How to de-Goonify yourself in 30 minutes or less

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > How to de-Goonify yourself in 30 minutes or less

MiracleWhale: Jun 30, 2015

fake your death and reinvent yourself across the country with a more manly occupation like cowboy or homeless person begging for change

# ? Sep 29, 2016 19:33

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 10:33

Sperghetti: Apr 21, 2010

I usually just wash my butt and brush my teeth and I'm back to 100%

# ? Sep 29, 2016 19:39

BigBadSteve: Apr 29, 2009

Lay in bed until you can be bothered having a wank, then you have to get up to wipe your dick.

# ? Sep 29, 2016 20:03

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD: Jan 21, 2007

Drink a nice cup of coffee, do some stretches, go to the gym, take a shower, call your mom and ask her how it is going, hang up, praise allah, and then rail a fat line of colombian FARC dust

Depending on the order you do these they can be accomplished all in 30 minutes

# ? Sep 29, 2016 20:18

naem: May 29, 2011

reignofevil posted:

Go take a run OP. I've been doing it every day or so for a month now and I've almost got rid of my shameful dad-bod.

I jog and workout, I'm not like good at either but I'm now very mildly above average in fitness and it feels pretty good not going to lie.

My collection of marvel comic tshirts now look like a wacky ironic attractive person statement because they fit more good-ly

# ? Sep 29, 2016 20:32

CaptainSarcastic: Jul 6, 2013

I'm going to have to go with the previous posters who said take a shower. For me it is usually take a shower and also eat some solid food - remembering to eat can be a problem for me.

# ? Sep 29, 2016 21:04

Lord Frankenstyle: Dec 3, 2005; Mmmm,
You smell like Lysol Wipes.

There is no shame in giving up.

Throw down your crutches and crawl with pride!

# ? Sep 29, 2016 21:08

a bone to pick: Sep 14, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

CaptainSarcastic posted:

I'm going to have to go with the previous posters who said take a shower. For me it is usually take a shower and also eat some solid food - remembering to eat can be a problem for me.

Another important step is remembering to poop.

# ? Sep 29, 2016 21:11

ElectricSheep: Jan 14, 2006; she had tiny Italian boobs.
Well that's my story.

extra stout posted:

I live in the section 8 housing building on West 81st street. My name is extra stout. I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a ham sandwich diet and a rigorous gaming routine. In the morning, if my face is a little greasy I'll lay paper towels on it while I browse my Steam game collection. I have a thousand now. After I remove the paper towels I use a generic masturbation lotion. I always use a lotion with little to no alcohol, because alcohol dries your cock out and makes it look even more stubby and cracked. I then insert an herb mint vape juice, which I suck on for 10 minutes while I browse my Steam games. I always play PC games instead of console kiddy poo poo, because PC gaming makes you look older. I play Witcher 3, then Quake II, followed by an hour of Ultima VII. There is an idea of an extra stout, some kind of a Eggman, but there is no real me. Only an e/ntity, something loser-y. And though I can hide my round face, and you can shake my hand and feel sweaty hams gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our game collections are probably comparable, I simply am not there.

I'm posting that gif where Captain America says he gets that reference

# ? Sep 29, 2016 21:49

thathonkey: Jul 17, 2012

go on the road

# ? Sep 29, 2016 21:51

a bone to pick: Sep 14, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

thathonkey posted:

go on the road

ok I'm in the middle of the road, what now?

# ? Sep 29, 2016 21:57

numberoneposter: Feb 19, 2014; How much do I cum? The answer might surprise you!

a bone to pick posted:

ok I'm in the middle of the road, what now?

GET OUT OF THE ROAD UR GONNA GET KILLED!!!

# ? Sep 29, 2016 21:58

CaptainSarcastic: Jul 6, 2013

a bone to pick posted:

Another important step is remembering to poop.

I set an alarm on my phone for this.

# ? Sep 29, 2016 22:01

a bone to pick: Sep 14, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

numberoneposter posted:

GET OUT OF THE ROAD UR GONNA GET KILLED!!!

gently caress! Too late!!
\

# ? Sep 29, 2016 22:03

Mr. F!: Sep 21, 2016

glowing-fish posted:

We all know this feeling:

You wake up on a day when you don't have to work or go to school. You had good intentions last night of how fun your day off would be. You start with a leisurely day off, make some tea/coffee, eat a snack, and go on the internet to check out what is going on. That's fun.

Uh oh. You look at the clock, and somehow it is 11 AM. You get the feeling that if you don't do something soon, the next time you look at the clock, its going to be 5 PM, and you just spent your entire day in your pajamas boredly clicking between links on the internet. The tipping point is soon. What do you do to switch from being a sweaty, slobby, useless goon and a productive, creative member of society?

Its Noon local time, and I did a simple thing to get my day back on track: I ate a carrot. Eating a food that is not part of the cookie group, made me feel like less of a slob. Then, I "researched" jobs online. This consisted of going to some websites to see if places were hiring. Not super intensive, but it made me feel better than just hitting refresh on 538. Next I am going to go upstairs and do some dishes.

What is your quick turnaround routine to get yourself going when you are starting to feel lazy and slobby?

WHY THE gently caress ARE YOU GOING upstairs TO DO THE DISHES?

THE gently caress IS wrong WITH YOUR HOUSE? EVERYONE KNOWS kitchens GO DOWNSTAIRS

# ? Sep 29, 2016 22:15

a bone to pick: Sep 14, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

hmmm, something smells like dare in here.

# ? Sep 29, 2016 22:19

The Laughing Man: Sep 21, 2016; by WE B Boo-ourgeois

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Sep 29, 2016 22:19

numberoneposter: Feb 19, 2014; How much do I cum? The answer might surprise you!

everyone knows the dishes are in the basement :rolleyes:

# ? Sep 29, 2016 22:19

extra stout: Feb 24, 2005; ISILDUR's ERR

Commie NedFlanders posted:

as soon as you wake up go outside and do some yoga, i recommend a sun salutation, then sit for 30 minutes of mindfulness meditation. afterwards you are like this:

In the future even our meditation will be fluid

Blue Raider posted:

this post was way too much trouble but hell, i appreciate it

I appreciate you, and I refuse (alex jones yelling voice) I REFUSE to de-goonify myself and lose association with my comrades

# ? Sep 30, 2016 00:10

Ork of Fiction: Jul 22, 2013

>inventory

# ? Sep 30, 2016 00:23

gimme the GOD DAMN candy: Jul 1, 2007

stay in bed and let the tears flow

# ? Sep 30, 2016 00:32

glowing-fish: Feb 18, 2013; Keep grinding,
I hope you level up!

Mg4 posted:

WHY THE gently caress ARE YOU GOING upstairs TO DO THE DISHES?

THE gently caress IS wrong WITH YOUR HOUSE? EVERYONE KNOWS kitchens GO DOWNSTAIRS

Simple answer: I don't live in the US

# ? Sep 30, 2016 01:01

Hell Yeah: Dec 25, 2012

there is no way to de-goonify yourself. when you are sitting in a shirt you've been wearing for 3 days in front of the computer, and there's mustard stains on the shirt, and you have to poop but you really don't feel like getting up, this is an impossible situation to undo. i mean obviously if you are eating a cold hot dog off of a piece of cheap white bread, and you're standing in a puddle in your kitchen with like pieces of food and dead bugs in it, and your garbage can is overflowing next to you, if you've gotten yourself into this situation, then you're the type of person that will never get yourself out.

# ? Sep 30, 2016 02:04

scuba school sucks: Aug 30, 2012; The brilliance of my posting illuminates the forums like a jar of shining gold when all around is dark

Post a new topic with one of them tags only the mods are allowed to use. 30 minutes or less guaranteed.

*shakes head*
fuckin scrublords

# ? Sep 30, 2016 02:09

Carmant: Nov 23, 2015; Treadmill? What's that? Is that some kind of cake?

It's so easy to not be a goon with these simple steps, that any nerd can do

Step 1. Take a dang shower dummy
Step 2. Cut your hair, dingus!
Step 3. Get some plastic surgery ya ugly bastard
STep 4. Years of expensive therapy and drugs to make you tolerable but not particularly likable

# ? Sep 30, 2016 02:15

Bilirubin: Feb 16, 2014; The sanctioned action is to CHUG

De-goonify yourself and face the shitpost

# ? Sep 30, 2016 02:25

Masturbasturd: Sep 1, 2014

Disengoonification is a very painful and personal experience

# ? Sep 30, 2016 02:32

SirEvelynTremble: Dec 25, 2013; FUCK YOU HITLER
STALINGRAD
ROFLMFAO

getting raped by a giant mallard stopped me from visiting this forum for several weeks

# ? Sep 30, 2016 02:34

Blue Raider: Sep 2, 2006

glowing-fish posted:

Simple answer: I don't live in the US

having the kitchen on the bottom floor is pretty universal

# ? Sep 30, 2016 02:47

glowing-fish: Feb 18, 2013; Keep grinding,
I hope you level up!

Real observation:

Here in the brave world of GBS 3, I was posting this topic to have a light-hearted, but serious look at the ways we motivate ourselves to accomplish more.

A lot of the responses seemed to be about "haha, pizza boxes, mom's basement, never shower, lol". Am I the only one who thinks those jokes are no longer funny?

# ? Sep 30, 2016 02:50

Mr. F!: Sep 21, 2016

glowing-fish posted:

Real observation:

Here in the brave world of GBS 3, I was posting this topic to have a light-hearted, but serious look at the ways we motivate ourselves to accomplish more.

A lot of the responses seemed to be about "haha, pizza boxes, mom's basement, never shower, lol". Am I the only one who thinks those jokes are no longer funny?

YOU ARE the FUNNY ONE ATTIC-KITCHEN man

# ? Sep 30, 2016 02:52

Ork of Fiction: Jul 22, 2013

glowing-fish posted:

Real observation:

Here in the brave world of GBS 3, I was posting this topic to have a light-hearted, but serious look at the ways we motivate ourselves to accomplish more.

A lot of the responses seemed to be about "haha, pizza boxes, mom's basement, never shower, lol". Am I the only one who thinks those jokes are no longer funny?

No, but it's imprudent to throw out old jokes when you still haven't bought new ones to replace them.

# ? Sep 30, 2016 03:18

Basch lives!: May 31, 2011; Grimy Drawer; Dinosaur Gum

Talk and joke around with the wife. It isn't very orthodox-goon to have one of those, but it breaks me out from being a slobby piece of poo poo.

# ? Sep 30, 2016 03:20

scuba school sucks: Aug 30, 2012; The brilliance of my posting illuminates the forums like a jar of shining gold when all around is dark

glowing-fish posted:

Real observation:

Here in the brave world of GBS 3, I was posting this topic to have a light-hearted, but serious look at the ways we motivate ourselves to accomplish more.

A lot of the responses seemed to be about "haha, pizza boxes, mom's basement, never shower, lol". Am I the only one who thinks those jokes are no longer funny?

*Karl Urban monotone*

Admirable.

# ? Sep 30, 2016 03:35

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD: Jan 21, 2007

The Laughing Man posted:

whats up dare

# ? Sep 30, 2016 03:42

glowing-fish: Feb 18, 2013; Keep grinding,
I hope you level up!

Mg4 posted:

YOU ARE the FUNNY ONE ATTIC-KITCHEN man

I live in a "duplex" (a two story apartment building). The kitchen is on the second floor, with the salon. Its very small, because when this house was built, most people had servants, and they never used the kitchen themselves. There is even a room to the side of the kitchen where the maid/cook would have lived. The entire two stories are on the fourth floor of the building. Well, the fourth and fifth floor.

I have no idea why any of this works.

Thank you for turning this thread of happy life improvement tips into a thread about the sociological implications of South American architecture.

# ? Sep 30, 2016 04:05

MiracleWhale: Jun 30, 2015

glowing-fish posted:

Thank you for turning this thread of happy life improvement tips into a thread about the sociological implications of South American architecture.

this, but unironically

# ? Sep 30, 2016 04:17

a bone to pick: Sep 14, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

The only way I can improve myself is by improving the world. *kills self*

# ? Sep 30, 2016 04:18

Mr. Meagles: Apr 30, 2004; Out here, everything hurts

i scoot my body around on the carpet like a slug to clean myself and then crawl into a sleeping bag until i have to take a poo poo

# ? Sep 30, 2016 04:20

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 10:33

social vegan: Nov 7, 2014

glowing-fish posted:

Thank you for turning this thread of happy life improvement tips into a thread about the sociological implications of South American architecture.

sorry for calling you autistic, it turns out you can take the boi out of gbs but you can't take gbs out cha' boi *bong rips sound fx* also

MiracleWhale posted:

this, but unironically

# ? Sep 30, 2016 04:20

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