer chess? because I sure do. That's why I exclusively play Battle Chess because the computer has to think super long no matter what move I make and sometimes the game freezes if I make a really good one. ---------------- |
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Sep 25, 2016 21:22
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Applewhite posted:I guess but you'd have to be pretty slick for it not to be obvious. If he refuses to play you or quits, he forfeits and you win! He might also appreciate your lateral thinking.
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Sep 25, 2016 21:25
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Applewhite posted:That's why I exclusively play Battle Chess because the computer has to think super long no matter what move I make and sometimes the game freezes if I make a really good one. lol |
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Sep 25, 2016 21:28
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i feel it is time for some extra info that should perhaps have been part of the OP 1 people keep saying him/his, but my opponent is a woman. i didn't mention this earlier because i didn't want people to get weird & i don't think it matters. i'll almost certainly be wearing a cuter outfit than she is 2 i should have been clearer in the OP with this; i'm fine with distractions or trying to sabotage the game, but i do not want to break any of the rules of chess.an arbitrary distinction to some, but we all have our moral compasses & i feel that having agreed to a game, i should respect the rules of the game itself. Pawn 17 posted:Here is how to win in 2 moves and HUMILIATE your opponent, possibly causing them to kill themselves in shame. wow. can't belive i was worried about playing as black. Dogmeat posted:does anyone else feel super smart when the computer has to think a really long time after you make a move in computer chess? because I sure do. i haven't played chess in a long time, but in a similar vein, i borrowed Pinball Arcade from the library and when the ball occasionally gets stuck because of the realistic physics and i bring up the menu and select the "Call Attendant" button, who then says the ball isn't stuck, then in feel smarter than the Pinball Arcade attendant
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Sep 25, 2016 21:30
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Grandmother of Five posted:i haven't played chess in a long time, but in a similar vein, i borrowed Pinball Arcade from the library and when the ball occasionally gets stuck because of the realistic physics and i bring up the menu and select the "Call Attendant" button, who then says the ball isn't stuck, then in feel smarter than the Pinball Arcade attendant
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Sep 25, 2016 21:33
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try to subtly suggest she move her pawns like in that two move check without making it too obvious, like 'man it sure is nice when you get that strong opening with f2 and g2 pawns to f4 and g4, really opens up a lot of strategy' |
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Sep 25, 2016 21:54
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I already PMed this to the OP but in case anyone else wants to know some good strategies: I am sorry to inform you that mirroring your opponent's moves will not work, since a canny opponent will move one of his pieces into a position from which, once you reciprocate, he can capture the piece you have just moved. This will create an imbalance, forcing you to abandon your strategy. The best way to play black is as follows: carry a can of black spray paint with you and aim it at the White pieces, thus converting them to your side. This is a perfectly legal move in chess; however, it is considered a form of assault in almost every country on Earth, so your best bet is to make sure that the game is played in international waters or North Korea. As Sun Tzu so famously observed, most battles are won before they are fought by the side which creates a positional advantage. This is where the real "game" of chess takes place: in sending your opponent on an all-expenses-paid promotional vacation aboard a cruise ship. Good luck. ---------------- |
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Sep 27, 2016 01:01
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Grandmother of Five posted:i'm glad that people are trying to help, but i feel that most of the solutions offered hinges on the assumption that i get to play white, or that i'm friends with chess grand masters and can just hang out with one whenever i want. not saying anyone is intentionally trying to make me feel bad & if you get to play as white every time & hang out with grandmasters then i'm happy for you, but that's not me. I feel you about not wanting to hang out with chess grand Masters. Some people take the grand Master lifestyle to ridiculous extremes. I saw an SUV yesterday with a window decal with stick figures representing a man, a woman, and four chess grand Masters. Not even one child. Wtf. Personally i have found that the best chess companions are death row inmates, and the best strategy is to stall until their appeals are up. It's easier to do this if you play black because you go second which means you can start stalling immediately. Just a little #chesshack for you. ---------------- |
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Sep 27, 2016 01:02
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Grandmother of Five posted:to assert my intelligence, or failing that dominance. i realize it is unrealistic to win if the game is played to completion anyway, this is what we're working with; Find someone else who is a super chess genius and play opposite colours and copy the moves so they are playing against each other by proxy. You will probably have to have what is known in the biz as steamed ham swiftness. Good luck
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Sep 28, 2016 00:51
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Dogmeat posted:You should do that move where the king and the castle guy get to sort of switch places but not exactly. That move is the move that always beats me I think the move is called "The King goes to the castle." Yes. https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Sep 28, 2016 01:24
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 04:05 |
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yeah I know all the chess cheat codes
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Sep 28, 2016 01:29
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