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judge: one, social vegan, is being charged with-- my lawyer: MUTINY judge: pardon me? my lawyer: Arrr cap'n, I seen it with me own eye, 'twas the eve of the 16th, the swells musta reached 20 leagues high judge: uhm, it reads here that the defendant is accused of spray-painting the word BONER on the rear wall of an East Side Mario's my lawyer: Aye, ol' cap'n Mario and I go way back, brothers governing the lawless seas of the Fettucini archipelago, ol' Mario could not of seen it coming--turns out bread and tomatoes alone couldn't fight off the scurvy arrrrr sv: I'd like to represent myself please my lawyer: *stares directly at me* at it again with yer treasonous ways, are ye? |
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Dec 6, 2016 18:42
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 21:57 |
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judge: ...and the minimum sentence is greatly reduced as the perpetrator of the crime, one social vegan, was found to be unarmed at the time of the crime my lawyer: Hold on there, your honour, then how do you explain, *grabs my arms by the shoulders* these?! judge: ah yes ha ha very funny, you see when we talk about armed status in this specific scenario we are referring to guns or other weapons my lawyer: I see, I see, well then, how do you explain *grabs my hands, shaping them into finger guns* these?! judge: oh my god jury: *gasps* my lawyer: Don't worry folks, they aren't loaded my lawyer: *quietly to himself under his own breath* ...or are they?... |
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Dec 6, 2016 18:49
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Thanks for representing me "Set me up with the details" I was minding my own business driving to work "okay in a car" ...yes, um, and this large truck cut me off in traffic "haha okay, road rage coming" well I'm getting to that. So this large truck cuts me off and I guess he clipped the front of my car and so he spun out of control "like on a banana peel, shwoopsidasies! haha" uh... anyway I pulled over and he got all upset and stepped into traffic "oh man I wish I was in on this gag" I... he died instantly, look they're telling me they think I pushed him and I'm going to prison. I don't feel like you're taking this seriously. "We need a warm up, let's all do the silliest faces we can imagine and try and hold a conversation"
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Dec 6, 2016 18:58
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social vegan posted:judge: ...and the minimum sentence is greatly reduced as the perpetrator of the crime, one social vegan, was found to be unarmed at the time of the crime judge: dear god, we're going to have to convene and look into upgrading this criminal charge, I had no clue *nods to my lawyer* thank you for informing us of this my lawyer: *meanders up to the judge* well now hold on your honour, are we supposed to believe that you're going to change the charges on my client? judge: yes of course, now that we have this new information my lawyer: well maybe things look a little different up there on your high horse, but from down here you look a little hypocritical, what with these *grabs judge's hands and turns them into finger guns* jury: *gasps* judge: *turns to bailiff, almost crying* ...save me from me |
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Dec 6, 2016 19:04
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prosecutor: is it true that the defendant is responsible for this murder? witness: no prosecutor [leaning in close to the witness and whispering]: does the "yes and" rule mean anything to you?!
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Dec 6, 2016 19:17
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[hoedown music] My client didn't do it, judge I'll think you find Those other testimonies, please pay them no mind Yes I know he's large and his face is rather scary But he's on the Price is Right, please release Drew Carey
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Dec 6, 2016 20:54
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lawyer: *turns to the jury* alright, first, I need a crime jury 1: vandalism! jury 2: DUI jury 3: triple homicide me: *sweating profusely* |
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Dec 6, 2016 20:57
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social vegan posted:lawyer: *turns to the jury* alright, first, I need a crime
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Dec 6, 2016 20:59
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*the judge produces a small scrap of paper* "Ok, 'Things you shouldn't say when your client actually did it' "
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Dec 6, 2016 21:07
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Judge: Mr. Wallace, please give a straight answer. Did your client murder this man? Me: *whispering* No no no no I did not do that plead not guilty Attorney: [ignoring] Yes, and... He's also... a serial killer!! *makes knifing motions, imitates Silence of the lamb guy* and I'm busy working at this grocery store *shuffles invisible groceries* Oh hey Pal, looking for some fresh veggies today? How's the serial killing going? Want some eggplants they're two for one?? Me: [grumbling] Yes, and, I would like to note for the record that I am not a serial killer. Jury: [groans] Judge: [shaking head] Not cool man. You have to play along for it to work. |
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Dec 6, 2016 21:58
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Judge: this has all been very fun, but I'm afraid the law is quite clear. I hereby assign 2 points on your driver's license, which brings you over 5, meaning your license is suspended Defense attorney: objection your honor, you said yourself at the beginning of this proceeding that everything is made up and, and i quote, "the points don't matter"! Judge: daaah you got me there! me and attorney high 5 |
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Dec 6, 2016 23:03
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Lawyer: As your legal counsel, I think it would be best to plead before the court that you are, in fact, gay as the day is long. Defendant: But I'm— L: Look, I know it's hard, but this is— D: I'm happily married! L: Don't let that get in the way! We need to garner sympathy from the jury. How do you do that? D: By showing the footage from the restaurant security tapes showing that I was eating fettuccini at the time of the crime! L: Nonsense. The court will be bored with your taste in pasta. What you need to do is tell the court that you're a minority so I can tell the jury that the court is persecuting your for— D: I HAVE TWO CHILDREN! L: Trust me. I'm a law guy; I know how these things go down. I've seen bigger men with a better defence than yours locked away for life. Is that what you want? Life? D: No... Please god no. L: Then you know what you must do. D: There must be another way? L: [shaking head condescendingly] Say it with me now: I'm gay. Come on, say it. D: [defeated] Alright. I'm gay. L: Louder! D: I'M GAY! [L leans in and kisses D square on the lips] L: I know 
Captain Splashback fucked around with this message at 23:38 on Dec 6, 2016 |
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Dec 6, 2016 23:36
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social vegan posted:judge: ...and the minimum sentence is greatly reduced as the perpetrator of the crime, one social vegan, was found to be unarmed at the time of the crime
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Dec 6, 2016 23:50
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...that's right, that was audio footage of President-Elect Donald Trump cross-examining television legend Oprah! Exciting stuff at the 14th day of this thrilling trial. Will Woody Allen and his prosecutorial team be able to prove the first-degree farting charges against Yoda, Bob Dylan, and John Wayne? Only time will tell. |
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Dec 7, 2016 00:32
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lawyer: Ok, I'm going to call you to the stand. Pick three phrases from this hat, and you can only say those things in response to my questions. me: Uh...(takes out three slips) "I'm guilty of all charges?" "Just lock me up now?" "I don't even know why we're having this trial?" lawyer: (snickering) Man, those are some GOOD ones! |
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Dec 7, 2016 00:53
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Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury.. My client stands accused of murdering his girlfriend with a hammer and dissolving her body in a tub of acid. But ask yourself this! Does that look like the face of a man who could get a girlfriend? |
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Dec 7, 2016 07:42
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Judge: Tell me why I shouldn't lock your client up for war crimes. Lawyer: Well you see your honor how it really happened was like this *pulls out box of assorted hats, puts on plastic military hat* my client was over here and someone was like GET DOWN and everything was like PEW PEW PEW EHEHEHEHEHEHEH Me: *already being carried away* Lawyer: no wait but then my client was like "NO I DON'T WANNA" and then PEW PEW bullets fuckin everywhere and |
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Dec 7, 2016 09:28
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judge: alright, the witness may now be cross-examined by the defence my lawyer: *continues to sit there* me: *nudges* hey, it's your turn lawyer: Oh gussy, what would a sweet ol' Georgia peach like me know about cross examinating oh mercy I've got a case of the vapours |
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Dec 7, 2016 13:00
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I'm going to vote 'not guilty' because he used my suggestion.
https://i.imgur.com/8cIhFxN.mp4 |
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Dec 7, 2016 15:42
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Judge: Would the defense like to make a closing statement? Attorney: Of course your honor, if the ladies and gentlemen of the jury could give me a location. From the back: ...GAS STATION! Attorney: Ok, a gas station. *turns to defendant who is already pretending to drive a car* |
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Dec 7, 2016 16:46
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"Ok, I'm going to examine these witnesses, including the defendant himself, but each of them is going to have a certain personality or quirk that the judge is going to have to figure out." I look at my card. "Can't say a single sentence without incriminating himself." I sneak a glance at the other witnesses' cards. "Italian mafia snitch" and "Donald Trump trying to conceal his bad gas, and who also thinks the defendant is guilty." The jury chuckles at our comically exasperated expressions. |
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Dec 7, 2016 17:22
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during the key moment in my testimony when I deny all wrongdoing, my attorney whips out a casio keyboard and starts vamping "I Shot the Sherriff"
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Dec 7, 2016 20:41
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your honor, in my defense i was just "yes and"ing
CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: |
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Dec 8, 2016 18:44
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prosecuting attorney: where were you on the night of September 14th? me, well coached by my lawyer: would you believe I was at home? pa: can you prove that? me: do you want to see the pizza delivery receipt? pa: isn't it possible that someone else was at home to receive the pizza? me: do I look like someone who would pass on a good pizza? pa: I don't...know? (judge buzzes him) drat! no further questions, your honor. |
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Dec 8, 2016 18:57
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my lawyer: So Mrs. Jonbo, you claim to have seen my defendant at the scene of the crime? Jonbo: I did, yes ml: did he look a little, something, like this? ml: *holds back hair and puckers lips* Uh thank ya, thank ya very much Jonbo: No that would be Elvis Presley ml: *turns back to witness, fist pumps and whispers* nailed it! |
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Dec 8, 2016 19:21
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your honor my defense lawyer keeps insisting we play a word association game to give him ideas for improv |
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Dec 9, 2016 18:43
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ghost emoji posted:your honor, in my defense i was just "yes and"ing Prosecutor: Were you at the 7-11 the night of the murder? Defendant: Yes. Public Defender: Yes, and...he was wearing scuba fins and the clerk didn't speak English. Go! Prosecutor: I'd like to enter into evidence Exhibit 1, which is a photo of scuba fin tracks in the mud next to the 7-11.
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Dec 10, 2016 07:40
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lawyer: Can I get a profession from the audience? me: my court appointed defence attorney lawyer: I think I heard, mexican pirate. Ahem "ai ai ai where is my treasure mi amigo"
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Jan 16, 2017 19:47
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no they will not posted:lawyer: Can I get a profession from the audience? |
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Jan 16, 2017 20:18
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 21:57 |
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My Lawyer: Ok, does everyone have their profession cards? *Courtroom starts rapidly flooding with water as fish and other aquatic flora and fauna plop into the room* ML: Haha cool who got deep sea diver? *Jurors run screaming to the doors to find them all locked* ML: Ohhh crumbs someone got prisoner hahaha *As we all gasp for the last precious breaths of air near the ceiling waiting for death, one of the ushers eyes suspiciously shift back and forth behind the glass porthole of his iron helmet* |
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Jan 16, 2017 23:02
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