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*draws graffiti of big pooping spell in the tavern outhouse*
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Dec 29, 2016 10:29
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Care Bear Stairs posted:A fedora brim Greasy box Of Dominoes Cummie socks On my toes Clean this mess with most haste I've got a pillow to gently caress and date
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Dec 29, 2016 13:59
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Good news, ghouls and ghosts! I need a handful of skeletons to protect an old artifact that I really don't need anymore. Please provide a resume to Evil dot Wizard at DarkSigil dot Gov
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Dec 29, 2016 14:01
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i just read the magickal auras of everyone in this thread and only a handful of you basement dwellers are actually evil wizards what up my dudes, you know who you are
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Dec 29, 2016 15:08
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pop fly to McGillicutty posted:Good news, ghouls and ghosts! I need a handful of skeletons to protect an old artifact that I really don't need anymore. Please provide a resume to Any time I need to get rid of some old stuff I just put it all in an old crypt and summon a few skeletons to "guard" it. Put up a "keep out" sign in a spooky font and a bunch of adventurers show up to "loot" all those rusty pants and rags and cracked helms-of-the-wolf and they usually smash all the skeletons too so I don't have to pay them!
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Dec 29, 2016 15:09
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Some of you may ask, why so many infractions are repaid by throat-flaying. That's okay, it's good to know where the limits of The Laws are, so long as you follow The Laws. They must be obeyed. The Laws are there for your own good, and without The Laws the truly chaotic (the Things Below would do whatever they wanted to your throats and butts, and I'm sure we can all agree that potential throat-flaying is better than the things they have planned. Those that cruise through your neighborhood late at night with the bass turned way up on their poorly modified "tuner" cars have rewarded the rest of you with more Laws. Feel free to thank them in private. Also, be sure to thank a skeleton for their service.
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Dec 29, 2016 15:29
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I keep suggesting upgrading from skeletons to spirits bound into suits of armor, but my partner doesn't like the aesthetic. What's a good way to convince her of the benefits? I mean, we would have both, she just is against the look.
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Dec 29, 2016 15:47
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Speleothing posted:I keep suggesting upgrading from skeletons to spirits bound into suits of armor, but my partner doesn't like the aesthetic. What's a good way to convince her of the benefits? Impotent fool! What sort of two-bit hedge wizard can't even control his own wench? I recommend you cower in your hovel and make peace with whatever dark masters you serve, for surely it is only a matter of time before a worm like you gets crushed under the heel of a true overlord.
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Dec 29, 2016 16:35
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Straight White Shark posted:Impotent fool! What sort of two-bit hedge wizard can't even control his own wench? I recommend you cower in your hovel and make peace with whatever dark masters you serve, for surely it is only a matter of time before a worm like you gets crushed under the heel of a true overlord. sorry, what do you think this is? the barbarian thread? wizards are supposed to be egalitarian. yeah i may be evil, but i'm an evil feminist.
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Dec 29, 2016 16:59
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installation wizard up on your disc
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Dec 29, 2016 17:04
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sorry op but i won't become a wizard until 6 more months
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Dec 29, 2016 17:07
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I'm sorry, is your wizard lady friend against armored skeletons or the concept of magically animate me armor itself? Because skeletons in some nice armor (maybe with a visored helmet) would be a nice compromise and show you are willing to listen and work with her. If she only likes loincloth skeletons then I'm afraid that's problematic. Skeleton cheesecake being required makes for a hostile work environment and that is against The Laws.
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Dec 29, 2016 17:16
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*runs into thread out of breath* ava- *wheezes* avada kedav- *wheeze cough* avada kedavra *pisses pants. its green*
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Dec 29, 2016 17:26
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yknow some wizards prefer their orphans a little aged, ones that grew up without parents. Just snatch em straight outta the orphanage, no mess. But imho you gotta go with freshly killed parents for if you want the highest quality orphan souls. You can tell the difference. They're more crisp and the flavour is richer. I'm just old fashioned I guess.
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Dec 29, 2016 17:55
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Does anyone have experience in binding ghouls? I need a ghoul specialist badly. Guild membership preferred
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Dec 29, 2016 18:02
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Mycroft Holmes posted:you murdered my parents with a fire spell because they asked if they could have some firewood Look for the last time he thought they were calling him a human being instead of asking for some faggots that whole incident was a misunderstanding
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Dec 29, 2016 18:07
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Hello, it's me, the neutral wizard with no sense or right or wrong again. Anyone know the best way to use a town of people driven mad by seeing behind the veil? It seems like such a waste to just burn them to ashes and my mortal servant roster is pretty empty, but these buffoons keep trying to eat their own fingers.
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Dec 29, 2016 18:20
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Krunge posted:Hello, it's me, the neutral wizard with no sense or right or wrong again. Strip off their useless meat and make some skeletons. You can never EVER have enough skeletons plus the mass of rotting human flesh can be bound together with a simple blood golem spell. Pappy always said never waste a mass of rotting human flesh and by god he was right.
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Dec 29, 2016 18:26
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drat horror queefs posted:Strip off their useless meat and make some skeletons. You can never EVER have enough skeletons plus the mass of rotting human flesh can be bound together with a simple blood golem spell. Blood! That's it! I know exactly what to do!  Giddy-up
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Dec 29, 2016 18:42
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hey hi im an evil wizard but that doesnt mean i'm all bad. i care about fitness and treat my body like an evil temple. i eat raw grains and veggies and i walk around with those weird shoes that have a half platform so that your calves get huge and veiny. i also love to cuddle but watch out i might poke you with my hard staff. 
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Dec 29, 2016 19:10
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drat horror queefs posted:Strip off their useless meat and make some skeletons. You can never EVER have enough skeletons plus the mass of rotting human flesh can be bound together with a simple blood golem spell. As a lawful/neutral wizard I- **checks rule book** yeah that's fine go ahead **impassively listens to screams**
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Dec 29, 2016 19:17
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:Also, be sure to thank a skeleton for their service. I know I've said this before, but it's worth repeating - so remember: Skeletons don't kill people, irresponsible necromancers do. 
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Dec 29, 2016 19:22
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Skeletons make SUCH great low level minions; First off you make them out of your enemies. Second they work for MEAT. SO: remove meat from enemies, hand them their own meat. "MEAT!!" Say the skeletons. (Don't ask me how they say anything it doesn't have to make sense). Third, when they "eat" their meat it just mushes around their teeth a lil' and falls to the ground; base your lair in a cold climate or ice fortress and have a housekeeping spell to sweep up all the meat bits and reuse forever! Plus what is more terrifying to enemies than an ice fortress full of skeletons where every loot drop is HUMAN MEAT I mean
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Dec 29, 2016 19:31
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:I'm sorry, is your wizard lady friend against armored skeletons or the concept of magically animate me armor itself? Because skeletons in some nice armor (maybe with a visored helmet) would be a nice compromise and show you are willing to listen and work with her. We've got some armored skeletons and some loincloth skeletons. She didn't like the green spirit fire that bound the armor together, and all I could say is "honey, that's just what they look like" and she made me put the test model into the lowest crypt to guard the holiday decorations. I guess I'll just save some more and upgrade all the skeles into nicer gear.
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Dec 29, 2016 20:07
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Creed Reunion Tour posted:*runs into thread out of breath* Whoa!  *unsheaths piss prism from black satin pouch* 
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Dec 29, 2016 20:10
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I normally don't post on E/N but I'm really in a crisis right now, I just feel directionless and I don't know what to do with my life. Analysis paralysis I guess you'd call it? On one hand you got your lichdom, you could go for vampirism, but on the other hand there's also the whole selling your soul thing. Even if I sell my soul there's just so many choices, you know? I mean, devil lords, demon princes, eldritch horrors from beyond the rim of the universe, they're all going to offer different dark boons. On one hand if I go the devil or demon route there's the whole eternity of torment thing but the eldritch horror causes a lifetime of insanity more often then not. I can dabble in a little necromancy here and a little thaumaturgy there but I'm really starting to get the idea that I have to buckle down and pick one route to ultimate power and stick with it. I went to a therapist and he suggested a book on mindfulness, well, I gave that a try but it just sounded like a bunch of pseudoreligious gobbledegook to me, when I told him that he said that I should Frankenstein up an Ubermench and then swap my soul into it. I don't want to be resistant to therapy but I just, I don't know, I'm not completely happy with the body I've got but I've been dragging around this carcass for thirty eight years, I kinda want to stick with it for at least the next millenium. Whatever I do, I need to make a decision soon, I'm not getting any younger or more evil. Help me out E/N, please. (Or I'll murder your families and put a blight on your crops.) Now if you're some kind of hero or paladin or something don't even bother responding, maybe that "repent my sins and pray to Deus to forgive my crimes against the natural order" crap works for some people but that's not me.
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Dec 29, 2016 20:25
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have you considered digging (a hole straight to the heart of the planet so you can feast on its essence to periodically rejuvenate your body)?
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Dec 29, 2016 20:31
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scuba school sucks posted:I normally don't post on E/N but I'm really in a crisis right now, I just feel directionless and I don't know what to do with my life. Analysis paralysis I guess you'd call it? On one hand you got your lichdom, you could go for vampirism, but on the other hand there's also the whole selling your soul thing. Even if I sell my soul there's just so many choices, you know? I mean, devil lords, demon princes, eldritch horrors from beyond the rim of the universe, they're all going to offer different dark boons. On one hand if I go the devil or demon route there's the whole eternity of torment thing but the eldritch horror causes a lifetime of insanity more often then not. I can dabble in a little necromancy here and a little thaumaturgy there but I'm really starting to get the idea that I have to buckle down and pick one route to ultimate power and stick with it. I went to a therapist and he suggested a book on mindfulness, well, I gave that a try but it just sounded like a bunch of pseudoreligious gobbledegook to me, when I told him that he said that I should Frankenstein up an Ubermench and then swap my soul into it. I don't want to be resistant to therapy but I just, I don't know, I'm not completely happy with the body I've got but I've been dragging around this carcass for thirty eight years, I kinda want to stick with it for at least the next millenium. Whatever I do, I need to make a decision soon, I'm not getting any younger or more evil. Help me out E/N, please. (Or I'll murder your families and put a blight on your crops.) Now if you're some kind of hero or paladin or something don't even bother responding, maybe that "repent my sins and pray to Deus to forgive my crimes against the natural order" crap works for some people but that's not me. I recommend bathing in the blood of virgins. Every bloodbath only takes about a month of preparation and 10 virgins of blood, and each will set your body's aging back a couple of years. Also it's quite relaxing, I recommend throwing in a lavender bath bomb too.
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Dec 29, 2016 21:12
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Hmm. Whatever spell turns a fool into salt. I'll use that one. Also rock to mud, and mud to rock again. Instant Jimmy Hoffa.
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Dec 29, 2016 21:24
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Honestly if you're looking for a steady supply of blood without all the hassle of constant murders, I'd recommend offering your magical services to aid and protect the girls working at the local brothel or bordello. There's ALWAYS blood at the brothel stand.
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Dec 29, 2016 21:40
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Speleothing posted:We've got some armored skeletons and some loincloth skeletons. She didn't like the green spirit fire that bound the armor together, and all I could say is "honey, that's just what they look like" and she made me put the test model into the lowest crypt to guard the holiday decorations. You may want to see about getting an evil illusionist to do something about the spirit fire.
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Dec 29, 2016 22:11
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I know every lotto pick until, the war happens. You have 76 years though of wealth daily, i won't say what the lotto numbers are. Also, it won't be nuclear war. Some will suggest it though.
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Dec 29, 2016 22:14
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i, myself am an evil wizared, also. I have done the following evil: - eat a bat - turn into a bat - attack someone as a bat - blind as a bat - dwell in darkness, like a bat - scared of getting tangled in a womans hairdo - drink tiny licks of blodd off of livestock - brain the size of a bat - have bats living in my long white beard - lonely for the company of a female bat - baseball bat - often described as a "rat with wings" - sonic navigation and hunting moths - rabies carrier - staff has brass bat-shaped topper
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Dec 29, 2016 23:09
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GRILLARY CLINTON posted:if ur an evil wizard post in this thread about the spells you cast and other things like that. Evil wizards always have terrible plans and good wizards sit around not doing poo poo I'd just take my wizard skills, find a country willing to pay me millions to conjure up new housing developments and become the richest person alive without breaking a single law poo poo, you know how much brain surgeons are paid? Can you imagine if your services were "resurrect the dead"?
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Dec 29, 2016 23:31
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Ch'ing Ti make me flesh again soon. PLEASE!
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Dec 30, 2016 00:08
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Hi, recently I pledged my service to the eldar gods, specifically cthylla daughter of cthulhu (its 2016, ok) but the problem is the pulsing vein-like slug growing under my eyesocket is not only making it hard for me to pick up chicks but also I'm starting to hear screams and see stuff that I'm pretty sure my mind wasn't supposed to comprehend, its starting to cut into my social life and plus I've started hucking up fistfulls of maggots with human faces who demand I find them hosts in a demented chorus of voices. How do I keep it 'real' I guess is what I'm asking? haha
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Dec 30, 2016 00:22
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Motherfucker posted:HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK Uh, sir, this is a topic for evil wizards, not evil clowns.
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Dec 30, 2016 00:44
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Motherfucker posted:Hi, recently I pledged my service to the eldar gods, specifically cthylla daughter of cthulhu (its 2016, ok) but the problem is the pulsing vein-like slug growing under my eyesocket is not only making it hard for me to pick up chicks but also I'm starting to hear screams and see stuff that I'm pretty sure my mind wasn't supposed to comprehend, its starting to cut into my social life and plus I've started hucking up fistfulls of maggots with human faces who demand I find them hosts in a demented chorus of voices. How do I keep it 'real' I guess is what I'm asking? haha don't kinkshame
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Dec 30, 2016 00:55
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"I am bringing magic back to the world! Here, rear end in a top hat, have a copy of the Necronomicon."
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Dec 30, 2016 00:59
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 21:58 |
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Motherfucker posted:Hi, recently I pledged my service to the eldar gods, specifically cthylla daughter of cthulhu (its 2016, ok) but the problem is the pulsing vein-like slug growing under my eyesocket is not only making it hard for me to pick up chicks but also I'm starting to hear screams and see stuff that I'm pretty sure my mind wasn't supposed to comprehend, its starting to cut into my social life and plus I've started hucking up fistfulls of maggots with human faces who demand I find them hosts in a demented chorus of voices. How do I keep it 'real' I guess is what I'm asking? haha Go to a few cult meetings, maybe you'll meet a nice girl that won't eat you
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Dec 30, 2016 01:01
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